Danger?

[KissMyTiara]

Has anyone ever feared for their safety as a result of being the OW? As in, threats from W, threats from MM, etc.?

[izzybelle]

yup! and except for the fact that they live several hundred miles away.... i think i would have been more afraid if they'd been local.

 

i don't think he'll ever want to believe that the nasty threatening phone call i got was from her. but it either was her or a very, very bizarre coincidence. but she was pretty threatening in some ways, and mostly just verbally abusive. but hey, it just confirmed for me some of the things he'd said about her!

 

there was just that one call and a few emails... one said f'you and the other wasn't threatening, just rather obnoxious. sad thing was, she sent them from his account so i couldn't respond and with the phone call, i was half asleep and she didn't give me much of an opportunity to say anything! oddly almost none of her attack on me had anything to do with trying to steal her husband.... it was just full of verbal attacks on me! hey but i had a chance to increase my vocab!

[KissMyTiara]

I ask only because...do you remember how my roommate moved out on me, saying all these mean things to me about my relationship with MM as her justification for moving out? Well, she has "clarified" her position by saying that she was fearful for her life in living with someone who was involved in such a relationship because we look alike and drive the same size/color car. Now, if there had ever been any reason for me to even be cautious, let alone fearful, then I would understand her stress. However, MM has never, ever even hinted or even spoken about what W would do if she found out, or what he would do if she found out, etc. But another friend of mine, when he heard what I was involved in, told me to RUN RUN RUN, not because of any emotional damage that could be done, but because the W's so often physically attack the OW when they find out. This made me worry. So I'm just curious what your experience is... (WOW, long random thought)

[izzybelle]

i think too much of all of it gets a little overplayed because of the things that make the 6:00 news! sure it happens, and i was nervous but i do think it was just all talk.... but i think statistically MM are more likely to leave their W for an OW than the chances of having an MM or W go mental!

 

and i think your ex roomie was just being a little out there. the thought of safety never crossed my mind until she called.

[Owl]

KMT-

 

From the BS's side...

 

When the BS finds out, there is that first thought about "doing something". I don't know anyone who hasn't had that. I was no different...and will admit that I warned the OM in my wife's case that "if you ever hurt her...". And I meant it. I'll also admit that I gathered all the intel I needed to actually do whatever I wanted to him. I still have all that info.

 

But...I also have to say that I have not met ONE BS who has actually done something about it. It's kind of a fantasy thing for most of us. Yeah, you hear about things on the news, but those are probably the one chance in one hundred kind of things.

 

I can't say that I blame your roomate for bailing on you tho. In the same boat, I'd probably have done the same thing. I don't know if you've considered asking your MM how he thinks his wife might react? My next thought is that he'll have no real idea on what she'll do. My wife didn't.

 

Bottom line is that I don't think I'd be too worried if I were you, but I'd start planning on what you're going to do when she finds out. He can't possibly hide this from her forever, and you're going to have to deal with it then. Better to be prepared than caught without a plan.

[StillHurtin]

I never thought about physically attacking the OW. At first I was pretty calm and we talked for about an hour, both calmly. Of course all the time she was denying everything but telling me how she has slept w/ another MM while he is separated. About the third time I talked to hear (more rumors) I told her to F'in stay away from H until the D was final. She hung up on me. She called H about a month after they broke up and I told her if she didn't stay away from him and to stop calling there was going to be he!! to pay. She told me she wasn't scared of me, and I told her I wasn't scared of her. I didn't mean I was going to beat the crap out of her, I just meant if she didn't leave him alone and stop calling H was going to have a restrainer order put on her. She never bothered him again.

 

If anyone was feeling a little worried about any physical attacks it was her against me. She was just the type of person to try.

[whichwayisup]

She may not attack you physically, but she may verbally attack you...BIG TIME.

[joodee]

I know one friend of mine who called the OW when she found out about her husband's affair and verbally called her everything in the book after the OW had an "I don't care" attitude with the W. Then she saw the OW at a party and went up to her and told her to stay away from her husband, etc., then took a swing at her when the OW again acted like she was all smart and was saying stuff like she didn't care, she was having fun and didn't intend on stopping, etc. Made for a real interesting party. No one got hurt. Funny thing, the MM didn't stick up for either woman. Didn't show favor to his W or the OW, just stood there, thinking "this isn't the time or place to do this."

