Online overseas interest?

[FitChick]

I spoke by phone and emailed a man for three months before we met. It was like meeting an old friend. We eventually got engaged and I half-moved over before he admitted that he wasn't ready to get married, only having just gotten his divorce. That's when I learned the hard lesson of never dating a man who has been divorced less than two years. I'm convinced that if we'd have met two years later, we'd be happily married by now.

[littlebitlost86]

I spoke by phone and emailed a man for three months before we met. It was like meeting an old friend. We eventually got engaged and I half-moved over before he admitted that he wasn't ready to get married, only having just gotten his divorce. That's when I learned the hard lesson of never dating a man who has been divorced less than two years. I'm convinced that if we'd have met two years later, we'd be happily married by now.

 

That really sucks FitChick...

 

I'm assuming that was enough to end the relationship?

 

Obviously getting engaged you had already discussed what you both wanted then he changed his mind?

 

With this girl it seems we both want similar things (marriage & children at SOME stage).

We've also both never been married & actually it seems like neither of us have had a REALLY serious relationship before...

[justwhoiam]

Thank you justwhoiam,

Was actually hoping you might comment...

You're welcome

 

I'm keen for your (& anyone else's) opinion on. It may mean something, it may not. I need a womans opinion...

I'm glad to give my perspective. I think that some things generally apply to anyone, and others are very personal. So you need to navigate the sea of information and pick what may apply to you.

 

"she's never been in love & has previously had a habit of being attracted to the wrong type of guy then staying in relationships for comfort/companionship"

If she never had any strong feelings for any man so far, the moment she falls for someone, she might fall hard. It's not a sure thing that will ever happen. Not giving in to feelings completely might be a trait of her personality. But in my experience, when someone's capable of enjoying something (whatever that is) and is candid abour their emotions (like being able to jump for joy for winning a contest), then they have it within themselves, just THAT moment has not come yet. But they can fall head over heels in love with someone.

The fact that she can settle for mediocrity just so, getting used to being with someone even without having 'feelings' for them, could be a red flag. A very mild one, on its own. At times, you just want to feel normal, have a normal life where a guy can take you out, etc. and losing it without knowing if you can ever have that again can be sad. So one just keeps the relationship going even if it doesn't mean much. But the fact is, it didn't last anyway, for her. I don't know if - at one point - she decided it was not worth it or she was dumped by the guy. Maybe it's something you will get to know from her over time. I think that you shouldn't ask directly, out of the blue, but should you get to the topic just randomly again, it'd be worth exploring.

 

"I can't help occasionally thinking how unrealistic it is that anything would happen, as finding love like this (if it was to happen) is the sort of thing you only hear of in a Hollywood romance movie."

I hear you. You think it's unlikely that this or that can actually happen. I'm like that too. I'd say it's typical for most women to think of any possible scenario, and that leads to a major dichotomy in the woman's head, where anything is usually either black or white. He either falls hard and sparks fly and it's magic, and he's the one OR he's cold, distances himself, sees you're not so good-looking after all, and nothing happens. So these clashing opposites stay there and are basically the representations of what one would like and what they think it will actually happen. So that cools off one's instincts. And that's where you can perceive "mixed feelings".

 

":o Is it that obvious?"

Yes, pretty much so.

 

"Hahahaha - well...there's only the matter of passports, hotel arrangements, birth control, background checks, international flight"

Ok. She was being ironic here. BUT two things need be noted: the mention of birth control AND background checks. The former tells me it's on the back of her mind............. and the latter, hmm, it would have made me ask some questions for sure. Like, what kind of background checks? Have you googled me up already? Are you paying some company to get a background check on me? I think everyone does that at some point. I did too. It's done out of curiosity and, let's be honest, also the need to see if you're able to catch him in some lie and you get proof of it. I remember checking on him extensively and not feeling like paying for the service (and I never did anyway). One fine day, I used a piece of information I found about him online and asked him about it, and he was like: Ask me anything you want and I will tell you. And what followed was the list of his homes and different addresses since when he was born, with lots of unnecessary details. So, in a few words, I'd say that trust is built over time, but there are a few turning points that make you come to the realization of who the other person really is. Sorry I can't explain this better, but it also has to do with intuition, gut feeling, and the like.

