Ex is so hot and cold, rougher tonight/in more pain than usual (Updated)

[singsparkles]

So I started dating a guy a few months ago. Everything seemed perfect, he seemed like the perfect gentlemen.. treated me so sweet, kissed me at every red light, told me I was beautiful every second of every day. I really thought he was the one and I would have never left him.

 

Then all the sudden after hanging out one night, he accused me of cheating on him (which I never did), and then stopped talking to me and ignored me completely. I went psycho sending him a million texts and calls because I wanted to talk it over and I wanted communication. He just ignored my every attempt to contact him, and blocked me on all social media. So I was left in the dark with absolutely no clue what happened or why we even broke up. It hurt so bad.

 

I messaged him for three weeks straight while he ignored me. Then one day I decided to initiate NC. I did this for two weeks straight, then he contacted me telling me he missed me and wanted to see me. He lives a state away so I drove 2 1/2 hours to see him only for him to not answer his phone or door. He then sent me a text the next day saying, "my bad , I fell asleep" as if me driving that far to see him was nothing. He then decided to tell me he wanted to hangout that night. So I forgave him and said we could. Then he contacted me last minute and said, "sorry I have plans with my friends, I forgot it was his bday and I'm going to a strip club"

 

I flipped **** and began to become psycho again. That night I called him like a million times while he was out and he kept telling me to stop. I kept asking him why he was hurting me and why he wanted to see me in pain and why he was doing this to me. He hung up on me.

 

So then I initiated NC again. Then a week later he calls me and says, "you're the only girl I've ever loved this much and it scares me, thats why I push you away... I want to see you this weekend" so then that weekend we hung out. Everything was perfect. We were acting like a couple. We slept together that night, and one thing led to another, if you know what I mean. The next day I dropped him back off home and he gave me a kiss goodbye and said, "I'll call you later tonight" ...he never called me, and it's now been a week. I contacted him two days after he didn't message me going nuts.

 

I kept asking him once again why he wanted to see me in pain and why he keeps breaking my heart. I told him I cry myself to sleep every night over him and I love him so much and how I miss the old him and how he used to be. I poured my heart out to him in messages. He ignored the messages, then proceeded to tweet on Twitter and also change his profile picture.

 

I'm having such a hard time with this because I don't understand my exes actions, and I keep analyzing them. Does anybody know why he keeps calling me to say he cares, then going weeks acting as if I don't exist? Please, somebody, shed light on this... Tonight is so hard. I am so tempted to contact him, but it's been a full week since I havent contacted him and I know I shouldn't break it.

 

But it hurts so much. I feel beaten down like I have nothing left to give. The thought of love or sex with soemone else makes me feel literally nauseous. And the thought of him being with someone else makes me sick.

 

I'm so lonely, so it doesn't make it any better. I don't have many friends so I'm stuck at home, and I have to refrain myself from looking at his social media because it only hurts me more. This Friday night seems like it's going to be long... my head is spinning and I don't know what to do with myself. Can someone please give me advice?

 

 

 

Thanks so much for all your time!

Hugs,

xxxx

[me85]

Your situation is especially tough because you don't have many outlets. Few friends. Few hobbies (I'm guessing.) It's obvious you love and miss your ex but you're really going to have to be stern with yourself. Discipline yourself. Understand that you have zero control over him and what he does and no matter how long you beat your head up against the wall, you're never going to figure out why anything regarding your ex.

 

 

He is simply keeping you on the hook. Maybe he does love you and miss you but all you really need to know is that he doesn't love you or miss you enough to actually be with you.

 

 

I've lived with a broken heart for a really long time. There's no easy way through it. You really just have to love yourself through it. Put yourself on a pedestal, pamper yourself, treat yourself...ya got be selfish. You have to remove him from the center of your universe and put yourself there instead because that's where you belong. Not him.

 

 

I have many posts about coping with a BU. Sure not everyone's situation is the same but the hurt is the same.

 

 

Asking why is doing this or that is a complete waste of your precious time. You'll do it until you drive yourself bonkers no matter what anyone tells you but you already know deep down in your heart why. I already said it and you know you've already thought it.

 

 

Paying you these compliments so to speak by telling you all these sweet things like once a month is the same as him paying for car insurance. Do you get what I'm saying??? If he ever gets into a wreck he's good he paid his insurance that month. If things don't work out with other girls, he's good...he kept you on the hook so you'd be awaiting his return with open arms.

[littleblacksubmarine]

I think you already know what you need to do, but maybe you just need a push. It's full NC, blocking and deleting all ways he can contact you. For me social media is the real killer as it encourages people to fill in the blanks and make up their own stories about what their ex is up to. So I would at the very least unfriend him, but blocking is a much better idea. I gives you control of the contact and this alone gives a psychological boost to maintaining NC.

