Newly Engaged - Disclose Past Affair When Married?

[DKT3]

I agree with you and others here that speaking to a professional is probably a good idea. I've gotten to the point where it's very difficult for me to see straight in this situation due to the overwhelming guilt. As for the guilt being excessive - your summary of the situation is correct, except that OM was a real life friend, not online. I did not admit any feelings or attraction for him until after my H and I made plans to divorce. However, my feelings for my friend definitely made me "rush" the divorce plans. That is why I feel so bad - call it cheating or not, but it was definitely wrong and hurtful. But is the fact that that was in my mind enough to make this a huge confession to my fiance now? I don't know. Thanks again for all of your thoughts, much appreciated.

 

I think what's going on is you are now dealing with the emotions of the end of the marriage. Leaving a marriage and running right into anothers arm didn't deal with the end of the marriage, it only suspended it. The giddy good feeling of a new relationship masked the pain of the ending. As you enter into the stage of remarrying it caused you to look back and the emotions then resurfaced. This is the reason for the sudden urge to confess to you ex.

 

If this is the case its best to delay getting married for awhile.

 

Another thing that I can't shake, I get the feeling that the other man was also in a relationship. Was he single?

[oldshirt]

 

I did not admit any feelings or attraction for him until after my H and I made plans to divorce. However, my feelings for my friend definitely made me "rush" the divorce plans. That is why I feel so bad - call it cheating or not, but it was definitely wrong and hurtful.

 

#####Once the decision to divorce is made, it SHOULD be as quick, efficient and painless as possible. From what you have said there is no indication that -

 

-Your decision to divorce was influenced by OM.

 

- Your xH was anything but consenting and agreeable to the divorce.

 

-You have any regrets or second-guessing of the decision to divorce.

 

- Your husband has any regrets or any issues with your contact with other man.

 

It is for that reason that I think you need to seek forgiveness and absolution from someone who's judgement you trust so that you can forgive yourself and free yourself from this yoke of guilt that you carry so that you can move forward with your life.######

 

 

 

 

But is the fact that that was in my mind enough to make this a huge confession to my fiance now?

 

 

i do not believe so. I don't think it's any of his business nor do I think it's anything that effects or involves him at all and don't believe he should be burdened with it.

 

Others here have disagreed. I think a reasonable compromise is to discuss it first with a profession. Once that professional has the whole story, if he/she thinks it should be divulged, then follow the professions counsel and have the confession be monitored and mediated in the professionals presence.

 

I don't know. Thanks again for all of your thoughts, much appreciated.

 

 

See above.

[heartshaped]

What stands out most to me is this all didn't happen that long ago. Three years ago yes, but three years in the span of a lifetime is a drop in the bucket. You are still relatively young and young certainly to be remarrying.

 

I would seek counseling as well not only to deal with these feelings of guilt, but to address the possibility of this type of thing happening in the future. I don't believe in the once a cheater always a cheater saying always being true, but I think people who expose themselves to EAs are likely to fall into them again and again and again. It's easier and different than a PA because you can always say "it really isn't cheating".

 

You feel guilty now and that's keeping you in check, but you didn't feel guilty at the time and I highly doubt this newfound guilt will last a lifetime. You'll move on from it, life will go on, perhaps a hard time will come in your marriage....and then what will you do? I think that's what you should address in counseling.

[BetrayedH]

I rarely disagree with oldshirt but in this case, I do.

 

I think that keeping skeletons in the closet is a dangerous move. I also think that it keeps a distance between you that ought not be there when it comes to your partner in life. You've got to trust that person not to be hiding things from you. If you keep this thing hidden from him, I think it's something that will weigh on you and the relationship. I believe in breaking down walls, not keeping them up. This man is there to be your partner and help share in your burdens. If he truly loves you, I doubt he really wants you carrying this guilt alone for the rest of your days. By sharing it with him, you demonstrate that you're not going to be the kind of partner that hides the difficult stuff, that you trust him with your vulnerability. And then he can feel free to do the same.

 

I think that's a much better foundation for a marriage.

 

Beyond that, I agree that it gives him the respect of making an informed decision about marrying you. He won't have been tricked or conned into thinking that you're some perfect flower that belongs on a pedestal. Imagine if he discovers this after years of marriage. He may feel that all those years were just a sham. All for what? To avoid one difficult discussion?

 

Where I do agree with oldshirt is that you're punishing yourself too much for it all. In my view, once you're separated, all bets are off unless you had expressly agreed to staying exclusive. IMHO, The point of a separation is to look at the relationship and your options away from the constraints of your marital commitment. It's put on hold. I think you did exactly that and yep, looking at your options expedited the divorce. Again, if you had an agreement that the purpose of the separation was different and you violated that agreement, then sure, you can feel some guilt over that. And I give you huge props for having disclosed it to your ex. If he's forgiven you, then you should also forgive yourself. If you still have issues, I agree that a therapist is probably a good idea. People are not perfect but when we've owned our mistakes, done what we can to make them right and those we have wronged have moved on, we gotta let go.

 

I just don't think I would keep any of it from your fiance. Start that relationship on the right foot.

[HereNorThere]

I personally don't think that you have to make confessions about everything that happened in your past if it doesn't concern your new partner. You don't have to lie or lie by omission, just simply say "I did some things in past relationship that I was not proud of. I have learned from them and will not make the same mistakes in this relationship. If you feel like I am withholding something from you, I will answer any questions you have or elaborate further. Otherwise, let's leave the past in the past."

 

I think you'll find that most men do not want to discuss anything that happened with you and another man. If it was something severe, maybe, but this isn't.

[oldshirt]

I rarely disagree with oldshirt but in this case, I do.

 

I think that keeping skeletons in the closet is a dangerous move.

