Ex is so hot and cold, rougher tonight/in more pain than usual (Updated)

[singsparkles]

I think in the end it comes down to self-respect.

 

I know it's difficult when your emotions are running high. But do you really want a man who is going to act like this towards you? Try to think about it logically.

 

This bloke sounds like a idiot and treats you like s**t.

 

Go NC, it does amazing things for the mind, it lets you reflect on the relationship and your ex and you start to realise that actually I'm ok without them, and you start to see the negative points about the relationship and you realise that this person doesn't deserve your attention.

 

 

CT98,

I totally agree with you, it does all come down to self respect and I'm going to gain it back because I refuse to talk to this mofo again. This is probably the 200th time this has happened. I've given him enough chances already; actually, too many chances.

 

He is an idiot and he does treat me horribly, and I know I don't deserve it because I treat him like gold and jump at his every command. But that stops today, I refuse to do that any longer. I have to love myself enough not to love him and take care of myself.

 

I agree, NC is the only way to go and it will help me heal. Tonight I started to truly reflect on our relationship and I thought to myself, "there are so many more bad times I remember than good", and it truly opened my eyes. He never treated me right, and has only loved me conditionally and only on his terms, and I wouldn't even call it love, because love is not egoism, and love does not hurt and get happiness in seeing someone suffer.

 

Thank you for your reply! He definitely doesn't deserve me and tonight I blocked him from literally everything and feel much better. I'm going to get my dignity and pride back.

[singsparkles]

Hmmm...it makes me NOT want to do it!

 

I'm glad it makes you not want to do it. Looking back at my post and thinking of everything he's done makes me never want to do it again, and I'm never going to.

[DiTat]

I'm glad it makes you not want to do it. Looking back at my post and thinking of everything he's done makes me never want to do it again, and I'm never going to.

 

I understand how hard this is.

 

I am in my late 40s and this is the first time I have had a broken heart.

 

You just want to fix things...know that the breaking up isn't right. It has been really helpful being here...two quotes I've read which have really been meaningful are...

 

"Accept that whatever you did or did not, he chose to end things, you have to respect his decision, but he no longer deserves your love or passion, and you will emerge stronger. "

 

*************

 

 

"You lost someone who doesn't loves you. And he lost someone who loves him with all his heart.

 

It is his loss. Not yours."

 

It is still hard not to want to fight for it. I guess because we have all these expectations of what the relationship could have been.

[Michalzone]

i totally understand you, and you are not psycho neither is there something wrong with you. breaking up with a person you love very much, regardless of their looks, job situation or anything else is like loosing someone to death. it will emotionally kill your balance and turn you into a person you are not, or want to be. it is not you, and you can try finding who you are. i am in the same situation, worse still my ex has a new girlfriend, tells everyone already he does, and although he had never met the girl (online relationship) he said he is open to marrying her already. yet he constantly texted me none stop all day and all night untill i would fall asleep. tried NC and he lasted 24hrs before calling me and asking is it really what i want. of course not, i want things to go back to the way they were. they wont. please try to see it this way, he has hurt you, you may never be able to trust him again and working things out will may end up in hurting you again in the long run. if he is capable of doing this once, he is likely to do this again. my ex and i have a house together and are in the midst of seperating all finances and stuff so nc is practically at this point impossible. i try, and it hurts but if i could i would remove him from my contact list, delete him from my life and feel sick for a while but i know it will not last and after a while i will feel better, our souls are stronger than we think. delete him from twitter, block his number, or never ever respond to his messages no matter what he says. my experience would be about a month of total pain and then it does get a bit better. seek therapy, talk to your friends and accept or try, the fact that there is no other way than going through the fire. you can not go around it but you will come out the other end stronger and more balanced. There is no cure, there is no magic potion other than time. dont be hard on yourself for behaving like you do, self hate may make things harder for you. how long have you been with your ex?

[Boomshine]

I'm sick of him luring me back in, saying everything I wanting to hear,me believing it, and then him proving to me that I'm a complete idiot every time. Why am I always putty in his hands? How do I stop this??? Someone please help. I don't know how the hell to get out of this. I am in SO FAR DEEP, it's hard to get out. My chest hurts and I feel like vomitting. My whole body aches. I can't sleep now, I don't want to eat.

 

I'm not going to go through the entire thread right now as it's hella late, and all I can think about is finishing this cigarette and then going to sleep, but I want to respond to this bit of the original post at the very least for now. Namely the "How do I stop this?" part.

 

You know the good ol' Five Stages of Grief? Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance? When he's telling you everything you want to hear in hopes to get you back, he's only in the Bargaining Stage.

 

If you want to TRULY have a chance with him, you need to wait until he's reached acceptance, which is to say when he comes to you, he won't be in a state of being overwhelmed by emotions. He may be emotional to an extent, but I'm sure if you look at how he's been behaving when telling you everything you wanted to hear, that it was "off" in comparison to his normal.

 

I wanted to give you this answer because this has been the case with my most-recent love. We were being platonic friends as of April. In July, I couldn't be her friend anymore (won't get into that story). And during all of July, I saw the first three steps (before I was consciously aware of what the stages of grief were).

 

First, she tried to deny it, and kept texting me as if we were still friends. I'd be nice, but wouldn't have any lengthy talks or meet her in person. Then the anger, as she couldn't understand why I was doing this. Then the bargaining. I told her we could be friends on one certain stipulation, and she bargained me RIGHT OUT of that deal. Told me exactly what I'd wanted to hear, without her doing the work required on her end to meet the stipulation that would make me feel truly comfortable.

