How do I decide to propose? Later, or never?

[Sunlight72]

I've been in a great relationship (the best of my life) for almost 3 years. It is one of the healthiest relationships I've heard of or read about - and fun too

 

She's not been pushy, and we both have brought up marriage conversations every few months since we've been together, but I feel that both of us think this is quite long enough to date, and we should be getting engaged or when will we ever do it? I bought a ring about a month ago, and have not proposed.

 

I'm very torn. I'd greatly enjoy our relationship to continue, but I am very apprehensive about getting married and it changing everything.

 

As our relationship is now, I would be glad to be married to her and her boys. We have separate houses a 1/2 block from each other, and did all live together for about 5 months while her current home was being built, when they then moved there about a year ago. I really liked us all living together, and so did she.

 

Even though we communicate very openly and often, I think she expects things to change between me and her sons if we marry, and I don't want to dedicate more time to being a step dad than I do now.

 

I'm 42, she is 37. I don't have kids, she has 10 and 11 year old sons, one is special needs. We're both divorced. We get along tolerably with her ex, who has the boys 1 or two weekends each month. He's an unstable alchoholic who skipped about 3.5 years of their lives so far - could happen again. But we both feel that as often as it is safe, it is important that the boys have their dad in their lives.

 

I haven't spent much time around children before our relationship, and it turns out that the boys and I get along well (yay!). But I have not developed a warm delight in making my life and happiness revolve around them. My girlfriend's life and happiness mainly revolve around her boys' care and happiness, and their priorities are generally what determine everything in her life.

 

Due to them, I trained to and then helped teach 3 12-week parenting classes over a year and a half. They were super fun and rewarding for me - a big surprise

 

But - I think my girlfriend probably wants me to be more deeply involved in her boys' lives, and I am not happily excited to give up more of my life than I am now doing, to do that.

 

We communicate well about everything, but I have a feeling even though she says in words that she's okay with my involvement level - once we are married she will be hurt and disappointed if I don't 'naturally' feel more happy to cut out parts of my personal life and work (I'm a self employed artist, sometimes travelling across the US and to Europe) to commit to weekly Boy Scout meetings for the next 7 or 8 years with one son, and a changing schedule of activities weekly with the other son. This is just more additional time than I'm happy to carve out.

 

I have been happy to go on field trips with each of them, enjoyed going to eat lunch with them at school a few times, gone to school plays, etc., go twice a month to the one son's counseling sessions, spent a few dozen hours learning about special needs issues and problem solving and learning skills to work with that little guy and so on. This is the level I'm happy continuing (more or less, I'm not counting minutes).

 

How does one tell just how much is an immature/unrealistic desire for 'self' and 'couple' time? Or what are the important questions I need to ask myself to clarify if I should wait longer to propose, or I am just not ever going to be eager to be married?

 

How much time does a loving, supportive step-parent spend with children? If we marry, I will be their only chance to benefit from a life with a dad/step dad on a daily basis, and I don't want to take that place if I'll fall miserably short for them.

 

I've been married twice - the first time, she found out she's a lesbian after a couple years, the second time I didn't earn enough money for her sanity. Both times though, I bent myself as far as I could to try and fit what I thought they needed. Pretty quickly (although it took me 15 years to figure it out), I lost my self-respect, they lost respect and attraction for me, and I'm not interested going back to that process again. I am committed to maintaining more of my own self for the future.

 

Thank you for any replies,

Sunlight

[Ronni_W]

But - I think my girlfriend probably wants me to be more deeply involved in her boys' lives, and I am not happily excited to give up more of my life than I am now doing, to do that.

 

We communicate well about everything, but I have a feeling even though she says in words that she's okay with my involvement level - once we are married she will be hurt and disappointed if I don't 'naturally' feel more happy to cut out parts of my personal life and work

You're making guesses and assumptions about your girlfriend's future expectations, wants and needs...that is NOT communicating "well about everything".

 

It sounds as if you are putting in plenty and as much as is your personal 'level' or 'boundary' of parenthood and parenting comfortably allows.

But...it also sounds as if perhaps subconsciously or in your conscience, you do know that YOU would want and expect MORE FROM YOURSELF. (You're saying/thinking that that is your girlfriend's "future voice" expressing a want/need for more, but...is it perhaps not your own?)

 

It's not that you're being selfish but rather self-aware, and sensitive not only to your own needs, feelings, goals but also of everyone else's. I think that if you take on two children of those ages then, yes, weekly Boy Scout meetings or sport practice/games or musical instrument lessons ARE necessarily part of the package...if one wants to be a supportive, loving, inspirational (step) parent. And yes, some of one's own personal time is diverted to the healthy growth of the children. Likewise, personal interests, hobbies, wishes and whims are given lesser priority. I mean, to me, that's part of becoming a parent, or of willingly taking on the role of step-parent.

 

On the other hand, obviously if you are out of city or country, then you cannot participate. BUT...that is what your girlfriend is accepting/taking on when or if she accepts your marriage proposal. (Assuming that your personal future plans do not include just picking up and taking off on a purely personal trip whenever the mood/whim strikes.)

 

In short. VOICE your current concerns about the long-term future of your current family unit. There is likely a healthy compromise available to be reached, but not if you just keep guessing and assuming; and not without her own fully-informed input and contribution to finding mutually agreeable and desirable solutions.

[Sunlight72]

Thanks for the thoughts Ronni, you make a couple of good points.

 

When I read that part about it being my own expectations of what it takes to be a good (step) parent, it does click especially.

[Ronni_W]

When I read that part about it being my own expectations of what it takes to be a good (step) parent, it does click especially.

Then, going by your original self-questioning, likely you are ALREADY feeling that you're failing yourself...not them, not your girlfriend or the children...but failing yourself.

 

You can change that, and quite easily. You already know if and where and how you're feeling guilty. Especially if it's not work-related, then you can change it quite easily.

And, if it is mostly or primarily work-related, then you can change it but it will take more thought and planning and reasoned thinking. You already know that you can do it, even if the exact 'how' of it yet needs some tweaking...and input from your current girlfriend (and future wife? )

 

Very best of luck, and all happiness and fulfillment.