My ex called over 5 months after he dumped me, after 6 weeks of NC

[Gottabestrong]

Hi,

 

for all of you who dont know my story:

 

My live-in boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me in October. His reasons were that he could not see himself marrying and starting a family within the next 5-10 years and as he knew that I wanted this, he felt it was unfair of him to waste my time.

 

Well, I was heartbroken and could not believe it for a while. Always hoped he would change his mind, but never begged or pleaded. Just stayed friendly and casual whenever he contacted me. Made sure that he was always the one to contact me and I did not initiate it.

 

Anyway, we stayed in contact via text for 3 months after the breakup. In January he started sending me emails, calling me Sweetie and signing with love. I thought he might be coming round and so I asked him in an email if he wanted to meet for a drink.

 

He called me the next day (first call since the breakup) and said that he was sorry he missed my message. I asked again if he would like to meet and he said 'Yes, lets arrange something, sometime'.

 

After that I did not hear a thing from him for 6 weeks. Besides one mass email he sent to 30 people 2 weeks ago.

 

Tonight he called my landline. I did not expect that and did not recognize his voice when he said 'hallo', so I asked who this was. He identified himself and said that he was calling because he wanted to hear a friendly voice and if that was okay. I said sure and so we talked.

 

After some time I asked him what happened to him and why he suddenly disappeared after that phonecall 6 weeks ago. He replied that I was the one ignoring him as I did not reply to his text, that he sent me a few days later. I never got that one.

 

So I asked him if he actually did want to meet up and he said yes. He wanted to meet for drinks I suggested a movie and a drink afterwards. We are meeting next sunday (I suggested the day).

 

Now I am confused and dont know what to do or what to make of it. I still love him and would love a reconcilliation, but I have a feeling that all he wants is friendship.

 

What do you guys make of this? He is an honest guy, so I believe that he did send that text-message. So does it carry any meaning if a guy who breaks up with you, and after you ignored him for 6 weeks, suddenly calls you on the phone 5 months after the breakup?

 

In the conversation he asked if I was seeing someone and told me quite strongly that he was not and was not interested in dating anyone for a long time. (He said 100 years, but I think that is an exaggeration).

 

Anyone been in a similar situation? Any words of advice?

[clynn]

Wow.

 

First off, Just wait and see if the get together actually does happen.

 

Then I guess you hear if he has any propositions to make. You can only guess and wonder until he does or doesn't. Try not to go on thinking he will be wanting to get back together.

 

However, if he does want to reconcile consider these things:

 

1. That perhaps his position in not wanting to get married for 5-10 years hasn't changed. And if it hasn't....have your expectations changed?

 

2. That you are stronger on your own now.

 

3. Take anyything slowly and try to maintain some sense of control yourself. Don't just give in the minute he asks. Take your time.

 

 

Keep us posted!!!!

[Gottabestrong]

Thanks for replying Clynn.

 

He has not cancelled yet, but I am thinking about doing it.

 

I can't help thinking that it would be a mistake to meet him. I believe that he is not interested in getting back together, but only wants to stay in casual contact.

 

When he called he told me that he had a hard day at work, and so he called to hear a friendly voice. And why would not he? Dont we all love to talk to someone who cares about us if we have a bad day? Friends, family,...

 

Thing is that I still love him and want more than friendship. I am afraid that if I see him it is going to hurt like crazy and I will want him back desperately, like I did the first few months after the breakup.

 

I hate that I was the one who asked to meet when he called. If I had not said anything, he might not even have suggested getting together. He never suggested it in the last 5 months either.

 

So I believe that it might be best for me to cancel in an email and see how he reacts. If he should be interested in getting back together, then he is going to say so.

 

If not, then he wont and I wont have seen him so far along my road of recovery.

 

What do you all think? Please give me some ideas.

 

I am thinking about sending a mail like this: 'Hi X, I am sorry, but I have to cancel. Maybe we can get together some other time. X'

 

What do you think? Should I give a reason for cancelling? Not suggest meeting up in the future?

 

Or do you think I should go through with meeting him next sunday?

 

I appreciate ALL replies and suggestions!

