Ex is so hot and cold, rougher tonight/in more pain than usual (Updated)

[SoThatHappened]

singsparkes,

 

What a turnaround from just a couple days ago!

 

You sound like the strong woman you kept claiming to be. Keep it up!

[me85]

Me85,

 

You are totally right. I understand now that sometimes harsh love is needed because I did finally open my eyes and wake up and smell the coffee, so I did get mad...but when I sat and thought about it, I couldn't say that anything anyone was saying was wrong... it was all correct. And I had to face these things. Even stuff about myself that I truly want to change.

 

I totally agree. My ego has been bruised more than my heart and as horrible as it sounds, you are correct. For awhile I sat there saying, "if an a**hole guy like this doesn't want me, who will??" because I know I'm a catch and I know he's a jerk and it just horribly ruined me for awhile because I let it.

 

I know the right thing to do and I finally did it. All the blocking was done and I feel very free and liberated. I finally feel in control of myself and my feelings. I know my life is precious, and I don't want to waste it with a douche bag like him. It's just such a waste of time.

 

Just trying to focus on working and going through nursing school and focusing on myself for once...

 

I've always jumped from relationship to relationship and I've never had the time to be truly single. And I think it's time I be alone for awhile. I need to find my place of peace before getting involved with someone...

 

Because I want to be with a good man and have a family and have beautiful kids someday.

 

Change is needed.

 

I thank you for your support through this all.. you've been there with me through it all, and through all my stupid mistakes... You mean a lot to me!

 

Hopefully someday I'll be able to pay it forward...

 

Big hugs!!!

xxxxx

 

 

Happy to read this Sparkles! You're on the right track kiddo! I used to think the same thing "if a prick doesn't want me then a catch sure won't" but let me break it down for you like this:

 

You are a good girl. Your ex is a bad guy. Bad guys do not want good girls. They want to be able to do what they want to do when they want to do it. With no obligations. It is rarely a Johnny and June story where the good girl turns the bad guy into a good guy. Times, they're not the same.

 

It became a world full of mama's boys and daddy's girls. It wasn't always like that. It used to be that parents pushed their kids out of their home forcing them out into the world and expected them to go find a wife or husband, settle down and raise a family. We do still have society looking at single people like, "Why in the world are you single? What's wrong with you??" It's insane. But parents shelter their children more and allow them to take their sweet time leaving the nest and becoming an adult. It's insane.

 

I'm guessing your ex may be a bit of a spoiled brat. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong but I bet I'm not.

 

Instead of respecting the women who are like their mother, loving them unconditionally, treating them well, taking care of them, even holding them accountable when they do something wrong (much like a mother does)...they disrespect them. But as much as they resent us for being that way towards them, they are dependent on us for it. IT IS INSANE.

 

That's why those types of guys always come back. They're screwed up in the head! They have a mommy complex thing and they are completely clueless about it. It's not that we're easy to manipulate. It's because we're like their mother! (eek) We love them no matter what they do! Just like girls have daddy issues.

 

A catch recognizes a catch. A catch will want you. But not until you let go of the loser first though.

 

But you sound like me. I was in back to back LTRs for 8 years. 8 years! Yes, you need to be single for a while. I plan on being single for a few years AT LEAST. lol

 

Keep your spirits up doll! BTW, how's your mom?

Edited October 16, 2014 by me85

[singsparkles]

singsparkes,

 

What a turnaround from just a couple days ago!

 

You sound like the strong woman you kept claiming to be. Keep it up!

'

 

 

SoThatHappened,

 

Thank You.

 

Yes, I've been much happier and optimistic and finding happiness in being alone.

 

It's been very liberating...

 

Have all you to thank.

 

I finally feel free. I've been happy just spending time alone; going to the gym, taking bubble baths, taking drives around CT, going shopping, drinking a nice cup of coffee or tea. Definitely been finding the beauty in being alone.

 

thanks hun!

