Ex is so hot and cold, rougher tonight/in more pain than usual (Updated)

[me85]

Couldn't be happier to read your last post. Your ex is an immature arrogant jerk for sure. Your life is about to get loads better now that you have decided to move on and end all contact with him.

 

Sorry to hear about your mother but helping her is going to help you as well. Dive into any and everything to keep your mind off your ex.

 

Best wishes!

J

[singsparkles]

Couldn't be happier to read your last post. Your ex is an immature arrogant jerk for sure. Your life is about to get loads better now that you have decided to move on and end all contact with him.

 

Sorry to hear about your mother but helping her is going to help you as well. Dive into any and everything to keep your mind off your ex.

 

Best wishes!

J

 

 

 

Me85,

You are so completely right. He is a complete jerk, and I try to keep that thought in the back of my mind every time I think of him. He really truly doesn't care. I am trying to keep as busy as I can, especially with my mom being out of surgery I'm taking care of her.

 

The weekends are truly the worst. Tonight is going to suck because I know I'm going to wonder where he is and what he's doing, and think of all the weekends we spent together and how much fun we had. I know times are not going to be easy and there's going to be many times I contemplate on contacting him, but I refuse. I know it'll get easier the more I stick with it. Contacting him would only make things worse.

 

Thank you for your support <3

 

Lots of hugs!!!

xxxx

[Eighty_nine]

The weekends are truly the worst. Tonight is going to suck because I know I'm going to wonder where he is and what he's doing.

 

 

yep. i can completely relate.

[me85]

Me85,

You are so completely right. He is a complete jerk, and I try to keep that thought in the back of my mind every time I think of him. He really truly doesn't care. I am trying to keep as busy as I can, especially with my mom being out of surgery I'm taking care of her.

 

The weekends are truly the worst. Tonight is going to suck because I know I'm going to wonder where he is and what he's doing, and think of all the weekends we spent together and how much fun we had. I know times are not going to be easy and there's going to be many times I contemplate on contacting him, but I refuse. I know it'll get easier the more I stick with it. Contacting him would only make things worse.

 

Thank you for your support <3

 

Lots of hugs!!!

xxxx

 

You're most welcome!

 

BUT ... Sparkles!!! You cannot pre-determine how you're going to think and feel in the future. You thinking that way proves every point I've ever made about how one can master their thoughts and that happiness is a choice.

 

You're mastering your thoughts right now...but in a negative way. )=

 

If you won't be with your mother tonight then maybe spend time with a friend or other family member. If that's not an option, go rent a good flick or maybe even go to the movies alone. I'm the type of person who can go do anything by myself and it doesn't bother me. Not everyone is like that though. So if you don't like flying solo when you get out of the house then stay in and chit chat with us online (I'm sure I'll be on here again tonight lol) play some tunes, dance around (heck, dance around naked if ya want to) paint your toenails, cook something scrumptious, organize something...

 

We always build the weekends up to be this extremely vital time after a BU. I remember a guy friend once told me to only keep track of whether or not my ex contacted me during the weekends. He said, "because mon-friday don't matter" which made total sense to me at the time but after a while you don't even care! I know right now you still care, so that's why you have to work hard to take your mind off of it. If you've been going through the hurt for more than a month now then it's time to put a plan into action! Like drinking beer and watching funny movies! (=

 

Stay sweet!

Edited October 3, 2014 by me85

[leoc1973]

I don't trust these ho's? I just smash these ho's? Seriously?

 

At first as I was reading this thread I was thinking of this guy as me when I was younger. When I was younger it's not that I didn't care about my girlfriend I just would have rather hung out with the guys and I always knew that I could patch things up with her later if I wanted to.

 

From my perspective my girlfriend at the time was pissed off, I didn't realize what I was doing was actually hurting her. I looked at her as this pissed off witch that just wanted to keep me from going out with the guys. It wasn't until years later that I realized how much I actually hurt her. I know I was a total jerk but I didn't intend on being that way.

 

I always tell people that in a younger guy, the consequence part of the brain isn't developed yet. I think it isn't until around 25 or 26ish. Google it if you want. A young man just cannot put 2 and 2 together and realize the cause and effect in certain situations.

 

But this guy... wtf! I was going to give the speech on how not to totally blame him because he simply doesn't realize the damage he is doing. But I am going to tell you. He does not even look at women as human beings. This guy has some kind of damage from way back where to him women are just pieces of ass. It would be best if you never talk to him again and you seem pretty well written and intelligent so you must realize everything out of his mouth is just to manipulate and get women in bed. If he is an ugly guy and he is talking like he does then he must be a master manipulator. He throws the generic "I just never felt this way" crap in the conversation. How many women has he told that? ugh...

 

From your picture and the way you write you look really pretty and seem really smart. There is a shortage of women like you out there and you really need to know that you have the power.

 

Go to the gym, even if you don't wanna work out. Go and play dumb and there will be tons of guys there that try to pick you up. Flirt, smile, let them help you. Especially a girl alone at the gym. Guys will be all over you. Go on a ton of dates and play hard to get with all of them until you find that one guy that gives you butterflies. Trust me! Whatever this relationship is, is garbage. Find the right guy and you will know what real love feels like. Not this douche!

 

Good luck and just from the way you thank everyone for posting you seem really sweet. I hope you find a guy that blows you away. You seem like one of the good ones.

[singsparkles]

yep. i can completely relate.

 

 

 

Lissvarna,

How are you holding up tonight? I know the weekends are the worst as our minds spin faster than usual and start wandering. I hope you're holding up well and keeping your mind busy and not thinking so much. I hope you're enjoying your Friday night! Stay strong!!!! Our strength will all be worth it in the end!

 

xxxx

[singsparkles]

You're most welcome!

 

BUT ... Sparkles!!! You cannot pre-determine how you're going to think and feel in the future. You thinking that way proves every point I've ever made about how one can master their thoughts and that happiness is a choice.

 

You're mastering your thoughts right now...but in a negative way. )=

 

If you won't be with your mother tonight then maybe spend time with a friend or other family member. If that's not an option, go rent a good flick or maybe even go to the movies alone. I'm the type of person who can go do anything by myself and it doesn't bother me. Not everyone is like that though. So if you don't like flying solo when you get out of the house then stay in and chit chat with us online (I'm sure I'll be on here again tonight lol) play some tunes, dance around (heck, dance around naked if ya want to) paint your toenails, cook something scrumptious, organize something...

 

We always build the weekends up to be this extremely vital time after a BU. I remember a guy friend once told me to only keep track of whether or not my ex contacted me during the weekends. He said, "because mon-friday don't matter" which made total sense to me at the time but after a while you don't even care! I know right now you still care, so that's why you have to work hard to take your mind off of it. If you've been going through the hurt for more than a month now then it's time to put a plan into action! Like drinking beer and watching funny movies! (=

 

Stay sweet!

