Ex is so hot and cold, rougher tonight/in more pain than usual (Updated)

[BC1980]

I don't know if any of you know my story, but I wrote it in another thread...

 

The same ex is calling me at 4am after I tweeted that I'm hanging out with a guy. I knew this was going to happen.

 

Then I sent him a text message back saying, "why are you calling? you keep playing with my heart so I moved on" ... NO RESPONSE...

 

 

Is this just a way of trying to gain power over me again? He wanted to call me so I would answer or respond in some sort of way so then he could ignore me? I don't understand why he does this. I should have just ignored it, but of course I responded in some way. He's completely immature.

 

Yes, it's a power thing, but you enjoy that he is calling you. It gives you some sense of validation, which is why you answered. You should have ignored him, and you should block him if it's too tempting to text him back.

[ExpatInItaly]

What exactly were you hoping to achieve by tweeting that you were with another guy?

[singsparkles]

I don't know your story but to be honest, you tweeting about a date and knowing that your ex would react suggests to me that you may be the one who did all this as a power/ego thing. Your ex just responded as you wanted him to.

 

 

To be completely honest,

I didn't know he would respond. I have a lot of guy friends and tweet about hanging out with them a lot. This time he might of happened to look at my Twitter, possibly drunk (because it was 4am) and decided to call me. He has been very adamant about not calling me and he hasn't called me at all, and I haven;t called him. I didn't want him to respond that way because that's just not the kind of attention I ever wanted from him. At one point, I wanted him to truly love me but I know thats not possible and hes not capable of doing so.

[singsparkles]

I think a key point of NC, that really isn't highlighted enough because a lot of people miss it, is avoid mind reading. He is the only one that knows his motives, and even he might not know why. NC is about trying not to think of your ex, and mind reading is only going to result in over thinking.

 

Please block his number today for your own sake so that he cannot do this kind of thing. Change your number if you have to. Block him from your social media too.

 

I know I've said this to you before, but it really is the only advice I can give as it is the only thing that will help.

 

Try not to think of it as him doing this to you either as this removes cntrol of your own feelings from you. You will get stuck in this mind set that he is hurting you, therefore you can't do anything to stop it. You can, you are in control of how you feel, not him, you can control it by refusing to have any contact with him.

 

 

It will be difficult, it really will, but remember that you are trying to feel better and feel less pain and that this is the best way to achieve it. That is your motivation

 

 

 

littleblacksubmarine,

You are very right. I guess I truly broke the NC rule last night by even replying. But everything is a lesson learned. Now I know I should block his number and not respond to anything and I will do all those things, as I do truly want to move on. I don't want to feel like sh*t anymore like people are assuming. To be honest, I can't really tell you even WHY I responded. I guess I wasn't thinking in the moment and I was half asleep, it was 4am.

 

 

I totally agree that NC completely is the only way.

[singsparkles]

Honey, don't play that game. You did it on purpose to get something out of him. That's the opposite of NC. Also, advertising things like that is not cool. On top of that, you're not doing any favors to the guy you were hanging out with. He might fall for you, but you're still hung up on this idiot. Not cool.

 

 

It played out how you wanted it to play out. However, by responding, you probably stroked his ego a bit.

 

Cut this guy out of your life. No game-playing. No falling back on other dudes to get over him. That's not fair to them.

 

You said before that you think you need to be alone to reevaluate your feelings and who you are. You are correct. Do that. Don't play games.

 

 

 

 

I agree. I was not tweeting that to play games as you all think though. The only friends I really have are guys so I just tweeted that I was hanging with one of my guy friends, and this isn't the first time I have tweeted that. But it's the first time he's called me at 4am after probably seeing it, and was probably just drunk. He will never respond back to what I said to him, and may just call me another night at 4am, but next time I will know better than to answer in any way.

[singsparkles]

Yes, it's a power thing, but you enjoy that he is calling you. It gives you some sense of validation, which is why you answered. You should have ignored him, and you should block him if it's too tempting to text him back.

