bubblygrl5 Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 It just occurred to me this probably belongs in the cheating forum...but I'll go ahead here anyway... My bf cheated on me a couple yrs. ago...it's all out in the open and everything. We worked (work) through it, and things are A LOT better. I asked him some details...not all...and he answered everything pretty honestly. Anyway, I could never leave well enough alone, and I dug and pried, and found out more info about the cheating. And I find that he sugar coated his cheating a little bit. For example, the cheating happened during a trip out of the country. I thought he cheated 2 months into the trip...and turns out it was more like 2 weeks. Or...he'll tell me it was a one night stand...but turns out he was hooking up with her for a week. I guess he doesnt want to look like more of an a**h***, or maybe he wants to downplay it to me...but is this significant? Or is the point that I know he cheated, and details are irrelevant? Ok...so, dishonorably I have checked his email. He hasn't done anything in the past 2 and a half yrs...no emails to or from and girls or anything - so I'm not worried its still happening....but I'm just confused! I found this out last night...I havent talked to him, and he knows soemthing is up. SHould I tell him I read his emails? I dont care if he's mad about it...what should I say? Bubbly Link to post Share on other sites
Linlin Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 Hmmm... Hard one to say. Personally, I would tell him that I looked and found out that he didn't tell you everything. However, I am not sure what is to be gained by doing it. He may get really mad and upset with you for going into his emails. However, I could never keep a secret like this from my partner. My ExH cheated on me during our marriage and because of it I ended the marriage. His conduct lead me to believe that he was never to be trusted again. Your bf gives you no reason to think that he is cheating. I would probably tell that I know the truth but you have to be prepared for fallout from him over it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bubblygrl5 Posted March 8, 2005 Author Share Posted March 8, 2005 Yea, he could be pissed off about it...and he'll probably be a little annoyed...and maybe my way of thinking is wrong - but he can't blame me for wondering... I know him well...I don't think he'll blow up about it. But, what should I think of his sugar coating? Does this mean he's a REALLY good liar...or do ppl just omit things...or what? Bubbly Link to post Share on other sites
The_Fool Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 Now, this is just my personal opinion, but I think there are only two things in a relationship that are absolutely inexcusable: infidelity and abuse. I'd tell him the truth and see how he handles it. I could easily see how he'd not want to share all of the details, possibly thinking that if you knew all the icky bits and pieces you might never forgive him; but if you thought that it wasn't that major, maybe he'd get by. Like Linlin said, be prepared for the fallout. Also, don't ever let him think that maybe, since he got away with it once, he could get away with it again. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 Originally posted by bubblygrl5 Does this mean he's a REALLY good liar...or do ppl just omit things...or what? The way I see it: that first "truth" is never the whole truth. People will generally be truthful with only enough information that they think you will forgive them for. "It was a one time thing". Then they'll downplay what they told you "it was just sex, I don't really care about her...". I think its self-protective. They aren't going to tell you everything if they know that it would increase the likelihood of it being unforgivable. I guess they think if they give you the tip of the iceberg, and you are spending time being upset and hurt about it - that you'll somehow be thrown off the scent and not realize that there is more to it. You can confront him with what you found, and let him know that you are concerned with his level of truthfulness in this situation and in future situations. You can apologize for going into his email, but don't let him make it be about that. Keep the discussion firmly on his level of truthfulness. If he tries to change the direction that the discussion is going in you can say "I understand you are upset about the email, but this is about your truthfulness and we need to discuss that". Just keep saying something like that if he keeps trying to turn it on you. Link to post Share on other sites
babybear Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 Personally, I'd be hurt that I took him back based on a "truth" that wasn't really the truth. If he had come clean, who knows if you would have made the same decisions. And that's probably what made him lie in the first place. I think it's really manipulative...but I can also see how it could be done to make the reality a little bit less ugly. Don't be concerned with the fact that you read his email...if he hadnt cheated in the first place, you wouldnt feel the need to go snooping around in his personal mails. Post-cheating is built on HONESTY and rebuilding that trust...and you can't build it up iif he's still hiding things from you. Babybear Link to post Share on other sites