 

 

 

Me85,

I totally agree with you. Happiness is a choice, and I choose happiness. It's just that I know I'm going to have struggles, it's normal with every break up. I think everyone has to go through ups and downs to get to their end of the rainbow again. And weekends just happen to be my weakness. But that's definitely no excuse to go contacting him, or answering his calls if he attemps to contact me. I do know better and do know there is nothing left to this relationship and the outcome is ALWAYS the same every time I do reply, so there really is no use.

 

I've actually been taking care of my mom, listening to music and watching different movies on Netflix to keep busy. I even took a bubble bath which made me feel so good, and put a facemask on. Ive been pampering myself and it feels nice.

 

I know he doesn't deserve my love and affection. I am definitely taking your advice and not in any way overriding it. I'm just stating that some nights its harder...but I also know the more I push through, the more I will be okay in time. I know my adamantness in not contacting him or replying will truly help me heal and I'll be able to open my heart to someone so much better when they come along.

 

Thank you for being there I really hope you're coping okay as well and enjoying your Friday night!!

xxxx

[singsparkles]

I don't trust these ho's? I just smash these ho's? Seriously?

 

At first as I was reading this thread I was thinking of this guy as me when I was younger. When I was younger it's not that I didn't care about my girlfriend I just would have rather hung out with the guys and I always knew that I could patch things up with her later if I wanted to.

 

From my perspective my girlfriend at the time was pissed off, I didn't realize what I was doing was actually hurting her. I looked at her as this pissed off witch that just wanted to keep me from going out with the guys. It wasn't until years later that I realized how much I actually hurt her. I know I was a total jerk but I didn't intend on being that way.

 

I always tell people that in a younger guy, the consequence part of the brain isn't developed yet. I think it isn't until around 25 or 26ish. Google it if you want. A young man just cannot put 2 and 2 together and realize the cause and effect in certain situations.

 

But this guy... wtf! I was going to give the speech on how not to totally blame him because he simply doesn't realize the damage he is doing. But I am going to tell you. He does not even look at women as human beings. This guy has some kind of damage from way back where to him women are just pieces of ass. It would be best if you never talk to him again and you seem pretty well written and intelligent so you must realize everything out of his mouth is just to manipulate and get women in bed. If he is an ugly guy and he is talking like he does then he must be a master manipulator. He throws the generic "I just never felt this way" crap in the conversation. How many women has he told that? ugh...

 

From your picture and the way you write you look really pretty and seem really smart. There is a shortage of women like you out there and you really need to know that you have the power.

 

Go to the gym, even if you don't wanna work out. Go and play dumb and there will be tons of guys there that try to pick you up. Flirt, smile, let them help you. Especially a girl alone at the gym. Guys will be all over you. Go on a ton of dates and play hard to get with all of them until you find that one guy that gives you butterflies. Trust me! Whatever this relationship is, is garbage. Find the right guy and you will know what real love feels like. Not this douche!

 

Good luck and just from the way you thank everyone for posting you seem really sweet. I hope you find a guy that blows you away. You seem like one of the good ones.

 

 

 

leoc1973,

First off, I'd really like to thank you for all the wonderful compliments. They truly made my night. It means a lot to hear that once in awhile! And I truly agree with EVERYTHING you said.

 

To be honest with you, in the beginning, I was definitely giving him the benefit of the doubt as well. I am 25, he is 21... and I always thought maybe he was just a "guys guy" and just wanted time to himself, and so I tried to understand... but I guess as time went by, he would disappear on me for nights straight and then come up with the most bizarre excuses and then tell me how much he couldn't live without me. It was the weirdest thing I've ever dealt with.

 

The only reason I kept going back to him was for the way he made me feel when we were together. He acted like he always wanted to show me off to the world. The first night I met him I met 28 of his guy friends in one night and had so much fun. He held my hand everywhere we went, told me I was beautiful and kissed me every other 5 mins, it was almost to the point of TOO MUCH PDA. But in a way, I liked it. He also showed me the whole city of Boston and we shopped and went everywhere and I experienced so much fun with him. I don't think I've ever experienced what I experienced with him with anyone else.

 

He was also very possessive of me. He got into a fight with one of his guy friends one night at the bar because his guy friend kept calling me an "exotic looking white girl" and saying how beautiful I was, right IN FRONT OF HIS FACE, which I felt HORRIBLE about... but it wasn't my fault. It was all his friend, and I don't think a true friend would do that to his buddies' girl. He ended up kicking that dude out of the car and making him walk miles home that night and screaming at him, "shes my girl, not yours, back off" It was pretty nuts.

 

My friend seems to think he may have been into drugs because one day at the beach he was holding my hand and kissing me and knodding off, but naive me didn't think anything of it. I truly don't think he does drugs, personally, I think he was just tired... but with his wacky behavior, it could possibly be true.

 

To be honest, when I DO talk to him, he confesses how much he's never felt for any girl how he's felt for me and it scares him. He also has big time insecurity issues, as he thought I was going to cheat on him with every one of his friends just because THEY would flirt with ME. I wish he had more confidence. But then he's a contradiction, because then he turns around and acts like an arrogant a**hole.

 

And the weirder thing is, he tweets SO uneducated, but yet in person and in message, he is the most educated and intelligent person you could ever seem to meet. He even writes better than I do sometimes. But I wonder if thats just a front, especially by looking at his tweets. His tweets are seriously horribly embarrassing!!

 

I personally don't think he realizes how much he's hurting me... but that still doesn't take away from the fact that he's a complete uncompassionate, heartless, douchebag.

 

Like you said, you were young and may have hurt girls feelings but would never go out of your way to destroy their heart. And you had respect for women, even then, it seems.

 

This kid truly has zero respect for women, and I wonder if his mother being away from him for too long has something to do with it. His father lives in Canada and his mother lives in Somalia and he basically lives on his own with no relatives and hasn't had an easy life.

 

But I can't let his circumstances stop me from knowing what I deserve... and I don't deserve how hes treated me. I've gone through hell and back.

 

I agree with you... I'm definitely going to start dating again. I was actually asked for my number by a guy at the gym today and gave it to him for the hell of it. I also have been talking to another guy who lives a town over that I've known since 2007 and used to see him at parties all the time after I graduated highschool and he was always so quiet and me and my best friends were the crazy ones dancing and being loud. I never thought for a second this guy ever thought twice of me, and he recently messaged me asking me out on a date. It really made me happy.

 

I agree with you I'm just going to flirt around and date and eventually I know I'll find the right one. It just all takes time. And it may take awhile, but I know I'll find what I'm looking for someday. I'd like to think I'm a good catch. I treat everyone nicely (maybe too nicely) and would do anything for someone I love. I'm very, very selfless. And I hope to find someone similar to me someday.

 

I'm always attracted to the opposite of me... and I was told today, "opposite personalities are okay, as long as your morals and values are the same" ... which in this case, obviously his and I's morals and values did not match up at all.

 

Definitely moving on and continuing NC!

