Ex is so hot and cold, rougher tonight/in more pain than usual (Updated)

[Boomshine]

Boomshine,

Did you read my new post on the text he sent me? Would be nice to hear a guy's point of view. I pretty much know that NC has to be implemented. It's hard when someone keeps finding ways to peek back into your life when you're trying to heal, though.

 

I do take your advice, every bit of it.

 

It's just that part of me still holds onto the fact that he might care, and I might just need to let that go. His actions kinda show what they need to show.

 

No, I didn't see it until just now. I'm going to give you my exact read of it, and not try to put any filter on it one way or another. I'm not going to tell you what you should do here, as that's entirely up to you to decide. And a lot of these posts from others that I've been reading are being written through a filter of trying to get you to stay away from him.

 

But I'm going to give you the real deal here, and trust that you have the willpower and fortitude to continue doing what's best for you, whatever you may decide that to be in any given moment.

 

Thanks for responding to me. I hope you had fun at the casino and I hope you have been doing well lately. I've been really busy with school and midterms. You've been really patient and trust me I appreciate it. Maybe I do need some time to figure things out and get myself together. You need somebody that's going to be consistent and be considerate of all your feelings. I can be that person but I'm not sure about right now.

 

All of the above should be taken EXACTLY as written. There's no hidden meaning in his words.

 

That said, and this may sound contradictory to what I just wrote, there IS more going on than he's aware of. He's told you what he's consciously aware of, but there's gears turning in his subconscious that he hasn't been able to put his finger on yet. Specifically, in the essence that he's FINALLY STARTING to gain awareness about his emotional immaturity. (Note that I say "STARTING" here. It's going to be a process.) And that's why he's "not sure about right now" - he knows he needs to work on himself, and to become a better person. But I'm guessing he doesn't know the exact process to do that, and because of that, he has no idea how long it could possibly take. Of course, even when you DO know how the process works, you still can't say how long it'll take, but not knowing how to do it can extend the process even longer.

 

He's going to get there some day though, and that's why he says he can be that person. But he's put you through enough BS for so long that he's being considerate enough that he wants to wait until he's got a great grasp on it all before trying.

 

You're completely free to do your thing, just know that I have love for you. Some of the times we were together I felt like I didn't wanna be anywhere else. You're a good hearted person and I know that we'll remain friends. Let me know how your day goes love.

 

There's a difference between "love" and being "in love".

 

Love is three things:

1. Caring about another person.

2. Wanting the best for them.

3. Doing anything you can to make them happy.

 

Being in love is the highest level of attraction.

 

And it's entirely possible to have BOTH for someone (obviously), but the whole idea of love gets so misconstrued in culture and media, that we don't tend to realize that there two identities are actually distinct and separate from each other.

 

(Side note: That is why the phrase "I love you but I'm not in love with you" IS NOT SOME BS LINE as everyone tends to think that it is.)

 

The concept of love, as I described above, is the same foundation of love for anyone you care about in your life, whether friends, family, or even significant others. Yes, you can love some people MORE than others, but it's still those same three points, to whatever extent it may be.

 

Basically, in terms of feeling attracted to you, he's not sure where he stands at this moment. That's where the hot and cold comes from. And that's why that is something you need to let him sort out on his own. But in terms of caring about you, that's never faltered. And I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth. He DOES care about you still. But the thing is, you can still take space from him even knowing that he cares about you.

 

Again, I'm doing the same with my ex. I know she cares about me immensely, possibly more than any of the other friends she has in her life. I understand her better than ANYONE in her life, including her family members. She and I have a bond and connection that cannot be diminished or replaced. But right now, she's incredibly hot and cold as well. And even knowing that she cares about me, and that I care about her, I'm STILL taking the time apart to let her sort through the myriad of issues she's dealing with right now. I'm still supportive of her and I still want the very best for her.

 

And though we're not friends currently, if she texts me, I'll answer whatever questions she may have for me. I'm not going to make any effort to continue conversation myself, and I'm not going to spend any time with her in person either, but I don't subscribe to the "being an a**hole and shutting someone off entirely version" of No Contact. And when one has a greater sense of understanding and awareness, I honestly don't think the "not responding entirely" tactic is necessary in the slightest. Unless doing so hurts you (always take care of #1 first), but when you get to that place of acceptance, it shouldn't hurt at all.

 

So here's what I'd like you to tell yourself: "Yes, he cares about me. He wants me to be happy. And he wants to better himself so we can have better interactions in the future. But right now, he and I both realize that he's not in the place he needs to be for us to have that. So we're going to take some time apart. It might be a month, it might be a year, it might be forever. And that's okay."

