The Fairytale is over :(

[MissBee]

Nothing in the entire world exemplifies a gender war better than a guy being suddenly dumped by his girlfriend/wife.

 

 

Being broken up with is not a "gender war" it's called...people are free to leave relationships when they're not working.

 

I think xxoo's advice is spot on.

 

At the end of the day in a relationship we have two different people with different needs, wants and perspectives. One may experience the relationship in one way and the other person a whole other way. Which is why communicating is important. When a breakup is not mutual it will NEVER be pleasant, but there definitely is something to learn going forward or you can choose not to learn anything besides the jaded opinion that women just break up with you for no reason.

Edited October 1, 2014 by MissBee

[fortyninethousand322]

Nothing in the entire world exemplifies a gender war better than a guy being suddenly dumped by his girlfriend/wife.

 

I'm not sure it was "sudden". Just like I'm not sure a 300 lb person who dies of a heart attack died "suddenly". They were dying for a while but didn't know it.

[braindamage]

I totally agree.

I did say that the problem is that some people never bring it up. I'm not saying you should give them a pass, but sometimes they don't bring it up because they genuinely think maybe they can wait and see versus them being evil people.

 

There are more reasons. For me it was a combination. One of these was fear that pointing out what I didn't like about the relarionship or ending it would make look like a jackass. The other one was pity since my partner obviously was in a bad place at that time - I just couldn't get it over my heart to bail.

 

Of course they're not the right choices but you live and learn.

[Targetlock]

Maybe she always had doubts or something from the onset. the best thing i can do is accept it is over and move on with my life. she ended it, so if she wants me needs to come get me i'm not contacting her, though it is hard not to and there is still a part of me that hopes she will try.

But i have learned a lot from and it will help me with this for any future relationships.

Edited October 1, 2014 by Targetlock

[Targetlock]

I think at the end of the day it came down to a lack of real communication and me being inexperienced and getting too carried away even though it was hard not to.

The things about this that hurt the most about this:

 

1. She couldn't do it face to face and that makes me wonder if she truly cared or she was doubting the break-up decision all together.

 

2. the fact she wouldn't communicate to me her worries face to face or give it another chance i just couldn't win her back it seems.

 

3. The fact that i lost my virginity to her and then a week later she breaks up, feels like a hollow victory.

[d0nnivain]

It's very difficult to break up with somebody. When you are the dumper, you hate being the source of pain for somebody you used to care about it. That's why she was too cowardly to do it face to face. Because she did care & didn't want to hurt you. It also ties into her communications issues.

 

The V-card well . . . . that stinks. You wanted that out of the way & now it is. If you felt like you wasted it. . . didn't get to give it to the love of your life, I may have different advice for you but I don't hear you saying that.

 

Most of your posts do reveal your emotional pain but all are tempered by logic & reason. That assures me that you will survive this & come out stronger for it.

[Scales]

I think at the end of the day it came down to a lack of real communication and me being inexperienced and getting too carried away even though it was hard not to.

The things about this that hurt the most about this:

 

1. She couldn't do it face to face and that makes me wonder if she truly cared or she was doubting the break-up decision all together.

 

2. the fact she wouldn't communicate to me her worries face to face or give it another chance i just couldn't win her back it seems.

 

3. The fact that i lost my virginity to her and then a week later she breaks up, feels like a hollow victory.

 

The truth is that you will never know the real reason she is breaking up with you. Stuff she says about her being doubtful and fearful is just an attempt to put the pain on herself. She isn't taking responsibility for putting a dagger in your back, and is instead choosing to drift into the shadows. I know you don't want to believe she is a "bad" person, and she's probably not. It doesn't change the fact she dropped the bomb on you instead of communicating beforehand. She is not as innocent as you think.

 

I rarely find women communicate their feelings directly. They specialize in indirect communication. Before the female readers come at me with pitchforks for generalizing, I don't mean this in a negative way. I have just found in my own relationship experience that this is the way it usually has been. Reading between the lines is incredibly necessary. This is why people play games. Both genders have trouble communicating their needs overtly, and direct communication has never been sexy. It's dry like a job interview.

 

I can also attest to be being blindsided by a girl who dumped me by text completely out of the blue. We literally just had gone on an amazing date the week before. I was shocked but more so relieved. I've got no respect for those that text dump. There are much better girls out there, and there are a lot of them. Not going to spend my money or emotional energy on someone who doesn't have the decency or courage to break it off like an adult.

