Cheated in LTR

[MyMuse]

Hi, first time posting on here. I am hoping to get some advice - i have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 6 years. We met when i was 25. Its been completely committed, and we have withstood some hard times. We recently lived overseas together for a year, and i decided to return home a few months before him for work. Anyway, i had been living by myself since this time, in regular contact with my boyfriend, and was missing him and couldn't wait for him to come home. I went away last weekend, and got really drunk (really drunk!).

 

At the end of the night, it was just me and one of his friends up, continuing to drink. He started to hug me, and i sort of just let him i guess. We ended up in bed together - i stopped things before it turned into sex, but there was a lot of touching etc. So obviously to me this is cheating still... which i never thought i would do. I always had such high standards around this, and i am completely so upset with myself about what i allowed to happen. Now, this has just served to confuse the hell out of me. I felt such strong desire for this guy, so much stronger than i have had for my boyfriend in a long time (we've been together 6 years - that has faded!).

 

Also, it is worth noting, i have never been with anyone else - my boyfriend of 6 years was the first person i ever slept with, and he was my first serious relationship. What happened last weekend is just making me reconsider everything! At times i used to think i would need to "live a little" before settling down with my boyfriend, but 6 years have gone past and that thought never really came back into my head... until now. Thing is, i would hate to lose my boyfriend just because i need to experience what it is like to be with someone else... he is so good in every way, but there is just this question mark in my mind, as i really have nothing to compare him/our relationship to.

 

Anyway, during the week i spoke with my boyfriend and suggested that when he comes back we need to talk about us and the possibility of taking a break - i told him the reasons or it, that i had never been with anyone else etc (which he obviously knows!) but he was quite upset by this. I didnt tell him what happened. I just dont know what to do - i figure i will wait and see how i feel when he returns, but i feel like i need to make a decision and follow it through.

 

I am so uncomfortable being alone in my head after what has happened as i just hate myself - i just feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. But i also dont know if i should tell him what happened. I wonder if people think i should talk to him about taking a break - has anyone experienced anything like this before - had a break and either returned to their relationship or broke it off as a result? I'm so confused!

Edited September 29, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[drifter777]

Don't tell him just to ease your conscience - that is so cruel. If there is nearly zero chance of him finding out on his own then there is no reason to ever tell him about it. If you want to do it again then simply break up with him, and make sure he understands that you are breaking up and will start seeing other men.

 

From what you say I think you know that it is best to break it off and go out and have sex with other guys. If you don't then you are surly going to cheat again because you want to be with other men so badly. You'll do the same thing; have a few drinks and then give yourself permission to boink some guy because your "so drunk". If you care for this guy then stop using him as a back-up plan. Don't call it "a break" - just break up and be clear about it. You might be making a mistake but, hey, we all make mistakes. You just have to take that chance because if you do what most girls do - keep their current guy hanging on - then you are just being cruel.

[MyMuse]

Thanks for your reply Drifter777. I agree, it is cruel to tell him to ease my conscience. I actually had thought i wouldnt tell him... somewhat driven by the fact that i didnt actually have sex. Yes i know, its still cheating... but its not as bad as it could have been i guess is what i'm saying. I am hoping i can learn to live with what i did. I think a break is what is in my mind... you mention making it a break up rather than a break, but i am not sure i would be the type of person to just "string him along". I'm not sure if it came across in my post, but i care deeply for him, he knows me so well, he's been my best friend forever... and yes, of course someone who says they love someone wouldnt do this... and this is what i'm struggling with. Im not infallible, i've seriously messed up. I just want to know how to go forward without having any regrets. I would rather try a break first before i totally lose him, because it might be enough for me to be with someone else and realise what i have. It might not be... and in that case, we would talk and make it more permanent.

 

Also, you mention i want to be with other men so badly... but that is the thing. Until that weekend, i hadnt even looked at another guy. I had known this guy for many years, had always been attracted to him, and after drinking etc, i guess it all just aligned and what happened happened. Its not like i want to go out and sleep with randoms... i dont think i do (i'm kind of too old for that!). I wouldnt give myself permission to use alcohol as an excuse... i put it in my post as it was a factor... i'm not saying i can negate my behaviour because of it.

 

Thanks for your reply, it has helped me start to make sesnse of things and hopefully get some direction around what i should do next.

[drifter777]

When you say you just want a break so you can boff some other guy with a clear conscience it makes me sad. You are using this man as a backup plan and you don't even see it. In case you don't like the guys you sleep with too much you want to know you can always go back to good old whats-his-name. Kinda sad when you see it in black and white ain't it? When you sleep with another man while on this "break" you will rip the heart out of you BF. You can't enjoy being single and keep a committed relationship alive. They don't mix. What you are planing is the most selfish thing you can possibly do. Please have the decency to break up with the guy before you slip the knife into his back.