 

Because it really should be okay. You're 25 years old. Age expectancy is around 80 nowadays. You have FIFTY FIVE years of life left. That's 660 months. It's okay to sacrifice a few of those months so he can make things better for the rest of the months and years to follow. The time apart will be a small drop in the ocean that is the ENTIRETY of your life.

 

S*** sucks right now, yes. But in a few months, is any of it even going to matter? When you're in your 30s, how often will you even think about this ordeal? 40s? 50s? Etc, etc.

 

You're going to go out, and make your life as incredible as can be, without the need of a significant other to be there. And he's going to go out and do the same. And maybe some day in the future, you two will reconnect, and be able to live your awesome lives together in some capacity, and not have some sort of wicked fused relationship as it was last time around.

 

A partner should be the icing on the cake, where you want them, but never need them. So go make your cake, and ice the cake once its finished baking.

 

P.S. I highly suggest listening to the entire album of "Bad Blood" by Bastille. Read the lyrics as you listen. Feel yourself understood by Dan and the boys in the band. The sensation is amazing.

Edited October 13, 2014 by Boomshine
I suck at writing.

[BC1980]

I don't subscribe to the "being an a**hole and shutting someone off entirely version" of No Contact. And when one has a greater sense of understanding and awareness, I honestly don't think the "not responding entirely" tactic is necessary in the slightest. Unless doing so hurts you (always take care of #1 first), but when you get to that place of acceptance, it shouldn't hurt at all.

 

If used correctly, going NC is almost never about being an a-hole but about protecting yourself. It's about removing yourself from an emotional situation that has the potential to send you into a downward spiral. If you have read this entire thread, you will see that the OP is involved in a very toxic situation with her ex, and pretty much everyone has suggested NC as a way for her to protect herself.

 

It's not the OP's job to decode his motives and his text messages, and there is no hidden message. He obviously has no intention of being in a relationship with her, but he would like to keep her around for sex, an ego stroke, a shoulder to cry on, whatever else. There's no need for her to go to any lengths to get a deeper understanding of what is a simple situation.

[singsparkles]

No, I didn't see it until just now. I'm going to give you my exact read of it, and not try to put any filter on it one way or another. I'm not going to tell you what you should do here, as that's entirely up to you to decide. And a lot of these posts from others that I've been reading are being written through a filter of trying to get you to stay away from him.

 

But I'm going to give you the real deal here, and trust that you have the willpower and fortitude to continue doing what's best for you, whatever you may decide that to be in any given moment.

 

 

 

All of the above should be taken EXACTLY as written. There's no hidden meaning in his words.

 

That said, and this may sound contradictory to what I just wrote, there IS more going on than he's aware of. He's told you what he's consciously aware of, but there's gears turning in his subconscious that he hasn't been able to put his finger on yet. Specifically, in the essence that he's FINALLY STARTING to gain awareness about his emotional immaturity. (Note that I say "STARTING" here. It's going to be a process.) And that's why he's "not sure about right now" - he knows he needs to work on himself, and to become a better person. But I'm guessing he doesn't know the exact process to do that, and because of that, he has no idea how long it could possibly take. Of course, even when you DO know how the process works, you still can't say how long it'll take, but not knowing how to do it can extend the process even longer.

 

He's going to get there some day though, and that's why he says he can be that person. But he's put you through enough BS for so long that he's being considerate enough that he wants to wait until he's got a great grasp on it all before trying.

 

 

 

There's a difference between "love" and being "in love".

 

Love is three things:

1. Caring about another person.

2. Wanting the best for them.

3. Doing anything you can to make them happy.

 

Being in love is the highest level of attraction.

 

And it's entirely possible to have BOTH for someone (obviously), but the whole idea of love gets so misconstrued in culture and media, that we don't tend to realize that there two identities are actually distinct and separate from each other.

 

(Side note: That is why the phrase "I love you but I'm not in love with you" IS NOT SOME BS LINE as everyone tends to think that it is.)

 

The concept of love, as I described above, is the same foundation of love for anyone you care about in your life, whether friends, family, or even significant others. Yes, you can love some people MORE than others, but it's still those same three points, to whatever extent it may be.

 

Basically, in terms of feeling attracted to you, he's not sure where he stands at this moment. That's where the hot and cold comes from. And that's why that is something you need to let him sort out on his own. But in terms of caring about you, that's never faltered. And I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth. He DOES care about you still. But the thing is, you can still take space from him even knowing that he cares about you.

 

Again, I'm doing the same with my ex. I know she cares about me immensely, possibly more than any of the other friends she has in her life. I understand her better than ANYONE in her life, including her family members. She and I have a bond and connection that cannot be diminished or replaced. But right now, she's incredibly hot and cold as well. And even knowing that she cares about me, and that I care about her, I'm STILL taking the time apart to let her sort through the myriad of issues she's dealing with right now. I'm still supportive of her and I still want the very best for her.

