Mother too nosy about my ADULT LIFE !!!

[UtsavRoy1992]

I am from Indian middle-class family. I am having a very serious problem with my parents (especially my mother).

Now, I am a 22-year old adult. I have recently completed by degree college in 2014. I am still looking for a

suitable job (i haven't yet got any, as you know in India the condition of job market is terrible, and its very difficult to

get a job quickly... even if you have a very high qualification... frankly speaking, in India people hardly care about

qualifications... only thing that matters is ceaseless competition.. and money). Anyway, THAT'S NOT THE ISSUE HERE.

I still live with my parents because I don't have money yet to move out and live by myself.

 

My parents love me very much, and I love them too. All the time from my childhood, they looked after me, and cared

for me which I appreciate more than anything else except the irritating attitude of my mother now - NOSINESS.

Yesss, I mean it !!! She is too damn nosy... and crosses her boundaries of nosiness. The point I'm trying to elucidate

here is that SHE STILL TREATS ME LIKE A CHILD. For God's sake I'm 22 yrs old..... an FULLY GROWN-UP ADULT.

Yes.. I admit that during my school life.. i was a bit shy and frequently wanted help and from my parents in

whatever I had to do. But now i am adult, and I learned how to behave like a grown-up. I can do things on my

own. They doesn't understand it.

 

There are so many instances for this. She ruins my social life. She expects me to behave like an adult and yet

treats me like a 5 or 6-year old child. I cannot have some privacy of my own. When I decide to go out with my friends

I have to ask for permission.. why????? I am no more a child and WHAT'S MORE IRRITATING IS THAT SHE START

ASKING QUESTIONS LIKE these..

 

"Which friends are you going out with ?"

"Where are you going ? You are not allowed to go too far from home."

and the most disgusting thing everr !! ------> "Give me the names and phone numbers of the friends you are going out

with.. so that i can know where you are.. and can keep track of you. "

All right, friends' names are fine.. but

their phone numbers ??? seriously ?????? GODD !!!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER ??

Why does she need to keep track of me???? Am I a criminal?? or a childddd??

WAIT !!! there are more... I generally keep my phone in the silent vibration mode with ringtone volume muted because

i don't want my parents to receive my calls (it feels weird). But just this once I forgot put it to silent mode, and when

my parents were present, one friend called me(not a girl.... I don't have a girlfriend .. YET), the phone rang in front of

them.. I talked with him.. it was about something secret .. something about relationship problems of another

friend with his girlfriend WHICH I WAS FEELING WEIRD TO TALK ABOUT AS MY PARENTS WERE THERE.. So I moved

to our empty corridor.. to talk safely and completed the call. After I returned to the room, my mom asked me,

"Who was it ?" - I told her the name.. it was not a problem.

"What was your friend saying ?" - the most embarassing moment... I told her that IT'S NOTHING IMPORTANT.

Still, she kept repeating the same question over and over again... there was no option other than lying.. I instantly

made some stuff up in my mind about studies.. and I told her. Now she stopped.

Then, came yet another embarassing question...

"WHY DID YOU GO TO THE CORRIDOR WITH YOUR PHONE ? WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST TALK TO YOUR FRIEND IN

FRONT OF US ?" - WHAT !!! GOD only knows how I controlled my anger eating me up inside me.......

I LIED AGAIN.... "IT WAS A VERY BAD LINE.. THERE WAS A PROBLEM WITH MY PHONE NETWORK... so I went outside"

Again... she asked.. "BUT HOW IS IT POSSIBLE ? MY PHONE NEVER HAS SUCH PROBLEMS."

Oh God !!! Somehow.. I managed to escape from those irritating chain of questions.

 

EVEN when i sometimes manage to go out with my friends after prolonged verbal struggles and screams

with my parents. My mother tells me TO CALL HER AT REGULAR INTERVALS OF TIME while I am outside... doesn't

matter if I am with my friends (specifically when I am alone)... WHYYYY???? AM I A GPS DEVICE??

and when I don't call her, she acts like THE COPS SHOULD BE CALLED .. SHE CALLS MY FATHER AND THEN MY FATHER RAISES HELL... she FREAKS OUT AND RAISES

HELL IN THE HOME... and If I return home late (even half an

hour late).... SHE GOES NUTS..... "WHY ARE YOU LATE ?? I WAS WORRIED... AND BLAH BLAH BLAH....."

 

ANOTHER MOST ANNOYING STUFF ... few weeks ago I got a job offer (although the job was not suitable for me, still

I decided to do the job until I get a perfect job.. I resigned after working for I week)... So ... I was talking about this job to my parents....my mother

said...

"YOU ARE INEXPERIENCED IN THE OUTSIDE WORLD. BE CAREFUL."- she says this everytime.. but it does not bother

me that much.... THE NEXT STATEMENT THAT SHE MADE NEXT... JUST RAISED A HOT VOLCANO INSIDE ME... I COULD

NOT TOLERATE THIS **** ANYMORE.... So, I yelled at her, screamed at her, shouted and told her to stop this

nonsense from that day (although she never stops !!)........ what she said is this.......

 

"you have never done a job before... your father is very much experienced in this field

AND ON the first day of job.. you wil get an offer letter.. and you may also need to sign an AGREEMENT or CONTRACT.

So, AS THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME DEALING WITH JOB CONTRACTS.. YOU MUST LET YOUR FATHER GO WITH YOU

ON THE FIRST DAY TO WORK.. SO THAT HE CAN HELP YOU TO UNDERSTAND THE CONTRACT BETTER....."

