Feelings About Marriage

[SixthSt.Girl]

I want to know about OWs' feelings about the sacrament of marriage. I am not a OW myself, though my boss and I are involved in a kind of flirtation game. It was initiated mutually, through a casual conversation that went astray. Honestly, I am not sure where it's headed. One of us backs off, and it starts again. Anyway, I must admit that I don't feel guilty at all. I am not married, and do not believe in the sacrament of marriage. I used to be pretty religious, but the right-wing's ownership of morality and their judgemental attitude has me running in the other direction. It's sad that I'm losing my religion this way. It has given me the chance to go to "the other side" and see things from a different perspective. I no longer see marriage as a goal, something that I want to obtain. I think marriage is very unhealthy - I don't want to fall in love with one person and stay with him for life. I sell wedding bands, and most of these men look like they're headed for a torture chamber. It's clear that they don't give a rip what a princess cut is or even know what kind of jewelry their wives wear! It makes me wonder if they approach marriage that way, what hope does it have? In all, I don't respect the sacrament of marriage, and have no problem with pursuing or being pursued by a married man. I feel that marriage traps people and puts unneccessary stress and pressure on their lives to maintain these relationships. I just wondered if any OW feel this way - do you truly think that what you are doing is ok? I have decided that my personal morality alone will dictate my actions, and I'm not giving into what our sacred Amurcan culture believes. Everyone knows that Dubya would sleep around if he could actually find a women who would do him, lol! Wow, I feel liberated already...

[lynnered]

I want to know about OWs' feelings about the sacrament of marriage

 

i do believe in sacrament of marriage but,

yup but at time A began i wasn't even thinking of that,

all i was thinking was I'm in love with this guy ,

i never done anything like this (wild /I'm such a nice girl),I'm going to make love to him 1x and thats it.

WRONG

you do what you feel is best ,you know you

 

why if you just want some D you can get that from a single guy!!

 

I feel that marriage traps people and puts unnecessary stress and pressure on their lives to maintain these relationships

then don't get married .

 

i feel what i did was right ,because i went with my heart nobody has the right to judge me

the only thing i feel bad about is the outcome ,2 years as friends 4 yearsA and he's still with her he loves me ,i love him &there's to much to go into reasons why ,

what if for some reason you become attached and cant let go?

and also i shouldn't say this but ,

i guess even though it hurt after its over i broke it off 7 weeks ago,

a part of me is glad i did it at least shared some of my life with someone who i still feel is my soul mate (depends what day it is!!)

I'm not trying to encourage or discourage you ,

only you can decide

if i had all the information from this site before hand no i don't think i would have done it !!

even though you don't personally believe in marriage for you ,

can you see that for some it means something ?

and to respect that?

[dimplz824]

I was married, now divorced. And will not marry again for those same reasons. I am an OW. I don't think that my new belief regarding M is because I am a OW. It comes from 10 years of a loveless M. I think that I won't be able to be with one man my whole life. Yeah that is what I thought b4 M. But that is what I was taught. I was also pretty religious b4 the A. And that also played a huge part. But the A has made me look at the whole religion thing in a new light as well. You kinda have to when all they tell you is what you are doing is so wrong. How can it be so wrong when if feels so right.

 

**I feel that marriage traps people and puts unneccessary stress and pressure on their lives to maintain these relationships.** I totally agree with this, couldn't have said it better myself. Yeah I also think that what I am doing is okay. Personally you can't help who you fall in love with. And I also think that if you love someone it is not okay to let them go or cut them out of your life just because they are M. It does complicate things. I don't expect my MM to leave his W. Yeah I wish I could be with him more and that she wouldn't "get in the way". If he leaves her great! But I am not looking for M again.

 

Marriage is just a piece of paper saying that you are not supposed to love another person, but you can't help what is destined to happen in your future.

 

Just my two cents worth.

[izzybelle]

i agree with dimplz. i have very little desire to get married but it has nothing to do with having been an OW. well, maybe i shouldn't say it has nothing to do with it but it is not the main reason. i've been married 2x and well... if that wasn't enough to convince me to not get married again, i don't know what is.

 

i would love some day to be involved in a long term relationship but i don't believe that marriage is necessary. i don't need a ring and a piece of paper to make me feel commited, either it's there or it's not.

[Sad Flower]

I feel that marriage traps people and puts unnecessary stress and pressure on their lives to maintain these relationships

 

I think the same!