 

And though we're not friends currently, if she texts me, I'll answer whatever questions she may have for me. I'm not going to make any effort to continue conversation myself, and I'm not going to spend any time with her in person either, but I don't subscribe to the "being an a**hole and shutting someone off entirely version" of No Contact. And when one has a greater sense of understanding and awareness, I honestly don't think the "not responding entirely" tactic is necessary in the slightest. Unless doing so hurts you (always take care of #1 first), but when you get to that place of acceptance, it shouldn't hurt at all.

 

So here's what I'd like you to tell yourself: "Yes, he cares about me. He wants me to be happy. And he wants to better himself so we can have better interactions in the future. But right now, he and I both realize that he's not in the place he needs to be for us to have that. So we're going to take some time apart. It might be a month, it might be a year, it might be forever. And that's okay."

 

Because it really should be okay. You're 25 years old. Age expectancy is around 80 nowadays. You have FIFTY FIVE years of life left. That's 660 months. It's okay to sacrifice a few of those months so he can make things better for the rest of the months and years to follow. The time apart will be a small drop in the ocean that is the ENTIRETY of your life.

 

S*** sucks right now, yes. But in a few months, is any of it even going to matter? When you're in your 30s, how often will you even think about this ordeal? 40s? 50s? Etc, etc.

 

You're going to go out, and make your life as incredible as can be, without the need of a significant other to be there. And he's going to go out and do the same. And maybe some day in the future, you two will reconnect, and be able to live your awesome lives together in some capacity, and not have some sort of wicked fused relationship as it was last time around.

 

A partner should be the icing on the cake, where you want them, but never need them. So go make your cake, and ice the cake once its finished baking.

 

P.S. I highly suggest listening to the entire album of "Bad Blood" by Bastille. Read the lyrics as you listen. Feel yourself understood by Dan and the boys in the band. The sensation is amazing.

 

 

 

Boomshine,

I appreciate your response. I'm beginning to realize that everything in this situation may not be just black or white. NC is something I may have to do for myself...

 

This is where I get confused. You say he might be questioning his attraction to me but yet still cares... I do know he still cares.

 

But just 10 mins ago he sent me a big load of texts in a row saying "i'm in love with you and I want you to know that... I just have a lot going on with school and there's a lot of pressure. I also feel pressure to pay rent and am low on money because I am paying for school out of pocket. It's not you... I just need to get myself together" .... then 10 mins after that he asked me to come spend the night with him because he has tomorrow off (Columbus Day)

 

I actually did respond but I refused to go see him.

 

I finally told him, "I somewhat understand where you're coming from", but I'm still on the fence and don't want to take him so seriously.

 

To be honest, this past week he's contacted me more than ever. He's basically contacted me every single day. Not really sure how he feels or what it means... but he obviously wants to talk and be in touch.

 

He also told me he thinks I'm a little high maintenance and feels like he doesn't have the funds to do what we do when we're together,and brought up the fact that he spends over 200 dollars every time we hang out. I told him I didn't know he was upset about that and I was totally understanding to his feelings,and told him it should be 50/50... then he proceeded to say, "No, it's not like that, you're the woman... but I just can't be spending that much money" and I agreed.

 

He basically begged me to come over tonight or tomorrow to spend time with him and I told him I was working.

 

I'm not sure I'm ready to see him right now as I think I just need to see some consistency from him first. Don't know if that could happen.

 

I think for now I'm going to take my feelings away from the situation and just leave it as is and focus on myself, go out wth girlfriends and have fun when I want.

 

Despite what everyone says, I do know he cares... but I believe he's young and I'm his first real love (which he HAS SAID TO ME) and he doesn't know how to react to these feelings.

 

He told me he's NEVER gotten jealous over a girl and he never was the jealous type until he met me, and all his friends made fun of him one night because he flipped on dudes for flirting with me. He definitely was always possessive of me, so I found it weird he told me I was free to do what I want.

 

When we talked on the phone after the text messages, he wanted to clear it all up. he said "I love you and I don't want you with anyone else" and proceeded to tell me how much stress he is in right now. He told me there is ABSOLUTELY no other girl and I'm the only one and he basically just hangs out with his guy friends who he roommates with.

 

To be honest, I'm going to take a step back at this moment and not contact him at all and when he contacts me, I'm not going to jump up and respond in 2 seconds. I definitely need to take a step back. As I truly don't know what his intentions are. He says a lot of words, but I need actions. And thats why I'm not seeing him tonight or tomorrow.

