He told his wife, now what?

[MaryElizabeth]

I had a one night stand with a very old friend. We have had feelings for one another for many years but never acted on them. I have been married for 14 years and together with my husband a total of 21 years. With 2 young children, He has been married for just a few years. No kids. It was wonderful and the feelings came rushing back. We both agreed that we would tell nobody and it wouldn't happen again. I noticed that he blocked me recently from fb, about 2 months after our night together. I texted him about it and he told me he told his wife. It had to be done. That is all the information he told me. Apparently the agreed to keep it between them because they don't want to hurt my family. I'm pretty distraught that he did this. We have mutual friends and my worry is that she may get mad or want yo share and my husband will find out. I don't want to split up and I know I made the wrong choice to cheat. What should I do? Should I ask him more details of why he had to tell her? I've been obsessing about this for a week!

[anne1707]

I suspect it is very likely that he felt he had to tell her because he hated the dishonesty of it. As for knowing exactly why he had to tell her, well what difference would that make to the situation? For a start, he is obviously trying to go NC with you (blocking you on FB etc) so you trying to contact him could make things even worse. Instead of focussing on his motives, thoughts and feelings, you should focus on you.

 

What made you sleep with this man? Are there any issues in your marriage? Do you feel any remorse for being unfaithful? Do you think it might be better for you to tell your husband the truth rather than risk him finding out from someone else? These and many other questions need to be answered for you yo be able to deal with this and move on, especially if you wish to stay with your husband.

[OWAmy]

I would have to get the facts from him seen as though you have mutual friends.

 

It may be that he hasn't told his wife, but is regretful of having had the one night stand and sees that as been a way to ensure there is no repeat performance.

 

He has dropped a bombshell on you and do you want to spend weeks, months, years worrying that something is going to come out at some point in the future? I would ask him for the details with an understanding that there would be no further communication between the two of you after you have received them.

 

Sometimes of course it is better to come clean.

[CarrieT]

I would have to get the facts from him seen as though you have mutual friends.

Disagree completely. The OP has gone No Contact so the best thing she could do is come clean with her husband to mitigate any information that may come from mutual friends.

[Clay]

You can bet there will come a day his wife will want revenge. Its only a matter of time before someone tells your H. Might want to consider telling him yourself . That way at least you control how it is told.

 

If he finds out from someone else I am sure it will be much worse.

 

Someone always has to pay for cheating.

[Sub]

If your main concern is that she'll want to tell your H at some point, you may want to tell him to get ahead of it. I don't think there's any other way to ease your mind about the possibility that she'll expose it. Did he go into any further detail about their not wanting to hurt your family? That's a pretty loaded statement.

[OWAmy]

Disagree completely. The OP has gone No Contact so the best thing she could do is come clean with her husband to mitigate any information that may come from mutual friends.

 

I think in order to go No Contact you have to at the very least let the other person know you have gone no contact. He hasn't explained sufficiently and she should at least know exactly what has been said.

 

It is for the OP to decide what to do in her own relationship.

[DKT3]

I don't think you need anything from the OM. I think you may want to think about how to tell your husband. I'm guessing with common friends its only a matter of time before your husband finds out via friend.

 

Also the more you contact OM the more likely his wife blows you up to your husband.

 

Smart move since your not likely to confess, stop trying to communicate with OM.

[jellybean89]

I think in order to go No Contact you have to at the very least let the other person know you have gone no contact. He hasn't explained sufficiently and she should at least know exactly what has been said.

 

It is for the OP to decide what to do in her own relationship.

 

I disagree.

 

He has told her by his actions (blocking her on FB) that he doesn't want contact. He doesn't owe her anything. She owes her husband truth and honesty and loyalty and respect.

 

He informed the OP that he told his wife. There is nothing else for him to tell her...she's "lucky" he even told her that.

 

Come clean with your spouse. That is what you should be worrying about. You weren't concerned about "mutual friends" or your H during the act if cheating, yet now you are since you might be caught. Own your actions and reap the consequences of those actions.