 

Thanks so much for the advice, you're very sweet

Hugs!!! Hope you're enjoying your Friday night!

xxx

[me85]

Me85,

I totally agree with you. Happiness is a choice, and I choose happiness. It's just that I know I'm going to have struggles, it's normal with every break up. I think everyone has to go through ups and downs to get to their end of the rainbow again. And weekends just happen to be my weakness. But that's definitely no excuse to go contacting him, or answering his calls if he attemps to contact me. I do know better and do know there is nothing left to this relationship and the outcome is ALWAYS the same every time I do reply, so there really is no use.

 

I've actually been taking care of my mom, listening to music and watching different movies on Netflix to keep busy. I even took a bubble bath which made me feel so good, and put a facemask on. Ive been pampering myself and it feels nice.

 

I know he doesn't deserve my love and affection. I am definitely taking your advice and not in any way overriding it. I'm just stating that some nights its harder...but I also know the more I push through, the more I will be okay in time. I know my adamantness in not contacting him or replying will truly help me heal and I'll be able to open my heart to someone so much better when they come along.

 

Thank you for being there I really hope you're coping okay as well and enjoying your Friday night!!

xxxx

 

Believe me, I completely understand and am in no way trying to make you feel bad for being sad. It's expected and completely normal. Especially in the beginning.

 

Thank you doll, but I've been out of the coping stage for quite a while now. I had an AWESOME Friday and Saturday. (= I hope you had an alright weekend!!! And it seems you're starting to feel better from your post in the "post here instead of contacting your ex" thread. That's great news! Keep it up girl!

[Fran23]

Hi Sparkles. Just wanted to give my two cents to you. What I am about to say could apply to so many threads on this forum it is scary. I did not read the entire thing, just a few pages were enough to get the gist. What I do not understand is how perfectly nice people seem to get addicted to people that are obviously treating them like dirt. I am probably not going to say anything new here but from what I see you are very pretty and reading your responses on other threads you are obviously very compassionate too. The addiction in my opinion is pure ego (and I am not calling you an egoist, all people have egos) and has very little to do with the guy and everything to do with the fact that you can not have him. You may see him through a prism allowing you to rationalize all wringdoing in your brain or he may even be a totally different person than the one you imagined him to be when you fell for him. This isn't love, it is infatuation. Love is a lot deeper, it involves a very deep knowledge of the other person (warts and all) and it takes time to develop. You are young and yeah, you did go a bit psycho there but don't let it get to you. We have all been there, including yours truly lol. But when you think you have no control over it that is where you are wrong. You do. You have no control over your feelings (and infatuation is a very powerful emotion) but you do have control over what to do with them. You seem lovely. You deserve better. I can not for the life of me understand how lovely people feel such a sense of loss over something that was damaging to them in the first place. Take it from me. What you are describing isn't love. This is not how love feels. Love is something that makes you warm and fuzzy and not something that reduces you to a nervous wreck and chips away your self confidence. I was forced to break it off with my guy because of circumstances none of us could control. We had a genuine, deep connection. He treated me with respect and offered me the kind of love I could previously only dream of and the clue, after a while none of this had anything to do with tearing each others' clothes. I know it is best for him to go (a health issue) I want him to get better and be happy with or without me. I am sad beyond words because I feel I am also losing my best friend and even so I recognize that no contact is what is best for both me and for him at least for the moment. We all hurt but some pain is entirely optional as I believe the case is with you. Best of luck

[Boomshine]

I understand where BoomShine is coming from saying everyone has reasons why they act or do certain things and no ones perfect. And yes, my ex MAY be in pain, but that doesn't take away from the fact that he's an arrogant jerk. So all in all, I'm choosing NC and keeping it this way. I'm much happier when he's not around to bring me down.

 

It does NOT take away from that fact one bit. And I'm not trying to do that either. I'm trying to help you have understanding is all. Understanding doesn't mean you have to AGREE with what he's doing though. I don't agree with what my ex is doing right now either (hence why I walked away from our friendship a month ago), but understanding where she's at is still helping me to cope with the situation.

 

If that's not your cup of tea, that's perfectly fine. And whether you care to understand or not, I still agree wholeheartedly that walking away is definitely the best choice here. Whether you two are ever in each others' lives to ANY extent again or not, dude's gotta grow up. A LOT.

 

It truly is best for you to distance yourself. There's absolutely ZERO reason to keep anyone in your life who only drags you down. And you've seen the repetitive bargaining-then-bailing cycle he's been playing with you. I'm sure you're ALL too aware of it now to allow yourself to fall prey to it any longer.

 

If I might give some unsolicited advice, find some dudes who are 25+. I don't know what it is exactly, but we tend to mellow out and fall into who we truly are starting around then. The whole "early 20s" thing for guys tends to be a whirlwind typically. Weird transition phase from teenage years to manhood. I just turned 26 a few weeks ago, and this definitely happened to be the case for myself and at least 80% of my guy friends my age as well.

[singsparkles]

Hi Sparkles. Just wanted to give my two cents to you. What I am about to say could apply to so many threads on this forum it is scary. I did not read the entire thing, just a few pages were enough to get the gist. What I do not understand is how perfectly nice people seem to get addicted to people that are obviously treating them like dirt. I am probably not going to say anything new here but from what I see you are very pretty and reading your responses on other threads you are obviously very compassionate too. The addiction in my opinion is pure ego (and I am not calling you an egoist, all people have egos) and has very little to do with the guy and everything to do with the fact that you can not have him. You may see him through a prism allowing you to rationalize all wringdoing in your brain or he may even be a totally different person than the one you imagined him to be when you fell for him. This isn't love, it is infatuation. Love is a lot deeper, it involves a very deep knowledge of the other person (warts and all) and it takes time to develop. You are young and yeah, you did go a bit psycho there but don't let it get to you. We have all been there, including yours truly lol. But when you think you have no control over it that is where you are wrong. You do. You have no control over your feelings (and infatuation is a very powerful emotion) but you do have control over what to do with them. You seem lovely. You deserve better. I can not for the life of me understand how lovely people feel such a sense of loss over something that was damaging to them in the first place. Take it from me. What you are describing isn't love. This is not how love feels. Love is something that makes you warm and fuzzy and not something that reduces you to a nervous wreck and chips away your self confidence. I was forced to break it off with my guy because of circumstances none of us could control. We had a genuine, deep connection. He treated me with respect and offered me the kind of love I could previously only dream of and the clue, after a while none of this had anything to do with tearing each others' clothes. I know it is best for him to go (a health issue) I want him to get better and be happy with or without me. I am sad beyond words because I feel I am also losing my best friend and even so I recognize that no contact is what is best for both me and for him at least for the moment. We all hurt but some pain is entirely optional as I believe the case is with you. Best of luck

 

 

 

Fran,

You're advice was refreshing and lovely. I think you are completely right. I don't think it's exactly love and may more so be on the borderline of obsession/infatuation. But I must say I don't think it's that I want something I can't have. Because even when we were together, I was crazy possessive and wild over him. He just had a magnetic quality about him that made me feel such a way.