[MyMuse]

Is a break not a 2-way street? The whole purpose of me talking to my boyfriend about the potential break is so I'm not selfish and do it behind his back. A break means the committed relationship is not in existence.. I wouldn't be maintaining it AND sleeping with someone else. We would have to agree on what the break would mean for us.. And if both agree, I'm not sure how I'm being selfish. But maybe you're right, maybe I don't see it. Anyway... Again, thanks for your reply.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you are right to take a break from the relationship. Something isn't working if you're winding up in bed with another guy. If you feel you need time to explore yourself and others as a single girl, then so be it. Just be prepared to let go of your boyfriend completely and for good. He may not be interested in reconciling later, and you might feel the same. Either way, it isn't right to keep the relationship going if you're having these doubts.

 

To be honest, I have somewhat of a hard time believing these feelings all arose suddenly last weekend. Can you honestly tell yourself you'd never once felt this way prior to cheating? I don't know you personally, of course, but it sounds like you're in some denial.

[MyMuse]

I've never felt like sleeping with someone else, no, but i had questioned whether my inexperience with other people, relationships etc would cause an issue in my relationship... this had been in my mind previously, yes, but i hadnt considered acting on it. I managed to put the question mark out of my mind for the most part previously, as my relationship was going really well... and i had reached the conclusion that maybe i didn't need to experience other relationships, or being with someone else in order to move things forward with my boyfriend. It is a pretty rare occurrence to be only with one person your whole life these days. But as a result of last weekend, its raised this issue again. So whether thats denial... or just not addressing something that may have been lying under the surface - i'm not sure. It certainly wasn't a conscious denial anyway.

 

I know a lot of people "settle" for someone as they will meet their needs, through fear of not finding someone else etc... and this is what i am hoping to avoid. I am not meaning to be nasty to my boyfriend, i am not meaning to consider him a back-up plan, i am just trying to give the issue some consideration before i blindly commit to a life with him, which (if it is wrong) will eventually come undone and cause us more pain. We've had a good relationship for 6 years, of course with ups and downs, and we have worked through these... Some people have the great experience of "just knowing" things are right, whereas i don't, i've never been able to trust my gut (i have a tendency toward over-thinking) and i just want to be sure... So if this question is going to come up again in 2, 5 or 10 years, i'd rather do something about it now.

[twosadthings]

"Breaks" in a committed relationship are a ridiculous idea. Call them what they are - the desire to cheat. Analyze your feelings and go from there. If you don't want to spend your life with your boyfriend tell him so. Just understand that when you move on there will likely be no going back.

 

I'm an old guy who's been married forty one years to a woman that I've been her only. I can't say she always been happy with me but I can say that if she said she wanted a break to test the waters I've would have told her to stay submerged until she was wrinkled and when she came up for air I wouldn't be around.

 

Committed adults act so.

 

Twosadthings

[No Limit]

If the guy you cheated with is a friend of your BF, of course there's a possibility he'll find out.

You want to have sex with other men. Break up with him and go for it.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

OP, I've never been in your situation, but I know several women who have---all lovely, smart young ladies who were engaged/very serious with their first boyfriend, then they suddenly snapped and cheated. It's incredibly common, especially when you're young. Realizing the limitations of your knowledge and experience is scary! Not everyone wants to marry their one and only and it's OK if you don't want to.

 

You need to break up with your boyfriend if your desire for experience outweighs your desire to be with him. Be honest with him about your feelings and see what happens. You're still so young; don't let yourself be pressured into making decisions or doing things that don't feel right.

 

Be kind to him and be kind to yourself, too.

[lolablue17]

Your whole conception of relationships is totally wrong, that's what i think (i apologize in advance because of my limited english).

 

When you choose a partner, it's not like you buy a TV, or a new car. When you buy a car or TV, you test few models, compare, and then make a wise decision.

 

If you implement that method to choosing your man, It wont work. Then you'll have a good chance of taking the wrong choice.

 

Because not as a product, people develope, grow, and going through a process during life. Not like a product, The quality of your R depends not on the quality of your man, but mostly on MUTUAL EFFORTS of both side to each other.

 

When you want to experience other men, it's a natural legitimate desire, but then i recommend you to be honest with yourself, admit your desire and go fulfill your needs, fantasies, desires.

 

Dont ever do it just to "check, test and compare". Because when you "have your break", you also will break the holy sensitive treasure you have with your boyfriend. you're going to damage your current R, and if you decide to go back together, and even if he agrees to take you back, it will never be the same again.