 

Upon reflecting now (we're not friends AGAIN - once again, my decision), I realize that when she fought for my friendship and told me everything I'd wanted to hear, she wasn't truly done grieving. And since the grieving wasn't done, the emotional attachment wasn't lost. Which meant she was STILL in the mindset from the past. That's the critical point here, in both my situation and with yours.

 

If you want things to REALLY work out and have a TRUE reconciliation with him, he has to be able to come to you in a state where he can be emotionally HONEST without being emotionally AFFECTED. He should be able to TELL you how sad he is without being so sad that he's crying/begging/pleading/bargaining/etc.

 

That's how you stop this. Wait until he can come to you when he's in a point of acceptance. Deny his initial bargains. Make him keep going through his grieving, and allow yourself to do the same. Then you guys will be able to make sweet, sweet music together once again.

[BC1980]

I just don't understand why he keeps playing these yo yo games. One day he wants to work things out, says he misses me and he's never felt this way about any other girl. Then the next day he's so cold, doesn't contact me and ignores me and always chalks my feelings up to being "stupid" ...

 

He plays these games because you allow it. You are the common denominator in your relationships, as we all are. Ever heard the saying, "water seeks its own level?" I think he enjoys the control he can exert over you. I think he finds it amusing, and he has found someone (you) to play his games. Your self esteem is so battered and your boundaries so poor, that you actually, in your words, jump anytime he makes contact. You basically grovel to get his attention, and, when he pulls away, you go chasing him.

 

You said it's always on his terms, and he makes fun of you if you are upset. But you chase after this guy? It's not love. It's toxic. It's you wanting "love" at all costs. You know what to do. Block him, and stop devaluing yourself.

[littleblacksubmarine]

I think unfortunately, while we can all tell you NC is the best way forward, you simply don't have enough faith in it to commit fully. I have complete faith in NC because I know how painful the alternative is. It doesn't help that he is contacting you, but that doesn't mean you have no control over it.

 

You've linked how you are feeling to him and his actions, when he tells you what you want to hear he makes you happy. When he doesn't respond to you, he is making you unhappy. When you think this way you are preventing yourself from being in control of your own feelings. You should avoid idealising him, but you should also avoid blaming him for how you feel because regardless of what he is doing, you can still prevent him from doing it.

 

You can take control by blocking him, changing your number etc., you can choose not to have contact with him, you can choose to do the things that will make you feel better. It is down to you to make yourself happy, not him. And if you struggle with this don't blame yourself, it's difficult, it will be a hard for you, but you are human you'll make mistakes and you'll learn from them. Everybody on this site is here because they've struggled with a break up at some point in their life. It doesn't make you weak, or stupid, it makes you human.

 

Try reading about self esteem sometime, specifically the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic self esteem, you will learn a lot about yourself and why you feel so bad sometimes

[singsparkles]

I understand how hard this is.

 

I am in my late 40s and this is the first time I have had a broken heart.

 

You just want to fix things...know that the breaking up isn't right. It has been really helpful being here...two quotes I've read which have really been meaningful are...

 

"Accept that whatever you did or did not, he chose to end things, you have to respect his decision, but he no longer deserves your love or passion, and you will emerge stronger. "

 

*************

 

 

"You lost someone who doesn't loves you. And he lost someone who loves him with all his heart.

 

It is his loss. Not yours."

 

It is still hard not to want to fight for it. I guess because we have all these expectations of what the relationship could have been.

 

 

 

 

I guess being heartbroken never gets easy, no matter how old you are. I'm very sorry you're experiencing it, it's a horrible hopeless feeling.

 

I love those few quotes you sent. Those are great and a very good way of looking at things from a different point of view. In the end I guess it's true... It's their loss. We might be going through heartbreak, but we have to realize how much of a great catch we are and what THEY are losing out on, and not focus on what we miss as much, because THEY are the ones that ended things whether it was directly or indirectly.

 

I did have expectations of what the relationship could have been and I pondered about it over and over again until I realized... a relationship that I wanted between us takes two people, and there wasn't two people making an effort. It was only me, and with him I could never have the relationship I truly wanted.

 

I'm doing NC no matter how badly it hurts. Today I am in pain. It doesn't help that my mom just had hip surgery and she's crying from the pain and can't move and is basically disabled. My heart breaks for her and when I walk away I cry when shes not looking. When it rains, it truly pours.

 

I am trying to be strong and know that things will get better, I just have to push through and NOT give into contacting him EVER.

 

I'm glad my post helped you NOT want to contact and I'm glad to hear that even though you are heartbroken and it hurts and it's hard, you are sticking to your guns. I think you realize the person didn't deserve you and those quotes are great to look at, because they are true.

 

I wish you so much luck on your healing journey, youre a strong person, you can do this. <3

[singsparkles]

i totally understand you, and you are not psycho neither is there something wrong with you. breaking up with a person you love very much, regardless of their looks, job situation or anything else is like loosing someone to death. it will emotionally kill your balance and turn you into a person you are not, or want to be. it is not you, and you can try finding who you are. i am in the same situation, worse still my ex has a new girlfriend, tells everyone already he does, and although he had never met the girl (online relationship) he said he is open to marrying her already. yet he constantly texted me none stop all day and all night untill i would fall asleep. tried NC and he lasted 24hrs before calling me and asking is it really what i want. of course not, i want things to go back to the way they were. they wont. please try to see it this way, he has hurt you, you may never be able to trust him again and working things out will may end up in hurting you again in the long run. if he is capable of doing this once, he is likely to do this again. my ex and i have a house together and are in the midst of seperating all finances and stuff so nc is practically at this point impossible. i try, and it hurts but if i could i would remove him from my contact list, delete him from my life and feel sick for a while but i know it will not last and after a while i will feel better, our souls are stronger than we think. delete him from twitter, block his number, or never ever respond to his messages no matter what he says. my experience would be about a month of total pain and then it does get a bit better. seek therapy, talk to your friends and accept or try, the fact that there is no other way than going through the fire. you can not go around it but you will come out the other end stronger and more balanced. There is no cure, there is no magic potion other than time. dont be hard on yourself for behaving like you do, self hate may make things harder for you. how long have you been with your ex?