[singsparkles]

But like everyone is saying, I truly am still scared of the inconsistency and the "hot and cold" ... I have a lot to figure out. He has to prove himself to me and for now I'm putting my feelings aside and stepping back.

[Boomshine]

If used correctly, going NC is almost never about being an a-hole but about protecting yourself. It's about removing yourself from an emotional situation that has the potential to send you into a downward spiral. If you have read this entire thread, you will see that the OP is involved in a very toxic situation with her ex, and pretty much everyone has suggested NC as a way for her to protect herself.

 

Yes, that I agree with. But once the emotional affectation is done on her end of things, it's not necessary for her to CONTINUE NC if she no longer wishes to, and too many people have been of the mindset of "He'll never change, give up entirely, never speak to him EVER AGAIN."

 

It's not the OP's job to decode his motives and his text messages, and there is no hidden message. He obviously has no intention of being in a relationship with her, but he would like to keep her around for sex, an ego stroke, a shoulder to cry on, whatever else. There's no need for her to go to any lengths to get a deeper understanding of what is a simple situation.

When she made the post including the text message he sent her, she LITERALLY asked for understanding. Understanding leads to empathy, empathy leads to coping, and coping leads to moving on. You are simply looking at the situation in the present and acting as if that will be the case forever, and that is your ultimate weakness in this situation. Pigeonholing her into the same state of mind will only cause her to adopt your flaw as her own, and make it so that the only way she can move on from this situation is to hold anger in her heart.

 

Empathy and understanding, even for your enemies, former paramours, or whomever, will get you MUCH further than a surface-level reading of a situation and making a snap-judgment based off of it.

 

You cannot be understanding while you are being judgmental.

You cannot be judgmental while you are being understanding.

 

In the last 18 months, I've helped 20+ people recovering from breakups using this same mentality that I'm using here. Every single one has gone from being miserable, hating the world, and dying to have their former lover back to being a whole, well-rounded, complete being once again, loving themselves, and having a higher sense of confidence, self-esteem, self-assurance, and positive outlook of the world. And they were able to do that while holding a very minimal amount of anger and vitriol toward their ex.

 

Understanding is key. There is PLENTY of need to gather a deeper understanding, not only for this particular situation, but any situations that may arise with other lovers later in her life, or even for the sake of being able to help friends who may go through a similar situation. Life isn't just about "getting by." If she wants to understand, LET HER. It's her thing.

[singsparkles]

Why There?s No Point Being With Somebody Who Blows Hot & Cold | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

Read this blog post. It explains it better than I can.

 

 

 

BC,

 

Thank you so much for the article. I read a lot of it and it's very eye opening and I can pretty much relate to everything that's said. I went through everything, every point they brought up.

 

I'm very confused right now, as you can see from my last posts.

 

I'm so torn. He keeps telling me he loves me and he's just stressed about a lot and he apologized to me.

 

Then again, I'm scared of the hot and cold.. I know I can't deal with it.

 

I think I'm going to approach it from a different way this time... I'm going to watch his actions, and wait to see if he shows some consistency. If he shows consistency, I will open up again. But for now, I am closed.

 

If he doesn't show consistency, I am going complete NC.

 

This is literally his last chance. Not even sure if he deserves it, but I guess I need to give it just one last chance after everything he said (whether what he said was BS or not, I have no clue)

 

but one thing is I won't let myself get walked on. If I feel it happening, I will cut off all ties real quick.

 

I'm also not taking him seriously right now. I feel he needs to prove a lot to me.

[BC1980]

BC,

 

Thank you so much for the article. I read a lot of it and it's very eye opening and I can pretty much relate to everything that's said. I went through everything, every point they brought up.

 

I'm very confused right now, as you can see from my last posts.

 

I'm so torn. He keeps telling me he loves me and he's just stressed about a lot and he apologized to me.

 

Then again, I'm scared of the hot and cold.. I know I can't deal with it.

 

I think I'm going to approach it from a different way this time... I'm going to watch his actions, and wait to see if he shows some consistency. If he shows consistency, I will open up again. But for now, I am closed.

 

If he doesn't show consistency, I am going complete NC.

 

This is literally his last chance. Not even sure if he deserves it, but I guess I need to give it just one last chance after everything he said (whether what he said was BS or not, I have no clue)

 

but one thing is I won't let myself get walked on. If I feel it happening, I will cut off all ties real quick.

 

I'm also not taking him seriously right now. I feel he needs to prove a lot to me.

 

I can only give advice. You will do what you wish. The situation is pretty black and white though. I suppose Boomshine would have us believe there is some complexity afoot that is waiting to be discovered, but this is just the same old story, on repeat every week on LS.