 

I've been trying to do NC, but every time I think I'm doing well he contacts me saying "I want to work things out" and "we can do this, I have faith in us" and it's making it very hard on me. He's obviously playing with my emotions. Because he gets my hopes up and I get all happy that he wants to work on things and I get so excited only to find that the rest of the week he ends up ignoring me... AGAIN.

 

Thank you for relating so I don't feel so alone when it comes to going psycho. lol.

 

Your situation seems way more deeper than mine and incomparible. You obviously had friendship in eachother and you love him enough to let him go, I am gathering? because of personal issues? How are you coping? I hope well...

 

I agree. Pain is entirely optional and we put it on ourselves. We control our emotions and I know I am the captain of the ship of my emotions. I just take some very wrong turns with the ship once in awhile.

 

I agree with you... love is warm and fuzzy and doesn't make you feel like a nervous wreck; maybe love is something I've never truly experienced but I long for and I search for it in people like this who may not even be capable of love, which is unfortunate.

 

I was in contact with him again tonight after he said he wanted to work things out again, then he ignored me again and said to take things slow... but I'm not a "take things slow" person when I've known someone for so long. It's not like we just met. We were together and we have memories. You can't go from being in a relationship to being friends.

 

I'm truly working on NC and I think I'm going to truly have to be strong and dig up some serious power to do it, bc he's not going to do NC and I'm beginning to realize that. If I truly want to be happy, it's gonna have to start with me and I'm gonna have to be strong enough not to fall in his web again, as I so easily do. I've been making a lot of mistakes but the good thing about it is I am learning so much about love, life, and even about myself.

 

 

I'm learning sometimes it's okay to walk away and not put up a fight. Some people aren't worth the fight and I have to be choosey with who I fight for. I definitely have abandonment issues and hate break ups. Every break up I've been through, I've become the "crazy ex" and I contact them all day long trying to get them back. I think its an underlying problem within myself I have to work with. And like my mother says, I also choose a**holes, which doesn't make my problem any easier, only worse. lol

 

 

Thank you for your advice & support... I hope you are holding up well with your situation & I'm here if you need support or just to vent!

 

 

Hugs

xxx

[singsparkles]

It does NOT take away from that fact one bit. And I'm not trying to do that either. I'm trying to help you have understanding is all. Understanding doesn't mean you have to AGREE with what he's doing though. I don't agree with what my ex is doing right now either (hence why I walked away from our friendship a month ago), but understanding where she's at is still helping me to cope with the situation.

 

If that's not your cup of tea, that's perfectly fine. And whether you care to understand or not, I still agree wholeheartedly that walking away is definitely the best choice here. Whether you two are ever in each others' lives to ANY extent again or not, dude's gotta grow up. A LOT.

 

It truly is best for you to distance yourself. There's absolutely ZERO reason to keep anyone in your life who only drags you down. And you've seen the repetitive bargaining-then-bailing cycle he's been playing with you. I'm sure you're ALL too aware of it now to allow yourself to fall prey to it any longer.

 

If I might give some unsolicited advice, find some dudes who are 25+. I don't know what it is exactly, but we tend to mellow out and fall into who we truly are starting around then. The whole "early 20s" thing for guys tends to be a whirlwind typically. Weird transition phase from teenage years to manhood. I just turned 26 a few weeks ago, and this definitely happened to be the case for myself and at least 80% of my guy friends my age as well.

 

 

Boomshine,

I totally agree. And I'm sorry to hear you've gone through a lot with your ex. I hope you're holding up well?

 

I agree. I've been talking to a lot of men 25 and up lately and they all say the same thing... that men's brains don't truly develop until they are actually 25 and they don't realize the effect they have when they hurt a woman until their brains have matured.

 

I agree. I should date older. I'm 25 years old dating 21 year olds. I mean, he seemed mature when I first started dating him and the girl he dated before me was my age also so I just thought nothing of it. He treated me like an absolute princess. But come to find out, he is very emotionally immature and thats one thing I can say whole heartedly. He has no clue how to communicate nor does he care to communicate. He just wants to ignore me and be in complete silence and message me a few weeks later acting like nothing ever happened and expecting me to be over everything. But I'm not. Because that's not fixing the problem. Thats putting the problem under the carpet.

 

I agree, I do need to distance myself, and maybe stop answering his bargaining calls all together with it. He did it again this week and the same cycle happened. I don't understand why he keeps doing this and I'm starting to think he finds humor in watching me suffer as he plays with my emotions... and if he truly does, he's very immature and has a lot of growing up to do...and has no clue what love even means or is all about.

 

One day at a time... I want to do NC, but like I said, I need to be strong because I know he will not commit to NC and will still message me when he wants to message me spurratically ... so I need to gather up some strength to totally ignore him when he does... even if he does say "I wanna work things out" ... I think I've fallen for that line too many times and it's time I stop being so naive and smell the coffee for what it really is.

 

Thank you for your support though

xx

[ExpatInItaly]

Boomshine,

I totally agree. And I'm sorry to hear you've gone through a lot with your ex. I hope you're holding up well?

 

I agree. I've been talking to a lot of men 25 and up lately and they all say the same thing... that men's brains don't truly develop until they are actually 25 and they don't realize the effect they have when they hurt a woman until their brains have matured.

 

I agree. I should date older. I'm 25 years old dating 21 year olds. I mean, he seemed mature when I first started dating him and the girl he dated before me was my age also so I just thought nothing of it. He treated me like an absolute princess. But come to find out, he is very emotionally immature and thats one thing I can say whole heartedly. He has no clue how to communicate nor does he care to communicate. He just wants to ignore me and be in complete silence and message me a few weeks later acting like nothing ever happened and expecting me to be over everything. But I'm not. Because that's not fixing the problem. Thats putting the problem under the carpet.

 

I agree, I do need to distance myself, and maybe stop answering his bargaining calls all together with it. He did it again this week and the same cycle happened. I don't understand why he keeps doing this and I'm starting to think he finds humor in watching me suffer as he plays with my emotions... and if he truly does, he's very immature and has a lot of growing up to do...and has no clue what love even means or is all about.

 

One day at a time... I want to do NC, but like I said, I need to be strong because I know he will not commit to NC and will still message me when he wants to message me spurratically ... so I need to gather up some strength to totally ignore him when he does... even if he does say "I wanna work things out" ... I think I've fallen for that line too many times and it's time I stop being so naive and smell the coffee for what it really is.

 

Thank you for your support though

xx

 

Girl, maybe? You shouldn't even be questioning that. He can only do this as long as you keep allowing him to. If you continue to reply to him, you can't exactly question it. He does it because it works.

 

If you really, honestly want to end this - block him. Forever. Ask yourself how long you're willing to behave this way. You cannot control or change someone else's behaviour, only your own. Instead of analyzing why he's doing X, Y and Z...you should be asking yourself why you are doing it. Only then will you really be able to leave this guy behind.

