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Dealing with jealousy in a strange situation


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Try to be brief-- met a guy online literally the day before I left the country (I'll be gone for almost half a year). Didn't think much of it because I was leaving. When I got to where I was going, was bored one night and responded. Don't know why. Somehow we end up talking for 5 hours on the phone that night. Fast forward almost a month and we've been talking/texting/Skyping throughout the day, every single day. On weekends he stays up until 8 am his time just to talk to me. We have begun to establish this amazing connection-- I honestly feel like I know him forever. Obviously he's not just trying to get laid because he knows I won't even be in the same country as him again until a few months later.

 

So here's the deal-- obviously we've never met in person. We are not in an official relationship (how can we be if we've never met? that'd be silly). He's not my boyfriend, and frankly he owes me nothing because we just met and have never hung out in person. But my emotions are conflicted because we literally talk for hours and hours and hours. I know he feels the same way. We are growing to care about one another. We talk about how excited we are to meet each other in 3.5 months when I return.

 

Now, at the same time, we are trying to be realistic. I can't expect him to be celibate and not see other people for 4 months just because I'm not there...the man's never met me. We discussed this and it was decided that yes, we both have the right to sleep with whomever we want but that we really do like each other, are growing to care for each other, and want to try to date in person, but because we have so long before we can even meet in person, it's feasible that one or both of us will have sex with other people before we meet.

 

I don't have a problem with sex as a physical release in and of itself, especially in this situation where I can't realistically demand celibacy from the man I've never met! He said he would be honest and tell me about everything he does....and he actually has. He has hooked up with this same girl now a few times and told me about it. He tells me he thinks about me constantly, would prefer that he was spending time with me, that she doesn't really mean anything to him on an emotional level. That she's nice, they get along, he likes her obviously enough to hang out with her and have sex with her, but that he doesn't expect any long-term things with her. That he's really trying to look forward to when I return.

 

I didn't think it would bother be so much but it does. I don't know what to do about this. He talks to me all day, every day. if he has a rare day when he hasnt spoken to me, the only reason is because he's with another girl. Last night he admitted to me that this recent girl slept over. I felt imemdiately this pang of hurt. He got upset seeing my face and apologised profusely, saying even though he knows he didnt do anything wrong somehow he feels so bad about this situation. That he cares for me and is dying to be with me, and yet he doesnt know how its possible for him to remain celibate and alone for almost half a year waiting for someone he's never even met in person before. That in the interim he needs and craves physical attention. Which honestly I understand. If we had been dating before I left that's another story-- obviously I'd expect fidelity. But in this case we have technically never even met in person so I can't expect anything, but we are in this strange situation where we are developing intense feelings for one another and the thought of him being intimate with another girl is bothering me. It's not the sex that bothers me honestly...if I thought it was some meaningless one night stand I'd not even care. But he's not an a**hole, he's not into one night stands, and so he prefers to sort of date someone he is sleeping with and at least have a friendly connection with them. So in my mind I imagine them cuddling in bed at night, him kissing her before going to work in the morning....things like this, and it is THOSE sort of intimate and emotional moments that make me insanely jealous and upset.

 

i don't know where to direct my feelings. I can't be mad at him because he's allowed to do this-- again, he is not my boyfriend. Technically he told me while he hates the thought and wishes I wouldn't, he can't tell ME not to sleep with anyone while I'm away , but the honest truth is that when my mind/heart are with one person it's hard for me to hook up with other men anyway. So while I love sex, feasibly I could hold out another 3.5 months until I get back because I really feel that this guy has potential. He seems special. I haven't been able to just talk to someone like this in so long....he seems almost perfect except for the fact that we are stuck thousands of miles apart until January.

 

I dont want to make this any longer than it already is but I dont know what to do. My options seem to be A) continue talking to him all day, every day like I do now, and when he disappears for a day here and there just accept that he's with another girl and deal with it and hope that he's sincere when he says that no matter who he is casually seeing none of them compare to me and he'll cast them all aside as soon as I come back

 

or B) tell him we can't talk at all (or as often?) as we do now so that when he DOES see a girl here and there I don't notice it and hopefully it won't bother me (eg- we talk so often now that if he 'disappears' for even half a day i notice it and i immediately know why....because other than those evenings he's with some girl he literally talks to me the entire time)

 

I love talking to him, i love waking up every day to messages from him saying how wonderful i am and how he can't wait to see my face and all this adoring beautiful words that lighten my day....but knowing about these hook ups with these girls is going to upset me more and more , i can see it already.

 

on the other hand i'm afraid if we don't talk at all or just dwindle down to talking sporadically, that we will lose some of the momentum we've built and that he'll forget about me a bit. Because for now we have really started to establish this fantastic connection.

 

This is a really strange situation that I have never been in before-- talking to someone so much without having ever actually ever met them in person. I care about him like I've known him IRL and much longer, and he feels the same way, but I'm having a little trouble (more than I thought) being ok with knowing about his casual physical dalliances, especially since they are often with the same girl and in effect, to me, it's as if he is dating her even if he insists that it's casual and she "means nothing and doesn't compare to" me.

 

Ideas???

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PS- sorry this is long or confusing but ive had a long day....

