2003md2 Posted March 7, 2005 Share Posted March 7, 2005 Curious whether this is normal long distance/online dating behavior or whether I shouldn't have too much hope/perhaps abandon it alltogether if it doesn't progress? I've been talking online to a guy since before Christmas. At the time we started talking he lived an hour away but I was dating someone so I was putting him off. Since then he has moved pretty much full time about 8 hrs away but still has the house 1 hr from me and gets here once & a while. I have gone without emailing him for long periods but he always contacts me and starts it up again and says he wants to get to know me better. He finally asked me out when he was going to be in town this past weekend. We had a great time - dinner, good night kisses etc. He talked about things to do on future dates and that he'd be back towards the end of the month. I emailed the next day & thanked him for dinner said I hoped he had a safe trip home etc. & he emailed back and said "he couldn't wait to see me again." I emailed back kinda flirty that he'd obviously have to wait etc. and talked about my upcoming workday in court to which he responded what was going on in his town & how he'd been spending his day etc. and asked me to email him back what the "local yokals" were up to... Is this normal? I'm new to dating again being separated and getting divorced after close to 10 yrs. I know we just met but if we're not at least stepping up to the phone at this point then he's probably not that into me, right? This seems pretty exaggeratedly casual. I'll see you when I'm in town - I don't feel the need to try to make any kind of claim on you. I think I just answered my own question - I don't think I'll email him back. I'll let him "pursue" me -- such as it has been with email. At least he sent me a poem & virtual flowers for Valentine's Day LOL Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 Some guys hate talking on the phone. Some guys don't like to be disturbed by calls and so won't disturb you by calling. Besides, unless he has a phone plan, calling can get pretty pricey - maybe he's a smart dude with his money. Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 Hi 2003md2, I think that it's totally normal these days to have a "relationship" via email. I've spent tons of time communicating via that rather than on the phone. The phone can be weird, especially when you're just getting to know one another. But even then, I still like email better because I think that each person tends to concentrate more on what they're writing than what they're saying (one can be so distracted on the phone). I much prefer email, to be honest, for all kinds of my communication these days. Professional and friendship. I've planned whole weekend's activities via email tons of times with my buddies! Lots of people, I would bet, feel the same way. I don't think that you should assume that just because he's emailing you rather than calling that he's any less into you. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 If the relationship hadn't moved beyond email AFTER you had met, I'd be wary. Even though I met my husband online through a dating site, I did meet a bunch of players and people who I suspect were in relationships. Why don't you ask him to give you a call or get his number. Based on his reaction, you'll know. Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 From your post, it seems to me that you haven't been giving him a whole lot to go on. He might not know where he stands and doesn't want to force things too much. Perhaps if you stepped up a bit with the emails, made things a bit more personal, it might open things up a bit more. You have to give us guys at least a little incentive and some evidence that our affection is in some way returned. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 10, 2005 Share Posted March 10, 2005 C'mon, folks! This is a school example of a guy who wants to have a sex toy in every part of the city (in this case back in his old city). He is most likely totally unserious about relationships. Some guys don't like phone conversation?!?! He's being smart with money?! Sure... He's a player and doesn't hide it. What he says in this particular situation with this particular guy should not be taken for granted. He might even be married! Even if he likes to take things slowly and develop the relationship without any obligations at the very beginning, not calling you on the phone means he doesn't miss you or want to hear your voice. If you're okay with casual sex, you might hope that something bigger will arise from that. However, don't hope too much! If I were you, I would go out with him when he asks next time and try and read between the lines. He might sleep with you and continue to send you these circular cards and poems. But you're a big girl and you will live. Sooner or later some men who you have plans for will just want you for sex, once or twice or 30 times..C'est la vie! This whole non-exclusive-relationship generation made it hard for us women, didn't it? In good old times it would have been called using women for sex while cheating. Now it has an appropriate "innocent" name that gives men the right to fool around and give fake hopes to many women, while women are not allowed to push them or even ask them what they do when they are not around. Link to post Share on other sites
