My mom won't take care of her health

[Eivuwan]

My mom has done a terrible job of taking care of her health for a long time. She has chronic issues with gum disease (that could be life threatening if it's not treated). She has not had a new pair of glasses in like a decade and is walking into glass doors because she can't see clearly. Not only can she not see distance clearly, she has to take off her glasses and put the newspaper 4 inches from her face to read it. I repeatedly tell her over the years that she needs to see a dentist, that she needs to get new glasses. I even offered to go with her. I told her that it's worth it to spend money on your health and that that is more important than getting a new tv. She ignores it and tries to treat herself with random meds/remedies that don't work.

 

To add to all this she spends at least a few times a day criticizing someone for something that they do. It's also ironic that it's usually criticism about how they are not eating healthy or not taking care of their health. She's constantly projecting her worries onto me and worrying about my health when she's the one with health issues. Just now, I exploded. Her gum disease flared up again she has had pain for the past few weeks. Of course, I told her to see the dentist and she refused. She asked me to look at these random antibiotics leftover from other members of the family to see if it's suitable. I told her angrily that I am not a doctor and that she should stop taking random meds. Then she went to ask my uncle and his wife who happened to be staying with us at the time for advice on what meds to buy. I just yelled at her about what she's doing and told my uncle to stop giving her advice about meds because she needs to see a dentist.

 

It's really awkward and out of character for me to do that but I've just reached my breaking point. I'm so frustrated and worried about her. Of course, my mom just laughs it off and avoids the issue once again. I don't think there's anything else I can do and I just made my uncle and aunt felt awkward. I don't really know what I want from you guys. I guess I'm just venting because right now I don't have anyone else that I feel comfortable talking to about these family issues. I just want to cry.

[jay1983]

I feel you, I have the exact same problems with my dad and even more. He's had dentures for decades now and eats very unhealthy. He likes pizza, eats that shyt almost every day and a lot of it. That's about the only american thing he'll eat. If it's not native to our culture, he has to force himself to eat it and doesn't enjoy it.

 

He had a heart attack in 94 from smoking a pack a day for 2 decades. He stopped smoking after that, but no exercise or healthy food. Fast forward 2009 he started smoking again. He was in the marines, stationed in iraq with nothing to do and everybody smoked. 2013 he was he's second heart attack. A mild one, he drove himself to the hospital, 3 day recovery, they had to put a stent in him and he owes something like $30,000.

 

Guess what? he's back to pizza and smoking and it hasn't even been a year.

I've tried and he knows what to do and still refuses to do it.

 

Only thing he did right was he got lasic eye surgery which fixed he's eye sight.

[Dontfindme]

I'm sorry to hear this. It sucks when parents don't take their health seriously.

 

Is it possible for you to make the appointment on her behalf, and then accompany her on the day of?

[jay1983]

I'm sorry to hear this. It sucks when parents don't take their health seriously.

 

Is it possible for you to make the appointment on her behalf, and then accompany her on the day of?

 

Yeah, you should try to drag her ass, no sarcasm.

 

Or you could tell you're taking her to her favorite place and pull up at the doctor's. lol

[Dontfindme]

Dragging their behinds works wonderfully! I have done it!

[Eivuwan]

Thanks guys. I have thought about dragging her somehow or forcing her somehow, but that would just reinforce our toxic relationship pattern that I am trying to break out of. My mom is quite dependent (I feel like the mom a lot of the times) and very stubborn. She also has a controlling personality and does not respect other people's choices or boundaries. If I force her to go, I would just be doing to her the same things that she does or tries to do to me.

 

I live with her because I'm working my way through a doctoral program and everyday, I get several criticisms about how I do things and attempts to control or change me. I am getting better at tolerating it, but that controlling behaviour pisses me off. I don't want to become my mom even though it's pretty clear that my concerns are legit concerns and hers are over superstitious, bizarre, or petty things. For example, she doesn't cook salt with eggs because there might be some kind of harmful chemical reaction sighhh.