 

It's really tempting to ask why he's doing all this and what's going through his head, but even if people have seen this behaviour before or can give some insight you will still never really know. It's a way of trying to mind read, and it will only result in you thinking about it and creating terrible explanations which your mind will turn into realities.

 

As far as the loneliness goes, it's best to just distract yourself with something. Go for a run or some other exercise to get the endorphins up first and then find something you enjoy to occupy your mind. If you want to feel connected to people, message friends on facebook, call somebody, post all over this forum or find some other way. There are many ways to avoid feeling lonely

 

But most important maintain NC completely. I find reading the guide is a pretty good way of reminding you why you need to do it

[stillafool]

Why don't you have many friends? Are you in school? This is Friday night and you should be planning to hang out with friends to do fun things. Not sitting around discussing your ex who treats you like just another option. You will never be able to move on if all you do is talk about him. You need to get out there with other people your age so you can meet someone new.

[singsparkles]

Why don't you have many friends? Are you in school? This is Friday night and you should be planning to hang out with friends to do fun things. Not sitting around discussing your ex who treats you like just another option. You will never be able to move on if all you do is talk about him. You need to get out there with other people your age so you can meet someone new.

 

 

 

Wow, that was INCREDIBLY insensitive. Thanks for your support and making me feel even more like a nobody. I am 25 years old. xoxo

[singsparkles]

Your situation is especially tough because you don't have many outlets. Few friends. Few hobbies (I'm guessing.) It's obvious you love and miss your ex but you're really going to have to be stern with yourself. Discipline yourself. Understand that you have zero control over him and what he does and no matter how long you beat your head up against the wall, you're never going to figure out why anything regarding your ex.

 

 

He is simply keeping you on the hook. Maybe he does love you and miss you but all you really need to know is that he doesn't love you or miss you enough to actually be with you.

 

 

I've lived with a broken heart for a really long time. There's no easy way through it. You really just have to love yourself through it. Put yourself on a pedestal, pamper yourself, treat yourself...ya got be selfish. You have to remove him from the center of your universe and put yourself there instead because that's where you belong. Not him.

 

 

I have many posts about coping with a BU. Sure not everyone's situation is the same but the hurt is the same.

 

 

Asking why is doing this or that is a complete waste of your precious time. You'll do it until you drive yourself bonkers no matter what anyone tells you but you already know deep down in your heart why. I already said it and you know you've already thought it.

 

 

Paying you these compliments so to speak by telling you all these sweet things like once a month is the same as him paying for car insurance. Do you get what I'm saying??? If he ever gets into a wreck he's good he paid his insurance that month. If things don't work out with other girls, he's good...he kept you on the hook so you'd be awaiting his return with open arms.

 

 

Thank you for your understanding Me85 *hugs*

I think you are totally right. I am just driving myself bonkers and I need to stop looking at his social media. I was very happy and had such a social life before I met him, and I lost everything and everyone for him and now I'm left alone. The highlight of my Friday night is going to be taking a bubble bath. I might go to the ER tomorrow bc my psychiatrist told me if my meds aren't working, to do so. So I think thats what I am going to do. I feel very manic as if I'm going off the deep end.

 

 

I'm so sorry you've lived with a broken heart so long. I look up to you as you are able to truck through all the pain. You are very strong and should be so proud of yourself!

 

You have such a good point with the last thing you said. That's very true.

 

There's really no reasoning in analyzing him because I will never understand.

 

I truly do need to put myself in the center of my universe. Thank you for your inspiring words. They really helped a lot. You are such a gem!

 

I hope you are doing alright tonight and are feeling well!!!

[singsparkles]

I think you already know what you need to do, but maybe you just need a push. It's full NC, blocking and deleting all ways he can contact you. For me social media is the real killer as it encourages people to fill in the blanks and make up their own stories about what their ex is up to. So I would at the very least unfriend him, but blocking is a much better idea. I gives you control of the contact and this alone gives a psychological boost to maintaining NC.

 

It's really tempting to ask why he's doing all this and what's going through his head, but even if people have seen this behaviour before or can give some insight you will still never really know. It's a way of trying to mind read, and it will only result in you thinking about it and creating terrible explanations which your mind will turn into realities.

 

As far as the loneliness goes, it's best to just distract yourself with something. Go for a run or some other exercise to get the endorphins up first and then find something you enjoy to occupy your mind. If you want to feel connected to people, message friends on facebook, call somebody, post all over this forum or find some other way. There are many ways to avoid feeling lonely

 

But most important maintain NC completely. I find reading the guide is a pretty good way of reminding you why you need to do it

 

 

 

littleblacksubmarine,

Thank you for your response... Everything you said is completely right and I took in every word. I know you're right, NC completely is the only way to go and the only way to heal and I need to stop looking at his social media. I need to find ways to distract myself and I do need to find hobbies.