[Arieswoman]

singsparkles,

You said ;-

 

One day at a time... I want to do NC, but like I said, I need to be strong because I know he will not commit to NC and will still message me when he wants to message me spurratically

 

He won't commit to NC because he enjoys playing you. You do NC for yourself.

 

May I suggest you change for 'phone number ?

[BC1980]

Also, NC isn't a joint effort. You do it yourself. Of course, he won't do it. You've taught what type of behavior you accept. Everything from this point on is on you because you refuse to remove yourself from the situation.

[Fran23]

Fran,

You're advice was refreshing and lovely. I think you are completely right. I don't think it's exactly love and may more so be on the borderline of obsession/infatuation. But I must say I don't think it's that I want something I can't have. Because even when we were together, I was crazy possessive and wild over him. He just had a magnetic quality about him that made me feel such a way.

 

I've been trying to do NC, but every time I think I'm doing well he contacts me saying "I want to work things out" and "we can do this, I have faith in us" and it's making it very hard on me. He's obviously playing with my emotions. Because he gets my hopes up and I get all happy that he wants to work on things and I get so excited only to find that the rest of the week he ends up ignoring me... AGAIN.

 

Thank you for relating so I don't feel so alone when it comes to going psycho. lol.

 

Your situation seems way more deeper than mine and incomparible. You obviously had friendship in eachother and you love him enough to let him go, I am gathering? because of personal issues? How are you coping? I hope well...

 

I agree. Pain is entirely optional and we put it on ourselves. We control our emotions and I know I am the captain of the ship of my emotions. I just take some very wrong turns with the ship once in awhile.

 

I agree with you... love is warm and fuzzy and doesn't make you feel like a nervous wreck; maybe love is something I've never truly experienced but I long for and I search for it in people like this who may not even be capable of love, which is unfortunate.

 

I was in contact with him again tonight after he said he wanted to work things out again, then he ignored me again and said to take things slow... but I'm not a "take things slow" person when I've known someone for so long. It's not like we just met. We were together and we have memories. You can't go from being in a relationship to being friends.

 

I'm truly working on NC and I think I'm going to truly have to be strong and dig up some serious power to do it, bc he's not going to do NC and I'm beginning to realize that. If I truly want to be happy, it's gonna have to start with me and I'm gonna have to be strong enough not to fall in his web again, as I so easily do. I've been making a lot of mistakes but the good thing about it is I am learning so much about love, life, and even about myself.

 

 

I'm learning sometimes it's okay to walk away and not put up a fight. Some people aren't worth the fight and I have to be choosey with who I fight for. I definitely have abandonment issues and hate break ups. Every break up I've been through, I've become the "crazy ex" and I contact them all day long trying to get them back. I think its an underlying problem within myself I have to work with. And like my mother says, I also choose a**holes, which doesn't make my problem any easier, only worse. lol

 

 

Thank you for your advice & support... I hope you are holding up well with your situation & I'm here if you need support or just to vent!

 

 

Hugs

xxx

Hey Sparkles. How is it going? My opinion about you wanting what you can not have is obviously just that, an opinion. You know best what you are feeling and you seem to be getting places with your analysis . I told you that because this guy never really gave you the security of "having him" cause he always bailed on you subsequently and of course that creates insecurity on your part so it is only natural you would feel possessive when you are together. Trust me, there is nothing magnetic about him. Chemistry, while real, can only take you so far. There is no "one". There are loads of "ones" and they are just as magnetic and cute you just haven't met them or noticed them (I know when my guy was around I wouldn't have spotted Johnny Depp if he were standing naked next to me - ok obviously a lie but you get my drift) As for the memories you mention you might want to evaluate them on a real scale. I know that when we have these strong feelings we tend to remember the sweet little nothings they whisper in our ear and the way they hold our hand but these are not what bonds people. One of my fondest memories with my guy was visiting his father's grave and holding hands in front of it and there was nothing remotely sexual about it or that one time he showed up at mine in the middle of the night, drenched from the rain because his business had just gone under and spent the night just stroking my hair, or getting up at six to bake my birthday cake, stuff like that. And the more time you spend on this guy the less time you'll have for the good stuff. And believe me the good stuff is totally worth it. And you are cheating yourself from receiving it. Maybe your mom is onto something when she pointed out you choose a..holes. Sometimes we are frightened of the very thing we really want, other times we feel we may not be worth it (on a very subconscious level). Again, I am no expert and I do not know you to assume to know what is going on with you so I am not saying these things personally. From what you are saying I am having trouble seeing a single good aspect of this guy. I think immature people do not fully grasp that those they interact with are people too and you know he will keep doing that if you let him. So the ball is in your court. You don't even have to get angry with him (unless that helps you be strong and keep him away) And yes, of course I can relate to going overboard. A few years back the guy I thought was the love of my life dumped me out of the blue (cause he got another girl pregnant but that is a whole different story). I was calling him all the time asking for another chance, using unmarked numbers, stalking him on fb, showed up at his, the whole nine yards. I was basically a fool. But he didn't badge and now I see it was the best thing to do rather than string me along.

As for me, I am not doing that great today. I fully regret the breakup yet the reasons for it are still very relevant. If I had something in my hands, like a possible return date I may have changed my mind but it doesn't look good (if you have not read my thread, long story short, he had a nervous breakdown and moved out of the country to be hospitalized, so LDR isn't making much sense at the moment) I miss him so much it hurts. I take no pleasure in anything though I try to be active. The world seems empty somehow. Yesterday I spent the night at his place. I still have the keys and it is empty. It is soo heartbreaking, so many memories. I slept on the floor. I obviously need to stop doing this to myself. I have also blocked him this week to make it easier because the more we talk the more into each other we get so he possibly thinks I am a heartless bitch now. Well, one day at the time I suppose. Hope it gets better for the both of us. Good luck Sparkles. You sound like a good person. Treat yourself nicely will you?

[singsparkles]

Girl, maybe? You shouldn't even be questioning that. He can only do this as long as you keep allowing him to. If you continue to reply to him, you can't exactly question it. He does it because it works.

 

If you really, honestly want to end this - block him. Forever. Ask yourself how long you're willing to behave this way. You cannot control or change someone else's behaviour, only your own. Instead of analyzing why he's doing X, Y and Z...you should be asking yourself why you are doing it. Only then will you really be able to leave this guy behind.

 

 

 

ExpatInItaly,

 

You could not be more right. I can only control my behavior and stop what I'm doing and what I'm letting him do. I've been a fool for far too long... it's gotten to the point where I dont even know why I'm calling or messaging him, it's just routine... that's how bad it's become/I have become.

 

I'm taking measures. I read in an article that it takes 3 weeks to kick a bad habit and my aunt offered to take my phone and hide it from me for 3 weeks. I think I NEED to do this. It will also give me time away from society in general to just find some inner peace and solace. I am taking measures as they need to be made now. Its gotten way too far.

