Told MM I'm Contacting his W

[still_an_Angel]

Be it his job and on his conscience do this major damage to his W. Your threat of telling her is because you're hurt and want this hurt to be felt by his W and shared all around. There is no need to subject the W to this, you knew about his status when you entered the A, and she wasn't party to her husband's liaison. Just imagine the devastation you'll give his W if you tell her yourself.

 

Just walk away if you're ready and don't look back.

[Quiet Storm]

Don't answer the calls. Just like he knew he could convince you to get back in the affair, he knows he can convince you to not tell his wife. He knows you love him, and he will use that love against you. Like most MM, he knows women respond to declarations of feelings and emotions, he knows women have a soft spot in their hearts for kids, and he knows you will believe all these obstacles, because well, they are believable. Jobs and kids are both valid complications, and MM use that logic because it works. They can extend the affair when they have no intention of leaving the marriage. They aren't thinking long term, they aren't working towards a future with OW. They are just working to give the affair the longest life possible, to keep OW available to him, for as long as they can.

 

MM put effort in when it's needed to keep what they want. OW getting fed up? He thinks, I'll be sweet and call her a lot. BW getting suspicious? He thinks, I'll be sweet and attentive.

 

Ughh. These guys are not that special. They are flawed men, sneaky, conflict avoiders who have no consideration for the women they claim to love. He may love you, but why do you value love from a guy like this?

 

Every time you go back, every time you give in, every time you accept his excuses, every time you tolerate his crap, it just gives him more of what he wants (marriage+affair).

 

When you pick up the phone and he convinces you again that he needs more time and please don't tell his wife, it just sends the message that words, attention and persistence are all it takes to wear you down. Honor yourself and step away. He is a jerk. You will be OK.

[A.Moscote]

It's understood if you really want to pursue him, after all as you said, you really love him. However, please try to do it right, don't continue it as an affair any longer, hold off the intimacies and affections that come with it. Be respectful and empathy towards others, put yourself in his wife's shoes and imagine the hurts and humiliation. Push your MM to settle it with his wife first.

 

Read through the forums, and find some members here who have made it through, they turned affairs into right relationships. See how their MMs acted and decided, minimizing/obliterating the deception. Do your MM can potentially be like that? Or is he just like the MM in most other threads? Deceiving, manipulating, selfish, coward, etc...

 

Be conscience Lynn, surely your love is not that shallow that it can't makes rooms for patient, perseverance, and truthfulness. You can do it, many have before you. Good luck.

 

( I really wanted to support you in telling his wife earlier, but I was unsure because it seems like your reason is only to benefit yourself. My perception could be wrong).

[MuddyRock]

Betrayed spouses aren't usually the ones saying don't tell. Its usually OW or FOW.

People that are FWS and BS are usually saying tell.

From someone that has been all three I say telling is the right thing. Its a pretty huge chance she wont kick him out BTW.

[LynnFrost]

Don't answer the calls. Just like he knew he could convince you to get back in the affair, he knows he can convince you to not tell his wife. He knows you love him, and he will use that love against you. Like most MM, he knows women respond to declarations of feelings and emotions, he knows women have a soft spot in their hearts for kids, and he knows you will believe all these obstacles, because well, they are believable. Jobs and kids are both valid complications, and MM use that logic because it works. They can extend the affair when they have no intention of leaving the marriage. They aren't thinking long term, they aren't working towards a future with OW. They are just working to give the affair the longest life possible, to keep OW available to him, for as long as they can.

 

MM put effort in when it's needed to keep what they want. OW getting fed up? He thinks, I'll be sweet and call her a lot. BW getting suspicious? He thinks, I'll be sweet and attentive.

 

Ughh. These guys are not that special. They are flawed men, sneaky, conflict avoiders who have no consideration for the women they claim to love. He may love you, but why do you value love from a guy like this?

 

Every time you go back, every time you give in, every time you accept his excuses, every time you tolerate his crap, it just gives him more of what he wants (marriage+affair).

 

When you pick up the phone and he convinces you again that he needs more time and please don't tell his wife, it just sends the message that words, attention and persistence are all it takes to wear you down. Honor yourself and step away. He is a jerk. You will be OK.

 

 

 

Thank you Quiet Storm, you do seem to see my situation quite clearly. I have shut my phone off, I'm turning my computer off shortly and I'm going to try and put this all out of my head for the night. Frankly, I hope he is sleeping with one eye open wondering if that phone is about to ring. I know it sounds malicious, but I am hurt. I realize what I wrote makes me sound like the little Dumb Dumb, and maybe it is easier for people to see me in that way, but this man really sold me on the notion that his marriage was done, he loved me in the same way I did for him. Yes...I'm feeling spite. It will pass, along with every other random emotion I'm experiencing at this difficult time.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you Quiet Storm, you do seem to see my situation quite clearly. I have shut my phone off, I'm turning my computer off shortly and I'm going to try and put this all out of my head for the night. Frankly, I hope he is sleeping with one eye open wondering if that phone is about to ring. I know it sounds malicious, but I am hurt. I realize what I wrote makes me sound like the little Dumb Dumb, and maybe it is easier for people to see me in that way, but this man really sold me on the notion that his marriage was done, he loved me in the same way I did for him. Yes...I'm feeling spite. It will pass, along with every other random emotion I'm experiencing at this difficult time.