 

"Hmm, so I shouldn't jump on a plane just yet?

Hahahaha not quite yet lol‏

You let me know when you're ready then... ;)"

One thing I can safely say about many women (not all but many for sure) is: don't let the ball be in their court. I can't give you a lecture here of why many women would turn down a chance, it'd be too long to explain, and really, I wouldn't even know where to start from. Women are not that complicated as most men think, but think of the dichotomy I was talking about earlier, and you get the picture. The average woman is much less of a risk taker than the average man, statistically the proportion is 1:5.

So, if you ask me, letting her decide on what you should do was a bad idea. You should be in control. It goes without saying she needs to be OK with meeting you. But being a puppet in her hands won't help you. Of course this is just my very personal point of view, which might not apply to you and this girl. But I wouldn't get good vibes from it.

Is it up to me? Well, then maybe not. (That would be my reasoning)

I want a man who knows what he wants and is not afraid to pursue it. No matter how hard it is. Ok, now I'm rambling and getting out of topic, since you're still far from any meeting up (so it seems).

Bottom line: has she ever pursued a man at some point in her life? Or she's just not that kind?

 

There's a fair bit of name calling

How do you mean? I'm more than a little bit lost here...

[littlebitlost86]

From what I know of her past relationships they have all been good guys who treated her right so she felt no reason to suddenly end things despite the fact ske knew none of them were "the one".

& I can understand where she's coming from.

I've been in relationships that I knew would end eventually but I didn't end tthem the instant I had that realization...

As for who called it quits I'm unsure.

 

From what I can tell about this girl (not everything, I know) she is very in touch with her own feelings & very honest, to herself & others.

 

I know she is open to love. Her goals were to find real love, get married, have children, etc.

 

Yeah I definitely sensed the irony there.

But she also seemed to put some thought into that answer...

The "birth control" caught my attention but I didn't really pick up on the background checks comment.

Now you've got me thinking! I'm clean anyway so not a problem.

 

I know what you're saying about her being in control.

The worst part is I know she likes a man who takes charge & in most aspects of life that's what I do.

I tell people things, I don't ask them.

I'm a young workplace manager for that very reason.

But, something makes me putty in this girls hands!

 

Her pursuing guys, I'm not sure but I could certainly imagine it

She isn't shy by any stretch of the imagination!

 

As for the name calling comment I simply mean there's a fair bit of playful (& often flirty) teasing in our chats

[littlebitlost86]

Alright...

Spoke on the phone with this girl for the first time today. Was meant to be a quick chat but lasted about 2 & a half hours

 

Basically the same as in text, we got along great.

A few short silences but I think that's normal for a first conversation with someone who is essentially a stranger in reality?

I know I was a little nervous, despite feeling that I knew her quite well from texting already.

But in saying that I'm generally not a huge phone call person to anyone at the best of times.

 

Also it's only a tiny thing, & maybe I'm just in my own head too much, but I'm noticing she's changing the way she words things.

You will & we will instead of you would or we would.

 

She also mentioned "moving to Australia" again today but it was in the middle of a conversation & I would have had to either flat out interrupt her or backtrack 15 minutes to bring it up again so I let it go for now...

 

Lots of suggestive things are being said about getting together but I'm still unsure exactly what's on her mind.

