Need on a break with woman I love

[BC1980]

No. Here's the problem with your line of thinking.

 

You said you have only been divorced for six months. The affair was 4 1/2 years and that refers back to Affair Fog.

 

Feelings and sentiments and desires are entirely different with someone when they are in the affair versus that time when they have reality.

 

You have not lasted five years with her. You've only been with her for six months. That is why I'm saying she may have asked for the break. She now has a reality that is different than what she fantasized it would be. It happens and is to be expected.

 

The difference is when she comes back, can you talk more openly with her about her expectations and hopes and - perhaps - try to help fulfill them? We don't know that yet.

 

This same thing happened to my uncle. He had a 30 year, on and off affair with his "soulmate," and, after his wife finally divorced him, he and his supposed "soulmate" lasted about a year. You're not living in reality with an affair because there really isn't that sense of commitment with an actual marriage or relationship. For your girlfriend, everything changed after the divorce, and she is probably questioning if this is the reality she wants.

 

That being said, I wouldn't contact her at all right now.

[BC1980]

Ok guys thanks . So continue no contact. ? Even for her birthday which is Monday .

 

I wouldn't contact her on her birthday. Let her feel what it's like with you not in the picture. I don't think you owe her a happy birthday message at this point.

[tiarakitty]

Hi Bigmiked.

 

I'm happy that you're finally 'happy' right now with the woman of your dreams. Maybe my response to you isn't really what you're asking for, but I'm going to share with you anyway.

 

The following links below are pictures I found on twitter. I think you should read them based on your situation. I think the person in this picture broke down clearly what affairs are actually like. It's really an eye opener so you might want to give a read.

 

Link 1 - Click here

Link 2 - Click here

Link 3 - Click here

 

Before you're divorced - Sure things might be exciting for both you and the woman of your dreams and she seems VERY, VERY ideal to you than your own wife because both of you are not committed to each other by 'law'. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is a 'Daycare teacher' who is supposed to teach KIDS what's wrong and right and she's…….. having sex with someone's dad and breaking up the kid's family?

 

IF you're okay with that idea then are you prepared to be married with someone knowing the fact that she… has these characteristics? Without being worried the whole time? It's easy for you to say that ''I love her, I'll overlook this'' but….. 10/20 years down the road.. I assure you that you'll be having a hard time with trust. Someone who have sex with her student's dad without feeling guilt trip? Judging on your wife's decision and how you both are still in amicable terms… you literally let go of someone far more special. A great mother and a great independent woman. 10/20 years down the road, you will compare this lady of your dreams and your ex wife and you can't help thinking 'why did i give her up?' You stated that even though your ex wife found out about your affair.. she still wanted to work things out and went therapy with you… Do you think she does that for herself..? NO. She did it out of her LOVE FOR HER FAMILY, OUT OF HER LOVE for daughter so even though how hard it was.. she chose to stay. But you made her gave up in the end. You did the right thing.

 

I have to say you're experiencing ''Grass is greener on the other side' for 4 YEARS and now.. after you're on the other side on the fence.. its not really greener after all. Things are not looking great for you now.

 

I want you think carefully and deeply before marrying this woman. I sincerely wish you all the very best. You're a forty year old man.. you know what you should do.

 

My dad was in your shoes.. exactly in the same situation. His marriage with the lady of dreams didn't work out after 12 years. Please note that both me and my step mom are in great terms (we do get along like your daughter). My dad wanted my mom back but it was too late, my mom remarried a seriously far better' by then.

 

You don't know what you have until its gone

 

Good luck :-)

Edited September 28, 2014 by tiarakitty

[Bigmiked]

Well looks like I have a lot of thinking to do. Also doesn't change the fact that this feeling sucks. We shall see what happens.

 

A few days ago I was actually thinking of sending flowers for her bday.i have since talked myself out of doing that haha

 

Jeez life is too short for this BS.

Edited September 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[ComingInHot]

Jeez life is too short for this BS.

 

Now that should be your mantra for a while!

[oldshirt]

A few days ago I was actually thinking of sending flowers for her bday.i have since talked myself out of doing that haha

 

Reread this statement above.

 

 

Now go back through all your posts and count up the number of times you have said, "I'm thinking about...." "I was going to.....".....but I haven't told her..." "I thought about..."