[Eivuwan]

It's sad because the one thing that she was somewhat willing to do was see a mental health counselor. I called a bunch of places, and was not able to find someone to see her for a low fee who also speaks Chinese. She is too "rich" for medicaid, but too poor to want to buy her own insurance. That's one of the main reasons she refuses to get medical care. But then she turns around and buys a $400 TV and complains that it's too blurry when it's her glasses that's the issue. She's actually quite health obsessed except for these obvious things that she actually needs to do. Her priorities are always so bizzare. Honestly, I think the bigger issue might be her mental health problems which are preventing her from making intelligent decisions about many other important things in her life. But then I can't find a therapist for her.

[jay1983]

Okay if you don't wanna trick her, like I suggested, break down and cry about. Go into the worst mode you can (or fake if you can) and cry until she goes to the doctor. I take my son to a chinese doctor, he's only $60 and he's fantastic.

 

Edit: I know there are many different dialects of chinese. That might be difficult.

Edited September 27, 2014 by jay1983

[Eivuwan]

Haha, I think I did broke down today. I was telling her how much it hurts me to see her do this blah blah. She laughed about it (she always does this when she's uncomfortable and trying to avoid the truth). The last thing she said was for me to stop talking because she heard me. I hope it's for real this time. She knows places where she can go to get cheap medical care even if it's not completely free. She has a lot of other issues that prevents her from going. Money, distrust of doctors, thinking she can fix stuff on her own etc.

 

Edit: Her dad is the same way. He had a stomach ulcer and was vomiting blood, but refused to go to the hospital. They begged and pleaded and eventually had to call 911 to drag him there. My mom isn't at the stage where I can go make a 911 call though.

[jellybean89]

She is probably scared. Scared of the doctors diagnosis. Even with health insurance, glasses are very expensive. And dentists are outrageously expensive. She grew up watching her dad not take care if himself, so constant nagging or criticism isn't going to change her lifelong views on this. Be patient and caring...and then drop it.

[Eivuwan]

I do want to just leave the issue alone most of the time. It's emotionally exhausting for me to keep repeating myself. The problem, is that it's hard for me to avoid it when she's the one who keeps coming to me at least a few times a week asking me how she can fix her gums or why the tv is blurry. She treats me like I'm suppose to know everything, but never actually listens to any of my advice. Sometimes, I wonder if I should just move out for my own sanity, but it hasn't gotten to the point in which I'm seething everyday.

[Keenly]

Given other people the basic respect to let them live their own lives.

I've known a lot of women to use the " I Carr about you " line to justify harassing some one about how they choose to live their life, but its just that. THEIR life.

 

 

Let them live in whatever way makes them happy, because to insist that they do not is selfish.

[jonsnuh]

I've told my dad to avoid high sodium, nasty processed food like hot dog sausages, and oily stuff, but there has never been any change despite being financially well off enough to buy cleaner and healthier foods.

 

All I can say is that it might have to do with their conditioning growing up (since he came from a very destitute background), and whatever I do won't have any impact. The best option would to avoid hurting yourself in the process since it can be very draining and frustrating, by just leaving your parents to their own devices.

[Eivuwan]

Given other people the basic respect to let them live their own lives.

I've known a lot of women to use the " I Carr about you " line to justify harassing some one about how they choose to live their life, but its just that. THEIR life.

 

 

Let them live in whatever way makes them happy, because to insist that they do not is selfish.

 

You are oversimplifying this whole issue. She is my mom and I fear for her well-being. Also, I'm harassed constantly by HER because of these issues. She keeps asking me how to solve her health issues without ever listening to me.

[Eivuwan]

I feel like at this point I've done all I can without actually resorting to force or trickery. My personality is such that I don't like nagging other people or telling them what to do, but when it's your mom who you live with everyday, it's hard to avoid. I'm tired. I think when she bothers me again about this stuff, I will just have to shut her out for my own sanity. Maybe I'll just tell her that I have already said everything I wanted to say on this issue.

[Eivuwan]

I've told my dad to avoid high sodium, nasty processed food like hot dog sausages, and oily stuff, but there has never been any change despite being financially well off enough to buy cleaner and healthier foods.