[BC1980]

Yes, that I agree with. But once the emotional affectation is done on her end of things, it's not necessary for her to CONTINUE NC if she no longer wishes to, and too many people have been of the mindset of "He'll never change, give up entirely, never speak to him EVER AGAIN."

 

When she made the post including the text message he sent her, she LITERALLY asked for understanding. Understanding leads to empathy, empathy leads to coping, and coping leads to moving on. You are simply looking at the situation in the present and acting as if that will be the case forever, and that is your ultimate weakness in this situation. Pigeonholing her into the same state of mind will only cause her to adopt your flaw as her own, and make it so that the only way she can move on from this situation is to hold anger in her heart.

 

Empathy and understanding, even for your enemies, former paramours, or whomever, will get you MUCH further than a surface-level reading of a situation and making a snap-judgment based off of it.

 

You cannot be understanding while you are being judgmental.

You cannot be judgmental while you are being understanding.

 

In the last 18 months, I've helped 20+ people recovering from breakups using this same mentality that I'm using here. Every single one has gone from being miserable, hating the world, and dying to have their former lover back to being a whole, well-rounded, complete being once again, loving themselves, and having a higher sense of confidence, self-esteem, self-assurance, and positive outlook of the world. And they were able to do that while holding a very minimal amount of anger and vitriol toward their ex.

 

Understanding is key. There is PLENTY of need to gather a deeper understanding, not only for this particular situation, but any situations that may arise with other lovers later in her life, or even for the sake of being able to help friends who may go through a similar situation. Life isn't just about "getting by." If she wants to understand, LET HER. It's her thing.

 

That was deep (cough). Anyway, I fail to see how investing that much time and energy into an ex's motives could possibly help anyone move on. We'll agree to disagree.

[lauri]

Seriously, think of all of the effort it would take to fix this situation if there was any slight chance of him wanting you (which it doesn't seem so).

 

You could continue to spend all this time and energy, like you currently are, trying to figure this out and trying to find a way back in. I honestly think that if you took a step back and got over this guy, which I know you can, you'd be better off to spend the time and effort on someone who will make you happy and not have to worry about anything.

 

You're going to be fine but being around someone who is confused and doesn't know what they want is only toxic and unfair for you.

[Boomshine]

That was deep (cough). Anyway, I fail to see how investing that much time and energy into an ex's motives could possibly help anyone move on. We'll agree to disagree.

 

It helps because it puts the questions to rest. You no longer spend any time, consciously or subconsciously, wondering WHY the situation is what it is. Understanding is a huge part of acceptance. People who skip that step never reach a true level of acceptance.

 

Seriously, think of all of the effort it would take to fix this situation if there was any slight chance of him wanting you (which it doesn't seem so).

 

You could continue to spend all this time and energy, like you currently are, trying to figure this out and trying to find a way back in. I honestly think that if you took a step back and got over this guy, which I know you can, you'd be better off to spend the time and effort on someone who will make you happy and not have to worry about anything.

 

You're going to be fine but being around someone who is confused and doesn't know what they want is only toxic and unfair for you.

 

I don't get that she's trying to find a way back in. She's trying to figure it out, sure, as that's all part of the reflection phase of a breakup. But she's stated multiple times she doesn't want him back.

 

She's not being around him, she's not spending time with him, and HE'S the only one making effort to reach out to her. Honestly, she's doing very damn well throughout all of this right now.

[Boomshine]

I can only give advice. You will do what you wish. The situation is pretty black and white though. I suppose Boomshine would have us believe there is some complexity afoot that is waiting to be discovered, but this is just the same old story, on repeat every week on LS.

 

No, there's no complexity left undiscovered. It's all been established at this point, and just a matter of waiting for Sparkles to be able to put all the puzzle pieces together to see the bigger picture. She's getting there, but you can't rush the process. Just wait to see where she is in a week or two from now.

[littleblacksubmarine]

I've always tried to be completely neutral on the subject of your ex. I don't know his motives or his feelings, in fact I don't know anything about him except what you've told me, and you aren't a reliable source. Anybody that tells you anything about how your ex is feeling, or why he acts a certain way, is purely voicing an opinion. These opinions could be accurate, but as you have no way of confirming them, they aren't really useful.

 

My opinions are about how to best cope with your situation, with your ex being completely irrelevant to it. This is important as you can control your own actions, but you cannot control his. I have these opinions based on what I have found to work for me, and on what appears to have worked for other people.