 

he wants to talk to me tonight after work , and has sent me countless texts telling me he feels awful for making me feel bad and doesn't know what to do to rectify this until I come back because he doesnt feel it is fair to ask him to risk being along for half a year on the off chance that he and I don't work out when we meet in person....which is fair of him to say. I don't know what to say to him or how to make myself be ok with this situation....I dont want to lose him. I swear I could see myself falling in love with this person and I don't say that alot, despite my penchant for liking men that suck...he seems like a genuinly nice guy and is disgustingly honest (he literally tells me everything, he hides nothing from me, for better or worse...)

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dreamingoftigers

Really? None of this looks like anything but a prescription for heartbreak.

 

I had a roommate go througj this years ago.

 

You are attaching yourself to someone when you really arent available and he's screwing someone else.

 

Does this sound familiar to you?

 

You end up with guys that are sleeping with someone else and feel like the second choice.

 

Let's just say (for fun) that the reasons for this are purely situational.

Let's just say he's this "great guy."

 

It's still effing weird and not really functional for either one of you.

He must realize the attachment you've developed and is hooking up and having the other girl stay in his bed etc

 

Sure he's "open about it" but that isn't close to the point.

 

Maybe you can't "demand celibacy" for Omigosh Four Whole Months in case his dick falls off or something. But really, you can remove yourself from hours and hours of conversation with him and back off to friend status until you are back in the country when it *might* be worth exploring.

 

Why invest so much emotion and time into an online maybe who is openly sleeping with someone else and it is hurting?

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Really? None of this looks like anything but a prescription for heartbreak.

 

I had a roommate go througj this years ago.

 

You are attaching yourself to someone when you really arent available and he's screwing someone else.

 

Does this sound familiar to you?

 

You end up with guys that are sleeping with someone else and feel like the second choice.

 

Let's just say (for fun) that the reasons for this are purely situational.

Let's just say he's this "great guy."

 

It's still effing weird and not really functional for either one of you.

He must realize the attachment you've developed and is hooking up and having the other girl stay in his bed etc

 

Sure he's "open about it" but that isn't close to the point.

 

Maybe you can't "demand celibacy" for Omigosh Four Whole Months in case his dick falls off or something. But really, you can remove yourself from hours and hours of conversation with him and back off to friend status until you are back in the country when it *might* be worth exploring.

 

Why invest so much emotion and time into an online maybe who is openly sleeping with someone else and it is hurting?

 

Ok you definitely made me laugh a little bit, so thank you for that :-)

 

It's not that I think his dick will fall off, haha. Or that he can't go for four months without sex. I just don't feel that I have a right to demand that of him at this point in knowing him, just like he has no right to demand that I can't go on dates or sleep with other people.

 

If I asked him to stay away from other people, I'm basically asking him to forgoe meeting others on the off chance that maybe in several months when I come back that we have that same spark in person that we do now-- something that is obviously not guaranteed.

 

I dont know how I always find myself in these situations. I am pretty sure if I was still there living in the same city as him, this wouldnt be an issue at all. He tells me every day he wishes i were there so we could explore our potential immediately, but that he's worried to hold out fully and ignore all other possibilities when we are not a guaranteed thing. He's being logical, I dont disagree in theory. It's just that Im being jealous right now because I wish I was there, obviously.

 

Im supposed to have a chat with him later and I suppose Ill tell him all this, i dont know.

 

Do you think its a reasonable thing to ask someone you've never met to not date/see/sleep with anyone else until you get back? I venture probably not a reasonable request to be honest. I just happen to like him a lot so far for whatever reason and dont want to toally give up on the idea yet, either...

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dreamingoftigers

Honestly,

 

You probably wont listen to me.

 

I think the wise thing would be to stop investing so much time and emotion into another four month "maybe."

 

Unless you like the distraction in another country.

 

You have not met him yet, yet you are falling for him while completely being able to experience him in the whole, real person he is.

 

The internet has really changed a lot of things for people.

I started dating when online dating JUST became a "thing."

 

I met my first (long-term) boyfriend through the internet. (Not through an OLD site)

Back when everyone was saying "oh God dont meet someone off the internet. They are pervs will rape you and throw you in a ditch. Thats why they had to go on the internet to begin with.

 

Okay. So that was my mother who said that. And shes a bit of a spaz.

 

But I did receive some advice which was very very true.

People present differently (intentional and unintentionally) through media than they do in person. It does create a fantasy. And that fantasy can be very addictive.

 

But in your case it is pretty torturous.

 

I am not saying he is or isnt a great guy.

 

But you are investing a lot of time and emotional energy into basically a question matk who isn't your boyfriend and is having a "real" life outside of this for now.

 

His messages are sweet and give an ego boost.

But your brain is really filling in all of the blanks on this one.

And since we love to mate and have sex etc etc etc......its going to fill in the blanks with great guy/sexy/love/boyfriend stuff.

 

You are overinvested at this point.

 

So what else can you do with your time to take care of you and improve your lot in life.

Maybe even limit Mr. Question Mark to an hour a night or something. Honestly, half of that. Explore more of the country you are in. Something that detaches you a little more emotiobally from hin until you DO have the chance to meet.

 

I mean, if he starts dating hook-up girl at this point. You'll be crushed. Rejected. Gutted.

 

All over a guy you haven't met who could be just awful in person.

Maybe he blows his nose so loud that it honks. And he always does it at the breakfast tablr. I think that would actually be a dealbreaker for me.

 

It just seems out of balance given the circumstance.

And like you dont have any level of emotional security for the feelings you are investing in.

 

I gotta say, it always sends up a red flag when people talk like sex is oxygen.