 

I do know after that the affair quickly ended and the OW changed her phone number. The MM and his wife soon went to counseling after she threatened to throw him out and change the locks to the house.

 

So I guess if the W ever contacts you, depending on what she says I'd say be sympathetic and apologize and get out of the relationship, my take on it is that you don't know how she'll react or if she'll take it out on you, when she should take it out on her husband, know what I mean?

[izzybelle]

it is best not to get into a shouting match with them. i didn't even much have the opportunity to say anything. she ranted and screamed at me and called me just about every name imaginable, and i just let her go. i knew from what MM had said, that that was what she did, so i just let her go. it left me shaking, but, there wasn't a whole lot i could do. i would have loved to have told her that if she really loved her husband that they should do what they could to fix their marriage but decided that any "advice" i might try to give was going to be thrown back in my face, she'd already made that clear.

 

after she found about about me she responded to an email i had sent him telling him to expect her to be angry and lash out at anything and everything he did. well she reemed me for that... how dare i try to give advice about a relationship i knew nothing about. and yes, she was right, but i also wasn't trying to give him advice, just warning him what to expect.

[GirlDown]

i'm not defending Other Women by any means, but i find it interesting that wives expend so much energy on screaming at the OW's and trying to make their points to them...

 

i mean, sure, the OW's that know their men are married should know better, but the loyalty lies a heck of a lot more with the husband...not the woman that the betraying husband is screwing.

 

i'm not an OW, but i've often thought this way before. if my husband was cheating on me, i would let him have it! and then i would act like i didn't care in front of the OW if ever put in the the position--acting immature just lets other people get the better of you. telling an OW "he loves me and not you, you're just some slut" doesn't exactly make sense when the OW knows what the husband is doing behind the wives' backs...make any sense?

 

why bother?

[joodee]

I agree with GirlDown, the anger should be directed at the husband, for lying and not being honest. I directed all my anger at my MM when one of his other girlfriends (or I should now say "friend with benefits) e-mailed me and "spilled the beans" about those two.

 

She did say, don't blame me, I didn't force him to do anything he didn't want to do. I told her I ain't blaming you, I blame him, he had choices to make. I did tell her that she was in no position to give any relationship advice to me, cause our relationship was between me and him, no matter what he told her. And besides, she was in no position to give relationship advice since she was part of the deception and if she felt bad about sleeping with someone else's boyfriend/husband why continue, just be a bigger person and get out of the mess.

Which by the way is what I am going to do tonight, get out of my own mess.

[StillHurtin]

I did a lot of yelling, and cursing at H when I heard he was having an A w/ the OW. I treated the OW like an angel compared to what I did to H. I agree that most of the blame needs to be on the WS, not the OP. When you still love your spouse, share many years 2gether, and have children 2gether you seem to want to blame the OP for taking them away, if that is the way you want to put it. It was easy for me to rip into H for what he had done to me and our children. For the OW, she had a way of making me believe her, and maybe partly b/c I was in denial. She wasn't the one who made vows to me, he did. But then she stabbed me in the back by wanting and trying to be my friend and all along she was just after my H. Her being my friend would of gotten her closer to H.

 

I felt I was pretty calm to her and never really threatened her. Funny thing was, the day I told her to stay away from H until the D was final was when I got a letter from my lawyer stating that if I had any contact w/ the OW she would take legal action and my lawyer advised me to leave her alone. She wasn't the one who had this letter written up, it was H! I let him have it when I seen him. He told me he wanted me to stop calling her b/c every time I did she would run to his office and b!tch to him about me calling.

[Mr Spock]

Regardless of the anger or rage someone may feel, you do NOT have to take their bull**** just because you're on the other side of things.

 

 

If someone threatens you with harm, report it to the police. Doesn't matter what situation you're in.

 

There is NO reason for you to sit there and let someone's W cuss you out because she can't maintain a happy healthy relationship with the loser she (and you) picked out for herself.

 

 

Only your own sense of guilt would allow you to tolerate sh*tty behaviour. I would hang up on someone who screamed at me. "Call me back when you can handle adult conversation"

[ww]

I got a bit paranoid from time to time bc of whole hiding and lies.

[Ladyjane14]

I dunno, KMT.

 

Personally, I think if an OW butted her nose into my business, I'd probably bust it off for her.

