So confused!! He says he loves me but doesn't want to work it out??

[sleeplessincnd]

So my bf and I had been together for a month. We slept together after about 3 weeks but even before we did this he told me he loved me. I was an a** and didn't tell him the same. I was scared about all the feelings I was having and wanted to make sure that it was really love before I started throwing the word around. Well things went horribly wrong about a week later. After spending the night together and talking about moving in and such he told me that the butterflies were gone. He asked that we take some time to think about it and that we would talk later. Well we didn't end up talking he ended up yelling and I ended up crying and basically just cut me out of his life.

This whole thing makes no sense, how do you tell someone that you love them and then be so mad that you can't work it out just a few days later?

I have had no contact with him since the big blow up since I want him to cool down, is that the right thing to do?

When we broke up he was so mad and I'm sure that he didn't hear what I was saying and how I was telling him that I wanted to make it right and I tried to tell him that I did love him but to no avail.

I know that he is really stressed right now with work and school and family commitments but I still cannot explain why things could have done so wrong?

 

Any advice???

[westernxer]

I think he said too much too quickly, and now he's trying to cover it up. Sometimes people jump the gun. Then they realize they need to turn it down a notch, before they get taken to the cleaners.

 

The big question is, why did he blow up and yell at you (this sounds like something I went through, and she cried as well)? Okay, he's stressed, but something was definitely lacking between the two of you. Care to elaborate?

[sleeplessincnd]

Elaborate... well we are very different people but we hit it off right away. I was having the same feeling that he was having, like I was thinking rings, houses and kids and I know that he was too b/c he let it slip. Is it so hard to believe that you could actually have these feeling for someone so quickly? when it's right you know, right?

I am sure that what was lacking between us was his ability to communicate. I did nothing of dire consequence, nothing that doesn't deserve discussion and an attempt to work it out. He said that I "walked on him" by telling him not to smoke and making him feel guilty for not doing the dishes? Just things that I think are excuses to be mad.

So when you got mad and blew up did you later realize that you were being an ass? I know that this is not just my problem, I will admit that I have done some things wrong and am wiling to try and change those things but shouldn't someone who loves you want to work things out. I am waiting for him to contact me but he is so stubborn that I doubt he will think he is at fault. What I can I do in this situation?

[westernxer]

So when you got mad and blew up did you later realize that you were being an ass?

 

Funny. I was mad, mostly at myself for taking the bait, but I didn't blow up. She had it coming, though, and I had no choice but to break up with her. It's one of the best decisions I ever made.

 

Forget about who's fault it is... if you really love him, you'll risk your hide to reach out to him. That's all I'm going to say, since I think I know where he's coming from.

[Tonia2]

I disagree - you did nothing wrong. He is emotionally ridiculously immature, and I think you can see that by the fact that you were talking marriage and kids after such a short space of time.

 

I am afraid you just cannot trust that sort of faux-committment after such a short space of time, and it should make you very wary. I can't believe he is throwing his rattle out of the pram now and blaming you. You must believe that this is not your fault, learn from the experience, and move on. I think he probably got so angry, as he was angry at himself for being so naive. Also possibly to put you off him so that you did not try to resolve the relationship.

 

Just my input, but don't think its your fault - he sounds a bit of a dick to be honest.

[LucreziaBorgia]

This whole thing makes no sense, how do you tell someone that you love them and then be so mad that you can't work it out just a few days later?

 

Sometimes, when you meet someone you fall in love with your hopes/expectations of them and map a lot of qualities onto them that they may not have. Then as you get to know them, and those love blinders fall off you realize that the person isn't right for you after all. This process can take a long time, or in your case a very short time. He met you, was infatuated with you, fell in love with his idea of you, but when he got to know you better - realized that he didn't want to date you after all. It seems very deceptive, but in the beginning - people really do feel those incredible 'butterflies' - and he probably did mean those things he said to you at first. But... when all that faded and he 'lost his butterflies': that is also very real. He wanted out, he knew you didn't - he felt the trap closing and he trampled you down as he was making his escape.

 

Did you do anything wrong? Not necessarily, it sounds like you were the victim of hit and run infatuation.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Hi there sleepless. I'm so sorry for you. Something similar happened to me over the space of about 3 months at the end of last year. I ended up dumped by ReluctantJuliette on new year's eve.

 

My own experience - and the postmortem with friends - confirms the wisdom of what has been said already.

 

Tonia is right to say that you can't trust such a quick commitment. Faux-commitment is an excellent phrase, which I shall steal if you don't mind, Tonia.

 

Lucrezia is as lucid as ever when she talks about romantic illusions.