 

Hugs

xx

[singsparkles]

Happy to read this Sparkles! You're on the right track kiddo! I used to think the same thing "if a prick doesn't want me then a catch sure won't" but let me break it down for you like this:

 

You are a good girl. Your ex is a bad guy. Bad guys do not want good girls. They want to be able to do what they want to do when they want to do it. With no obligations. It is rarely a Johnny and June story where the good girl turns the bad guy into a good guy. Times, they're not the same.

 

It became a world full of mama's boys and daddy's girls. It wasn't always like that. It used to be that parents pushed their kids out of their home forcing them out into the world and expected them to go find a wife or husband, settle down and raise a family. We do still have society looking at single people like, "Why in the world are you single? What's wrong with you??" It's insane. But parents shelter their children more and allow them to take their sweet time leaving the nest and becoming an adult. It's insane.

 

I'm guessing your ex may be a bit of a spoiled brat. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong but I bet I'm not.

 

Instead of respecting the women who are like their mother, loving them unconditionally, treating them well, taking care of them, even holding them accountable when they do something wrong (much like a mother does)...they disrespect them. But as much as they resent us for being that way towards them, they are dependent on us for it. IT IS INSANE.

 

That's why those types of guys always come back. They're screwed up in the head! They have a mommy complex thing and they are completely clueless about it. It's not that we're easy to manipulate. It's because we're like their mother! (eek) We love them no matter what they do! Just like girls have daddy issues.

 

A catch recognizes a catch. A catch will want you. But not until you let go of the loser first though.

 

But you sound like me. I was in back to back LTRs for 8 years. 8 years! Yes, you need to be single for a while. I plan on being single for a few years AT LEAST. lol

 

Keep your spirits up doll! BTW, how's your mom?

 

 

 

 

 

Me85,

 

That's exactly the way I was thinking. But then I thought logically. And you're right... Bad guys do not want good girls. He just wants a fling and would rather watch sports with his buddies all day. He wants nothing serious. He's too young.

 

You know what's funny? Is I would peg him to be a spoiled brat as well... but he doesn't have his mom or his dad in his life. His mom moved back to Somalia where they're from and his dad moved to Canada and he's in Boston, MA with his brother and a couple family members who he never talks to, and he gets into fights with his brother constantly. I think it says a lot about someone if they're not close to their family... He obviously hasn't had a good life and doesn't value family (like I do) very much.

 

He also hasn't been treated well by his parents, so that could play a role in why he treats women badly.

 

He's Muslim, but I never thought anything bad of it. I think theres beauty in every religion, but someone did tell me Muslim men view women as "lesser" than men. So I don't know.

 

I don't think he has much love from his mother, which is unfortunate, and for that, I feel bad for him... I feel like he kind of got dealt a bad deck of cards. But it's not my fault, and I'm not going to stick around to be treated like crap because he got dealt a bad deck of cards, if you know what I mean.

 

You're right... I see it now. I can find a catch who will treat me amazing. I just needed to let go of this guy because he was holding me back from a lot; Happiness & True Love.

 

I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU. Guys like this ALWAYS come back. He isn't the first guy I've dealt with like him. He probably does have mommy/daddy issues to an extent, and yes, I babied his feelings like a mother would... and he loved the attention I gave him. Watch, when two weeks rolls around and he hasn't heard from me, he'll find a reason to call me. And this won't be the first time. Its always at the two week mark.

 

But it's different this time. I'm much stronger and wiser and know his game... and I'm not going to play it anymore. He will get a rude awakening, because I won't pay him any mind.

 

I can't believe you went through that for 8 years. I'm sooo glad you got out, though! You probably feel wonderful.

 

I agree... being single is needed. We need to find happiness in ourselves first, atleast I do before my next relationship.

 

I've always been the type to jump from relationship to relationship and have barely ever been single in my life. Right now I need a big gap of being alone. And you know what? it doesn't feel so bad. It feels good to be selfish and just focus on me for once.

