The Fairytale is over :(

[Targetlock]

From my main onmy main ongoing relationship thread

 

And the fairytale is over...

 

The dream has ended and it is don. after my last visit she decided she needed some space and time to think things through so we ended up talking and it turns out she doesn't love me anymore, that im not right for her, too much pressure and other reasons.

 

We talked for ages (she wouldnt meet face to face, said it would be too hard) and i tried to fight for our relationship and that we could work on it. But she wouldnt listen and now its over

 

I cant put into words how awful i feel, my worst fears just came true and i have lost. I must somehow pick up the pieces and move on

 

How can this happen, how you suddenly not love someone? did she ever truly love me? i don't how i can move on after this, especially when it comes to future dating, i don't know if i can allow myself to be hurt this way again (i will be wondering the whole time if this will happen again, that they suddenly don't love me or something) horrible doesn't begin to describe how bad i felt this weekend and i still do. the fact this is my first real girlfriend (five years since i went on a date) and i lost my virginity to her as well it just adds to the pain

[d0nnivain]

Oh Target. I am so sorry.

 

What happened? Were you putting too much pressure on her? You did seem pretty intense. I remember a few future oriented comments about marriage. You may have scared her.

 

It will take a while for you to heal but you will heal. You have also now had the experience of having a GF & have having sex. When the pain is less acute, you will be better equipped to go back out there & try again.

 

For now, though you do have to back off. Self soothe & surround yourself with positive people.

[organizedchaos]

Take it slower next time. Agree with d0nnivain. From what I read things moved way too fast. Personally, I don't think it was really love so soon. But I don't know her or you. just learn from it.

[Mi7522]

You'll be fine it just takes some time. Have gone through the same thing but you must give her space just so you can heal

[somedude81]

Welcome to real life dude.

 

You're officially a member

 

Yeah suddenly getting dumped hurts like hell. Women seem to be able to change their feelings an in instant.

 

It's really going to hurt for a while, even more so that she was your first.

 

The most important thing you should do right now and in the future, is actually a thing you should not do. Do not try to contact her at all. That is a huge mistake I made after my ex dumped me. I kept pestering her and she got completely mad at me and absolutely refused to ever speak to me again. Please don't make the mistake I did.

[Mister Zen]

That's the name of the game. One day you're hot the next day you're not. There is little loyalty these days.

 

I'm going to write 6 wise words of wisdom that changed my life and opened my eyes:

 

Men value love. Women love value.

 

As long as you keep those words in mind, you will never be confused or surprised by a woman's actions. You will have total clarity in your relationships with women and have the ability to know where you stand at all times.

 

In the mean time, try to stay busy and meet some new women.

[lollipopspot]

That's the name of the game. One day you're hot the next day you're not. There is little loyalty these days.

 

I'm going to write 6 wise words of wisdom that changed my life and opened my eyes:

 

Men value love. Women love value.

 

As long as you keep those words in mind, you will never be confused or surprised by a woman's actions. You will have total clarity in your relationships with women and have the ability to know where you stand at all times.

 

In the mean time, try to stay busy and meet some new women.

 

Wow, why would you even want to get involved with women, with the attitude you have towards them MZ? I don't understand why men with such a negative attitude don't try swinging the other way, to be honest.

 

OP, give her space. Things moved very fast. Things might turn around yet.

[Els]

So sorry to hear that, Target. Many hugs.

 

What was the 'too much pressure' that she was talking about?

 

It will definitely hurt heaps (my first BU definitely did!) but you gotta be strong and carry on. Immerse yourself in your work and hobbies and friends. Seek support. Don't be afraid to cry.

 

Still rooting for you!

[SoThatHappened]

Wow, why would you even want to get involved with women, with the attitude you have towards them MZ? I don't understand why men with such a negative attitude don't try swinging the other way, to be honest.

 

OP, give her space. Things moved very fast. Things might turn around yet.

Although it is a definite generalization, I'm with MZ on this one.

 

Respectively, I agree with him.