[moimeme]

I think marriage is very unhealthy -

 

Well that's all peachy keen and groovy for you - don't get married. But that doesn't give you leave to decide for the rest of the world what it ought to be doing or not doing, nor does it give you the right to break into marriages made by people who do believe in it.

 

I'm guessing you can't see the George Dubyaness (i.e. hypocrisy) in hating him and then doing exactly what he does - trying to dictate to the world.

[SixthSt.Girl]

Originally posted by moimeme

 

 

Well that's all peachy keen and groovy for you - don't get married. But that doesn't give you leave to decide for the rest of the world what it ought to be doing or not doing, nor does it give you the right to break into marriages made by people who do believe in it.

 

I'm guessing you can't see the George Dubyaness (i.e. hypocrisy) in hating him and then doing exactly what he does - trying to dictate to the world.

 

I'm not trying to dictate what anyone does. How or why would I do that (?). I DO have the right to sleep with anyone I want or "break into marriages." "Those people who believe in it" should keep their eyes and hands to themselves if they really believe in marriage. I don't respect marriage - to those who do, fine. As long as they don't bug me about not being married or ask where my ring is (which I'm sick of since I'm only 23), I don't care, lol. If they do, I'll bring up all the arguements with their spouses that they whine about 24/7. I don't want to hear about marriages, happy or not. Married life sounds very BO-ring to me....

[dimplz824]

We (ow) do NOT break into marriages. Marriages are already broken before A start. If others believe in the sacrament then I guess their marriages are unbreakable. They don't need to worry and should have security within their marriage. Nothing wrong with that for them, as long as both H and W withing the M feel the same.

 

No one said anything about dictating what other people do.

[moimeme]

Married life sounds very BO-ring to me....

 

All life is what you make it.

[izzybelle]

All life is what you make it.

 

yes, ultimately it is but when you feel trapped in an unhappy marriage, breaking those ties is a difficult thing to do. and because of the stigma placed on divorce by society, and the sheer cost in disolving a marriage, life is sometimes a bit more difficult to manage. marriage is something that is right for some and oh so wrong for others, and i've been involved in debates on this topic in other sections of this site. there will always, always be a great divide on the subject. those who are much more religious than i am share some very different views about the sanctity of marriage. having been there, done that, i have no strong desire to go back. funny, i said before that being an OW had little impact on that, i may change my view. i could have, just a year ago, seen myself marrying my MM, but after what happened and, perhaps more importantly, after reading post after post from those who have been betrayed, i'm not sure i could do it. or more importantly that i want to. perhaps prince charming will come riding in on his white horse and i might change my mind. and then again, perhaps there's a better chance of me regaining my virginity so i could be the virgin bride! neither scenario is very likely.

[BlockHead]

SixthSt.Girl

I DO have the right to sleep with anyone I want or "break into marriages.”

What if you ruin the lives of a few children in the process?

Maybe some of you ladies don’t realize how much it screws up the kids if there are any.

 

I guess “consequences” isn’t part of your vocabulary.

izzybelle

yes, ultimately it is but when you feel trapped in an unhappy marriage, breaking those ties is a difficult thing to do. and because of the stigma placed on divorce by society, and the sheer cost in disolving a marriage, life is sometimes a bit more difficult to manage.

Maybe these are a few reasons why you should take marriage seriously.

izzybelle

i could have, just a year ago, seen myself marrying my MM, but after what happened and, perhaps more importantly, after reading post after post from those who have been betrayed, i'm not sure i could do it.

There are risks associated with everything you do. You risk a getting into a car accident by diving, you risk drowning by bathing, you risk electrocution by using electrical appliances, and you risk heartbreak in any relationship.

Denying the pain is not a good way to deal with heartache.

izzybelle

and then again, perhaps there's a better chance of me regaining my virginity so i could be the virgin bride! neither scenario is very likely.

There is a difference between an open door and a revolving door.

[erika2610]

Originally posted by moimeme

Well that's all peachy keen and groovy for you - don't get married. But that doesn't give you leave to decide for the rest of the world what it ought to be doing or not doing, nor does it give you the right to break into marriages made by people who do believe in it.

 

I'm guessing you can't see the George Dubyaness (i.e. hypocrisy) in hating him and then doing exactly what he does - trying to dictate to the world.