Like oh my goodness, I almost missed my dose of sex and it's been a week! Yes sex feels great. I love sex. I would probably have sex full time as a career if, well, it was woth one committed partner in a non-repugnant environment and we were paid well and had privacy. But then, how would we unwind after work?

 

But when people start acting more like, but if I don't get my sex......everyone better watch out! Instead of, "well it may happen. We haven't met. You aren't here and I do meet girls.".....red flag

 

Plus the fact that this guy is playing catch and release/sleepover with someone who "doesn't mean very much to him....a little much.

 

No offense.

 

Btw, that first real bf....he was pretty genuine online but he was still different than I expected. We dated 1.5 years. I was 16 when we met. Gave him my V-card on Y2K at midnight. He was pretty immature though. But so was I. I broke it off with him. No ill will.

 

Even though he was who he said he was, my mind did fill in blanks that later didn't line up. I suspect it is much more common now that OLD is so popular.

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acrosstheuniverse

I think he has the right idea to be honest, it's a little silly to be putting any hopes at all on something with someone you've never even met. You could not even be attracted to each other. He could have breath so bad you can't handle it. So many variables. Honestly, I'd scale back on the talking to let yourself get some perspective for a while, and then if you're both still single, meet up when you get back home. To continue to invest your heart and time into him while he's sleeping with other people would be risky and foolish I think.

 

I know sometimes it's like 'omg our connection! We are so right for each other!' with someone online, but until you actually meet, you can't really know anything for certain.

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acrosstheuniverse

Plus he really has the upper hand at the moment. He's having regular sex with one girl, while knowing that he has you hanging onto his every word and even getting upset about it. He knows you're invested. I think I'd say to him 'I would love to meet up when I get back, but for now I think it's best if we both take a little space to focus on our lives apart from each other' and then cut contact. When you get back, send him a text or something and see where things stand there. A lot can change in a few months.

 

I was talking to one guy online when I was single, I was sleeping with a mate of mine at the time. I hadn't met online guy yet. I remember one time mentioning that I was seeing the guy I was sleeping with, and the internet guy was cool with it. I was surprised, and he laughed and said 'you're not my girlfriend, we haven't even met, you can do what you like. Let's see how it goes when we meet' and it attracted me to him even more he was that rational and calm about it all. We did end up meeting and dating a little, it didn't work out with either guy though.

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you are getting attached/dependent on and to someone you've never met. that's not healthy. based on your previous posts you should try staying single for a while. you seem to go from one relationship to another.

 

i would back up from this guy. you don't know him. he clearly has no self control while claiming to be soooo into you.

 

Move on please to self love time.

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You are setting yourself up for massive disappointment, which I guess you've experienced already.

 

Your better move would be to tell him that for your own peace of mind, you're going to just stop texting/calling him completely, and that you'll be back in the country on such-and-such date, and make a date/time to meet for your first date after you come back. Tell him you'll reconfirm a couple of weeks ahead of time.

 

And then try to have some fun where you really are.

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Thanks all for your responses thus far

 

You are all very right....in my heart I know this.

 

I would like to put out there, however, that I really do not jump from one relationship to another (I suppose it seems that way before I only post here when i have an issue :-) ). In reality I have spent most of my adult like purposefully single (dating, but not getting into actual relationships) because truly I do not rush into things, i am not the type to call someone my boyfriend after a month, etc. I think I've just had some singularly very bad experiences that have left a bad taste in my mouth, made me very cynical, etc.

 

This guy , in all honestly, owes me nothing at this point. We have never met in person, he is allowed to date, sleep with, whatever and whomever he wants while Im not there. He tells me he wishes I was there because he adores me so far , and I believe him, but at the same time yes he is being rational that there is the small chance we won't like each other in person and he doesn't want to feel like he wasted six months waiting for someone that it wasn't going to work out with. It's a tricky situation because we are sort of establishing this emotional connection by talking so much and yet we can't do anything about it for 3.5 more months.

 

In my mind I can have fun while I am overseas, but realistically I can't date anyone seriously while Im here because A) I literally work ALL THE TIME as I work in a demanding medical profession (sometimes 12-13 hours a day, easily, is the norm for a week) and so I barely have time to see friends to catch up let alone date some new shmuck and B) I'm leaving in 3.5 months back to the same country this dude is in to continue some other work I have going and so there's no point in dating anyone here while Im leaving soon. I'm not big on one night stands or sporadic hook ups to be honest, I prefer sex with people I have a connection with.

 

So I feel a bit like the "sucker" in this situation-- he's already in the place he lives, so he could theoretically meet a girl tomorrow and start dating her. If I meet a guy tomorrow I already know it will end in 3 months when I leave. I feel he and I are not on the same level playing field here even though we discussed how we both are able to date and sleep with whomever we want while Im gone. I fear he will meet someone he likes before I get back whereas that option is not a fear for him because he knows I have to leave here soon even if I do meet someone I like.

 

He is not a bad guy, he is not a liar, he has been nothing but rational, honest and calm with me since day one about his feelings, his hopes for the future, and how he is praying that it works out with him and me but that who can tell what happens over three months.

 

I think just my history of disappointment with men has made me so cynical that I love the fact that I've made a mental connection with someone and yet I hate it at the same time because I assume the worst. Hearing about him sleeping with this other girl that's been over a few times leaves in my this horrid internal feeling of disgust, not at the sex, but at the fact that he's potentially being emotionally intimate with someone else even though he claims he still likes me much more than her.