 

Sorry your V-card wasn't super meaningful in the end, but it's a lot better than other people's experiences. At least you didn't lose it in the back of a pickup truck or something (not my experience), or to someone you barely knew while you were drunk (sort of my experience). Virginity is only a big deal to virgins. To everyone else, it's like "oh yeah that was my first time. haha."

Edited October 1, 2014 by Scales

[Targetlock]

it just hurts that i thought it was with the love of my life and after all this i still love. i'm willing to give her a certain amount of time and after that if she hasn't contacted me then accept its over, i may come to that realisation myself before hand time is the best healer. i will throw myself into my new job and hobbies and carry on.

[SoThatHappened]

Good job, Targetlock. You're looking at this rationally. That's somewhat rare, but keep doing it.

 

It's a life experience for you. That's it. You'll have plenty more.

 

One day you'll look back on this (after more experience) and probably chuckle to yourself a little bit.

 

We all don't hit a homerun the first time at bat. You're in the majority, not the minority.

 

Sounds like you're already doing it, but continue to learn from this and be glad you have experience in the sack as well as experience with a relationship now.

 

You just grew, buddy!

[somedude81]

Honestly Target,

 

I don't think you've known her long enough to be in love with her at all. You've known her for about three months? And you guys weren't even friends before you started dating.

 

Also, you didn't really pursue her and just fell into a relationship.

 

It really sounds like you two were just infatuated with each other, and her feelings got burnt out.

 

Also, you only had sex twice which isn't enough for any of the bonding hormones to start.

 

Yeah it sucks that you lost your virginity in that situation, so she will always be special to her.

 

Right now the best thing you can do is figure out what you did this time and make sure that you don't make the same mistakes with the next girl.

[Targetlock]

the only real mistake i think i made was getting carried away and rushing things maybe, but then again i couldn't help it this was my first real one for me its a learning experience i guess. i still have those feelings for her and secretly hope she will contact me but i doubt it will happen maybe i just want proper closure or something?

Maybe she got scared of commitment and how serious this was getting and bolted at the first chance maybe i'm still not angry at her, just disappointed she ended like this and through this method.

[Targetlock]

Ive had a few days to think this is over and i realise even after all this i still love her. so i am probably going to regret this but i will wait a few more weeks and then make one last bid attempt to save this relationship, if this fails i can then accept this is over and begin moving on.

[Priv]

Ive had a few days to think this is over and i realise even after all this i still love her. so i am probably going to regret this but i will wait a few more weeks and then make one last bid attempt to save this relationship, if this fails i can then accept this is over and begin moving on.

 

You are torturing yourself man. Don't go the route of keeping hope and trying for a few weeks. Even if she comes back it is not because you held hope. Try focusing on yourself and keeping this in perspective; you dated 2 months and it didn't work out. Why don't you start working out. Reread the whole skinny legs thread you made and start following up on some of that advice. You will feel better because of it.

[organizedchaos]

Ive had a few days to think this is over and i realise even after all this i still love her. so i am probably going to regret this but i will wait a few more weeks and then make one last bid attempt to save this relationship, if this fails i can then accept this is over and begin moving on.

 

Bad idea. Up to her to save it and you know where she stands. Stay silent.

[Targetlock]

she beat me to it and i got some closure. it started on facebook it ended on facebook it seems

 

I haven't unfriended you on here to be malicious, I've done it to help you, i don't put negative parts of my life on facebook so to you and your mum it probably looks like i don't have a care in the world but i keep that part of my life off Facebook, thanks for all the good times and i wish you all the best

 

This in reference to the fact my status have understandily been a bit down recently while hers she has carried on as if nothing had happened. my response:

 

Okay, i wish you all the best. Keep the gifts as a reminder of all the great times we had together and how great we were. I wish you all the happiness in the world and hope that you will be able t find that right man for you. I hold no grudges or anger towards you or your family.

 

Such a shame for it to have ended this way and not face to face guess i just have to accept that it is over, and she wants nothing more to do with me or giving this relationship another chance.

[organizedchaos]

she beat me to it and i got some closure. it started on facebook it ended on facebook it seems

 

I haven't unfriended you on here to be malicious, I've done it to help you, i don't put negative parts of my life on facebook so to you and your mum it probably looks like i don't have a care in the world but i keep that part of my life off Facebook, thanks for all the good times and i wish you all the best

 

This in reference to the fact my status have understandily been a bit down recently while hers she has carried on as if nothing had happened. my response:

 

Okay, i wish you all the best. Keep the gifts as a reminder of all the great times we had together and how great we were. I wish you all the happiness in the world and hope that you will be able t find that right man for you. I hold no grudges or anger towards you or your family.