 

Thank you for your advice

hugs!!! xx

[singsparkles]

singsparkles,

You said ;-

 

 

 

He won't commit to NC because he enjoys playing you. You do NC for yourself.

 

May I suggest you change for 'phone number ?

 

 

Arieswoman,

 

You're completely right. I've been kind of abusing the NC rule for way too long now, making exceptions for him. Nothing will ever change. I need to change myself and do it for myself -- you are completely right.

 

What I have done is I blocked his number (because you can do that on the new iphones) and my aunt is taking my phone for three weeks so I wont have it in hand and I wont have any temptation to call him.

 

Experts say it takes three weeks to break a bad habit and I'm hoping this time away from my phone and society will do me some good... maybe do some soul searching and find inner peace and solace in being alone. Try new hobbies. I just need to be away from anything where I can communicate with him.

 

 

Thanks for your reply!

Hugs,

xxx

[singsparkles]

Also, NC isn't a joint effort. You do it yourself. Of course, he won't do it. You've taught what type of behavior you accept. Everything from this point on is on you because you refuse to remove yourself from the situation.

 

 

BC,

 

Thanks for always being a support. You were the first one to school me on the "NC Rule", but yet I've been abusing the rules that come with it for way too long. I keep doing this to myself, just as you've said, and I have the control to stop it. I have given it to him way too many times that it actually sickens me and gives me a stomach ache just thinking about it because I know he doesn't deserve it.

 

I have to stop, TODAY. For my sanity.

 

My aunt is going to take my phone and hide it for three weeks, as I've read in an article that it takes three weeks to kick a bad habit. I'm hoping that with the time away from society and the time away from having a way to connect to him will do me some good, and bring me some inner peace. I have a lot of soul searching to do, and a lot of things I wanna change about myself for the better.

 

I'm 25 and ever since I was 17 (my first real relationship was a ****ty one) I've been just being a crazy doormat for horrible guys. I have yet to choose one good guy in my life. The guy I lost my virginity to was an a**hole, and ever since him I've only gotten worse. I've dated much worser guys than him.

 

The cycle needs to stop. Its been going on too long. My brother cried to me about it the other day and told me I have to change and he hates seeing me in pain... and it definitely touched my heart.

 

It's not about this dude. This dude may be an a**hole. But in the end, I NEED TO CHANGE. I need to stop allowing this behavior in my life and start thinking more highly of myself and being more picky because I do deserve better.

 

I'm taking all the measures I can do get away from him in hopes it will work and I will come out happier and stronger.

 

Thanks for your support!

xxxx

[singsparkles]

Hey Sparkles. How is it going? My opinion about you wanting what you can not have is obviously just that, an opinion. You know best what you are feeling and you seem to be getting places with your analysis . I told you that because this guy never really gave you the security of "having him" cause he always bailed on you subsequently and of course that creates insecurity on your part so it is only natural you would feel possessive when you are together. Trust me, there is nothing magnetic about him. Chemistry, while real, can only take you so far. There is no "one". There are loads of "ones" and they are just as magnetic and cute you just haven't met them or noticed them (I know when my guy was around I wouldn't have spotted Johnny Depp if he were standing naked next to me - ok obviously a lie but you get my drift) As for the memories you mention you might want to evaluate them on a real scale. I know that when we have these strong feelings we tend to remember the sweet little nothings they whisper in our ear and the way they hold our hand but these are not what bonds people. One of my fondest memories with my guy was visiting his father's grave and holding hands in front of it and there was nothing remotely sexual about it or that one time he showed up at mine in the middle of the night, drenched from the rain because his business had just gone under and spent the night just stroking my hair, or getting up at six to bake my birthday cake, stuff like that. And the more time you spend on this guy the less time you'll have for the good stuff. And believe me the good stuff is totally worth it. And you are cheating yourself from receiving it. Maybe your mom is onto something when she pointed out you choose a..holes. Sometimes we are frightened of the very thing we really want, other times we feel we may not be worth it (on a very subconscious level). Again, I am no expert and I do not know you to assume to know what is going on with you so I am not saying these things personally. From what you are saying I am having trouble seeing a single good aspect of this guy. I think immature people do not fully grasp that those they interact with are people too and you know he will keep doing that if you let him. So the ball is in your court. You don't even have to get angry with him (unless that helps you be strong and keep him away) And yes, of course I can relate to going overboard. A few years back the guy I thought was the love of my life dumped me out of the blue (cause he got another girl pregnant but that is a whole different story). I was calling him all the time asking for another chance, using unmarked numbers, stalking him on fb, showed up at his, the whole nine yards. I was basically a fool. But he didn't badge and now I see it was the best thing to do rather than string me along.

As for me, I am not doing that great today. I fully regret the breakup yet the reasons for it are still very relevant. If I had something in my hands, like a possible return date I may have changed my mind but it doesn't look good (if you have not read my thread, long story short, he had a nervous breakdown and moved out of the country to be hospitalized, so LDR isn't making much sense at the moment) I miss him so much it hurts. I take no pleasure in anything though I try to be active. The world seems empty somehow. Yesterday I spent the night at his place. I still have the keys and it is empty. It is soo heartbreaking, so many memories. I slept on the floor. I obviously need to stop doing this to myself. I have also blocked him this week to make it easier because the more we talk the more into each other we get so he possibly thinks I am a heartless bitch now. Well, one day at the time I suppose. Hope it gets better for the both of us. Good luck Sparkles. You sound like a good person. Treat yourself nicely will you?

 

 

 

 

Fran,

 

Your post was SO touching. It made me borderline cry and I was in tears through a few parts. Let me just say one thing... You are a beautiful human being.

 

The way you talk about your love is just beautiful. The type of love you had with him... that's the type of love I dream of... and the type of love people would die for.

 

I'm so sorry your love had a nervous breakdown, as I know how that is. I've been hospitalized once for one because I couldn't take it anymore and just broke down and my mom sent me in. Mental illness is rough and it affects EVERYONE around people with it.

 

I think he loved you. He must cherish all those beautiful memories you talk about and all the beautiful simple things you guys did together... Those simple things mean the world, and that is Love.

 

I can totally relate that after losing a love, the world seems empty... as when I do love, I love hard and good, and when I lose it, the world just doesn't seem the same.

 

You make me want to cry, how you go to his apartment and sit on the floor... I would do the exact same thing. I know it's not easy, and you miss him with all your heart...it's heartbreaking... Do you think he will ever get better, and does he tell you he still loves you? Why do you think NC is best for you both? I definitely want to find your thread and read it after this to get more details.

 

Your situation makes mine look childish and dumb, which IT IS. I have control and I've let it get this far and I can stop it, I have the power. I was always insecure, even when we were together, as he would disappear then, too, then come back begging me to stay telling me he loved me. I'm starting to realize the whole relationship was just a game to him, he wanted to "win" me, and he got what he wanted. He's 21 yrs old and hes a little boy compared to me. Women mature faster as it is and I'm 25.. sometimes I need to start seeing things for what they are and stop being so blinded. He's immature, a d*ckhead, and does not care for anyone else's emotions except his own.