 

I advise you to go NC to allow you both to get some breathing space, resolve your feelings, regroup, and place more importance in other aspects of your life. A relationship should only ever be a part of your life, and if it is removed there should still be plenty left. This will be the case for you, but you can't see it now as you are viewing your romantic life as the most important thing. As such you are ignoring everything else in your life because of this. Just take a step back from it, at least for a month, with complete NC, to focus on other things.

 

It's not about revenge on your ex, at this stage it isn't even about getting over them or getting them back, it's purely about regrouping. After a month you should have more clarity, less emotion flying around and will be better equipped to decide how to continue. You can't achieve complete NC if you can still receive calls from him, even if you don't respond it is still contact. If he keeps calling you then the only way to achieve this is to block him. 10 unanswered calls in one day indicates that he also is not thinking rationally, therefore engaging him right now is unlikely to lead anywhere productive.

 

Blocking isn't permanent, you can undo it, but it is something that you need to do if you want to go properly NC. In my opinion that is the best thing you can do for at least the next month, regardless of what your ultimate goal is.

[singsparkles]

To be honest with you,

 

 

I'm beginning to think that everyone on this thread is a little bit right.

 

I'm beginning to see that this situation may not be black or white.

 

And it's true... right now he is not in a place in his life to care about my feelings deeply or go out of his way to treat me right. And should I wait around for him? Maybe not.

 

We were on the phone for a half an hour last night... he started asking about how my mom is doing after her hip surgery... I started talking about her and going into depth and he cut me off and said, "can I call you back?" and I said "yes" ...and guess what? It's been almost 24 hours since I've heard from him. He never called me back.

 

It's like the only reason he called was to ask me to come see him, and when I said I couldn't, he wasn't THAT interested anymore... I don't know, maybe it's just me.

 

I'm trying to step back and maybe just let him breathe and see what happens.

 

I know this might sound A BIT immature, and I might get scolded for this... but I have it in my mind that next time he calls me I am going to say "I have to go, I'll call you back in a little" in the middle of the convo, and not call back. Sometimes I wonder how HE would REACT to the things HE does to ME. I'm just very curious if it would effect him or not.

 

Once again, it's a holiday and I haven't heard from him. He told me he has no school and didn't have to work. I havent tried calling. But I did send him a message saying I'm disappointed he never follows through with his word, but I said, "I'm not mad, it's cool"

 

I don't think I know how I feel about this situation either and I'm beginning to realize I'm in the same shoes as him. I need to figure out what I want, and if this is even worth it. I don't know right now.

 

I agree with everyone who says NC... Maybe that is the best thing to do, even if it's for just right now.

 

Changes are not being made, and like a few of you said, sometimes change can only take place if you change and the other person changes...

 

Maybe time apart would give us time to work on ourselves and figure out if we want to find our way back to eachother.

 

I know I don't wanna be an idiot waiting on a phone call that never comes every night.

 

He told me last night on the phone that he was "IN LOVE with me" and I asked him if he was serious and he said "yes"

 

The reason why I asked, is because his actions just don't match up with his words most of the time... Although when he said he loved me, his voice really seemed genuine.

 

I'm beginning to also realize I'm dealing with a "kid" ... he's a loot younger than me, only 21 turning 22, and I'm 25, and sometimes just in those few years, people change DRAMATICALLY.

 

I love the time we spend together when we're together; I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. He makes me feel like a beautiful princess. But when we're apart, he disappears ... and he's right, he does need to change and I understand if he doesnt want to be with me right now because he's actually being an adult in actually coming to realization that he CAN'T give me what I desire right now.

 

Time will only tell I guess.....

 

Taking my emotions out of the situation for now....

 

 

Thank you all for your support and advice through this, I appreciate all of you, you've been life savors...

 

 

Big hugs!!!!

xxx

[Simon Phoenix]

It's like it goes in one ear and out the other. Why you are still talking to this guy is beyond me, but hey, maybe you need to be drug through the mud and thrown in a roadside ditch a few more times before you actually do the right thing and block this guy. What you are doing right now is completely counterproductive and a waste of your time, but obviously you aren't ready to move forward and recover. Sounds like you want to bash your head against a brick wall a few more times first. All I can say is best of luck -- until you take the proper steps to get out of this neverending cycle, you're going to need it.

[lauri]

As I said earlier, look at all the thoughts, time and effort you are putting into this. This guy is just jerking your chain and playing games with you - he knows exactly what he is doing. I can read through everything he is doing..to be honest its working and keeping you hooked.

 

Judging by whay you wrote and his reaction to you not wanting to meet up, he's contacting you to get action. I think that you need to back out of this situation and not even have these conversations.

 

He may be saying the right things but he isn't backing up his words with the right actions. You need to let this go and never go back. I'm positive you can find another guy who will challenge you in the right way and treat you a lot better.

