My bf of 4 yrs cheated numerous times...and may have got someone pregnant!

[Kengne]

**WARNING LONG..But plz read***

 

Okay….where do I start?

 

Me and my boyfriend M of 4 ½ years have been through a lot of ups and downs. More recently, it got to a point where we had these huge blow-ups, mainly bcuz when we argue he likes to walk away and have space whereas I push, push, push the issue to resolve things right then right there! and try to work it out. We’d “broken up” numerous times, only to get back together within a few hours, “I’m sorry”’s and “I Love you”s later.

 

Recently…I began to frequent (link deleted by moderator) to try and understand M, and why we get into these crazy arguments. I realize that I’ve become needy and co-dependant, and was in the process of trying to become more independent and less reliant on M for my happiness when the bombshell dropped --> I found out M had been cheating on me, for abt 2 years (from 2002-2004) with several different women. One woman in particular, is 7 mths pregnant!

 

When I first found out (approx 2 weeks ago)..I was devastated, but relieved at the same time. Now I knew what that funny feeling I’d had in the back of my mind meant. Now I knew why he had all those cards from female “friends”. I was shocked, but not terribly surprised. What surprised me more was why (rather than how) this happened.

 

According to M…it all boiled down to sex. I was a virgin when I met M, and we didn’t begin having sex till abt 2 years into our rel’ship (at this point, he’d already been sleeping w other ppl for abt a year). During our rel’ship I’ve been reserved when it comes to sex. I’ve never done any fancy, crazy things like show up at his house butt naked…or do the pretty lingerie…or the costume thingy. Basically…I’m pretty “average” when it comes to sex. Not because I’m not willing to try new things…but bcuz I’m shy and just don’t know how to go abt. He’s my first…I’m 22, and I don’t have all the experience he has (he’s 31).

 

From what M has told me… he was satisfied with our sex life..but only to a certain point. He felt like he couldn’t go certain places or “levels” with me, and rather than push for those things he went out and did it. For example, oral sex (which I don’t do)  he says that most of the time, it was strictly oral sex. He never had a relationship with those females. He never brought them to his family (like me), never took them anywhere, never did the bf/gf things he did with me…and (he says this adamantly) never loved them: he loves me. I tht this was all a crock of shyt until I spoke with the Pregnant Woman (PW) and his family who confirmed all what he said.

 

Now…him and the PW stopped messing around back in Aug-Sept of last yr. According to her, when he found out she was pregnant he locked her off for 5 mths. According to him, when he decided to break it off with her (and all the other women) definitely she told him she was pregnant, and had not been on the pill for 2 mths. M says that he realized last year that he didn’t need to have sex in the addictive manner he was going abt it. He says it was like an addiction, but he never wanted to end things with me or be with those people bcuz at the end of the day, he loved and is in love with me, and wants to work things out with me. Of course, the PW says she never knew abt me and of course he says she did and is just trying to ruin things even more. M says she’s just mad bcuz he didn’t want to be with her, and isn’t sure if the baby is his or not (she says she was with him and only him).

 

The one thing I do believe, and like the PW told me, is M never ever once told her he loved her (he told me this constantly, and showed it all the time). The PW said that she never even knew he could say those words, as he was always so hard and tough with her. I feel like M she knew, and the M I knew are two different ppl. I had a loving, caring bf… and she had someone who never took her out, or anywhere, or anything…except sex.

 

Back to the topic…when asked why he didn’t tell me, M said bcuz he was afraid. He knew how I would react (break-up with him – which I did immediately)…and he was afraid. He keeps on saying how he wishes it was me and not her that was pregnant *YEAH RIGHT B UDDY!*. And how he would have been happy, and would have taken care of me (which I believe as we’ve talked abt this before).

 

These last 2 weeks have been difficult, as we’ve been in contact…at first I wanted to remain just friends..and he said he was cool. However, the 2 times we’ve seen each other (esp on my birthday last week) we’ve both relapsed (re: kissing,cuddling etc..but no sex). He tht this meant we were back together but I quickly told him no.

