I think I'm doing it Wrong.

[Chris1479]

Hello Loveshackians, I don't post very often but I've written a few posts over the years and always had a very positive and helpful response.

 

A little background about myself to start with: I'm 28 (my birthday was a few days ago, perhaps that's what prompted this) and 5 years ago I left Britain after graduating university to find a job and - at the time - to be with a young woman who I'd become fond of. Obviously that finished as many relationships do and although I was very unhappy I did eventually manage to move on.

 

I worked a job I was very indifferent about for around 4 years here in Berlin and I'm still here. So I guess you could say my reasons for being here are... mixed, to say the least. Although someone mentioned in passing to me the other day that I'd be surprised how many guys end up in places they're indifferent to for this very reason. So, my previous job was crushing me. I was in a very very serious state, my drinking was out of control, the isolation of this city had become unbearable, my health was just in a mess combined with smoking too much as well as smoking other things just to cope with the boredom and unhappiness.

 

So I quit my job in April before I did something bad to myself that went further than just ruining my own health and I moved in with my gf, I had some reservations about it but for various reasons I just went for it. That aspect is actually one that I really can't complain about and is ok.

 

And now, here we are in September, and I'm probably 30lbs lighter and gave up drinking and smoking completely and took up weightlifting and boxing instead. I've not been so healthy or strong since I was 18 years old, arguably I'm healthier than I've ever been. Furthermore I also started working for Paypal for a better salary and a more interesting job.

 

Which brings me in a roundabout way back to the start where I mentioned my birthday and something that I admit is very petty. After having my birthday ruined by a dreadful Spanish restaurant that ripped me and my gf off, and noticing that not a single person I knew had even wished me happy birthday, I remembered back to when I was breaking up with my last gf (or she with me, rather) and I mentioned to her that the single thing that had bothered me most in life was the transitory nature of all my friendships and relationships, and being in a city exemplifies this. In fact, I would say that Berlin has to be the single most hostile, anti-social, balls-out unfriendly place I've ever lived: I partly got the motivation for benchpress/deadlifting/squatting/boxing from the sheer fact that if you don't have either money or look like you could physically dominate people you get treated like dog sh-t. Furthermore every dealing with a company or business I have is more or less like my experience at the Spanish restaurant: 'Brace yourself and be ready for a God damn argument at all times because people are going to take the piss.'

 

In fact, since I went through these changes and shaved my head (see my other thread on that lol) and put on some muscle I actually get as much agro as I do respect off people, everything from people assuming I am a thug but being intimidated (snide remarks before looking away, petty stuff, peoples' attitude when they serve me in shops is different) to getting what I originally wanted which is simply to not be treated like crap any more.

 

Which in a roundabout way brings me to what I need to say. After 28 years on this planet and having had so many people fade in and out along with different cities and relationships, coping with peoples' hostility and indifference combined with the fact that I feel that I expend so much energy simply holding on (it'd be one thing if I was lonely but simply left to live in peace, rather than lonely but also routinely ripped off and given nothing but agro by people who have no interest in anything but stealing from me by legal means) the pressure is weighing like a millstone on my neck. I ask myself how this could possibly be worth it. How was this worth going through all the crap in my life? It wasn't.

 

I find consolation in weights, guitar and boxing. Thank God for those things. Because the rest of my life feels like one long slow-mo kick to the nuts and I'm sick to death of it.

 

Can someone brave enough to read this wall of text throw some light on this, some opinions, a different angle, is there something I'm not understanding about life here? Am I doing it wrong? What's wrong with me?

 

Thank you for reading

[Toodaloo]

It sounds to me as though you have surrounded yourself by ignorant people and have allowed yourself to assimilate to fit in.

 

Sounds to me like you have lost faith. Not just in yourself but in everyone else.

 

There is a heck of an amount of "hidden" aggression and anger in your post and the way in which you express yourself. Why do you feel you need to be aggressive? What are you angry about?

 

Why are you upset that no one remembered your birthday? Have you put in effort to remember theirs and make them feel special? What is it that you have given that you think is being taken away from you?

 

What was so awful about the restaurant?

[OwMyEyeball]

Your life exists where you lay your focus.

 

What you bring your mind's attention to and dwell on will develop the 'mental scenery' that depicts your attitude towards life.

 

There is more to life than what we focus on, much as there is more to any situation we step into. Walking through a forest you can only ever see, smell, hear, touch (and if you dare, taste) so much of what's there yet have only ever experienced an infinitesimal amount of whatever existed in that forest at any given moment. In just one square foot of forest floor lays enough to pique the interest of thousands of researchers, artists, farmers and more and inspired millions of hours of study, theorizing, creativity and wonder.

 

Back to your life as you experience and understand it. Whatever injustices, aggression, betrayal and misery you have encountered in your life all others have as well. Some more, some less. What can separate those who find joy and peace from those who struggle to piece together meaning is not their life situation, but their life interpretation. Those who find joy seek it out and lay their focus there. You can only find what you actively seek.

 

Something else you should bear in mind is your biology. You're still a young man who is also very physically active. Your testosterone levels are probably high. This of its own can heighten your sense of irritability and aggression. That on its own accord may account for how you feel about your life right now.

 

What in your life right now is good? What of Berlin is good? What of your friends and acquaintances?

[Chris1479]

Thank you so much for your responses, both posts immediately started the cogs turning in my head.