 

 

 

Michalzone,

I truly feel for you and your situation. I can't imagine how hard it would be to still live with someone while your heart is broken and you're trying to move on. My heart really goes out to you. Can I ask why you two are broken up or why you have broken up, if you don't mind me asking?

 

Thank you for truly understanding my situation. It feels good to have someone understand and say I'm not crazy for feeling all these feelings I feel. What's even more strange is we weren't even together that long, only 4 1/2 months but it felt like an eternity. We talked for almost a year online before we met so I had been talking to him for awhile. In the short amount of time we hungout, it felt as if i'd known him forever and he said the same thing. I think I fell in love with him the first day I met him. It was amazing. He showed me all around the city of Boston and held my hand and told me I was beautiful and showed me so many things I've never seen before, all the while talking about beautiful things and life. I was in awe of him to begin with and he charmed me completely. I fell in love real quick.

 

I totally agree with you. The horrible part about it is there truly is no cure for a broken heart, and me trying to work things out with him will only hurt me worse in the end, and I know this, but yet still it's so painful. I'm practically in tears writing this to you right now because my heart is basically ripped out of my chest. It hurts so much. It feels like someone dug a chain saw into it.

 

But I also know that no matter how much I'm hurting, talking to him won't make things any better, it will only dig out more hurt, so I truly need to stay NC for good this time, and never ever look back.

 

I hope you are able to do the same. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling. I think when you finally move away from living together you will then be able to TRULY do your healing. You deserve to be happy with someone who appreciates and deserves you. I don't know your whole situation, but you seem like a wonderful passionate person. I hope you do block his number and block him from every area in your life once you've cut all ties and I hope you heal and I wish you so much luck on your journey to healing.

 

If you do need someone to talk to, come on here or message me. I always feel like talking about my situation with people who are going through the same thing or have gone through the same thing is truly refreshing.

 

Thank you for your words of advice! I definitely am sticking to NC no matter how much pain I go through, I know it's the best thing for me to do!

[singsparkles]

I'm not going to go through the entire thread right now as it's hella late, and all I can think about is finishing this cigarette and then going to sleep, but I want to respond to this bit of the original post at the very least for now. Namely the "How do I stop this?" part.

 

You know the good ol' Five Stages of Grief? Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance? When he's telling you everything you want to hear in hopes to get you back, he's only in the Bargaining Stage.

 

If you want to TRULY have a chance with him, you need to wait until he's reached acceptance, which is to say when he comes to you, he won't be in a state of being overwhelmed by emotions. He may be emotional to an extent, but I'm sure if you look at how he's been behaving when telling you everything you wanted to hear, that it was "off" in comparison to his normal.

 

I wanted to give you this answer because this has been the case with my most-recent love. We were being platonic friends as of April. In July, I couldn't be her friend anymore (won't get into that story). And during all of July, I saw the first three steps (before I was consciously aware of what the stages of grief were).

 

First, she tried to deny it, and kept texting me as if we were still friends. I'd be nice, but wouldn't have any lengthy talks or meet her in person. Then the anger, as she couldn't understand why I was doing this. Then the bargaining. I told her we could be friends on one certain stipulation, and she bargained me RIGHT OUT of that deal. Told me exactly what I'd wanted to hear, without her doing the work required on her end to meet the stipulation that would make me feel truly comfortable.

 

Upon reflecting now (we're not friends AGAIN - once again, my decision), I realize that when she fought for my friendship and told me everything I'd wanted to hear, she wasn't truly done grieving. And since the grieving wasn't done, the emotional attachment wasn't lost. Which meant she was STILL in the mindset from the past. That's the critical point here, in both my situation and with yours.

 

If you want things to REALLY work out and have a TRUE reconciliation with him, he has to be able to come to you in a state where he can be emotionally HONEST without being emotionally AFFECTED. He should be able to TELL you how sad he is without being so sad that he's crying/begging/pleading/bargaining/etc.

 

That's how you stop this. Wait until he can come to you when he's in a point of acceptance. Deny his initial bargains. Make him keep going through his grieving, and allow yourself to do the same. Then you guys will be able to make sweet, sweet music together once again.

 

 

 

You're a guy so I really appreciate this post. My question is... do you truly think he is in pain by telling me he wants to be with me, then completely shutting me out? It's hard for me to believe he's in pain or even cares if he does that.

 

I agree, he definitely is in the bargaining stage but then his actions show completely different and otherwise, because he is very hot and cold. One day I am the perfect girl and he's never loved any woman more than me, and the next he sends very distant messages or ignores me completely. And this ignoring I'm talking about can go up to three weeks. It's absolutely ridiculous.

 

I know you're trying to kind of give him the benefit of the doubt and I respect that. I just don't think we will ever be able to make sweet, sweet music because I am a little too hurt right now and I don't think there's any going back. I think he's done enough damage to my heart and psyche to the point where I really don't want anything to do with him. I may cry every night and I may be in complete pain. My heart aches. But I still don't want to be with him and I definitely dont want to call him right now, as I know he would just ignore me or it would lead to another disappointment and I'd end up even hurt worse than before.