 

One thing I would add is that some guys (and girls) suffer from commitmentphobia. I have to confess to having acted this way a lot in the past and I'm trying to deal with it right now. The point I'm making is that he may well like you a lot, so he hasn't necessarily changed his mind about you, but he has bumped up against a fear of commitment.

 

The conclusion is the same - the relationship has had it - but realising that this is a possibility may well make you feel better about yourself and your attractiveness. Which is important too

[sleeplessincnd]

Thanks for the advice guys. I just think what I am having the hardest time with is how things could have changed so quickly. That fact makes me think that there is something else going on here that has nothing to do with me - mainly stress on his part? Any thoughts on that?

[sleeplessincnd]

So after 3 days of no contact I thought he might be calmer and ready to talk. NOT LIKELY! I think I over reacted and left him a message then talked to him on IM and then radio'd him with our two-ways. He was still mad and kept telling me to leave him alone. He said that he got "caught up" and that he didn't really feel those things for me. That felt like a canned response b/c he also said that I really hurt him and that he was just so stressed out that he couldn't deal with it.

 

He said that it is his policy not to go back and that if I hurt him once then he wouldn't give me a chance to do it again. How can I make him see that I didn't hurt him intentionally and that sometimes second chances can lead to really great things?

 

He is so sensitive and I can see that it really hurt him when he opened himself up to me and I didn't reciprocate right away. I have tried to apologize but it doesn't seem like that is enough. Anyone have a time machine so I can go back and make it right? Will time change how he feels about what has happened - will he realize that I do care about him and just want him to be happy?

 

How much time shoud I wait before I try to reach out to him again?

 

Thanks for the advice guys! I really appreciate it!

[Tonia2]

He is behaving like a big baby. Please move on - these are not the actions of a rational or emotionally mature/stable man. You can do sooo much better, and you were completely right to be circumspect - not shouting your mouth off about transitory feelings.

[beejsea2]

I agree with Tonia...move on. You've only been together a month so cut your losses now rather than later! Don't contact him, he made it clear that he didn't want to hear from you..so leave him alone .

[sleeplessincnd]

So I have been soliciting advice from everyone that I know about this situation and last night while talking with a friend everything started to make sense - problem is - I have no idea how to fix it.

 

The only thing that could have happened is that when he told me that he loved me I hestitated and didn't return his feelings right away. Can you imagine how much that must hurt, not only did I not return his feelings but I also told him that what he was feeling for me was not right. That must have really hurt. I also said to him "I just want you to be careful beacuse if we break-up in a few weeks this will make it all that more hurtful". Well he is a very literal person and I know that he thought that meant that I don't love him and am planning to break up with him in a few weeks. Totally not the case, I care about him a lot and want to be with him.

 

Also he is adopted, and I know that rejection must be a HUGE issue for him. I can see that he has come up with canned responses like "I don't see myself with you" and "I wasn't happy". This is all BS because how can you go from I love you to that in just a matter of days. Also the few times we have spoken he has let little things slip like "you crushed me" and "I can't deal with the stress of this". I did tell him that I love him but I know that probably thinks that I am just saying that b/c I know it is what he wants to hear, which is not the case.

 

I know that he was just trying to protect himself from being hurt and wanted to get rid of me before I got rid of him which would be much more hurtful. I just don't know if he is ready to admit that this is why he is upset.

 

So I am thinking about doing one on three things:

 

1. Sending him a brief e-mail today or tomorrow telling that I understand the gravity of what has happened and I want him to know how sorry I am. (Could be a bad idea b/c I know he needs some space but I also want him to know that I care about him so much, and I don't want him to spend another day thinking that I wanted to dump him).

 

2. Sending him flowers or a teddy bear to let him know that I really do care and want to be with him without having to say much more about feelings and stuff. (Could just make him mad though that I am not givng him space and he might think it is stupid).

 

3. Waiting about a week with NC and then sending a casual e-mail asking him to do something neutral with me like go to the mall. Not making him talk about anything, showing I care about him and trying to move forward, not re-hashing the past. (He could be hurt though that I am not talking to him and trying to make things better).

 

Any advice about this? I can see now that I should have been more sensitive with him due to his past and I need to make it right, it kills me that I care about him so much and have managed to make him so mad.

[LucreziaBorgia]

3. Waiting about a week with NC and then sending a casual e-mail asking him to do something neutral with me like go to the mall. Not making him talk about anything, showing I care about him and trying to move forward, not re-hashing the past. (He could be hurt though that I am not talking to him and trying to make things better).