 

 

My point is that you are so much in your head with thoughts and feelings etc but you aren't DOING anything in real life.

 

 

 

 

You were having a 41/2 year footsie-under-the-table affair with some gal and you didn't even divorce your wife, you waited around and played texting games with this OW and pretended to go with the flow in marital counseling etc and until your wife was finally the one that grew some balls and took a stand.

 

 

You've just be a ride-along in this whole thing. you've just been along for the ride seeing what these other chicks are going to do with you. You haven't made a stand. From what I've read in your posts, you haven't made a single decision nor taken a single definitive action. You've just been along for the ride and doing what these other chicks tell you.

 

 

In a woman's subconscious a man that doesn't make decisions, doesn't make future plans and then take actions to accomplish those future plans is a pussy. It's a sign of weakness. In her subconscious you are weak and women can't desire those they see as weak.

[oldshirt]

Here is a little analogy that Dr Laura Schlesinger used to use all the time on her syndicated radio show.

 

 

Compare and contrast a motor boat and a cork.

 

 

They both float on the water and they both go places.

 

 

The difference between the two is the cork just floats and bobs along on the water and goes wherever the currents and winds happen to take it.

 

 

The motor boat sets a course and then travels under it's own power to get there.

 

 

You have been a cork bobbing and floating along to wherever these women have taken you this whole time.

 

 

She (rightfully in my opinion) sees you as a cork.

[oldshirt]

Read what I said in my first two posts and apply that to the following statements you have made below

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am currently dating the woman that basically was the cause of my divorce.

 

 

The OW 'caused' your divorce. in other words you weren't unhappy and left your wife. nor did you leave your wife for her.

in her mind the only reason you are divorced is because your wife eventually got fed up with the situation and dumped your ass and she ended up with you by default - not that you actually chose to be with her. She feels like the fall-back person and back up plan.

 

 

. I love this woman and want to eventually make her my wife .

 

 

there's your first wishy-washy "I'm thinking about..." statement.

 

 

For the next 4 years we were on and off.

 

 

Would you advise ANY woman to see a guy for 4 years with no commitment, let alone some guy married to someone else who is just banging her on lunch breaks?

 

 

We would also get into arguments about me still being married and than not talk for weeks at a time until one of us usually texted.

 

 

translation = she was frustrated and exasperated you were just stringing her along as a sperm receptacle and not making a stand to either break up with your wife and go with her properly or let her go and make a clean break.

 

 

My ex wife eventually found out about us and it was bad.

 

 

 

 

your ex wife is the only here with some balls that can make a decision and take some definitive action here.

 

 

 

 

But we stayed together and tried to make it work.

 

 

 

 

correction - your wife come up with a plan to try to work things out and you went through the motions to pretend you were trying.

 

 

 

 

I even went to therapy. The other woman stayed in the picture and we continued to do our thing.

 

 

 

 

(THIS IS MORE OF A SIDE-BAR NOTE FOR EVERYONE ELSE. THERAPY/COUNSELING CAN'T WORK IF THE AFFAIR PARTNER IS STILL IN THE PICTURE. AS LONG AS THE AP IS STILL RUBBING UP AGAINST THE WS, COUNSELING/THERAPY/RECONCILIATION IS ALL JUST SPITTING IN THE WIND)

 

 

 

 

After an argument earlier that summer my girlfriend cut things off ....again.

 

 

ANOTHER ACTION BY HER WHERE YOU WERE SIMPLY THE RESPONDENT (THINK OF THE 'CORK' ANALOGY)

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was miserable and eventually made the decision something had to give. I went to Disney with my ex and daughter and then to her parents house in FL. After a few months of no contact with the other woman I texted her from Disney.

 

 

Interesting. You tried to Velcro on some balls and take a stand, but you just had to peel the off and backslide didn't you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To my surprise she responded.

 

 

This may be one of the biggest pieces of the puzzle that you don't seem to be getting. As a general rule, in relationships men are often thought of as the leader and as the one that sets the course and makes things happen. While not spoken directly it is used in euphamisms like "head of the household" and "head of the family" etc etc. You seem to think that you are powerless and should just go along with whatever these chicks come up with.

 

 

. After a near breakdown at my in laws house I told her I had to leave and go home.