 

And then, at the same time, I imagine that she doesnt know I exist and probably thinks he is quite into her and I feel bad for her because I know what it's like to be "second" best in a man's mind while he's using you for sex.

 

So many thoughts twirling about my head. i was supposed to have a chat with him today but he got laid off from his job and was in a foul mood so we didn't end up talking about all this and I guess I'll have to talk to him tomorrow.

 

With all the hours I work and stress I have right now, it's really nice to have him as a distraction-- the loving messages, videos he sends me while im sleeping to say good morning when i wake up, the attention, it makes me feel good on days where I just want to scream. I have these visions of going back to the country he is in and starting life over again with him and it all working out and i guess I'm being whimsical and silly but Ive had some seriously bad situations in the past and I'm at a point in my life where I just want to find the right person already. I have everything else going for me-- a great education, job, future, family. I had some deaths in my family this year and sicknesses that stressed me out more than you can believe and after a really hard year between that and my job which i love but which is always a bit stressful, im really really just wanting to have someone i can come home to at night to hug me, kiss, me, cuddle me and make me feel like it's all worth it.

 

God I sound pathetic.

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Who knows what this guy is telling the woman he's actually sleeping with. It must be something good since they continuously hook up.

 

You have what I call the OW mindset. You're comparing yourself to this woman. You say you know what it feels like to be "second". How do you know what she feels. He may be telling her she's his one and only. You may be "second"

 

You wouldn't find yourself in this kind of situation if you would AVOID men that are unavailable. You seem to skim over that fact with a minimum of concern.

 

He's UNAVAILABLE

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acrosstheuniverse
And then, at the same time, I imagine that she doesnt know I exist and probably thinks he is quite into her and I feel bad for her because I know what it's like to be "second" best in a man's mind while he's using you for sex.

 

That's crazy, come on now. She has the upper hand. She is actually spending time with him and he likes her enough to be sleeping with her, overnight. The reason he probably hasn't said anything is because there is nothing between you two right now, and he'd sound a total idiot and probably get quizzical looks from her if he brought up that he may have feelings for a girl he has never ever met. He probably is into her, and due to the distance you're probably second best.

 

I think you need to get some distance between you right now, as the whole thing is clearly bothering you. You say you really just want to find the right person already because you're at the time of your life where you want it, and because you are having a rough time and need somebody's shoulder to cry on. It sounds like due to these two factors you're leaning on him a lot more than you should be for some random stranger, probably trying to jam him into this hole you feel in your life right now for somebody to come along. But if it was right, you wouldn't be feeling this way.

 

At the end of the day it's absolutely your decision, but it sounds like you already know you should heed everyone's advice and end it already. Ironically I think your best chance of actually eventually dating this guy would be to back off now and see where things are in a few months, because either he will go off you for being over involved and clingy, you'll get upset and go off him because he's into this other chick, or some other mad drama will ensue that'll spoil it for when you do return home.

 

Where are your friends in all of this? Where's their support while you're having such a bad time of things? I know that a text or email from my best friend is so much more comforting and reassuring and loving as a 'morning sweetie' message from an online person who doesn't really know you and isn't really involved in your life at all.

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The few friends I've told either think I'm mad for bothering to talk to someone long-distance, or they say to just not be that worried about it and if we're both still single when Im there in January then take it at that time.

 

Sort of logically I can look at my behaviour and see that my overly emotional moments are a result of grasping on desperately in some ways to someone who is showing me attention and affection (at least in words since he's not physically here), and it's easy to sort of get caught up in the moment and emotions that you think are developing. they feel real despite the reality that you've never met the person.

 

I spoke to him today and mentioned in passing that sometimes I worry he'll meet someone he likes and forget about me. His response was that he did meet someone he likes , but that he's still talking to me so obviously he likes something about me more if he's willing to keep talking to me for hours a day even though there's a girl there he likes well enough, just not as much as he thinks he will like me once we meet.

 

I think when he told me that he meant it to me a compliment of some sort-- that even though he's casually dating a girl he does like, that he likes me more , is the take away message. I didnt hear that. Obviously the only part I heard was the first part-- that he has a girl there that he likes. It made me moody for the rest of the conversation. I feel scared that if I keep doing this I will inadvertantly push him away because I have no right to be moody with him when he's being honest with me about everything he does. He doesn't have to tell me he's dating anyone at all technically, I guess.

 

i'm in a unique predicament because I feel that since I'll only be overseas 3 more months its futile to try to really date anyone , and i'm not really into the one night stand thing. So I feel a bit foolish being all celibate here while he's off hanging out with other girls, but at the same time I dont want to go out with other guys just to get back at him. Seems childish.

 

I want to cut ties with him but im worried doing that will make him forget about me. I think that, once we meet, there is legitimate potential here when I return to where he is. I dont want to miss out on that but I dont know what to do to keep my sanity and keep him interested at the same time. I know men. Out of sight = out of mind. If I dont talk to him for three months he'll undoubtably forget about me for now and some of these feelings might dissipate.

 

I suppose i have no choice. I'll be too busy the next couple months to talk too much anyway, will just have to hope the momentum we have built is not totally lost when I return. But I really, really do feel something for him that is not just a flippant passing dalliance emotion....that much I know about myself to acknowledge. This isn't something I can just forget about completely.

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I suppose i have no choice.

 

I HATE when people say this.

 

You DO have a choice. You have a choice to be happy and not feel this way. So, stop it.

