The Fairytale is over :(

[veggirl]

I'm sorry Target. That sucks. You moved too quickly, way too quickly. I didn't want to rain on the parade in your other thread, but I did read it and tbh people should have warned you to chill a bit more.

 

If there is any salvaging, you need to completely disappear and let her do the work. I'd go NC right away, it's your only hope for reconcilliation and it will help you heal more quickly. Best!

 

You are well liked on this board, so post all you need for support, you'll get it!

[littleblacksubmarine]

From my main onmy main ongoing relationship thread

 

And the fairytale is over...

 

The dream has ended and it is don. after my last visit she decided she needed some space and time to think things through so we ended up talking and it turns out she doesn't love me anymore, that im not right for her, too much pressure and other reasons.

 

We talked for ages (she wouldnt meet face to face, said it would be too hard) and i tried to fight for our relationship and that we could work on it. But she wouldnt listen and now its over

 

I cant put into words how awful i feel, my worst fears just came true and i have lost. I must somehow pick up the pieces and move on

 

How can this happen, how you suddenly not love someone? did she ever truly love me? i don't how i can move on after this, especially when it comes to future dating, i don't know if i can allow myself to be hurt this way again (i will be wondering the whole time if this will happen again, that they suddenly don't love me or something) horrible doesn't begin to describe how bad i felt this weekend and i still do. the fact this is my first real girlfriend (five years since i went on a date) and i lost my virginity to her as well it just adds to the pain

 

Yep it happens sometimes, and right now it's not really important what her reasons were, its just time to move on as nothing you say or do can change her mind only you can. You will get over it, it'll take time and effort, but you'll get there and you will try again, and again if that fails, and each time it will get easier to cope with the pain and you'll learn from it.

 

You're right not to blame her or other women, that won't help you and will just get in the way of healing. She is not what is making you feel bad, the situation is.

[Imajerk17]

I am sorry to hear this Target.

 

What others said--go No Contact. I also do think you moved too fast, but I don't think that was the only problem.

 

I commented about this on your thread a while back and didn't say too much more about it, but, going by your writing style at least, you need to learn emotional control and bolster your masculinity. Even the title of this thread says a lot. Grown men don't have "fairytails" dude. What I said sounds harsh but it's what is going to get you on the road to recovery and success.

 

We all have to go through something like this though. You haven't really grown up, I think, until you suffer a big heartbreak and get through it. It's how we earn our perspective and wisdom. You'll feel a lot of pain but ultimately you'll be fine.

Edited September 29, 2014 by Imajerk17

[Chi townD]

Sorry Target,

 

 

But, okay dude! Time to get back up on that horse! I think it would be wise for you to take some time to start loving you for once. To invest time into yourself and the things that you like.

 

 

The thing is, you don't have to have a girl in your life to validate who you are as a man. Yes, it would be nice to have a partner to share that life with, but that will come in time and when you least expect it.

 

 

So, take some time and enjoy the single life and find things that make YOU happy. Not, what you need to do to make someone else happy. You need to figure you out first.

 

 

Hang in there, dude!

[Targetlock]

yeah im going no contact, if she wants me she needs to come get me

 

and trying again wasn't even open to discussion or even trying to slow things down simply wasn't on the table, her mind was set and she is a stubborn lady who just wouldnt listen

Still cant believe this has happened.

[d0nnivain]

( now i wonder; did she ever love? truly? or was it all too good to be true

But i will not become like some of the rest of you and become bitter towards her or other women about this, thats not who i am.

 

Your positive attitude will get you through this. Hang in there.

 

I think it may have been too early / too fast & possibly too intense for it to be love but I do believe she cared for you.

[organizedchaos]

yeah im going no contact, if she wants me she needs to come get me

 

and trying again wasn't even open to discussion or even trying to slow things down simply wasn't on the table, her mind was set and she is a stubborn lady who just wouldnt listen

Still cant believe this has happened.

 

It's not unique to you. None of us who've experienced it believed it could happen when it did. Try to take comfort in knowing others have been there too and we understand.

 

You'll eventually meet someone else who you will fall madly for and who will fall for you once again.

[Els]

yeah im going no contact, if she wants me she needs to come get me

 

Sounds like a good plan. You're a great guy with your head on straight. You'll get through this.

