Newly Engaged - Disclose Past Affair When Married?

[jaspertree]

Although this is my first post, I have followed this forum for a long time and feel as though I already respect the opinions of so many of you. And now, I could really use your advice. Approximately 3 years ago I divorced my husband, to whom I was married for about 1 year. Our divorce was amicable, and we both agreed that we had mistakenly rushed into a flawed marriage.

 

But now, years later, I feel a crushing guilt with regard to the details of our divorce. Very shortly after we agreed to separate and pursue a dissolution, I became involved with someone who had previously been my friend. This is an anonymous internet forum, and I have no motivation to lie, so please take me at my word when I say I did not cheat on my husband at any point before our separation with this friend. We were close, but I had always had equally close male friends, and this was nothing out of the ordinary. (I have now realized that this is problematic and do not have such friendships anymore.) The problem is that now - looking back - I recognize how much of a motivation my attraction to this friend was for my initiating the divorce from my husband. Although I did not cheat on my husband at any point while he believed we were in a committed relationship, it was only a matter of weeks after we decided to divorce before this other man and I had confessed our feelings for each other. And while I am 100% certain that my husband and I would have divorced shortly anyway, with no regard for this friend (we both agreed that we were deeply incompatible and rushed into marriage), I am plagued by the thought of how this friend may have sped up the time table.

 

Looking back on this now, I cannot express how disgusting I find my actions. I was an immature, selfish child who showed no respect to her husband or consideration for her vows. I do not regret divorcing, but the emotional affair dynamics that surrounded it have left me with an overpowering sense of regret and guilt. I have since admitted all of this to my ex, and he holds no ill feelings toward me, but I cannot forgive myself. I suspect I will live with this guilt for many years, possibly even a lifetime.

 

However, what makes this situation even worse right now is that I have recently become engaged to a wonderful man. I sincerely believe that I am older now, and more mature; that I have taken things slowly with this new man, and avoided the mistakes I made in rushing into my first marriage; and that I desperately want a second chance to do correctly what I selfishly ruined the first time around. I was only 24 when I married the first time, and although youth is no excuse for immoral behavior, I do believe that maturity and growth can come with time. My new fiance knows about my previous marriage, but I have not discussed any details of my divorce. With a kind of respect that I can hardly even fathom, my fiance has never pressed me for details or even asked why I got divorced. He seems to trust me implicitly based on the healthy relationship we have.

 

However, as you can imagine, I am racked with guilt and doubt about whether I should go into detail about my divorce. On the one hand, I try to tell myself that I did not technically cheat, and just made extremely poor decisions in handling my divorce, so I am not bound to disclose anything to my new fiance. But I am having trouble finding this reasoning compelling, even in my own mind. Do I need to tell him all the details of my divorce and the EA overtones? Is it any of his business? If I have matured and realized the mistake of my actions, should I even risk telling him?

 

Please share any of your thoughts with me - I am in desperate conflict and have no idea what to do. Thank you.

[JS84]

I don't see why you'd have any obligation to tell him. Although it sounds like it's something you'd like to get off your chest so you can go into your new marriage with a clear conscious.

[evanescentworld]

......to get off your chest so you can go into your new marriage with a clear conscious.

 

(*Conscience).

 

Sorry....

[JS84]

Ugh np. I had a feeling I spelled that wrong. I was too lazy to verify.

[A.Moscote]

Imo it is reasonable to disclose this to your fiance, the way you have to us, with a lot of insight and remorse, not just to dwell in the past mistakes, but to prepare for the future you have been planning so patiently now. Take this chance to reflect and discuss it with him, the whats, hows, and whys. Build on the communication and openness with each other, there are so many valuable lessons both of you can learn from that experience.

 

Be brave and honest, for me, it is always okay to confess for the sake of marriage.

 

Otoh, glad that you have admitted to your ex, and got his forgiveness too. Hopefully that will be the impetus for you to finally forgive yourself later.

 

Lastly, congrats on finding a new man and love. Be careful and good luck.

[oldshirt]

You are carrying around an undue amount of baggage from your prior marriage that you need to address before it taints your current relationship for no valid reason.

 

Talk to a therapist, talk to a shrink, talk to a clergy person or take a trusted friend out and get drunk and spill your guts to the friend but do not burden your fiancé with this!

 

It's none of his business. Him knowing about your guilt will not benefit him or your relationship with him in any way and can only hurt it.

 

This is your baggage and your feelings of guilt. It's not for anyone else to carry. It's your job to address it appropriately and get it taken care of before going into your next marriage.

[oldshirt]

...and keep in mind you are both adults. Adults have baggage and have skeletons in their closet. He knows this and has skeletons of his own.

 

He knows you had a prior marriage and divorce under your belt. He knows how divorce works and is under no illusions that you were living on some cloud with your halo and that all your travels were through peaceful, green, rose covered valleys.