 

If I were you, I'd dump him. He's entertaining you until you come over. Who knows, it might NOT work and you are on the hook for months while he gets his rocks off.

 

You are all over the idea of him. You don't even know what he is like!

 

You have a choice.

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Casually date people near you. It will give you more emotional freedom because if things don't go well locally, you know you will be leaving. It will be a distraction and give you back some of your power. Make sure that guy knows two can play this game.

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Ideas???
I can tell you what I would do if I were you. I must say I agree with anyone in here, telling you to back off.

 

1. I would show him my strong, resolute side. Smile, laugh, and play cool. After like ten minutes into the conversation (while being on the phone or voice/cam skyping), I'd tell him - with nonchalance - that: I really love talking to you, I enjoyed our talks a lot, but I prefer not to go on talking, because I'm getting attached already.

 

At that point, I'd expect him to do either or both of the following:

- ask if we can resume contact when I'm back

- talk me into changing my mind and go on talking

(besides obviously being bothered about losing his cute little toy)

 

2. About resuming contact, I'd simply say: not sure about that, my interest might well wear off by then, and not because of the distance.

I wouldn't add further information, he can fill in the dots on his own.

I might kill two birds with one stone: a) let him know he's losing me and b) that a different outcome might be in his power. So if he decides that stopping any contact is for the best, you'd know how worth you are in his eyes. I mean, it's true, you never met him. But there's potential, and he's throwing that away into the trashbin.

 

3. Should he ask to go on talking, he should offer something, otherwise it wouldn't be worth it for me. And smooth talking would not fall into the list of desirable offers.

 

4. How to skim off men online? Very simple. Besides the obvious (pervs, weirdos, suicidal ones, etc.), see if he sticks around. If at the smallest challenge, he gives up, then he's not worth your time. If you're as special as he claims you are, then it will show. But not with words, with actions.

If he goes with the saying: "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know", then you'll know there's no potential. And honestly, I wouldn't give him a chance once back. I need more than that. I want a man who can go out of his way for me. Why settle for less? And although I realize that now he wouldn't be in a position to go out of his way for me, still I can't deny I'd want him to be able to take care of himself for 3 months. I don't know. Maybe it's sheer utopianism, but if I'm starting to fantasize about him, then I wouldn't be able to have sex with another man. I'd need to be with him first.

 

So in short, I'd risk losing him. It's like a poker round. You risk it to get the higher stake. You can get lucky or not.

 

he laughed and said 'you're not my girlfriend, we haven't even met, you can do what you like. Let's see how it goes when we meet' and it attracted me to him even more
Funny. That'd be a real turn-off for me.

 

I can't date anyone seriously while Im here because A) I literally work ALL THE TIME
Sorry, but you understand that we can't buy that, after the huge amount you've been spending with him so far. A decent date would take you a couple of hours only.

 

I imagine that she doesnt know I exist and probably thinks he is quite into her and I feel bad for her
Yes, it's very likely she's waiting for when he asks her to be his girlfriend. Unless she already is.....

I'd be really turned off if I'm falling for someone and thinking he's using her for sex, I just hope they're like casual FWB. But I'd probably lose interest in this man.

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I feel scared that if I keep doing this I will inadvertantly push him away because I have no right to be moody with him when he's being honest with me about everything he does.

 

Wow. Do you know how pathetic that sounds? You're scared to make your thoughts and feelings known or make a wrong move, because you might "lose" a guy you've never met? Seriously. You don't see a problem with that sort of thinking?

 

He doesn't have to tell me he's dating anyone at all technically, I guess.

 

You guess? The guy is not your boyfriend. He's an online acquaintance whom you've fantasy-morphed into some sort of Super Prince Charming. Ding, ding, ding! "Danger Will Robinson! Irrational, unhealthy, obsessive disorder approaching from the right!" <shaking head>

 

i'm in a unique predicament because I feel that since I'll only be overseas 3 more months its futile to try to really date anyone , and i'm not really into the one night stand thing.

 

Unique? So everyone who goes abroad spends every waking moment trying to find Ms/Mr Right? My guess is, it's actually quite the opposite. So, no. Sorry. You are far from unique except when it comes to the unique shade of rose-colored glasses you're wearing.

 

So I feel a bit foolish being all celibate here while he's off hanging out with other girls, but at the same time I dont want to go out with other guys just to get back at him. Seems childish.

 

I'll say... This is at least the second time in this thread you've mentioned something similar along these lines. What are you trying to play? Some sort of game of tit-for-tat? As in, "I've got as many notches on my belt as you do... nah-nah-nah-nah-nah!"

 

So what if he's dating others and you're not? Does that make you somehow uncool, unattractive, or unworthy? Why do you feel such a need to compete or "level the playing field" even if it's not what you want or find practical to do?

 

Instead of being so obsessive about this so-called "relationship," you ought to be spending time figuring out what's going on in your head and your life that compels you to take refuge in la-la-land instead of reality.

 

From your posts it sounds as if you're desperately flailing around in an endless ocean trying to stay afloat and this guy suddenly appears on the horizon as giant lifesaver. Problem is, you're seeing things and projecting all over the place. In short, you need to get a new handle, "KismetGirl" -- the one you have currently is causing you harm.

 

I want to cut ties with him but im worried doing that will make him forget about me. I think that, once we meet, there is legitimate potential here when I return to where he is. I dont want to miss out on that but I dont know what to do to keep my sanity and keep him interested at the same time. I know men. Out of sight = out of mind. If I dont talk to him for three months he'll undoubtably forget about me for now and some of these feelings might dissipate.

