Beauty is Not in the Eye

[carhill]

https://www.yahoo.com/beauty/beauty-is-not-in-the-eye-98325752088.html

 

The author raises an interesting point about perception:

 

"But how would attraction and even love change in the wake of disfigurement and potential disability? What if losing what I loved on the outside meant things would change on the inside? Does a relationship mutate when beauty diminishes? Is something else strengthened?

 

What a shallow line of thinking, I chided myself. We had been married 18 years, were raising four incredible children. Both of us had worked to build a strong foundation, connected at so many critical points. Throughout history, couples have endured cancer, disfiguring burns, chronic pain, disease and accidents and have come out the other side, often stronger than before. Sure, life doesn’t promise anyone a rose garden, but no one ever expects to be handed a leaking bag of feces either. I had loved everything about our life exactly the way it was; I hadn’t wanted any of it to change."

 

 

Here's my take-away - When attraction is strong, especially in the beginning, to the whole package, and this includes looks, since that's the most visible part of a person, it is more likely for the looks part to weather setbacks, like those detailed in the article. The emotional memories of the person flow with the image of who they were and that forms the basis of the visual bond.

 

I did find this passage to ring quite true, and was the gist of some of the statements of our MC:

 

"We find out more about ourselves in the periods we are tested than we do during the moments we succeed. It’s easy to navigate life in the places where the road runs straight and even. Sometimes the trick is to find beauty in the hairpin turn or the mountain switchback, to summon the courage to sift through the ashes of our darkest moments. There is a wonderful simplicity when I lie next to my husband now, and examine his face: the beauty exists in the very fact that he is still here, with me. "

 

From my own life experience in such matters, I'll remain clear of the milieu unless and until I strongly and consistently sense that strong initial attraction to the visual from any potential partner. Otherwise, I'd prefer not to invest in any interactions which are based on 'meh' at the beginning.

 

I'm happy for Lee and Bob that he survived and their marriage continues to thrive. Good on them.

[Tayken]

^ Cliche's aplenty......

 

- A picture tells a thousand words

 

- Beauty is only skin deep

 

- We are who we are

 

Why do you think married couple stray at times? It's not uncommon for both sexes to come out with the "they aren't the same person I married" which can mean a whole myriad of things...

 

- they stopped dressing sexy

- let themselves go

- don't want to DO IT as often

- the little squeezes and pats on the bum stopped

- etc

[Gloria25]

I think that when you are dating, you would be less tolerant of "imperfections" cuz, you have the option to pick and choose cuz there's no commitment.

 

Now, after you're in a RL - especially a marriage - I think you get past the superficial and start developing real love...and, you can overlook certain things cuz you love that person....Also, the whole "for better or worse" vow was made.

 

Think about it, marriage is a team. If I quit the team when the going gets tough, then why did I marry you in the first place?

 

Now, what I don't like is if something would happen to my mate, they'd just be like "this is me, and tolerate it all you want cuz if you don't then you don't love me"

 

For example, let's say I got cancer. They cut off my breasts and there's scarring. When I would initiate intimacy with my guy, I'd get either surgery and put some implants in, or like fake breasts and sexy bras and stuff. I wouldn't be like "look at it!!!!!!" "this is me now!!!!" "get used to it!!!"

[xxoo]

I've come to realize that I don't see my partner, or others who are very close to me, as they are. I see their essence, how they appear in my mind. Their best. This is as true for my H as it is for my grandmother, who will always be that gorgeous 60 year old in heels, a 24" waist, and a perfect red hairdo, even if she is now in her 90s and frail (although she still has the red hair, lmao!).

 

Now, what I don't like is if something would happen to my mate, they'd just be like "this is me, and tolerate it all you want cuz if you don't then you don't love me"

 

For example, let's say I got cancer. They cut off my breasts and there's scarring. When I would initiate intimacy with my guy, I'd get either surgery and put some implants in, or like fake breasts and sexy bras and stuff. I wouldn't be like "look at it!!!!!!" "this is me now!!!!" "get used to it!!!"

 

I feel just the opposite. I need to be able to be naked, bare, and accepted by my partner, even if he hates the scars.

 

I kiss his scars. He could kiss mine. (he already kisses my stretch marks )

[Tayken]

I've come to realize that I don't see my partner, or others who are very close to me, as they are. I see their essence, how they appear in my mind. Their best. This is as true for my H as it is for my grandmother, who will always be that gorgeous 60 year old in heels, a 24" waist, and a perfect red hairdo, even if she is now in her 90s and frail (although she still has the red hair, lmao!).

 

 

 

I feel just the opposite. I need to be able to be naked, bare, and accepted by my partner, even if he hates the scars.

 

I kiss his scars. He could kiss mine. (he already kisses my stretch marks )

 

 

This would mean you having the lights right off the bat when you are dating then? I can honestly say based on my experience, I am NOT always pleased when a person turns the lights off so quick....I mean if you are NOT comfortable with yourself, how can you expect someone else to?

 

It's usually stretch marks, operations etc that people try and hide from others, and with my bat eyes...I see everything, and I mean everything.

[jay1983]

This would mean you having the lights right off the bat when you are dating then? I can honestly say based on my experience, I am NOT always pleased when a person turns the lights off so quick....I mean if you are NOT comfortable with yourself, how can you expect someone else to?

 

It's usually stretch marks, operations etc that people try and hide from others, and with my bat eyes...I see everything, and I mean everything.

 

Half the women I've been with turned the light off over just a few extra pounds.

[xxoo]

I wouldn't have sex with someone if I wasn't comfortable being seen naked by them. I need that intimacy, be it scars or my bare face or whatever. Lights are great.

[Tayken]

I wouldn't have sex with someone if I wasn't comfortable being seen naked by them. I need that intimacy, be it scars or my bare face or whatever. Lights are great.

 

 

And hanging from the chandelier is even better...just sayin'