 

This one is the least of the three evils, and the one that is least likely to be met with rejection. The key words here are: casual, 'not making him', 'not re-hashing the past'. The more neutral you are, the more receptive he will be toward you at this point.

 

So my bf and I had been together for a month.

 

You are saying that you know that he doesn't really mean these things he is saying to you and that you know he loves you (because he said so!), but you've only dated this guy for a month. I have a feeling that you are choosing to overlook the negative things he has said, and are reading your own extremely optimistic and hopeful interpretations into them. You say his responses are canned but...

 

Canned response or not, and no matter why he says them:

 

"he told me that the butterflies were gone."

He said that it is his policy not to go back

"He ... kept telling me to leave him alone. He said that he got "caught up" and that he didn't really feel those things for me."

"I don't see myself with you" and "I wasn't happy"

 

could not be more clear. Read into it what you like, and analyze it in whichever way will be least painful for you to deal with - but do not ignore it. Guys don't say stuff like that to play games. He said it, he meant it - no matter what the motivations are, and no matter how you try to explain it away. From reading your posts, he has not said a single positive thing to you to refute these negative things he has said. If you want to keep trying for this, you will have to work with this, not against it. Accept it, leave it in the past, and try to move forward with a different sort of relationship. The relationship you had with him is over.

[sleeplessincnd]

He said it, he meant it - no matter what the motivations are

 

Does that also mean that when he said he loved me he meant it? Does it also mean that when he said I really hurt him he meant it? When he said he was really stressed did he mean it?

 

I can't just think that he meant some things and not others. I have been looking at all things here, trust me and though I have only known him for a month he really opened himself up to me and I feel like I have know him for a long time - that is what is making this so hard - we did have a real connection after that short amount of time.

[Tonia2]

Sorry - I completely agree with Lucrezia. I am not sure whether you are on here for advice or just to vent, but if you want advice, you are getting it, but choosing not to listen to it. You seem very set in your ways, and don’t seem to be open to what we are saying or what he has said to you. I can imagine that it is confusing, but I really do think you have to accept that he may have said these things with sincerity at the time, but it is completely unrealistic to be in love with someone after a month. You cannot possibly even know each other within a month, however much you open up to each other. Chemically, when we are in the first stages of infatuation our brain activity is completely abnormal.

 

This should be enough to see that our behaviour is irrational (often in a good way) and should not be trusted. In a best case scenario, the initial ‘butterflies’ are replaced by all the good things that come with love – loyalty, a deepening affection, companionship etc. But these things can only be acquired through time and experience, and they are the true indications of a successful relationship that has the potential to last. I can understand how confused you are and I completely agree with Lucrezia that the 3rd option is the only one that has any viable chance of working out in my opinion. I also agree that you cannot ‘recapture’ what you may have had, but will need to take a more measured and circumspect attitude towards the relationship if you both decide to kick it off again.

 

You are doing well to be seeking help and giving him some space at the moment. Please keep it up and try not to listen to only what you want to hear, but what the reality is and what objective observers are interpreting on your behalf.

[clynn]

Ditto what Lucrezia and Tonia2 said.

 

 

He doesn't want to talk to you.

 

It hurst, it sucks. You can't figure it out. You can't rationalize. It doesn't make sense. You have to know that it doesn't make sense and move on anyhow.

 

You can't do ANYTHING. He doesn't want to be with you. It sucks. But that is the way it is.

[sleeplessincnd]

So I talked to the ex last night. It has been almost 2 weeks since the break up and over a week of NC.

 

He answered his cell on the first ring and he had to see it was me and make the conscious decision to answer the phone. We chatted for a few minutes and the told me the he hurt himself and needs to have surgery in a few months.

 

After about 5 minutes of chatting he got another call and asked me to hang on. Well I was on hold for like 7 minutes so I finally hung up. I waited a few minutes and called back. He didn't answer and it went to voicemail so I left him a message asking him to call me back either last night or today (he very likely could have been on the other line still).

 

Well he didn't call last night, but he was on his way to have beers with the guys and may have ended up just staying at the one guy's place. I really hope that he will call me today - I am just worried about what to say when he calls.

 

Should I even be giving this guy a chance to hurt me again? Our conversation was great and felt so comfortable, do you think that this might be enough to make him starting thinking about me too?

[clynn]

I don't think you want the advice being given. Which is don't call him.

It is over.

 

You can continue to phone him and continue to get the kind of treatment he delievered you with last night. Putting you on hold for a long time? Then not phoning you back? rude, rude, rude.

