Dealing with jealousy in a strange situation

[KismetGirl]

I was going to post that adage about "If you love someone, let him go. If he's meant to be with you he will come back" or something like that. FATE!

 

It will enable you to clear your head and see him more objectively later on.

 

I dont want to agree but I do.

 

I guess i like the idea of fate because inwardly im a control freak who hates the idea of leaving things to "chance". It's why I chose a job intent on intense scrutiny and attention to detail where i put enormous responsibility for life on my plate, maybe. Or why i am always that kid in school who would be in a group project and end up doing the whole thing myself-- just couldnt trust others to do as good of a job.

 

I tend to want to control my love life and yet thats the one area i never can so maybe thats why it drives me batty and i end up frustrated in these seemingly ridiculous situations. The inanity of it all.

 

I hope fate goes my way this once. I've never met him and I feel like I could fall in love, which is completely ridiculous because the very notion of feeling this strongly about someone i've not met goes against every logical fiber in my overly otherwise logical being....but i guess this is the part of my life where that logic has a tendency to go out the window. The logical hopeless romantic, an oxymoron of epic proportions.

 

Guess we'll see in a couple months what fate's got in store for me and this one.

[KismetGirl]

I dont knwo why Im posting but am having a sad moment again i suppose. Two more months until I am back in the same city as this guy. Maybe 8-10 weeks, at the most. So far yet so close. Don't know what to do with myself. I tried to distance myself for a couple days and I crumbled and couldnt resist his morning texts and messages and hearts and crap. He truly never goes more than 24 hours without sending me something, and normally much less than that.

 

But it's this other girl its driving me batty. I know he started a new job so he's been working long hours on weekdays and so most days im not worried much. But weekends are another story. Tonight he said he was going "to a friends house" and i think he has learned over the last couple months that being completely honest about his endeavors upsets me. So I can only assume by "im going to a friends house tonight so ill talk to you in the morning" means he's going to this girl's house he's been seeing 3-4 weeks.

 

Again....keeps insisting its not totally serious. That he likes her but not enough to stop talking to me, that he's excited to meet me, that he's never spent this much time talking to a girl he hasn't slept with , etc etc.

 

I want to believe him but I am so effing terrified that he will meet me in person and he disappointed somehow. After my last couple relationships my self-esteem took a bit of a hit I must admit. I can with some objectivity state I am an attractive person overall, but I compare myself ad nauseum to this girl (a picture of her accidentally surfaced on facebook because apparently she has met his sister who tagged her in a photo of all of them together....another sore spot for me as I said to him surely if you introduced her to your sister she is now your girlfriend and not just some girl you're hooking up with, and he downplayed it and said that its a cultural norm where he is for family to meet girls youve only dated a couple weeks and its not like he took her to his mother's house or something it was just a daytime outing with his sister's family). I focus on how I feel she's younger than me, much thinner than me, etc etc. I try not to think about it and stay busy most of the time, which I am truly really busy, but moments like right now when i have a little downtime and he hasnt messagd me all night because he is "at a friend's house" make me sick because i know he's spending the night at her place. If he was just out with friends i guarantee you i'd be getting messages all night like i usually do.

 

Im so tempted to play games. To ignore him for a few days, a week. Let him think Im seeing other people (sadly while i do once in a blue moon go on a pseudo date , mostly im working too much right now to do much more than work and occasionally see my actual friends....and whats the point of dating when im leaving again so soon anyway).

 

He told me the other day Im being "overly sensitive" lately. And I am. i dont want to push him away or scare him by being an over-attached nutter. He doesnt owe me fidelity when he's never met me. He tells me constantly he can't wait to meet me, that he has a good feeling about this, but obviously he has doubts or else he wouldnt date other people "just in case". My extreme insecurity about my looks and the fact that he's been seeing this other girl as well are really draining me. It's making me act more erratic and anxious than i normally would if i were to just meet a guy i like and things are going well in person. The uncertainty of the LDR element combined with him actively seeing other people is making me ridiculously insecure that after four months of intensely talking to him nearly every day that he might just say "nah, ill stick with the one i have now".

 

Im not sure anyone can offer advice but ugh i needed to vent. If you want to commiserate feel free....

[justwhoiam]

I'm quite speechless. I understand how you can feel, putting myself in your shoes.

 

The only relief is he's no one to you. He's not your boyfriend. You've never met him. He didn't take a break from dating for you. I guess he's the kind who can date multiple girls at the same time, before deciding who he thinks is best for him. My only "concern" is that yes, someone can do that, it's when you're not exclusive, but the people involved should be aware of that. You are. But the other girl? No, I guess she's not. How do I sense that? Because - correct me if I'm wrong - she doesn't know you're his friend and about to meet him?

If that girl doesn't even know you exist, chances are she'd drop him the minute after she knows that. Is what he's doing fair? No. It's fine for them to date, but casually, and not exclusively, if you're in the picture. And now you are. He's being open to a possible relationship with you. So that's why you feel something's wrong.

 

I encourage you to read my previous post again.

[justwhoiam]

Regarding comparing yourself to other women... I know where you're coming from.

 

Something I learned is, well, look can be important, but what really counts is how he will feel around you. If he feels attracted, if there's chemistry, if he feels good and better than with anyone else, that will make the difference. The positive memory is hard to let go. So I guess it's all about how he will feel. Hence work on being confident about yourself. Be and look radiant, he might be hooked.

[KismetGirl]

I'm quite speechless. I understand how you can feel, putting myself in your shoes.

 

The only relief is he's no one to you. He's not your boyfriend. You've never met him. He didn't take a break from dating for you. I guess he's the kind who can date multiple girls at the same time, before deciding who he thinks is best for him. My only "concern" is that yes, someone can do that, it's when you're not exclusive, but the people involved should be aware of that. You are. But the other girl? No, I guess she's not. How do I sense that? Because - correct me if I'm wrong - she doesn't know you're his friend and about to meet him?

If that girl doesn't even know you exist, chances are she'd drop him the minute after she knows that. Is what he's doing fair? No. It's fine for them to date, but casually, and not exclusively, if you're in the picture. And now you are. He's being open to a possible relationship with you. So that's why you feel something's wrong.

 

I encourage you to read my previous post again.

 

Yes, ive considered that. I actually asked him "does she know about me, or does she think she is your girlfriend", and he was mildly uncomfortable with the question. He said she told him if he hooks up with anyone else she doesnt want to know about it supposedly, imparting some assumption that they are dating but not "boyfriend-girlfriend" specifically yet. I dont know. He asked me if i would prefer she knows about me , should he tell her that he met this amazing girl who isnt here yet but who he is planning on meeting. I said well dont say it like that, but yes maybe she should know i exist and not be on the assumption you are in an exclusive thing here. I mean for chrissake, he's always babbling about me moving in with him at some point and offering to let me stay with him while i look for a new apartment (im not crazy enough to accept that FYI, i told him there's no way id stay with him off the bad without getting to meet him first and get to know him in person because thats way too much pressure for a new relationship)

 

But i digress-- i do not believe she knows i exist. He offered to tell her, but i think it was a weak offer, hoping i'd say no dont tell her. I dont think he has told her. I am tempted to bring it up again but i dont want to start an argument either, and im wondering if i should just let it go until i get there. If he likes me he'll break it off with her, and if he doesnt he'll keep dating her, i guess. I dont know. But the thinking about them together thing is driving me a little insane lately. Not sure i can deal with 10 more weeks of wondering about if every time he doesnt talk to me for one evening he's at her place. Ive never been in such a situation before, i really dont know how to handle it.