 

I don't know any guy who has ever just fallen out of love. I'm sure they exist, but I believe that women "fall out of love" far more frequently than men.

 

I think men rationalize the love they have and make a decision as to whether or not they should stick with their woman based on logic. I'm not talking players or emotionally unstable men here.

 

I think women base their love on emotions, which can change so quickly.

 

I also am fresh off a girl leaving me when everything was perfect, so I'm a little biased.

[Zing]

It's biological. Men want to spread their seed around, Women are always looking for someone "better". It doesn't matter if they have the greatest guy who they connect with in every way and treats them amazingly, you show the tiniest bit of weakness and they will suddenly become "unattracted" to you and "stop loving you."

 

And yet we will still go back for more. So eh.

 

Honestly I'm just starting to see it as a game of musical chairs, just keep going round til age becomes a factor and you end up with someone because of timing.

[CrystalCastles]

Welcome to real life dude.

 

You're officially a member

 

Yeah suddenly getting dumped hurts like hell. Women seem to be able to change their feelings an in instant.

 

Do not try to contact her at all.

 

Ok, women don't "change their feelings in an instant". A woman doesn't simply wake up one day and think "huh, I think its time for a new boyfriend". This isn't the same thing as throwing away old underwear and buying a new pair.

 

In Target's case, it was just too much intensity, too fast. Eventually someone in the relationship is going to burn out from it. You can't really be glued to the hip 24/7- each person needs their space.

 

That's the name of the game. One day you're hot the next day you're not. There is little loyalty these days.

 

I'm going to write 6 wise words of wisdom that changed my life and opened my eyes:

 

Men value love. Women love value.

 

As long as you keep those words in mind, you will never be confused or surprised by a woman's actions. You will have total clarity in your relationships with women and have the ability to know where you stand at all times.

 

In the mean time, try to stay busy and meet some new women.

 

Wow. This is the silliest rubbish I have read in a while. "Men value love. Women love value." I mean, what the f*ck is that? Where did you get this? Did you read it in some tea leaves?

 

Women aren't these weird alien species like some men think. Really, as a woman I assure you. Its true.

 

Target, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. However, I don't think all is lost. You really couldn't have believed that the rocket speed you two were going at was what your relationship would be like forever?

 

It sounds to me like she's an introvert. As an introvert myself (probably even bordering on antisocial), I cannot live without my space. I completely get your girlfriend. She's feeling burnt out. I don't know if you read my post from the other thread, but I got to that point in my own relationship. It wasn't that drastic like your case, but I did want to see my man less (I was seeing him 5 times a week, most times it was all day- hey, it was summer!). I didn't have time for hobbies, I didn't have time to work out, read books, crochet, listen to music, watch movies and all the things I normally did when I was single. I was still very happy to have a boyfriend but I needed a bit of a break from the intense frequency to go do my own thing and have my "me" time. It took two weeks or so of "me" time, though I still saw him once a week, to "right" myself. I did communicate that to my man- that I just wanted a bit of "me" time because I didn't have time for my hobbies anymore and I missed doing them. Personally for me, its very difficult to go from spending most of my days completely alone, to seeing someone all day, 5 times a week. The honeymoon period ended abruptly for me as well. I'm still with my man, and he means more to me than ever before. Just because I wanted "me" time, it didn't mean I didn't care for him anymore.

 

You just haven't given her the time to miss you. I know that concept sounds weird, because people who are so in love should want to be with each other all the time, but its not true. Somehow I have a feeling she still really likes you. I think she's just missing her "me" time. I know this all seems very abrupt but I don't think that's unusual.

 

Love can also exist in many ways. It doesn't mean she lied when she said she loved you. At that point, love is really infatuation and lust. After the honeymoon phase goes away, that's when you start to develop real love. The deep stuff.