 

I know I seem pushy with him, but I believe if he truly loved me he wouldn't have put me through hell for 4 months trying to win him back. It's been 4 months of complete hell of me trying to gain his love back, and for what? I really don't even understand why I fought so hard anymore, because looking back, I was just an obsession to him. I was the girl he could tell all his friends that "he got" but he wanted no part of the actual relationship part. He's young and he'd rather be with his buddies. He never cared about my feelings or what I needed or wanted.

 

I definitely know he is not the guy for me and I don't want to prolong it any further or have any hope because that will only hurt me worse. I know he will never change or ever love me the way I want.

 

I'll wait for someone who appreciates and deserves me no matter how long it takes. I don't want to be desperate anymore. Desperation for love from the wrong person is just a horrible feeling.

[singsparkles]

He plays these games because you allow it. You are the common denominator in your relationships, as we all are. Ever heard the saying, "water seeks its own level?" I think he enjoys the control he can exert over you. I think he finds it amusing, and he has found someone (you) to play his games. Your self esteem is so battered and your boundaries so poor, that you actually, in your words, jump anytime he makes contact. You basically grovel to get his attention, and, when he pulls away, you go chasing him.

 

You said it's always on his terms, and he makes fun of you if you are upset. But you chase after this guy? It's not love. It's toxic. It's you wanting "love" at all costs. You know what to do. Block him, and stop devaluing yourself.

 

 

 

BC,

You are completely correct. I have allowed it and by doing so I have completely devalued myself, and it feels HORRIBLE. He definitely enjoys the control. Even when I tell him it's over and to stop talking to me, he'll ignore me for a couple weeks then prob send me a message again saying he misses me trying to lure me back in. It's completely INSANE! He doesn't pay attention to one word I say or care what I have to say or feel.

 

I know he is completely toxic. I blocked him in every which way and I can't say how I feel about it. I know it's for the best, but it hurts. I'm definitely going through a lot right now as my mom just had hip surgery and is home crying over her pain. She's basically disabled and I'm taking care of her, and it breaks my heart to see her in pain. So honestly, when it rains, it pours. I feel very alone right now which is leading me to feel even more heartbroken and lonely.

 

But I do know one thing for sure, he isn't going to make anything better by talking to him. He has only always made things worse, and I know his true colors now, and I know he will never change. It's ME who has to change my actions, and you are completely right.

 

I blocked him in every which way and I refuse to ever speak to him again. I need to heal and it's what I need to do to truly heal. I let go of all hope finally and I know I have a future ahead of me. One day I will meet a great guy. It may not be today or tomorrow, but I still have hope I will find one who's perfect for me some day.

 

Thank you for the lovely advice.

[singsparkles]

I think unfortunately, while we can all tell you NC is the best way forward, you simply don't have enough faith in it to commit fully. I have complete faith in NC because I know how painful the alternative is. It doesn't help that he is contacting you, but that doesn't mean you have no control over it.

 

You've linked how you are feeling to him and his actions, when he tells you what you want to hear he makes you happy. When he doesn't respond to you, he is making you unhappy. When you think this way you are preventing yourself from being in control of your own feelings. You should avoid idealising him, but you should also avoid blaming him for how you feel because regardless of what he is doing, you can still prevent him from doing it.

 

You can take control by blocking him, changing your number etc., you can choose not to have contact with him, you can choose to do the things that will make you feel better. It is down to you to make yourself happy, not him. And if you struggle with this don't blame yourself, it's difficult, it will be a hard for you, but you are human you'll make mistakes and you'll learn from them. Everybody on this site is here because they've struggled with a break up at some point in their life. It doesn't make you weak, or stupid, it makes you human.

 

Try reading about self esteem sometime, specifically the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic self esteem, you will learn a lot about yourself and why you feel so bad sometimes

 

 

 

Littleblacksubmarine,

You are completely correct. I do have control over it and I've had HORRIBLE will power. I know in my mind what I need to do and there's no going back. There's nothing that will make this relationship good, it's completely toxic. And I need to stay in NC and heal myself, no matter how much I have urges to contact him, I simply cannot do it because I know what it will lead to and it will NEVER be pretty, as I've learned.

 

You're completely right. All I've done is idealize him since the day I've met him, he's literally had full control of me for awhile now and it's so unhealthy. I need to get my control back and stop letting all my feelings depend on him because it's a horrible feeling to lean on someone for happiness. His manipulation is spectacular, it's sick. He's so great at it. He lures me into thinking he truly cares constantly just to let me down, and I keep falling for it. I've fallen way too many times, and now is the end. I can't do it anymore, and I refuse to.

 

Thank you for saying that. It feels good to know I'm not stupid or weak for being so vulnerable and heartbroken. I am human and I have to go through the stages of heartbreak to move on and heal, and it's going to be hard. It's been hard every day, but I know it will get easier if I just stay in NC with him. I can't go backwards because it will be LETHAL for me.

 

I will take your advice on reading about those two self esteems. I take any advice I can get and I love to learn new things. I definitely want to be more aware of myself and have more control over my emotions. I want to love myself again and not be so hard on myself. I need to heal and love myself more than ever right now and I'm on that journey and I'm trying.

Thank you for being there and your support! It means tons!

[BC1980]

BC,

You are completely correct. I have allowed it and by doing so I have completely devalued myself, and it feels HORRIBLE. He definitely enjoys the control. Even when I tell him it's over and to stop talking to me, he'll ignore me for a couple weeks then prob send me a message again saying he misses me trying to lure me back in. It's completely INSANE! He doesn't pay attention to one word I say or care what I have to say or feel.

 

I know he is completely toxic. I blocked him in every which way and I can't say how I feel about it. I know it's for the best, but it hurts. I'm definitely going through a lot right now as my mom just had hip surgery and is home crying over her pain. She's basically disabled and I'm taking care of her, and it breaks my heart to see her in pain. So honestly, when it rains, it pours. I feel very alone right now which is leading me to feel even more heartbroken and lonely.