 

 

 

I totally agree. But I think you have me all wrong with the enjoyment factor, it is only frustration. For about three months he has been given me attention, but it's not the type of attention I ever wanted from it. I'm not immature and I don't play tit for tat. I was doing NC and obviously notice I broke it last night to replying to his text. It was 4am and I was half asleep and now I regret texting him back. I know he will not respond to my texts, but he may call again someday at 12-4am just cause he can... but I agree, I should definitely take measures to block him. Next time I know better than to break NC. It's really all a lesson learned and people get better with time. I obviously made a mistake that I know I will fix next time it happens.

[singsparkles]

What exactly were you hoping to achieve by tweeting that you were with another guy?

 

 

People love to bash me on this board, and have been bashing me for days, but it's okay. I'm being honest when I say I truly never wanted to achieve anything from tweeting I was with a guy. This isn't the first time I've done that. I have a lot of guy friends so I tweet about hanging out with them occasionally and this isn't the first time he saw this. Obviously it was 4am, and he was possibly drunk and decided to call me. He will not answer my texts, but will prob call me at an awkward time in the future again. Everything is a lesson learned, like I said, I obviously broke NC without even realizing and feel like **** for it, but everything is a lesson learned. Now I know not to even reply and even say things like, "stop calling" or "why are you calling" and instead just ignore it and/or block his number.

 

I was not looking to achieve attention from him, because the attention he gives me towards situations like that is not the attention I ever wanted from him. I wnated him to love me at one point, but I've figured out and have known for awhile he is not capable of loving me the way I want, and thats why I am moving on and initiating NC. Obviously I broke it by responding, but everyone is human, and I know better than to do that next time.

[singsparkles]

This advice is not well phrased, though the underlying sentiment is not completely inaccurate. You should be trying to find ways of not thinking about your ex, however going out and having fun is not the only way. If that's what you want to do and the option is available to you, then do it but don't feel pressured into it it. Don't feel like that is what you have to be doing, especially if you don't have many friends around.

 

There is so much much pressure to go out to clubs and parties and 'live life' etc., but there is nothing wrong with not doing that. It sounds like you don't really enjoy that kind of thing anymore, so don't let it bother you if that's not what you want to do. If it is, then don't worry about it, the opportunity to do so will come up eventually.

 

What you do need to do is find alternative distractions. You work out everyday which is a great start, if I'm not already then this is the first thing I start doing when I'm feeling low. Then you need to start finding other outlets, if you're a sociable person then look for ways of extending your friendship group. If you'e more introvert then take up a new hobby or restart an old one. Basically do things that you enjoy and you will start to feel better

 

 

 

That was a good way of wording advice, but I still don't think it was a different way of wording stillafool's advice. That advice was pretty harsh, mean and belittling. Your advice had nothing to do with that, and instead you understood I really don't go out to bars or have many friends so it's hard for me. stillafool basically said, "why aren't you in school" "you should be out with your friends on a Friday night" as if I'm in highschool... I'm 25 yrs old, that is very belittling. And even A LOT of people in highschool don't go out because they dont have many friends, so that advice would be belittling to them also. Your advice had nothing to do with stillafool's.

 

Thank you for your advice, and I will let it sink in. I think you're totally right and I should find different outlets and hobbies to keep my mind off of it. And I also think you're right that part of NC is to stop trying to mind read... I learn something new here every day. I am still a newbie, so I take in all the advice I can get. I'm going to stop analyzing him and I know for next time he calls/texts me, not to answer, and I will not. I want to do NC and stick to it as I want my happiness back and I want myself back.

[littleblacksubmarine]

littleblacksubmarine,

You are very right. I guess I truly broke the NC rule last night by even replying. But everything is a lesson learned. Now I know I should block his number and not respond to anything and I will do all those things, as I do truly want to move on. I don't want to feel like sh*t anymore like people are assuming. To be honest, I can't really tell you even WHY I responded. I guess I wasn't thinking in the moment and I was half asleep, it was 4am.

 

 

I totally agree that NC completely is the only way.