 

Thanks for your support, you've been totally amazing and you've helped me so much!!!

 

Thanks for asking about my mom, means so much.

 

She's been doing a lot better after her surgery... she still can't do MUCH walking, but she walks with a cane or walker for now, and she needs help showering... but she mastered getting in and out of bed alone... I'm proud... the physical therapist says shes doing PHENOMENAL so I'm happy for that.

 

I hope things are going well for you as well. You deserve happiness.You're an amazing catch and I hope you never settle for less. I know you have high expectations for yourself after what you've been through and that is great. A guy will be very lucky to have you someday.

 

Hugs!

xxxx

Edited October 17, 2014 by singsparkles

[Fufu]

Be with someone who respects you and truly wants to be with you.

 

All the mind games, hot and cold blows are just a waste of time.

 

Be strong.

[singsparkles]

Be with someone who respects you and truly wants to be with you.

 

All the mind games, hot and cold blows are just a waste of time.

 

Be strong.

 

 

 

Thank you, fufu.

 

You're completely right.

 

I am staying far away.

[me85]

Me85,

 

That's exactly the way I was thinking. But then I thought logically. And you're right... Bad guys do not want good girls. He just wants a fling and would rather watch sports with his buddies all day. He wants nothing serious. He's too young.

 

You know what's funny? Is I would peg him to be a spoiled brat as well... but he doesn't have his mom or his dad in his life. His mom moved back to Somalia where they're from and his dad moved to Canada and he's in Boston, MA with his brother and a couple family members who he never talks to, and he gets into fights with his brother constantly. I think it says a lot about someone if they're not close to their family... He obviously hasn't had a good life and doesn't value family (like I do) very much.

 

He also hasn't been treated well by his parents, so that could play a role in why he treats women badly.

 

He's Muslim, but I never thought anything bad of it. I think theres beauty in every religion, but someone did tell me Muslim men view women as "lesser" than men. So I don't know.

 

I don't think he has much love from his mother, which is unfortunate, and for that, I feel bad for him... I feel like he kind of got dealt a bad deck of cards. But it's not my fault, and I'm not going to stick around to be treated like crap because he got dealt a bad deck of cards, if you know what I mean.

 

You're right... I see it now. I can find a catch who will treat me amazing. I just needed to let go of this guy because he was holding me back from a lot; Happiness & True Love.

 

I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU. Guys like this ALWAYS come back. He isn't the first guy I've dealt with like him. He probably does have mommy/daddy issues to an extent, and yes, I babied his feelings like a mother would... and he loved the attention I gave him. Watch, when two weeks rolls around and he hasn't heard from me, he'll find a reason to call me. And this won't be the first time. Its always at the two week mark.

 

But it's different this time. I'm much stronger and wiser and know his game... and I'm not going to play it anymore. He will get a rude awakening, because I won't pay him any mind.

 

I can't believe you went through that for 8 years. I'm sooo glad you got out, though! You probably feel wonderful.

 

I agree... being single is needed. We need to find happiness in ourselves first, atleast I do before my next relationship.

 

I've always been the type to jump from relationship to relationship and have barely ever been single in my life. Right now I need a big gap of being alone. And you know what? it doesn't feel so bad. It feels good to be selfish and just focus on me for once.

 

Thanks for your support, you've been totally amazing and you've helped me so much!!!

 

Thanks for asking about my mom, means so much.

 

She's been doing a lot better after her surgery... she still can't do MUCH walking, but she walks with a cane or walker for now, and she needs help showering... but she mastered getting in and out of bed alone... I'm proud... the physical therapist says shes doing PHENOMENAL so I'm happy for that.

 

I hope things are going well for you as well. You deserve happiness.You're an amazing catch and I hope you never settle for less. I know you have high expectations for yourself after what you've been through and that is great. A guy will be very lucky to have you someday.