 

But I do know one thing for sure, he isn't going to make anything better by talking to him. He has only always made things worse, and I know his true colors now, and I know he will never change. It's ME who has to change my actions, and you are completely right.

 

I blocked him in every which way and I refuse to ever speak to him again. I need to heal and it's what I need to do to truly heal. I let go of all hope finally and I know I have a future ahead of me. One day I will meet a great guy. It may not be today or tomorrow, but I still have hope I will find one who's perfect for me some day.

 

Thank you for the lovely advice.

 

You did the right thing. You can't talk with these people because they are toxic. You can't change them. They will never be who you want them to be. The only course of action is to completely remove them from your life. I had a hot/cold relationship for 2 years in college. He didn't treat me well and would disappear for months sometimes. Then, he would reappear, and I would go running the second he called me. It would be great for months, until he pulled the same act and decided he didn't want anything to do with me.

 

The only reason it ended was because I decided to move. When I graduated college, I was accepted to the grad school where I had gotten my bachelor's and another grad school about 2 hours away. I chose the school 2 hours away because I knew that I was so weak when it came to this guy. He was like a freaking addiction to me. I had to literally move myself physically to stop seeing him. I remember him calling me several months after I had moved to say he would be in town, and I had no urge to even see him. I could have cared less at that point, and I kinda laugh at myself now when I think back on it. Of course, back then, we didn't have FB or twitter, and people rarely texted like they do now. This was about 12 years ago

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, your pain is palpable. I'm truly sorry to hear all of this, especially the updates. This guy has jerked you around so much it's unbelievable and you certainly deserve far better.

 

My honest thoughts - and this will be difficult to hear - is that he runs back to you when other girls aren't answering his calls or already have plans. I think he knows you'll respond to him, so he turns to you when the first sources of validation aren't there in that moment. I don't think he's in pain. I believe he's the type of guy who always needs a girl to want him, and he knows where to find that ego boost. I'm so glad to hear you've blocked him. Keep it that way and continue on your path to healing. It will get better!

[singsparkles]

You did the right thing. You can't talk with these people because they are toxic. You can't change them. They will never be who you want them to be. The only course of action is to completely remove them from your life. I had a hot/cold relationship for 2 years in college. He didn't treat me well and would disappear for months sometimes. Then, he would reappear, and I would go running the second he called me. It would be great for months, until he pulled the same act and decided he didn't want anything to do with me.

 

The only reason it ended was because I decided to move. When I graduated college, I was accepted to the grad school where I had gotten my bachelor's and another grad school about 2 hours away. I chose the school 2 hours away because I knew that I was so weak when it came to this guy. He was like a freaking addiction to me. I had to literally move myself physically to stop seeing him. I remember him calling me several months after I had moved to say he would be in town, and I had no urge to even see him. I could have cared less at that point, and I kinda laugh at myself now when I think back on it. Of course, back then, we didn't have FB or twitter, and people rarely texted like they do now. This was about 12 years ago

 

 

BC,

Wow. It seems like you went through the exact thing I'm going through! I guess the moral of your story is the only way to get rid of them is to truly do NC even when they contact you. He contacted you, as I'm sure this guy will try and contact me... but you're right, back then there was no Twitter or FB of text messaging. I literally blocked him from my IPhone because it's a new feature they carry... so even if he was to send me a text or call, I wouldn't receive it. And I think it's much better this way. I'm glad you got out of the relationship and you can laugh about it today. I truly think thats what is going to happen to me eventually... in given time. I just need to go through the pain.

[singsparkles]

OP, your pain is palpable. I'm truly sorry to hear all of this, especially the updates. This guy has jerked you around so much it's unbelievable and you certainly deserve far better.

 

My honest thoughts - and this will be difficult to hear - is that he runs back to you when other girls aren't answering his calls or already have plans. I think he knows you'll respond to him, so he turns to you when the first sources of validation aren't there in that moment. I don't think he's in pain. I believe he's the type of guy who always needs a girl to want him, and he knows where to find that ego boost. I'm so glad to hear you've blocked him. Keep it that way and continue on your path to healing. It will get better!

 

 

 

As much as it hurt to hear what you said, you are probably right, although it eats away at my heart, I can't lie. Thinking of it makes me feel sick and unworthy which is horrible. But you are most likely correct; he probably has many other girls and when they're not around that's when he calls me. That just makes me want to move on even more to be honest. I'm the type who has never settled to be second best and I never will and I never intend to. That's the worst thing I can to do myself.

 

I definitely will keep NC and continue on my path to healing. Tonight I am feeling so ****ty, but I still have NO want or desire to contact him which is great. I just feel lonely... hoping the loneliness subsides soon.

 

Thank you for your care and support!

[Boomshine]

You're a guy so I really appreciate this post. My question is... do you truly think he is in pain by telling me he wants to be with me, then completely shutting me out? It's hard for me to believe he's in pain or even cares if he does that.

 

Of course he's in pain. Desperation is pain, and he showed that by bargaining. And if he wasn't in pain, he wouldn't have to shut you out entirely. If he were indifferent, then it'd be no big deal to him.

 

I agree, he definitely is in the bargaining stage but then his actions show completely different and otherwise, because he is very hot and cold. One day I am the perfect girl and he's never loved any woman more than me, and the next he sends very distant messages or ignores me completely. And this ignoring I'm talking about can go up to three weeks. It's absolutely ridiculous.