 

If you were to tell him, he'd probably snicker and call you a goody-two-shoes and name you Miss DoGooder. As far as divorces go, that was pretty light-weight and clean.

 

But the bottom line here is it's not his issue or his business and he has no reason for dealing with your dirty laundry. This is your cross to bare your responsibility to get it off your conscience in an effect manner which may mean with a counselor or a clergy or a wise old aunt or grandmother but not him.

[oldshirt]

I don't see why you'd have any obligation to tell him. Although it sounds like it's something you'd like to get off your chest so you can go into your new marriage with a clear conscious.

 

I agree, but that is what counselors, therapists, priests, pastors and wise old relatives are for. Not fiance's.

[jaspertree]

...and keep in mind you are both adults. Adults have baggage and have skeletons in their closet. He knows this and has skeletons of his own.

 

He knows you had a prior marriage and divorce under your belt. He knows how divorce works and is under no illusions that you were living on some cloud with your halo and that all your travels were through peaceful, green, rose covered valleys.

 

If you were to tell him, he'd probably snicker and call you a goody-two-shoes and name you Miss DoGooder. As far as divorces go, that was pretty light-weight and clean.

 

But the bottom line here is it's not his issue or his business and he has no reason for dealing with your dirty laundry. This is your cross to bare your responsibility to get it off your conscience in an effect manner which may mean with a counselor or a clergy or a wise old aunt or grandmother but not him.

 

Thank you - and everyone else - for your reply. I have had the same thought that you are expressing here: that ultimately, given the nature of what the "affair" was, it may do more harm than good to burden him with the knowledge. As you said, it is not his to bear. And if I even tell him this much, he may suspect there is more that I am hiding from him (even though there is not, and I know that he trusts me).

 

However, are there circumstances when you do think there is an obligation to tell a new partner about a past affair? What if it a person has a 2-year long , full-blown sexual affair that they conceal completely from their spouse? Five years on, are they obligated to go into detail to their new significant other? Do you guys have any thoughts on relative obligations here?

[JamesM]

I for the most part agree with the idea that you need not tell.

 

And then.....

 

What if I were the new husband to be? How would I feel if someone down the road told me that my wife had cheated while married?

 

I don't know.

 

And the question is...does this qualify as cheating?

 

 

Here is the thing. Will your past behavior be indicative of your future behavior? Will you go to another man's arms if your have trouble in this marriage?

 

If you never tell your new H, then he will never wonder if you will. If you tell him, then he will wonder every time you have a fight.

 

I don't have the answer, but honestly, you are carrying the baggage around.

 

It is bothering you. If you don't tell, then you will carry this guilt with you and one day confess after you have been married for awhile. If you tell him now and he says no big deal, then at least you know you have given him the chance to make a true decision to marry you. If you don't tell him and you get married, you may always wonder "Would he truly love me if he really knew about my past?" If you tell him after you marry, then you may wonder if he feels stuck or he may feel that he was conned.

 

Now I am leaning towards the "tell him everything as you told us" viewpoint.

[jaspertree]

I for the most part agree with the idea that you need not tell.

 

And then.....

 

What if I were the new husband to be? How would I feel if someone down the road told me that my wife had cheated while married?

 

I don't know.

 

And the question is...does this qualify as cheating?

 

 

Here is the thing. Will your past behavior be indicative of your future behavior? Will you go to another man's arms if your have trouble in this marriage?

 

If you never tell your new H, then he will never wonder if you will. If you tell him, then he will wonder every time you have a fight.

 

I don't have the answer, but honestly, you are carrying the baggage around.

 

It is bothering you. If you don't tell, then you will carry this guilt with you and one day confess after you have been married for awhile. If you tell him now and he says no big deal, then at least you know you have given him the chance to make a true decision to marry you. If you don't tell him and you get married, you may always wonder "Would he truly love me if he really knew about my past?" If you tell him after you marry, then you may wonder if he feels stuck or he may feel that he was conned.

 

Now I am leaning towards the "tell him everything as you told us" viewpoint.

 

Yes, I do wonder whether I need to tell him so he has a completely honest choice about whether to marry me. Honestly, I would not blame him for hesitating, as painful as that is to say. And I do fear whether I will be able to live my entire life with this secret. Thank you for your thoughts.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Yes, I do wonder whether I need to tell him so he has a completely honest choice about whether to marry me. Honestly, I would not blame him for hesitating, as painful as that is to say. And I do fear whether I will be able to live my entire life with this secret. Thank you for your thoughts.

 

For me personally, I know that I would not want to be with someone who does not accept who I am today, regardless of my past.

 

It seems that you have processed that time, self reflected and made changes. Shouldn't one be proud of that?

 

I firmly believe...that which can be destroyed by the truth....should be.