[Scales]

Amazing when you trust someone that much and they rip your heart to pieces isn't it? This is the kind of stuff that will give you trust issues in the future so take this opportunity now to exorcise those demons. Also know that most men that have dated have felt the exact same way as you do now.

 

If you are wondering if she truly loved you, the answer is no. If you ever truly had feelings for someone in a relationship, you would never break up and finish it over text. Never. A face to face would be in order. The fact that she won't meet with you and won't explain much on her side proves that. Don't listen to her reason about there being too much pressure. It's just an excuse. She isn't telling you the real reason.

 

In any case, when I posted in your original thread I said that you were a winner and you still are. Even though the emotional pain will stay with you for years, never forget that you accomplished something great for yourself. You went on dates, you fell in love, and even lost your virginity. This is moment of confidence, not failure. When you finally break out of this eclipse, you will be a stronger person going forward. We all believe in you. Please believe in yourself.

[MissBee]

It happened to me, it happened to Target and it seems like it happened to a couple of other guys who posted in this thread.

 

We've experienced a woman suddenly ending a relationship that seemed to be going perfectly fine.

 

While I doubt that a woman instantly changes her feelings, that is exactly what it looks like to the guy.

 

My ex actually went out of her way to deceive me and pretend that the relationship was fine.

 

BTW, I completely agreed with the last half of your post so I gave you a like

 

And you think no woman has experienced this? LOTS of women and men have experienced this.

 

However, having just broken it off with my ex like a week ago, I can tell you that it's not in an instant where you "fall out of love" or your feelings change. It seems like those who don't understand this tend to be folks who've never broken up with someone so can't actually grasp how it feels on the other person's end. I was also that way until I did my own share of breaking up and I began to see the "dumper's" position with a lot more understanding where before it seemed irrational and out of left field but it's often not. The main problem is that the dumper usually has their doubts and feel these feelings of things being off or not right for a while and choose not to say anything, sometimes thinking they will give it time to improve and then when it doesn't sometimes they just "explode" and end things. But guaranteed for most they haven't suddenly lost their minds and in an instant break it off.

 

With me and my ex-boyfriend for example, I always had doubts about our compatibility but enough good was there for me to explore and see. That's also what dating is about. It's not a promise to forever, it's a time to explore if you can go the distance and sometimes that distance is 3 months, 6 months or 3 years and not 40 years. I cared a lot about him and went in with wide-eyes shining thinking he could potentially be my husband, but then after the honeymoon high wore off instead of it growing deeper little things would happen that would point to larger ways we weren't compatible that I didn't see before. But I still gave it a chance because I genuinely liked him and was hoping they could be ironed out. But as time went on instead of them ironing themselves out they got worse and I could no longer deny it. However, I did bring these issues up with him several times so it wasn't like I just let it stew in silence. Long story short, it came to a point where I realized enough wasn't there for us to continue, I wasn't in love and was quite unhappy. Fortunately, it was an amicable split where he ended up agreeing, but in our previous talks he often acted oblivious to my concerns and I realized that that's how dumpees are sometimes..certainly as one before I remember seeing the writings on the wall but not realizing the gravity of it so when the breakup was initiated I felt blind-sided even though there were clues it wasn't going well.

 

I now realize that dating and love don't have guarantees and someone breaking up with you doesn't make them an evil person. Not every relationship will last until you both die of old age unfortunately.Most of us will break hearts or have our hearts broken or if we're lucky we'll agree to end things mutually with one or several people in our lifetime. As long as they are truthful and respectful of you that's what matters IMO but the demonization of dumpers as evil beings simply because they realize you are not for them is crazy. I did it too though before I grew up and realized people may care for you but not want to be with you and you have to allow them to go. It hurts like HELL of course but I think having a more rational idea of how things work and don't work helps to put it into perspective.

Edited September 30, 2014 by MissBee

[Targetlock]

I've had a long time to think this whole mess over and it comes down to this:

 

She had issues but she wouldn't let someone like myself help her with them because she just didn't want to become an issue and try and get on with her life. she couldn't understand that i wanted to help and be there for her. i think her worries and doubts scared her away, and how we should would keep saying how i wasn't right for her and that i would eventually realise that so yeah my guess is her fears and worries have scared her away from this and she couldn't deal with the pressure of it.