 

It just left my mouth wide open.... WHAT THE HELL DID SHE JUST SAYYYY ???? -- Take father to work ??? so that he

can explain the job contract to me????............ Was she serious??? or Was she joking ????....... I could

not bear this but straightway asked her... "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU ??? ARE YOU MENTALLY SICK OR

WHAT ? WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING LIKE AN IDIOT AND ILLITERATE PERSON ?..." At that moment.. I screamed

out of my lungsssss...... I could not get it ... WHERE DID THAT STATEMENT COME FROM ??? I was worried... Is she

all right???...... because THAT WAS THE MOST IDIOTIC AND STUPIDEST AND THE DUMBEST STATEMENT EVER

MADE IN THIS WORLD.... Believe me... you will never hear such stupid statements from anyone else.....

That statement made me doubt whether my age is really 22 years old......

 

I am a 22 years old adult... I got a job... and my mother tells me to take my father on my

first day to work SO THAT HE CAN HELP ME WITH THE JOB OFFER CONTRACT.....

EXCUSE ME !!!!!! WHAT THE F**K KIND OF BULL**** IS THAT ?????

AM I REALLY ON PLANET EARTH ?? IS THIS REAL OR IS THIS A DREAM????

WAS THAT REALLY MY MOTHER WHO SAID THAT ???

I WAS SO MUCH WORRIED FROM AFTER THAT DAY.

 

Another issue.... She does not give me privacy........ Everytime I work on my laptop or PC in my room..... she starts

stalking..... YES I MEAN IT..... SHE DOESN'T EVEN COME IN FRONT OF ME TO SAY IT DIRECTLY...... everytime she

wants me to study... but for relaxation I sometimes listen to songs on my laptop or watch movies.... she stalks from

behind the door and watches everything.... when I notice.. I scream at her.... and say..." Why are you stalking

like a thief ?" or sometimes...."When will you stop acting like a friggin' detective ?" She never stops.

 

I am totally exhausted. I cannot deal with this anymore. I still have no money yet for moving out and living

somewhere else. Please... I WANT SOME ADVICE... PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME ... HOW TO MAKE HER

UNDERSTAND THAT I AM AN ADULT NOW..... I HAVE EVEN TOLD THEM TOO MANY TIMES QUIETLY.. BUT SHE

JUST IGNORE IT AND LAUGHS IT OFF... EVEN MY FATHER SOMETIMES BEHAVE LIKE THIS.. BUT MOTHER DOES

THIS MUCH MORE.. IT ANNOYS ME VERY MUCH... It does not mean that don't love her now... I just cannot tolerate

this nonsense anymore...... ENOUGH !!!!

 

SO I want some advice here... how to deal with this ???

Edited September 28, 2014 by UtsavRoy1992

[CarrieT]

SO I want some advice here... how to deal with this ???

Suck it up until you can afford to live on your own.

 

As long as you live under her nose, you will always be her little boy. She won't see you as an adult until you start living like one; on your own and supporting yourself.

 

Instead of yelling at her - which, by the way, is what a child would do - treat her like you want to be treated. Sit down and explain, "Mom, I appreciate you want the best for me, but coddling me will not help and only hurts me." Do so politely, quietly, and with an adult voice, not a child's.

[ja123]

Suck it up until you can afford to live on your own.

 

As long as you live under her nose, you will always be her little boy. She won't see you as an adult until you start living like one; on your own and supporting yourself.

 

Instead of yelling at her - which, by the way, is what a child would do - treat her like you want to be treated. Sit down and explain, "Mom, I appreciate you want the best for me, but coddling me will not help and only hurts me." Do so politely, quietly, and with an adult voice, not a child's.

 

 

 

Op, this is very good advice.

[Eivuwan]

I understand where you are coming from. Every move I make, my mom would make some kind of comment. Yesterday, I open my bookbag to take something out and she immediately went "why are you bringing your backpack to the dinner?" It's really irritating. As long as you live with them, I suggest that you just block them out as much as you can and try not to let it get to you. I mean, what are they going to do if you don't follow their rules? Are they going to kick you out or are they all bark and no bite? In my case, my mom just nags, but actually can't control anything so I just go mhmm, uhum, to ignore her lol.

[Eivuwan]

I agree with the others that you shouldn't yell back. I won't call you a child though because having been in a similar situation and being harassed constantly, it's incredibly hard NOT to yell back. But you still have to resist. Every time you answer their question or yell or whatever, you are just reinforcing their habits. The only way to resist is to respond as little as possible or not respond. They might escalate things in the short run because they're not used to you ignoring them, but in the long run, they should calm down a good amount. Can you put a lock on your door?

[Eivuwan]

Suck it up until you can afford to live on your own.

 

As long as you live under her nose, you will always be her little boy. She won't see you as an adult until you start living like one; on your own and supporting yourself.

 

Instead of yelling at her - which, by the way, is what a child would do - treat her like you want to be treated. Sit down and explain, "Mom, I appreciate you want the best for me, but coddling me will not help and only hurts me." Do so politely, quietly, and with an adult voice, not a child's.

 

I agree with the yelling part, but honestly, anxious helicopter parents like that are incredibly hard to change. They cannot control their own impulses even if they understand they're not helping. My mom knows how much her behavior annoys me and she knows it has the opposite effect, but her anxiety and impulsivity makes it very hard for her to stop. It's really up to me to just let it go and block it out when she does those things.

[Radu]

OP, this is a mostly western forum, so i guess a question has to be asked ... in the context of your country and culture, are they over the top or is it normal ?

 

Do you have any other siblings ?

What are their ages and gender ?

How do they treat them ?