 

Going to keep chatting for now, just thought I'd leave an update

Edited October 5, 2014 by littlebitlost86

[Frank2thepoint]

I recently had a long-distance relationship. I am in the US, she is Europe. Unfortunately it just ended; it didn't last long. I'm sad and hurt because I wanted it to last for a long time, but it is what it is. Gotta move on. So I will give you some information how our magic happened initially. We messaged each other through email for four months, exchanged pictures of each other, and with having weekly Skype dates halfway through the four months. When I mean Skype, I mean with video and audio. I saw her mannerism, she saw mine. I saw her smile, she saw mine. We heard each others voices. We had already talked about me visiting her, which I had no problem with doing. We connected very well. After Skyping for the first time, two months into just writing ten page emails to each other every other day, I was convinced and determined of buying a plane ticket and booking a hotel to visit her. And I did just that. Within three days after Skyping for the first time, I bought the plane ticket and booked a hotel. She was elated and surprised. She liked my bold move.

 

The basics of my story is we never made any demands or placed pressure on each other to move. We both agreed to see how the relationship will progress, so we will just enjoy each other. Since I am financially stable (not rich, just have good financial management), I had no problem with visiting her. She really loved this about me, because it sent a clear message that I wanted to meet her, and see each other in person. We kept it simple from the beginning. We didn't talk about big major plans, such as moving from one country to another, so to not place any undue pressure on each other.

 

My advice for you, is you need to Skype using both video and audio. Not just chat messages. Interact with each other, gauge each others mannerism, and body language. This is very important before you even talk about the topic of moving between countries. After you have Skyped, how ever many times you wish, you need to make a decision to visit her. If you guys like each other, then do not hesitate. Talk with her on when would be a good idea to meet in person, and purchase your plane ticket and book a hotel. Do your research on where you will stay, how close to her, and if there is public transportation or you may have to rent a vehicle. Also research some places to visit, such as museums and sights.

[littlebitlost86]

I recently had a long-distance relationship. I am in the US, she is Europe. Unfortunately it just ended; it didn't last long. I'm sad and hurt because I wanted it to last for a long time, but it is what it is. Gotta move on. So I will give you some information how our magic happened initially. We messaged each other through email for four months, exchanged pictures of each other, and with having weekly Skype dates halfway through the four months. When I mean Skype, I mean with video and audio. I saw her mannerism, she saw mine. I saw her smile, she saw mine. We heard each others voices. We had already talked about me visiting her, which I had no problem with doing. We connected very well. After Skyping for the first time, two months into just writing ten page emails to each other every other day, I was convinced and determined of buying a plane ticket and booking a hotel to visit her. And I did just that. Within three days after Skyping for the first time, I bought the plane ticket and booked a hotel. She was elated and surprised. She liked my bold move.

 

The basics of my story is we never made any demands or placed pressure on each other to move. We both agreed to see how the relationship will progress, so we will just enjoy each other. Since I am financially stable (not rich, just have good financial management), I had no problem with visiting her. She really loved this about me, because it sent a clear message that I wanted to meet her, and see each other in person. We kept it simple from the beginning. We didn't talk about big major plans, such as moving from one country to another, so to not place any undue pressure on each other.

 

My advice for you, is you need to Skype using both video and audio. Not just chat messages. Interact with each other, gauge each others mannerism, and body language. This is very important before you even talk about the topic of moving between countries. After you have Skyped, how ever many times you wish, you need to make a decision to visit her. If you guys like each other, then do not hesitate. Talk with her on when would be a good idea to meet in person, and purchase your plane ticket and book a hotel. Do your research on where you will stay, how close to her, and if there is public transportation or you may have to rent a vehicle. Also research some places to visit, such as museums and sights.

 

Cheers Frank,

 

I know the moving question is a huge thing.

I suppose my only thought was, is it worth meeting if things can't end up going anywhere permanently?

I don't want to hurt her & would obviously like to avoid getting hurt myself & it was on my mind that meeting, starting to fall for each other (if we did), then realising it can't progress might do just that.

 

But after saying all that, I think you're right.

There's not going to be a clear answer until we meet, no matter what questions are asked & what answers are given...

At the moment I plan to keep talking to her & see how things progress.

 

Sorry to hear things didn't work out for you but can I ask, would you do the online-overseas thing again?