 

The choice ultimately is yours. What is your gut telling you?

[nightmare01]

I really don't see this as a big issue. However, it might be a good idea to have a sort of general conversation with your fiance about proper boundaries within your M. You can tell him about your past in the context of preventing the same thing happening again in your new M with him.

 

Talking about healthy borders before a M seems like a really good idea to me. While you are both in love with each other, and it seems impossible that your feelings will ever change, marriages do fall into a routine over time.

 

I've been married for over 35 years, and I know this well. With careers and future kids your focus will change and your relationship with your new husband will change and hopefully become mature. Once your M becomes routine there is a danger that someone will step in and lure you or your new H away, but good boundaries will prevent that.

[DKT3]

First you did cheat on your first husband. EA does more damage to a relationship then a PA. It changes the dynamic of the relationship and causes the WS to see both the marriage and the spouse in a different light. But you know this thus the guilt you carry now.

 

As far as telling, I think anything that could be a deal breaker should be shared. Also if there is a chance he could find out it should come from you. It maybe 5 years or 20 years down the line if people around you know then at some point he will as well. Would you want him to hear it from your ex? Or in a conversation with your friends?

 

I think this is about trust, do you trust your guy enough to share the hard stuff? Honestly if you don't then your starting off on the wrong foot.

 

Good luck in whichever direction you decide.

[Clay]

How can you ever hope to become a better person if you don't own your mistakes. You don't have to tell him but If it was me and I found out about it after the marriage you can bet you just killed any chances of having a long lasting meaningful marriage.

 

I could not trust you because you never trusted me with this information. You never gave me a chance to choose what I wanted in my life.

 

Just my thoughts.

 

While I might be hard on you for this I do want you to know I commend you for being a decent enough of a personal to own up to this and try to address this problem here. Most people that cheat just feel they are entitled to do so. You are making the right steps to addressing this and working hard to never do again.

 

Good for you

 

Clay

[oldshirt]

 

However, are there circumstances when you do think there is an obligation to tell a new partner about a past affair? What if it a person has a 2-year long , full-blown sexual affair that they conceal completely from their spouse? Five years on, are they obligated to go into detail to their new significant other? Do you guys have any thoughts on relative obligations here?

 

Have you had a two-year full brown affair that you haven't told us about yet????

 

Did your fiance?

 

 

If not, then why are you worrying about that? It's not relevant to this case?

[carhill]

OP, I think your questions would be great fodder for PMC in advance of your marriage. They're evidently on your mind and, at minimum, openly discussing mutual boundaries and other aspects of your upcoming marriage could be helpful in putting such matters to rest in your mind. Whether or not you disclose any specifics is entirely up to you. It's your choice.

 

One aspect to remember is that you can never know, for certain, what's in the mind of another, including your fiancé. He can have, and likely does have, his own 'stuff', probably some stuff similar to your stuff and some stuff uniquely his own, that is retained within his memories and known only to him. That's part of being human. The manner in which you and he each bring that stuff to your marriage will be unique to you, him and that marriage. You both decide. Best wishes in your decisions and upcoming nuptials!

[jaspertree]

Have you had a two-year full brown affair that you haven't told us about yet????

 

Did your fiance?

 

 

If not, then why are you worrying about that? It's not relevant to this case?

 

No, no. I'm just trying to think about hypothetical situations here to try to figure out what the ethical imperatives are - when you need to be honett with your partner versus just talking it out with a therapist, priest, etc.

[jaspertree]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to me here. After reading your replies, I am now leaning toward needing to address this with my fiance in some way to let him choose for himself whether he can live with this or not.

 

What do you think of this approach: I tell him that while I deeply appreciate the fact that he has never pressed me for details of my marriage or divorce, I understand that he has a right to know if he is now considering marrying me. I can then ask if there is anything about the divorce that he feels he needs to know, or that may influence his feelings about marrying me now. That way, if he truly would prefer not to hear about past my mistakes, he can let me know. Otherwise, if he does feel that he wants to hear details, I will be honest.

 

What do you think? Am I trying to take the easy way out here? I mean everything I said about wanting to get things right this time, no matter the consequences. It is just so hard to tell whether this is something that is worth ruining a good relationship over.

[carhill]

If your communication and conflict resolution dynamics are otherwise positive, meaning you and fiancé talk things out, listen to each other and act on those discussions in a way which strengthens your bond, then IMO broach your subjects on your own. If other, it might be healthier to do it together with a neutral third party who can address both the 'what' (your disclosures) and the 'how' (your interaction styles), working both areas to strengthen your relationship. Up to you. Good luck!

[oldshirt]

No, no. I'm just trying to think about hypothetical situations here to try to figure out what the ethical imperatives are - when you need to be honett with your partner versus just talking it out with a therapist, priest, etc.