 

Ever heard the phrase: "'If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with." Hint: Take up needlepoint and make yourself a pillow.

 

I suppose i have no choice. I'll be too busy the next couple months to talk too much anyway, will just have to hope the momentum we have built is not totally lost when I return. But I really, really do feel something for him that is not just a flippant passing dalliance emotion....that much I know about myself to acknowledge. This isn't something I can just forget about completely.

 

I'm sure that's true given how monumental you have made "Mr. Wonderful" in every way, shape and form. No one can live up to that much pedestal-elevation.

 

Maybe that's the way you need to look at it: The more you fantasize, obsess and project, the more you're stacking the deck against a relationship materializing with this guy once you're both back home.

 

If that's what you want to happen, keep behaving the way you have been. If not, get a grip and get on with your life. What will be, will be.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

Best,

TMichaels

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Casually date people near you. It will give you more emotional freedom because if things don't go well locally, you know you will be leaving. It will be a distraction and give you back some of your power. Make sure that guy knows two can play this game.

 

 

Fitchick,

 

So i ran into an old flame at the place im working right now who i havent seen in a few years. We hung out for drinks and we ended up sleeping together. I was ok with this because he wasn't someone new, i already know him from before and so it felt ok.

 

It was fun i suppose but im not emotionally invested in this guy or anything, it was just a sexually motivated evening.

 

I told my long distance guy about it, seeing as how he tells me about all the girls he hooks up with (there is a couple, not just one, though he said he tends to see one more than the others). He asked me a lot of questions, and was obviously jealous, but can't tell me anything obviously seeing as how he has been doing whatever he wants.

 

I cant be sure if i really felt that good making him jealous. It's not really in my personality to play such games.

 

I slept with the other guy because i wanted to, because i wanted sex, and that's it. I didn't do it to make anyone jealous. So im not totally holding back or anything, im not sitting here like saving myself for him or something, but i think maybe when i told him i was at the same time hoping his jealousy (i knew he'd be a bit jealous, it happens) would make me feel a bit better and it didnt, because i like him and dont want us to play games. He tells me about his dialliances because he thinks being honest with me will help us to establish more of a bond, but maybe it would be better if i didnt even know about them for the time being , i dont know.

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I'm not goin to respond directly to any particularly condescending remarks, though I appreciate anyone who made a sincere interest otherwise in a kind manner.

 

That said, I don't know why people are of the overhwelming opinion he is being a sleaze? Let's assume for a moment that he's pretty honest. I asked him the other day if these other girls think they are exclusive with him. He said they do not, that it is fairly casual. That the one he sees more often than the others has told him he can hook up with other girls but that she just doesn't want to know about it. This gives me the impression that none of them think they are his girlfriend at the moment. But who knows. Maybe he's lying about that.

 

To be honest he doesn't have to even tell me these girls exist, does he? He could easily avoid frustrating conversations and making me visibly upset but just pretending he's not and never bringing it up. Only recently did he say maybe he shouldnt tell me about it anymore because he sees it upsets me-- but he still didnt lie about anything.

 

Yes, I like him a lot. I find it odd that I like him so much seeing as how we've never met, but I find it hard to believe that no one here can fathom developing a fondness for someone with whom they speak for hours every day for over a month. At work we are texting all day, and despite the ridiculous time difference we are skyping every weekend (weekdays not as much because by the time im home from work he's sleeping because he's pretty much on the opposite side of the planet)

 

I just dont see how anyone can think im delusional because I like someone ive spent infinitely more time talking to than most people talk to for someone they know four weeks. The fact that we have no physical interaction has forced us to get to know each other and talk. I dont think this is a bad thing. He's done nothing "scummy" assuming he really has told these other girls they are not exclusive, as he has insisted, so he's not cheating on anyone and not deceiving anyone. Those other girls have apparently chosen to be in casual flings with him right now and hey , people do that. He's been very honest with me about what he does every day, who he is with.

 

I am very realistic about the fact that maybe he'll meet someone else before I get back, and yes, that upsets me, because I like him and would like a chance to see if something happens in person. I am realistic that maybe it wont work in person, but hell, even when you date someone in person for a year it doesnt always work out. If I had "rose colored" glasses on I'd not be as cynical or skeptical as I am about anything ever working out. But i remain hopeful that eventually something will. So please, for the love of god, whomever wants to give me psychological assessments they got from their Google PhD, keep it to yourself. I suppose I'm directing that last statement about TMichaels , or whatever his name is above, who obviously thinks he is giving me some kind of tough love advice and in truth all i felt was him attacking me and speaking to me as if I'm some kind of idiot, which is duly unnecessary and he literally missed the point of half of what i said.

 

My concern when I posted here was to garner some kind of support and advice regarding how to best deal with these feelings of jealousy I am having, because I feel that truthfully I should not be having them. Because he is single, and he is allowed to do whatever he wants. I find it odd that on one end people are saying "you dont even know him , you never met, how can you like each other that much", and then on the other spectrum saying "god i cant believe he cant just keep it in his pants". These are conflicting-- either we CAN like each other so much and know its worth a risk that we're both waiting for each other, or we accept that its all a gamble and there's no point in waiting for one another and do what we want, in which case its perfectly reasonable that he is not sitting around with a chastity belt on.