 

I just want to correct you on one thing here, while replying was a mistake, the main one is not blocking his number if you know he is likely to call. This is probably because part of you still wants him to call as blocking him out completely is scary. You made a mistake, don't be too hard on yourself about it, while it's caused you pain that can be used as a lesson too. Unfortunately all the advice in the world can't replace the need for bitter experience, but it can hopefully minimise it.

[littleblacksubmarine]

That was a good way of wording advice, but I still don't think it was a different way of wording stillafool's advice.

 

I think there's was harsh and judgmental, but essentially runs along the lines of not thinking about your ex which is what NC is all about. They've been on here a while so it's probably just frustration at a perceived ignoring of advice, I wouldn't take it personally

[singsparkles]

I just want to correct you on one thing here, while replying was a mistake, the main one is not blocking his number if you know he is likely to call. This is probably because part of you still wants him to call as blocking him out completely is scary. You made a mistake, don't be too hard on yourself about it, while it's caused you pain that can be used as a lesson too. Unfortunately all the advice in the world can't replace the need for bitter experience, but it can hopefully minimise it.

 

 

 

I can't lie and say you're wrong. When I truly think about it, I have been scared to block him because subconsciously I'm hoping he will change and come running back and say he was wrong... but deep down inside, I know he won't do that. You're completely right. My biggest mistake is not blocking him, and I'm going to take measures to do so, because if I don't, I will still keep waiting on his call and I'm truly not doing NC completely and it won't help me completely feel.

 

It def is a painful experience... I dont get a high on him calling like that. I wish he would leave me voicemails saying he's wrong and how he wants to change, but that is just naive of me and I know I have to stop holding onto that now, because its completely bizzarre and unhealthy and I know it will NEVER HAPPEN.

 

Thank you for the advice. I won't be so hard on myself and instead I will change my actions and make it so this won't happen again by taking further measures. Its unhealthy to still be in contact with him and I know it. I need to go NC completely, even if it hurts.

[singsparkles]

I think there's was harsh and judgmental, but essentially runs along the lines of not thinking about your ex which is what NC is all about. They've been on here a while so it's probably just frustration at a perceived ignoring of advice, I wouldn't take it personally

 

 

 

You're completely right. I know some people who have been on this site for awhile have been giving the same advice to people like me for awhile and get tired of it. It's just when I first read it, it hurts cause I'm a very sensitive person but I'll definitely not take stuff so personal anymore, because I know it's not.

[BC1980]

You're completely right. I know some people who have been on this site for awhile have been giving the same advice to people like me for awhile and get tired of it. It's just when I first read it, it hurts cause I'm a very sensitive person but I'll definitely not take stuff so personal anymore, because I know it's not.

 

I don't think people are intentionally trying to be hurtful. Most of us (I would say the vast majority) have actually made the mistakes you are making, so we know, first hand, what is happening. We really do care, and we don't want you to make the same mistakes. Your situation is pretty much cookie cutter, and I've seen it so many times on LS. My situation was not special even though I wanted it to be.

 

You need to cut off all and any contact with your ex for your sake. There is no in between. Over time, you will realize that you can live without him, and that you are likely much better off without him around to torture you. Also, I don't know if you understand that NC means not responding if he attempts to contact you. Of course, you are not supposed to contact him either, but you basically treat him as if he no longer exists. Most people advocate blocking because it's so tempting to respond to a text or a pick up the phone if he calls. There is no need to make it more difficult for yourself because it's already difficult enough not to initiate contact. Blocking is also advocated because even seeing the person's phone number or a text can be upsetting. You think you can handle it until happens.

Edited September 27, 2014 by BC1980

[stillafool]

Wow, that was INCREDIBLY insensitive. Thanks for your support and making me feel even more like a nobody. I am 25 years old. xoxo

 

I wasn't trying to be insensitive and I'm sorry if your feelings were hurt. You are 25 years old and should be out meeting people and having fun. I am curious why you haven't made any friends. I think this is key to helping you get through this breakup.