 

Hugs!

xxxx

 

 

You sound very strong and positive. Keep it up!

 

I've never been close to my immediate family. But they treated me very badly. Which is understating it. Your ex just has a lot of growing up to do and probably has a huge chip to remove from his shoulder.

 

But enough about him! This thread needs to die already! lol Time for much better discussions about Sparkles and all her hopes for her future.

 

Ha, no I wasn't with my ex for 8 years. I was saying I've jumped in back to back relationships over the last 8 years. 3 different LTRs. And rebounds in between so I'm happy to be single for the next 2 or 3 years.

 

Oh and did you know that 2 is a significant number in psychology?? It's true. Interesting fact of life. So it would explain why your ex always contacts you at the 2 week mark.

 

I'm very happy to hear your mom is recovering well! That's great Sparkles! She's lucky to have a daughter like you helping her. & thank you so much! Yes. The next RS I get into I will have higher expectations. For sure. You're a catch too and any guy will be lucky to have you. It was a damn miracle your ex had someone like you at all.

 

HUGS BACK!

[singsparkles]

So here's an update....

 

This weekend marks one week of NC.

 

I ended up going out with an old guy friend and he tagged me on Facebook Friday night. LITERALLY, 20 minutes later I get a missed call from a random number (because I blocked my exes number) ...come to find out, he calls me from his brother's phone.

 

When I didn't answer, he then proceeded to text me and say, "you're nothing but a h*e and sl*t"

 

I didn't send him a message back.

 

Then today on Twitter he posts a PORN pic of a guy grabbing a girls head and making her suck his d*ck titled "Punish that Sl*t"

 

What kind of insane psycho did I get myself mixed up with?

 

I'm keeping NC, But I'm struggling with the fact that I could even have been associated with someone like this.

 

Has anyone been in similar situations?

 

I believe I'm a little bit mentally f*ed up from this past relationship whether I want to believe it or not.

 

I have trust issues.

 

When I met him, never in a million years did I think he'd turn out to be this GROSS, DISGUSTING person with NO MORALS/VALUES and NO RESPECT FOR WOMEN whatsoever.

 

It makes me sick and my self esteem sometimes gets kicked in the butt when I think of it.

 

How do I rationalize my feelings when I see how much of a douche bag he is and how do I not be so hard on myself?

 

I can't seem to forgive myself for dealing with someone like him. I'm upset, I'm angry at myself.

 

I know I deserve better and I'm trying to be happy and move on.

 

HE'S PSYCHO. Every time he sees me happy and trying to move on, he calls me and then proceeds to call me every name in the book.

 

..Yet he wants nothing to do with me when I'm wanting him.

 

I'm almost sure he has mental illness and needs help.

 

But his illness has truly rubbed off on me because it's hard for me to view life and love how I did before this relationship.

 

I want my beautiful view of life and love back... How do I get it???

 

I'm changing my phone number tomorrow.

 

 

 

Thanks for all your time and listening

 

Hugs,

xoxoxo

[blackcat777]

I think it's good that you are able to take a step back and realize not only his destructive qualities, but his destructive qualities directly relating to his lack of pandering from you... which speaks volumes about his intentions/current maturity level as a person.

 

And you recognizing that yes, you can find someone who won't behave that way and that you deserve it... is SO huge and so positive!

 

I know it hurts so much, all of it. I know what it's like when you want to see the good in someone and believe in it... but there is a fine line between believing in someone, and sacrificing your own boundaries and well-being to gamble on a belief in someone. It sounds like you caught sight of that line... and I think it's one of the most important things to maintain an awareness of in all areas of life. I don't know if this is a lesson you can EVER stop learning... it's something it seems like no matter how much I learn or what I experience, there are always ways to improve upon it. It's a process. Commend yourself for engaging the process, because at least you're making the long climb up, rather than running forever in circles.