 

I'd like to think that I'm a more reasonable person than that....but I'm not as much of a lady as my moniker would imply.

 

I'm afraid my response would border on the Redneck.

[Debster]

If I ever found out that my husband was having an affair - BOTH of them would be in for a ton of wrath! My husband for breaking the vows and betrayal. The OW for ignoring the wedding ring on his finger and being selfish. Yes, my husband would be the bigger evil. However, someone who deliberately goes and does something that can hurt someone else also deserves to get what's coming to them. If someone destroys my life, yes, I'm probably going to do whatever I can to make their life miserable.

 

I'm not saying this to be anti-OW, more to answer KMT's question. Yes, sometimes the wife will do things to get back at you. I've never been in the situation, but I'm probably one of them that would. So you do need to be careful and yes, I can understand why your roomate would want to remove herself from potential danger. Remember you only THINK you know the wife based on what the OM says. And believe me, sometimes a woman scorned can truly be a scary thing.

 

Awful, I know, but what can I say. I love my husband and my life. If someone tries to take that away from me they better watch out!

[GirlDown]

yeah i agree with this too...although i do still think the brunt of it lies with the husband, as in my original reply to this post.

 

if the OW had no idea he was married, that might be one thing. i would still be pretty angry, but it would be different if i found out she knew, ignored it, and then tried to counsel me on my relationship.

 

uh-uh.

 

i mean, it's like walking into a bad neighbourhood by yourself at night...sure, nothing might happen, but it just as easily might happen also.

 

i am guessing more people will have understanding for the person who accidentally made a wrong turn...and a lot less for the person who knowingly goes that way regrdless of the consequences.

 

sometimes, you just make your bed.

[newby]

yes kmt, this one has worried me abit, still does even tho its over.

a couple of times in the past he was really stupid about covering his tracks and i'd ask him well isnt she suspicious and he would say no, but of course to get me to continue he would say anything!!

its just ANOTHER reason to get out of the relationship

[StillHurtin]

.....but it would be different if i found out she knew, ignored it, and then tried to counsel me on my relationship.

 

Exactly how the OW was in my situation. I probably told the OW too much info, but I was in denial that she was actually screwing him. She did try to "counsel" me on my relationship. Guess since she thought she had been married three times made her the perfect marriage counselor, HA!

[izzybelle]

i can see why an OW trying to offer advice might be yet another slap in the face to a BS. i have no doubt that my exMMs W has said similar things about me, since she did chastise me for "offering advice" when that really wasn't what i was doing. the only "counsel" i ever really gave from my perspective was asking him if they were going to counseling to try to help them get through this and i gave him the link to the marriage builders website. but that "advice" was offered months later and i don't know that she even knows about that.

[mourningMM]

I wonder how many women in prison are there because they acted out when they found out their husband was cheating?

 

I know that the only thing that stopped me from driving my car through his house at full speed, hoping to pin him and her under the wheels wat the thought of having to explain the broken body of their father to my children.

 

Believe me, if your MM's wife doesn't have self-control, avoid alcohol or drugs that lower self-control, or have something important that she could lose (like her children's respect)...there is danger of violence.

 

As a BS, I can say that I don't respect his girlfriend...I don't respect him, and on those moments when my panic and anxiety were at their worst, and I didn't feel like I had a reason to live...the thought of watching them die before I killed myself were very vivid and real thoughts.

 

Then I thought of the children, my love for the children.

And I took deep breaths...

 

And I called a panic hotline...and committed myself to a mental hospital...not to save myself from suicide, but to be sure that it wasn't a double homicide before the suicide...

 

I love my kids too much for that.

 

I'm better now, most of the time. When I found out about the engagement I slipped a bit, and it still hurts, but I have two choices.

 

I can live my life or I can die.

 

I'm not ready to give him that satisfaction.

 

But I swear, if it weren't for my children, that man and that woman would be stone cold dead.

[StillHurtin]

I too thought about hurting the OW physically. I thought about slashing her tires, anything to get back at her. But I thought about my children, they needed me more than ever and I couldn't risk being put in jail for anything that I did. My kids are too important to me.

 

I was very good friends w/ a girl when we were growing up. Her sister was killed by the OW, now the OW is in prison. She shot her while she was in her car and started the car on fire. A farmer found the car and came to the rescue, and the OW also killed him.

