Should I hold off?

[JSD]

So my wife has asked for her space we are currently still married but she doesnt feel we have a future. Now I know that I shouldnt send this letter right away but Im at the stage of even if its over I can get my apology off my chest.

 

 

 

You were sure your heart would be safe with me, so you gaveit to me, but over the years, I left you feeling neglected and insignificant. Youlooked after the kids and house while every time I was home, I played with myxbox or watched TV. For years you begged for help, but I defended myself andignored you. This must have been awful for you, the very man you looked to forprotection, was the biggest threat to your sanity. You planned family events,social gatherings without any help, thanks, and more often than not without myattendance. Words cannot express my regret on how alone and unappreciated youmust of felt, and the deep hatred for myself for allowing you to shoulder italone. I am horrified that it took me this long to realize the depth of pain Icaused you throughout the years. I now realize your request for space andhardened heart is essential to you for your emotional survival. I’m still in disbeliefthat I have caused you this much pain. If I could go back in time I would beatseven shades of **** out of myself for not opening my eyes to thedisappointment and devastation I was causing you. My selfishness left youfeeling alone and scared you deserved to be treated valuable but myself-centeredness made you feel worthless and deprived of affection. I amovercome with deep pain of how I treated you and don’t deserve your forgivenessfor this nor will I forgive myself.

 

As much as I want us to remain a family. My intent is not totry and change your mind, It’s to help you see, I want to sew what I’ve toreopen. I realize I had many opportunities to correct this long ago, and fullyunderstand how you cannot trust me. My hopes are that you see the empathy Ihave for the hurt I have caused. I genuinely want you to let me help mend your wounds.

 

As I look back over the years I realize now that all thosetimes you tried to share your feelings and heart with me, I would respond as ifyou were attacking me or starting an argument. I didn’t see it then but I see now, that you did try to warn and expressyour disappointment with me. The load of being alone with the children, and mycriticism of everything you did would make any woman fearful of the future. Youtried over and over to express your feelings and I neglected them at everyturn. I also realize there is no apology or explanation good enough for the wayI treated you, and the condescending ways I spoke to you. You do deserve to feel free and loved, notcontrolled and on a schedule of my choosing. Nothing or no one excluding ourchildren mean so much to me as you, and I can’t believe I let you get to this state

 

I also understand how selfish it is for me to ask you not totalk to your best friend about this. Regardless of her disposition of me. Anytrue friend should hate me for this, especially one who has seen you let downtime and time again over the years. You need someone who can offer the comfortyou deserve. She has every right to hate me at this moment.

 

In closing I fully understand and truly empathize with your feelingsand I’m not looking for forgiveness. I do however believe that this marriageand family is worth fighting for, and believe it will make us much stronger inthe end if we can start new, not look back on the past. I don’twant or expect a pass, or to rewrite the past, I would just love a chance tostart fresh with my family, but understand your doubtfulness of giving me achance to get close again. I am very committed to bettering myself as a humanbeing and in some aspects see how this has already made me stronger. I will be attending a therapist for one onone sessions to better understand how to be more affectionate and open mindedto people’s feelings, and to get a better understanding of why I lackedthe self-awareness of what I was doing,as I will not let myself emotionallydamage anyone like this again. I know I’m fighting the too little too latescenario, but believe that it’s never too late for someone to become a betterfather,husband,brother,friend, son or person in general, and sometimes it justtakes a painful reality check to put them on the right path. I hope that youcan see this has indeed has had a deep impact on the way, it strengthened my love and appreciation for ourfamily, and life in general. Hopefully you can find it in you not to forget ormove on, but to see I am sincere in wanting to help your healing process. HoweverI respect your boundaries and realize you need time, and space. I want you toknow that, I realize I was not reliable in the past for you to open your heart to, and the doubt you have about me now is morethan understandable , but I am sincere in the fact that I want to see you startthe healing process I'm not here for criticismor judgment. I made terrible mistakes and there's nothing more I would like buta chance to win your trust back. I'm sorry , I love you.

 

]Now im not a great writer so some of the lines were taken from letters I read online that apply to my situation, but for the most part its from my heart.

Edited September 27, 2014 by JSD

[JSD]

I hate how it gets all messed up and words join when coyping from word. Sorry guys

[d0nnivain]

Don't send her a letter but do sit her down & say all those things to her. Letters never work but open honest communication, sincere contrition and a meaningful effort to change do work. When you talk to her bring a list of good local marriage counselors.

[evanescentworld]

Don't send it, even though the words are meaningful, they are still not your words.

When a woman wants space, she wants space from YOU. Remember that, and get it through your head.

To her, YOU are the problem.

Giving her this letter just adds more unwanted pressure, and demands her attention.

That's precisely what she doesn't want to give you, and precisely why she wants to distance herself from you.

 

Sadly, when a woman wants space, what she also usually means is - "For good".

 

She's your wife, is fed up of making the effort, wants out - but doesn't want to be "The Bad Guy" so she's creeping off step by step.

 

The very best thing you could do, right now, is to send nothing, say nothing, do nothing. Drop off her radar and permit her to re-initiate contact.