[strange love]

look

 

The reason that you did NC was to get him talking to u again

 

and well here he is. Now I wouldnt bet the whole farm on him, but if you made plans then go for it. What you could be doing in the mean time is lining up other dates...

 

and

 

look hot on the date day, and concentrate on having a really good tim then theres a chance for another date

 

just pretend its a from scratch thing

 

ciao

[clynn]

good idea.

 

Pretending it is from scratch!

[Gottabestrong]

Okay, I've just come back from my date with him. In a sentence: I still love him, but he just wants to be friends.

 

Aargh, we met at 6 infront of the cinema, and it was weird. We barely spoke and acted like strangers. We watched the movie and then went to the bar for a drink.

 

He spoke a bit about work, asked a bit about me, but mostly we were staring at the walls and there was an uncomfortable silence between us.

 

Well, then I finished my first glass of wine, and alcohol makes me talkative, so I started talking and asking him questions.

 

Basically he said that he still did not know what he wanted to do with his life career wise, and still felt lost, but that he was enjoying his life much more now than a few months ago.

 

He is going out a few times a week, made some friends and goes to gym regularily. He mentioned that he went to the theatre last week. I asked with who and he told me that it was with this girl he was seeing. That blew me away. I hope I did not let it show. I was shocked especially as he told me on the phone that he was not dating anyone, and it would take another 100 years for him to start dating again.

 

So I asked him about her and he told me that they were 'just friends' as it would be unfair of him to be in a serious relationship with someone right now. But they meet up once or twice a week and do things together. Well, I dont know what his definiation of a date is, but it sounds like one to me.

 

What really hurt me was when he told me that they had 'so much in common and could talk for hours'. He has always been a loner and found it difficult to make male or female friends. He often told me that I was one of the few people he could talk to. And now he has someone else for this.

 

All these last few months when he was not asking me to meet, and I assumed that he was actually working a lot and not going out much, in reality he was dating her.

 

OUch, that hurt a lot. At some point he talked about us being friends. I said that we were not friends, but exes. He asked what the difference was in that, and I said that friends want each other to be happy with other people and they are not jealous or hurt if their friends meet the love of their life. I asked him how he would feel if I met someone new, and he said that he would be very happy for me.

 

I talked about some movie and he said that he wanted to see it too and if I would like to see it with him. I replied 'Yeah, sure. If I hear from you again before the next 5 months have passed.'

 

At the end he gave me a hug and said that it was really good seeing me.

 

So, how do I feel now? I am hurting. And I am crying. I know that for him it is definitely over, even though he might be interested in being friends. That hurts.

 

I dont know if he is really going to call me about getting together next weekend and see that movie, but even if he does, should I go? He is seeing someone new, even if he does not call her his girlfriend (at least not to me).

 

Oh man, it feels like there were no 4+ plus months in between since I last saw him. My heart is hurting like in the beginning. Why does not he love me anymore? Why do I still love him? What to do? Love sucks!

[clynn]

Oh, dear. I'm so sorry to hear. That is really crummy. Like totally totally totally totally crappy.

 

No doubt you feel horrible.

 

I guess the only good thing now is that at least you know? I mean that helps a bit I guess, you don't have to think that maybe there is still a chance.

 

It is just over now then.

 

Probably I would pass on going to the movie and being friends with him.

But that is just me.

Other people are bigger people and stronger than I and can be friends with their exes.

 

Good luck!

[everchanging7822]

Gottabestrong,

 

My best advice for you will be to move on.Everything that you wrote reminds me of what an ex told me not long ago.The same words , and attempt to talk as friends.It did not work.In the process I got hurt.It is a week now since I decided not to contact him anymore and told him to leave me to find my happiness.I am not telling you that you should do the same because we are different people and our relationships are different.I just want to help you not to get hurt .If you think you can continue meeting him as friend without being hurt do it if not move on and go no contact and try to heal .If he loves you he will find you and knock on your door and tell you he made a mistake.But meanwhile go for a sport , visit places .Become a stronger person and date other men .Be strong:).I know it is hard I am in the same situation .I still love him but he does nto and there is nothing we can do about it .Life goes on and we cannot wait for them to realize what they have lost.We have the right to be happy .