 

You're going to lose what you have now - for ever. So what's the point of comparison? you will compare everything to "what you had", not what you're "going to have" in case of getting back together.

 

Last advise - Don't "take a break" because then you'll heart your boyfriend's feeling for the short as well as the long term. Just don't do that. By that you will prevent him to move on, and he will seat and wait while you're busy with "comparing". It is cruel to announce a "break". Don't be selfish - if you want to go that way - break up with him and let him live his life.

Edited September 28, 2014 by lolablue17

[giblesp]

Sorry to be so direct, but you strike me as a little self centered. Saying, 'I don't know what to do,' and 'I'll see how I feel,' suggests that you are not considering your partners feelings as a priority. This is usually how betrayal occurs in the first place.

 

How would you feel in his situation? Would you like it if he went with one of your friends(!), and 'sort of let it happen,' told you he needed a break and then couldn't make up his mind about how he felt? No. That would be playing with you, and selfish.

 

Be honest with him about what happened. He deserves that. And then close the relationship if he doesn't.

 

In future, if you are in a committed relationship, end it before doing things with other people.

[Elle1975]

This break is taken under the assumption that the boyfriend is going to stick around while you test the waters. Problem is, he most likely will not stick around.

 

Because he loves you, he is willing to accept any of your terms - for now. However, my guess is that he's going to lick his wounds and enjoy his new found freedom. He will look for someone else, and he will find someone else.

 

All penises/vaginas are the same (roughly..), what matters is the type of connection that you have with your special someone.

 

Now if you tell me that you aren't happy, that's fair enough. Just break up.

 

This "break", even if it doesn't happen, has already damaged your relationship. My guess is that if you want to stay with him, you're going to have to work for it. He's in a foreign country, with foreign girls, and his gf just mentioned a "break". I let you imagine what's going through his head.. The ball is in your camp for now, but I imagine the wind is going to turn around soon.

[CharlieFox]

I never understood how anyone would be okay with taking a temporary break so they can see other people. Like, what do you expect the other person to do - just wait for you to compare how it feels with other people and eventually tell him that you found someone better? Or expect him to be the same like you and not care about his feelings and just live it up ****ing other people?

 

I think there is no such thing as a "break". There is just break-up. And that's what you'll have to do if you want to see other people. Have some respect for yourself and for the great guy you have by your side, and let him know where you stand.

[JS84]

Do your boyfriend a favor and break up with him. Not "Go on a break" so you can **** other guys while he's on standby, clueless with his thumb up his ass waiting for you to get ****ing other men out of your system. Break up with him so he can find someone more mature and less self-centered. A decent partner. That's if he really is the great guy you say he is. Let him be with someone he deserves and can make him happy. And you can do whatever the hell it is that you want. Good luck.

Edited September 28, 2014 by JS84

[veggirl]

I don't get it. What is it you want? A "break" so you can date/hook up with other guys and then...get back together with your bf? Do you actually think that is a possibility? It's not. If you break up, you break up. You don't get to go experience things (guys) and then go back. No one with any self-respect would accept that from their partner. Just break up with him if you want to date other people.

[drifter777]

OP: so its unanimous - we all think this "break" thing is selfish and immature. The very idea of a "break" in a committed relationship so you can have sex with other guys and then get back together (or not) is ridicules. We also all think that if you want to go out and live a single life then that's great - go for it. We just think you should break up with your BF first and be honest with him about your wanting to experience other men. Act like a woman instead of a spoiled little girl.

[aliveagain]

It is obvious that your not as committed to your relationship as your boyfriend is. Cheating with his friend is really low and shows a lack of respect for your man, imagine if you found out he spent the night in bed with one of your friends, how would you feel? Without honesty there is no hope for your relationship regardless. Once you break things off you won't be able to control what happens, are you prepared to loose him for some strange di*k? What if being the only man in your life is an important aspect of what he finds attractive about you. He may not look at you the same way once he finds out you've been with other men. Think things through, above all else be honest with him. If you decide to stay together, tell him what you did with his friend.

 

This guy is no friend, he needs to know what kind of dirtbag he is so the same thing doesn't happen with his next girlfriend.

Edited September 29, 2014 by aliveagain

[BeholdtheMan]

I'm so confused!

 

Don't be. You got drunk and almost had sex with your BF's friend. Getting drunk isn't an excuse. Don't try to avoid responsibility. Own up to your cheating. Then decide how you want to proceed. Ultimately, it's all up to you.

 

Here are my suggestions:

 

If you're going to break up with your BF, you don't need to tell him. I would still recommend that you do, but since you're removing yourself from his life, he won't be living a lie

 

If you want to stay with him, you should tell him the truth. If the situations were reversed, would you want him to keep you in the dark? Would you want to be oblivious to your partner's cheating?