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

I dunno, KMT.

 

Personally, I think if an OW butted her nose into my business, I'd probably bust it off for her.

 

I'd like to think that I'm a more reasonable person than that....but I'm not as much of a lady as my moniker would imply.

 

I'm afraid my response would border on the Redneck.

 

You are assuming that you would be capable of doing so-you are also assuming that your wrath would give you more physical prowress and strength?

 

That's what I always find funny about people, they always assume they are capable of kicking the ass of the person who's pissed them off. That in this case, the OW won't defend herself to the best of her ability simply because she isn't protected by the "legitimacy" of marriage?

 

I'm sure it's a fantasy many betrayed women keep in their mind, the satisfaction of kicking ass. But that's all it should be, is fantasy. Think about it. All it would take is one blow landing wrong, or someone hitting their head on the ground and it would be GAME OVER. Wonder if your husband sticking his dick in other people is worth losing your kids and spending time in jail for. Don't think so.

 

Of course, there's always the option that YOU will get your ass kicked. It's foolishness to speak tough-there is always someone out there who's tougher.

[mourningMM]

There is always the possibility of a fight going in the wrong direction, and result ending badly. Just like there is always the possiblity of a husband leaving his wife for the other woman.

 

There is always the difference between the reality of a marriage and the fantasy of a marriage, and that is why this website exists.

 

But the danger exists in that place where one person's fantasy is another's nightmare. And it is even more present when that nightmare pushes a man or a woman beyond the edge of reason. There is a place of beserker rage, where there is no reason, only emotion...and that place exists and is real. It is only the grace of God that allows people to control themselves in the face of that kind of evil emotion.

 

The questions was is there a real possibilty of danger. For many OW/OM, they are no more than the object of homicidal fantasies for a betrayed spouse.

 

But there is real danger if

 

lacks self control.

is completely desperate

and has no reason to hold back.

 

That is why I don't drink any more, make sure I eat right, get enough sleep, exercise, and try to find things in life to enjoy. Doing those things makes me strong enough to control and direct my anger into more positive places. But this takes a huge effort and a great deal of energy...it is like moving a train from one track to another. I think that if I didn't have my children, I would not have been able to sustain that effort through the worst part of the divorce.

 

You are right had my MMs wife found out and attacked me verbally or physically, I would have protected myself. But deep down, I would have known that she had every right to her feelings of anger and rage and hurt. Had we fought, maybe I would have been able to protect myself. But there's the difference, I would have been protecting myself against a woman who had no care for herself or anyone else...someone in the throws of violent rage. If that rage was combined with alcohol, or drugs it could be very damaging. A sane, reasonable person defending herself matched against berserker rage? My bet would be on the person willing to give up her life for satisfaction every time.

 

Luckily, my MM and I ended in a way that returned him to her without her ever knowing. I'll freely admit that I miss him, and think about him a few times a week. But here's the kicker, I'm sure that now, 6 months after his death, she thinks about him many times in an hour.

 

When a BS loses their spouse, it is losing half of themself (if it is a true marriage on their side), and a broken heart and soul can cause even the most sane and god-fearing person to lose their reason. Sure, then the person who left can point a finger and say "See, that is why I left...they are unstable"; regardless of the fact that they are the reason and cause of the instability...it is hard to learn to stand on only one leg. And while the BS is learning, they may fail many times. During those times of failure...there is definitely danger.

[Mr Spock]

You are right had my MMs wife found out and attacked me verbally or physically, I would have protected myself. But deep down, I would have known that she had every right to her feelings of anger and rage and hurt.

 

That sucks to be you-I'd be too pissed off that someone decided to get physical to worry about hurt feelings and wether or not they had a "right" to feel that way.

 

 

Perhaps if your MM had left her for you I could see this

 

I would have been protecting myself against a woman who had no care for herself or anyone else...

 

 

but if it's soley for retribution that doesn't fit the scenario. I think it's only scociopaths and suicides that lose sense of self preservation.

 

Ladies, don't take sh*t. From ANYONE. Yes, her world is rocked off it's foundation. But that doesn't give her the right to do ANYTHING other than divorce her husband. Otherwise, we'd all be shooting the neighbours for letting their dog sh*t on our lawn.

 

 

It's a dangerous mindset to think someone has the right to heap physical or verbal abuse on you.