 

SO I need help: how do I get through this *not over it*? I do love him, and really believe (or want to believe) him when he says it was just sex, and that he loves me, and would never hurt me by cheating again…but right now I need space. I told him this last week and he pretty much flipped. He says he loves me, but he misses not seeing me / talking to me / and it’s driving him crazy thinking about me, and knowing that he wants to be with me but I don’t want to be with him right now. He even told me abt him going out with this female friend (who wants to have sex with him!) and I just lost it!

 

I told him he needs to DEAL WITH IT, bcuz he f*cked up big time and if we ever get back together it’ll have to be on my time, and my terms  or not at all. I hung up on him and told him to do whatever the hell he wants to do but he need not call me back then. Of course he called back later saying he was sorry, and that he wasn’t going to go out with that girl bcuz the only person he wants to spend time with or be with now is me… but he just cant stand being alone, and waiting for me to decide. I told him that this is how it has to be, and if he cant handle it get out. We got into another argument -> he hung up. I then tried to do NC but he kept on calling ALL WEEKEND.

 

Finally, last night we talked and he poured out his guts. He apologized for being hurting me so much (by cheating), being insensitive to my needs (me needing space) and saying hurtful things which he didn’t mean (like not ever wanting to talk to me again or going out with that girl). He says he's sorry beyond sorry and that i cant even begin to understand how sorry he is for everything that happened. He says he wants to be with me, and is willing to be patient and work things out. I sort of believe him on this, bcuz i asked him if things were to be different and he was to try and earn my trust i would need access to his cell phone and a set of the house keys. Amazingly, he agreed to this without pause and said whatever he needs to do to reassure me he'll do (even if he doesnt see how it'll help). He says he's changed, and realizes he doesnt *need* sex like how he did and that he wants to be with me etc... And that he would never cheat again *don't they all say that? lol *

 

I listened and basically told him straight up, if we are ever to get back together I need time and space to figure out what I want. I think he’s afraid that he’s lost control of the situation, and can’t handle it. But at this point...I don’t give a damn. I need to heal, and he can either suck it up or get out.

 

Am I doing things right here? I want to be with him… but I don’t feel he’s “learnt his lesson” so to speak. I don’t want him to take me for granted by thinking that if I take him back, everything’s “gravy”. I want to feel appreciated and respected…but more than anything I want him to know..that I don’t need him in my life, and will be fine with or without him. I want him to know what he lost when he jeopardized our rel’ship for some booty…does this make any sense? I do feel that our other rel'ship problems could have been worked out...we were working them out... but now this? how much is too much?

 

Pretty much I'm asking for advice and comments. Right now I'm doing NC, and feeling ok. For once, I dont feel this strong tie to him and right now i'm going back and forth b/t wanting to be with him cuz i love him, and not wanting to "settle" for a cheater. I'm confused! Would i be stupid to take him back after all this??

 

HELP!

 

K.

[NiCoLe20]

dont go back to this guy!! are you nuts?! if you go back with him, thats basically saying your ok with what he's done, and allowing him to do itonce again. you have to set rules for yourself girl. why would you want to be with this guy who has another girl pregnant? thats insane, i never would. this girl will be in both of your lives forever. there will definitley be some baby mama drama. it will be a mess, i wouldnt even bother with him. Yea, he says he's sorry and he didnt mean to hurt you but obviously he wasnt thinking that when he was having sex with these other girls. i sure hope you use protection with your guy. if not, definitley get urself checked out. One of those girls might of had an STD and he might of passed it along to you... and he loves you right?! i dont think so. you can do better than this. by going back to him, he might be thinking, ''wow, i cheated on her and she still will come back to me?'' thats a power trip for him. he might get in check for a couple months, but he can fall back into his cheating routine all over again. dont do it! it'll be hard but you gotta let go. its not worth the stress and drama. i could see if he cheated once b/c you guys have a long relationship, but girl, he said its like an addiction. thats a hint right there!!!! he doesnt seem like the type thats ready to settle down just yet, and you gotta see this! in my opinion this guy is a dirtbag.. get rid of him.

[blind_otter]

It doesn't bother you that he not only cheated on you, but disrespected you by not using protection when he was f*cking other women?

 

Anyways. How old are you two? Is this really a relationship worth saving? Do you feel that you could ever trust him again? Is his sex drive to such an extent that he will not be able to be satisfied with you in your relationship in the future?