[littleblacksubmarine]

I don't think people are intentionally trying to be hurtful. Most of us (I would say the vast majority) have actually made the mistakes you are making, so we know, first hand, what is happening. We really do care, and we don't want you to make the same mistakes. Your situation is pretty much cookie cutter, and I've seen it so many times on LS.

 

It is easy to forget that some people are new to this and less experienced, I think when giving advice it is important to remain impartial, non judgemental and avoid making assumptions. Even if somebody is very experienced and should know better, still treat them with compassion, it is not our place to judge, only to advise

[littleblacksubmarine]

I wasn't trying to be insensitive and I'm sorry if your feelings were hurt. You are 25 years old and should be out meeting people and having fun. I am curious why you haven't made any friends. I think this is key to helping you get through this breakup.

 

I can understand why you think way, but this is not a helpful sentiment. Age is irrelevant, and saying 'you should be out meeting friends' piles on the pressure to have a social life. Don't hide in the shadows, but equally don't feel obliged to be sociable. Do what you want to do

 

Going out and making friends is not key to getting through this break up, feeling comfortable with who you are is

[me85]

Look, I have tried it all but at the end I found that time and going through all the emotions were the only ways to learn. We just have to see for ourselves ultimately.

 

You know, there really isn't a right or wrong way…it's all opinionated. What works for one doesn't necessarily work for another.

Edited September 28, 2014 by me85

[ExpatInItaly]

I can't lie and say you're wrong. When I truly think about it, I have been scared to block him because subconsciously I'm hoping he will change and come running back and say he was wrong... but deep down inside, I know he won't do that. You're completely right. My biggest mistake is not blocking him, and I'm going to take measures to do so, because if I don't, I will still keep waiting on his call and I'm truly not doing NC completely and it won't help me completely feel.

 

It def is a painful experience... I dont get a high on him calling like that. I wish he would leave me voicemails saying he's wrong and how he wants to change, but that is just naive of me and I know I have to stop holding onto that now, because its completely bizzarre and unhealthy and I know it will NEVER HAPPEN.

 

Thank you for the advice. I won't be so hard on myself and instead I will change my actions and make it so this won't happen again by taking further measures. Its unhealthy to still be in contact with him and I know it. I need to go NC completely, even if it hurts.

 

And honestly, it will hurt a lot less than continuing to let him have a position in your life. Every time he randomly texts or calls, it's giving you false hope or at least a crumb to hang on to. It stirs up the sadness and highlights what's no longer there. NC is, in the long-run, the easier option. It will be better for you.

[BC1980]

And honestly, it will hurt a lot less than continuing to let him have a position in your life. Every time he randomly texts or calls, it's giving you false hope or at least a crumb to hang on to. It stirs up the sadness and highlights what's no longer there. NC is, in the long-run, the easier option. It will be better for you.

 

Exactly. In the long run, NC is much more beneficial. It's short sighted to break NC because it keeps you emotionally attached and invested. You never allow yourself to move on because you keep revisiting the scene of the crime, so to speak. I have seen people asking why they haven't been able to move on from their exes after several years, and it always comes back to the person not keeping NC. They keep the door open just enough to sabotage any chance of moving on.

 

Keeping NC is really an example of short term pain for long term gain.

[singsparkles]

So I made another thread of my story, and of course everyone told me NC, but my ex sent me a ton of pleading messages over the weekend saying he cared about me and how he wanted to work things out. He told me "we both have a lot to work on, but I think we can work things out" ... He wanted to see me that night, but I had to work night shift so I wasn't able to see him. He said he was so happy we were working things out and he said he missed me incredibly much and couldn't wait to see me and used tons of smiley faces as if he was very happy that we were talking.

 

He ended up going out for a friend's birthday (I don't know where) and getting completely plastered and ignoring my texts. Then the next morning, he goes on Twitter and tweets yet ignores my texts. So I called him out on it. I said, "Thanks for ignoring my call but tweeting on Twitter once again. I'm done"and he replied back "What did I tell you about this Twitter ****? You take it so seriously" , then I told him "It has NOTHING to do with Twitter and you tweeting. It has to do with you not making me a priority and making tweeting on twitter and TONS OF OTHER THINGS more importtant than me." ... He NEVER texted back.