[justwhoiam]

is it worth meeting if things can't end up going anywhere permanently?

My personal opinion is: yes.

[littlebitlost86]

My personal opinion is: yes.

As in short - term is better than nothing?

Or intentions may change after meeting?

[Frank2thepoint]

I suppose my only thought was, is it worth meeting if things can't end up going anywhere permanently?

I don't want to hurt her & would obviously like to avoid getting hurt myself & it was on my mind that meeting, starting to fall for each other (if we did), then realising it can't progress might do just that.

 

All relationships are a risk. When you like someone romantically, you are bound to feel some kind of pain. Whether things didn't work out, or from missing each other because of distance. If you visit her and nothing happens out of it, but you have the emotional maturity to deal with it, what you can get is an experience and a friend. But you never know what will happen once you meet, especially if you guys have talked, Skyped, and there is attraction for each other, along with chemistry. It may very well develop into a relationship. If it doesn't, I know it will be painful, but it's still an experience that will shape your life and allow you to confidently know what you are capable of.

 

 

Sorry to hear things didn't work out for you but can I ask, would you do the online-overseas thing again?

 

Honestly, yes. By pursuing my ex-girlfriend, flying out to meet her, to being with her for nearly two weeks, I learned how much I am capable of, how little there is to fear from such an experience. It felt great to know that my heart knows no bounds, not even physical distance. And it was a wonderful experience, which I wish would of lasted. I was supposed to meet her again in November for three weeks, but alas, she doesn't want me to.

 

I also learned that a long distance relationship, even overseas, is no different from a close distance relationship. All relationships require trust, patience, communication, and honesty. A long distance one just requires a little extra effort on part of not taking each other for granted.

[Frank2thepoint]

As in short - term is better than nothing?

Or intentions may change after meeting?

 

My take, it's an experience that will help you grow as a person, regardless what happens. Even if it is short term, at least you tried. If you don't try, you will never know what may become of it.

[justwhoiam]

As in short - term is better than nothing?

Or intentions may change after meeting?

Neither.

 

Most moments I spent with him are memorable. So, in perspective, that alone makes it worth it for me. When we are together, I want to have the best memories about us. Mind you, not all of them were elated, but a movie can be epic in different ways.

[littlebitlost86]

Alright, this will be my last post with my thoughts here for a little while I think.

Will reply & answer questions of course but need to do some thinking by myself or I will end up using this thread as a daily journal as things change...

 

Had another 2+ hour chat today.

The more we talk the more confused I get!

 

The 2 talks we've now had & most recent texts have included a lot of "us" talk by this girl.

i.e, We're a perfect match, I'm not confident behind the wheel so you can drive & I'll be the passenger

& as I said previously a lot of "you'll" & "we'll".

 

I told her today I found her incredibly attractive, both in looks & personality (this was due to a topic we were talking about, not just a random comment)

 

I also told her she was a very deep, thoughtful person. When I said this she literally paused, took a deep breath & said this is the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to her.

Seemed strange to me (I'm assuming she's been told a lot of sweet things) but maybe it was the way I said it...

She seemed very genuine when she said that & her voice even changed, like when a girl sees a puppy dog

 

This all seemed fantastic but then towards the end of the talk we were discussing how much we've opened up to each other in such a short amount of time.

She then said that it's easier seeming it's "non-consequential" due to there being an ocean between us.

This took me by surprise a little after what had been said earlier.

 

She also bought up something i mentioned on one of the first days we spoke.

We had chatted for a while before seeing each other at all. When i finally saw her pic I jokingly said something along the lines of "I was kind of hoping I wouldn't find you so physically attractive. Unfortunately I'm likely to turn into a bumbling idiot now"

She replied that luckily she found bumbling idiots extremely cute.

(I'm sure some of these things said between us seem wrong or strange to others but anyway)

 

Today we were talking about something & that text was somehow bought up by her.

