Ex is so hot and cold, rougher tonight/in more pain than usual (Updated)

[singsparkles]

People are not trying to hurt you, they are giving you a dose of reality.

 

I was with my ex gf for 6 years. Dated officially for 2.5 years.

 

I was like you at one point of my life. I didn't want to believe them either. I wanted to believe that my ex gf was "different" and she can change. She didn't. I got rejected and walked over for a second time.

 

I know what is like to feel loved, and at the same time i know what its like to feel completely useless and lost.

 

We are here to help you. My heart truly goes out to you. You deserve better. We all do (including myself I hope).

 

 

 

I totally understand, but I am seriously hurt by what has been said tonight. My heart is aching even more and I'm crying my eyes out.

 

I understand my ex might be the biggest idiot and I'm a loser for going along with him.

 

People make it seem like if I was different, he might love me?? and bc I'm somewhat weak when it comes to him, he will never love me? and will only fall in love with a "strong woman"??

 

I really feel like hitting this computer screen. That is so messed up!

 

Thank you for caring and understanding...

[Zahara]

I can take advice, even tough advice when it comes to this situation...

 

But when people take it to the point of calling me names like "dumb" and "stupid"and "weak", it's not very cool anymore.

 

I don't think they mean that you are dumb, stupid or weak but the decisions that you are making are coming from a very negative place. I think it was said that you are acting that way, not that overall you're a dumb and stupid person.

[Zahara]

So this situation is my fault?

 

So maybe he would love me if I TAUGHT him how to treat me????

 

 

Smh....

 

No one said it is your fault. But when a man mistreats you, the thing to do is to block and remove yourself, especially one you claim to be narcissistic.

 

And no, when I say you teach people how to treat you, it means that when you accept mistreatment and you allow it, you're teaching them that mistreatment is tolerated and accepted. A lesson for the future.

 

You need to stop being defensive and start being open minded to what people are telling you.

[singsparkles]

No one said it is your fault. But when a man mistreats you, the thing to do is to block and remove yourself, especially one you claim to be narcissistic.

 

And no, when I say you teach people how to treat you, it means that when you accept mistreatment and you allow it, you're teaching them that mistreatment is tolerated and accepted. A lesson for the future.

 

You need to stop being defensive and start being open minded to what people are telling you.

 

 

Thanks for the support. I get it...

[BC1980]

So this situation is my fault?

 

So maybe he would love me if I TAUGHT him how to treat me????

 

 

Smh....

 

No, you would have been able to weed him out by identifying him as a bad relationship potential. If you had stood up for yourself, he likely wouldn't want much to do with you, which would have been a good thing.

[Simon Phoenix]

It sort of hurts that people look at me like I have no strength yet don't know what I do when he treats me like he does. I don't just let stuff slide. Yes, I may have stuck around too long... but I'm no doormat when he does what he does. I am the biggest b*tch you could ever meet.

 

Then why do you put up with this? Being a "bitch" loses its effectiveness if you keep coming back for more and keep encouraging the behavior by sticking around. I'll give you an example:

 

When I was younger my mom would fly off the handle from time to time when I wouldn't clean my room. She'd go off and tear my room apart in a display of anger. The first time she did that I was like "holy crap, I better clean my room". But every time she would do that, she would eventually put all my stuff in my room and clean it up. So it got to the point where my mom acting like a "bitch" didn't affect me at all because I knew that all I had to do was wait for her to calm down and she'd fix everything for me. Finally, she picked up on what I was doing and took a completely different approach. Needless to say, I started cleaning my room with more regularity after that. But my mom being a "bitch" had no effect because she ended up trying to fix it, taking away any effect it might have had.

[singsparkles]

No, you would have been able to weed him out by identifying him as a bad relationship potential. If you had stood up for yourself, he likely wouldn't want much to do with you, which would have been a good thing.

 

 

 

Thank you, BC...

 

Because I feel like a few people on here are making it seem like if I was "emotionally stronger" and "stood up for myself", he would want me, because "guys like him like strong women" ...