 

I do go to the gym every day but I go in the morning for two hours and then I have the rest of the day to myself bc I was laid off from work, trying to find a job. Not having anything to do puts a toll on me, too.

 

 

You're right. There may truly not be any explaination as to why he is treating me this way and doing these things. I do need to stop analyzing him and leave him be and focus on myself.

 

I'll be okay. I'm going to take all your wonderful advice, thank you so much. I've been doing so well. It's just that tonight is much harder than usual. I have been NC for a week and I want to keep it that way!

 

Hugs,

xx

[me85]

You are most welcome! You're doing fine. We've all been right where you are and did just what you have. Some of us on LS can be tougher on you than others are on here but I'm sure it's only tough love in looking out for you. I know I've been slammed when I first joined because I was doing stupid, foolish, crazy, insane things regarding my ex! Wow. He was terrible to me and I just forgave and put myself through hell for that boy (who I don't ever see being a man no matter how old he gets.)

 

We're both 29. But I'm light years ahead of him when it comes to being more mature and more considerate of other people's feelings.

 

You'll get better. I'm not going to shove NC down your throat because that would make me a hypocrite. lol

 

However, I will challenge you to challenge yourself to see how many days you can go without looking at his social media. (;

 

I joined this site nearly a year ago. If you only knew how bad it was when I first posted on here. So don't look up to me too much. LOL I was a fool.

 

Look up to yourself. You do most certainly matter and I'll tell you something else...your ex isn't the last person you're ever going to love.

 

HUGS BACK! (=

Edited September 27, 2014 by me85

[singsparkles]

You are most welcome! You're doing fine. We've all been right where you are and did just what you have. Some of us on LS can be tougher on you than others are on here but I'm sure it's only tough love in looking out for you. I know I've been slammed when I first joined because I was doing stupid, foolish, crazy, insane things regarding my ex! Wow. He was terrible to me and I just forgave and put myself through hell for that boy (who I don't ever see being a man no matter how old he gets.)

 

We're both 29. But I'm light years ahead of him when it comes to being more mature and more considerate of other people's feelings.

 

You'll get better. I'm not going to shove NC down your throat because that would make me a hypocrite. lol

 

However, I will challenge you to challenge yourself to see how many days you can go without looking at his social media. (;

 

I joined this site nearly a year ago. If you only knew how bad it was when I first posted on here. So don't look up to me too much. LOL I was a fool.

 

Look up to yourself. You do most certainly matter and I'll tell you something else...you're ex isn't the last person you're ever going to love.

 

HUGS BACK! (=

 

 

 

Me85,

You couldn't be any more right. It feels like I get slammed every day on this site. Lol. But I still appreciate this site for the people that truly do understand. I love criticism and I want to learn. But it's hard to take criticism when someone is belittling your character as if your feelings are stupid, and how you should be out with your friends, and "don't you go to school" ... I'm 25 years old. I've been out of school for yrs. I am a registered nurse and am laid off, and I find that VERY offensive. Just because I may be younger than others doesn't mean my life is popping and I'm out partying every night having a grand old time. I did that in my early 20s and then started dating people and settling down and I changed a lot. I also lost a lot of friends because of the men I dated, which I regret so badly. I miss my best friend with all my heart. She just had a baby and I saw her at the grocery store and I started hysterically crying and I kissed her babies head and we hugged and she cried too. But we havent talked since then because shes so busy being a mom.

 

You're so sweet. I will take your challenge. Iam going to challenge myself and see how many days I can go without looking at his social media. I don't want to feel sick to my stomach anymore, and thats exactly how I feel when I look. It reminds me of how cold hearted he is and how badly he treated me and how much of a douche he is. I went wrong in the way that I knew he was a bad guy when I met him, but stupid me thought I could be superwoman and try to change him.

 

You're 29 and he was too? It sucks. Because women mature faster than men as it is, so he was probably not even close to your level and wasn't able to give you what you needed...am I right, or what happened, if you dont mind me asking?

 

I see a lot of people do crazy things after break ups. I guess I am not alone. I just want to get my dignity back and keep it this time. I don't wanna talk to him, I don't wana send him pleading messages, I don't want him to know I think of him. I made my Twitter private because HE BLOCKED ME ON TWITTER, yet still was looking at it! And he would send me texts about tweets I write. I made a tweet saying I was hanging out with a guy friend, and he texted me and said, "see, this is why I don't talk to you" ... it BAFFLED ME, because I thought he was over me and didnt look at my social media. but for awhile he was stalking it. I dont understand his behavior at all and I need to stop trying.

 

 

Thank you for being such a support. it seems we both have been going through the same thing. This site is such a huge support and I love coming on here and talking to you all. It helps to see there are people going through the same thing, and it helps to HELP EACHOTHER go through it.

 

I think we both should stick to NC. I think we are far out of these guy's leagues. They are immature and don't have what we need or what we want. We wish they did, but they just don't have it to give. I try to tell myself that every day... I think he would be the same with every girl, and its not just me. But like I said, some nights are harder than others.