 

I know you're trying to kind of give him the benefit of the doubt and I respect that. I just don't think we will ever be able to make sweet, sweet music because I am a little too hurt right now and I don't think there's any going back. I think he's done enough damage to my heart and psyche to the point where I really don't want anything to do with him. I may cry every night and I may be in complete pain. My heart aches. But I still don't want to be with him and I definitely dont want to call him right now, as I know he would just ignore me or it would lead to another disappointment and I'd end up even hurt worse than before.

 

Emphasis on "too hurt RIGHT NOW." You have NO idea how you'll feel about ANYTHING in 1 week, 1 month, 6 months, 2 years, etc... The future is unpredictable. Feelings DEFINITELY change over time. If this is what you feel right now though, that's totally valid, and that's what you should work with. And I agree, you should NOT call him right now. You should give both of you an opportunity to escape the negative emotions you're BOTH feeling, and then evaluate things from there. Whether that's something you want to pursue again or not. You may still feel like it's a dead end after 1 or 2 months, and if that's the case, then so be it.

 

I'm not giving him any benefit of the doubt though. I'm trying to approach this situation with absolute, sincere empathy for both sides. I don't buy into the idea that too many people will pass along that he's doing this intentionally to toy with you or anything. Just because he's upset does NOT automatically mean that he's going to do everything he can to get under your skin. I honestly believe he's just confused (for lack of a better term), and needs some time to sort himself out. As do you as well.

 

I know I seem pushy with him, but I believe if he truly loved me he wouldn't have put me through hell for 4 months trying to win him back. It's been 4 months of complete hell of me trying to gain his love back, and for what? I really don't even understand why I fought so hard anymore, because looking back, I was just an obsession to him. I was the girl he could tell all his friends that "he got" but he wanted no part of the actual relationship part. He's young and he'd rather be with his buddies. He never cared about my feelings or what I needed or wanted.

 

If you had to fight hard, you were doing way too much. You simply need to have interactions feel good for him. Ignoring the BS from the past, and just having fun and creating a good connection with him in the current. And then let love do its work on its own. It can happen, but it can't be forced.

 

But if what you're saying in the second half of the paragraph is true, and not just an emotional interpretation of the past based on your emotions in the current moment, then I'd say he definitely has some growing up to do.

 

I definitely know he is not the guy for me and I don't want to prolong it any further or have any hope because that will only hurt me worse. I know he will never change or ever love me the way I want.

 

I'll wait for someone who appreciates and deserves me no matter how long it takes. I don't want to be desperate anymore. Desperation for love from the wrong person is just a horrible feeling.

 

Do what you have to do. If any situation were possibly to change, you could always course-correct later. So do what's best for you in this moment, and go your path. Your answers will come soon enough.

[singsparkles]

Of course he's in pain. Desperation is pain, and he showed that by bargaining. And if he wasn't in pain, he wouldn't have to shut you out entirely. If he were indifferent, then it'd be no big deal to him.

 

 

 

Emphasis on "too hurt RIGHT NOW." You have NO idea how you'll feel about ANYTHING in 1 week, 1 month, 6 months, 2 years, etc... The future is unpredictable. Feelings DEFINITELY change over time. If this is what you feel right now though, that's totally valid, and that's what you should work with. And I agree, you should NOT call him right now. You should give both of you an opportunity to escape the negative emotions you're BOTH feeling, and then evaluate things from there. Whether that's something you want to pursue again or not. You may still feel like it's a dead end after 1 or 2 months, and if that's the case, then so be it.

 

I'm not giving him any benefit of the doubt though. I'm trying to approach this situation with absolute, sincere empathy for both sides. I don't buy into the idea that too many people will pass along that he's doing this intentionally to toy with you or anything. Just because he's upset does NOT automatically mean that he's going to do everything he can to get under your skin. I honestly believe he's just confused (for lack of a better term), and needs some time to sort himself out. As do you as well.

 

 

 

If you had to fight hard, you were doing way too much. You simply need to have interactions feel good for him. Ignoring the BS from the past, and just having fun and creating a good connection with him in the current. And then let love do its work on its own. It can happen, but it can't be forced.

 

But if what you're saying in the second half of the paragraph is true, and not just an emotional interpretation of the past based on your emotions in the current moment, then I'd say he definitely has some growing up to do.

 

 

 

Do what you have to do. If any situation were possibly to change, you could always course-correct later. So do what's best for you in this moment, and go your path. Your answers will come soon enough.

 

 

 

Thank you for your advice. Once again, I love hearing it from you since you are a guy and have been in this situation and have possibly been exactly who my ex is. I agree. I don't know how I feel. But I do know right now I want nothing to do with him and I have a strong feeling it won't change... just for the pure fact that I feel he's very emotionally immature.

 

You're right. He may be in pain and may very well care, as he's said to me he hasn't felt the way he does about me about anyone else. And last week when we got into an argument he said, "You know how I feel about you, but you always downplay it" ... but then I responded to him, "Actually, no I don't know how u feel about me because you're always ignoring me and disappearing"

 

It could possibly be that we both care about eachother, but maybe our personalities are just too different and opposite to ever come to an understanding. And that's kind of how I feel and where I'm at right now.

 

I just don't think he understands or sympathizes with my feelings because he doesn't understand them, and vice versa. I'm not a saint.

 

Maybe there is such thing as two people loving eachother, but just being totally wrong for eachother. And this may be the case.

 

In the meantime, I'm definitely focused on moving on and if I find a great guy I am definitely taking the chance.

 

I appreciate your advice.

[Eighty_nine]

OP, I'm so sorry this guy turned out to be such a loser and an *******. I'm just about a month out of a similar experience- being totally manipulated to get the attention and sex that he wanted, him dropping me, him missing me and the cycle starting all over again. It is hellish! I've been totally NC for three weeks and I still miss him, but def feel better than week one, for example. We've been broken up for about a month and a half (I ended it bc of his horrible games), and all I focus on is time, time, time. And think about how great I'll feel with 3 months of NC. I too got a little "crazy" although I don't believe in that phrase in these circumstances bc these men behave so deplorably that it's hard to control our immediate reactions! But your last text was a good one, let it stand as that and ignore any messages you get from this scumbag.

