Frustrated--lack of intimacy, real conversation, etc

[helogal]

So let me start out with, my guy and I have been together about two years and some change. I'm 25 and he is 29. We have a 9 month old son--lucky enough to have a happy little bubba, rarely cries, is always content. Dad loves baby boy more than anything--doesn't seemed too stressed out by this parenting gig.

 

We have the same job in the military. It's very physically and mentally demanding (working on helicopters) and no, we do not work directly together. Same rank, pay, etc. That being relevant as we can completely understand the specific stressors that come with one another's job (its a blessing and curse) and as far as the pay/rank goes, we're on the same playing field--so there should be no resentment as to whose the actual breadwinner.

 

Both sets of "in laws" adore the other partner. We have loads of support from each side. We are both stationed on the other side of the country from our families, I would prefer to be a little closer for our son's sake. I want him to grow up close to his grandparents. Would also give us a little more mommy-daddy time. I picked my newest set of orders to stay where we are currently at--because my guy wants to stay here a little longer. He knows I don't really like it here (Not a big fan of Southern California--the people are fairly self absorbed and aloof where I live--out of touch with reality) but also have the attitude that "home is where the heart is". I'd like to say that hasn't caused any resentment on my end, however now I'm beginning to become a bit frustrated.

 

Before getting together was even thought about he had an "active social life" is how I"ll put it. Heck, I even acted as his wing woman from time to time. We started as friends for about a year until our growing attraction was inevitable. He's always been there for me during my toughest times.

 

Now the intimacy has gone out the window, it's like pulling teeth just to get him to have sex. He's never been overly touchy feely--and that fine, but its ridiculous that I'm the only one initiating sexual relations or even simple hugs/kisses. We spend most of our time together (I highly doubt he's cheating), we're both homebodies. We definitely give each other space as well though.

 

We have awesome teamwork, during the week we even have "shifts" for if baby boy wakes up. I get little man ready in the morning, pack our lunches, he takes him to day care as I have to be to work a little earlier. I do the dishes most of the time, he cooks (is a bit better at it) though we take turns with that as well. He gets weekly massages (we have a massage table)and I make sure that he gets enough downtime for video games, etc.

 

I'm starting to feel that I'm being taken for granted. I love "pampering" him but am getting tired of the lack of intimacy and physical touch. He very rarely throws any compliments my way (not that big of a deal until you mix that in with the other issues). I've tried talking to him about this but he usually just gets frustrated and closes me out.

 

Now I've been dealing with health issues as well, he's very mindful of this for the most part. He's cut out certain foods from the household knowing these can affect me--without me ever bringing it up.

 

I'm feeling myself shut him out now, I've tried talking--I don't really know what else to do. The bulk of our actual conversations on his end mostly include sarcasm or jokes, and I don't always know how to take that at this point. It's really hard to get a direct answer for something as simple as "what would you like for dinner?".

 

This has been going on for about 4 months now. He will show intimacy occasionally--but with the rarity its always when I'm starting to shut down. Starting to think this is fairly manipulative behavior.

 

Starting to feel like he's acting more like a roommate than partner.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Do you feel like the same person as you did before the pregnancy???

 

Women tend to get a wee more emotional after having their baby. Sometimes such change goes unlooked as many things a woman thinks about is not about themselves.

 

 

Such emotional strain can make a man pull away. Also some men will change depnding on dynamics of the new child in the house.

 

 

Extra stress, with being a new father and what not.

 

 

 

 

Getting out and doing something special to allow effection without feeling there is the needs of the baby at every turn. Hopefully parents or aunts are available for time with baby for a few days.

[helogal]

I've gained a lot of my normal self back by now, that being said, still a little "off". We discussed based on that a bit earlier after you replied to my post. I'm still slightly more emotional than I used to be, but granted--I've suffered some loss in the past month or so as well. For now I'm going to try to blow off some more of my frustrations at the gym (I'm pretty much back to my original size, so at least I'm not having to worry about rather he finds me attractive due to excess baby weight) and he's going to try to spend more time "stress" baking and cooking. He's been very worried about my health, and he is the "go to" guy at work which has been stressing him out more than usual. It's hard enough finding a work/life balance when one spouse is in the military--it's a whole new ball game with both. We occasionally both have to play the single parent role when one has to go away for a bit.

 

I still don't feel like we covered everything, but hopefully that'll be taken care of in time.

[d0nnivain]

As an active duty military person you do have access to on base counseling. Avail yourself of this.

[caplion]

You sound like a great person and really working on this in a legitimate way - and not that he's bad - but if I could shake him and tell him to wake up and get it in gear I would. But of course, I can't. So it's really hard to see what's going on in his head. It does sound like you are doing everything right - but I know that doesn't solve the problem. Keep doing what your doing...

[Adele0908]

For relationships to be passionate one person has to carry the masculine energy while the other person has to carry the feminine energy. The opposite energies keep the attraction going. It seems like you have a lot of responsibilities in life and you work in a masculine field, so you might be more in your masculine side.

 

In fact, the way that you both handle stress, with you going to the gym to blow off steam, and him turning to baking and cooking....makes it look like you are in the "man" role, and he is in the "woman" role. You love "pampering" him, so that means you are in the masculine "giver" role. So now as the "man" you're the one initiating physical intimacy.

 

But since you're a woman you might feel uncomfortable with this role, which is totally justified.

 

So the task here is to decide who is going to carry the masculine energy and who is going to carry the feminine energy in the marriage.