 

I'm giving my phone to my aunt for three weeks, as I've read in an article it takes three weeks to break a habit, so I'm hoping that with time away from society and time away from having a way to contact him will do me a world of wonders... I really want to kick this bad habit and rip it's balls off! Lol.

 

I understand what you're saying... whatever helps me cope is best. I don't want to be angry because I feel when I'm angry, I still care about him and he still has power over me. I want to get to the point where I forgive, and his presence in this world means nothing to me... that's my ultimate plan.

 

It makes me feel better that I'm not the only one who goes crazy after dating a douche bag. It seems you did the same thing with a guy that never appreciated you... but it also seems that you learned from it and you're older and wiser now. I'd like to be that exact same way as you.

 

 

I want to let you know you can vent or talk to me about your situation any time you want. A lot of people don't understand mental breakdowns or mental illness in itself. I do. I've been where your ex is and it's not a pretty place. Along the way, you lose everything you once loved because of it.. and he is probably feeling just as alone as you feel.

 

Why is the reason you felt the need to break it off, if you dont mind me asking? Did he make it seem like his problems were too big for you to handle? or did you cut it off because it hurts you too much to see him in this state and feel lonely and strung along?

 

I agree. I'm blinded and there is nothing magnetic about this guy and it's all in my head, and I know this, but sometimes I still get blind. I have a lot of changing to do. I also know that by focusing on him I'm closing eye to all the good I can have in my life, as you said. And I really don't wanna live my life missing all the good. Before I know it, I'll be 30 and still be going through the exact same things, lonely and miserable, if I don't change my ways now. I need to change my ways now.

 

Your memories and times with him were absolutely beautiful. But if you feel the need to stick with NC and you feel that NC is the best, try and stick with it, if you feel it's for your own good. I will do the same. I truly hope both of our situations get better... and I hope one day soon you will find a smile on your face. You seem like an amazing person and you deserve that.

 

Pamper yourself in the midst of all of this... I find thats the only thing thats helped me is pampering myself and focusing on me... and it's hard to, but I'm going to try and be a more positive person and look at what I do have and not what I don't have.

 

My heart and love goes out to you in this tough time. But you are a strong woman and you WILL make it through this. You will find love and happiness again... even if it's not with him. Cherish those memories and try not to make those memories a bad thing or regret them. They were beautiful and unfortunately life works in strange and mysterious ways, and sometimes the people you love who love you back aren't meant to stay in your life. I never understood that... but it's true and its hard to grasp and understand.

 

You deserve someone who will support you through your life just as you support them. You deserve everything you're looking for and don't settle for less.

 

Like you said, I wish the best for the both of us and I hope things get better. Time heals everything, and I know things will get better little by little... everything just takes time.

 

NC is CRUCIAL for me. I need to stick with it and not break it, because I have the power over NC and I can't keep responding to him. It needs to stop today. Its gotten way out of hand and I only look like more of a desperate loser each time.

 

My love and hugs go out to you... I hope you are coping well today. You are on my mind.

 

I hope you find a way to enjoy your day, as you deserve it!

 

Lots of hugs...

xxx

[littleblacksubmarine]

It does NOT take away from that fact one bit. And I'm not trying to do that either. I'm trying to help you have understanding is all. Understanding doesn't mean you have to AGREE with what he's doing though. I don't agree with what my ex is doing right now either (hence why I walked away from our friendship a month ago), but understanding where she's at is still helping me to cope with the situation.

 

I agree with a lot of what Boomshine has said in his posts. I have been hurt by a number of girls in the past, but I have also hurt some myself. It wasn't really my intention I just didn't realise how much I was hurting them at the time. It could be deliberate from him or it could just be a lack of awareness, its not really relevant, all that matters is being in contact with him hurts you so that is what needs to change.

 

There are a lot of negative comments being thrown at your ex by you and other posters. It is best to try to avoid judging and being angry with him. The anger is a natural part of the process but holding onto it will only delay your progress.

 

During my earliest break ups I would often hold onto the anger for a long time after we had split up, years later when I thought of them I would be angry. In my break ups over the last few years I've managed to shake off the anger at some stage and feel a lot more comfortable with how things are. I'm even in contact with some of them quite regularly and there are no ill feelings.

 

When you feel yourself getting angry, try to work through these feelings, maybe go for a run while you do it. After a few minutes try to break the thought process by telling yourself that he is not hurting you, you are by hurting yourself by thinking about him. This puts you in the position of being in charge of how you feel, which is how it should be.

 

It's not about this dude. This dude may be an a**hole. But in the end, I NEED TO CHANGE. I need to stop allowing this behavior in my life and start thinking more highly of myself and being more picky because I do deserve better.

 

Try to avoid thinking of it this way too. Yes you do need to change, but it's less about who you are dating and more about how you feel about yourself. Work on your intrinsic self esteem, appreciate that you have value regardless of how other people think of you. If you are comfortable with yourself then you will be in a position to decide if a guy is right for you or not.

[singsparkles]

I agree with a lot of what Boomshine has said in his posts. I have been hurt by a number of girls in the past, but I have also hurt some myself. It wasn't really my intention I just didn't realise how much I was hurting them at the time. It could be deliberate from him or it could just be a lack of awareness, its not really relevant, all that matters is being in contact with him hurts you so that is what needs to change.

 

There are a lot of negative comments being thrown at your ex by you and other posters. It is best to try to avoid judging and being angry with him. The anger is a natural part of the process but holding onto it will only delay your progress.

 

During my earliest break ups I would often hold onto the anger for a long time after we had split up, years later when I thought of them I would be angry. In my break ups over the last few years I've managed to shake off the anger at some stage and feel a lot more comfortable with how things are. I'm even in contact with some of them quite regularly and there are no ill feelings.

 

When you feel yourself getting angry, try to work through these feelings, maybe go for a run while you do it. After a few minutes try to break the thought process by telling yourself that he is not hurting you, you are by hurting yourself by thinking about him. This puts you in the position of being in charge of how you feel, which is how it should be.

 

 

 

Try to avoid thinking of it this way too. Yes you do need to change, but it's less about who you are dating and more about how you feel about yourself. Work on your intrinsic self esteem, appreciate that you have value regardless of how other people think of you. If you are comfortable with yourself then you will be in a position to decide if a guy is right for you or not.

 

 

 

littleblacksubmarine,

 

I totally agree. Carrying around anger is detrimental and only slows down the healing process. That's why I want to forgive him and forget and put him in the past. You're right; being in contact with him gives me a great deal of pain and that's why I need to let go.

 

Not everything is black and white. Many people react to things differently. I don't know what hes feeling, but I do know that he's been hurting me for four months straight and I need to care about myself enough to take myself away from the situation so I can be happy again.

