Considering leaving my partner of 10 years

[littleplanet]

My gosh I don’t know what to say. I certainly didn’t expect to come back this morning and find all of this.

 

Thank you to those who provided me with advice/encouragement that wasn’t condescending or nasty. I’m not proud of my feelings or behaviour, nor should I be, and I’m sure it was tough for you to hold back but thank you.

 

Yes, as another poster mentioned I have been unhappy for a long time, and perhaps meeting this guy was the push I needed, but I still stand by my feelings for him. I always said if I ever mustered up the guts to end it, I’d let myself be single for a year but instead I met this man. If anything a small part of me is disappointed it turned out this way.

 

My partner and I have nothing in common anymore. I am not sure we ever did. I was drawn to him as a hero figure and I stayed with him because I liked feeling safe and because my family loved him. Recently I’ve taken a step back and realised this isn’t what I want my life to be. You happy?

 

 

Yep. I'm happy because I chose well.

 

But the bitterness that comes from long term bad choices pickles the world in a lot more sour than sweet, doesn't it?

Your fella had ten good years to work with. That's a lot of chances to turn it around.

Reasons for staying with someone (outside of an absolutely solid partnership) can easily turn into fear of making a change, even if that is what is required.

 

We can always be vulnerable to meeting someone new if we're fundamentally unhappy in the relationship we're in.

Ten years is a long time - especially if this has been the case since the early years. Was your family more in love with this man than you were?

 

Sometimes, people just don't know what they're missing......until they see it in someone else's eyes.

But you're right. Often these things can feel better (as hard as it is) if you make the break into a time of being single again.

But then..........you're leaving someone for nobody. You're saying to them nothing is better than their 'something.'

So which is worse?

 

When you feel no love, and no attraction....that truth needs to not be buried in denial and martyred sacrifice (devoted to which altar of ethical nobility?)

As if.......the unloved one never guessed? Never knew? Didn't see it coming?

Some people just shut it all down. Turn it off. It doesn't matter anymore.

But obviously, it does.

Incompatibility is what it is. Ten months, or ten years doesn't change that fact.

I'd still recommend honest discussion before you do anything else.

[SycamoreCircle]

If anything a small part of me is disappointed it turned out this way.

 

My partner and I have nothing in common anymore. I am not sure we ever did.

 

Aw, man... This sounds verbatim like the same garbage my girlfriend told me as she ended "the most loving, secure"(her words some few weeks back) relationship. I didn't know at the time that she was heading straight for the other man's place.

 

She said to me, "I'm sad it had to turn out like this." Utter BS. I read her e-mails to her girlfriends where she just lambasted me like I wasn't worthy of human life.

 

"My partner and I have nothing in common anymore..." Please. Cut the feigned self-awareness. You're some foolish, selfish kid that wants what they want when they want it. Like so many others before you, you're not on LS for advice, you just want that little extra nudge to do what you're gonna' do.

[DKT3]

I've gone back and read the other stuff you've posted here and you have been using this guy for a long time and wasted a lot of his years. This whole time you have been on the prowl. I find it hard to believe your not a serial cheater.

 

I'm not saying this to judge you, my point is your not in love with this guy, hell you aren't even attracted and mentioned you can't stand to have sex with him. I'm saying this because you need to get honest. This other guy is what you want and you've wanted it for a long time. Just end it already then leave the guy alone. Don't go running back when this new man is done with you. He deserves better, he deserves someone who loves him for who he is and not for what he can do for her.

 

Put on your big girl panties and let go of the sercurity blanket. Your a grown woman provide your own safety net.

[No Limit]

Time to grow up. Take responsibility for your actions.

[Diezel]

I can’t keep coming back to look at these comments. I feel like I’m going to throw up.

 

Truth has that effect on people some times.

Sorry if when you looked into the audience, you didn't see a standing ovation.

[SawtoothMars]

He approached me and started talking to me. He told me he is in a band and asked me if I would be interested in catching a show. Feeling an incredible spark between us, I said "I probably shouldn't. I'd like to, but I shouldn't..." He got the picture and figured out I was already taken.