 

It's something she will hAVE to do, at one point, whether she likes it or not.

And at that point, all you have to do is to ask her what she has decided.

Does she want this marriage to continue, or not?

[JSD]

She doesn't want to talk it about it that's the problem. I'm also in the Middle East at work so I can't sit down right now. She wants space due to my pleading and excessive phone calls and texts. I just thought I'd wait a few days and send this telling her we didn't need to talk about but if she would she could read what I had to say.

[JSD]

She asked for the space as I was smothering her with why but and I cans, she said she will call me when she is ready as I'm in the Middle East working. We already have a therapist booked but I believe she will either back right before I get home or is just going and doesn't have any intention of trying to say she did. If you want you can look at my other post "why didn't I open my eyes" for more insight

[JSD]

I will give her space but I don't know if I believe everytime they say that it's for good. We were talking and getting along until I started my proding, we shall see though she is suppose to pick me up at the airport and it wouldn't suprise me if she backs out first.

[d0nnivain]

How long do you have to be gone? Is the fact that you work so far away a factor in her decision to leave? Do you have any job prospects closer to home?

 

If she can't take the distance & you can't support your family any other way, there may not be much you can do to fix this.

[JSD]

I work month in month out and I do think possibly it's been a problem but the real problem lies in my neglect at home on days off I just never showed her how much I cared. Also there's only a very few lines in there that were copied for the most part I just used a basis I found on how to express my feelings in a letter as I'm not great at emotions. It's 100% from the heart and 97% my words

[evanescentworld]

I repeat, for my part, do NOT send this.

I promise you at best, it will do no good, and at worst it will just make her withdraw a lot quicker.

And possibly, "meaner".

[JSD]

I am 50/50 on that but I agree she did ask for space. However she's gonna leave if she's gonna leav no?

[JSD]

Dropping off the radar is difficult with two children at home. She did have them call me this morning, but I only spoke to them. She also told a friend she does still love me and sees that I am trying but is up and down on what to do

[JSD]

However I will hold off and not send it as she wants space and there's nothing I can do I am at her mercy, and evanescencetworld has me scared ****less and a little hurt right now.

[evanescentworld]

One thing's for sure: If you back off, you have a chance to make a go of things. If you pester and persist, that chance gets blown.

 

I'm not trying to scare you, I'm trying to help you be realistic. The problem is, you're leading this by thinking with the heart, and that's the worst possible thing to do.

Letting your emotions rule over reason.

[JSD]

You're right it is the worst thing I can do.

[JSD]

I love you Scott, I have been with you since we were just barely legal age to be considered adults. We have grown together and life has taken us far, from that **** hole duplex with a bunch of partying to our home now with a bunch of kids! However I do feel like we have lived as room mates for many years. I remember when I first fell in love with you! It was exciting and fun. I'm not sure when things changed but I know I have contemplated leaving you many times. I remember the first time we had just moved to the trailer park, pretty sure make up sex conceived Bella! I stayed every time because I was in love with you. But this time I have some how fallen out of love with you. I can't change that. I know you think you can, but I am unsure I am willing to let you. I hate that I am hurting you so badly, it's a terrible feeling and I want to stop and say sorry and hold you and tell you everything will be ok, but I don't know that it will. I feel like we were never soul mates, not meant to be...

We have always had little in common. You are not the man I pictured marrying as a little girl in dreamland! But you have always been a very hard working, driven man, a great provider, u always can make me laugh, and u are always thinking and planing for our future dreams and places. The kids adore you and I hate the idea that I want to tear our family apart, but I feel like that may be the only way I will be able to be happy. I know we have both changed over the last 3 years and not for the better. I want to be more like the person I once was, when I was happy. I'm not anymore and I hate myself and I can't go on another day without trying to fix myself little by little. I feel like I need to be alone to do it, I don't exactly know how to explain that other than I like the person I am when your not around more than when your around. To be honest, I like my life way more when your gone. Frankly, and I know this is going to hurt, but for like the last year or so I get excited when it's time for you to leave and anxious and nervous when you are coming home. I am just so used to it. I am sorry I let this get so bad before making it clear to u. But I can't change the past only the future. And I can't say for sure if I want you in mine. I know I'm so mean, but I really didn't expect u to act like this, I kinda thought you'd get mad by now and say good riddens! I understand this sucks that much more being where you are, but I feel stronger when you are away, when you're home I am weak to your words and cave, I let you talk me into things I don't really want and I can't always find it in me to say the words I know will hurt you so bad. Also about the other night, I was not on Facebook all night ...it is wrong ???lol I am not messaging with other guys! I have not cheated on you. Really I can't imagine being with anyone... I feel like damaged goods, along with feeling fat and gross!! I am not going to be dating for a long time if we do split! I will be spending at least the first year getting to know myself and working on getting to a place where I can take care of my kids and myself confidently and not be so self loathing and depressed!! I hope we can work things out for our family but I doubt it's possible anymore... This doesn't give you permission to ask me every 12 hours where I stand on how likely I think things will work out or how I'm feeling on chances that we are gonna be ok. I do not know! I will not know for a while. I want it so bad some days and other days I just think we will both be better off alone! I hope you weren't serious when you said you cancelled the couples counselling because we def. need it! But of course I don't want to go, it's going to suck... Especially for me cuz u r such a good talker and I'm not! But I will go.