It's hard to word this but she basically asked if that was because it would have been easier to keep things purely friendly if there was no physical attraction, rather than "wanting" somebody that lived on the other side of the world.

That was partly why I had said it & so I told her that.

That I was already very interested in her personality by then (I had already told her this previously) & that mutual attraction made us that much more compatible which was hard to walk away from.

 

 

Anyway, for the people who have initially met online (such as LittleTiger) is this level of hot & cold vibe from her normal?

Because it's very confusing!

[justwhoiam]

Alright, this will be my last post with my thoughts here for a little while I think.

Come on. Are you going to leave us with all the dreadful/boring threads? At least this one seems promising

 

The more we talk the more confused I get!

You shouldn't get confused so easily. Don't hang on her every word.

 

When I said this she literally paused, took a deep breath & said this is the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to her.

Seemed strange to me (I'm assuming she's been told a lot of sweet things)

It happened to me too. I cannot get into details, but while we were together in person, he said something, I looked at him with loving eyes as the ones you described. And he was puzzled. And said: what (He had no idea what was going on). So I told him no one ever said that to me before, and he was like: what??!! He couldn't believe it. I was 38.

 

She then said that it's easier seeming it's "non-consequential" due to there being an ocean between us.

Well, you can rise to the bait or not. Up to you. You can ignore the comment or say something. How did you react to that? As far as I'm concerned, I don't like him to ignore my statements, in general. But anyway, she said something true. As long as you're there and she's in a different place, nothing's gonna happen. It might be a stretch though, because even without meeting, when someone becomes part of your daily routine, you're already affected one way or the other, on some level. And the extent varies depending on how deep the talks get and how long they last....... (see 10 minutes of superficial chat every day vs. 3 hours of deep talks)

 

I'm sure some of these things said between us seem wrong or strange to others but anyway

Not to me.

 

Anyway, for the people who have initially met online, is this level of hot & cold vibe from her normal?

I don't see the hot & cold like you do, but I see how you can perceive it that way. To me, it's rational thought setting in. So you mix rational statements vs emotional reactions/statements, and you think they are contradicting. I think they normally coexist.

 

Hot & cold is something totally different to me.

[littlebitlost86]

Haha, hey if you're interested then that's fine.

Just didn't want to be updating after every talk like a love sick teenager then when I'm actually in desperate need of advice or something my updates get ignored.

Boy who cried wolf sort of thing...

 

I know I shouldn't be taking every word to heart but I'll be honest. I'm inexperienced when it comes to a girl like this that I seem to have a real connection with & can actually picture the possibility of a future with.

I'm no lady killer at the best of times but this is the first girl in a long time I truly worry about missing out on a chance with.

 

I wonder if she's used to compliments mainly on her physical attributes & something more intimate & personal took her by surprise...

I meant what I said but I was quite stunned by her reaction.

 

I'm all too aware that nothing can happen until we meet.

It's how to approach that subject that's a little daunting.

 

I'm not sure whether I ask her if this is what she considers a "normal" friendship/conversation or something more.

Do I simply say I am interested enough that I want to meet her so when suits?

 

To be honest my reply brushed over what she said, which is out of character for me.

It was part of a bigger sentence with her talking a lot & I think I just gave an "mmm" while she continued

Probably a mistake, but after the way she'd been talking just minutes earlier it came out of nowhere & caught me completely by surprise.

 

We definitely seem to be part of each others daily life at the moment. She initiates contact a lot which she obviously wouldn't do if she wasn't interested in something.

She's also sending me a lot of pics suddenly (all innocent)

 

As for the talks there's been countless texts over a month & close to 5 hours of talking over just 2 days.

Topics vary of course but are often VERY deep.

A lot about life goals & future dreams, family, love, ideal partners, views on marriage, etc.

Way too much to mention.

I've shared things with her I've never told anyone & she's said the same about what she's told me.

We were recapping tonight & that's how the "easier to talk to someone non-consequential" thing was bought up.