 

The advice for me to stop talking to him is valid, that much I acknowledge. I just dont think I can , or want to, or am ready to stop talking to him because I think that cutting off all contact would sort of lose all momentum we've instilled and then i feel like i'd be missing out on something potentially great once im there. I think that we are both allowed to do whatever we want while we are apart, and that then we can meet when i am back and take it from there. Just in the meantime im trying to figure out how to deal with the jealous thoughts of him occasionally being with other people. So i told him the other night maybe he shouldnt tell me about them anymore, for now, and we can resume the full honestly closer to when i am arriving so i have a view of what the situation is. I dont want to play games. If i want to hook up with someone while Im here, I will. If he asks me, Ill be honest with him about it but i wont rub it in his face. There is something to be said for the ability to have 6 hour long conversations with someone and talking to them every day for a month without getting bored-- that's not chance, luck, or a misconception. There is a legitimate connection with this person. Whether that will carry over into a relationship, i do not know, but I do know enough from experience to know I need to not totally ignore that possibility.

 

I dont know just needed to comment on that.

 

I appreciate the advice of everyone so far who was able to give me their opinions without being condescending or unkind, I truly do. It helps to garner perspectives from different sides.

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"...that he likes me more , is the take away message. I didnt hear that. Obviously the only part I heard was the first part-- that he has a girl there that he likes. It made me moody for the rest of the conversation. I feel scared that if I keep doing this I will inadvertantly push him away because I have no right to be moody with him when he's being honest with me about everything he does. He doesn't have to tell me he's dating anyone at all technically, I guess."

 

It seems he is covering his bases, he cannot say he didn't tell you about other people, if things were to go south. Honestly, you need to take space. If this person cares for you as much as they say and are so greatly invested in meeting with you, he would feel badly for sleeping with people and would actually eventually stop. He has not yet done so yet, so you are in no way number one and the other woman number 2. It may hurt to think this way but there is really no other way to see it at this point.

 

"I want to cut ties with him but i'm worried doing that will make him forget about me. I think that, once we meet, there is legitimate potential here when I return to where he is. I dont want to miss out on that but I dont know what to do to keep my sanity and keep him interested at the same time. I know men. Out of sight = out of mind. If I dont talk to him for three months he'll undoubtably forget about me for now and some of these feelings might dissipate. "

 

The thing is, you should not be the only one trying to make things work like that. If you meant as much to him as you think or he has been saying then there is no way that he should forget you.

If you are even slightly worried about that then it means that you know inside you do not mean as much to him as you would like to believe. If he forgets you in 3 months, there is no way you meant a lot to him. He wants to meet and I understand your predicament about not having met and so on, but if you see so much potential, he should see it too. He should see it enough to stop the sleeping around, - he should know how much that hurts you and should not want to keep hurting someone he cares about and also you shouldn't be the only one pushing for it to work. No matter how outrageous your situation, he should feel the same. You are currently taking all of his crap and he is receiving none- he has his cake and is eating it daily.

 

Take a step back!

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I understand you do not like condescending comments and you know more about your situation than anyone else here. But you have also put your situation out there to be analysed and to seek opinions. I wish you the best and hopes this works out for you given how much you care for him. I understand what its like to feel like that - trust me i've been in 2 LDR's and am now currently in my third.

 

What I do think you should do, is look past your hurt feelings from those comments and really look at what they are trying to say. The fact that so many people have analysed your situation an told you to step back or to re-think how you see this guy also has to count for something. Your last post seemed extremely defensive and you have spent a lot of it proving that they guy is not a sleezebag- rightly so you do not want to hear anything negative about the guy you like or the situation you are in but you do need to still take some of what everyone has been saying.

 

Your best interest - whether you see it as condescending or not- is still at the heart of those comments, and I think there is something to be learnt from those observations. People have a cynical and sarcastic way of talking but that does not lessen the weight of their contributions. You need to consider what was said and even entertain the possibility that this guy may not be all that you have made him out to be. Just as you acknowledge that you never having met him is grounds for him to do what he wants, so too must you look at it as grounds for him not being who you think he is.

 

Also you have to look at the fact that he is ok with sleeping with someone and then whispering lovey dovey things to you right after. Do you want a solid future with someone, honest about it or not, who does that to someone? I know you say you feel for the other person, but what does that make him? How does he feel about the other person, clearly not enough to understand that sex invokes feelings and that he will have to break someone's heart if you do come back and he wants it to work for you too. That sheds light on his personality- would you like to be the one he is sleeping with and will break your heart? I know not and I know you've explained being that person before too- so I think you need to look at that deeper as well.

 

I genuinely hope it works and you seem to do a lot of analysis of your situation on your own- much to the extent where its almost like you want everyone here to accept your side rather then give their opinions.

 

In terms of your jealousy, if you like him that much then it will indeed hurt. In order to not feel that you need to either step back so you won't know its happening and hope you two rekindle things in person. Right now you don't seem to be able to do anything about his choices to sleep with people, so for you and only you , take a step back for your health. You do not like tit for tat, good for you, so take a step back. Let it go- if its worth it you'll find it right at your door step...for sure!

 

All the best!

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I understand you do not like condescending comments and you know more about your situation than anyone else here. But you have also put your situation out there to be analysed and to seek opinions. I wish you the best and hopes this works out for you given how much you care for him. I understand what its like to feel like that - trust me i've been in 2 LDR's and am now currently in my third.