I need to get something done around here so I am going to stop writing. But I may send you an email again if I think of more words...

Again I do love and care for you very much and I am sorry for the hurt I am causing you.

 

Guess she was thinking the same

[JSD]

I guess put a fork in me.

[Mr. Lucky]

I hope you weren't serious when you said you cancelled the couples counselling because we def. need it! But of course I don't want to go, it's going to suck... Especially for me cuz u r such a good talker and I'm not! But I will go.

Why wouldn't you take advantage of this?

 

Have to be on your best "neutral" behavior if you go...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JSD]

She didn't hear me right I guess. I said I would cancel the couples therapy if she didn't want to go,but I would still go see a therapist. It's not canceled, but I fully expect her to back out.

[JSD]

So I asked to talk to her about the letter, she called. Once I started asking questions about some statements in the letter she turned into a person I never knew exsisted. She told me she wanted her space and that im starting to make her hate my guts, she told me she feel out of love with me about three months ago with a little laugh and thean said it wouldnt even affect the kids after my little boy got on the phone (his request) and told me he wanted me to come home for work and loved and missed me. The convo ended with her reluckantly saying she will see me when she gets home and to back right off. She emailed me the letter was I not suppose to ask questions? Will she even be there when I get home, her letter says yes but the phone call says no. Is a counseller for both worth the money at this time? She really doesn't seem to want to put her guard down at all and seems to have it all figured out. I just dont know what to do I feel so devistated at this point.

[beach]

You need to respect her and leave her alone for a long stretch of time.

 

Quit disrespecting her wishes.

[evanescentworld]

So I asked to talk to her about the letter, she called. Once I started asking questions about some statements in the letter she turned into a person I never knew exsisted. She told me she wanted her space and that im starting to make her hate my guts,

 

Damn! Didn't I tell you this would happen?? I'm sorry, WHy DON'T you LISTEN?? Oh Damn it all....!

 

she told me she feel out of love with me about three months ago with a little laugh and thean said it wouldnt even affect the kids after my little boy got on the phone (his request) and told me he wanted me to come home for work and loved and missed me. The convo ended with her reluckantly saying she will see me when she gets home and to back right off.

Yup. LIke I suggested you do...

 

Oh dear oh dear, oh dear....

 

She emailed me the letter was I not suppose to ask questions? Will she even be there when I get home, her letter says yes but the phone call says no. Is a counseller for both worth the money at this time? She really doesn't seem to want to put her guard down at all and seems to have it all figured out. I just dont know what to do I feel so devistated at this point.

You DO know what to do.

You've been advised what to do.

You sadly ignored the advice, but you see now how right it was....

 

Back off. Go AWOL. Fall off her radar, and leave her be.

Give her space.

 

Ands yes - she's gone.

You have lost her.

Please, try to change your Mind-Set to accept that, because things will never, ever be the way they were.

There IS no gong back, you cannot undo what has been done.

 

This is over. But for your children, the connection is broken.

[JSD]

I agree and will,but what happens when I get home in 8 days? I don't have the money to get my own place right now as overseas tax and a mess up with my company filing properly, and other circumstances have left me tapped. In fact i would give her ample space and stay here working more except for the therapist meeting which I find to be dangling in front of my face, only to be removed later is my fear.

[evanescentworld]

She didn't hear me right I guess. I said I would cancel the couples therapy if she didn't want to go,but I would still go see a therapist. It's not canceled, but I fully expect her to back out.

She will back out because she doesn't want it to work. She's not into this.

She's out of the commitment.

The Desire to make an Effort is totally absent. She wants an end to this, and any way she can get that message across, will do.

So you can hope, speak, cling, reach out, offer, pester, stifle, release, detach, whatever.

All of it is futile action, because her counter-action is complete separation.

That's what she wants from you.

A meeting of Minds that means this meeting's well and truly over.

An agreement, a compliance to her desire to go your separate ways as a couple.

 

Your children unite you, and as far as she is concerned, that is your only mutual interest. That is the only connection between you.

 

I am so sorry if my words seem harsh cold and without feeling.

I'm trying to make you see....

I'm trying to nail your feet to the ground and stop you trying to walk on clouds, because the higher you climb in your fervent hopes, the harder the tumble will be to endure....

 

Sit. Face it. And change your game-plan.

The ultimate goal now is happy, well-adjusted, contented children, who will understand these things happen, and who love their parents nonetheless.

That's your aim.

Your only aim.

[JSD]

Yup I figured you would show up. Yes you were exactly correct, and even during the mist of confusion and hurt your words echoed through my mind immediately. She called me first and then sent the letter. I had a moment of weakness and called her after the letter when I shouldn't have replied. The second we started talking about some of her feelings boom instant cold switch. Now even after this was all said and she was irate she did say again give me my space and we will see the counsler when you get home. My question is simple is there really any point in going to the therapist, her mind seems defiantly made up. That's if she doesn't pull out which I'm fully expecting anyways,though her letter says she wants to.