 

All I can say is that it might have to do with their conditioning growing up (since he came from a very destitute background), and whatever I do won't have any impact. The best option would to avoid hurting yourself in the process since it can be very draining and frustrating, by just leaving your parents to their own devices.

 

You know if my mom were like, I understand the risks and that's how I choose to live my life, I would be fine with that. It's her life. Problem is that she's actually a health nut, but with very bizarre beliefs about what is healthy. She's also a big hypocrite about this issue and hypocrisy is just one of those things that really irritates me.

[Tayla]

Buy a note pad, keep it with you. Each time she criticizes, write it down. Then when she at a later time mention's this perceptive yet probably invalid flaw, say Yup Mom! You told me that on this date at this time. Appreciate your desire to improve my character traits and habits, Btw, How's that (insert health problem) going? Any luck in using (peroxide , salt water) for your gums? Then change the subject.

Make it a habit to validate her obscure logic and follow it up with suggestions to improve her own matter. It balances things out.

[jonsnuh]

Buy a note pad, keep it with you. Each time she criticizes, write it down. Then when she at a later time mention's this perceptive yet probably invalid flaw, say Yup Mom! You told me that on this date at this time. Appreciate your desire to improve my character traits and habits, Btw, How's that (insert health problem) going? Any luck in using (peroxide , salt water) for your gums? Then change the subject.

Make it a habit to validate her obscure logic and follow it up with suggestions to improve her own matter. It balances things out.

 

The only downside I can see from this is if she has a very sensitive personality, and thinks this might be a 'punching' bout in trading blows. This could very well work if you sound genuinely caring and appreciative.

 

Just to mention a few alternatives: I've found talking to friends who are academics like to compare studies and sources, and rule out fads within a Socratic dialogue framework. Would visiting a trusted nutritionist provide some authoritative and objective guidance that she might be receptive to?

[Tayla]

Agreed, no method is without its flaws, as you have carefully denoted. Its an alternative suggestion and contingent on being utilized in a way that garners an overall positive result. Most folks resist abrupt change and consider it a challenge to resist. The key is to moderate that behavior and outcome in a way that benefits both sides.

[acapelo_dp]

Given other people the basic respect to let them live their own lives.

I've known a lot of women to use the " I Carr about you " line to justify harassing some one about how they choose to live their life, but its just that. THEIR life.

 

 

Let them live in whatever way makes them happy, because to insist that they do not is selfish.

 

You can respect an individuals right to live their own lives, but when it's someone you love and care about and it's a life-threatening issue, it's totally different. I would try my best to get your mom to see a dentist/doctor.

 

My mother was like your mom. She didn't take care of her health. She didn't take care of her teeth, ate crap, and smoked like a chimney. I pushed her and encouraged her to stop smoking my entire life. With the help of my dad and I she quit for just one year. My mom had lung cancer in 2011, and again just 6 months ago. This time it took her life. She did not take care of herself properly. I sure as hell am not selfish because I tried to tell her to eat healthy and stop smoking, and to go regularly visit a doctor. At least I can say I tried.

[Eivuwan]

You can respect an individuals right to live their own lives, but when it's someone you love and care about and it's a life-threatening issue, it's totally different. I would try my best to get your mom to see a dentist/doctor.

 

My mother was like your mom. She didn't take care of her health. She didn't take care of her teeth, ate crap, and smoked like a chimney. I pushed her and encouraged her to stop smoking my entire life. With the help of my dad and I she quit for just one year. My mom had lung cancer in 2011, and again just 6 months ago. This time it took her life. She did not take care of herself properly. I sure as hell am not selfish because I tried to tell her to eat healthy and stop smoking, and to go regularly visit a doctor. At least I can say I tried.

 

Yeah, I can't believe he called me selfish. The update is that after my aunt and uncle heard about the issue, they are talking to her about it too. They said they'll bring her to the doc, but she's still refusing. I think I will just have to leave it alone for awhile because right now the more we pressure her, the more stubborn she gets. Maybe we will just have to wait for the pain to become intolerable before she will go. =/

[nikahexplorer]

You have to be strong enough, you should need someone who will tell your mom to take care of her health, that one must be elder than your mom.