 

"Should I even be giving this guy a chance to hurt me again? Our conversation was great and felt so comfortable, do you think that this might be enough to make him starting thinking about me too? "

 

Sorry, but I bet that all he is thinking is "geez, haven't I already told her NOT to phone me? I guess she just doens't get it."

[Tonia2]

I'm lost for words...

[JS17]

You can't MAKE something work, if it's right, it just is. I fall for the guys that have a sad story to tell too and you want to be there for them but they need to grow for themselves, you can't do it for them.

 

Clearly he doesn't understand what love is or he made a mistake in saying it. Clearly he had some strong feelings for you but he doesn't understand himself and his feelings and he can't express them properly.

 

This is going to be the hardest thing to hear but if he wanted to be with you, he would be. Here's the best part, is he treating you the way you want to be treated? No, you're totally better than that.

 

And you should be damn glad that you only wasted a month of your time with him. What happens when you're 40 and the kids are screaming and you're both working and the stress is out of hand, he can't handle it now, he won't be able to handle it when things really get tough.

[sleeplessincnd]

Hey everyone, thanks for all the advice - I know that many think no contact is the way to go but in this case I'm glad I trusted my instincts.

 

The ex and I had a 2 hour phone conversation on Saturday night and it has made me feel much better than any advice from anyone ever could.

 

He was the one who actually wanted to talk about the relationship and he gave me the chance to say what I wanted to say - which made me feel a lot better. We talked a lot about the situation and he assured me that he is taking some time to think and is trying to analyze our relationship seperate from all the stress that was placed on it by outside factors.

 

He told me that there is so much going on with him right now that he didn't feel it was fair to drag me into it and he also felt that he couldn't be the boyfriend that I deserved. I told him that I understand b/c I really do - I've been there.

 

So for right now we are just going to keep in contact and see how things go when life gets a little less crazy for him. Who knows, by that time I may have moved on - but if it is meant to be it will be.

 

At least I am now out of relationship purgatory and it calms me to know that what I was thinking was somewhat correct and that what I was feeling for him was not in vain.

 

Thanks everyone again for the advice. If I can give anyone else any advice it would be to follow your heart - if you think you should call then you should and if you think someone needs to hear that you love them then say it. You know your partner better than anyone who reads a few lines ever could. If you have been dumped it is b/c your partner thinks you did something wrong, whether you want to or not an aplogy is the only way around that!

 

Good luck all!

[clynn]

Well, Keepus posted, I'd love to hear how it develops.

[Tonia2]

Yeah, me too. Good luck. I for one haven't cut contact with my ex, and we are still in some sort of a relationship, but I will let you know whether this was a good idea when I find out what the outcome is! If it doesn't work out - which it may well not - I know that I will look back and wish I had cut contact - it definitely helps you move on and is not a game to try to manipulate them into missing you.

 

Just please don't let him take you for a ride - you seem so keen to make it work that I am concerned you are at risk of compromising your standards and letting him take the piss - I would hate to see that happen.

[sleeplessincnd]

So here is the latest. After the frendly conversation of last weekend I was more at peace with the ex and decided that I really didn't need to talk to him and that maybe it was best to get get on with it. Though it hurt at first the hurt was starting to fade and I realized that I deserve better.

 

I had called him on Wed as I recieved a txt message and didn't know who from so I was calling everyone who it could have been. We he didn't answer his phone so I just left a msg saying if it was you then call me back. I didn't hear anything.

 

Saturday I went out and bought some things for my new place and was beginning to be happy with my single self again. Sat night I even started talking to some guy on an online dating service and making a few dates.

 

Then Sun afternoon the phone rings and sure enough, it's the ex. He said he was out of town and just got my message. He said would have called me earlier but was working and didn't think that it was fair to call me on the way to a job (how considerate?). And then we sorta talked about us and I told him how ****ty it was for him to have treated me that way (b/c I am back to my normal ballsy self) and he said "I'm sorry" I told him he should have said that a long time ago and he said "I'm sorry, I didn't know you felt that way". What the f*&K! This is news to you???

 

So then he talks about him self for about 1/2 an hour and then he says that he has exams with school this week and such but that I should call him later in the week and we'll "go out and do something" on Saturday night.

 

So I guess I am just really mixed about the whole thing, I was getting over it and now he wants to hang out? Do you think that he just wants to be friends or is this his attempt at making amends? Should I go out with him or should I just ignore him?

 

A part of me still cares about him and wants to be with me, but there is also the part that came to terms with it and said this is not the way a person should treat you and you shouldn't bother. Argh - so torn!

 

Thanks for the advice!

[clynn]

Why not?

Seems like he is on your mind.