Podna Posted March 10, 2005 Share Posted March 10, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer C'mon, folks! This is a school example of a guy who wants to have a sex toy in every part of the city (in this case back in his old city). He is most likely totally unserious about relationships. Some guys don't like phone conversation?!?! He's being smart with money?! Sure... He's a player and doesn't hide it. What he says in this particular situation with this particular guy should not be taken for granted. He might even be married! Even if he likes to take things slowly and develop the relationship without any obligations at the very beginning, not calling you on the phone means he doesn't miss you or want to hear your voice. If you're okay with casual sex, you might hope that something bigger will arise from that. However, don't hope too much! If I were you, I would go out with him when he asks next time and try and read between the lines. He might sleep with you and continue to send you these circular cards and poems. But you're a big girl and you will live. Sooner or later some men who you have plans for will just want you for sex, once or twice or 30 times..C'est la vie! This whole non-exclusive-relationship generation made it hard for us women, didn't it? In good old times it would have been called using women for sex while cheating. Now it has an appropriate "innocent" name that gives men the right to fool around and give fake hopes to many women, while women are not allowed to push them or even ask them what they do when they are not around. OK, breath… that’s right, in and out… in through the nose and out through the mouth… now count to ten and relax. You could be right RP but I am not 100% sure. Guys don’t want to seem too needy and often don’t make the first move because of that. And again, some guys (like myself) don’t like the phone at all. Maybe 2003md2 you need to just ask him why he hasn’t called you. If he doesn’t want to trade off phone numbers or he acts a little strange, then you have your answer. A straight line is always the shortest distance between two points. So be direct and don’t be afraid to ask questions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2003md2 Posted March 10, 2005 Author Share Posted March 10, 2005 You really think I should ASK why he doesn't call me? I have his # & he has mine. You can find his 1st & last name w/ pictures pretty public on the computer searches w/ high school name etc. that says he's single & looking etc so I thought about the married thing but ruled it out b/c of that but that doesn't mean he's not in another relationship. I know he's actively looking b/c he's on match daily & so am I - so that's cool. We've never spoken on the phone except to confirm plans the day of our date but he has emailed every day since. I'm not all missing him or anything either -- I mean we've only had one date -- I'm the GIRL & if I'M not all that attached then I don't really expect him to miss the sound of my voice or anything - I just wondered if I shouldn't even waste my time & if I'm being played/like this is weird... I'm not sleeping with him yet so no big if I'm his NC sweet thang for now -- I can evaluate later if I care to be that if it becomes more I guess. I'm just saying if he doesn't step up I'm likely to be seeing a real guy who does call by the time he does & just wondered if this was normal in this day & age of email and computers? Should I be taking these emails and professions of interest as interest at all?? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 10, 2005 Share Posted March 10, 2005 You really think I should ASK why he doesn't call me? Sure. Next time he emails, reply with a note saying it's great he emails you a lot and ask about chatting by phone. However, I fail to understand why people are ignoring the long distance charge issue. It's EXPENSIVE and he may not want a plan. If you have a plan, tell him you do and offer to call him. If he's eight hours away, it'll definitely be long-distance to call you. RP, I think you've leapt a number of Grand Canyons of conclusions. Do you regularly call someone who lives eight hours away from you? If so, how do you keep that from being real pricey????? Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 No, don't ask him to do anything! Because in case he is not serious about a relationship (some men aren't) you'll give him an incentive to play with you and pull your nose. Don't do anything. If he wants anything from you, he will let you know one way or another. MEN DON'T SEEK FEEDBACK AFTER EVERY STEP THEY MAKE!!!!! They are hunters by nature and they tend to start everything first. He seems to keep you as a reserve in case he needs you. Don't waste your time thinking about him. When he's ready he will look for you. You're wondering if you should do something about it...No, you shouldn't. Sit and wait! It's not like he's thinking about you and waiting for your reaction. He is not ready to do anything further and what he does at the moment is not enough. Is he so great that you posted this as a problem here? I mean, it seems like something you shouldn't think of for longer than half an hour.. Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 But she wants him to do something. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Exactly, Sami, she wants HIM to do something. But she shouldn't do anything, because it won't help. Rushing and forcing things usually doesn't help when you don't know the person and his situation very well. This guy is obviously not shy cuz he's sending her poems and seems like someone who controls the situation and knows what he's doing. And he intentionally doesn't do something. Even if he simply minds the distance, it tells enough. She met him and liked him. He's on a dating site. Many women meet him and like him. He will choose one or more than one. Personally, I think a woman can show interest in a guy if he doesn't know her at all. For example, she can email a guy from a dating site. But in this case, he knows her, likes her, emails her, but doesn't make any further step...There is not much she can do except fasten the process of having sex with him. Link to post Share on other sites
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