 

How much more sh*tty can you make me feel by saying that?

 

I'm glad atleast one person sees it my way...

 

A bad guy is a bad guy. No woman can change a bad guy, no matter how "strong" she is.

[singsparkles]

Then why do you put up with this? Being a "bitch" loses its effectiveness if you keep coming back for more and keep encouraging the behavior by sticking around. I'll give you an example:

 

When I was younger my mom would fly off the handle from time to time when I wouldn't clean my room. She'd go off and tear my room apart in a display of anger. The first time she did that I was like "holy crap, I better clean my room". But every time she would do that, she would eventually put all my stuff in my room and clean it up. So it got to the point where my mom acting like a "bitch" didn't affect me at all because I knew that all I had to do was wait for her to calm down and she'd fix everything for me. Finally, she picked up on what I was doing and took a completely different approach. Needless to say, I started cleaning my room with more regularity after that. But my mom being a "bitch" had no effect because she ended up trying to fix it, taking away any effect it might have had.

 

 

 

I totally agree with you and I see the concept you're trying to make...

 

My point is, if I have to change myself for someone to like me, then I want nothing to do with them...

 

I think my vulnerability is beautiful and one day someone is going to appreciate it.

 

He tells me he loves my big heart and vulnerability and thinks I'm an amazing person.. but that doesn't make him a good person.

 

I just can't relate to the fact that he would fall in love with a "strong woman" ... I really don't see him falling in love with anyone with how he acts sometimes.

 

I'm not going to put myself down for being emotionally vulnerable bc it makes me look bad and I can't "train" men to be who I want them to be.

 

I want a man who I could love for them, who I don't have to change for.

 

This guy seemed like he loved everything about me at one point, including my crazy emotionalness and big huge heart.

 

He just changed... or maybe turned into the real him... and I was still stuck on who I thought he was and basically still am.

 

I'm trying.... you guys don't understand but I am...

 

Right now I wish I had a punching back.

 

I'm pissed. He hasn't called me all day, again.

 

And all of you are correct when you say I need to lose touch with him.

 

I'm sorry I get defensive... it's just that this situation is putting me in a lot of heartache and depression.

 

I don't wanna believe he's this bad person.. but I see his actions, I'm not dumb... I know. I'm just in denial.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thank you, BC...

 

Because I feel like a few people on here are making it seem like if I was "emotionally stronger" and "stood up for myself", he would want me, because "guys like him like strong women" ...

 

How much more sh*tty can you make me feel by saying that?

 

I'm glad atleast one person sees it my way...

 

A bad guy is a bad guy. No woman can change a bad guy, no matter how "strong" she is.

 

Nah, I don't think you could have made him the way that you want him to be. But you wouldn't have wasted (and continue to waste) the amount of time you have if you had better boundaries. It might not necessarily be that you are completely weak, you just have never set appropriate boundaries with me and while you might complain to them, it takes you too long to realize a spade is a spade and instead of being a "bitch", that you just need to bounce. You said earlier in the thread that your brother has emotionally appealed to you to change your screening process on men. I think constructing boundaries would go a long way in doing that.

[Simon Phoenix]

I totally agree with you and I see the concept you're trying to make...

 

My point is, if I have to change myself for someone to like me, then I want nothing to do with them...

 

I think my vulnerability is beautiful and one day someone is going to appreciate it.

 

He tells me he loves my big heart and vulnerability and thinks I'm an amazing person.. but that doesn't make him a good person.

 

I just can't relate to the fact that he would fall in love with a "strong woman" ... I really don't see him falling in love with anyone with how he acts sometimes.

 

I'm not going to put myself down for being emotionally vulnerable bc it makes me look bad and I can't "train" men to be who I want them to be.

 

I want a man who I could love for them, who I don't have to change for.

 

This guy seemed like he loved everything about me at one point, including my crazy emotionalness and big huge heart.

 

He just changed... or maybe turned into the real him... and I was still stuck on who I thought he was and basically still am.

 

I'm trying.... you guys don't understand but I am...