 

So, I have a feeling not all may be lost. However, its very important for you to NOT CONTACT HER. Somedude was right about that. Do not contact her. Leave her alone, give her space. She's saying these things because she's feeling smothered. I think that's the pressure she's speaking of. It could be that she had begun to pressure herself to see you because you're sweet and she didn't want to hurt your feelings, only that burnt her out even more. So, give her time and space. This is very important. Don't send her any texts or messages or call her. She'll have some space to herself, then she'll begin to think about you, then she'll begin to miss you and want to see you again.

 

Next time, be a little more chill. Its sweet that you are so into her, but that is smothering. So, just relax a bit, don't freak out, somehow I don't think all is lost, k?

Edited September 29, 2014 by CrystalCastles

[ThaWholigan]

I'm sorry this has happened bro. I think a lot of us were rooting for you.

 

There are things to take from this experience; mistakes to learn from and positives to cherish. You're gonna have to ride out this tough time for now as many other people have - try and occupy your time with other stuff for now, maybe chill with some friends as well to cheer you up.

 

I have to echo the others aswell - don't contact her. You packed a lot into a 2 month relationship, and it was said that you might wanna think about slowing down. I remember you saying that you're dyspraxic and I know as someone with the same condition that it's easy to get caught up and get ahead of ourselves, especially in a first time relationship (serious or casual). That is something you can learn from this experience - tempering your emotional response and perhaps not rushing into anything too soon.

 

You'll be alright though, you're OK .

[somedude81]

Ok, women don't "change their feelings in an instant". A woman doesn't simply wake up one day and think "huh, I think its time for a new boyfriend". This isn't the same thing as throwing away old underwear and buying a new pair.

 

It happened to me, it happened to Target and it seems like it happened to a couple of other guys who posted in this thread.

 

We've experienced a woman suddenly ending a relationship that seemed to be going perfectly fine.

 

While I doubt that a woman instantly changes her feelings, that is exactly what it looks like to the guy.

 

My ex actually went out of her way to deceive me and pretend that the relationship was fine.

 

BTW, I completely agreed with the last half of your post so I gave you a like

Edited September 29, 2014 by somedude81

[Zing]

It happened to me, it happened to Target and it seems like it happened to a couple of other guys who posted in this thread.

 

We've experienced a woman suddenly ending a relationship that seemed to be going perfectly fine.

 

While I doubt that a woman instantly changes her feelings, that is exactly what it looks like to the guy.

 

My ex actually went out of her way to deceive me and pretend that the relationship was fine.

 

BTW, I completely agreed with the last half of your post so I gave you a like

 

I'd say 9 times out of 10 it's a lack of communication. That's why it feels like a blindside, most of the time for whatever reason the woman doesn't make her feelings known so how could you even have done anything?

 

Kudos to the women who are mature enough to communicate with their partners, but in my opinion their are a lot more stunted women out there who don't communicate properly and it ruins a lot of potentially good relationships.

[somedude81]

I'd say 9 times out of 10 it's a lack of communication. That's why it feels like a blindside, most of the time for whatever reason the woman doesn't make her feelings known so how could you even have done anything?

 

Kudos to the women who are mature enough to communicate with their partners, but in my opinion their are a lot more stunted women out there who don't communicate properly and it ruins a lot of potentially good relationships.

 

Yeah it definitely is a lack of communication. For some reason the woman feels that she shouldn't talk about her feelings and things just keep building up inside of her till she can't take it anymore and pulls the plug.

 

One of my best friends growing up got divorced years ago. He had sex with his wife first thing in the morning before work and everything was fine. He gets home from work and the police are at his house to escort him around while he packs a few belongings. He has to leave. She told some story to the cops that she was afraid he would abuse her when she broke things off with him, even though he had never abused her before. In the morning his marriage was ok. 8 hours later, he is homeless, separated, and soon finds out his wife was having an affair with another guy. He never saw any of it coming.

 

I'm not sure if women fall out of love as quickly as people are saying here, but like SD pointed out, it sure seems like that to the guy.

Wow, what a horrible story.

 

Did she actually believe that he would hurt her? If so, how did she come to those thoughts? I wonder if she's been abused in the past and was afraid that the next guy would do the same thing.