 

I agree that you should leave your current relationship. It sounds barren and lifeless... plus it may give your guy the kick in the butt he needs to change his life around.

 

However... PLEASE don't fall for some douche in a band! I'm so damn tired of hearing women fall all over themselves for these losers. Don't get me wrong a handful are decent guys... but by far the majority are cheats and losers.

[CarrieT]

My partner and I have nothing in common anymore. I am not sure we ever did. I was drawn to him as a hero figure and I stayed with him because I liked feeling safe and because my family loved him. Recently I’ve taken a step back and realised this isn’t what I want my life to be. You happy?

This happens a lot during the process of establishing the Affair Fog.

 

You are on the precipice of it as an "Emotional Affair" in that you have seen what the alternatives are/could be and it puts a microscope on the situation you are in and amplifies all the little things that have been lying the background.

 

It is not a complicated process, but happens frequently. You will see it if you read through the Indiscretion forum; "I've met a girl at work who gives me butterflies and now see all the things wrong with my wife..." It is the same story with different players.

 

This is why we who HAVE been there heartily recommend breaking up with the current partner regardless if the other guy becomes a relationship or not. It is obvious you are not happy and it is not a satisfying relationship. I do - however - believe you *should* be on your own and single for a while before commencing another relationship.

[SycamoreCircle]

This is why we who HAVE been there heartily recommend breaking up with the current partner regardless if the other guy becomes a relationship or not. It is obvious you are not happy and it is not a satisfying relationship. I do - however - believe you *should* be on your own and single for a while before commencing another relationship.

 

But I would interject that the problem is not necessarily that it is not a satisfying relationship, it is that the OP is not at a level of maturity that she can appreciate it. She's never been on her own. She doesn't know herself. She doesn't know self-sufficiency. No romantic partner is going to give her that.

[Cristo]

Aw, man... This sounds verbatim like the same garbage my girlfriend told me as she ended "the most loving, secure"(her words some few weeks back) relationship. I didn't know at the time that she was heading straight for the other man's place.

 

She said to me, "I'm sad it had to turn out like this." Utter BS. I read her e-mails to her girlfriends where she just lambasted me like I wasn't worthy of human life.

 

"My partner and I have nothing in common anymore..." Please. Cut the feigned self-awareness. You're some foolish, selfish kid that wants what they want when they want it. Like so many others before you, you're not on LS for advice, you just want that little extra nudge to do what you're gonna' do.

 

This.

 

Truly awful, OP. I wonder, based on your post, what kind of person you have to be to get any sleep at night.

 

There's a clear lack of values displayed throughout this thread by the OP.

[Cristo]

Nothing. Someone just said I am looking for encouragement, not advice. I didn’t want to use “advice” and have them correct me.

 

I was actually feeling quite good today. Ready to take the plunge and sure of what I want but now I don’t know. I can’t keep coming back to look at these comments. I feel like I’m going to throw up.

 

That's because this forum is providing you with TRUE self-awareness and the truth bothers you.

[Spectre]

My gosh I don’t know what to say. I certainly didn’t expect to come back this morning and find all of this.

 

I'm almost curious as to what you DID expect to find then. People patting you on the back? I don't get it.

 

Thank you to those who provided me with advice/encouragement that wasn’t condescending or nasty. I’m not proud of my feelings or behaviour, nor should I be, and I’m sure it was tough for you to hold back but thank you.

 

So in other words..thank you to all the people who just told me what I wanted to hear..and screw everyone else who dropped a nice big plate of truth on my lap. Gotcha!

 

Yes, as another poster mentioned I have been unhappy for a long time, and perhaps meeting this guy was the push I needed, but I still stand by my feelings for him. I always said if I ever mustered up the guts to end it, I’d let myself be single for a year but instead I met this man. If anything a small part of me is disappointed it turned out this way.

 

If you are unhappy leave, don't stay with the poor guy and then go and drop this huge bomb on him. You have obviously been unhappy for a while, which means you were living a lie. Thing is? You at least KNEW it, your partner did not..so it is utterly selfish on your part to of kept quiet for so long.