 

Toodaloo: I have to say my heart lurched slightly when I read about assimilating into a culture full of ignorant people. There is a huge incongruity or dissonance in how I have ended up feeling and acting compared to how I would really rather act given the chance. I am not a confrontational person or someone who enjoys conflict and it is for that reason that I find life here so exhausting. When you are surrounded by a never-ending flood of new faces and strangers who are so rude and unhelpful (unless you're giving them money) and furthermore many of whom hide behind helplines, desks, contracts and the usual trappings of officialdom - and I am totally powerless to act - it just enrages me. I won't go into excessive detail but since I left my job in April I would've been bankrupted and homeless twice over if I hadn't had a place to stay with my girlfriend purely due to a cocktail of mean-spirited incompetence and greed on behalf of every company or government agency I've dealt with.

 

I'm angry noone remembered my birthday because in years gone by I've believe it or not been considered a nice enough guy to warrant a few nice messages and is like I've gone backwards... I really envy people who have a stable circle of friends. Having so many people pass through my life, many of which I really respected and appreciated, has really cut me up over the years.

 

The restaurant symbolised everything that has and continues to bother me about life sometimes. When I complained about the terrible food the waiter literally laughed in my and my girlfriend's faces and expected a tip whilst ruining my birthday meal.

 

Owmyeyeball, I really appreciate your comment too and your points are very wise regarding the role of perspective in how we feel, I'm going to null this over a little more before I answer. I'd like to give reps too but I can't find the button.

Edited October 1, 2014 by Chris1479

[Toodaloo]

I have to say my heart lurched slightly when I read about assimilating into a culture full of ignorant people. There is a huge incongruity or dissonance in how I have ended up feeling and acting compared to how I would really rather act given the chance.

 

I don't like people who are not particularly nice so I make moves to remove them and contact with them where possible. Where this is not possible I remind myself that everyone is entitled to be the person that they want to be and am I not glad I don't want to be like that. It means that their behavior doesn't upset me so much.

 

So my circle is very small but it is solid.

 

You are responsible for your actions. No one else. If you are not the person you want to be then you are the only one who can change that. It takes courage to be nice when everyone around you is being vile. I have been there. I have lost "friends" over it. But I am not going to allow myself to be someone that can't look in the mirror.

 

If someone else is a prat - that is NOT YOUR doing. It is not your problem. It is theirs.

 

My advice to you is this. Be the person you want to be. If that person is one who smiles and is happy then you will "infect" those around you. When I go to London I play a game. I say hello and smile at as many people as I can. I can tell you now that on a good day perhaps 1 in 20 will smile or say hello back. It is a good way to get a seat on the tube though as they all seem to run away... At home in the villages where I work and live the kids wave back and pull faces back when I pass them in the mornings as they wait for the school bus, the shops assistants all smile, even the people on the end of the phone when I call the bank respond in a positive way because I treat them with kindness and respect.

 

If you want to be nice to people there is nothing but your own fear stopping you. You are not powerless. I know an old lady who told me to "kill them with kindness". She was feared by local government because they knew that she would not give up. I had to take her in some sandwiches once as she sat and waited for hours to make an appointment with someone who was avoiding her. She simply made time and sat and waited. She was friendly, polite and happy and she got what she wanted... Which was actually quite a lot and not many would have had the balls to ask for it. The same woman stopped when she saw a group of 15 or so teenagers wrecking a bus stop. She went and got them a cheap football. Teenagers were happier, they cleaned up the bus stop with out being asked and didn't trash it again.

 

Sometimes people treat me badly but its not often because I simply do not accept it. I suspect that they also feel like pooh treating someone who is nice to them badly... Thats human nature after all.

 

If a waiter had treated my friends/ family that way we would have simply got up and walked out. We would not have stayed. That waiter thought he could walk over you and so he did. There is a difference between being a push over and being nice. Many angry people are push overs because they are so busy being angry that they become "foggy" and stressed at the "injustice". Instead just accept that there are things that are going to upset and annoy you then allocate time to deal with them properly.

 

Kindness is far more powerful than you think and if you are kind it will have a knock on effect with all of those around you.

 

Perhaps your friends felt as though you wouldn't care about your birthday due to the anger inside you building. Calm your soul and they will come back.

 

You will end up happier.

 

If the area in which you live is horrible then there are 2 options.

1. Move

2. Invest in it by starting your own mini "karma army" and do good deeds and kind things every day. Eventually it will change. Probably sooner than you think...

[mightycpa]

Isn't a job with PayPal telecommuting? Can you transfer?

 

If you don't like where you are, find a way to leave. Do a little research before you go. Take your weights and guitar and boxing skills with you.

 

You're young and single and capable. Act like it.

 

Oh, and the nature of most relationships is indeed transitory, unless you live in a tribe of some kind. Expect it, and be grateful that you'll meet new and interesting people your entire life. Even in Berlin, I'd imagine.

[cerridwen]

Sorry, I didn't read the entire thread, but I did read your post.

 

I second anyone saying "move."

And I don't mean just apartment, or city, I mean country.

 

The world is vast, Chris and as mightycpa pointed out, you're young and largely unencumbered.

Research, then go!

Use your holiday pay/hours and go scope out locations first.

If you're feeling Europe isn't your bag, consider more far-flung places like

New Zealand and Australia.

Kiwis are lovely and an largely open-minded people.

Would you be open to relocating to a different country?