[Gottabestrong]

Originally posted by clynn

I guess the only good thing now is that at least you know? I mean that helps a bit I guess, you don't have to think that maybe there is still a chance.

 

Unfortunately, I have to admit that I still believe there is a chance. why? I guess because I can't stand the thought that everything is over and he has really moved on.

 

This is so painful. I really did not need this. Why did he have to tell me about her? And why did he have to tell me on the phone last week that he was not seeing anyone? If he had told me the truth, I would not have met him. I really did not need to hear that.

 

I am clutching at straws here, because it hurts so much to accept that this is really over. He still has my photograph in his wallet. 6 months after the breakup. Does that mean anything? Probably not.

 

I guess he really does care about me and wants me to be happy, and to be in his life in some shape or form. He just really does not want to be in a relationship with me anymore. Ouch. My heart hurts so much.

 

I knew it was not very likely, but I still hoped that when we saw each other, he would say something like 'I missed you.' Or 'I love you'.

 

I have to move forward now and try to get back to feeling the way I did before he called last week. I dont know how yet, but I think meeting him would not be a step in the right direction. Did I mention that love sucks?

[upsetnhurt]

Got to be strong,

 

Love does suck sometimes, yet you are not in love...........what could you be in love with? A man who breaks up with you, tells you he isnt dating anyone, then tells you he is..............I'm falling in love with him too . I seriously dount he is dating someone else and from a guys perspective I can tell you that most put on a show when they meet an ex.......like you said he was a loner before and i assure you 5 months doesnt make him an extrovert................regardless he has shown you that you deserve better. Wake up and don't let more time go on to worry about "WHAT IF'S".........get up and live your life to the fullest.

[helena abadi]

so sorry you're feeling hurt again. dashed expectations do tend to stir up the pain again.

 

friendship cannot start until both sides have no romantic expectations at all. i don't believe many exes become friends. it's all just too hard.

 

i think you would be v wise to cancel the next movie date. this is tearing you up. tell him that. protect your own feelings first, before anything else.

 

who knows what his motive is? if he has difficulty making friends, then maybe you were the easiest person to call.

[Gottabestrong]

Hallo everyone,

 

I have not posted in a while and wanted to update everyone who has helped me through my crisis last week.

 

I am sure you guessed it, I met him for dinner and a movie last night.

 

I knew I should not have, and I did not post on here for advice because I expected you all to tell me not to go, and I did not want to go against your advice, when I am practically begging for it.

 

Anyway, this is is what happened. We met last sunday and since then he contacted me daily 1-4 times via email, some sms and one phonecall.

 

He did not bring up meeting on monday and tuesday, but just wrote about different things. I was upset because he said he was gonna call monday or tuesday about it. Wednesday he asked 'if I was free on saturday' to watch the movie. I thought about it for a while and then said yes.

 

After that he still wrote a few times and then we met last night. It was strange to hear so often from him. I am sure I have heard more often from him in the last week than in the last 4 months together.

 

I went to the meeting not expecting anything, and that's what I got. We had a really lovely evening. No awkwardness in the beginning like last week, but we started talking straight away. He told me about what he had been up to last week. He was doing something every night, but he has not met that other girl. (Made me happy, but I did not tell him).

 

He also told me that he wants to change his job and also leave this country. That hurt for a moment, because then he will be far away from me, but I think it will be easier as well, if I want to heal and move on from him.

 

We spoke about many things, also about dreams and hopes we both have for our future and he felt so close, so intimate. During our 'date' I reminded myself a couple of times to enjoy every moment of it because I dont know if or when I will see him again.

 

I am very glad because he did not give me any mixed messages. He did not do or say anything that gave me the impression that he might want to reconcile. He has repeated again that he does not want to be in a committed relationship at the moment, because he has to find his way first. I told him that I understood and that everybody got to do what makes them happy.

 

At the end of our evening he took my hand, gave me a kiss and said that he would call me sometime so we could get together again. I replied that this would be nice.

 

I dont know when I will hear from him again. It would not surprise me, if he took two weeks to get in touch, but after last week and daily contact, I guess I will be hoping for something sooner.