 

My partner and I have nothing in common anymore. I am not sure we ever did. I was drawn to him as a hero figure and I stayed with him because I liked feeling safe and because my family loved him. Recently I’ve taken a step back and realised this isn’t what I want my life to be. You happy?

 

Okay so you come saying you are shocked by replies but then you say things like this. You never had anything in common, you were drawn to him for utterly superficial and shallow reasons, and only stayed with him because your family loved him..all the while not informing him how you felt. So, I miss anything or does that about sum you up?

 

Recently I’ve taken a step back and realised this isn’t what I want my life to be. You happy?

 

No , I'll be happy once you leave your poor husband. The only unfortunate thing is you can't give him back the last decade of his life. Please do the right thing and don't steal away anymore years from this man. Go be with prince charming or just go be single, anything other then staying.

Edited October 2, 2014 by Spectre

[jack20]

With all the negative threads this girl posts about this relationship over the past 5 years, why even bother with it anymore??? JUST LEAVE HIM ALREADY AND GIVE HIM A CHANCE AT HAPPINESS!!!

[Spectre]

With all the negative threads this girl posts about this relationship over the past 5 years, why even bother with it anymore??? JUST LEAVE HIM ALREADY AND GIVE HIM A CHANCE AT HAPPINESS!!!

 

This is the culture we live in now. People would rather play the victim and martyr themselves and sit and suffer in silence until eventually they snap. It is the same here, the OP suffered in silence for so long(for NO REASON AT ALL) and one day, bam! Wants to get with another dude all of a sudden. Now it's "this guy is fat, we have nothing in common, etc.".

 

I just don't get it, is talking about your problems that hard that people go to this big of a length in order to avoid it? They put it off and put it off until the only way out is to shatter the lives of everyone involved..all because they didn't want to deal with an uncomfortable situation? I just don't get people.

 

See the thing is, people say the guy is 48 and can still meet someone and that is true..except, after this? I'd be shattered, I'd have a hard time trusting ANY woman after this. Then add in that he is overweight, so probably might not have the highest amount of confidence in the world already? This might just cause him to give up trying. I've seen it before. This is why people need to think before they decide to sit and suffer in silence and have emotional affairs, etc. You are doing damage that will stay around with this guy LONG after you have moved on to some other person.

Edited October 2, 2014 by Spectre

[Keke1]

You're basically ready to do whatever after a freaking week???? This musician is thinking, I got her. This one's gone be easyyyyy. All he needed to see was if you were willing to step out on your guy. Lol fish in a barrel. Its all a game

[Justanaverageguy]

Thank you to those who provided me with advice/encouragement that wasn’t condescending or nasty. I’m not proud of my feelings or behavior, nor should I be, and I’m sure it was tough for you to hold back but thank you.

 

Yes, as another poster mentioned I have been unhappy for a long time, and perhaps meeting this guy was the push I needed, but I still stand by my feelings for him. I always said if I ever mustered up the guts to end it, I’d let myself be single for a year but instead I met this man. If anything a small part of me is disappointed it turned out this way.

 

My partner and I have nothing in common anymore. I am not sure we ever did. I was drawn to him as a hero figure and I stayed with him because I liked feeling safe and because my family loved him. Recently I’ve taken a step back and realised this isn’t what I want my life to be. You happy?

 

I had some pretty direct words for you earlier so I will tone it down and try and give some constructive feedback / advice like you asked for. I read a few of your older posts and it's clear you're done with the relationship. For your partners and your own future happiness I think you should end it. What it really comes down to is how you end it. You spent 10 years with this guy so you obviously care for him a lot - regardless of the love / don't love him question. How could you not after 10 years together ? Ending the relationship WILL hurt him badly. That can't be avoided. But you do get some measure of control over how badly.

 

In life we all have hard decisions to make and we have to live with the consequences. It’s easy to be a “good person” when everything is fine and happy and smooth sailing. But I think you learn the most about a person – and indeed yourself – by how you act when things aren't great – when things aren't smooth sailing. When the decision you have to make isn't an easy one and may even require you to sacrifice something of yourself to make it.