[gaius]

Sorry to hear it Eivu, I have to physically force my grandmother to get in the shower once a week or she starts stinking like a corpse. Depression can ravage entire families even when it's just in one person.

 

The only thing I can suggest is basically a whole family intervention where you make the appointment, all gather together one day and take her whether she wants to or not. But I get it if you can't. =/

[Arieswoman]

Hi Eivuan,

First of all let me say that I am sorry that you are so upset about your mum, and I understand that this is a difficult situation for you.

 

However, I am going to approach this in a different way to other posters as I have a background in healthcare that goes back many years.

 

I don't know what the situation is in USA (but I assume it runs along the same lines)but in UK the individual - unless they are Sectioned under the Mental Health Act as mentally incompetent - has what is known as the "Right of Self Determination". This means they are free to make their own choices about the lifestyle they want to live.

 

The only time that any health care professional will intervene is if they think, in their professional judgement, that the individual is a danger to themselves or others. However, if the individual refuses to see a healthcare professional, then again, that is their right.

 

Even in a care home the resident can refuse to take medication, have a bath, eat etc and the staff cannot force the resident to do any of these activities.

 

Has your mum been assessed for a mental health problem? I say this because it seems that some of her reasoning is a bit flawed.

 

It would also help if you could say what age your mum is? Does she live alone ? If you could give a bit more information it would help.

 

Best wishes AW

[Gloria25]

Eiuvan, I feel your pain...know that you have my most sympathy

 

It's hard to watch someone you care about self-destruct...But, cuz they're your parent, you want to respect their right to live their life they way they want to. And yes, unless it's serious stuff, you probably can't get a court or doctor to intervene.

 

When my mom first came back to stay with me, she was obese, wasn't taking her meds, and la-di-da...She sat around the house and moped all day (and still does until she got this job recently - which I HAD to apply for it for her cuz all she does is sit around and "says she's bored", but does nothing about it).

 

What I did is remind her that SHE IS IN MY HOUSE and as long as I am responsible for her, she'd better take care of herself. I also was blunt and asked her that if she's committing "slow suicide" (where someone just lets themselves go instead of killing themselves).

 

Now, it hasn't been easy and up till this morning, she just still pisses me off. It's gotten a lot better. She's lost weight, but still eats a lot. But, there's some pluses. She walks with me sometimes and has changed some of the ways she prepares food (and me yelling at her a couple of times). Occasionally I still go through stuff in her room and bathroom and make sure she's not hurting herself - I end up throwing away expired pills and stuff. We are still in disagreement on how to treat a bruise she got on her leg.

 

Now.....I have an opposite view on this issue too. My dad was an a-hole. He took over care of his mother and her husband and took their money, then, had the nerve to tell her what she could/could not eat and that she could not smoke.

 

My grandma was tough as nails. She had two strokes and kept on smoking. She would take the cigarettes, smoke them to a point and just turn them around and suck on them all day. Even after she died (from cervical cancer) I would keep on remembering to pick her up a pack of cigarettes on my way home.

 

I hate my father for doing that to her. Unlike my mother (who is dependent on me), he TOOK my grandmother's money, sold her house, then had the nerve to move them into his house and tell her how HE wanted her to live. He made her last days on this planet a misery. I hate him so much for that. Who is he to take her money, put her on an allowance and tell her how to live?

 

So, IMO, if your mother lives with you and you are responsible for her, I believe you have the right to place certain expectations on her. It's just like a person who still lives with their parents - people get to make up their own rules if they are responsible for themselves...They have no right to be under your roof and make you miserable.

 

I wish you luck, cuz I know how difficult it can get. I can't wait for mum to go visit the family overseas cuz my patience is wearing thin...and I just want my house to myself so I can walk around naked and do what I want without "mommy's watchful eye"...

 

I also read some books about setting boundaries with aging parents, by Allison Bottke.

Edited October 13, 2014 by Gloria25