 

 

You're right, we are going to go in and out of feelings, but as long as we stick to trying to love ourselves and keep making ourselves the center of our universe, it will help!!

 

 

More hugs ))

xxx

[LuckyLady13]

I don't understand my exes actions, and I keep analyzing them. Does anybody know why he keeps calling me to say he cares, then going weeks acting as if I don't exist?

 

then he contacted me telling me he missed me and wanted to see me. He lives a state away so I drove 2 1/2 hours

 

Then a week later he calls me and says, "you're the only girl I've ever loved this much and it scares me, thats why I push you away... I want to see you this weekend" so then that weekend we hung out. Everything was perfect. We were acting like a couple. We slept together that night

 

Singsparkles, without realizing it, you answered your own question. How did you find this jerk? Nevermind! But every time he tells you he thinks you're great or he wants to be with you, you go off running and he's got you almost tied to a string on his little finger. Whenever he wants, he just tugs on it and there you are!

 

You're young and sometimes when people are young, they don't have a care in the world. This guy is toying with you and he really doesn't care because when he wants, he's getting what he wants from you.

 

I wouldn't actually be surprised if you're not the only one he has on a string like this...

 

You should be angry. Really angry! He played games with your head and you said you had an active social life before him so he really painted you into a corner. And is now having a lot of fun with it. You're in the perfect position (lonely with your self-esteem down) for him to tug on your string again.

 

I feel bad for you. I really do. I think he was like this from day one but you were seeing the world through rose colored glasses at the time. All those compliments he was laying on you was just a heavier version of what he's doing now. He hooked you with it. And time and time again he's still hooking you with it but now he's so lazy about it he hardly puts in a drop of effort and it still is working on you.

 

I know rebuilding a social life is so hard. It's so awkward and confusing at first. But this really is what you need to do. And I think it would help you greatly to see him for who he is and what games he's playing so you get some healthy anger going on that boosts you up on your feet and gets you going out the door to a new, better life with a good guy who takes relationships as seriously as you do!

 

For your own good, don't pick up the phone if he calls. Let him swing in the wind! He deserves nothing better.

 

I'm really sorry you went through this. But your best bet is to get yourself a social life together and find a much better guy who you'll be happy with who won't play games with your head. Try not to let what this guy has done tarnish your idea of how men are. There's some really cool guys out there. They aren't even that hard to find. You just have to look!

[singsparkles]

Singsparkles, without realizing it, you answered your own question. How did you find this jerk? Nevermind! But every time he tells you he thinks you're great or he wants to be with you, you go off running and he's got you almost tied to a string on his little finger. Whenever he wants, he just tugs on it and there you are!

 

You're young and sometimes when people are young, they don't have a care in the world. This guy is toying with you and he really doesn't care because when he wants, he's getting what he wants from you.

 

I wouldn't actually be surprised if you're not the only one he has on a string like this...

 

You should be angry. Really angry! He played games with your head and you said you had an active social life before him so he really painted you into a corner. And is now having a lot of fun with it. You're in the perfect position (lonely with your self-esteem down) for him to tug on your string again.

 

I feel bad for you. I really do. I think he was like this from day one but you were seeing the world through rose colored glasses at the time. All those compliments he was laying on you was just a heavier version of what he's doing now. He hooked you with it. And time and time again he's still hooking you with it but now he's so lazy about it he hardly puts in a drop of effort and it still is working on you.

 

I know rebuilding a social life is so hard. It's so awkward and confusing at first. But this really is what you need to do. And I think it would help you greatly to see him for who he is and what games he's playing so you get some healthy anger going on that boosts you up on your feet and gets you going out the door to a new, better life with a good guy who takes relationships as seriously as you do!

 

For your own good, don't pick up the phone if he calls. Let him swing in the wind! He deserves nothing better.

 

I'm really sorry you went through this. But your best bet is to get yourself a social life together and find a much better guy who you'll be happy with who won't play games with your head. Try not to let what this guy has done tarnish your idea of how men are. There's some really cool guys out there. They aren't even that hard to find. You just have to look!

 

 

 

 

 

LuckyLady13,

That has to be one of the best, most inspirational comments I've gotten on here ever. I love how you point out how I should be angry, it actually makes me feel refreshed and I think you're totally right! He was always a douche bag, I just had rose colored glasses and could not see clearly in the beginning! I totally agree, I wouldn't doubt if he has another girl hes stringing along...

 

He wrote a tweet on Twitter saying, "my main b*tch and side b*tch are mad at me and I could care less" ... first of all, he's immature as ever can be. And he's an idiot. He's three years younger than me so that should have been a red flag to begin with, bc women mature faster than men as it is! I just was so blinded by how wonderful I thought he was treating me.