 

But it is in the hard times and through the hard decisions that a person defines who they are. Not just to others around them - but to themselves. Do you want to be the woman who cheated on and left her partner of 10 years, a man who had been good to her and supported her, for a "guy in a band" she knew for 2 weeks? Is that the kind of person you are? Is that something you want to live with for the rest of your life ? I ask this because from my experience its quite likely what your pursuing with this other guy will not last and you may well be left pondering this in the near future when the dust settles.

 

Why not take your attraction for this new guy as a "push" as you put it that you should finally end the current relationship – but choose not to pursue the other guy. Choose instead to spend time on your own and look at yourself and things you can improve. I get the impression based on your actions and previous posts that the reason you didn't leave your partner before now is because you are absolutely terrified of being on your own. Terrified of not having a man to rely on and support you. Maybe that's also part of the reason you went for an older guy to begin with - the fatherly protection aspect. Why not look at why that is the case and challenge yourself to spend time single and grow past it ? It would put you in a much healthier space for when you do start a new relationship - which does not involve cheating.

 

As for whether I am happy ? 6 months ago my wife (who is approx the same age as you) cheated on me with a guy from her work she had known for 2 weeks. I caught her out - found things on her phone. I'm currently going through a divorce and my ex has also - after having a brief affair - broken up with the guy she cheated with and also another guy she then started seeing immediately after. It took her a few months but she is now completely mortified by what she did. Her family and friends know about what happened and don't really know what to say. She wrote me a letter only last week while we were finalizing our divorce talking about the shame and the guilt she feels about what she did. How she is sorry and wishes with every part of her that she could take it back and do things differently. But once its done - it can't be undone. Some decisions are permanent. The people on this board are normally those that have been on one of the 2 sides of the fence your currently sitting. The advice we give comes with a certain level of experience and perspective. We are honestly not trying to bash you or be deliberately nasty - just maybe help see where the path your walking may eventually lead. Sometimes that needs to be done bluntly for people to take any notice.

 

I can tell you though despite all that I am happy. I've gone through a hard time but I'm coming out the other side and I'm definitely still happy. Happiness is not something you can get from somebody else. It comes from within.

[GraceGone]

Here is some reality: my exSO sent me a birthday card in August telling me how wonderful I was, signing it "Love" and enclosed a type-written letter telling me that she had decided to "pursue a different path" with her and her two sons and that she had actively been dating "different" men over the summer. We were in a same-sex relationship for 9.5 years. We didn't live in the same city and because she lives in a red state, we were extremely discreet to the point that most of her friends and family figured she was a single mother after divorcing her ex husband 10 years ago, to protect her children. My friends all knew of her and our relationship.

 

Tonight after 9.5 years I'm sitting here, not having heard her voice since the middle of June and receiving her wonderful birthday card almost 2 months ago, commenting on a thread because some guy I don't know is getting ready to get a bowl full of hurt.

 

I'm 54. Fortunately I don't look it, but I can guarantee you that any words out of anyone's mouth ever again will mean nothing to me. That's the lasting effect of betrayal. 9.5 years and now I wonder if any of it was real and if she was just leading me on or using me.

 

Your SO is overweight now, but he won't be if you go thru with leaving him for another man saying instead that you were just unhappy and needed to leave. He will eventually figure out that the new guy you're seeing 2 weeks after dumping him was someone that you met when you two were together. He won't sleep day or night, and he will forget to eat. Depression does that. I'm 15 lbs lighter and still losing. I've had 1.5 meals today. Don't care. Maybe that's not you're problem if you're unhappy. But I'm just telling you what he's gonna be thinking. Betrayal is worse than "I'm leaving." And he will figure it out.

 

He's gonna also wonder why you didn't tell him you were so unhappy. Maybe you did in so many words, but it's not registered to him. My ex told me that I was wonderful, couldn't believe how lucky she was, etc, which is typical guilt behavior right before they bolt it turns out. You could talk to him. She could have talked to me. Heck, she's a therapist and counsels people EVERY day about talking about their feelings! But no. So I sit here for the last 2 months trying to figure out what I missed. Thinking that our lives can finally get back on track after enduring a 2.5 yr custody battle with her ex. I was never named or part of it, so discreet were we. But I helped her emotionally, financially, and did tons of legwork for her so she could do her job and still make sure that she had all the ammunition she needed to keep her boys.