 

I dont think I want to go NC on him. The truth is still the same. I love him, but he does not want to be in a relationship with me right now. I think that this is the part that I have to get into my head. I will just have to tell myself 20 times a day (or an hour) that he does not want to be in a relationship with me. If i can accept and understand that, then I can be in touch with him. I just have to make sure that I dont put my hopes on him, and I have to continue to see other people.

 

It is so strange. If I had just met him, I would be on top of the world after last night. I had a great evening with a guy I really like, he seems to like me too and he said that he would call me again so we could do something together. But knowing that this is not going to lead anywhere, that is the bummer.

 

I am not pretending that I am his friend, I told him so, and if I feel the need, I will tell him again. I made sure that he knew last night was a date and not a friendly get together.

 

So I am okay with dating him, even though it wont lead to a committed relationship, as long as he does not seriously date anyone else and does not tell me about it. If it gets too painful, I will just have to stop.

 

At least I know that he still feels attracted to me, and does not just see me in a platonic way. If that were the case, I guess I would hurt much more. I am trying to accept that this is his problem. He is a commitment phobe, has a life crisis or whatever, but it does not have to do with me. He just cant be in a relationship with anyone at the moment. Maybe one day he will feel ready to be in a serious relationship again, but I know I cant wait or hope for that day.

 

My dad is staying at my place this weekend, and I was really glad about it. My ex was hinting about staying at my place last night, because it was really late already when I got home. If my dad had not stayed there, I would surely have invited him in, and I guess this would have been a mistake. He does not know my dad was there, so he probably thinks that I am strong enough to send him away. If he only knew.

 

Okay, this was rather long, but I just wanted to let you know what happened and thank you again for your moral support last week. I really needed it.

 

It probably wont take long till I am back posting about some crisis, but at the moment I am doing okay. I hope you are all strong too, and please feel free to share any thoughts you have on my situation.

[upsetnhurt]

gottabestrong,

 

I had to stop in the middle of your message. You sound really messed up. You realize that he is not interested in a relationship with you yet you realize you still have feelings for him...........what good is it going to do by hanging out with him? Don't you think that you are limiting your healing process and hurting any chances that you might have in getting healthy enough mentally to get into a new relationship with someone who deserves you? I just can't understand.......you are thinking too short-term here!

[kindapissed]

Hey,

I know exactly what you are going through, and all I can say is, "Hold on sweet heart, it's going to be a f*#ked up and bumpy downer of a ride, but as inviting as the best drug out there to the worst addict" In other words, I want to tell you that I have been just where you are, and it's not like you can do much about it, but you will take the risk and the fall pretty much from here on out.

I think this guy's got you where he wants you, and you won't hear me telling you any genius advice to do whats healthiest for you, or whats right, necessarily, but you will hear my condolences, babe. I have been through ur situation over and over and over and over, with the same spineless flipant grass is always greener guy type that you are dealing with.

Let me predict: u are sweet, and understanding, right? And forgiving like a mo' fo', right? You let him have the stage most the time when he speaks, even though he cuts you off when he wants to, but it is ok with you because what ever he is saying is much more important or interesting anyway, right?

OK, so Im pretty close, right?

KNOW THIS!!!!!!! IF YOU CAN TAKE ONE PIECE OF KNOWLEDGE WITH YOU TO BEAT THE BLUES DURING THIS TIME IN YOUR LIFE, DEAR........ LEARN THAT ALL U ARE TRUELY DEALING WITH IS A SELFISH LITTLE BRAT WHO CAN'T DECIDE IF HE WANTS TO BE WITH U, OR SOMEONE MORE INVITING THAT MAY COME ALONG. THERE IS NO OTHER GIRL AT THE MOMENT, MAYBE THERE WAS SOMEONE MORE INTERESTING TO HIM BACK IN THE DAY, LIKE WHEN HE DUMPED YOU, BUT THE GIRL ISNT INTERESTED NOW, SO NOW HES BACK. Is this messed up or what? but I bet my life it's true. Knowing this, can you really take him seriously ever again? He chose someone else over you. I am not projecting my own pathetic situation onto you to be bitter and rude, I am sure he wanted to move on, so badly back then, that he was willing to lose you forever. The two of you had a long term relationship before, right? He was willing to throw it all away for another broad. Big sacrifice for what? A new relationship and a new life with some other person. Ouch.