 

Good, let him toss and turn, worry that you're gonna tell his wife. Maybe he'll have the courage now to come clean to his wife about you and the affair he's having. Though, with that said, be prepared that he's more than likely going to throw you under the bus and make it seem like you're the one pursuing and chasing him, that you're crazy etc..

 

I say be done with him and do tell his wife anyway as she deserves to know the truth so she can decide for herself if she wants to stay and give him a chance to fix things and see if her marriage is worth saving.

 

If you do decide to tell her, be honest and tell what you believe is the truth. Own your part in the affair, don't blame it all on him as you knew he was married from the get-go and do apologize for your part in it all. Tell because you want the truth out there, don't tell with the intention of hoping he'll come running to you afterwards. Be prepared that he *may* hate you after the truth comes out. He may beg to be given a second chance and she may give that opportunity to him if he is remorseful and wanting to fix himself and the marriage.

[whichwayisup]

I think most BS's want to know but would prefer to hear the truth from the WS. Also, some OW tell for malicious reasons, intention to hurt MM and make sure his marriage is ruined but they either do it anonymously so they don't have to own their part or apologize or to answer questions, or they tell then disappear and ignore BS, wash their hands of it all.

Edited September 27, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I'd say the the OW telling immediately makes it easy for the MM to say she's crazy and trying to break up the marriage. If you want her to know, have her find out another way. From a BS point of view, why would an OW participate in an A and the secrecy involved THEN decide to tell the BS? I know why and you no why, but the BS who's world is suddenly blown up isn't going to think, this woman is tired of empty promises, crazy with the words and actions aren't adding up, angry that she has invested and taken a backseat for so long that she is lashing out at MM and the "enemy" that is standing in her way of happiness. She's going to think, if this woman was really my H's lover and best friend why would she betray him, why is she telling me now. That doesn't add up.

 

I know most BS's disagree with me, but I think that the worse thing that can happen is that the BS find out from the OW. JMHO.

 

I think the worse thing you can do to MM right now is make him BELIEVE that you are going to tell her. Let him simmer and squirm. If you want her to know, then let her "accidentally" find out. That way is she talks to you, she might believe what you have to say.

[ComingInHot]

I'm not angry or bitter at or with you OP my response was to offer a different perspective which I many times find helpful when I'm dealing with something with a one track mind. I really wanted you to consider what kind of a man uses your or his own Wife's cash to book trips in order to cheat.

I personally think you and His Wife deserve waaay better than that. I might (small might) be able to see if he were using your money or His Wife's money to buy new clothing to go 9n interviews to land a job in order to divorce then see where the 2 of you end up...

[LynnFrost]

I'm not angry or bitter at or with you OP my response was to offer a different perspective which I many times find helpful when I'm dealing with something with a one track mind. I really wanted you to consider what kind of a man uses your or his own Wife's cash to book trips in order to cheat.

I personally think you and His Wife deserve waaay better than that. I might (small might) be able to see if he were using your money or His Wife's money to buy new clothing to go 9n interviews to land a job in order to divorce then see where the 2 of you end up...

 

 

 

I agree with much you've said. However, does it occur to you that calling the money they have "her" money because she is the one with the job and he is the stay at home parent a bit sexist? It isn't just "marital assets" when it comes from the working man. But yes, I agree. It is a more than a little off putting that he uses marital money to do stuff, which is why he wants a job and to separate. I wouldn't mind footing the bill that much, its the secrecy that bothers me.

[ComingInHot]

I was meaning marital assets, sorry*

It sound like you are ready and willing to take on man and family and your what your role will be in his life. Can you open some doors to get him an interview or two?

I wonder (not one way or the other but overall) once he had the job, would you get the man.

You'll read on here WHERE the OW has gotten the man and you'll read where she has not. Are you ready one way or the other? Whether His Wife learns of your A or not? You need to be strong either way*

[2sunny]

And you ARE an attractive choice to him because you are willing to foot the bill.

 

So does that mean you expected to PAY his way to see you?

 

What did he plan to tell his wife was the reason he would be away?

Seems odd that a stay at home Dad would leave his post to go visit his OW.

 

Be must have dreamed up an awfully good excuse for his wife to accept him leaving his duties at the house.

 

What lie did he tell that made her believe him? A job interview perhaps?

[eye of the storm]

I am an OW, I was a BS. So I see both sides of the story. I will say this...I fully support telling the BS if you got into a relationship with a MM not knowing he was married. Go for it. You are an innocent party too.

 

BUT, if you knowingly sleep with a MM or find out and continue to sleep with a MM, I don't think contacting the BS is a good idea. You are no longer telling her because you feel bad for her or you think she has a right to know. You are now telling her because you are trying to either force the MM to choose, punish him for not choosing, punishing the BS for having him or one of a few thousand other reasons. But none of them are for their benefit. They are all for yours. To punish or to gain, but it is for you.

[William]

Did some cleanup of off-topic postings speculating about or discussing backgrounds of members, which is irrelevant to the topic under discussion.

 

As a reminder, here's the topic:

 

"I"ve threatened to end things before. We've gone without talking for a few days to a week at a time and then one of us caves. I've gotten irrational and threatened to contact his wife. The thought of the heavy grief I will experience is suffocating...and the thought of him moving on with his wife makes me furious. Still, I know this isn't the right thing to do.

Long term OW's...how do you cope? How did you end it and heal? Does it ever work out? How do you manage the anger?"

[eye of the storm]

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Edited September 27, 2014 by eye of the storm