 

Such a shame for it to have ended this way and not face to face guess i just have to accept that it is over, and she wants nothing more to do with me or giving this relationship another chance.

 

Just goes to show you can't always use Facebook as a gauge of one's happiness. Take solace in the fact that she probably is sad it's over but wants to keep an appearance of happiness to everyone online.

[Targetlock]

Its just still so sudden and a shock still hurts how she ended it and the fact that i had lost my virginity with her a week before also hurts too

[somedude81]

Its just still so sudden and a shock still hurts how she ended it and the fact that i had lost my virginity with her a week before also hurts too

 

Do you wish you never had sex with her?

[Frank2thepoint]

I am sorry about your situation Targetlock. I agree with that you did go too fast, placed a lot of pressure on the girl. No one wants to feel pressure or demands. In a relationship you need to pace yourself. There is nothing wrong with showing your emotion and your excitement for having someone in your life. That affirms to the other person that they are special to you. You just have to enjoy each others company, especially one step at a time.

 

I understand you are heartbroken and I feel your pain. I too have just recently gone through a breakup and it hurts and it sucks. But like me, you too will heal and learn. Chalk it up as experience. Most importantly, do not dwell on it for too long. You will need to let her go, and just focus on yourself in anyway that suits you.

 

 

 

 

I don't know any guy who has ever just fallen out of love. I'm sure they exist, but I believe that women "fall out of love" far more frequently than men.

 

I have fallen out of love with my first three ex-girlfriends and broke up with them. First two didn't respect me, the third didn't know what she wanted. Now, recently, my fourth ex-girlfriend is the only one that has fallen out of love with me and ended the relationship suddenly. Maybe I'm just lucky with my odds.

 

 

 

 

It sounds to me like she's an introvert. As an introvert myself (probably even bordering on antisocial), I cannot live without my space. I completely get your girlfriend. She's feeling burnt out. I don't know if you read my post from the other thread, but I got to that point in my own relationship. It wasn't that drastic like your case, but I did want to see my man less (I was seeing him 5 times a week, most times it was all day- hey, it was summer!). I didn't have time for hobbies, I didn't have time to work out, read books, crochet, listen to music, watch movies and all the things I normally did when I was single. I was still very happy to have a boyfriend but I needed a bit of a break from the intense frequency to go do my own thing and have my "me" time. It took two weeks or so of "me" time, though I still saw him once a week, to "right" myself. I did communicate that to my man- that I just wanted a bit of "me" time because I didn't have time for my hobbies anymore and I missed doing them. Personally for me, its very difficult to go from spending most of my days completely alone, to seeing someone all day, 5 times a week. The honeymoon period ended abruptly for me as well. I'm still with my man, and he means more to me than ever before. Just because I wanted "me" time, it didn't mean I didn't care for him anymore.

 

Thanks for sharing CrystalCastles. This is quite awesome, because communication is key in a relationship. It is difficult sometimes to express oneself properly and clearly, but no matter how much you may struggle with blurting out what you mean, it is still very important you make the attempt.

 

 

 

 

As the poster right below you said, its a communication issue and isn't some inherent characteristic of all women. Clearly Target's girlfriend failed to properly communicate, hence why he doesn't even know what she was talking about when she said "pressure"! I think its more a maturity issue. A mature woman, IMO, would let the man she is dating, the man who has feelings for her and risked his heart- made himself vulnerable- for her, know what's happening on her side. I think its very immature to hurt someone because you failed to mention crucial details and left your SO in the dark.

 

This is why I sat my man down and made it very clear that, when the honey moon period came to an end, for me, and I needed some "me" time, it did not at all mean I was dumping him or I wasn't interested in the relationship or he did something wrong. I mean, look at poor Target here at his wit's end. To do the same to my man and have him all distressed, worried and upset because he'd think he screwed up would be so cruel.

 

It's great you considered his feelings and didn't want to break the relationship apart just because you wanted "me" time. Also, it is great your man also understood your need. I have recently broken up, as mentioned above, where my ex suddenly ended the relationship. She had felt uneasy about me for a while, and never made me privy to her thoughts. I wish she did share much sooner, we could of talked it out, communicated, and maybe resolved it. It hurt very much she kept me in the dark for such a long time.