 

And just so you i know her past serious relationship was a bad abusive one so i guess there is some issues left over, fort example she views sex as a form of control and got really bothered by the fact that i wanted it a lot more than she did. she thought it was because it would be okay with the right person or something but it wasn't true and felt it unfair that i would have to compromise for her, she is so stubborn and just wont talk to me about it. it all comes down to her not letting me in and helping, some people just don't want helping it seems, no matter how much they are struggling

 

I feel like i have thrown so much of myself at this, i gave it my all and i have nothing left to give and feel drained and broken glad i finally lost my virginity but at the moment feels like a hollow victory.

I doubt this can be saved to be honest but time heals all wounds and i will ready and more experienced for any possible future relationships

[somedude81]

But I still gave it a chance because I genuinely liked him and was hoping they could be ironed out. But as time went on instead of them ironing themselves out they got worse and I could no longer deny it. However, I did bring these issues up with him several times so it wasn't like I just let it stew in silence.

 

You get a pass because you did bring it up.

 

Though when a woman doesn't talk about any of her issues or feelings, or anything that is bothering her at all, it's impossible to think that her feelings didn't change overnight.

 

My ex was a perfect example of somebody who let it stew in silence.

 

I haven't been following Target's thread but I have the impression that the same thing happened to him. The relationship seemed great, and then it's over. No chance to repair any damage while the relationship was still running.

[somedude81]

I've had a long time to think this whole mess over and it comes down to this:

 

She had issues but she wouldn't let someone like myself help her with them because she just didn't want to become an issue and try and get on with her life. she couldn't understand that i wanted to help and be there for her. i think her worries and doubts scared her away, and how we should would keep saying how i wasn't right for her and that i would eventually realise that so yeah my guess is her fears and worries have scared her away from this and she couldn't deal with the pressure of it.

 

And just so you i know her past serious relationship was a bad abusive one so i guess there is some issues left over, fort example she views sex as a form of control and got really bothered by the fact that i wanted it a lot more than she did. she thought it was because it would be okay with the right person or something but it wasn't true and felt it unfair that i would have to compromise for her, she is so stubborn and just wont talk to me about it. it all comes down to her not letting me in and helping, some people just don't want helping it seems, no matter how much they are struggling

 

I feel like i have thrown so much of myself at this, i gave it my all and i have nothing left to give and feel drained and broken glad i finally lost my virginity but at the moment feels like a hollow victory.

I doubt this can be saved to be honest but time heals all wounds and i will ready and more experienced for any possible future relationships

 

Yeah it sounds like there was nothing you can do. Damaged goods.

 

Seeing sex as a form of control is a huge red flag. I don't know if you posted that here but anybody who red that would tell you that it's a bad sign. If you wrote that she gets really bothered that you want sex more than she did, people would be telling to dump her because you guys aren't compatible.

 

BTW, I take back what I said about you being suddenly dumped and not seeing it coming. There were signs that something as wrong.

[martaldn]

sorry to read about your break up Target.. i was following your story in the other thread and I really hoped for you.

 

unfortunately there is not much you can do if she decided that way.. I know it is very hard and still very fresh but I agree that get bitter over it wont give you her back so you try to remember this as an experience of life and move on.. I am sure when the right one comes you will know

[CarrieT]

She had issues but she wouldn't let someone like myself help her with them because she just didn't want to become an issue and try and get on with her life. she couldn't understand that i wanted to help and be there for her. i think her worries and doubts scared her away, and how we should would keep saying how i wasn't right for her and that i would eventually realise that so yeah my guess is her fears and worries have scared her away from this and she couldn't deal with the pressure of it.

 

And just so you i know her past serious relationship was a bad abusive one so i guess there is some issues left over, fort example she views sex as a form of control and got really bothered by the fact that i wanted it a lot more than she did. she thought it was because it would be okay with the right person or something but it wasn't true and felt it unfair that i would have to compromise for her, she is so stubborn and just wont talk to me about it. it all comes down to her not letting me in and helping, some people just don't want helping it seems, no matter how much they are struggling

Target, the bottom line is that you can NOT fix someone. And a good relationship does not automatically help those who are hurting.