 

What I do think you should do, is look past your hurt feelings from those comments and really look at what they are trying to say. The fact that so many people have analysed your situation an told you to step back or to re-think how you see this guy also has to count for something. Your last post seemed extremely defensive and you have spent a lot of it proving that they guy is not a sleezebag- rightly so you do not want to hear anything negative about the guy you like or the situation you are in but you do need to still take some of what everyone has been saying.

 

Your best interest - whether you see it as condescending or not- is still at the heart of those comments, and I think there is something to be learnt from those observations. People have a cynical and sarcastic way of talking but that does not lessen the weight of their contributions. You need to consider what was said and even entertain the possibility that this guy may not be all that you have made him out to be. Just as you acknowledge that you never having met him is grounds for him to do what he wants, so too must you look at it as grounds for him not being who you think he is.

 

Also you have to look at the fact that he is ok with sleeping with someone and then whispering lovey dovey things to you right after. Do you want a solid future with someone, honest about it or not, who does that to someone? I know you say you feel for the other person, but what does that make him? How does he feel about the other person, clearly not enough to understand that sex invokes feelings and that he will have to break someone's heart if you do come back and he wants it to work for you too. That sheds light on his personality- would you like to be the one he is sleeping with and will break your heart? I know not and I know you've explained being that person before too- so I think you need to look at that deeper as well.

 

I genuinely hope it works and you seem to do a lot of analysis of your situation on your own- much to the extent where its almost like you want everyone here to accept your side rather then give their opinions.

 

In terms of your jealousy, if you like him that much then it will indeed hurt. In order to not feel that you need to either step back so you won't know its happening and hope you two rekindle things in person. Right now you don't seem to be able to do anything about his choices to sleep with people, so for you and only you , take a step back for your health. You do not like tit for tat, good for you, so take a step back. Let it go- if its worth it you'll find it right at your door step...for sure!

 

All the best!

 

Just wanted to say thank you-- youre last couple comments were very insightful and helpful in way that shows you'er trying to be understanding about it. And I appreciate that a lot. I drove around today trying to tell myself to focus just on today and that if its meant to be, it's meant to be and he'll be there. I'm just worried about cutting off all contact completely. I dont know. I suppose I'll try to just step back and bit and maybe at least not talk to him as often for now.

 

Today, I think he is with someone. It's a very rare day when I don't hear from him, and generally when that happens, it's because he's with someone. I'm sitting here telling myself to just do my work, not think about it.

 

In that romantic sense I tell myself, yes, if he really likes me can't he hold out? But then again I suppose not everyone can do that for someone they've never met no matter how much they like them. I will admit he spends an inordinate amount of time speaking to me outside of his work hours so I know he isn't seein other people a whole lot-- i suppose it's about once, maybe twice a week he's with someone else. Mostly once that I can tell. I dont like to think about it but I guess at this point there's nothing I can do but try to focus on my work while I'm here and my friends, and hope that things work out as they are supposed to when I return there.

 

I've been in LDR's before but normally I had met those people at least once, or in one other case where I hadn't, they definitely did not tell me they were sleeping with other people. I think his blatant honesty in that regard is what has made this situation difficult for me. I think i might have preferred him withholding that information and/or lying to me about it. But it is what it is.

 

Thanks for the advice everyone....

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Live your life and he lives his. When you move back, go out on a date and go from there. If the connection is strong and you two have that 'something' then it'll be there waiting when you return.

 

Don't ask, don't tell might work. Each of you are gonna hurt a bit by knowing what the other one is up to...

 

Keep in touch as good and caring friends.

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Live your life and he lives his. When you move back, go out on a date and go from there. If the connection is strong and you two have that 'something' then it'll be there waiting when you return.

I was going to post that adage about "If you love someone, let him go. If he's meant to be with you he will come back" or something like that. FATE!

 

It will enable you to clear your head and see him more objectively later on.

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Live your life and he lives his. When you move back, go out on a date and go from there. If the connection is strong and you two have that 'something' then it'll be there waiting when you return.

 

Don't ask, don't tell might work. Each of you are gonna hurt a bit by knowing what the other one is up to...

 

Keep in touch as good and caring friends.

 

WWIU,

 

nice to see you again :)

 

youre probably right-- dont ask dont tell will be better. I tried to deal with knowing he's with people and it makes me supinely jealous, and frankly he doesnt deal with hearing about my dalliances any better, so we're probably better off not knowing. He does spend an awful lot of time talking to me, so i dont think he spends an exorbitant amount of time with these other girls. He went out tonight and sent me messages all night telling me he wished i was there (it sounded pretty obvious he was sneaking off to the bathroom just to tell me-- you could hear that echo when someone is in a restroom, with the sounds of party and people talking inaudible in the background etc). I suppose he does think about me. He's not in it for ulterior motives, he's obviously not getting laid by me right now....he said the other day that's what meant to be will be. That if i fell for someone else then obviously he wasnt my one. Im not sure i totally agree with fate despite my name on here-- in some ways i think making no effort does not equate with 'fate'. sometimes fate requires you make some discernible effort or something. If he told me 'i won't sleep with anyone if you wont' then i might wait it out. No, i know i could. But maybe Im a romantic. Or maybe Im just stupid (latter more likely).

 

2.5-3 months left till i can see him. im hoping we can keep up the level of communication we've been having until then. I feel like this could be something good-- I haven't had this level of compatibility, at least on a verbal level, in a long time.

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