 

Right now I wish I had a punching back.

 

I'm pissed. He hasn't called me all day, again.

 

And all of you are correct when you say I need to lose touch with him.

 

I'm sorry I get defensive... it's just that this situation is putting me in a lot of heartache and depression.

 

I don't wanna believe he's this bad person.. but I see his actions, I'm not dumb... I know. I'm just in denial.

 

I think you're missing the point a bit. You don't need to be strong to get "him", you need to be strong to get away from him and find someone more suitable. Absolutely no one in this thread wants you to have anything to do with him -- I'm not sure where you get that we are saying you have to be strong to make yourself suitable for him. You have to make yourself strong so you aren't settling for dudes like him.

[singsparkles]

Nah, I don't think you could have made him the way that you want him to be. But you wouldn't have wasted (and continue to waste) the amount of time you have if you had better boundaries. It might not necessarily be that you are completely weak, you just have never set appropriate boundaries with me and while you might complain to them, it takes you too long to realize a spade is a spade and instead of being a "bitch", that you just need to bounce. You said earlier in the thread that your brother has emotionally appealed to you to change your screening process on men. I think constructing boundaries would go a long way in doing that.

 

 

 

Agreed, Simon Phoenix.

 

Actually,

my friends all tell me I'm the kind of girl that always gets approached by "nice guys" and I'm constantly turning them down and going for the "bad guys"

 

I know I need to change my ways when it comes to men...

 

My family and friends can't stand to see me keep going through this same cycle.

 

I had a guy who graduated from Yale with a business degree, he was 28 (3 yrs older than me) and was completely in love with me... And I never gave him the attention

 

All my friends and family were pissed at me. I always let go of good opportunities... maybe bc I'm so used to being treated bad that when I get treated good, I always push those guys away.

 

I realize I do have a lot of changing to do...

 

And yeah, just maybe NC needs to happen now. I just had a good cry and thought about a lot and came up with an epiphany...

 

You are all right. I'm just in complete denial and I want to see the best in him SOOO bad that I'm fighting all the truths.

[singsparkles]

I think you're missing the point a bit. You don't need to be strong to get "him", you need to be strong to get away from him and find someone more suitable. Absolutely no one in this thread wants you to have anything to do with him -- I'm not sure where you get that we are saying you have to be strong to make yourself suitable for him. You have to make yourself strong so you aren't settling for dudes like him.

 

 

 

Me, personally, never said I had to be strong to get him.

 

I was quoting someone else who commented on this thread.

 

I never said that.

 

I agree with you.

[Simon Phoenix]

Agreed, Simon Phoenix.

 

Actually,

my friends all tell me I'm the kind of girl that always gets approached by "nice guys" and I'm constantly turning them down and going for the "bad guys"

 

I know I need to change my ways when it comes to men...

 

My family and friends can't stand to see me keep going through this same cycle.

 

I had a guy who graduated from Yale with a business degree, he was 28 (3 yrs older than me) and was completely in love with me... And I never gave him the attention

 

All my friends and family were pissed at me. I always let go of good opportunities... maybe bc I'm so used to being treated bad that when I get treated good, I always push those guys away.

 

I realize I do have a lot of changing to do...

 

And yeah, just maybe NC needs to happen now. I just had a good cry and thought about a lot and came up with an epiphany...

 

You are all right. I'm just in complete denial and I want to see the best in him SOOO bad that I'm fighting all the truths.

 

Yeah, I don't think you need to completely change who you're attracted to, i think you just need to have a better idea of when something isn't right and be willing to completely remove yourself from that.

[singsparkles]

Yeah, I don't think you need to completely change who you're attracted to, i think you just need to have a better idea of when something isn't right and be willing to completely remove yourself from that.

 

 

Yeah... I should've removed myself in July when I saw that he could go a whole month without talking to me with no qualms.

[Zahara]

Because I feel like a few people on here are making it seem like if I was "emotionally stronger" and "stood up for myself", he would want me, because "guys like him like strong women" ....