 

 

 

 

Is that how chicks carry on?

 

 

 

 

I didn't want to be married anymore. She cried , but I got a tix to go home. I soon rethought my decision after my girlfriend said she wanted nothing to do with me.

 

 

Wishy-Washy again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was crushed but stayed in FL and tried to forget her. But after a couple days she texted and said she wantted to see me when I got back.

 

 

isn't it 16 year old girls that are notorious for sitting by the phone waiting for their heartthrob to call?

 

 

 

 

 

 

We eventually talked and I promised her we would be together. That October my ex asked for a divorce and a weight was lifted off me.

 

 

 

 

I'm going to repost this and address it in another post by itself because this right here is the crux of your whole situation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Me and the girlfriend argue from time to time. She is very stubborn and takes pride in voicing her opinion. I'm the opposite,I hate arguing and am very relaxed. Just happy to be in the moment.

 

 

you see you as relaxed and happy to be in the moment.

She sees you as lazy, weak, shiftless and a pussy.

she sees you as having no direction, no initiative and ineffective at making decisions or of making anything happen.

Women find this extremely unattractive in men. They can't respect men that don't take a stand for something. and they can't desire that which they do not respect.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She always tells me we need to communicate better.

 

 

Translation = you need to be more proactive and tell me what your plan is and how we are going to accomplish it as a team.

 

 

 

 

Anyway sometimes are fights last for days and we don't talk.

 

 

that is her trying to get you to step up to the plate.

 

 

 

 

The last argument we had was over something dumb but eventually led to her being unhappy about a car I bought and her not being included in the purchase.

 

 

 

 

DING DING DING DING DING, We have a major bright shining sign here!!!!!

This was a major purchase and major investment. By doing it all on your own without any discussion with her, you are holding up a great big neon flashing sign that says you are not invested in the relationship with her and you are basically carrying on like a single dude picking out some wheels to go along with his bachelor pad.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Also me not realizing what kind of stress she's under.(daughter driving soon ) .

 

 

you are not in-tune with her.

 

 

 

 

We talked I tried to apologize but she wasn't having it.

 

 

 

 

apologies only count when you 'get it'. you aren't getting it so you saying the words, "I'm sorry," have no meaning.

 

 

 

 

I talked to her best friend and found out she's worried I'm not fully committed and have never talked about our future together.

 

 

 

 

Yes. This.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Again I tried to talk to her and tell her my intentions but she's still pissed.

 

 

 

 

that's because you are a talking head. words come out of your mouth but they don't mean anything. you make no decisions. you take no actions. and you don't take a stand on anything.

you are just a parrot that says words but the words carrying no meaning or context.

 

 

I even wrote a 2 page letter laying it all out there.

 

 

you've watched too many chick-flicks and think that a romantic letter (with more words) fixes things. It doesn't work in real life because in real life you have to make decisions and actually do things.

This is a perfect example of what I was talking about in my first post when I said you are in your head too much. In your head, you are in a chick-flick and the heroine is going to break down and come running down the beach to you in slow motion after reading your flowing words. In real life, real women need you to get off your ass and do something.

 

 

But she texted me and said we needed time apart.

 

 

"Break' is always a euphemism for - " I am looking for someone else who is a better match but I still want you as a safety net and back up in case I need something before I find him."

 

 

She is definitely the woman I love and want to marry.

 

 

Really????? This is not how guys typically act when they have found 'the one.'

 

 

 

 

I just hope it's not too late.

 

 

Cork

 

 

 

 

I didn't respond to her text and she texted me the next morning saying she read the letter over and over. I still haven't responded and don't plan to.

 

 

I rest my case.

 

 

 

 

 

 

But her birthday is Monday and I may wish her a Happy Bday.

 

 

 

 

Count that as another, "I was thinking about....."

 

 

 

 

.need some insight.

 

 

No, you don't need insight. You just need to get out of your head, off your ass and do something.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Response in bold above.

 

 

Stay tuned for the bottom line to your issue here.

[oldshirt]

We eventually talked and I promised her we would be together. That October my ex asked for a divorce and a weight was lifted off me.

 

 

 

 

.

 

 

 

OK here is the root of all your issues.

 

 

You have spent the last 5 years telling her things, promising her things, texting her things, writing romantic poems and love letters but you have been passive and only going along with what these women are doing.

