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Finally over the (ex) love of my life, after 30 years

ISOaHigherLove

By ISOaHigherLove
in General Relationship Discussion

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ISOaHigherLove New Member

ISOaHigherLove

Posted
Posted (edited)

It was not like I was pining away, and we could have gotten back together if I wanted, but there was just this connection, this desire for his attention.

 

We met at 20, it was intense and we held nothing back, he was part of my mind and soul. We to bounce ideas off each other, and we played word games and wrote each other stories, both serous and silly, poetry, and love letters. We shared books and talked about them, and would read to each other quotes that we liked. I missed that creative interchange and never had it with anyone else.

 

Three years later he cheated on me, and when I found out, it was devastating. I was sure he had cheated and he lied and lied and lied until I believed him. Six months later, I found a letter from the other girl when I was looking in his clipboard for a newsletter. It was apparently one time but it was the lying and manipulating me to doubt my own convictions that did me it. Oh, and the worst part was that all his friends knew he was lying to me. I felt like a god damn fool.

 

It ended messily, he immediately moved in with the other girl. I broke off all contact with him and any mutual friends, moved, and got an unlisted phone number (this being the olden days of no cells and internet). If someone was not 100% my friend (which were mostly my friends before we were a couple), then they were out of my life. It was extremely satisfying to start fresh.

 

For the last ten years we have emailed and I occasionally call him at work. His wife knows we communicate, he has forwarded funny emails and both of us are on the distribution list.

 

Whenever I called him I could hear the nervousness in his voice. We would talk about work and family, politics and current events, we didn't talk about our history. However, when we started emailing 14 years ago he started mentioning times when we were together and it began to feel like an emotional affair, so I backed off the communications.

 

In the last year whenever I sent him an email and described stuff in my life, he would respond back saying he would get back to me but he never did. So, I kept my emails more casual, in what I said about myself, but asked after his father and brother, who were having problems. A few months ago I had a health scare and needed a biopsy. His email was flippant, saying something like "Yay starting new job, boo cancer cells." Thanks for all the empathy, a-hole.

 

He emailed me last week and asked how things were and I described car problems and a family problem. His response was--too bad, is the job going OK?

 

Then last week he emailed that a mutual friend's mother is dying. He knew that this friend and I had an irrevocable falling out several years ago, so the information was of no interest to me. I replied with a thank you. He called me and left a message to tell me the same information, and mentioned that he and his wife will not be at the funeral because his wife is getting a biopsy. He asked me to call him.

 

I thought, WTF? No, no, no. Not happening. He gets something out of talking to me, I can hear his nervousness and he sometimes gets awkward when he speaks. Before called ID, when I would call and say hi its me, there would be a little pause before he could say anything.

 

I know I wanted an emotional response from him, I wanted some empathy, I wanted to know that I somehow still mattered to him, as he still mattered to me. But, ya know, I am f-ing over it. I can accept that I will never have a relationship like that, again. And that is probably for the best, as I lost part of myself in that love, it was too much, it was like drowning, and it does not matter if you drown in salt water or sugar water, the results are the same.

 

Goodbye TJN. It is time for you to stop taking up valuable real estate in my heart, you are hereby evicted.

Edited by ISOaHigherLove
  • Like 2
CaliGuy Established Member

CaliGuy

Posted
Posted

30 years he has cast you aside. I have a question....what have you been doing with YOUR life in that time?

  • Like 3
  • Author
ISOaHigherLove New Member

ISOaHigherLove

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

How do you get that he "cast me aside" from what I wrote? I am the one who has the control, as I choose to not call him.

 

As to what I was doing: Living life. The normal stuff. It was not like I sat around in a decaying wedding dress like Miss Havisham. In our early thirties he was single and I had just started dating someone when he contacted me. He dropped hints about getting together which I ignored. A short time later he met someone and got married.

 

I married, divorced, dated but just never had the intense emotional, sexual, and intellectual relationship like I had with him. I had lots of great sex after we ended--that is a skill I brought to the table! But he would say "I love you, X" as he had an orgasm, not an easy thing to do, since at that point you usually are not thinking of anyone else. My sister said that when she was around us she knew she was in the presence of a great love.