 

Cheers, I sometimes feel like the personal conversations you have with someone can be so hard for others to understand but I need to repeat parts for examples.

 

By hot & cold I just meant one minute she almost seems to be imagining a future together then in the next sentence says something that suggests (to me at least) she may have no interest in anything beyond our current situation.

 

BTW thanks for your interest.

I have noone I can really talk to about this (I do but they'd think it's crazy! )

[justwhoiam]

Do you have anything against the letter "r"? Because you wrote "bought up" three times... Shouldn't it be "brought up"? Or maybe it's some Aussie thing? Just wondering...

 

Anyway: relax. I'm afraid you're going to give away these vibes about being nervous...

 

Again, I don't think that being rational and emotional means being hot & cold. To me, hot & cold refers to behaving inconsistently. For example, going from all flirty, supernice or wooing to abrupt, like: "hey, gtg. Nite." And you leave like that, that very second you say that. I mean: wow. You didn't even have 2 minutes to say goodnight properly. So that to me is hot & cold.

 

I don't see her being hot & cold if she treats you consistently.

 

Regarding when and how to tell her about a visit: what part didn't you understand? Because that was covered at the very beginning of this thread, in different posts.

[littlebitlost86]

It's an Aussie thing

No, it's really just an I'm typing quickly on my phone thing. My bad.

 

I'm not really like this with her.

I keep my doubts & insecurities for here

But I understand.

 

Yes I see what you mean re: hot & cold.

Wrong choice of words...

I just mean mixed signals & I can definitely see the reason for it.

[fred123]

hi iv been reqding this thread with interest.

i hope it works our for u. i would be so jealous.

 

you can read my thread it might help you. it will put a reality check on you. mine wasnt the best and ended up being awful. be careful

[Frank2thepoint]

I personally think you are over-analyzing the correspondence. She is talking to you, entertaining you, and initiating conversation. Therefore she is interested in you. With the "hot & cold" thing that you perceive, is really her testing you to see if you will bring yourself to make a decision to visit her. She is entertaining the idea that something may happen that would lead to a LDR, but she is also being realistic about that you may never come and just remain friends.

 

Instead of reading into every little thing she says, you should consider are you willing to visit her. You'll never know what may happen, such as a relationship, or just friendship, unless you take a risk.

[littlebitlost86]

Alright, been speaking to this bird more.

 

Last night we had a huge phone conversation & some pretty serious stuff was brought up. Some topics were just touched on, others were in-depth.

 

She came right out & told me she feels a really strong connection to me & it's such a shame that we're so far apart.

She mentioned the distance between us a few times & I told her there's ways around that, starting with me getting a passport & she admitted that she's actually slightly terrified of the idea

(If I'm honest so am I but in different ways)

Funnily enough at one point she mentioned it was due to meeting a stranger, I could be anyone, but at another time she said it was because it's such a big thing with international flight, etc...

 

She's not a huge internet person normally (this level of communication with someone overseas is totally new to me too) & the horror stories that we've all heard have left her with some fears about meeting a stranger.

Fair enough. I can totally understand this & explained that to her.

IMO it's much different, as a guy meeting a girl, than the other way around.

 

Another thing she mentioned was what would happen if we met up & did hit it off? Before I had a chance to answer she was saying that maybe it's silly to even think about it too much & was halfway into another sentence.

But I'm now confident she has similar things to me on her mind about us.

If it's brought up again I think I will say that if we do decide to meet, the future is something we can either discuss before or see where things lead first & worry about that later.

 

She made a few more references about moving to Australia & I responded positively (of course) but I didn't push the point too much with direct questioning. It seems to me like she's rolling the idea around in her own head & I don't want to influence that too much at the moment.

 

At one point I mentioned that a girl like her was hard to find & she said she felt the same about me. Her reply was like "well, maybe this will end up leading somewhere, maybe it's just a learning experience about ourselves & each other, either way I'm enjoying it" or something along those lines.