Author bubblygrl5 Posted March 8, 2005 Author Share Posted March 8, 2005 Okay, so I confronted him about what I discovered. I told him I read his emails - and he wasn't mad that I snooped...but he was upset and said he felt like me doing things like that was taking "us" a step back b/c when we want to keep moving forward. I told him that the things I learned were news to me...and that he selfishly and conveniently hid some of it. Given what I know...which are new details to an old story...I'm not sure if I should call this quits. Right now I feel like if he never called me again I woulnt care...but it's probably an initial anger phase. He said to remember he didnt cheat again...but this makes me feel like he did all over again... Maybe I'm better off without any of this? Bubbly Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 Girl.. that's a tough answer you're asking. One thing is for sure: getting the topic back on the blackboard will make you feel as if he had done it again. And he's not. You chose to stay with him 2 years ago... why would you change your mind now??? Remember that we're all humans and that we make mistakes. Unless the detailshe shared with you give you a whole new perspective on his character, I say just erase this story. It happened too long ago! And you can't change it. HE's right, at this point you're suffering for nothing. What good does it do you? Can you make it go away??? He proved to you that he made his choice and has been faithfull ever since. It's your call but if you leave him now, you've waisted those 2 years staying with him after the affair.... Can I say what I think??? I think you never really got over the fact that he cheated. You've never really forgiven him. That's ok. Not every woman can do that. Accept that and put your life in order. The way you feel comfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
HotCaliGirl Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 The fact that he lied to you is just as worse as the cheating. Had he been honest about the details, you wouldn't be in this situation right now. What if he has lied about a lot of other things that, after all, would otherwise have made you upset or mad at him?! It's your call, but I can feel how upset you are. I hope he is being sympathetic towards your hurt feelings and not giving you the "it was so long ago" thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 Honestly, a person that admits the entire truth to their partner is a rare person indeed. It's almost like when the sh*t first hits the fan the person concocts the most ACCEPTABLE story at the time, to difuse the situation. As time goes on they are reluctant to change or admit to more because it means backing down from their original story, which only scrapes the surface. Kind of like "that's my story, and I'm sticking to it" It's not unusual at all that your boyfriend lied. See, in your mind it was already more acceptable as a one night stand two months into a out of country trip than it was as a weeklong (or more) connection two weeks into it. It's not so much "sugarcoating" as downplaying the significance of the action and betrayal so he doesn't have to deal with it. Playing it off as a one night stand makes it less "cheating". Obviously, as you took it that way enough to keep him on. Really, we as human beans need to draw lines in the sand in our relationships. Like what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't. You can decide at ANY time wether this relationship is worthy of you or not, never forget that. If you choose to break up with your BF two years down the road because of cheating, that is your choice, and please do not feel like since so much time has passed you don't have the right to be angry about it. You do. Especially since he lied about details (Most cheaters do) So, sit him down and talk to him. Don't ask him if it's true, simply state you're aware of the details of the affair and you know he wasn't truthful to you. Think about what you want out of a relationship with a man. Is this it? Do you want a man that cheated on you-so 10 years down the road you can dwell on it? Whatever happens, please, PLEASE don't stay in a relationship that makes you nuts so as to not "waste" the time you've already put into it. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 It's hard to understand your situation. I understand that you feel all the pain again like it just happened... The thing is Spock is right but I think I'm right also. From my own experience, people don't cheat when they're happy. They cheat when they're in need of comfort. Some women may tell you that they cheat because they can. I don't agree. And since there usually is a cause behing the cheating, the situation, the pressure, the emotional distress, analysing all the situation that took place 2 years ago is difficult. Almost impossible. Of course you feel frustrated... but your relationship did change before that. My point: it's not the fact that you've stayed 2 more years, but the fact that when it happened, you chose to stay. And that he worked on it. And that you've tried to rebuild and make your relationship work again... You're biased from many point of view. I believe in the emotional nature of men. IT's there. I trust your man is a good man and not a womaniser. That's my hypothesis. It's not like in court when each party can bring evidence to the harm done emotionally. I don't know if I'm making myself clear because of the languange (English is not my native language). IT' ok to be hurt. But it's useless to persist in something that you cannot PROPERLY solve. I'm sorry, but if you look back all you see are the facts. And they are not the ultimate truth. Emotions that lie behind them are. It's quite hard what I'm saying but you're making yourself miserable for nothing. You could have pressed him for the truth 2 years ago. You could have found this out then; on the spot. But confronting the fact that you've been cheated is horrible, to the self esteem of any woman... So the question I have for you is: why now? What changed? What made you want to have a second look? Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 Personally: if i am caught doing something wrong, and then i get asked questions about the incident, I will likely tell what i think the person knows, and bare minimum info on questions asked. This way you may not know just how "bad" i really was the time i got caught, so i will tell you only what you know. and IF i want to do It again....well they do not know EVERYTHING, and all the ways i can decieve. Heck, i may still be doing the bad thing while i am telling you i am not. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 It's very dangerous to generalise. Not all people who cheated once continue to cheat... not all men will cheat because they can... not everyone lies when they can... Thanks Lord for that! Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 Originally posted by CurlyIam It's very dangerous to generalise. Not all people who cheated once continue to cheat... not all men will cheat because they can... not everyone lies when they can... Thanks Lord for that! well i was speaking more of just getting caught doing something bad, not just cheating. Let's say cheating on a test. maybe i will admit i looked on someone else's paper, when i really found where the answer sheets were hidden, and had memeorized the answers. That way, in the future, i will be watched to make sure my eyes are on my paper, which they will be, cause i have already looked at the answers. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 I see what you mean. What I'm saying is that you won't necessarily try to cheat at th next quiz test! Link to post Share on other sites
Author bubblygrl5 Posted March 8, 2005 Author Share Posted March 8, 2005 MR. SPOCK - Thanks, girl. CURLY - I guess the case isn't really that something has changed, it's that even 2 years down the road I am still having to deal with this, and I realize that if I stay with him 2 more years, the issues will still be there. So, the question is, how long do I want all of this in my life? I'm starting to think that I don't want to work out problems forever...I don't want to have a bf that cheated on me, forever...I want to let go of the issues, and the stress! Last night I felt like it happened all over again. Maybe I am NOT that woman who can see past this, and like SPOCK said, do I want to dwell on this for the next 10 years? I think that when we first got back together I was younger, and I really wanted him...and I was so optimistic about him. And now I see the reality of it...and I am not sure if I want this anymore. Bubbly Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 So I guess your answer to my question is that you're older, but wiser. I was hoping to tell me about the depth of your feelings for him and about how solid your relatiship is... Maybe you should get out of it, then. Like I was saying, not all women can forgive. I've found out that my bf got drank one night and started flirting with this girl. She ended up trying to kiss him. That's what he's givin' me. It's not the only problem we have, but it's as close as I've ever been to being cheated. I totally understand not wanting to take that.... Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 Do you think he would have said something like this " Oh honey ,well I met this really hot girl and we had sex many nights , in the van, at the motel , in our bed " He is not going to admit the gory details and he is not going to admit how much time he really spent with her. He is not going to admit to anything less than what wont *hurt* you. I honestly would not trust my husband/bf if he slept with someone else...That is why you are still living in 2 years ago and he wants to live in *today*. Easy for him to do but YOU have to live with the fact that he cheated.... Should we congratulate him when he reminds you that he has not cheated lately ? Can you be sure he won't again ? ( The answer to that is NO you cannot gaurantee that he will never do it again ) I'm sorry but cheaters really irk me.....If you are single...live the single life...if you are married...act married ... Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 The thing is ... if you don't know that your man isn't cheating doesn'tmean he's not cheating. If he didn't cheat on you yet, it doesn't mean he won't do it in the future, just like his having an affair does not mean he'll keep having affairs. MAry, you're biased. I don't know any woman found of cheating. What I do know that if cheating occurs it's not HIS problem, it's THEIR problem. It means that they had problems prior to that. It means that THEY must work on it. The minute you start putting the blame on the other person, you might as well leave, 'cause it's over. You aren't thinking in terms of a relationship anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bubblygrl5 Posted March 8, 2005 Author Share Posted March 8, 2005 We talked online for alittle while - and I still feel no desire to get back with him. I know cheating is wrong, but as long as I thought it was