 

We had major differences in religion, he was raised Baptist and I was an agnostic. He was upset because we would not be together in the afterlife. I felt like I lost part of my personality in the relationship, which is why I never considered getting back with him.

 

It is like a lightening bolt sears you together and when you separate you will always have scar tissue. Most people never have this kind of relationship once in a lifetime, much less twice.

 

I don't think of him daily, or even weekly, I would call him once every two to three months.

 

I know he feels the same loss as I do, that is why he is nervous whenever we speak. Sometimes when we would talk or email, we would fall into the creative and spontaneous back and forth we had as a couple and I was was the one to break the exchange because no good would come of it. He is happily married to a very compatible woman but her mind does not soar.

 

What I objected to with his call is that he had distanced himself from me emotionally, except for when he needs me.

Edited by ISOaHigherLove
No Limit Established Member

No Limit

Posted
Posted

You wasted 30 years of your life because you weren't strong enough for going NC. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you aren't going to waste 30 more - perhaps, depends on how long it takes before you crumble back together :confused: - but I think you should really ask yourself why you gave in to the "temptation" to stay in touch (with the " sign because you didn't gain anything from it and still didn't stop it).

  • Like 1
Apaige Established Member

Apaige

Posted
Posted
It was not like I was pining away, and we could have gotten back together if I wanted, but there was just this connection, this desire for his attention.

 

We met at 20, it was intense and we held nothing back, he was part of my mind and soul. We to bounce ideas off each other, and we played word games and wrote each other stories, both serous and silly, poetry, and love letters. We shared books and talked about them, and would read to each other quotes that we liked. I missed that creative interchange and never had it with anyone else.

 

Three years later he cheated on me, and when I found out, it was devastating. I was sure he had cheated and he lied and lied and lied until I believed him. Six months later, I found a letter from the other girl when I was looking in his clipboard for a newsletter. It was apparently one time but it was the lying and manipulating me to doubt my own convictions that did me it. Oh, and the worst part was that all his friends knew he was lying to me. I felt like a god damn fool.

 

It ended messily, he immediately moved in with the other girl. I broke off all contact with him and any mutual friends, moved, and got an unlisted phone number (this being the olden days of no cells and internet). If someone was not 100% my friend (which were mostly my friends before we were a couple), then they were out of my life. It was extremely satisfying to start fresh.

 

For the last ten years we have emailed and I occasionally call him at work. His wife knows we communicate, he has forwarded funny emails and both of us are on the distribution list.

 

Whenever I called him I could hear the nervousness in his voice. We would talk about work and family, politics and current events, we didn't talk about our history. However, when we started emailing 14 years ago he started mentioning times when we were together and it began to feel like an emotional affair, so I backed off the communications.

 

In the last year whenever I sent him an email and described stuff in my life, he would respond back saying he would get back to me but he never did. So, I kept my emails more casual, in what I said about myself, but asked after his father and brother, who were having problems. A few months ago I had a health scare and needed a biopsy. His email was flippant, saying something like "Yay starting new job, boo cancer cells." Thanks for all the empathy, a-hole.

 

He emailed me last week and asked how things were and I described car problems and a family problem. His response was--too bad, is the job going OK?

 

Then last week he emailed that a mutual friend's mother is dying. He knew that this friend and I had an irrevocable falling out several years ago, so the information was of no interest to me. I replied with a thank you. He called me and left a message to tell me the same information, and mentioned that he and his wife will not be at the funeral because his wife is getting a biopsy. He asked me to call him.

 

I thought, WTF? No, no, no. Not happening. He gets something out of talking to me, I can hear his nervousness and he sometimes gets awkward when he speaks. Before called ID, when I would call and say hi its me, there would be a little pause before he could say anything.

 

I know I wanted an emotional response from him, I wanted some empathy, I wanted to know that I somehow still mattered to him, as he still mattered to me. But, ya know, I am f-ing over it. I can accept that I will never have a relationship like that, again. And that is probably for the best, as I lost part of myself in that love, it was too much, it was like drowning, and it does not matter if you drown in salt water or sugar water, the results are the same.

 

Goodbye TJN. It is time for you to stop taking up valuable real estate in my heart, you are hereby evicted.

