Wife's feelings after divorce normal?

[northernman]

My wife has been saying she wants a divorce and does not love me for 6 months. She has been sleeping on the couch.

 

I filed for divorce first as I thought she has someone else and was about to take off with my son. She already had an attorney and was about to file as well.

 

We had the temporary hearing Friday and she moved out yesterday with our 3 yr old son.

 

Now she has been calling and crying non stop saying she never wanted this to happen. And if she thinks one day we can get back together. How should I take this?

[mslel]

I think it might be guilt. For her to say that but not act for six months was clearly just a cry for help. My husband left me and is now doing the same as your wife. For about 6 months he cheated, booked expensive trips etc then turned around after a month of separation saying he never wanted it! Look up the definition of narcessist, see if any traits match. Another reason could be that you did just need time apart to reconsider what you wanted. That is a LONG time to be on the couch though. I'd play tough love and tell her to stop calling unless she wants to do counselling. Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

Now she has been calling and crying non stop saying she never wanted this to happen. And if she thinks one day we can get back together. How should I take this?

Were I cynical, I'd say it sounds as though her AP has kicked her to the curb and she's turning to you, her back up plan.

 

What led to the separation and disconnect? Have you ruled out another man?

 

Mr. Lucky

[No Limit]

I'm sorry but I strongly suggest you stay firm, even if it wasn't you who initiated the divorce. Don't be her doormat, chances are she's cheated and her AP kicked her to the curb. And even if there was no 3rd party involved and she's just scared of being on her own, it shows how easily she'd let go of you on her whims.

 

And don't agree on getting back together one day unless she does it a few months/years down the road while you two sit on a table and look each other in the eye, not a crying baby on the phone.

[2sunny]

Let me guess... You have always paid her way.

 

She probably figured her OM would support her and now that she's free of you - he's probably disappeared on her.

 

So you are her backup plan.

 

 

 

If she didn't love you a week ago - why would she love you now?

[trippi1432]

Hi northernman, so sorry you are going through this. How long were you married? Obviously, you have both been together for 3 years as you have a son together, but how long ago did you file? Any details you could provide will help guide the advice you are needing.

[TheBladeRunner]

I went through this after the separation and when I moved out. Turns out the OM dumped her and every time one of her "dates" turned out to be a turd she would call on me.

 

Who knows, if there is no OM, it may just be guilt. Funny, my XW talked to me about wishing she had not done what she'd done, but after multiple "A'S" I was the one that was done. Sounds like she's made her bed, now she needs to lay in it. JMO

[jakrbbt]

She could easily have guilt/shock/cold feet even without an affair. I know I already do, and haven't even left yet, and no affair here.

 

The only reason it matters is if you want to give the relationship another chance. In that case, you must know the truth about whether there's an affair.

 

If there's no affair, then sleeping on the couch for 6 months could mean many things, including ill-expressed anger and resentment. How has the communication been between you two?

 

But if you don't want to reconcile, then any latent knowledge of an affair will bring you much pain and no satisfaction. I'm not saying you should not try to find out-- just, try to tell yourself what you'll do if you do find out something like that.

[Trimmer]

If there's no affair, then sleeping on the couch for 6 months could mean many things, including ill-expressed anger and resentment. How has the communication been between you two?

You may be seeing things through tinted lenses here. It wasn't just "sleeping on the couch for 6 months" in isolation. It was also:

 

"saying she wants a divorce and does not love me for 6 months".

 

If she was consistently saying she didn't love him and wanted a divorce, when she really did want him and didn't want a divorce, then yes, her feelings were indeed "ill-expressed."

 

But if you don't want to reconcile, then any latent knowledge of an affair will bring you much pain and no satisfaction. I'm not saying you should not try to find out-- just, try to tell yourself what you'll do if you do find out something like that.

Actually, a departure without apparent reason can be an exceptionally excruciating thing. Not that it doesn't happen - "I just don't love you any more" does occur. And discovery of an affair won't be a pleasant occurrence at all. BUT, in the long run, knowledge that there was an affair involved can help put things into historical and emotional perspective. I speak this from experience, and I can say that I'd rather have known about it (which I did) than to have been kept in the dark, remaining uncertain about what really happened for all this time.