 

 

From her perspective, you were playing footsie with her under the table and telling her all these things in bed after you came but you weren't taking any action to be with her or to bring any of these promises and fantasies to fruition.

 

 

You banged her on the side for 4 years but basically sat in the corner sucking your thumb waiting for her to text and waiting for your wife to make decisions and take definitive actions and tell when it was time to go out and play with your little girl toy on the side.

 

 

from her perspective she is booby prize of your wife kicking you out. She is back up plan. she is fall-guy.

 

 

By your own account she is the reason your marriage failed. you have put her in the position of and bestowed the glamorous title of "Homewrecker" on her. That is a crown she'll wear for life whenever she sees you.

 

 

In her eyes and in her heart and in her brain, you did not fall in love with her and leave your marriage to be with her. You played footsie with her under the table and sat on your hands not making any decisions or lifting a single finger to be with her for 4 years until your wife finally got fed up and moved on with her own life.

 

 

Then once your wife was gone, then you showed up on her doorstep with a bag full of dirty laundry and said, "Hi, I'm free! Let's Fck!!"

 

 

Like the other posters have said, The affair fog obscured the realities of life and all you had was some fun motel meetings with no dirty laundry.

 

 

But now your wife has left you and so now when you show up on her doorstep she feels like the homewrecking booby prize and the fall-back guy.

 

 

but more importantly, she is now seeing you as weak, ineffective and unable to take a stand or make a decision in regards to the relationship or towards your future together as a couple.

 

 

She sees no form of commitment from you and doesn't see that there is any future here.

 

 

all she gets out of you are words, empty promises and apologies while you sit in the corner waiting for her to make decisions and determine where your relationship is going to go.

 

 

This is going to sound sexist, but women just don't want that role and are not comfortable in that role. That is what they look to men to do and guys that don't do that, they don't see as real men. They see a guy that sits waiting for Mamma to make the decisions and say how it is going to be as little boys and women do not desire little boys.

[CarrieT]

Wow, BigMike, I think there has been some amazing insight into your situation and the motor boat/cork analogy is spot-on.

 

You have not been taking responsibility for your actions but have merely been reflecting upon and reacting to the actions of your ExWife and your AffairPartner.

 

I'm not sure if you are currently in therapy, but I would heartily recommend you consider it for your own, long-term well-being. Print out this thread as a great starting point.

 

It is not to late to have a full and fulfilling life, although it may not be with your affair partner.

 

Best of luck...

[Bigmiked]

Old shirt you are so very right. I did have a hard time making decisions. I totally understand what your saying. I have reread your posts and realize how bad I messed up. While my intentions were there I've never takin control. Do you think there is still hope for us?

Edited September 28, 2014 by Bigmiked

[Bigmiked]

Old shirt you have a lot of knowledge. What should I do now since she is not speaking with me , I do want to reach out to her

[ThorntonMelon]

You're not wired to handle the situation.

 

The only thing you could possibly do is to sit down with her face to face and tell her how sorry you are for everything you've put her through, and that you are so grateful for her being in your life.

 

But she'll smell the desperation on you. You're not a do-er, and if you tell her you'd do anything for her, she'll laugh inside.

 

As for whether there's hope for you...only if she ignores your history.

[Bigmiked]

Thornton melon thanks , I really want to take her to dinner and talk. But since we are not talking I'm not sure how to go about it. Even though I've handled this whole situation badly I do love her and want to fix all this .

[ThorntonMelon]

You're missing all of our points because you're in grief.

 

You have no credibility to "fix" anything.

 

You haven't "handled this whole situation badly"....you've mentally tortured this woman for years.

 

If she was posting on LS we would tell her to forget you ever existed.

 

I am not saying this to attack you, I am saying it to try and give you some context about your situation. You're a poison in her life. Seriously.

 

In all seriousness, besides your "love", which hasn't particularly been backed up by anything, what do you have to offer her right now?

[ComingInHot]

Thornton melon thanks , I really want to take her to dinner and talk. But since we are not talking I'm not sure how to go about it. Even though I've handled this whole situation badly I do love her and want to fix all this .