 

This is critical and I want to hammer it into your head. And I take umbrage to Somedude's comment that she was "damaged goods." Yes, she was damaged as most people with issues are damaged, but it simply means that she - herself - has to fix her problems on her own before she is ready to be in a positive, affirming relationship.

 

I was very much like her in many regards and I had almost 30 years of troubling, disconnect relationships before I was capable of being in one that was healthy. There were those in my life who thought they could "fix me" and that by doing so, we would automatically have a successful relationship but people just don't work that way. And even in my last relationship - with a bipolar alcoholic - I wanted to be the one to help/fix him!

 

I sang many of the same songs, "why won't he let me help him?" "I am could make it better for him..."

 

See what I mean? It wasn't you who couldn't HELP her at all! She needs to see and be able to help her herself before she will be capable of a successful relationship.

[Allumere]

I feel numb and broken about this and cant understand what has happened. yes there was too much pressure it seems but she was unwilling to talk to me about them and let me help her with it and if she doubts and fears she wouldnt say about them, the last time she saw me in person she seemed fine if slightly distant but i did think something was up this past week when it seemed she just wasnt that into me any more.

she wouldnt do it face to face and so we ended up doing it with a long and arduous messaging chat, where i realised i just couldn't win now i wonder; did she ever love? truly? or was it all too good to be true

But i will not become like some of the rest of you and become bitter towards her or other women about this, thats not who i am.

 

I too am sorry you are going through this. As most of us have been in your shoes we absolutely understand the pain and confusion. I would personally like to give her a hard shake and a smack for being a coward. This is also a lesson for you. NEVER, EVER BREAK UP OVER EMAIL, TEXT, or TELEPHONE !!! (unless a) there have only been a couple of dates in which a phone call is OK b)the person being dumped is abusive, violent, mentally unstable etc. and further contact could result in physical harm and/or property damage or c) their is verifiable evidence OP has cheated or lied The line about it being too hard to meet and talk...unless one of you has a history of violence it is not only a cowardly move but IMHO a slap in the face. It gives the impression to the dumpee that the relationship had no value/importance and they simply don't care. It is selfish and wrong. Obviously we understand that another person's actions aren't what define us but how we handle/respond to them does BUT in the case of love and relationships for most of us it can rock our sense of selves to the core, exposing or magnifying every flaw we perceive, real or imaginary.

 

You will be fine. It may take weeks, months, a year..but you will be. Don't bury or mask how you feel either cause trust me, it will come back and bite you. You will sort it out in your head. You will either get an understanding of why her love switch went to off or simply accept that it did and it does and spending hours trying to find an answer to a riddle that really isn't serves no purpose. Take it from someone who has been there.

[Allumere]

Men and Women can equally suck in this game. Let me give you my stats... I have NEVER BROKEN UP/LEFT/CHEATED ON/LIED TO a man I was in a committed relationship with (and no I don't lie and have never cheated on anyone for that matter). When I say "I Love You" it means all of you and unconditionally. In my case it has been the men that love value, that being 97 out of 100 of his wants wasn't enough because they know they can score the 100...even if they thought they loved me. Now obviously that is an over simplification as we all know sometimes there is just something that says "they aren't the one" even when on paper every single thing is perfect it does happen. Do I know women who have done the same thing? Of course. Do I know men that value love...absolutely. These behaviors that everyone is in such a habit of saying are male or female (yes, I am guilty too) are not as gender specific as we like to think (so easy to place blame ain't it)...it is specific to individuals.

Edited October 1, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MissBee]

You get a pass because you did bring it up.

 

Though when a woman doesn't talk about any of her issues or feelings, or anything that is bothering her at all, it's impossible to think that her feelings didn't change overnight.

 

My ex was a perfect example of somebody who let it stew in silence.

 

I haven't been following Target's thread but I have the impression that the same thing happened to him. The relationship seemed great, and then it's over. No chance to repair any damage while the relationship was still running.

 

I totally agree.