 

So basically at this point I know that our interest in each other is mutual which is a good start.

Where it might lead is uncertain at the moment but we'll see what happens!

[LittleTiger]

Alright, been speaking to this bird more.

 

Last night we had a huge phone conversation & some pretty serious stuff was brought up. Some topics were just touched on, others were in-depth.

 

She came right out & told me she feels a really strong connection to me & it's such a shame that we're so far apart.

She mentioned the distance between us a few times & I told her there's ways around that, starting with me getting a passport & she admitted that she's actually slightly terrified of the idea

(If I'm honest so am I but in different ways)

Funnily enough at one point she mentioned it was due to meeting a stranger, I could be anyone, but at another time she said it was because it's such a big thing with international flight, etc...

 

She's not a huge internet person normally (this level of communication with someone overseas is totally new to me too) & the horror stories that we've all heard have left her with some fears about meeting a stranger.

Fair enough. I can totally understand this & explained that to her.

IMO it's much different, as a guy meeting a girl, than the other way around.

 

Another thing she mentioned was what would happen if we met up & did hit it off? Before I had a chance to answer she was saying that maybe it's silly to even think about it too much & was halfway into another sentence.

But I'm now confident she has similar things to me on her mind about us.

If it's brought up again I think I will say that if we do decide to meet, the future is something we can either discuss before or see where things lead first & worry about that later.

 

She made a few more references about moving to Australia & I responded positively (of course) but I didn't push the point too much with direct questioning. It seems to me like she's rolling the idea around in her own head & I don't want to influence that too much at the moment.

 

At one point I mentioned that a girl like her was hard to find & she said she felt the same about me. Her reply was like "well, maybe this will end up leading somewhere, maybe it's just a learning experience about ourselves & each other, either way I'm enjoying it" or something along those lines.

 

So basically at this point I know that our interest in each other is mutual which is a good start.

Where it might lead is uncertain at the moment but we'll see what happens!

 

That all sounds very positive - and exciting - I hope it works out for both of you.

Edited October 11, 2014 by LittleTiger

[littlebitlost86]

Hey,

 

Haven't updated in a while. A LOT, & also, not much has happened, all at the same time...

 

We're at the point now where IMO we need to arrange to meet & see how things go but she is EXTREMELY scared.

 

Scared that we'll meet & not have the same connection.

Scared that I've built up expectations that she won't meet.

Scared that we will have the same connection & that opens up a lot more tough questions & problems.

Scared that things are moving so quickly.

Scared that me flying over makes this real...

 

She's told me she's scared because she's never been in love & she thinks that's a real possibility here. That obviously means she's afraid of getting hurt.

& I'm afraid of hurting her... I don't want that.

 

She also feels a lot of pressure as I've basically decided what I want to do so now she feels this whole thing between us is on her shoulders.

Everything rests on her decision...

She's getting down on herself for being too "weak" to decide what she wants to do.

I hate that!

 

She admitted she's very guarded when it comes to getting emotionally involved & often talks herself out of what could be great by over-analysing things.

She's going to overthink it until she convinces herself it's not a good idea.

I'm worried that's going to happen here. Really worried...

 

 

Any advice for either of us?

I feel like I'm hurting this girl with the decisions I'm asking her to make.

& they can't be avoided. We try, it's impossible. That's where the conversation ends up & then it goes around in circles until we both have headaches!

[justwhoiam]

Guys don't listen..................

 

In a (big) nutshell:

 

1. Can you buy a flight with an open return flight?

2. Can you arrange to meet her casually once, so that she's free to draw back if she wants to? Like you meet her a Saturday afternoon, if she wants to spend more time with you, you'll extend the date till later that night and then take her home and go back to your hotel. Otherwise you'll have a couple of hours with her in the afternoon.

3. If she feels insecure, she can come with a friend to the meeting place, which will be a public venue of some kind. Even better if she comes with a couple of friends, so that their friends will be in each other's company while you two can talk freely without them around or too near.