 

Quite the opposite. Enforcing and instilling boundaries in staying away from a guys like him. I'm not sure why you interpret things as you having to be strong to be accepted.

[singsparkles]

Quite the opposite. Enforcing and instilling boundaries in staying away from a guys like him. I'm not sure why you interpret things as you having to be strong to be accepted.

 

 

I never interpreted anything from anything anyone has said. I was seeing it EXACTLY how they said it, and a couple pages ago on this thread, a girl told me "guys like him fall for strong women. you're weak, honey, give him up"

[Simon Phoenix]

I never interpreted anything from anything anyone has said. I was seeing it EXACTLY how they said it, and a couple pages ago on this thread, a girl told me "guys like him fall for strong women. you're weak, honey, give him up"

 

Yeah, that was a bit of a voice in the wilderness. If anything, guys like him go for weaker girls that they can manipulate and have at their convenience.

[Zahara]

I never interpreted anything from anything anyone has said. I was seeing it EXACTLY how they said it, and a couple pages ago on this thread, a girl told me "guys like him fall for strong women. you're weak, honey, give him up"

 

Men with narcissistic tendencies don't go for strong women. They go for weak women, that they can manipulate and control.

[singsparkles]

Yeah, that was a bit of a voice in the wilderness. If anything, guys like him go for weaker girls that they can manipulate and have at their convenience.

 

 

Thats exactly what my mom says. Guys like him go for girls they can manipulate.

 

If I acted any stronger, I probably wouldn't have lasted this long with him.

 

I know it's time to change.

[singsparkles]

Men with narcissistic tendencies don't go for strong women. They go for weak women, that they can manipulate and control.

 

 

Exactly... I agree...

 

 

That's why the one post this girl posted in this thread really hurt me and I felt like those words were a little belittling.

 

But it's okay. Everyone has their opinion.

 

I obviously need to stay away from him. It's once again been 24 hrs since I've heard from him and he said he would "call me back" ...and his phone is off.

 

Can't deal anymore.

[BC1980]

OP, being vulnerable is a good thing, but you need a better screening process in deciding who to be vulnerable with. People need to earn your vulnerability by their actions. You should open up to someone who shows you trust and respect, not this guy. You end up getting burned and taken advantage of if you open up to just anyone.

[singsparkles]

OP, being vulnerable is a good thing, but you need a better screening process in deciding who to be vulnerable with. People need to earn your vulnerability by their actions. You should open up to someone who shows you trust and respect, not this guy. You end up getting burned and taken advantage of if you open up to just anyone.

 

 

BC,

I totally agree. :-) I think vulnerability is a beautiful thing, but I do need to learn where to give it out because I havent been doing such a good job.

 

I guess everything is a lesson learned...

 

I hope I choose wisely in the future and learn from this and hopefully the next person I'm vulnerable with will not only appreciate it, but will open themselves up and be vulnerable with me as well.

 

xoxo

[SoThatHappened]

Guys like him go for girls they can manipulate.

After viewing the last round of selfies you just added to your album, I can see why "guys like him" go for you.

 

I say this with no ill intentions whatsoever, but you're the type of girl (physically) that attracts guys like him.

 

You don't give "nice guys" the chance because you want (and can get) bad boys as well as other guys. You have options, and some women choose the 'interesting' bad boy option for the potential adventure he can provide.

 

You've mentioned your ex was a jerk. Well, assets like yours... ahem... aren't smart bombs. They're more like carpet-bombing (yeah... military reference, I know)

 

You're going to attract the good dude who sees you as well as the creep looking to hit it and quit it. Way too much power for women to have, in my opinion, but I digress. Unfortunately, the good dudes are probably intimidated and as mentioned, the bad boys are looking to just have fun.

 

You blow off the good guy because he may be stable and boring. Maybe you need to change that a little since you're now in your late 20's.

 

know it's time to change.

As I mentioned, not so eloquently maybe, you need to change your picker. Stop picking bad boys with a million things you want to fix about them and can blow you off at the drop of a hat.

 

Fix your picker and find a good guy that blows the player/badass out of the water. You'll be much happier.