 

You're right. He loves the power and he knows that at any given time he can call me, and I'll fall right to his feet. But I want to prove him wrong. I don't want to answer the next time he calls, and I need to be ready for it. I need to gain my self confidence and independence back and also my social life. You are so very right. I think he took pride in me putting my whole life into him and losing the life I had. it filled up his ego, and every message and call I send him fills up his ego, and he loves the attention. That's why he gives enough just to keep me there.

 

I am going to continue NC, and if he calls or messages me, I will ignore it. I need my dignity back and I need to get strong again and get angry and realize this guy is a douche and doesn't deserve me, and never did!!

 

This whole post has really helped me a lot. When I wrote this, I felt so manic and depressed...and now talking to you all and hearing all your comments, I feel so much better and much calmer. Sometimes it feels good to talk to people, esp people who understand and can give you advice. I appreciate your support so much. Thank you so much! I will definitely take your advice, as everything you said is completely and utterly eye opening and true!!!

 

 

Hugs,

xxx

[LuckyLady13]

I am going to continue NC, and if he calls or messages me, I will ignore it. I need my dignity back and I need to get strong again and get angry and realize this guy is a douche and doesn't deserve me, and never did!!

 

 

That is so awesome!!

 

 

I've run into guys like this one and it was so much more frequent when I was younger. It's a lot more rare for me now. However, when it does happen now, they look like disoriented drunks trying old bad lines to pick up a date and it's so laughable and obvious. I guess when they get older and mentally slower it just comes off funny and really stupid looking.

 

One thing though. I can't totally agree on the theory of guys maturing much slower as a rule because when I was 25-ish, I had the problem of too many guys wanting to settle down and get married too fast and I was like um...look me up again when I'm 30 or 35 if you're single but no way am I settling down now! I was in the prime of my life. And so are you!

 

I noticed you said you're laid off. That's making this harder. If it wasn't for that, I think you'd be coming through this just a bit easier.

 

I do think though dating someone younger when you're young yourself did put you at a disadvantage because the odds of him being immature were higher.

 

I definitely remember meeting a few too many serious 25 year olds when I was dating at 25 myself so they are so out there. And they aren't all ugly or awkward, social weirdo's or anything either. I ran into a few hot and just plain good looking guys who were serious way before I was ready to be. So the right guy is out there for you and he might be hotter than this guy you wasted some time on. And while he's still playing his dumb games, you'll be hooked up in the serious relationship you were looking for that's totally stable and he's going to end up looking like such a loser!

 

[SoThatHappened]

Short version (and I'm not being a d!ck here):

 

You're hot.

 

He must be an attractive guy to get you, so he has options.

 

He's vetting those options.

 

You're an option to him, and you are making yourself WAY too available to him.

 

He's playing the field, and you were part of it.

 

Good news is, he seems like he really liked you.

 

Doesn't matter. He's playing the field at his age because he has options. Simple as that.

 

Move past him, find a guy that isn't a player and truly loves you, then marry that sonnovabitch!

[singsparkles]

That is so awesome!!

 

 

I've run into guys like this one and it was so much more frequent when I was younger. It's a lot more rare for me now. However, when it does happen now, they look like disoriented drunks trying old bad lines to pick up a date and it's so laughable and obvious. I guess when they get older and mentally slower it just comes off funny and really stupid looking.

 

One thing though. I can't totally agree on the theory of guys maturing much slower as a rule because when I was 25-ish, I had the problem of too many guys wanting to settle down and get married too fast and I was like um...look me up again when I'm 30 or 35 if you're single but no way am I settling down now! I was in the prime of my life. And so are you!

 

I noticed you said you're laid off. That's making this harder. If it wasn't for that, I think you'd be coming through this just a bit easier.

 

I do think though dating someone younger when you're young yourself did put you at a disadvantage because the odds of him being immature were higher.

 

I definitely remember meeting a few too many serious 25 year olds when I was dating at 25 myself so they are so out there. And they aren't all ugly or awkward, social weirdo's or anything either. I ran into a few hot and just plain good looking guys who were serious way before I was ready to be. So the right guy is out there for you and he might be hotter than this guy you wasted some time on. And while he's still playing his dumb games, you'll be hooked up in the serious relationship you were looking for that's totally stable and he's going to end up looking like such a loser!

 

 

 

LuckyLady,

I <3 you and I don't even know you!

 

I think you're totally right. Guys like this are the ones at the bar when you're in your 30s looking stupid, and lonelier than ever trying to pick up every chick while getting turned down because they never learned to settle down! I can so picture it. And it is laughable, and I agree with you, I will probably laugh my a** off someday at all of this!

 

 

You are so right. My mom keeps telling me even though I'm 25, I should be dating guys in their 30s because they are at the same mental level as me. Me dating a younger guy was definitely a disadvantage. He's immature and very dumb and I feel he lost something special and he will feel it down the line... he's jst too dumb having fun right now. I'm sure he's getting drunker than ever with his friends right now because thats what he does every weekend. And he passes out and forgets about life. Thats how he copes.