 

I did say that the problem is that some people never bring it up. I'm not saying you should give them a pass, but sometimes they don't bring it up because they genuinely think maybe they can wait and see versus them being evil people. For me it started that way...I just waited to see if things would smooth out naturally, but it was after it got worse and I could no longer contain my feeling where I told my bf at the time so we could address it (even though after I told him he kept saying all was well...)

 

But my point was to counter the idea you and Target proposed which is that women just change their minds over night and explain to you that although it SEEMS that way it's actually not an overnight, instant change but a process and it's not something women do exclusively but lots of women have also felt their bfs broke up with them overnight or fell out of love instantly, when it was the same process.

[Targetlock]

it feels so strange and sudden and maybe i should have recognised the early warning signs this i guess this wasnt meant to be. i feel no bitterness or anger towards her as i still care for her so much and that i have to let her go though the fact she wouldn't do it face to face because it would have been too hard on both of us (she said it would have been too hard and i wouldn't have been able to let her go ) eventually after some time i will hopefully realise this was for the best.

Also i disagree with Mister Zen on his idea, relationships can't be categorised and all women cant be lumped under one category, everybody is individual and the reasons a relationships ends is so specific to the people involved. i refuse to get bitter about this and resent all women and don't have any bitterness towards my ex about this situation, rather it happened now than much later on and let this drag out.

I actually do doubt that it was a sudden overnight decision and was a much longer issue or something that eventually bubbled to the surface or something

Edited September 30, 2014 by Targetlock

[xxoo]

Sorry about your break up.

 

In a first relationship, it's not easy to tell when it is going well or not. You have no comparison, and it might just feel GREAT! to you to have a partner. This is not so different for girls and their first boyfriend, or first sex partner.

 

Later, with more experience, it is common to look back and realize that it wasn't the ideal relationship you might have thought it was at the time. Already you've pointed out a sexual issue. If in the future you have a partner who really meshes with you sexually, you might realize that the sex in this relationship was lackluster by comparison.

 

So while it was surprising to you, the person in the relationship with more experience might have a clearer understanding that, "This isn't what it should be" and realize that it just isn't going to work between the two of you. at that point, there is nothing to "work on". It is just time to end it. That's why we date, after all. To see if it is a good match.

[Targetlock]

Sorry about your break up.

 

In a first relationship, it's not easy to tell when it is going well or not. You have no comparison, and it might just feel GREAT! to you to have a partner. This is not so different for girls and their first boyfriend, or first sex partner.

 

Later, with more experience, it is common to look back and realize that it wasn't the ideal relationship you might have thought it was at the time. Already you've pointed out a sexual issue. If in the future you have a partner who really meshes with you sexually, you might realize that the sex in this relationship was lackluster by comparison.

 

So while it was surprising to you, the person in the relationship with more experience might have a clearer understanding that, "This isn't what it should be" and realize that it just isn't going to work between the two of you. at that point, there is nothing to "work on". It is just time to end it. That's why we date, after all. To see if it is a good match.

 

Good point i guess, part of the learning curve. will use the lesson i've learnt here to move on, and hopefully become a stronger person from it. i still care enough for her that i hope in the future she can eventually find happiness, shame it wasn't with me still cant let her go and a small part of me still hopes we can work this out, as i think she still loves me but her fears and doubts scared her away or something, awkward to figure out i guess :/ i will wait and see what happens, maybe let her go and move on.

Edited September 30, 2014 by Targetlock

[fortyninethousand322]

I've had a long time to think this whole mess over and it comes down to this:

 

She had issues but she wouldn't let someone like myself help her with them because she just didn't want to become an issue and try and get on with her life. she couldn't understand that i wanted to help and be there for her. i think her worries and doubts scared her away, and how we should would keep saying how i wasn't right for her and that i would eventually realise that so yeah my guess is her fears and worries have scared her away from this and she couldn't deal with the pressure of it.

 

And just so you i know her past serious relationship was a bad abusive one so i guess there is some issues left over, fort example she views sex as a form of control and got really bothered by the fact that i wanted it a lot more than she did. she thought it was because it would be okay with the right person or something but it wasn't true and felt it unfair that i would have to compromise for her, she is so stubborn and just wont talk to me about it. it all comes down to her not letting me in and helping, some people just don't want helping it seems, no matter how much they are struggling

 

I feel like i have thrown so much of myself at this, i gave it my all and i have nothing left to give and feel drained and broken glad i finally lost my virginity but at the moment feels like a hollow victory.