 

My heart is breaking for you. I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face for you because of the heartbreak I have felt, because of the pain that you are going through, because I know that pain, because of the shear pride that I feel for you for taking a stand, because of the disappointment that I feel for myself because I know that no matter what I cannot be as strong as you, and I so wish that I could. I don't know you, but I feel as if I do, based on your situation. I know that I will never find love like the love I once had with my ex husband, but I am finding it such a struggle to move on. I tried moving on with my new love, but it's just not there!!! Please stay strong, you have inspired me to try with all of my power to be strong!! I wish you great luck my friend!!

  • Author
ISOaHigherLove New Member

ISOaHigherLove

Posted
  • Author
Posted
You wasted 30 years of your life because you weren't strong enough for going NC. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you aren't going to waste 30 more - perhaps, depends on how long it takes before you crumble back together :confused: - but I think you should really ask yourself why you gave in to the "temptation" to stay in touch (with the " sign because you didn't gain anything from it and still didn't stop it).

 

Which part was "wasted"? My feelings for what we had never stopped me from being involved with any man. I loved men for who they were, not based on how they compared to T. It was just with deep regret that I never found the same depth of connection.

 

We stayed in touch because we did have a real friendship, we had a shared history, knew each other's families, and knew each other's friends.

 

As far as "crumble back together", I don't think emailing every 4 to 6 weeks and talking four or fives times a year was highly addictive behavior.

 

Suppose for the first twelve years of your life your parents were very wealthy, and you lived a lifestyle with all the benefits that money could buy. And then one day they lost all the money and you moved into a small apartment. You could not help but miss what you lost.

 

If you have not had a soul mate type of relationship then you really can't understand what I had.

No Limit Established Member

No Limit

Posted
Posted
If you have not had a soul mate type of relationship then you really can't understand what I had.

 

Depends on whether you believe in "soulmate" stuff or not.

  • Like 2
travelbug1996 Established Member

travelbug1996

Posted
Posted

reading this post re confirms why NC is critical. people are emotional vampires with nothing to give.

 

you had intense feelings for him but it doesn't sound like he felt the same way. if he did, he would have never cheated in the first place.

 

stay away from this taker. you only have one life, please don't waste time on this guy.

  • Like 1
  • Author
ISOaHigherLove New Member

ISOaHigherLove

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Depends on whether you believe in "soulmate" stuff or not.

 

Those who have experienced it, know it. Those who have not, can not imagine it.

Tayken Established Member

Tayken

Posted
Posted
My heart is breaking for you. I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face for you because of the heartbreak I have felt, because of the pain that you are going through, because I know that pain, because of the shear pride that I feel for you for taking a stand, because of the disappointment that I feel for myself because I know that no matter what I cannot be as strong as you, and I so wish that I could. I don't know you, but I feel as if I do, based on your situation. I know that I will never find love like the love I once had with my ex husband, but I am finding it such a struggle to move on. I tried moving on with my new love, but it's just not there!!! Please stay strong, you have inspired me to try with all of my power to be strong!! I wish you great luck my friend!!

 

At least you've been there, and nobody can take that away from you. Times are changing, and there are a lot of factors i.e. external wise there today that makes long term relationships challenging.

 

People that one to easily roll into another relationship after a failed one, usually find that once the initial attraction disappears, it's just like deja vu.

 

Bottom line, just find a companion, enjoy your time together, and find other things to keep your life busy.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

You just wasted your energy, care and love on someone who lied and lied and lied, and cheated on you, moved on with their life, got married and built a life with someone else. All for what? You hung on and didn't emotionally detach from your first love. I'm not judging you but you couldn't fully open your heart to another man because you were still so loving your ex from your past.

 

I hope you now find a wonderful man who will love and adore you face to face, not just someone to email with and hang onto from the past.

  • Like 2
No Limit Established Member

No Limit

Posted
Posted
Those who have experienced it, know it. Those who have not, can not imagine it.

 

That's what they all say. Especially those who had their hearts broken by their first love, only to find true happiness a couple of years later.

 

 

Of course there are people you connect better with than others. But remaining with them even though they do you no good harms you, nothing more.

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