 

I totally agree. There is a lot of stuff I want to work on about myself. I believe if I change certain aspects of myself, I wouldn't end up in these situations, because as you said, if you feel good about yourself, you are better at judging who is bad and who is good for you. I've only been a horrible judger of character so it's been a shortfall of mine.

 

I definitely am working on healing and focusing on me and putting him aside. He really doesn't deserve a place in my life, but I also am not holding onto anger because anger is the killer of many things. If I hold onto anger, I will NEVER be happy and I know that. I am working on forgiving and focusing on myself.

 

 

Thanks for the reply

xx

[littleblacksubmarine]

Glad to hear it, I wish you luck as I know how tough it can be, but you can do it. It will get easier eventually and you'll be much stronger from this experience

[Fran23]

//The way you talk about your love is just beautiful. The type of love you had with him... that's the type of love I dream of... and the type of love people would die for.

 

I'm so sorry your love had a nervous breakdown, as I know how that is. I've been hospitalized once for one because I couldn't take it anymore and just broke down and my mom sent me in. Mental illness is rough and it affects EVERYONE around people with it.//

 

Hiya Sparkles. Thank you for your kind words. You really sound like an absolute sweetheart and paying attention to and caring for other people will reward you in the end even if it has not in this particular case. I am so terribly sorry you had your struggles with mental issues. It sucks big time and yes, everyone is affected. Watching him suffer like that was torture. People are sadly misinformed and do not understand mental illness. Even I didn't understand before and while I read all i could on the subject I still can not imagine what it felt like for him. I hope you are better now.

Of course I only have the best to say about him. He is an awesome guy and he remains the best thing that ever happened to me (so far). I too had not experienced anything quite so great before (I am a bit older than you, 30). I had my heart broken, I had other relationships but never this understanding that the person next to you is family. What I learned from this however (and I wish someone had told me that before) is that love isn't something you find but something you build when the foundation permits it. I know I describe a fairytale but I can assure you we had fights and difficulties and just the fact of his illness alone was putting a tremendous strain on anything. The secret was that we actually didn't give up, even when we wanted to kick each others butts. And we always respected each other, so no hits bellow the belt either. We both tried.

 

I know he loved me. That was not the problem. I know he still does and yes he does still tell me. I know you think going by his flat was romantic as hell (I obviously also thought so too) but it was not a smart thing to do and definitely not healthy at all. It set me back big time.

 

 

//Your situation makes mine look childish and dumb, which IT IS// there is no contest going on here sweety. Every situation is real and hurts. Nothing childish about it. And I would also not dismiss something that gives you so much pain it interfers with your enjoyment of life as dumb. Your pain is as excruciating as mine. I read your posts. This is what made me write to you in the first place. That and the support you were offering other people on the boards.

 

//then come back begging me to stay telling me he loved me// words are soooooo easy, especially by a 21 year old boy who has no real sense of how his behavior is affecting other people. Pay close attention to his actions. They speak much louder and anyone who makes you insecure whether intentionally or because they are simply reckless DOES NOT love you (I know it is hard to hear, but every second you spend on someone who doesn't love you is a second stolen from those who already do or those who can potentially give you what you need). But then you don't really love him either (again not telling you how you feel, this is based on what you said). Love is different than infatuation and he has not inspired anything positive in you whatsoever. All he did was reinforce your insecurities. What you love is a projection of what you were hoping he would be. You say you always wanted such a love, sweety this kind of love has nothing to do with what you are describing. Love doesn't come easy even if the partners are vested. It is not magic. It is something you really have to work on. And you are doing all the work here while he sits back and enjoys the benefits of knowing that he has you without even lifting his little finger. Telling you he loves you doesn't mean he does. He needs to show you and what he has shown you is not love and you are much better than that (as you already realized). As for the age, I am not quite sure they ever mature lol. But yeah, a man is much more rewarding than a boy. Boys sometimes see girls as conquests, men see girls as people (same goes for females of course). Huge difference. In his shoes a man would cut you loose because he would respect you enough to know your time is precious and out there there is someone who can give you what he can not.

 

Wonderful news that you are giving your phone away. Please do not be tempted. [breaking news: just got another sms, asking if we can talk tomorrow sigh]

 

//Why is the reason you felt the need to break it off, if you dont mind me asking? Did he make it seem like his problems were too big for you to handle? or did you cut it off because it hurts you too much to see him in this state and feel lonely and strung along?//

I didn't really want to break up but it doesn't make sense to continue.. Things were already kind of out of control. I also had a miscarriage of a baby girl at 13 weeks in June which was very traumatic. When I fell pregnant he was over the moon and during my pregnancy he really got much better, saw the baby as a reason to fight so when it was lost things deteriorated very fast (we lost the baby AND he lost a court trial in the same week, it was dreadful). That was in June. 2 months ago he went to a party without me I got a phonecall in the wee hours of the morning. He was drunk and completely off his head. I went to find him, brought him home, put him under the shower and then he cried and cried and told me if he stays he will die/kill himself, that he knew he had to leave (also insurance reasons, he could not afford to be treated here peoperly) and that he didn't know how he could live without me. It was horrible. But I also saw his point. The reason why we broke up instead is because there is no immediate plan for him to come back (though he swears he is going to) and that he is too sick and he needs to concentrate on his recovery. I love him enough to know that his wellbeing is what has priority and that I want him to get better with or without me. I can not move there. I don't even speak the language. It is a catch 22 thing. Here is the link to my thread https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/495261-mutual-breakup-but-we-still-love

 

Anyway, sorry for hijacking. This is your situation we are discussing :-) But yeah, I do think you have your head screwed on the right way. Being blindsided by emotions and doing things that don't make sense even to us is a very normal thing. I believe you are being way too harsh on youself. Having said that I find it is a very positive thing that you have identified unhealthy patterns and that you are determined to destroy them. I also get a feeling (and again, this is speculation, not an expert opinion) that you don't even realize your own worth. You are intelligent and you realize this guy has demonstrated zero qualities that would justify anyone falling in love with him and still you are giving him all the power in the world. I am glad you are taking this opportunity to examine unhealthy patterns. Not many people do it. I respect that very much. Keep strong and dare to believe you deserve a thousand times better than what you have been getting. Contrary to popular belief, a healthy wholesome relationship is not something that comes easy unless you have two partners willing to put the effort. You really do seem like someone I would love to know in real life. And trust me, this is not the best you can do. Validate your feelings, honor them but be the captain of the boat you were talking about and do not shed tears for someone like that (again, easier said than done, I know). If you are going to cry for a guy make sure he is worth it because you definitely are. When you meet someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated there still are no guarantees. But you will see the difference and when that happens you won't even remember the name of this loser. You can trust me on that. Anyways, I wrote an essay again but I really hope you find your way out of this sad situation. Looks like you are on a good way. Do update/write, let me know how it is all going. I honestly keep everything crossed for you and hope you find happiness sooner than you think.

Big hug

F