 

About your bandboy. Did it ever cross your mind that he uses that line all the time on women? Did it cross your mind that anyone can share interests in the same books and movies and beaches and can feign values and character in a 2 hour conversation? You know when you can't hide your true values and character? Over time. And if you're willing to roll the dice and gamble that this guy shares your values, then roll that dice. But remember how he met you. And how he probably meets most of his women. He clearly has boundary issues, he hit on you knowing you were in a LTR. And if you think you're lonely with your SO now, just remember that when he's out playing his gigs thru the week. You do know that plenty of women like to hit up the boys in the band don't you? It's not an urban legend.

 

I feel the pain of my ex's betrayal everyday and night. She's gone. I've come to find out there was some smooth talking guy stroking her damaged ego back in April and May when we were finishing up the last of the custody battle. I'm sure this whole thing is somehow related to her ex and her hatred for him, on the one hand, and her idea that she "can't be the only daughter of a Hispanic family! and be gay." But she is and has been since she realized it at 15, and thru her 10 year marriage to her ex-husband, and particularly after her 9.5 year relationship with me.

 

After 10 years, your SO deserves the truth if you are going to leave him. I deserved the truth too, but I didn't get it. And not the truth that conveys unhappiness, but the whole truth that includes the part that some band guy has hit on you and you think you want to throw 10 years away so you can go have sex with him. That's betrayal too, but at least it's honest and he can stare that in the face. And then he'll lose weight anyway.

[Spectre]

Yep, and so to the OP I ask: did you give your partner the truth he so rightfully deserves?

[Justaguy30]

If you are unhappy in your current relationship you need to end it. As for the new guy if you are actually interested in him don't jump into anything because you will need time to heal from your 10 years with the other guy and you don't want to ruin the new thing. The worst thing you could do is start seeing the other guy on the side and sneaking around because its so hurtful. Your partner of 10 years will be a lot more understanding if you tell him you are just not happy in the relationship anymore and end it instead of sticking around while you have a relationship with the other guy. All the best and remember even though honesty hurts it is always the best policy

[Doglover0261]

Yep, and so to the OP I ask: did you give your partner the truth he so rightfully deserves?

 

 

Probably not, then few months later will make another post asking the same question while looking for positive comments.

Edited October 7, 2014 by Doglover0261

[angie2443]

I've been with my fellow as I said for 10 years. I was very young when I met him (21) and he is much older (he was 38 when we met - 17 years my senior) and I was going through a hard time. He was the only one there for me. I have always been grateful to be with such a good man. After 10 years he still loves me very very much and treats me well.

 

?

 

 

I don't think cheating is ever right. I do, however, feel you are justified in wanting to leave your relationship. I know plenty of older men who looked for troubled young women to form a relationship with. It is a tradeoff of sorts. The older man gets the young girl and she has someone who will emotionally take care of her. The problem is, the young girl will eventually, hopefully, grow up and learn to take of her own troubles without needing or wanting an emotional caretaker. While we all need someone to lean on sometimes, it shouldn't be a main component in a new relationship, IMO.

 

While I have some sympathy for the husband, he should've known better than to go after someone so young in that vulnerable of a position. At 38, he had enough life experience to understand that a person is still growing mentally and emotionally at 21, especially if they are in a tough spot that they have to find a way out of. Yes, some of these relationships work out, but I've seen many more fall to pieces when the younger one starts growing up, feeling more secure in themselves, and wants a relationship with someone who is closer age wise.

[ascendotum]

I don't think cheating is ever right. I do, however, feel you are justified in wanting to leave your relationship. I know plenty of older men who looked for troubled young women to form a relationship with. It is a tradeoff of sorts. The older man gets the young girl and she has someone who will emotionally take care of her. The problem is, the young girl will eventually, hopefully, grow up and learn to take of her own troubles without needing or wanting an emotional caretaker. While we all need someone to lean on sometimes, it shouldn't be a main component in a new relationship, IMO.