Knowing this, and still aching over the loss of the love you once had with this guy, you need to be strong, not indifferent, because that would be asking you to sprout wings and fly, (impossible) but strong.

Let me remind you, you want to have a goal, a realistic goal, of some day getting him to matter less to you, so you can move on in your life, from this walking on egg shell disposition you now carry, when with him.

******** Heres is the secret to your future, or for present happiness, get a new attitude. Remind yourself how mean he is for bailing on you when you needed him the most. Remind your self, that he threw you away for some chick that never panned out. Remind your self of the bruised ego he must have right now, having to come back with his tail between his legs to someone his ego **** on 5 months ago.

Sweety, its hard, but if muster up some spunk, some spiritual renewal, a confidence because happier times are ahead you can find that Mr. Second Time Around man will fall back in love with you, because you treat him like he aint no big deal anymore. Its called turning the tables. You can start doing this by not cutting the ties with current love interests other than him (if there are any), by not taking his unfaithful heart seriously, because he isn't that serious about you, and by realizing that what he did and what he is continuing to do to you is childish and doesnt get respect from you.

Make sure you forgive yourself for being in love with a jerk, we all love them the most. Heres a thought, try imagining him treating you the way you think you want to be treated. What do you imagine? Makes you squeamish doesn't it? It's because if you had him back after what he put you though, you would probably not be as happy with him as you think you would. What he has done has in reality helped you see him as less of a person. Its just our shattered ego and bruised confidence that tells us hes is the end all be all of all men and that we need him and only him to survive. You will be better off seeing him for the real bozo that he really is, than to lie to your self about how irresistable he is.

I pray that you feel the love from all these contributors and myself on this site, because we all have been put through the wash and wrung out to dry, and are bleeding for help to get through the next day of our heartbroken lives. Not to be overly dramatic, but we all bleed for ya kiddo, and hope that things turn out good for you. I do at least. Love and respect go hand in hand, so dont give respect to those actions that aren't deserving. Have a new outlook on things and you will have him where you want him. But by then, you watch, you won't be needing him the way you do now. Have fun, and be happy. You can turn the tables when ever you talk to him again, and you will. So don't call. See ya!

[smile]

Wow. I was reading this post and realizing how I have been here in this place for months. Just like you I took the "I am happy for now" perspective. I too have had those moments of "enjoy this moment because who knows when you will have it again". And of course that comes from the realization that you took for granted so many of those wonderful loving moments you had when you were together. And now, you are taking what you can get.

 

Kindapissed said it so clearly and beautifully. It made me cry. I cant tell you what to do because I am doing what everyone tells me not to. And yeh the more I pull the more he pushes. But the more that happens the more I am begining to question if I want this. This seemingly endless tug of war.

 

I love him so much, but he is so mixed up. He gave me the same, unsure where my life is going bs. And I felt wow in his mass confusion he came to me. He wants me to be his constant as his world changes. He doesnt want to let me go. He just knows I will always be here.... and if it was love and respect from him that would be ok.. but there are times when it seemed I was being used.

 

You have to be honest with you and with him. You dont want to hear about him seeing someone else? It shouldnt happen period...especially if he wants to spend the night with you. I agree.... dont answer his call.. make him call you. And please know that this is a long tough road you are heading down... make sure you want to be here. Take care of you sweetie.

[Gottabestrong]

You are all so right!

 

That was some post kindapissed, seems like you know what I am going through.

 

I am feeling so tired and exhausted of this whole rollercoaster ride. I hate that I think about him 24/7 and that I overanalyze everthing till it makes me crazy. I just want to be fine again.

 

There are two souls in my heart. One tells me to move on and leave him behind. The other one tells me that if you truely love someone, you dont walk away.

 

I just dont want to tell him to leave me alone unless he wants to work it out. I know, it is so easy. One short sentence and everything is said. But I cant bring myself to say it. I honestly feel like a drug addict who cant stay away from cocaine, even though he knows how bad it is for him.