 

These are all questions you need to answer. I mean, you know as well as I do, that to an outsider your life pretty much looks like the Jerry Springer Show. Hey, I'm not hating - mine did too until recently when I decided to just cut out all the drama in my life. Ultimately it's up to you. Is this drama sh*t you want to be dealing with? What does love mean to you? How much can someone walk over you before you decide that they are no longer treating you with respect? Which one is the real guy? The a**h*** who used a woman as a sex toy, basically, or the one who lied to you?

 

I don't think anyone can really answer the questions you have. I mean, are you just seeking support? Some kind of validation for your decision? You want someone to help show you that it's ok to stay with him? Stay or go, you are the grown up. You have to deal with the consequences of your decision.

[Kengne]

Originally posted by blind_otter

It doesn't bother you that he not only cheated on you, but disrespected you by not using protection when he was f*cking other women?

 

Anyways. How old are you two? Is this really a relationship worth saving? Do you feel that you could ever trust him again? Is his sex drive to such an extent that he will not be able to be satisfied with you in your relationship in the future?

 

These are all questions you need to answer. I mean, you know as well as I do, that to an outsider your life pretty much looks like the Jerry Springer Show. Hey, I'm not hating - mine did too until recently when I decided to just cut out all the drama in my life. Ultimately it's up to you. Is this drama sh*t you want to be dealing with? What does love mean to you? How much can someone walk over you before you decide that they are no longer treating you with respect? Which one is the real guy? The a**h*** who used a woman as a sex toy, basically, or the one who lied to you?

 

I don't think anyone can really answer the questions you have. I mean, are you just seeking support? Some kind of validation for your decision? You want someone to help show you that it's ok to stay with him? Stay or go, you are the grown up. You have to deal with the consequences of your decision.

 

1. He claims he used protection with all the women...but that the condon broke with her (I made sure to get tested again for everything..I was OK, thank God)

 

2. And yes.. it bothers me ALOT that he cheated on me! I think that I'm taking it somewhat lightly because for awhile...i've been looking for an "exit-out" for this rel'ship..yeah we had problems, but i just was tired of all the power struggles and control issues...funny enough, the day we broke up I just remember feeling so....RELIEVED. Weird huh? Like I finally had a reason to "let go".

 

3. How old are you two? I'm 22 and he's 31. I'm thinking he has a thing for younger females whom he can "control". I see all these things now... and all the comments my friends told me abt "I deserve better" seem to be rushing in my head. The more time goes by... the less I feel like I want to "work things out". I mean, why in the HELL shoudl I have to "settle"so early on in life! There must be more out there. Not all men cheat dammit.

 

4. Is this really a relationship worth saving? If he had other qualities that I admired...yes. But he has no ambition & doesn't seem to know what the hell he wants to do with his life. Is he ever going to be able to be financially responsible, buy a house, perhaps marry me? After all this time --> it seems like the answer is NO. Damn. It didnt hurt as much as i tht.

 

When we were together, I always told myself..."So he isn't ambitious...but you love him, he loves you, AND he's never cheated on you!" Now...All I seem to be thinking is "You love him, he loves you BUT he isn't ambitious AND he cheated!!" Dammit...if ur gonna be "whack" in certain areas of your life at least be faithful

 

5. Do you feel that you could ever trust him again? Yes, if he was willing to gain back my trust.

 

6. Is his sex drive to such an extent that he will not be able to be satisfied with you in your relationship in the future? I really don't know. He is VERY sexual, and maybe a part of me is scared that I'll never be able to "live up" to his sexpectations. * *

 

I don't know why I'm so blasé abt this..other than to say maybe I'm finally getting over this!

 

One thing I do know.. I love him. I can't stop my heart from feeling what I feel for him. But cheating and everything else combined, I'm not sure I want to be WITH him. Does that make sense?

 

Any other comments/advice?

 

Tks!

 

K.

[blind_otter]

Well, my Mom might be a bitch (haha) but she sure did give me good relationshi padvice, which I never took until too late, but she always said - love isn't what makes a relationship work. IN fact, it can make a relationship NOT work - sure you have feelings for that person, but so what? That's not what makes things run smoothly day to day.