 

 

 

 

However, having just broken it off with my ex like a week ago, I can tell you that it's not in an instant where you "fall out of love" or your feelings change. It seems like those who don't understand this tend to be folks who've never broken up with someone so can't actually grasp how it feels on the other person's end. I was also that way until I did my own share of breaking up and I began to see the "dumper's" position with a lot more understanding where before it seemed irrational and out of left field but it's often not. The main problem is that the dumper usually has their doubts and feel these feelings of things being off or not right for a while and choose not to say anything, sometimes thinking they will give it time to improve and then when it doesn't sometimes they just "explode" and end things. But guaranteed for most they haven't suddenly lost their minds and in an instant break it off.

 

I agree with this MissBee. I agree that as the dumper, it doesn't end suddenly. There is a lot of thoughts and emotions going on to make decision about the future of the relationship. I have weighed them logically and emotionally. In the end, I made the decision to end things because I wasn't respected. For me, I also communicated my concerns during the turmoil, as best as I could at the time of my relationships. Communication is an art, one that requires some finesse but a lot of practice. But the dumpee can easily see it as a sudden state of insanity on part of the dumper, if there wasn't any communication or the dumpee was completely blind and deaf to any communicated concerns.

 

 

 

 

She had issues but she wouldn't let someone like myself help her with them because she just didn't want to become an issue and try and get on with her life. she couldn't understand that i wanted to help and be there for her. i think her worries and doubts scared her away, and how we should would keep saying how i wasn't right for her and that i would eventually realise that so yeah my guess is her fears and worries have scared her away from this and she couldn't deal with the pressure of it.

 

 

Target, the bottom line is that you can NOT fix someone. And a good relationship does not automatically help those who are hurting.

 

This is critical and I want to hammer it into your head. And I take umbrage to Somedude's comment that she was "damaged goods." Yes, she was damaged as most people with issues are damaged, but it simply means that she - herself - has to fix her problems on her own before she is ready to be in a positive, affirming relationship.

 

...

 

See what I mean? It wasn't you who couldn't HELP her at all! She needs to see and be able to help her herself before she will be capable of a successful relationship.

 

I'm sorry to hear this. Somethings like this has happened to me as well with my most recent ex-girlfriend. I too wanted to be there for her, be patient, figured it would bring us closer together, and build a strong relationship. Alas, she didn't think the same. But I do agree with CarrieT, that you cannot fix her, only she could do that herself. The best way you could of helped was just being patient and understanding. If you conveyed this, and she still wasn't buying into it, then there is nothing you could of done.

[Targetlock]

Do you wish you never had sex with her?

 

No because of how we both felt at the time, though its just a shame that this was supposed to be the next step in our relationship and bring us closer and that she didnt enjoy it that much, viewing it as control or something :/

And i tried to be there for her and be as supportive and understanding as i could and tried everything i could but she wouldn't let me or seem to understand why i would be over other girls almost seems like she has fled or something, the fact she couldn't do it face to face i guess is over the guilt she feels i guess or something.

Today is the first day since the break-up that i have started to feel like myself again as i have realised that this is over and i can begin healing and moving on and chalk this up as experience.

[TigerLilly78]

Well, I'm living proof that it happens. As are probably most men on here. Not ALL women, no. But a surprising amount, as I have learned.

 

You're speaking in generalizations and I understand that. But, women are so much more emotionally driven than men.

 

I don't say this to start a war of the sexes. I LOVE women... mom, sis, every potential suitor on the planet!

 

Typically, a guy who has a great girl and is happy, doesn't just dump her because he met another hot girl who MAY be better for him. He may try to get with that hot girl (to cheat) or flirt with her, but he's not gonna leave a girl he truly loves. He thinks logically and practically about the situation. Not saying that we're not pigs because we want to hook up with every woman, but a normal guy will not leave a great girl for an unsure thing.

 

I've never seen such a varied range of emotions in such a short amount of time (literally minutes) than I've seen with a woman. And not just one woman, but most that I've romantically dated since I was 16.

 

The range of emotions between men and women varies greatly, and how men and women decide on "the one" also varies greatly.

 

I think that the "in love" period can be cutoff in an instant with a woman (emotionally), but men will take the time to look at it more logically than emotionally if they're in love and something happens to make them second-guess things.

 

Hate me for saying the above, but that's been my experience for 34 years (18 years of dating).