just physical, I guess it was a little bit less awful. The moment I read emails about being an emotional connection, is when I lost it. He says he doesnt know why I try to learn new facts, and that it is self destuctive. Yes, it is, but I can't help it. I feel like I need KNOW everything in order to move on. Maybe that's not right, but I cant' help it. I can't stop seeing the old guy...I dont see the new changed man. I just dont see it. I see a guy who got away with something. I read emails from a girl, and he wrote that we broke up for the trip. That's total BS. We were fully together the entire time... I dont know what to do. I guess I should just move on....I don't know if I'm happy with what I've done, or if I wish I hadnt done it... Curiousity killed the cat...as the saying goes. Thanks guys, it helps me to read your replies. Bubbly Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 Read Spock's post. It's totally ok not to be fine with what he did. You were ok with physical cheating. Emotional cheating is much much more terrible. Take your time... it's awful to ask you that, but what if he or you have to move again? Could you trust him again? I'm so sorry you have to go through this.... Curly Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 You don't HAVE to forgive, that's your choice. It is a good idea if you do want to keep him around. I see SO many dysfunctional relationships where one party has spent YEARS fighting to keep the other around, through cheating, etc-then when the dust is settled and 20 years have gone by they find out they don't really want the prize anymore. Is that what you want? Ask yourself if you think that there is someone out there for you who won't cheat and lie (the whole bit about saying you were broken up is so TACKY) and who won't poison the relationship. This will fester. So if you plan to stay you need to deal with it, professionally. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bubblygrl5 Posted March 9, 2005 Author Share Posted March 9, 2005 Shortly after I talked to him online and then posted about it here, he showed up at my door. Apparently he had broken down at work, and left to come talk things out with me. Usually when we fight, I always have to talk about it, but this time I was the one who didnt want to talk. He told me everything I expecteed to hear...he loves me...needs me...blah blah blah. I told him that I do believe he has changed, but that his selfishness caused me a lot of pain - and that what does us being together do? I said that I want more than this relationship will EVER bring me...b/c I want a clean slate, and he and I already have a mark across ours. I asked him if I dont deserve more from someone? He says that we have been to the darkest place, and that we could make anything work if we both try. I said I wanted some time and space to think - and showing up at my house was pressuring me, and he shouldnt do that anymore. He told me that if and when I want to talk, I can ask him ANY detail about the trip, adn he will answer honestly, if I truly believe it will help me. I agreed that I would not see anybody else for right now, and that we're not broken up...just thinking about things. Ordinarily, I would try to get over it...but we've been together 3 yrs, and I'm seriously starting to evaluate if we should move forward in our lives and move beyond this. We're not 19 year olds...and if I KNOW I can't get over this, I should let us both move on. He asked if I wanted to see a counselor, and I said maybe it's a good idea. He told me he would agree to anything to make us move foreward. So, we''ll see how it goes for now. Thanks again guys! Ur the best! Bubbly Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 Good. Glad to hear it. Keep us updated. Link to post Share on other sites
Rene Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 Hi Bubbly, I have never had to deal with what you are dealing with so I really don’t know how I would react. But one thing struck me while reading your story, I think I personally would prefer my partner to have an emotional affair than a physical one – if heaven forbid I had to choose. You are more hurt by finding out your bf had emotions involved. Is it that its just ANOTHER thing to deal with after 2 years of work, and that you are getting worn down with having to deal with this not knowing if its ever going to be right and its chipped away at your love for bf? or is it that the emotional aspect is more hurtful to you? I would prefer an emotional affair because although at the time of the affair its higher risk in that the cheating could lead to the partner leaving after forming this emotional attachment. It would mean that you have something tangible – an emotional need of his to fill so you actually have something to work on. If the affair was purely physical, there would be no way I could fix it – so if he was tempted to stray due to physical lust – he could do it again as he’s controlled by something that his love for his gf doesn’t affect at all. It would also mean that he would be prepared to risk everything with his gf for something as shallow as a 1 night stand/1 week stand. Both styles are ultimately selfish as you like, but the emotional version at least has some ‘morals’ about it for me. I hope you don’t believe that you have wasted the last 2 years, you must have found a lot out about yourself and that can never be a waste. Rene Link to post Share on other sites
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