 

The past seven weeks of NC have been a wild ride for me. I felt noticeably different at four weeks, six weeks, and now I can tell I'm slowly but surely on the way up. If you can slug it out the first month and love yourself up, you might not have found your sense of balance yet, but a glimmer of it will appear.

 

One of my favorite quotes has stuck with me in the few fleeting moments of peace and sanity I've had since my breakup: "A few drops do not make a monsoon, but they presage it."

 

Big hugs.

 

I've followed your threads since I've been lurking here, and just the way you shared your feelings and experiences has really helped me process my own. Our situations were different, but I was with a younger man. Thanks for your openness and sharing.

[singsparkles]

I think it's good that you are able to take a step back and realize not only his destructive qualities, but his destructive qualities directly relating to his lack of pandering from you... which speaks volumes about his intentions/current maturity level as a person.

 

And you recognizing that yes, you can find someone who won't behave that way and that you deserve it... is SO huge and so positive!

 

I know it hurts so much, all of it. I know what it's like when you want to see the good in someone and believe in it... but there is a fine line between believing in someone, and sacrificing your own boundaries and well-being to gamble on a belief in someone. It sounds like you caught sight of that line... and I think it's one of the most important things to maintain an awareness of in all areas of life. I don't know if this is a lesson you can EVER stop learning... it's something it seems like no matter how much I learn or what I experience, there are always ways to improve upon it. It's a process. Commend yourself for engaging the process, because at least you're making the long climb up, rather than running forever in circles.

 

The past seven weeks of NC have been a wild ride for me. I felt noticeably different at four weeks, six weeks, and now I can tell I'm slowly but surely on the way up. If you can slug it out the first month and love yourself up, you might not have found your sense of balance yet, but a glimmer of it will appear.

 

One of my favorite quotes has stuck with me in the few fleeting moments of peace and sanity I've had since my breakup: "A few drops do not make a monsoon, but they presage it."

 

Big hugs.

 

I've followed your threads since I've been lurking here, and just the way you shared your feelings and experiences has really helped me process my own. Our situations were different, but I was with a younger man. Thanks for your openness and sharing.

 

 

 

Blackcat,

 

Wow, thank you so much. It means a lot to me to know I can help someone deal with a similar situation and you were able to read my posts and relate and know you weren't the only one going through what you were going through.

 

How old are you and how old was this guy you were with? You said he was younger... my ex was younger, too. I'm 25, he's 21.

 

I feel like a pain in the rear because I'm constantly coming on here to vent but truly, I really don't have any girlfriends to vent to and sometimes it's hard holding it in... and love shack has been such a family to me and I've met such wonderful people for friends here. I love that we can all lean on eachother for support, even if one of us needs to vent about something stupid.

 

I totally agree. Even though it was over and I was going strictly NC, I forgave him so I was able to move on without any hostility holding me back from being happy. I wanted to see the good in him, but he is truly a rotten horrible man who has absolutely no respect for women and its sad. Actually, I pity him. I don't know what strong woman in her right frame of mind would even think twice about dating a guy like him. He's unworthy, and I know I'm so much more worthy than him.

 

It's just hard looking back realizing you never saw the signs...you never saw how evil and cruel to the core they were. Its hard to finally accept they are evil people. but also does make it easier to move on.

 

I'm changing my number because if I don't he will still find ways to contact me... he prob even will through social media, maybe even a friend's account because he's that mentally unwell.

 

How do you go from calling someone a h*e to wanting to work things out to disappearing then stalking their social media?? He has serious issues.

 

He's completely OBSESSED with me...but in the total wrong way and not in a way that I would WANT someone to be obsessed with me.

 

 

I commend you for 7 weeks NC:):) I couldn;t be happier to hear that, and from the tone of it, it seems like you are doing much better as time goes by. I love hearing stories like that.

 

I guess people may be in pain in the beginning while doing it, but it truly is for the best and in the end you are a much better person (after implementing NC and sticking with it)

 

I definitely dont plan to break NC. It's been a week and I'm never going back. He can try all his insane endeavors all he wants. He's completely insane

 

and honestly... his actions just JUSTIFY that it isn't me... it's him. He's the reason we never worked out.