 

 

much of what you say makes good sense. I think where we differ is I do not see this as a skeleton. At most it's an old, left over Halloween costume in the closet LOL

 

Beyond that, I agree that it gives him the respect of making an informed decision about marrying you. He won't have been tricked or conned into thinking that you're some perfect flower that belongs on a pedestal.

 

i'm assuming he is an adult man who wasn't raised up in a monastery and this is his first rodeo. I don't think any adult man assumes any divorced woman is a perfect flower playing harps up in the clouds.

 

Imagine if he discovers this after years of marriage. He may feel that all those years were just a sham.

 

 

same as above. If he is that much of a light-weight, no real life woman will be pure enough.

 

In my view, once you're separated, all bets are off unless you had expressly agreed to staying exclusive.

 

I completely agree and I think that is a good way to put it. I think the key feature in this case is that the decision to divorce was mutually agreed on prior to the fling. I know that many of the purists will shake their finger at anything until the ink is dry on the final divorce decree but that is just not how the world works. People move on and most do not wait until the court house has everything all signed and filed.

 

If you don't want your partner moving on, then don't divorce them. Once notice has been given, it is 'all bets off' whether others like it or not.

 

 

 

 

I just don't think I would keep any of it from your fiance. Start that relationship on the right foot.

 

I have some responses above but I will concede this - it's probably no where near as big of a deal as the 'tell' vs 'don't tell' debate is making it.

 

There is probably a 95% chance if she tells him all about it! his response will be, " that's what your big, dark secret is??? Could you pass the butter please."

 

The reality is he probably won't think a thing of it. As far as divorce stories go, this is very very tame.

 

My concern is this - it's not what she did that would be concerning to him, it will be her reaction and demeanor about it.

 

If they were hanging out telling life stories over pizza and beer, her story wouldn't raise an eyebrow for 98.975% of the adult male populace.

 

But if she approaches him with tears in her eyes and her voice cracking and shoulders hunched over and her head hanging low with guilt, he WILL wonder what is up and will wonder what the rest of the story is.

 

This is why I recommend this be dealt with on her end with a professional first so she doesn't appear like she got caught with the neighbors dog.

[Banjo Han]

This is your baggage and your feelings of guilt. It's not for anyone else to carry. It's your job to address it appropriately and get it taken care of before going into your next marriage.

 

I agree, get it sorted out before taking the next step in this relationship.

[intricate]

If you tell him, he will always wonder if he can trust you with any males in your life, even the platonic ones that you chat with at work. If you don't tell him, you might be able to weasle your way out of this mess, but the guilt will kill you and it will trickle into the relationship in a way that makes you distant, depressed, or even totally shut down from your new husband. Do you think he deserves that?

 

A person's past is private, but the only way it doesn't is if you strongly believe that it will cause problems in the future. You can hide a crazy night that you experienced in college that has something to do with beer cans and skinny dipping, sure, but you can't hide the fact that you have a child with some other man out there and the child is now looking for you. Big difference, you know?

 

So, I say tell him, but do stress that you have learned from your mistakes and that you are willing to make any changes in the relationship so that he can feel comfortable with you. It can be something as simple as leaving Facebook open so that you can show him that you have nothing to hide from him. You can also show him by making other female friends than male friends, since you know that sometimes opposite sex friendships can be a sticky business from time to time. If you are very remorseful and guilty, he will see that and he will forgive you. None of us have a perfect past, I can assure you.

 

Wish you luck!

[Diezel]

If he hasn't asked, it is because he probably doesn't want to know... and for good reason.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, I do wonder whether I need to tell him so he has a completely honest choice about whether to marry me. Honestly, I would not blame him for hesitating, as painful as that is to say. And I do fear whether I will be able to live my entire life with this secret. Thank you for your thoughts.

 

You were young, didn't you say 24? You've matured and are older now. You were on the verge of divorce, separated anyway with intention of divorcing, right? Sure the timing of getting involved with someone else during separation leading to divorce is questionable so really it's more like betraying in the sense of still being legally married. It's not like you and your H were still having sex, sleeping in the same bed, living life together as a couple while it happened. Unless I'm mistaken?

 

Put the shoe on the other foot, would you want to know anything and everything in detail about his past?

 

I do think telling him as it happened, like how you said it on here, would be the honest approach and will lighten the weight off your shoulders. If he ends it, then he isn't the right man for you.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with you and others here that speaking to a professional is probably a good idea. I've gotten to the point where it's very difficult for me to see straight in this situation due to the overwhelming guilt. As for the guilt being excessive - your summary of the situation is correct, except that OM was a real life friend, not online. I did not admit any feelings or attraction for him until after my H and I made plans to divorce. However, my feelings for my friend definitely made me "rush" the divorce plans. That is why I feel so bad - call it cheating or not, but it was definitely wrong and hurtful. But is the fact that that was in my mind enough to make this a huge confession to my fiance now? I don't know. Thanks again for all of your thoughts, much appreciated.

 

Just speak from your heart. Your intentions weren't to cheat and have an affair. The exOM wasn't married was he? Is he out of your life now? I believe your future hub would have an issue if exOM was still a 'friend'.

 

Bolded. Own it then. You went against your own personal moral compass, crossed a line that you can't live with, so tell your fiancee.

[bathtub-row]

I'm sorry, I don't understand why you're making such a mountain out of this. You were young, you were disconnected in your marriage, and you talked with someone you felt connected to. So what? I mean, you're a different person today and, even as minor as that was, you wouldn't do it again because you know that it can cause problems.

 

As Oprah says, when you know better, you do better. Please stop beating yourself up over this. It's no longer who you are. And if that's the worst you have dished out, I'd say you're doing fine.