 

He called me one time when he was drunk saying he's never felt the way he feels about me about any girl. But it really doesn't mean anything, bc actions speak louder than words.

 

What's funny is everyone asks me WHY I'm so hooked on this guy, because he's NOT good looking at all (borderline ugly) and he's an idiot with an ugly soul. Hes just extremely arrogant and cocky and thinks he can get any girl despite these things, that's what I see in him, or maybe he's just incredible insecure and thats why he acts like that. I have no clue.

 

I think you're right. I have a whole future ahead of me and if I give it time I will meet a great guy whos hotter and has a WAY nicer heart than this dude... someone who appreciates me and doesn't take me for granted or play games with my heart. I need to be on the same page with someone, and I definitely wasn't on the same page as this guy (or kid, shall we say )

 

Thank you for the wonderful advice! Love your way of thinking! Definitely puts me into "*f*ck you, strong mode*"!! lol Thanks for your support, you're awesome

 

 

Hugs , xxxx

[singsparkles]

Short version (and I'm not being a d!ck here):

 

You're hot.

 

He must be an attractive guy to get you, so he has options.

 

He's vetting those options.

 

You're an option to him, and you are making yourself WAY too available to him.

 

He's playing the field, and you were part of it.

 

Good news is, he seems like he really liked you.

 

Doesn't matter. He's playing the field at his age because he has options. Simple as that.

 

Move past him, find a guy that isn't a player and truly loves you, then marry that sonnovabitch!

 

 

 

SoThatHappened,

Thank you so much for your advice and thank you for your compliment

 

What's funny is, he really is not good looking. All of my friends and family kept asking me what I saw in him the whole time, and to be honest, I just think it was the fact that he treated me like a princess in the beginning then started acting like a jerk, but in reality, I think he was just a jerk the whole time, I was just wearing rose colored glasses. I spent a lot of time missing the person I THOUGHT HE WAS.

 

I totally agree, I do think he is way too young and is playing the field. I don't think I'm the only girl he's doing this to.

 

I also think he finds happiness in me swooning over him and going crazy for him, and finds amusement in it and loves it because it strokes his ego.

 

I do think I need to initiate NC and stick to it! He definitely doesnt deserve my attention and doesn't deserve to know I'm in any pain over him. I don't wanna send anymore pleading texts or calls or make myself look foolish. I need to do NC cold turkey and get my dignity and pride and confidence back.

 

 

I was making myself too available to him and you're so right. I agree. He's way too young and doesn't have what I need or want to give to me, and isnt capable of loving me how I want.

 

My mom keeps telling me I should date a guy in his 30s because I'm so emotionally further than anyone my age. I want a family and I want kids.

 

I think you're right. I need to go out and find a guy who appreciates me and marry the sucker! hahahaha :D

 

Thanks for the advice

 

Hugs!!!

[SoThatHappened]

The compliment was an observation. Calling it as I see it

 

It's crazy, though, how physical attractiveness doesn't matter, as you have proven. You said he wasn't that attractive, but you still fell for him. Women are better at falling for personality compared to men. We fall for looks, women fall for connection.

 

It's a myth that women "fall" for money and looks. The women that do that are gold-diggers. You're not that. You're the norm.

 

You'll find plenty of guys attracted to you, but you have to be able to weed them out. Don't be afraid to talk to the "nice guy."

 

He's young. You know what you want now, but you got hurt in the process. Men and women are never on the same level, it seems.... unfortunately.

 

Oh, and your mom was right. Find a guy in his 30's... I'm 34... just sayin'

 

You'll be fine, believe me. Keep moving forward as if he has no bearing on your life whatsoever... because he doesn't unless you let him.

[AbandonedHeart]

"My main b*** and side b*** are mad at me and I could care less."

 

Girrrrl... he sounds like a damn idiot. Not to mention an incredibly immature, wanna be cool kid. He will NEVER be the MAN you want him to be, regardless of how much attention or love you give him, or how much you make him miss you. You're a well educated, intelligent, registered nurse! He's nothing but a 22-year old little boy who acts like he's 14. He doesn't DESERVE you in the slightest! You're probably blinded by your attachment to him because of having been intimate with him and how he temporarily made you feel in order to convince you to satisfy his own needs. You should NEVER be wasting your precious time driving 2 1/2 hours to see this sad little man and have him not even CARE that you're there! You've been like putty in his hands and he's been able to manipulate you however he's wanted to and he's KNOWN that you'd always come crawling back, making him lose respect for you in the process. Trust me, I'm MORE than guilty of this myself and am continuing to learn to respect myself more every day, but I hate to see a woman like you (successful, stunningly beautiful, and with SO much to live for) waste her time focusing on some immature little boy who treats her like CRAP and doesn't care about her.