 

I know this from my relationship with my exHusband. He is in federal prison. He called me on Saturday and it sucked. It sucks talking to someone where you both know you love each other deeply and intensely, but you will never be able to handle being with that person ever again. It's true though - I won't forgive him (he says the condom broke, he actually gave me the CLAP while we were still together) for things he has done, he won't forgive me for things I have done.

 

I suppose it's the consequence of the age we live in. People have casual relationships, they have longterm romantic relationships, but it doesn't alter the fact that if you're not ready, you're just not ready.

 

To be honest this guy sounds like an immature a**h***, and you sound better off without him!!

[clynn]

Wow!

 

Jerk!

 

It sounds like you are getting closer to letting him go completely and to cutting him out of your life, thank goodness.

 

Cuz it doesn't matter that he treated you well. He treats other women like CRAP. That is a jerky person!!!

 

And I think you're right...he wants a naive, "untainted" woman while he fools around with everyone and anybody!

 

He likely won't change.

 

And I know it still hurts and is hard even knowing that he is a jerk. Because you have gotten attached to him and now you are dealing with the loss of the person you thought he was.

 

Someone MUCh better is out there for you.

 

take care.

[d'Arthez]

Sorry for my belated response Kengne, and am assuming the child is his.

Originally posted by Kengne

1. He claims he used protection with all the women...but that the condon broke with her (I made sure to get tested again for everything..I was OK, thank God)

First of all, he can claim whatever he wants. But he is not a teenager, so he should have known that 1) condoms are not 100% safe, 2) other bc measures are not forbidden to be taken. Or did he really think that with a broken down condom, there would be no possibility of this woman ending up pregnant?

2. And yes.. it bothers me ALOT that he cheated on me! I think that I'm taking it somewhat lightly because for awhile...i've been looking for an "exit-out" for this rel'ship..yeah we had problems, but i just was tired of all the power struggles and control issues...funny enough, the day we broke up I just remember feeling so....RELIEVED. Weird huh? Like I finally had a reason to "let go".

Take your exit then. Power struggles? Control issues? Falling for / targetting younger women? The fact that he claims to be honest when he told these women that it was just sex, could be true. It could be reflective of what he wanted. But that does not necessarily improve his case. He sounds he could possibly be either a control freak, or a narcissist! Both are bad, both are better avoided.

3. How old are you two? I'm 22 and he's 31. I'm thinking he has a thing for younger females whom he can "control". I see all these things now... and all the comments my friends told me abt "I deserve better" seem to be rushing in my head. The more time goes by... the less I feel like I want to "work things out". I mean, why in the HELL shoudl I have to "settle"so early on in life! There must be more out there. Not all men cheat dammit.

You do deserve better. Your friends are right, and at 22 you are way too young to settle. Enjoy your youth!

4. Is this really a relationship worth saving? If he had other qualities that I admired...yes. But he has no ambition & doesn't seem to know what the hell he wants to do with his life. Is he ever going to be able to be financially responsible, buy a house, perhaps marry me? After all this time --> it seems like the answer is NO. Damn. It didnt hurt as much as i tht.

 

When we were together, I always told myself..."So he isn't ambitious...but you love him, he loves you, AND he's never cheated on you!" Now...All I seem to be thinking is "You love him, he loves you BUT he isn't ambitious AND he cheated!!" Dammit...if ur gonna be "whack" in certain areas of your life at least be faithful

If the answers don't hurt you, you have already accepted that he is not the one you would want to marry in the first place. He is now just about a regular man, with whom you have been involved for a long time.

5. Do you feel that you could ever trust him again? Yes, if he was willing to gain back my trust.

But how could he? If the child is born, it will always be a part of his life. And if he does not take responsibility for it, how responsible can he be for you and your possible children in the future?

6. Is his sex drive to such an extent that he will not be able to be satisfied with you in your relationship in the future? I really don't know. He is VERY sexual, and maybe a part of me is scared that I'll never be able to "live up" to his sexpectations. * *

He can be as sexual as h*ll. But if he is in an exclusive relationship, he has to respect these boundaries. If he does not, as he had not in two years, what tells that? He should not have been with you in an exclusive relationship in the first place.

I don't know why I'm so blasé abt this..other than to say maybe I'm finally getting over this!

 

One thing I do know.. I love him. I can't stop my heart from feeling what I feel for him. But cheating and everything else combined, I'm not sure I want to be WITH him. Does that make sense?