[singsparkles]

OP, I'm so sorry this guy turned out to be such a loser and an *******. I'm just about a month out of a similar experience- being totally manipulated to get the attention and sex that he wanted, him dropping me, him missing me and the cycle starting all over again. It is hellish! I've been totally NC for three weeks and I still miss him, but def feel better than week one, for example. We've been broken up for about a month and a half (I ended it bc of his horrible games), and all I focus on is time, time, time. And think about how great I'll feel with 3 months of NC. I too got a little "crazy" although I don't believe in that phrase in these circumstances bc these men behave so deplorably that it's hard to control our immediate reactions! But your last text was a good one, let it stand as that and ignore any messages you get from this scumbag.

 

Lissvarna,

I'm so sad to hear you're going through the same thing, it IS hell-ish, but I'm also so happy to hear you've been three weeks NC and although it still is hard you're looking forward to the end result. That is exactly what I am trying to focus on. Right now I've truly only been about 4 days NC and it seems harder than ever. My mind keeps wondering if I did the right thing by freaking out... cause I think, maybe he'd still be talking to me. But everyone I talk to who is in my life says I did the right thing. No matter where things were going to go with us, he would always be the same person. The INCONSISTENCY would ALWAYS be there, and I would ALWAYS freak out.

 

I think he manipulated me in A LOT of ways and wanted be to be OKAY with his inconsistency, and I wasn't, and I think it definitely got to him that I didn't wanna settle for less, and I still refuse to. He's a jerk who truly doesn't give a crap about any of my feelings, opinions, wants or needs. He only cares about what HE'S GETTING out of the relationship and if HE'S HAPPY and if I act in a way that'll make HIM HAPPY. I know that's not love; that;s power and manipulation and I have to run away fast.

 

As you said you went through horrible mind games with your ex... I truly hate the games. I want something/someone I can trust. And the games just keep making it harder to trust someone. I believe that even if these guys begged for us back and we ran back into their arms, we would deal with the games again and end up hurt, even worse than before.

 

I really am focusing on being happy again and truly staying NC. I really want to move on from this dude once and for all. I know he doesn't deserve me.

 

He may not be a horrible person and may not have the WORST intentions, but the person he is is just NOT for me and I belong with someone COMPLETELY opposite who cares about me and my feelings, who is consistent and will make me feel trust.

 

That's a good way of thinking of it, and thank you. I have thought I've been acting crazy for a long time,but maybe it is truly just our immediate reaction to men like this, and us acting like this is a sign we should run away very fast, because it isn't us, and it takes us out of our natural character. We become something we're not and slowly feel ourselves change because of the affect they have on us.

 

I want myself back, and I want my pride and everyting else back that I gave to him. I'm taking it back, but also forgiving him so he doesn't have any power over me.

 

I don't want to be upset anymore. I want to see it for what it is, no matter how badly it hurts. He's just an idiot who doesnt deserve my love and attention.

 

I know right now I feel okay, but I'll have PLENTY of nights when I feel like I borderline want to die and miss him so much I'll want to call him, but Ill have to refrain. I have a long road ahead of me and I'm sure you do too.

 

I really hope you stay NC and know that idiot isn't worth any of your time and affection! You should be proud you've made it 3 weeks and don't break it. With time, I know we will feel so much better. EVERYTHING gets better with time. And eventually we will both find men that DESERVE us and everything we have to give.

 

xoxo

[Boomshine]

Thank you for your advice. Once again, I love hearing it from you since you are a guy and have been in this situation and have possibly been exactly who my ex is. I agree. I don't know how I feel. But I do know right now I want nothing to do with him and I have a strong feeling it won't change... just for the pure fact that I feel he's very emotionally immature.

 

I've been in your situation more so than his, but at the same time, I've been a relationship coach for the last two years now, so I have a lot of practice under my belt with helping others cope through their breakups as well. And the BIGGEST key I've found to truly being able to accept a situation is to have empathy for the other person's feelings and perceptions. I believe if I can help you achieve that, that you'll be perfectly fine with just letting him go off and do his thing, and possibly come back around toward you in the future.

 

You're right. He may be in pain and may very well care, as he's said to me he hasn't felt the way he does about me about anyone else. And last week when we got into an argument he said, "You know how I feel about you, but you always downplay it" ... but then I responded to him, "Actually, no I don't know how u feel about me because you're always ignoring me and disappearing"

 

It could possibly be that we both care about eachother, but maybe our personalities are just too different and opposite to ever come to an understanding. And that's kind of how I feel and where I'm at right now.

By responding how you did "you're always ignoring me and disappearing," you didn't show him any empathy or understanding. You two will never be able to be on the same page if you can't see through each other's eyes. That's something you can work on later though, after you get yourself some emotional detachment from him, and if you decide later that's something you want. And obviously, he'll have to do the same as well.

 

I just don't think he understands or sympathizes with my feelings because he doesn't understand them, and vice versa. I'm not a saint.

 

Maybe there is such thing as two people loving eachother, but just being totally wrong for eachother. And this may be the case.

 

In the meantime, I'm definitely focused on moving on and if I find a great guy I am definitely taking the chance.

 

I appreciate your advice.

Totally wrong? I disagree with that. If you were totally wrong for each other, it would have never made it to this point in the first place. But if you two take some time apart, and later on, he swings back around (NOT during bargaining, but after gaining acceptance), there is a possibility to work things out. If you two are willing to actually sit down and empathize with each other, and for both of you to have acceptance, awareness, and communication.

