Male professor/Female student : could we be friends ?

[MissPotato]

Hello everyone,

 

First of all, I apologize for my english and I hope my spelling is not terrible (im not a native english speaker).

 

I'm a graduate student and i recently had a training course of 2

months with a professor in my college. This man is 45, and I like his way of being with people, he's nice and interesting.

 

Actually, I always felt affection for my teachers and wanted them to appreciate me, by being a sympathetic good student. A psychoanalyst would explain this by my father's absence and it wouldn't offend me since thanks to that I always had good grades:p. So I would like to keep in touch with him and do things friends usually do. The problem is I don't know how to do, I don't want him to believe I love him. Another problem is that I'm afraid he likes me.

 

Since the first day he knows I have a boyfriend who is also a professor in college (I had to told him for some reason). However I noticed he sometimes acted like a man in front of a woman he finds sexy (people say I'm pretty) like being nervous, fidgeting, rubbing hair and chins and so on. I didn't really pay attention, I was very concentrated on my work. But one time at the end of the 2nd week he pulled my leg by saying I was stupid, and I started to cry. it was awfully embarrassing but I couldn't stop (I really wanted him to think I'm smart!). I apologized for this and he suggested to go home which I did. Then things changed.

 

He became "overly nice" by asking me if i was ok like : "aren't you cold?" "Do you want me to buy you something to eat?" (which he did) "don't stay to late at the office", "are you sure you're ok, you look ill".He smiled to me, often looked at me, sometimes winked to me and a lot of other things that make you feel there is "something in the air" without you can explain why. For example one time he blushed while he was closed to me explaining something and moved back saying " I don't need to be so close", and the last day it was a bit strange when he said "you were forgetting to say me goodbye:(", "shall we give each other a kiss?".

 

Other times he was aloof : i asked him some questions about his career and his holidays but he didn't talk a lot. He also quit his office after 1 month, letting me alone in his and he settled down in the office of a colleague (they are not working on the same project).

 

The situation sometimes was a bit embarrassing for me but I kept thinking "don't overreact, it's in your head, just do what you want". So I continued to be nice with him and acted normal. A week after the end wrote him an email to say thanks and he answered me back with lot of compliments about my work.

 

I have to meet him in one week. I don't know how to act.

 

Thanks for the brave ones who entirely read my message !

[d0nnivain]

Be professional. Some level of personal inquiry is fine. Are you cold? is one of those examples. It should be fine. Talk about the subject he teaches & leave other issues to the side.

[darkmoon]

if he tells you he loves you sometime follow it up, atmo, he is a flirty friend, sort of thing, he is a grown man, he knows how to hande you, as here you are and you quote convos as if you are in love, reliving your happiness here, okay

 

but sex at this stage is a bad idea, my impression, wait til he wants you to be an item, if he does he will tell you

 

look pretty be nice but wait, at 45 and nice-looking, he knows how to seduce, you are willing, but we do not know if he wants a mere fling or the whole wife and kids thing

Edited September 28, 2014 by darkmoon

[preraph]

Over and over again there are going to be men who want to be more to you. You must never give them any reason to hope for more. In this case, you have a boyfriend. How is he with you doing all this with your professor? When the nice teacher starts wanting to help you in personal ways, say things like, "Oh don't worry about me, between me and my bf, we take pretty good care of me." Just don't let him get the wrong idea. Don't be touching him except a hug and keep that short.

[MissPotato]

Thanks for your answers.

@d0nnivain : okay, so you think there is nothing inappropriate in what he did?

@ darkmoon : I have difficulties to understand the subtleties of your answer (if there are any...), but in any case :

-I don't want to have sex with him

-what makes you think he's nice-looking ? He's short, bald (with stocking out ears lol), white as a sheet and no visibly muscles. The first time I saw him I thought "omg, it couldn't have been easy for him with women in his life". He has an attitude of "flirty friend" with other female colleagues as I seen but it just seems really friendly and this is why I think he's probably just trying to be nice with me.

[d0nnivain]

The crack about should we give each other a kiss was over the line but I assumed it was a cultural thing.

 

If you want to be his friend, keep things professional & on subject while you are his student. See what happens after you graduate.

 

I'm friends with several of my grad school professors. Twenty years later we've been to many social events: weddings, holidays, BBQs as well as catching up at industry conferences. You already have your subject matter in common.

[MissPotato]

Thank you for your answer preraph:).

 

I really didn't give him reasons to hope, I casually told him i was very happy to go on holidays with my boyfriend (for example).

 

I'm sorry but I don't really understand this sentence : "How is he with you doing all this with your professor?" what do you mean by this ?

I told my boyfriend I'd like to make this guy a friend of mine and I asked him what he would think about it (I think it's more honest since it's a man), he didn't like it and told me to be careful about and that if we ever get closer it would spread rumours in the college. I think he was just jealous (but him, for its part, as a lot more friends than I have and he knows I'd like to make new friends).

[MissPotato]

As you said it's a cultural thing, I live in France:). Professors and students usually don't kiss each other on the cheek but it was the last day and I saw an other trainee which was ending her course also kissing her boss on the cheek, so it didn't seem so weird. (the weird part of this is that he was a bit nervous but maybe it's just because we never did it before).

 

You are lucky to keep in touch with your professor. But how did it happen? What did you do ?

[d0nnivain]

You are lucky to keep in touch with your professor. But how did it happen? What did you do ?

 

It's professors plural. It sort of happened naturally. I would call & ask for advice or help with a job search. I'd be invited back to the office or we'd grab lunch when I was in the area. Eventually it lead to shopping or drinks or just to chat. These friendships evolve the way any friendships evolve . . . organically.

[darkmoon]

sooner or later he will ask for bed, imho, he might think he is not too bad looking, but do not mind me, just ask him to be friends and swap numbers

 

the kiss confused me, it is a bit of body contact, and i think men like the chance for sex, or does he kiss all his other colleagues and peers too?

 

your boyf has already been cited as wrong in relation to prof, who you described as "overly nice" that plus the kiss = seduction, imho, have you asked prof what he wants? sex or not, which one does he say

Edited September 29, 2014 by darkmoon

[preraph]

Thank you for your answer preraph:).

 

I really didn't give him reasons to hope, I casually told him i was very happy to go on holidays with my boyfriend (for example).

 

I'm sorry but I don't really understand this sentence : "How is he with you doing all this with your professor?" what do you mean by this ?

I told my boyfriend I'd like to make this guy a friend of mine and I asked him what he would think about it (I think it's more honest since it's a man), he didn't like it and told me to be careful about and that if we ever get closer it would spread rumours in the college. I think he was just jealous (but him, for its part, as a lot more friends than I have and he knows I'd like to make new friends).

 

Well,that's exactly what I mean. I can't imagine the boyfriend would be thrilled you are wanting to be personal friends with a professor. He knows men nearly always want sex.