I guarantee that soon enough, you will look back on this experience and think "What was I thinking? He was so not even worth it." But of course, it takes time. I am currently going through this process as well. Continue to be the STRONG woman that you are!

[singsparkles]

The compliment was an observation. Calling it as I see it

 

It's crazy, though, how physical attractiveness doesn't matter, as you have proven. You said he wasn't that attractive, but you still fell for him. Women are better at falling for personality compared to men. We fall for looks, women fall for connection.

 

It's a myth that women "fall" for money and looks. The women that do that are gold-diggers. You're not that. You're the norm.

 

You'll find plenty of guys attracted to you, but you have to be able to weed them out. Don't be afraid to talk to the "nice guy."

 

He's young. You know what you want now, but you got hurt in the process. Men and women are never on the same level, it seems.... unfortunately.

 

Oh, and your mom was right. Find a guy in his 30's... I'm 34... just sayin'

 

You'll be fine, believe me. Keep moving forward as if he has no bearing on your life whatsoever... because he doesn't unless you let him.

 

 

Thank you, hunny. That means a lot.

 

You are completely right about it being a myth that women look for money and looks. Only gold diggers do that. I truly just look for a guy that is crazy about me and I like to be treated like a princess, but unfortunately I go for the guys who do the "treat you like a princess" act and turn out to be frogs after you kiss them.

 

I totally agree. I was talking to a friend and I said the next guy I date is going to be the nice guy. I am done with the bad boys. I want love & I want trust & I want stability and consistency.

 

I do think I should date men in their 30s. I think it would work much better for me, as I am in the mindset of someone far older than my age. That's awesome you're 34. haha.

 

I definitely am going to take your advice and keep trucking along. I truly am starting to realize he's nothing but an immature little boy who doesn't deserve a woman like me. I deserve so much more.

 

Thanks for being there, hun!

 

Hugs

xxx

[singsparkles]

"My main b*** and side b*** are mad at me and I could care less."

 

Girrrrl... he sounds like a damn idiot. Not to mention an incredibly immature, wanna be cool kid. He will NEVER be the MAN you want him to be, regardless of how much attention or love you give him, or how much you make him miss you. You're a well educated, intelligent, registered nurse! He's nothing but a 22-year old little boy who acts like he's 14. He doesn't DESERVE you in the slightest! You're probably blinded by your attachment to him because of having been intimate with him and how he temporarily made you feel in order to convince you to satisfy his own needs. You should NEVER be wasting your precious time driving 2 1/2 hours to see this sad little man and have him not even CARE that you're there! You've been like putty in his hands and he's been able to manipulate you however he's wanted to and he's KNOWN that you'd always come crawling back, making him lose respect for you in the process. Trust me, I'm MORE than guilty of this myself and am continuing to learn to respect myself more every day, but I hate to see a woman like you (successful, stunningly beautiful, and with SO much to live for) waste her time focusing on some immature little boy who treats her like CRAP and doesn't care about her.

I guarantee that soon enough, you will look back on this experience and think "What was I thinking? He was so not even worth it." But of course, it takes time. I am currently going through this process as well. Continue to be the STRONG woman that you are!

 

 

 

AbandonedHeart,

Thank you so much for your reply and support. Your reply truly made my night and made me look at things SO differently! You're right. He's an idiot and a loser and immature. He does act 14, like a wannabe cool kid.

 

Thank you so much for the compliment. You're right; I should have higher standards. I am a better catch than sometimes I even realize,but I struggle with confidence issues, as I am working on them now.

 

I belong with a guy completely different and I know this. I belong with someone so much better & I will wait it out until I find a TRUE GOOD GUY. I'm done being desperate and just dating anyone who treats me like a princess in the beginning. I have to look to their background and realize who they truly are.

 

There were tons of red flags when I met this dude. On our first date he told me he regretted so many break ups he had with women and many of his break ups were because he wasn't attentive enough and wouldn't call or text them for days. He also had no real place to live and was basically sleeping on his brother's couch. He was very flighty and not consistent and when I don't get consistency from someone, I turn a little crazy and psycho because I need stability so bad.

 

I def think I've been looking in the wrong places for love, and I need to reavaluate what I'm truly looking for and do some soul searching. Being alone right now might be the best thing ever for me.

 

 

You're totally right. He has been manipulating and controlling since the beginning. The first time I met his friends, all of them were hitting on me and one asked to drive my car because all of us were drunk except for him and he flipped out on his guy friend and said "who do you think you are driving my girls car" and had a huge fight and kicked his friend of 15 yrs out of the car because he was so mad. Then on our ride home he kept asking me if I was attracted to his friend and was all pissed because his friend was flirting with me. But I wasn't flirting back! He's been immature and insecure since the beginning, and I think he masks it by trying to act like a bad boy.