 

I'm glad by following my threads it has helped you to process your own situation I hope you stick to NC and I hope things only get better for you... big and better things waiting for you ahead in the future! Keep your head up and stay strong

 

 

xoxoxo

 

BIG HUGS

[BC1980]

You really need to block him. Not responding isn't enough. You don't need to put yourself in a position to even see these things.

[singsparkles]

You really need to block him. Not responding isn't enough. You don't need to put yourself in a position to even see these things.

 

 

BC, I have done everything to block him. He called me from a number I was unfamiliar with and I ended up picking up.

 

I'm changing my number tomorrow to truly fix this.

 

I guess I just needed to vent. :-(

 

 

Hugs

[blackcat777]

Singsparkles,

 

I'm 27 and he's 19. There was one post you made that just made me realize that love is beautiful, and anyone can love anybody... but there are certain drawbacks to loving someone whose brain is basically an unripe mango. It made me laugh (and then I probably cried some more). There's definitely a lack of logic and wisdom (understandably!) in being with someone who is still developmental. Our relationship had a really healthy dynamic, it was super happy, but then he left for school and axed it. Ice cold NC ever since.

 

NC doesn't make everything awesome. The breakup still totally sucks. There are days I want to reach out. I handwrote a few letters (and burned them gleefully later). NC isn't an answer, per se, but it speeds healing, implements 100% damage control/self-protection, and it does let you observe your patterns. I felt so psycho just observing (and being completely taken by) emotions that were so all over the place. I'd lay in bed for hours and want to die, then I'd have raging anger, then I don't even know what else. I never felt so emotionally out of control and NC has been my invisible, socially commendable straight jacket.

 

I started having phases of hours (not whole days) at 4 weeks in which I felt like myself again. At 6 weeks I got my appetite back. 7.5 weeks, I had my first good night of sleep (they aren't normal yet), and felt just a kind of tiredness like I burnt the candle at both ends for too long and can't be so intensely upset anymore. I'm thinking more clearly.

 

I had an ex ex in the past that took advantage of me, and while his behavior angered me, I was ultimately angry at myself for allowing it to happen for so long. The first three months after breaking up were bad (full of anger). Then I got my life back together, and randomly, without even meaning to, I had an epiphany (9 months after that breakup) that I wasn't angry anymore, and it was the most liberating feeling.

 

Another cool thing about NC is that I realized once I can do days, I can do weeks; once I can do weeks, I can do months. Now it's almost two months and how I feel as improved so much, so... why not more NC? (I know I still couldn't talk to my ex with a clear head even if he did contact me, so more NC for me.) It's peaceful not having any new sources of pain.

 

Hopefully he won't try to disturb your new peace too much, especially with a new number. It's upsetting. Channel your inner warrior goddess and protect your boundaries.

[hestheone66]

Starting and keeping nc is a great way to move on as it stops you obsessing. My toxic ex was a user that I allowed to manipulate me for 12 years. He was charming but clearly unstable, a true narcissist.

After we broke up and I literally disappeared from face of earth after 6 months thing were civil for sake of our son. However a further 6 months later he saw me on a dating site and the verbal abuse in front of my son was the turning point and I vowed never to speak or communicate ever again. It was oct 2010. It was the most empowering thing ever. He contacted me within 2 mins of me pulling away in my car left voicemail and Facebook emails. I have never responded. He iß still obsessing and my stepson (his son) has publicly defended me against his slanderous rants on his FB.

 

But I took a couple of years for me to heal and casually dated then found an incredibly beautiful man who cherishes me. I too was angry that I had allowed such scum to taint me but I forgave myself and focused on all the good that I have now and gratitude is more healthy than misplaced guilt.

 

Good luck in your healing and the next chapter of your life