 

God Man, what do you WANT already! ! If you want this woman take command and go get her! Man up already! ! I tried to be nice and subtle thinking you'd 'get that' but clearly you need a slap in the face "Old Shirt style", which is awesome by the way.

But really, put your Man pants on and start acting like one.

 

Come back and tell us what happens from YOUR ACTIONS and don't disappoint!

 

...Old Shirt, you rock!

[Bigmiked]

Thanks everyone ,you have really opened my eyes. I know what I have to do.

[oldshirt]

 

If she was posting on LS we would tell her to forget you ever existed.

 

 

 

This is correct. If she were to write in here asking for advice, all of us would advise her to delete and block you from all of her phones, emails etc and to move on with her life and have no further contact with you.

 

 

As such, I can not in good faith encourage you to pursue this until you have gotten your own life squared away, know what you want and have the giblets to move forward in an effective manner.

 

 

My recommendation is to allow her the peace and respect of no contact and staying out of her air space until you have gotten your own self squared away and are capable of having a meaningful adult relationship as a mature, self-actualized man.

 

 

Get into therapy and deal with your issues in a positive manner and if you are squared away and firing on all cylinders in a couple years, if she is single and will give you the time of day, you can try then.

 

 

Otherwise many times it's much easier and more efficient to start a new relationship with a clean slate rather than trying to resurrect a damaged and dysfunctional one from the ashes of it's previous destruction.

 

 

I think the bottom line here is you can have a stable relationship until you are stable as an individual and right now you aren't stable. You wouldn't do anyone or yourself any justice by trying to be in a relationship with anyone right now until you fix yourself.

[CarrieT]

I think the bottom line here is you can have a stable relationship until you are stable as an individual and right now you aren't stable.

I'm pretty sure he meant to say, "you can't have a stable relationship until you are stable as an individual..."

 

 

The rest of OldShirt's commentary is spot-on.

[Bigmiked]

Old shirt I appreciate the advice ,but I'm going to get her back. I have been doing therapy . While I have some issues I am pretty squared away so I'm going to do what I need to do. I will continue with therapy to make myself a better person. In the meantime my girlfriend makes me happy and there is no one I'd rather be with.

[ThorntonMelon]

I'm going to get her back.

 

Not "I'm going to try and find out what she needs to be happy."

 

I'm going to do what I need

 

Not "I'm going to find out what she needs."

 

my girlfriend makes me happy

 

Again, not "I want the chance to make her happy".

 

no one I'd rather be with.

 

Not "try and show her that I can be the man she deserves".

 

I feel bad posting this because you are sincere and I'm just piling on to crap on you, but you are so out of touch with reality, it's frightening. If you don't believe me, listen to oldshirt. You are completely unstable.

[travelbug1996]

my ex was passive and didn't know how to have an effective conversation. i dumped him. passive people are the worst. and they're usually passive aggressive when angry since they have poor communication skills. you were like this in your marriage? please dont marry this woman. she's the opposite of you. she likes tp put it in the table you like to sweep things under the rug.

 

it won't wirk

[Natsu21]

my ex was passive and didn't know how to have an effective conversation. i dumped him. passive people are the worst. and they're usually passive aggressive when angry since they have poor communication skills. you were like this in your marriage? please dont marry this woman. she's the opposite of you. she likes tp put it in the table you like to sweep things under the rug.

 

it won't wirk

 

I had an ex like you. She hated confrontation, but I thrived in it.

[oldshirt]

I'm pretty sure he meant to say, "you can't tave a stable relationship until you are stable as an individual..."

 

 

The rest of OldShirt's commentary is spot-on.

 

Ooops, yes that was a real bad typo that changed the whole meaning. Thanks for the correction.

Edited September 29, 2014 by oldshirt

[oldshirt]

Old shirt I appreciate the advice ,but I'm going to get her back. I have been doing therapy . While I have some issues I am pretty squared away so I'm going to do what I need to do. I will continue with therapy to make myself a better person. In the meantime my girlfriend makes me happy and there is no one I'd rather be with.

 

I think somewhere in this thread you mentioned you were a police officer. You do realize this is the mentality and attitude that stalkers and harassers have right?

 

If she files a harassment charge on you, it will be a very bad career move.

 

If she gets a stalking conviction and restraining order on you, you may not be able to have access to firearms.

 

This is serious stuff.