[CrystalCastles]

It happened to me, it happened to Target and it seems like it happened to a couple of other guys who posted in this thread.

 

We've experienced a woman suddenly ending a relationship that seemed to be going perfectly fine.

 

While I doubt that a woman instantly changes her feelings, that is exactly what it looks like to the guy.

 

My ex actually went out of her way to deceive me and pretend that the relationship was fine.

 

BTW, I completely agreed with the last half of your post so I gave you a like

 

As the poster right below you said, its a communication issue and isn't some inherent characteristic of all women. Clearly Target's girlfriend failed to properly communicate, hence why he doesn't even know what she was talking about when she said "pressure"! I think its more a maturity issue. A mature woman, IMO, would let the man she is dating, the man who has feelings for her and risked his heart- made himself vulnerable- for her, know what's happening on her side. I think its very immature to hurt someone because you failed to mention crucial details and left your SO in the dark.

 

This is why I sat my man down and made it very clear that, when the honey moon period came to an end, for me, and I needed some "me" time, it did not at all mean I was dumping him or I wasn't interested in the relationship or he did something wrong. I mean, look at poor Target here at his wit's end. To do the same to my man and have him all distressed, worried and upset because he'd think he screwed up would be so cruel.

 

I don't think your ex deceived you. I think the honeymoon phase for her was over and she decided to pull the plug on your relationship instead of seeing where the relationship would go next. I know this sounds like a whole lot of evil from your side, and I understand. You're not the only one this happens to, though. Target's case isn't unique either. We're all trying to find that perfect person who understands us.

 

Haha thanks SD.

[SoThatHappened]

Ok, women don't "change their feelings in an instant".

Well, I'm living proof that it happens. As are probably most men on here. Not ALL women, no. But a surprising amount, as I have learned.

 

You're speaking in generalizations and I understand that. But, women are so much more emotionally driven than men.

 

I don't say this to start a war of the sexes. I LOVE women... mom, sis, every potential suitor on the planet!

 

Typically, a guy who has a great girl and is happy, doesn't just dump her because he met another hot girl who MAY be better for him. He may try to get with that hot girl (to cheat) or flirt with her, but he's not gonna leave a girl he truly loves. He thinks logically and practically about the situation. Not saying that we're not pigs because we want to hook up with every woman, but a normal guy will not leave a great girl for an unsure thing.

 

I've never seen such a varied range of emotions in such a short amount of time (literally minutes) than I've seen with a woman. And not just one woman, but most that I've romantically dated since I was 16.

 

The range of emotions between men and women varies greatly, and how men and women decide on "the one" also varies greatly.

 

I think that the "in love" period can be cutoff in an instant with a woman (emotionally), but men will take the time to look at it more logically than emotionally if they're in love and something happens to make them second-guess things.

 

Hate me for saying the above, but that's been my experience for 34 years (18 years of dating).

 

OP, I have felt your pain. The only things you can do involve becoming a ghost and working on yourself, physically and mentally. Cut any ties, block her from every form of communication. If she wants you back, she'll knock down your door to tell you. Do NOT give in to breadcrumbs.

 

The only way to get her back is by becoming a ghost. The double-whammy is that you heal during that time you're in NC and you may come out of it not wanting her at all anymore.

[SoThatHappened]

I think its more a maturity issue. A mature woman, IMO, would let the man she is dating, the man who has feelings for her and risked his heart- made himself vulnerable- for her, know what's happening on her side. I think its very immature to hurt someone because you failed to mention crucial details and left your SO in the dark.

You're exactly right here! I don't mean to generalize all women based on young women's actions, because they're not completely congruent.

 

However, what I said before, I still believe.

[somedude81]

This is why I sat my man down and made it very clear that, when the honey moon period came to an end, for me, and I needed some "me" time, it did not at all mean I was dumping him or I wasn't interested in the relationship or he did something wrong. I mean, look at poor Target here at his wit's end. To do the same to my man and have him all distressed, worried and upset because he'd think he screwed up would be so cruel.