 

Don't string your BF along and treat him as the back-up guy. That's the most disrespectful, cruel way of treating a partner. Either keep him and be honest or leave him (and be honest...recommended)

[Discjockey80]

Can I suggest even yet another factor to consider?

 

 

When you take this break, can you live with the idea of your boyfriend seeing other women? He will likely have sexual relations with them and develop feelings for them. Are you okay with that? When you experience that reality in your mind you'll know the true motives behind your actions. Something tells me you either are not okay with it which is insane given your reasons for wanting to do so.

 

 

-or-

 

 

If you are okay with it then the relationship is definitely over for sure. Your lack of jealousy would scream detachment and lack of love.

[Spectre]

I will never get over the shock I feel when I see people advising other people to LIE about things like this. Of course you tell him. If you have a decent bone left in your body you tell him. Will it hurt him? Of course it will, but then you should of thought of that before you cheated with his friend. Why weren't you worried about his feelings before hand? You don't get to suddenly decide after the fact "oh, I suddenly care!".

 

Even if you are going to dump your boyfriend he still deserves to know the type of person he was with, anything less is just disrespectful.

 

You say this:

 

"Thing is, i would hate to lose my boyfriend just because i need to experience what it is like to be with someone else... he is so good in every way"

 

How utterly selfish does this sound?! You would hate to lose your boyfriend just because you felt you needed to cheat? Just..wow, I don't even know what to say. If your boyfriend was so good in every way you wouldn't of needed to experience some other dude. I do not know why people seem to equate fooling around with strangers as some magical life altering experience that grants some kind of wisdom or perspective on the world. It doesn't and this is a prime example.

 

Sorry, you messed up. You cheated and he deserves to know and yeah..he will most likely dump you and you have to realize..he SHOULD dump you, right? That he does not deserve someone who would ever do this? Someone who could be so selfish as to then pull the "oh, I don't want to tell him just to ease his conscience!". Honey, men are not fragile little tea kettles. We can handle a lot. If you aren't telling him? It is because you just don't have the guts to do so, not because you care about his feelings, since if you cared about his feelings you wouldn't be here in the first place, would you?

 

In conclusion, set this poor guy free and remember lying is NEVER the answer. Do not let anyone here twist your mind into thinking deceit is ever the preferable way to go. You do not get to decide what your bf can or can't handle, that is up to him. You don't get to keep this from him and still claim to even have a shred of love for him. Do not listen to the nonsense of "if you are breaking up don't tell him" because when in gods name did staying together with someone become the ONLY reason to be honest? Do you realize how insane that sounds? It should never be "I will be honest only if there is hope for us in the future" it should be "I will be honest because it is the right thing to do and I will just have to deal with the consequences like the adult I claim to be".

Edited September 30, 2014 by Spectre

[Buckeye2]

Now, this has just served to confuse the hell out of me. I felt such strong desire for this guy, so much stronger than i have had for my boyfriend in a long time (we've been together 6 years - that has faded!).

 

If your head is placed in an MRI and you are asked to think about your “loved one” your brain lights up. If you have known your “loved one” for less than 2 or 3 years a primitive part of your brain lights up. If you have known them longer your frontal lobes or the thinking part of your brain lights up.

 

 

An interesting side note is that when speaking a different part of your brain lights up depending on if you learned that language as a child or as an adult.

 

 

The bottom line is a person that you have known for years can’t compete in terms of pure excitement with a new person.

[Diezel]

I went away last weekend, and got really drunk (really drunk!).

 

 

God forbid an adult EVER accept responsibility for their actions.

 

Break up with your boyfriend, you don't even have a sense of accountability.

Whether you tell him or not, isn't the issue. He deserves better.

[Spectre]

No I feel telling him is also the issue. People these days so often want to just skirt around responsibility. Oh, I can't tell them because I don't want to hurt them! Even though logically if I didn't want to hurt them I wouldn't of cheated in the first place, but f*ck logic, I'm selfish!

 

Seriously, people need to get out of this mentality that other people are fragile pieces of glass. Life isn't all about happiness, pain is a part of life. 99% of people can handle more then they think, so whenever I see anyone pulling the "I betrayed this person and now am going to not tell them because I am super concerned about their feelings!" it just makes me sick. How do these people not realize they have no ground to stand upon since they *should of worried about hurting this person prior to cheating*.

[Justaguy30]

Taking a break doesn't mean you go **** other people. That is not a break it is you just wanting to sleep with other people which means you no longer want to be in a relationship with the current guy. Break up with him because its over.