 

While I have some sympathy for the husband, he should've known better than to go after someone so young in that vulnerable of a position. At 38, he had enough life experience to understand that a person is still growing mentally and emotionally at 21, especially if they are in a tough spot that they have to find a way out of. Yes, some of these relationships work out, but I've seen many more fall to pieces when the younger one starts growing up, feeling more secure in themselves, and wants a relationship with someone who is closer age wise.

 

When older guys get into a relationship with much younger women, this sort of scenario in this thread is something that can easily occur. I've seen a few older dudes broken hearted over the younger woman spreading her wings and seeing other guys, and it usually happens behind their back to start with before its announced they want to separate or worse that they are pregnant to the other guy. Its the flip side of that often comes with snagging an inexperienced maybe slightly troubled junior, and the older men should be aware of it and they take their chances. If the older guy wants to keep a much younger slimmer sexier woman, he needs to keep his game up. He can't afford to get fat, lazy, stuck in his ways and complacent on the relationship, otherwise he risks dissatisfaction from the gf. If he's too tired to go out and she does, you can bet guy's like this musician are going to hone in on her. She'll just be a fling for the muso for sure, but if not him I can see it being someone else soon enough.

 

There quite a few really good posts in this thread on advice for the OP. Hopefully her bf wont be shattered with the news she's fallen out of love with him by falling in love with a new guy (that's sheen been banging for x number of months). She needs to give him heads up as to how she really feels about their relationship. Maybe it can be salvaged, but probably not, but at least it should end in a dignified manner.

[feebee]

I totally understand & get where you are coming from SS.

 

My relationships since my teens were: 12+ years (we were totally in love, married, he cheated once or twice, but it was the growing in different directions that forced me to leave at 30)

 

I met someone else within 6 months...he totally swept me off my feet... we both wanted children, but a few years later, I had an unplanned pregnancy...aside from his other *2* jobs (& I also had a very good government job)... in a 3rd job similar to your band guy, putting him in contact with 'groupie' women, & had a ONS while I was pregnant, & no longer at his gigs

 

It happened twice, even though he was the 'poster child' against cheating

 

We bought a house & when our child started school, I started getting out more with girlfriends.

 

I met a guy who made me realise what I was missing... & YES, these were things I'd always said to my partner I wanted/needed, to the point that I was 'nagging' him...he was always a workaholic, but wasted $$$...we never had time together, he was never affectionate, we never had pet names, held hands or cuddled- he couldn't even stand a hand or foot touching him in bed

Reading up, our 'love languages' were different...he bought me flowers & knick-knacks, but I needed affection.

 

Like you, it took me 'cheating' to see what I wanted & needed in a relationship... it was never going to be something long-term, he lived in another country. I did stick it out for a few more years... I'd resigned from my good job, was a SAHM, then taken up a part-time one when our daughter went to school.

 

His long hours meant always cranky...I put up with a lot of verbal & emotional abuse. I'd have dinner ready when he got home at 8 or so, but it was never a 'hey, tough day, but good to be home'...always straight into yelling about minor crap that hadn't been done, without even a 'hi'.

 

I decided one day I'd had enough... no one else involved, but my affair partner a few years earlier had started the process for me.

 

It was impossible for me to leave when our daughter was a toddler- I'd gone from a great self-supportive job, to SAHM, to an average part-time job (which I'm still in 6 years later)... I TOTALLY understand people staying with their fairly comfortable & familiar lifestyle, & seeking their emotional &/or physical needs outside, until their 'ducks are lined up'

 

I left before my ducks were lined up... I live very much week to week on my part-time job, am often totally broke 2 days after pay-day, & although I love to cook, no point (or ability) for one, & I live on microwave meals & noodles for now

 

I applaud you SS...this is your turning point. You have realised this is not a relationship you can be in for life, & you are not getting what you need from it. You're still young, & I assume you can support yourself. I don't judge you at all for feeling what you are, explore...but with a view to breaking ties with your partner, with or without the new guy

 

The relationship you're in is obviously not for life...

 

Good luck x