 

You can love people without wanting to be with them, even without the hurt you have suffered. You would have many issues, especially now, that "Junior" is on the way. So it is fully understandable that you would have issues. And now that you see him in this new light, you might want to find someone ambitious and faithful.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

You're not married to him.

 

You don't have kids with him.

 

He is a cheater and a father-to-be.

 

He is 9 years older than you (a small factor compared to the above).

 

DROP HIM FAST!!!

[Mz. Pixie]

Hmmmmm let's see- it sounds to me as if he put all the blame on him cheating on you.

 

You were a virgin, you didn't wear sexy stuff, you didn't do anything wild. Excuse me but weren't there two in the sexual relationship? He couldn't show you what he liked?? Talk to you about the fact that his needs weren't getting met?

 

As for you not doing oral sex- you really may want to think about adding that to your sex life in the future but that's another post..........

 

This guy is a insensitive jerk. I can't imagine why you would even want to have a conversation with PW anyway. Why did you waste your time? He has cheated on you numerous times and you would consider taking him back?

 

He's changed alright. He's been doing it for years but in two weeks he's reformed. Give me a break!

 

You need to go NC and get away from him. NC is the only way to heal the wounds that he has inflicted. Go out and find someone who deserves you and who will appreciate the fact that you haven't slept with every Tom Dick and Harry in your life. One who thinks you're a precious gem.

[onlyhuman]

Wow, it seems lately that the only advice I am able to give is either run, run fast, and run real fast,

You sound like a great person who any deserving guy would be lucky to have.

You should be asking your self why you would even consider staying with a person who at so many levels has treated you and all other women like scum, it won't get better with him.I would get some professional help for your self that would improve your confidence and self worth.Drop this guy, in a few months he will be a distant bad memmory, latter on in life when you have that special someone who really loves you, you will be so thankfull you made the decision you did.

In a few years your ex will still be paying child support, or numerous child support and cheating on his new prey!

Run, change your number and move on to better things in life.

[Kengne]

Thank you all for your responses... I think my heart is breaking all over again.

 

I go back and forth. My head tells me "RUNNN!!". My heart tells me "STAY!"

 

But i know I need to run....

 

Not that this makes a difference... but he stopped fooling around mid last year. Said he couldn't do it anymore.

 

i'm just ... torn... and hurt...

 

i'm doing NC... because every time we talk... my heart yearns to be with him .. i soak up his words and so want to believe he'll change...

 

but when we dont talk ... my head clears and takes over... and i know that whatever he says, what he did was wrong and how could he ever possibly change?

 

and my heart feels like it'll never stop hurting. i cry abt every other day...

 

before this happened... i tht we had a "good" rel'ship... problems, yes, but good overall.

 

Now i feel like i was dealing with a complete stranger... how could someone who loved me...do all these horrible things?

 

And how do i let go... ? when we last talked he kept on saying how he NEEDED me, how i was too good for him(as HIS friends told HIM!), how i was his BEST FRIEND... how he didn't realize how much he LOVED me and MiSSED me till this happened... and how he's SORRY for HURTING and LYING to me...

how he loves me and misses not seeing/talking to me... i didnt respond but inwardly i was dying..

 

as for the baby... if it's his ... i think i will go crazy... the baby is due in May and i don't know how i'll handle it, even if we remain broken up it'll still hurt...

 

he said if the baby is his, he will step to the plate and be responsible... but he still wants to be with me...

i'm gonna cry again

how can doing the RIGHT thing be so painful?

 

if it had just been 1 girl ... or 1 time.... i could forgive... but so many times..?? is it possible to be addicted to sex?

 

is there really no hope/ no possibility of him changing?

 

i know i'm young.. i know i'll "get over this" and go on to find someone who loves me, respects me etc... but right now i cant see that far ahead... i'm so hurt, i can't even see myself with anyone else.. but i cant see myself with him either...

 

this hurts so much... *crying*

 

K.

[clynn]

samvak.tripod.com/

 

Check out this link.

 

I feel very badly for you.

 

How very very awful.

 

Be strong, get support. Talk with friends and family openly about your situation.

[Kengne]

***UPDATE***

 

Okay...