 

Also, and no offense to you whatsoever, but good guys aren't that attracted to women who take selfies with duck-faces 10 times a day. Take the focus off of projecting your looks and put it into improving your personality. Looks fade. Personalities are what seal the deal for attraction in both sexes.

 

You've got the looks, work on the personality and other improvements, and you'll land a guy that suits you instead of players.

Edited October 14, 2014 by SoThatHappened

[singsparkles]

After viewing the last round of selfies you just added to your album, I can see why "guys like him" go for you.

 

I say this with no ill intentions whatsoever, but you're the type of girl (physically) that attracts guys like him.

 

You don't give "nice guys" the chance because you want (and can get) bad boys as well as other guys. You have options, and some women choose the 'interesting' bad boy option for the potential adventure he can provide.

 

You've mentioned your ex was a jerk. Well, assets like yours... ahem... aren't smart bombs. They're more like carpet-bombing (yeah... military reference, I know)

 

You're going to attract the good dude who sees you as well as the creep looking to hit it and quit it. Way too much power for women to have, in my opinion, but I digress. Unfortunately, the good dudes are probably intimidated and as mentioned, the bad boys are looking to just have fun.

 

You blow off the good guy because he may be stable and boring. Maybe you need to change that a little since you're now in your late 20's.

 

As I mentioned, not so eloquently maybe, you need to change your picker. Stop picking bad boys with a million things you want to fix about them and can blow you off at the drop of a hat.

 

Fix your picker and find a good guy that blows the player/badass out of the water. You'll be much happier.

 

Also, and no offense to you whatsoever, but good guys aren't that attracted to women who take selfies with duck-faces 10 times a day. Take the focus off of projecting your looks and put it into improving your personality. Looks fade. Personalities are what seal the deal for attraction in both sexes.

 

You've got the looks, work on the personality and other improvements, and you'll land a guy that suits you instead of players.

 

 

 

I'm sorry... but who are you to say I have no personality to go along with looks? You basically just told me all I have to offer is looks. You don't even know me. I find that insulting, as I'm the one with the huge heart that always gets hurt. I'm nothing on the inside like how I look on the exterior...so don't judge a book by it's cover.

 

I agree that I need to change my picking when it comes to men. And I am working on that... as I agree. I am 25 yrs old and want to settle down with a nice guy and have kids.

[singsparkles]

After viewing the last round of selfies you just added to your album, I can see why "guys like him" go for you.

 

I say this with no ill intentions whatsoever, but you're the type of girl (physically) that attracts guys like him.

 

You don't give "nice guys" the chance because you want (and can get) bad boys as well as other guys. You have options, and some women choose the 'interesting' bad boy option for the potential adventure he can provide.

 

You've mentioned your ex was a jerk. Well, assets like yours... ahem... aren't smart bombs. They're more like carpet-bombing (yeah... military reference, I know)

 

You're going to attract the good dude who sees you as well as the creep looking to hit it and quit it. Way too much power for women to have, in my opinion, but I digress. Unfortunately, the good dudes are probably intimidated and as mentioned, the bad boys are looking to just have fun.

 

You blow off the good guy because he may be stable and boring. Maybe you need to change that a little since you're now in your late 20's.

 

As I mentioned, not so eloquently maybe, you need to change your picker. Stop picking bad boys with a million things you want to fix about them and can blow you off at the drop of a hat.

 

Fix your picker and find a good guy that blows the player/badass out of the water. You'll be much happier.

 

Also, and no offense to you whatsoever, but good guys aren't that attracted to women who take selfies with duck-faces 10 times a day. Take the focus off of projecting your looks and put it into improving your personality. Looks fade. Personalities are what seal the deal for attraction in both sexes.

 

You've got the looks, work on the personality and other improvements, and you'll land a guy that suits you instead of players.

 

 

 

 

And by the way, EVERYONE thought my ex was ugly except for me. I saw something in him no one else did. He has a gap inbetween his teeth, hes awkwardly skinny & tall... he just has a charming personality. That's it.