 

I understand this is tough for you but don't continue to talk to this dude. He's wasting your time.

[me85]

I'm sorry Sparkles, but he just wants sex. You are his all time go to girl when all else fails him.

 

I was treated this way. The cycle stops when you stop and say "no more."

[movingonnow1]

I'm sorry Sparkles, but he just wants sex. You are his all time go to girl when all else fails him.

 

I was treated this way. The cycle stops when you stop and say "no more."

 

I agree with this completely.

 

Sparkles, have you been hooking up with him since the breakup? All of his actions appear like you have and he's coming back for a no strings attached situation with you. He is keeping you ropped so he can get sex and have zero comittment. Then when things fail / he finds someone new, he can clearly say you two were not together so you have no reason to be upset.

 

Trust me, get out now.

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm sorry Sparkles, but he just wants sex. You are his all time go to girl when all else fails him.

 

I was treated this way. The cycle stops when you stop and say "no more."

 

It really is this simple and "black and white". He sees sparkles as an easy mark and a sure thing because, quite frankly, she is at this point. Basically, this situation is a straight line but sparkles is trying to make it as complicated as a Rubik's Cube. The mental gymnastics she has going on to try to make this what she wants this to be are substantial right now.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Wow, I thought this guy was just doing typical jerk-y ex stuff with his text messages. Turns out he's way worse.

 

Sparkles, a guy who says he's in love with you but repeatedly tells you he can't be with you is not a good person. Someone who is truly in love would not tell you you deserve someone else. If he genuinely wanted to be with you he would be at your doorstep, flowers in hand, telling you he wants you back in his life. Unless he says "I want to try again", he doesn't actually want to try again. It's that simple.

 

Right now he's desperate for you to pity him so he doesn't completely lose you as an option. He knows if you hate him he won't ever be able to reach out again. He is just trying to make sure you stay on the line when he needs you for sex, an ego boost, a back-up in case a new girl doesn't work out, etc.

 

You are better than someone's Plan B. Block him.

[irresolute]

Gezzz... he is a psycho. I only read the first 2 pages but I can tell hes no good. It reminds me of my ex. They like games, they go jot and cold, they want you but they dont want you...what a scumbag.

 

Move on. He will never change, he has issues and you will be better without him. Ill read the rest of your thread but its so painful to read because i was in your situation and i know ypure hurting....be strong. No contact.

[me85]

Sparkles, I really hope you think about what the last 4 posters have said (including what I have said above.)

 

NO ONE was more pathetic when it came to their ex - than I was. So please don't think I'm out to get it or judging you. I'm certainly not.

 

I just have this need to take you under my wing. You are so vulnerable and weak for this guy. Hey, no one understands that more than me. I became this broken girl who lived in a sad miserable puddle. It. was. sad.

 

This is what is the most difficult for us to accept : that they do not love us. They do not want us. Everything they tell us is a lie. It's a lie Sparkles. He's a liar.

 

I'd love to be wrong about that. I really would, for your sake. Because I know you're so heartbroken. I don't think I am though. The only reason I know is because I've experienced the same thing. My ex did the same exact things to me. It's all an attempt to keep you under his thumb.

[singsparkles]

I agree with this completely.

 

Sparkles, have you been hooking up with him since the breakup? All of his actions appear like you have and he's coming back for a no strings attached situation with you. He is keeping you ropped so he can get sex and have zero comittment. Then when things fail / he finds someone new, he can clearly say you two were not together so you have no reason to be upset.

 

Trust me, get out now.

 

 

 

movingonnow,

 

I am being absolutely honest with you when I say we rarely hook up when we hang out. That's what makes it even more weird... like he's not an overly sexual person and when we were dating I was always more sexual with him...

 

I'm beginning to think hes just young and all he does it watch sports and hang out with guys. Last night when he called I heard his friends yelling at the TV for Monday night football...

 

I don't know , you guys would have to know him to know...

 

But I'm starting to think he may be using me for gratification and to make himself feel better...definitely...and honestly that hurts. I want to freaking cry. Why does he say hes in love with me, then keep doing this?

 

I will never, ever understand. I hate being yo-yo'd with...

 

and yes, all of you may be completely right.

 

I guess I will probably learn the hard way since I'm trying to see if giving him space works... I don't know what the HELL i'm doing anymore (to put it in a nice way)... I don't even know how I feel or think.

 

Thanks for your support,

Hugs

xxx

[Simon Phoenix]

movingonnow,

 

I am being absolutely honest with you when I say we rarely hook up when we hang out. That's what makes it even more weird... like he's not an overly sexual person and when we were dating I was always more sexual with him...