 

I wish he would just stay away and never contact me again. I seem to be able to stick to NC as long as he is not contacting me. But once I hear from him, all my hopes come back. I am so tired of all that. I understand people who commit suicide just so they can get some peace. Not that I am seriously contemplating it, but I just want this all to stop.

 

No more worries, confusion, hope, disappointment,... I'd much rather just deal with a broken heart. And so far down the line (6 months) I surely think that I can get through it.

 

My big hope is that I will reach a point where I REALLY dont want this trouble in my life anymore, and where I will wholeheartedly tell him to leave me alone and never contact me again. And I wont look back. Maybe I have not reached my absolute low yet, but I can feel it approaching. At some point my survival instinct has got to kick in and take me out of harms way.

 

I know I am completely messed up, upsetnhurt, sorry to bother you with it.

[upsetnhurt]

You are never a bother . I am just trying to snap you out of this funk.........I want you to get better. I am sorry for making you feel sad too .

[clynn]

that was some post kindapissed. maybe next time break it up a bit. It was reallly SUPER hard to read!!! AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaackkkkkk! I hate that.

 

 

Gottabestrong_____The important thing is that you are askign people for advice. It is okay to follow your gut. You must follow your own instincts and do what you feel is right at the right time, at any time. Good things will happen at the right time.

 

Take care of your heart.

 

All the best.

[Gottabestrong]

Dear readers,

 

I just want to let you know what happened since I last posted.

 

I did not hear from him for a week after we met. In this time I had an epiphany and decided that I did not want this whole situation anymore.

 

All it does is cost me strength and it does not lead anywhere.

 

I have done my best and kept the door open for 6 months after the breakup. But now I have had enough.

 

I no longer want to be kept in lingo but move on with my life and spend my time and energy on people who deserve it.

 

So I have been going on NC 15 days ago and intent to stick to it for as long as necessary. He has contacted me twice with stupid messages about football, but I ignored both. I hope he does not contact me again, because that's when it gets hard as I hate being rude and impolite. But I dont want to break this nice run of NC I am on.

 

So I have finally made a decision that I intend to stick with and will no longer try and keep the door open.

 

Thank you all for your support over the last 6 months. Could not have done it without you guys.

[clynn]

all the very,very best.

[Dawnii]

Very inspiring, thank you. My situation is the same and has been going on, like a 'rollercoaster' for over 2 years. At one point I had NC for 3 months. I began dating again and actually met someone really great. My rollercoaster operator found out that I was once again fabulous and he pushed all the same buttons... and I fell for it all. I try to be strong with NC but he worms his way in like the proverbial camel in the tent. I guess I haven't hit bottom, either.

 

Dawnii

[Gottabestrong]

Hi Dawni,

 

am glad that you found my story inspiring.

 

To think that you have been on a roalercoaster like that for over 2 years!!!! and you had NC once for 3 months, but then he sneaked his way back into your life, only to disappoint you again,.... Wow, that's inspiring. Inspires me to run away from him as much as possible.

 

I don't know if you read my other thread that I posted meanwhile, but after those 2 texts, he sent me 2 emails, in the second he said 'goodbye' and promised not to bother me again. When I did not reply to that he called me twice 3 days later, practically demanding/begging that I tell him I am okay.

 

So I sent him a short mail saying just that. He replied promising once more to leave me alone for good now. The same evening he texted my sister asking if I had a new boyfriend. If yes then he is very happy for me because all he wants for me is happiness, love and luck.

 

That was 11 days ago and I have not heard anything from him since. The first few days were very hard, and I guess it is needless to say that I very much regret breaking NC for him.

 

I am feeling a bit better now and I only hope that in a few days/weeks I will feel even better.

 

Originally I started NC because I decided that I had to make him believe that we are completely over, for good. Only then would he show what he really wants from me. Either he would beg me for another chance, or he would disappear and leave me alone for good. Win/win situation for me.

 

This plan worked faster than I thought, and after only 3 weeks or so he became convinced that I have moved on and have a new guy. Now time will tell which of the two courses of action he is going to pick.

 

I just hope that it wont be the middle way, where he will contact me, but not with the intention to reconcile, but just to string me along. My head tells me that option 2 (him never contacting me again) would be definitely better.