4. It's as serious as you want it to be. You need to separate the fact that you're a serious man from the fact that meeting her is NOT a matter or life or death: it is casual. If you make it bigger than it is, that will put pressures on her.

5. I tried to tell you not to leave the ball in her court... but you didn't listen. It had been enough that you had a chance to go to the US for whatever reason, and wanted to seize the opportunity to see her. Now she knows you're flying there expressly for her, and for a woman it's a big responsibility. You need to assure her that you have no expectations from this all.

6. If things click, you start from there and decide. You have a lifetime before you. Every door is open. If things don't click, you are just friends as you used to be. I warn you. The amount of communication you saw so far will fizzle out. But there's a good chance you'll stay friends for a long time or for life. Sure there won't be that drive you reserve for a lover... or a crush, but you get attached to a friend anyway, and in times of need you'll (virtually) be there for each other.

[seastar93]

Hey,

 

Not sure if you'll be interested in my own story but it's a bit similar to yours. Feel free to ignore it I can babble on too much sometimes . Actually it's really nice for me to hear other people have had similar experiences and that I'm not the only crazy person on the planet!

 

I met my boyfriend on a forum about a year ago - he made a post that made me laugh for the first time in a long time, so I sent him a private message and the rest went from there, within a couple of weeks we were crazy about each other and messaging constantly. He's from Finland and I'm from Australia.

 

A month or so into it we called each other and had a pretty awkward 5 minute conversation (we're both shy) before he said bye because he had to go to sleep (it was 3am his time we'd been chatting online for that long ).

 

So anyway we started hinting at the possibility of meeting (I said if I went to Finland one day would you want to meet, he said yes).

 

After a while we finally got the courage to skype video call, also we added each other on facebook so we had a bit of reassurance that it wasn't a scam or anything.

 

Then in the middle of this year I got the chance to travel to Europe so we managed to arrange to meet in Stockholm. We met in a park, it was the most incredible experience haha. I was there first and sent him a message telling him I'd arrived, then I had the most suspenseful wait of my life, sitting in a park looking around for when he'd arrive. Then I saw him crossing the road and I freaked out... I was half laughing half having a panick attack I think

 

So we walked up to each other and stared for a few moments before we said we should hug so we hugged and then sat down and had no idea what to do! It was pretty awkward but in a cute way. He had to meet my sister and her boyfriend who were waiting at a coffee shop as a sort of "safety" precaution for me I guess (you're lucky you're 28 and male and don't have to worry about having a protective mother lol), and then we spent the day together. We finally broke the ice when we held hands and I kissed him

 

We spent the week together in Stockholm and by the end all awkwardness had evaporated and I was crying on the way to the airport. Now we're back to long distance and coming up to our 1 year anniversary. He's planning on flying over here early next year and staying with me for about a month. And once we both graduate from University in a couple of years I feel like the world opens up for us, we're both open to moving and traveling together.

 

Anyway, sorry for making this so long. I figured it might help if you heard someone else's experience.

 

I agree and think you should go for it, I sort of got inspired by that same quote you did when I was going through this - "I'd rather regret the things I've done than the things I haven't done". If it doesn't work out at least you've learned from the experience, and met an amazing person.

 

If she's really scared about the meeting you could suggest she has a friend there with her when you meet. Also there's just simple things that I'm sure you've thought about - meeting somewhere public, having somewhere to go afterwards (coffee shop etc). Have some support for yourself too - tell a good friend about what you're doing and if it doesn't work out you'll have someone to talk to. If she's afraid of the pressure I guess all you can do is reassure her that there's no pressure on her shoulders, you want to meet her and that's it. You're not moving too fast you're just taking the next step. If things don't work out or do work out then you can figure it out together when that happens. Just reassure her... girls like reassurance (at least I know I do).

 

Good luck, I really hope it works out for you I figure why rule out someone who could make your life so special just because they live overseas?

Edited October 20, 2014 by seastar93