 

I'm beginning to think hes just young and all he does it watch sports and hang out with guys. Last night when he called I heard his friends yelling at the TV for Monday night football...

 

I don't know , you guys would have to know him to know...

 

But I'm starting to think he may be using me for gratification and to make himself feel better...definitely...and honestly that hurts. I want to freaking cry. Why does he say hes in love with me, then keep doing this?

 

I will never, ever understand. I hate being yo-yo'd with...

 

and yes, all of you may be completely right.

 

I guess I will probably learn the hard way since I'm trying to see if giving him space works... I don't know what the HELL i'm doing anymore (to put it in a nice way)... I don't even know how I feel or think.

 

Thanks for your support,

Hugs

xxx

 

What you are doing is completely counterproductive to you recovering, or finding a good relationship, or anything. You really need to stop playing games, take a stand, and block him. Not in a week, not in an hour, right now. You are trying to play games that you have no idea or no ability to play and you are getting destroyed. You need to stop the lunacy.

[singsparkles]

Sparkles, I really hope you think about what the last 4 posters have said (including what I have said above.)

 

NO ONE was more pathetic when it came to their ex - than I was. So please don't think I'm out to get it or judging you. I'm certainly not.

 

I just have this need to take you under my wing. You are so vulnerable and weak for this guy. Hey, no one understands that more than me. I became this broken girl who lived in a sad miserable puddle. It. was. sad.

 

This is what is the most difficult for us to accept : that they do not love us. They do not want us. Everything they tell us is a lie. It's a lie Sparkles. He's a liar.

 

I'd love to be wrong about that. I really would, for your sake. Because I know you're so heartbroken. I don't think I am though. The only reason I know is because I've experienced the same thing. My ex did the same exact things to me. It's all an attempt to keep you under his thumb.

 

 

 

Me85,

 

In NO way did I ever take what you said harshly... You've truly been there since the beginning and have been an amazing support. I am so thankful for you and your advice.

 

I agree. I am weak and can't think straight... I can't help but think theres more to this situation.

 

I judge myself harshly and am so hard on myself because he thought I cheated on him in June, and thats when he stopped treating me like a princess. He was an absolute gentleman up to that day.

 

And I guess I'm hard on myself because when his friends would flirt with me, sometimes I would flirt back. And That in itself, makes me feel horrible and like I owe him something, and maybe thats why I take the beating.

 

But I'm miserable. Absolutely miserable. This game makes me horribly depressed and yes my heart is SHATTERED.

 

I know you can relate and I know you've been through it... but you got through the situation and thats why I cherish your advice so so much.

 

I'm trying to do the right thing. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt right now, but theres only so much I can take...

 

I guess this is his last chance. And for now, I'm going to treat him as he treats me.

 

I have a feeling pretty soon I'll probably be coming to realization that itll never work and I'm like 75% sure of that... but I guess I need to learn the hard way and watch his actions for atleast another month , then make my decision.

 

I'm so confused and discombobulated.

 

Thanks so much for your support...it means the world and more!!!

xxxx

[singsparkles]

Gezzz... he is a psycho. I only read the first 2 pages but I can tell hes no good. It reminds me of my ex. They like games, they go jot and cold, they want you but they dont want you...what a scumbag.

 

Move on. He will never change, he has issues and you will be better without him. Ill read the rest of your thread but its so painful to read because i was in your situation and i know ypure hurting....be strong. No contact.

 

 

 

Thank you for your reply, love!

 

It means a lot to hear someone whos been in the same situation. I'm beginning to think you and everyone are right; but unfortunately, I may have to learn the hard way. I'm going to give him another month and if iis the same, it's definitely NC and no going back. In my mind, I guess for my own reasons, I need to give him atleast a month more just for the pure fact that he thought I cheated on him (but I didnt) and I beat myself up for that and think he just treats me that way bc he thinks I did that.

 

Maybe I'm too hard on myself... I don't know.

 

But I'm sure NC will be implemented in a month, 75% sure... I guess I just need to give it a month more for my own reasons, and it's just SO HARD to explain why....

 

I guess I got suckered into the "I'm in love with you" line... who knows.

 

I just want everyone to know I am doing what I need to do...but I will do the right thing in the end. I just have stuff remaining that I need to sort out and I need to know how he really feels and where he's coming from.

 

I think I need to see him in person one last time and talk... bc he lives in a state away. I Think talking in person and not in text message and phone would do a world of wonders...

 

Thanks for your reply, and I will keep you updated...

 

I'm giving it a month. and if it's the same, there's no more doing this. This is his last chance to prove me wrong... I'll prob be back to tell you all you were right. and at that point I'll have to deal with truly COPING and dealing with NC. Time will tell....

 

 

Hugs,

xxx