 

Your boyfriend is very, very lucky to have you.

 

You are mature far beyond your years young one.

[lollipopspot]

I dunno. Could be that females are all emotionally driven, change quickly, and don't communicate. Or it could be that these guys have no ability or willingness to hear when the woman is trying to communicate.

 

Since some of you insist on playing this stupid game. Why turn every damn thread into a gender war?

[SoThatHappened]

I dunno. Could be that females are all emotionally driven, change quickly, and don't communicate. Or it could be that these guys have no ability or willingness to hear when the woman is trying to communicate.

 

Since some of you insist on playing this stupid game. Why turn every damn thread into a gender war?

I think it may be both. We are horrible at listening, and women CAN be emotionally driven and change very quickly.

 

Do not want to start a gender war. I apologize if I did.

 

I was just trying to help the OP out, and was speaking from experience.

 

OP, you're gonna continue to hear about No Contact (NC) over and over. I'm an advocate of it. The point I was trying to make is that you shouldn't take it personally.

 

Do not contact her. Improve yourself in every way.

 

She may come back, she may not. The best way to get her back is NC. However, after a certain amount of time in NC, you may have already moved past her.

[CrystalCastles]

You're speaking in generalizations

 

But so were you.

 

Typically, a guy who has a great girl and is happy, doesn't just dump her because he met another hot girl who MAY be better for him. He may try to get with that hot girl (to cheat) or flirt with her, but he's not gonna leave a girl he truly loves. He thinks logically and practically about the situation. Not saying that we're not pigs because we want to hook up with every woman, but a normal guy will not leave a great girl for an unsure thing.

 

Why are you so sure women do this? "He may try to get with that hot girl"? He can't truly love his woman if he's banging some piece on the side. That's not love at all. And its not logical thinking either. Because many women, if they find out that little tidbit, they leave.

 

I think that the "in love" period can be cutoff in an instant with a woman (emotionally), but men will take the time to look at it more logically than emotionally if they're in love and something happens to make them second-guess things.

 

That's really generalizing things.

 

I am borderline INFJ/INTJ. However, when it comes to my partner's feelings, I do my best to think things through and consider how my actions will appear from his side. Its called "being mature", which isn't something men have and women don't. Its something that is a characteristic of mature, healthy-minded people. A mature woman isn't going to throw her stable, kind and loving man away because she saw some Brad-Pitt-lookalike across the street. Believe me, not every woman is that fickle.

 

Your boyfriend is very, very lucky to have you.

 

You are mature far beyond your years young one.

 

Thank you, that's very kind. I still have a lot to learn though! At 22, I'm probably still a little bean sprout in the eyes of the older female posters on LS, with my meager life experience, haha!

[Haydn]

Sorry Targetlock, was following your thread hoping things would work out.

[Targetlock]

I feel numb and broken about this and cant understand what has happened. yes there was too much pressure it seems but she was unwilling to talk to me about them and let me help her with it and if she doubts and fears she wouldnt say about them, the last time she saw me in person she seemed fine if slightly distant but i did think something was up this past week when it seemed she just wasnt that into me any more.

she wouldnt do it face to face and so we ended up doing it with a long and arduous messaging chat, where i realised i just couldn't win now i wonder; did she ever love? truly? or was it all too good to be true

But i will not become like some of the rest of you and become bitter towards her or other women about this, thats not who i am.

[irc333]

One of my best friends growing up got divorced years ago. He had sex with his wife first thing in the morning before work and everything was fine. He gets home from work and the police are at his house to escort him around while he packs a few belongings. He has to leave. She told some story to the cops that she was afraid he would abuse her when she broke things off with him, even though he had never abused her before. In the morning his marriage was ok. 8 hours later, he is homeless, separated, and soon finds out his wife was having an affair with another guy. He never saw any of it coming.

 

It's situations like this that make men not want to get married.

 

Target Lock, you mean there was no entertaining the notion of taking some time apart then trying to rekindle things? Was that not even on the table for discussion?