 

OP, I have felt your pain. The only things you can do involve becoming a ghost and working on yourself, physically and mentally. Cut any ties, block her from every form of communication. If she wants you back, she'll knock down your door to tell you. Do NOT give in to breadcrumbs.

 

The only way to get her back is by becoming a ghost. The double-whammy is that you heal during that time you're in NC and you may come out of it not wanting her at all anymore.

 

 

In my 36 years of life ive had my share of relationships and I can only remember maybe 2 that I cut the chord on myself the others? the guy found a new girl and moved on few even cheated right up until the end so men do this also! women are just more likely to flat out end a relationship sooner then men I believe...Anyways im so sorry Target hopeful after you give her some space you guys can talk again and things come right..

[SoThatHappened]

women are just more likely to flat out end a relationship sooner then men I believe...

 

That was my point. And this is coming from a woman. ^^^

 

I've dated a few women. Not a lot, but a few. In each relationship, I analyzed things logically, especially when I wasn't "feeling it" with the girl. I thought, "okay, she doesn't feel like the one, but think about it. Can this work? Can she change? Can we grow together? Can we be compatible?"

 

If the answer to those questions was "no", I cut the cord the best way possible. BUT, it was only after analyzing and giving her the benefit of the doubt.

 

However, the women that cut things off with me did it in an instant, when there were no problems at all. They weren't "feeling it" maybe, or someone else came into the picture, or whatever. They decided immediately I wasn't the one, and they cut it off, even when things could have been worked out.

 

My point is, Target, don't beat yourself up over this. It doesn't sound like you are, but heartbreak is a crappy thing to go through so give yourself a break. A switch may have gone off with your ex, emotionally, that made her cut things off. Does it make sense? ... nope. Likely not to anyone but her.

 

She may regret it. She may find that you're the best guy she could have ever been with. She may miss you. She will always think fondly of you.

 

However, the way she FEELS is out of your control, and trying to understand it is an absolute waste of energy.

 

The best way to focus that energy is on your self-improvement.

 

You went through some big steps in life: losing your virginity and getting heartbroken all within a short amount of time. You just got a ton of experience in a short amount of time.

 

You're gonna be fine

[TigerLilly78]

That was my point. And this is coming from a woman. ^^^

 

I've dated a few women. Not a lot, but a few. In each relationship, I analyzed things logically, especially when I wasn't "feeling it" with the girl. I thought, "okay, she doesn't feel like the one, but think about it. Can this work? Can she change? Can we grow together? Can we be compatible?"

 

If the answer to those questions was "no", I cut the cord the best way possible. BUT, it was only after analyzing and giving her the benefit of the doubt.

 

However, the women that cut things off with me did it in an instant, when there were no problems at all. They weren't "feeling it" maybe, or someone else came into the picture, or whatever. They decided immediately I wasn't the one, and they cut it off, even when things could have been worked out.

 

 

Im not sure your getting what I was saying men also do this they just drag it out a little longer after they have decided to end things in essence they cheat how on earth is that better then a women just ending a relationship? ive also had guys end it quick as well some times with no explanations..

[TigerLilly78]

However, the women that cut things off with me did it in an instant, when there were no problems at all. They weren't "feeling it" maybe, or someone else came into the picture, or whatever. They decided immediately I wasn't the one, and they cut it off, even when things could have been worked out.

 

Also no one just ends a relashionship for zero reason there is always some reason there is always some problem its just wither or not that problem is communicated or not and when it ends like that its prob not so its built up until its no longer tolerable for the dumper be it male or female..

[SoThatHappened]

Im not sure your getting what I was saying men also do this they just drag it out a little longer after they have decided to end things in essence they cheat how on earth is that better then a women just ending a relationship? ive also had guys end it quick as well some times with no explanations..

I think we're proving each other's points here.

 

I'm absolutely NOT saying one way is better than the other. I actually think that the way women do it in an instant is better than dragging things out. And I'm not condoning cheating in any way, just that men cheat rather than breakup because they look at things differently.

 

I think that, typically, women "feel" it and then cut it off instead of thinking it through. I think men don't let emotions rule the decision, but think about it logically instead. Even if that man strays and cheats, he doesn't let any "feelings" make his decision for him. He lets the little head make some rash, unemotional decisions that have nothing to do with his feelings for his SO.

 

This is my experience anyway, and maybe I'm the odd-man-out.

 

Either way, Target, you're doing well. Keep posting here and learning about the differences between us and the fairer sex. It will help you a lot in the long-run.