I doubt this can be saved to be honest but time heals all wounds and i will ready and more experienced for any possible future relationships

 

I haven't followed your threads that closely (sorry), but how old are you?

 

Few things in life make a relationship totally untenable, so my guess (and it's only a guess) is that your inexperience was the deciding factor.

 

The good news is that you are now more experienced and have a reservoir of said experience to draw from for the next relationship you have. As long as you look forward with a positive attitude rather than look backwards with a negative attitude (not saying you are, just giving general advice).

[Teraskas]

It happened to me, it happened to Target and it seems like it happened to a couple of other guys who posted in this thread.

 

We've experienced a woman suddenly ending a relationship that seemed to be going perfectly fine.

 

While I doubt that a woman instantly changes her feelings, that is exactly what it looks like to the guy.

 

My ex actually went out of her way to deceive me and pretend that the relationship was fine.

 

BTW, I completely agreed with the last half of your post so I gave you a like

 

Indeed. What you mentioned reminds me a lot of the end of my past relationship. Been almost 3 years now yet I can still remember it like it happened yesterday.

 

Unfortunately, what I think it comes down to most of the time is the maturity level of said partners.

Women claim to be 'several years ahead' with regards to maturity, but I haven't seen it with regards to relationships and dating at all to be honest.

 

The more I think of it, the more it Always seems to be a combination of lack of maturity and communication.

Heck, there was never a chance to repair the situation, let alone alert me that something serious was going on.

 

To me, the very fact that I've been cheated on twice was further proof that they wanted something they couldn't have, and couldn't appreciate what they actually DID have in the present moment.

To me, that looked like a complete 180 with regards to feelings.

[Els]

Are some of you guys REALLY still trying to instigate gender warfare through 4 pages of Target's breakup thread??? Jesus. Talk about unempathic and insensitive.

 

it feels so strange and sudden and maybe i should have recognised the early warning signs this i guess this wasnt meant to be. i feel no bitterness or anger towards her as i still care for her so much and that i have to let her go though the fact she wouldn't do it face to face because it would have been too hard on both of us (she said it would have been too hard and i wouldn't have been able to let her go ) eventually after some time i will hopefully realise this was for the best.

Also i disagree with Mister Zen on his idea, relationships can't be categorised and all women cant be lumped under one category, everybody is individual and the reasons a relationships ends is so specific to the people involved. i refuse to get bitter about this and resent all women and don't have any bitterness towards my ex about this situation, rather it happened now than much later on and let this drag out.

I actually do doubt that it was a sudden overnight decision and was a much longer issue or something that eventually bubbled to the surface or something

 

Yeah, it was probably a longstanding issue. I think as people get older and more experienced, they get better at handling issues in Rs and communicating about them. Your ex clearly has a lot to learn. As for you, well, at least you've gotten your first relationship out of the way! I mean, you've learnt a lot too, yeah? Don't you think your experiences here will help you in future Rs?

 

For the record, I was a bit surprised that you two were spending so much time with each others' families so early in the R. But I didn't say anything because I know culture plays a big part in this, so I was uncertain as to what was the norm in your culture as opposed to mine. Perhaps, if you think this might be a factor, in the future it might be a good idea to keep the big meetings with families for after the 2 month mark? It feels a bit like moving too fast.

 

Good point i guess, part of the learning curve. will use the lesson i've learnt here to move on, and hopefully become a stronger person from it. i still care enough for her that i hope in the future she can eventually find happiness, shame it wasn't with me still cant let her go and a small part of me still hopes we can work this out, as i think she still loves me but her fears and doubts scared her away or something, awkward to figure out i guess :/ i will wait and see what happens, maybe let her go and move on.

 

This is normal in the early stages. Stay strong, keep NC.

[somedude81]

Are some of you guys REALLY still trying to instigate gender warfare through 4 pages of Target's breakup thread??? Jesus. Talk about unempathic and insensitive.

 

Nothing in the entire world exemplifies a gender war better than a guy being suddenly dumped by his girlfriend/wife.