 

I think hes broken and lost and doesn't know where he's going in life, and that's not the type of person I want. I know I deserve so much more!

 

I'm sad to hear you've been through the same thing, but it sounds like you rose above it and are trying to change/have changed and I commend you completely, I want to become strong just like that and I want to start today. if you are still going through the same process, I will say the same thing to you...you seem like an amazing, beautiful, compassionate person and I can tell with what you just wrote to me. You shouldn't waste your time on any loser either!! You are much more worthy of that!!!

 

I appreciate your advice so much. <3

 

I am definitely going to keep NC going and keep it going. I know he doesn't deserve to be in my life and I know eventually I will prob look back on this and laugh, as I will find someone much better and more suitable for me!!

 

 

Lots of hugs ))

xxxxx

[singsparkles]

I don't know if any of you know my story, but I wrote it in another thread...

 

The same ex is calling me at 4am after I tweeted that I'm hanging out with a guy. I knew this was going to happen.

 

Then I sent him a text message back saying, "why are you calling? you keep playing with my heart so I moved on" ... NO RESPONSE...

 

 

Is this just a way of trying to gain power over me again? He wanted to call me so I would answer or respond in some sort of way so then he could ignore me? I don't understand why he does this. I should have just ignored it, but of course I responded in some way. He's completely immature.

[anne1707]

I don't know your story but to be honest, you tweeting about a date and knowing that your ex would react suggests to me that you may be the one who did all this as a power/ego thing. Your ex just responded as you wanted him to.

[littleblacksubmarine]

I think a key point of NC, that really isn't highlighted enough because a lot of people miss it, is avoid mind reading. He is the only one that knows his motives, and even he might not know why. NC is about trying not to think of your ex, and mind reading is only going to result in over thinking.

 

Please block his number today for your own sake so that he cannot do this kind of thing. Change your number if you have to. Block him from your social media too.

 

I know I've said this to you before, but it really is the only advice I can give as it is the only thing that will help.

 

Try not to think of it as him doing this to you either as this removes cntrol of your own feelings from you. You will get stuck in this mind set that he is hurting you, therefore you can't do anything to stop it. You can, you are in control of how you feel, not him, you can control it by refusing to have any contact with him.

 

It will be difficult, it really will, but remember that you are trying to feel better and feel less pain and that this is the best way to achieve it. That is your motivation

[littleblacksubmarine]

Why don't you have many friends? Are you in school? This is Friday night and you should be planning to hang out with friends to do fun things. Not sitting around discussing your ex who treats you like just another option. You will never be able to move on if all you do is talk about him. You need to get out there with other people your age so you can meet someone new.

 

This advice is not well phrased, though the underlying sentiment is not completely inaccurate. You should be trying to find ways of not thinking about your ex, however going out and having fun is not the only way. If that's what you want to do and the option is available to you, then do it but don't feel pressured into it it. Don't feel like that is what you have to be doing, especially if you don't have many friends around.

 

There is so much much pressure to go out to clubs and parties and 'live life' etc., but there is nothing wrong with not doing that. It sounds like you don't really enjoy that kind of thing anymore, so don't let it bother you if that's not what you want to do. If it is, then don't worry about it, the opportunity to do so will come up eventually.

 

What you do need to do is find alternative distractions. You work out everyday which is a great start, if I'm not already then this is the first thing I start doing when I'm feeling low. Then you need to start finding other outlets, if you're a sociable person then look for ways of extending your friendship group. If you'e more introvert then take up a new hobby or restart an old one. Basically do things that you enjoy and you will start to feel better

[SoThatHappened]

I def think I've been looking in the wrong places for love, and I need to reavaluate what I'm truly looking for and do some soul searching. Being alone right now might be the best thing ever for me.

Very mature and lucid thinking. You're ahead of the game and you are being logical. It's good to hear and shows you are above the type of relationship you had with him.

 

Be alone for a bit. Work on the things you have admitted to being wrong with you. You'll be a better woman because of it. Then, the right guy will notice this and treat you so much better.

 

Keep your head up

[SoThatHappened]

The same ex is calling me at 4am after I tweeted that I'm hanging out with a guy. I knew this was going to happen.

Honey, don't play that game. You did it on purpose to get something out of him. That's the opposite of NC. Also, advertising things like that is not cool. On top of that, you're not doing any favors to the guy you were hanging out with. He might fall for you, but you're still hung up on this idiot. Not cool.

 

Then I sent him a text message back saying, "why are you calling? you keep playing with my heart so I moved on" ... NO RESPONSE...

It played out how you wanted it to play out. However, by responding, you probably stroked his ego a bit.

 

Cut this guy out of your life. No game-playing. No falling back on other dudes to get over him. That's not fair to them.

 

You said before that you think you need to be alone to reevaluate your feelings and who you are. You are correct. Do that. Don't play games.