 

She's not deciding what's right for everybody in the world.. she's stating her personal opinion. Judging from all your other posts, I don't know why you feel the need to be so harsh with everyone. Most of us here are or were OW, and we come here to talk to other OW.. get advice and support. Not be judged..

[erika2610]

Originally posted by SixthSt.Girl

I want to know about OWs' feelings about the sacrament of marriage. I am not a OW myself, though my boss and I are involved in a kind of flirtation game. It was initiated mutually, through a casual conversation that went astray. Honestly, I am not sure where it's headed. One of us backs off, and it starts again. Anyway, I must admit that I don't feel guilty at all. I am not married, and do not believe in the sacrament of marriage. I used to be pretty religious, but the right-wing's ownership of morality and their judgemental attitude has me running in the other direction. It's sad that I'm losing my religion this way. It has given me the chance to go to "the other side" and see things from a different perspective. I no longer see marriage as a goal, something that I want to obtain. I think marriage is very unhealthy - I don't want to fall in love with one person and stay with him for life. I sell wedding bands, and most of these men look like they're headed for a torture chamber. It's clear that they don't give a rip what a princess cut is or even know what kind of jewelry their wives wear! It makes me wonder if they approach marriage that way, what hope does it have? In all, I don't respect the sacrament of marriage, and have no problem with pursuing or being pursued by a married man. I feel that marriage traps people and puts unneccessary stress and pressure on their lives to maintain these relationships. I just wondered if any OW feel this way - do you truly think that what you are doing is ok? I have decided that my personal morality alone will dictate my actions, and I'm not giving into what our sacred Amurcan culture believes. Everyone knows that Dubya would sleep around if he could actually find a women who would do him, lol! Wow, I feel liberated already...

 

What about the W's of the MM? She obviously respects and believes in Marriage. Why would you sleep with her H? Why would you wanna hurt her?

[Mr Spock]

All a bunch of bullsh*t.

 

 

It's his marriage, let him worry about his own goddamn kids and his own "sacrament".

 

 

Besides, it's not religion that should be keeping you out of the pants of someone else's lover it's human decency.

 

 

If that doesn't move you.......

 

 

Know that the excitement of a new relationship with someone who's REALLY sexually in to you (why wouldn't it be, it's soley what they want) wears off FAST when you realize you're attached to them, and they won't ever leave. Because they don't. The only way those men will leave is if she kicks them out. Which doesn't happen very often.

 

My moral compass is different from others. I can tell you that if I were to meet an attached man I would NOT enter a relationship with him sexual or otherwise.

 

Not because he's married. But because it works out badly for me. I still don't feel guilty about f*cking who I want to-but I don't care to go through that same emotional wringer again.

 

I don't preach to you about the "wrongness" of it all.

 

 

But I am telling you you're only going to get burned. Because we tend to fool ourselves thinking we're the exception rather than the rule. Monagamy is only useful when it applies to someone WE care about.......

 

 

So in summary, you're full of sh*t, just as much as blockhead is.

 

 

Give your head a shake. Liberation doesn't have to include liberation from intelligence.

 

 

I won't bother to say "find someone SINGLE" because that's a cop out stupid people use when giving advice. Instead I say "Find someone ELSE you're sexually attracted to, and FAST"

 

 

Also, dating co workers is an extremely poor move. Dating your boss is even WORSE. Although I suppose there are some advantages to blowing the person who does your performance reports.

 

You're going to do what you're going to do. Just acknowledge right now, on cyber paper, that you are A. Going to get attached to this man if you sleep with him for a prolonged period of time. B. That pretending you're a free spirit does not protect you from the emotions of such attachments

C.This will end badly for you no matter what

D. This will end badly for you no matter what

E. Fooling yourself into thinking you're truly different is a bad idea.

[Mr Spock]

My moral compass is different from others. I can tell you that if I were to meet an attached man I would NOT enter a relationship with him sexual or otherwise.

 

Let's modify this to say "If I met an attached man AGAIN"

 

 

Hopefully, history will not repeat itself.

[BlockHead]

Mr Spock

It's his marriage, let him worry about his own goddamn kids and his own "sacrament".

I don’t think you know many people who grew up with divorced parents.

Mr Spock

Liberation doesn't have to include liberation from intelligence.

You were liberated from compassion and a conscience?

You must think self-love is a wonderful thing.