 

So here I am, BACK AT SQUARE ONE... woke up from my nap, no response, and I have called him 31 times and texted him 22 times... I feel completely psycho. Every time I fall for his stupid promises, it only hits me back in my face. I really thought he was serious about wanting to work things out. Naive me trusted that maybe he truly did care and wanted to change. But no, we're back to the same old thing; he ignores my feelings and calls and also calls my emotions/feelings "dumb" and shrugs them off as if it's stupid I even feel them.He kept telling me "give it time, let things come naturally" ...

 

How do I do that when I'm constantly being ignored and shunned?

 

I'm so mad at myself for breaking NC and becoming psycho again. I feel like a big ball of emotions. My adrenaline was rushing so bad when I woke up my whole body was shaking. I'm SO SICK of this feeling :'( It's the worst feeling in the entire world!

 

I'm sick of him luring me back in, saying everything I wanting to hear,me believing it, and then him proving to me that I'm a complete idiot every time. Why am I always putty in his hands? How do I stop this??? Someone please help. I don't know how the hell to get out of this. I am in SO FAR DEEP, it's hard to get out. My chest hurts and I feel like vomitting. My whole body aches. I can't sleep now, I don't want to eat.

 

I'm so mad at myself for doing this to myself again and believing him.

 

I know NC is about trying not to analyze someone and cutting complete contact off, including responding to an ex. But I'm so weak that when he texts or calls, I jump. How do I stop this and how do I reason with myself to not reply to him anymore?

 

I'm completely psycho again and only feel worse than before. Wht is so good about him? What do I see in him? I truly hate everything about him, yet I jump at his every command. He's not that good looking, he doesn't have a good job, nothing stands out, I'm just a complete wreck over him.

 

When he's nice to me, it's the best feeling in the world and I couldn't ask for better, he's everything I've dreamed of. But that feeling only lasts a day and then he goes the next two weeks treating me like absolute crap and ignoring me... It's a vicious cycle and I KNOW I'm the one to blame, BECAUSE I LET IT HAPPEN. I'm a complete idiot with no emotional self control and I dislike myself so much for it.

 

I really just need some support right now... I can't stop calling and texting him. Its like an addiction. It's completely horrible!

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for listening!,

Hugs, xxx

I took a 5 hour nap because I took xanax to knock me out, hoping that when I awoke I would have a response from him. ...NOTHING.

[singsparkles]

Should I shut my phone off for the week or hide it in order to not contact him/not answer his calls? Or is that just dumb?

[Zing]

Why are you asking?

 

You already know what you should do. Yes you should do everything in your power to block every avenue of communication and prevent yourself from ever contacting this person.

[BikerAccnt]

Should I shut my phone off for the week or hide it in order to not contact him/not answer his calls? Or is that just dumb?

 

 

If it's what you think you need to do, then no, it's not dumb at all.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Listen, you need to first breathe, take a huge step back and stop talking to him.

 

You're causing a lot irreparable damage pulling the psycho ex gf crap calling & texting over and over. If there is one thing that is more unattractive than all others, its the psycho act.

 

I have been where you have been and I'm actually from CT too, you remind me of my best friend and his ex, they do this kinda thing all the time, the back and forth, make each other crazy act, it get exhausting for everyone involved.

 

even tho I'm sure you've heard it over and over, NC is the only way, and unless you want to keep making yourself crazy, you need to stick to it.

 

Ex and breakups are very similar to overcoming drug addictions, the same part of your brain is affected.

 

Take care of yourself and stop talking to him.

[singsparkles]

Why are you asking?

 

You already know what you should do. Yes you should do everything in your power to block every avenue of communication and prevent yourself from ever contacting this person.

 

 

 

I know. I do know what to do. I just need to be stronger and actually do it once and for all.