 

In the meantime, I'm going to agree absolutely with what you said. If you find a great guy, you absolutely SHOULD take the chance. Give yourself an opportunity at the very least to practice having a better relationship. Even if it may not ultimately go somewhere, you can put what you've learned into practice and become better at your relationship skills!

 

I'm very much an advocate of being open to ALL possibilities, new or previously-explored.

 

In the meantime, tons of great music!

Edited October 1, 2014 by Boomshine

[Eighty_nine]

^ should she really show him empathy and understanding for disappearing and ignoring her? Not sure I agree with that. That's unacceptable behavior.

[BC1980]

I've been in your situation more so than his, but at the same time, I've been a relationship coach for the last two years now, so I have a lot of practice under my belt with helping others cope through their breakups as well. And the BIGGEST key I've found to truly being able to accept a situation is to have empathy for the other person's feelings and perceptions. I believe if I can help you achieve that, that you'll be perfectly fine with just letting him go off and do his thing, and possibly come back around toward you in the future.

 

By responding how you did "you're always ignoring me and disappearing," you didn't show him any empathy or understanding. You two will never be able to be on the same page if you can't see through each other's eyes. That's something you can work on later though, after you get yourself some emotional detachment from him, and if you decide later that's something you want. And obviously, he'll have to do the same as well.

 

Totally wrong? I disagree with that. If you were totally wrong for each other, it would have never made it to this point in the first place.

 

Have you read her description of him in this thread? She bends over backwards to see it his way, and he takes advantage of her. That's the constant theme. Yes, many dysfunctional relationships make it much longer than this one, and the parties involved are very wrong for each other.

 

This poster has poor boundaries and low self-esteem, and she has allowed her ex to walk all over her. She has repeatedly tried to be accepting of his actions, but he has not proven he wants to meet her halfway. She needs to cut him out of her life forever because he is, in no way, willing to work on a relationship with her.

[Boomshine]

^ should she really show him empathy and understanding for disappearing and ignoring her? Not sure I agree with that. That's unacceptable behavior.

 

Have you read her description of him in this thread? She bends over backwards to see it his way, and he takes advantage of her. That's the constant theme. Yes, many dysfunctional relationships make it much longer than this one, and the parties involved are very wrong for each other.

 

This poster has poor boundaries and low self-esteem, and she has allowed her ex to walk all over her. She has repeatedly tried to be accepting of his actions, but he has not proven he wants to meet her halfway. She needs to cut him out of her life forever because he is, in no way, willing to work on a relationship with her.

 

It's not about his behavior. It's about understanding his feelings behind his behavior. If she can understand where he's coming FROM, it will put her mind at ease with the **** he's doing. I'm not saying empathy will create a sense of excusing his behavior. I agree that the way he's acting is ridiculous. But even with it being unacceptable, you can still understand WHY things are the way they are.

 

Long story short, it's not about accepting his actions. It's about accepting his feelings.

 

EDIT: Also, I will note, that I said "If you two are willing to actually sit down and empathize with each other, and for both of you to have acceptance, awareness, and communication." As in, it has to be coming from BOTH sides. And as you two have more or less so eloquently stated, HIS side of things isn't willing to work on that (currently). You can't say that will be the case forever though. Nor can you state any sort of likelihood or probability.

 

So, walk away FOREVER? Not necessarily. Evaluate as needed as time goes on. But walk away for NOW? Absolutely, without a doubt. Let him learn how to play with others better before bothering.

Edited October 2, 2014 by Boomshine
Added more to my post

[singsparkles]

Have you read her description of him in this thread? She bends over backwards to see it his way, and he takes advantage of her. That's the constant theme. Yes, many dysfunctional relationships make it much longer than this one, and the parties involved are very wrong for each other.

 

This poster has poor boundaries and low self-esteem, and she has allowed her ex to walk all over her. She has repeatedly tried to be accepting of his actions, but he has not proven he wants to meet her halfway. She needs to cut him out of her life forever because he is, in no way, willing to work on a relationship with her.

 

 

 

BC,

That's exactly how I feel. And even since this thread, he's only gotten worse. He said he wanted to work things out, then totally disappeared on me, and I broke down one night because my mother just had hip surgery and is in so much pain she cries herself to sleep, stupid me texted him asking him to emotionally be there for me... and guess what I heard? Crickets... but he did decide to tweet 10 mins later and say "I don't be trusting these ho*s, I just be smashing these h*es" ... So that was definitely my last answer that I needed. I haven't been in contact with him. As you stated, I have bended over backwards for him, all the while losing my pride while doing so and have gotten nothing in return. He comes around once every 2-3 weeks saying he misses me and wants to see me, when it's right for him, then completely ignores me. He also goes into deep convo and says "we can work this out. I have faith in us" and tells me all the right things, then the next day he's a completely different person. It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

 

I've definitely come to accept NC is the only thing for me to do and I'm moving on. There's nothing left to this relationship but toxic mess. He wants to hurt me and ruin me on purpose and finds glory in it when I tell him how much he hurts me. His ego has inflated about a million times since when I first met him. When I first met him, he was a vulnerable, sweet, nice guy, or atleast played the part. I would never fall for the person he is today if I met him today. It's definitely done and not worth looking back at.

 

I understand where BoomShine is coming from saying everyone has reasons why they act or do certain things and no ones perfect. And yes, my ex MAY be in pain, but that doesn't take away from the fact that he's an arrogant jerk. So all in all, I'm choosing NC and keeping it this way. I'm much happier when he's not around to bring me down.

 

 

Thank you all for your support and advice. <3