 

I know you can justify almost anything with moral relativity.

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by BlockHead

I don’t think you know many people who grew up with divorced parents.

You were liberated from compassion and a conscience?

You must think self-love is a wonderful thing.

 

I know you can justify almost anything with moral relativity.

 

Then you don't think much do you blockhead?

 

Read my post. Then answer.

 

There is no point in telling someone it's wrong to do something if they don't feel that it is. So instead one tries to find a different way to express why something isn't a good idea.

[SixthSt.Girl]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

All a bunch of bullsh*t.

 

 

It's his marriage, let him worry about his own goddamn kids and his own "sacrament".

 

 

Besides, it's not religion that should be keeping you out of the pants of someone else's lover it's human decency.

 

 

If that doesn't move you.......

 

 

Know that the excitement of a new relationship with someone who's REALLY sexually in to you (why wouldn't it be, it's soley what they want) wears off FAST when you realize you're attached to them, and they won't ever leave. Because they don't. The only way those men will leave is if she kicks them out. Which doesn't happen very often.

 

My moral compass is different from others. I can tell you that if I were to meet an attached man I would NOT enter a relationship with him sexual or otherwise.

 

Not because he's married. But because it works out badly for me. I still don't feel guilty about f*cking who I want to-but I don't care to go through that same emotional wringer again.

 

I don't preach to you about the "wrongness" of it all.

 

 

But I am telling you you're only going to get burned. Because we tend to fool ourselves thinking we're the exception rather than the rule. Monagamy is only useful when it applies to someone WE care about.......

 

 

So in summary, you're full of sh*t, just as much as blockhead is.

 

 

Give your head a shake. Liberation doesn't have to include liberation from intelligence.

 

 

I won't bother to say "find someone SINGLE" because that's a cop out stupid people use when giving advice. Instead I say "Find someone ELSE you're sexually attracted to, and FAST"

 

 

Also, dating co workers is an extremely poor move. Dating your boss is even WORSE. Although I suppose there are some advantages to blowing the person who does your performance reports.

 

You're going to do what you're going to do. Just acknowledge right now, on cyber paper, that you are A. Going to get attached to this man if you sleep with him for a prolonged period of time. B. That pretending you're a free spirit does not protect you from the emotions of such attachments

C.This will end badly for you no matter what

D. This will end badly for you no matter what

E. Fooling yourself into thinking you're truly different is a bad idea.

 

 

Oh my, you sound quite bitter. Have you had the experience of losing a loved one to an extramarital affair, may I ask? First of all, insulting me or my intelligence doesn't make me want to listen to you. I didn't read past the first few sentences. You should be banned from this board for making those comments, but if not, you're not going to scare me and DEFINITELY won't make me change my mind at all or feel anything but humoured by your anger and obvious fear and frustration. I'm sorry you feel threatened by those that choose to live a different way and how shall I say it, share their love freely. I feel pity for you and hope that you can maybe get yourself some love.

[Debster]

Sixth St. Girl,

 

You got Mr. Spock all wrong. She was the OW not the betrayed spouse.

[moimeme]

Spock used to sound just like you, Sixth. She learned the hard way. She's trying to give you the benefit of her experience. She knows it's all but futile because many of us tried to warn her. But people like her and Owl and GM and me try to warn you, persuade you, give you reasons to not go ahead with this foolishness. A very few will listen. The rest will run themselves headlong into brick walls, end up seriously damaged, and then realize the warnings were all correct. It's sad to watch but it's human nature.

[BlockHead]

SixthSt.Girl

I feel pity for you and hope that you can maybe get yourself some love.

I have my doubts.

SixthSt.Girl

I'm sorry you feel threatened by those that choose to live a different way and how shall I say it, share their love freely.

You are talking about imitation love. For some people, it is the next best thing to the real love.

 

Are you looking for justification? I think you are.

 

I can use moral relativity to justify child molestation.

moimeme

The rest will run themselves headlong into brick walls, end up seriously damaged, and then realize the warnings were all correct.

I disagree. They’ll just delude themselves and continue to run into brick walls having learned nothing like one of those twilight zone moments.

[Mr Spock]

Oh my, you sound quite bitter. Have you had the experience of losing a loved one to an extramarital affair, may I ask?

 

You sound like you are issuing a challenge-to yourself. "Can I get an involved man to sleep with me?" It's not hard. Men will f*ck mud. You'll also find out the hard way that it's usually the "extramarital piece" that loses out.