 

I called M today and told him straight up... I love him, but do not and can not be with him.

 

I forgive him.. bcuz for me to move on I HAVE to forgive.. but I do not have to, and do not want to be a part of the drama that is his life, esp. when the baby is born.

 

I told him that things werent working good b/t us for a long time now... we're headed on different paths... and that this situation just brought to light everything that wasnt cool. And I simply.. dont.. want to deal with it.

 

I pointed out to him how his many indiscretions show a flagrant disrespect to what I thought was our exclusive rel'ship. And that I really don't know him or who he was. I told him I deserve better (he agreed) and that though he's "changed" and is sorry, it's a little too little, too late.

 

I've also decided that despite everything ... I still want to be friends. Why? Because even though he did this VERY f*cked up thing ... in other aspects he truly IS a good person... a caring person... and has been a major part of my adult life .. a companion .. a lover ... but above all, my best friend.

 

I'm not mad at him anymore. But I've decided not to be with him anymore. I want him part of my life because good or bad, I will always care abt him. The "in love" feeling will obviously fade with time... and things will have to change. And no, I'm not stupid. I know what spending too much time together can do to ex's, so we've both decided that it's not good to see each other for a while, or spend too much time talking bcuz we don't want to slide back into the bf/gf rel'ship.

 

I know some people have decided permanent NC w exes etc... I tried, and it didn't work. NC doesn't work for everyone an every situation, esp. one this complex. I feel happier and more relieved now than when I was doing NC, primarily bcuz I've made a decision to not be with him... and move on. NC did work though..bcuz it gave me time to clear my head and realize that no matter how much I care, I dont want to be with him. It's a hard realization, but I'm thankful i've come to it.

 

I'm not thinking abt him as much bcuz i don't feel deprived of his company. I guess it's a comfort thing. But oddly enough... I discovered that with M I was so dependent on him, and didnt really talk to other guys. But recently... I've forced myself to expand my circle of friends so I'm not so dependent on him when i feel lonely or need to talk... And it's so much fun! I've made at least 2-3 new guy friends *friends only--i'm nowhere near ready to date*, but just talking to them I find fulfills some of the emptiness I feel from not being able to talk to M as much. And some of the guys are cuuuuuuuuute too! It opens a whole world for me, and shows me that there is someone else out there for me.

 

And at the end of the day, I HAVE to do what makes me happy. I've already lost a bf. I don't want to lose a good friend to boot. This is my life, and this is what I feel is the best decision i've made in a long while.

 

So to end off... it's OFFICIALLY over between me and M. Alot of the comments you guys made were brutally honest, and forced me to look at things with a rational and clear mind. I DO deserve better.

 

But more importantly ... "And this too, shall pass."

 

What doesn't kill me, will only make me stronger. Everything, good or bad, happens for a reason. And sooner or later, that reason will be revealed to me. But I believe overall, that God has a plan for me. And bigger and better things are destined for me.

 

One love... thanks a bunch, and everyone take care

 

K.

[NiCoLe20]

that was very well written and congrats to you girl!!! you wont regret this decision b/c it is the right decision. if you went back to him, you'd be setting urself up for failure again. im really happy you decided to end it with this guy b/c in the end he's not worth it. your right! there is a whole new different world out there so dont be afraid to go out there... i wouldnt see him for a while anyways- you'll just feel hurt all over again. stay low for a while and dont give in to anything he says! stay strong and even though it will be hard youll get thru this! just leave him be and open a chapter in ur new life!!!

[clynn]

Be strong.

 

Good luck.

 

God bless.

[ziggue]

Originally posted by Kengne

As for the baby... if it's his ... i think i will go crazy... the baby is due in May and i don't know how i'll handle it, even if we remain broken up it'll still hurt...

 

He said if the baby is his, he will step to the plate and be responsible... but he still wants to be with me...

I'm gonna cry again how can doing the RIGHT thing be so painful?

 

Glad you have made your decision. I would sit right out of this one too. Another woman would always be in the background all the time demanding most of his attention.

 

You don't wanna put yourself all through a big mess that you really don't have to be in. I don't think it's worth it. Who knows someone who doesn't have these kinds of problems will probably come along later on down the track. Good luck.

 

Be strong if he tries to contact you again. It will take time but you can move on from this.