 

When it effects them or involves them or is something they need to know about in order to make an informed decision.

 

There are some here that are so sensitive and almost extremist in their views that the thought of someone else flashing through someone's head constitutes adultry. They will advocate disclosure because they will think what you did rises to the bar of adultry.

 

I do not however. I don't think it's even close. I role my eyes any time some uses the term "affair" in this thread. I agree with the moderators who moved this from the Infidelity board to the 'Getting Married' board.

 

Assuming you have told us the whole truth, this was not an affair IMHO.

 

-You and your husband had mutually agreed the marriage was a mistake and had mutual plan to divorce.

 

- Your interaction with the OM was online pen pals.

 

-by your own admission the divorce would have occurred even without the OM in the picture.

 

-Your divorce was amicable and cooperative by mutual consent.

 

- Your ex husband has no issues with it.

 

Tell me how this in any way involves your fiance or how he knowledge of your online activities during the final days of your marriage affects him or is something he needs to know the details in any way. How will his knowledge of your pen pal benifit HIM in any way and how will NOT knowing about it harm him in any way???

[oldshirt]

How this will affect him is the guilt you are yoking yourself with is what is going to affect and impact him. Your guilt and baggage over it is what may taint and sour your relationship, not the actual acts you performed before the courthouse had all the papers signed.

 

Again this is YOUR burden, not his. It is your responsibility to address and treat your your guilt through appropriate therapy before it does negatively effect your present R.

 

Assuming you are telling us the whole truth, I believe your sense of guilt is exaggerated and way out of proportion to what has taken place. I believe your level of guilt is inappropriate and unfounded and my concern is that it has crossed over into the dysfunctional and that is why I reccommend professional treatment before it causes real problems in your current R.

[oldshirt]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to me here. After reading your replies, I am now leaning toward needing to address this with my fiance in some way to let him choose for himself whether he can live with this or not.

 

What do you think of this approach: I tell him that while I deeply appreciate the fact that he has never pressed me for details of my marriage or divorce, I understand that he has a right to know if he is now considering marrying me. I can then ask if there is anything about the divorce that he feels he needs to know, or that may influence his feelings about marrying me now. That way, if he truly would prefer not to hear about past my mistakes, he can let me know. Otherwise, if he does feel that he wants to hear details, I will be honest.

 

What do you think? Am I trying to take the easy way out here? I mean everything I said about wanting to get things right this time, no matter the consequences. It is just so hard to tell whether this is something that is worth ruining a good relationship over.

 

 

I think this is a very valid question to bring up with your therapist.

 

If after addressing your situation and guilt with an appropriate professional, if that professional believes that this is something to discuss in this manner with your fiance', then so be it.

 

I believe the questions you are asking here are best answered by a professional and not strangers on the internet.

 

It's a valid question for your therapist and my recommendation would be to follow the recommendations of a professional that has peeled back all the layers and has the full story.

[jaspertree]

How this will affect him is the guilt you are yoking yourself with is what is going to affect and impact him. Your guilt and baggage over it is what may taint and sour your relationship, not the actual acts you performed before the courthouse had all the papers signed.

 

Again this is YOUR burden, not his. It is your responsibility to address and treat your your guilt through appropriate therapy before it does negatively effect your present R.

 

Assuming you are telling us the whole truth, I believe your sense of guilt is exaggerated and way out of proportion to what has taken place. I believe your level of guilt is inappropriate and unfounded and my concern is that it has crossed over into thye dysfunctional and that is why I reccommend professional treatment before it causes real problems in your current R.

 

I agree with you and others here that speaking to a professional is probably a good idea. I've gotten to the point where it's very difficult for me to see straight in this situation due to the overwhelming guilt. As for the guilt being excessive - your summary of the situation is correct, except that OM was a real life friend, not online. I did not admit any feelings or attraction for him until after my H and I made plans to divorce. However, my feelings for my friend definitely made me "rush" the divorce plans. That is why I feel so bad - call it cheating or not, but it was definitely wrong and hurtful. But is the fact that that was in my mind enough to make this a huge confession to my fiance now? I don't know. Thanks again for all of your thoughts, much appreciated.

[nightmare01]

As an older guy I think being M is a big deal, and not to be taken lightly.

 

To keep a healthy M it's important to build walls around your relationship and protect against who sees into your M and has influence.

 

Whether you disclose this relationship you had with a friend of your XH - after your M - is up to you. You know your new husband best, so if you think it would be important to him then I suggest you bring it up. If you're uncertain it's probably best to tell him that story and let him decide.

 

Telling your next husband this will build trust and will show respect for him and the M you are about to embark upon.

 

I strong suggest that you both read the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass before your are M. It's about affair recovery, but there's a lot of good advice in there about protecting your M from outside influence.

Edited September 30, 2014 by nightmare01