 

 

 

 

 

She knows it's all but futile because many of us tried to warn her.

 

Oh fie on that Moi.....we all know deep down what we're doing, the thing that makes us different is how much denial we are in at any given time.

 

 

 

 

First of all, insulting me or my intelligence doesn't make me want to listen to you. I didn't read past the first few sentences. You should be banned from this board for making those comments

 

Obviously you read a bit further, as I didn't reference intelligence until halfway down my post.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm sorry you feel threatened by those that choose to live a different way and how shall I say it, share their love freely. I feel pity for you and hope that you can maybe get yourself some love.

 

 

Again, you have NO clue. The point is that a man who is married does not share his love freely, he shares his penis. I am all for fornication. Fornication Forever. I don't think there should be any negative connotations associated with two consenting adults. Just don't fool yourself about sleeping with married people.

 

 

Proving your spirtual independance and sexual identity by involving yourself with a man that can't, and won't return the same level you put into things isn't noble, or creative, or admirable it's just stupid. Regardless of married, or single.

 

 

 

 

I DO have the right to sleep with anyone I want or "break into marriages." "Those people who believe in it" should keep their eyes and hands to themselves if they really believe in marriage. I don't respect marriage - to those who do, fine.

 

 

I don't let attatched status stop me either, you giant dumbass-I'm just saying you are not the exception to the rule, you are not special or different in any way. You will get attached just like every, other single woman out there.

 

 

And it will end badly for you. 99 percent of the time.

 

 

I don't feel threatened by your "lifestyle" because you're a small fish in comparison there hun. Just know that you are not immune to the same trap that befalls others simply because you feel your morality is different from the accepted norm.

[moimeme]

Men will f*ck mud

 

 

Exactly. Which is why having a man hot for your body isn't usually much of a compliment.

 

Oh fie on that Moi.....we all know deep down what we're doing, the thing that makes us different is how much denial we are in at any given time.

 

And some of you fight like hellcats to try to convince us that you are perfectly fine and not in denial at all and boy do you *hate* when your bluff is called. Which is why the reactions now from the new crop.

 

You will get attached just like every, other single woman out there.

 

And it will end badly for you. 99 percent of the time.

 

The worst denial is pretending you can screw around and not get involved. Precious few people who aren't already head cases manage that. And a bunch of the ones who do are called sociopaths.

 

The miserable fact is that biology has actually designed us to get attached to people we have sex with. Play with that at your own risk. Might as well try to fool gravity.

[Mr Spock]

And that's all I am trying to to, Original Poster, is to get rid of that. De Nile is a river, with a bitch of a current.

 

I'm not telling you it's wrong to hump a married man. I'm telling you you WILL get burned from it.

[Mr Spock]

Exactly. Which is why having a man hot for your body isn't usually much of a compliment.

 

It is when you yourself state it's impossible for women to seperate sex and emotion. When someone makes you feel special, regardless of motive or intent it's a powerful thing.

 

 

 

 

 

And some of you fight like hellcats to try to convince us that you are perfectly fine and not in denial at all and boy do you *hate* when your bluff is called. Which is why the reactions now from the new crop.

 

People who post on this board make the mistake of banding together which confuses the issue instead of helping them in their own individual issues. No one wants to realize that the feelings they are experiencing won't go anywhere, it's something they have to figure out. It is useless to tell someone to "walk away" if they aren't ready to do it. Instead, helping the person sort through their feelings until they ARE at that stage is probably more appropriate.

 

 

The other thing is realizing that it's not that we CAN'T walk away, it's that we don't WANT to. There is no shame in admitting this, and it's important. It doesn't make your feelings any less valid to be in love with someone when you knew full well they weren't available but boinked them anyways. Because they're YOUR feelings. It's just a matter of now how long you will tolerate misery for this person. And recognizing the patterns so you don't do it again. NOT because George W Bush is trying to legislate your vagina, or because marriage is a crock of BS, or because we should be able to do what we want in the bedroom-but because we don't want to torture ourselves like that any more.

 

It's about removing the "what if" school of though from our minds. We stay in misery because we fear that if we force a choice it won't be us. If we leave, he won't come running. If the marriage splits up and I'm not there, will he get someone else? Once you get past the point of caring, you're ready to stop.