[goodyblue]

Of course only OP can decide what to do with the information. I would wait. See how i felt in a couple of days. I would not do anything rash that could ruin a marriage. When there is infidelity a betrayed husband is far more likely to end the marriage. The posters telling you to run tell your husband have been cheated on. They are telling you things from that standpoint. When in doubt, do nothing. Hang in there.

[gettingstronger]

Nope, he owes the OP nothing- they both willing had a one night stand, his alliance is to his wife. There is no honor among thieves as they say. She took a risk, she is an adult. He took care of his family, now she can decide what to do about hers. What exactly he said to his wife is none of her business.

[DKT3]

Of course only OP can decide what to do with the information. I would wait. See how i felt in a couple of days. I would not do anything rash that could ruin a marriage. When there is infidelity a betrayed husband is far more likely to end the marriage. The posters telling you to run tell your husband have been cheated on. They are telling you things from that standpoint. When in doubt, do nothing. Hang in there.

 

Umm having sex with another man is what could ruin her marriage. How about some accountability! Wow.

 

Yes I was cheated on, it would have been so much easier to take come from her. Also our firends knew about it, you have no idea what it feels like to have a woman you love and would lay down your life for just totally make an ass of you. Here I am talking about how I'm lucky to have an amazing wife and half of them knew she was cheating on me.

 

Yeah so your right, she should do nothing. Just allow everyone to laugh at the clown she is married to and then learn from the guys wife that they slept together. Sound like a great plan, from a loving caring wife.

[MaryElizabeth]

Of course I felt guilt and still do. I love my husband and family. I'm only human and made a mistake, this wasn't a planned night. I am not wanting to keep contacting him, I just feel as though he should have warned me that he told her. I had to ask. I don't want to know the specifics of their private conversation, just more of how it came about. Did she suspect? Did he just confess? Yes,I am worried about saving my own ass and my family. I can't tell my h, he's not that kind of man. We have had a very difficult few years and just recently starting on a better track. He's always been very jealous. I think the OM meant that because I Have children, they don't want to tear my life apart over this one night. I am afraid of her not keeping that up though..

[MaryElizabeth]

I am not trying yo make my husband look like a fool. I feel awful but it would wreck him. Why tell and hurt the person when they don't need to know? I feel like that is making it even worse.to make myself feel better, not him. That's why I don't understand why he told her. I'm not going to do it again. All our friends don't know. It was private between the 2 of us.

[gettingstronger]

The circumstances of how or why he told doesn't change the fact she knows. That's really all you need to know. Logically speaking why would you risk your husband finding out from someone other than you? Once an affair is exposed my guess is everyone finds out eventually.

[Sub]

Of course only OP can decide what to do with the information. I would wait. See how i felt in a couple of days. I would not do anything rash that could ruin a marriage. When there is infidelity a betrayed husband is far more likely to end the marriage. The posters telling you to run tell your husband have been cheated on. They are telling you things from that standpoint. When in doubt, do nothing. Hang in there.

 

I'm a betrayed husband who's happily reconciled, so I'm coming from that perspective. If her main concern is truly that the wife will tell, doing nothing won't ease that fear, IMO.

[whichwayisup]

I had a one night stand with a very old friend. We have had feelings for one another for many years but never acted on them. I have been married for 14 years and together with my husband a total of 21 years. With 2 young children, He has been married for just a few years. No kids. It was wonderful and the feelings came rushing back. We both agreed that we would tell nobody and it wouldn't happen again. I noticed that he blocked me recently from fb, about 2 months after our night together. I texted him about it and he told me he told his wife. It had to be done. That is all the information he told me. Apparently the agreed to keep it between them because they don't want to hurt my family. I'm pretty distraught that he did this. We have mutual friends and my worry is that she may get mad or want yo share and my husband will find out. I don't want to split up and I know I made the wrong choice to cheat. What should I do? Should I ask him more details of why he had to tell her? I've been obsessing about this for a week!

 

You should consider telling your husband what happened. Just because (right now) they've chosen not to tell your husband, doesn't mean they won't change their minds at some point.

 

Leave it alone. If you go texting and asking them questions, it's just asking for trouble and reaction on their end.

 

Why did you choose to have a ONS and cheat on your husband?

[whichwayisup]

Of course I felt guilt and still do. I love my husband and family. I'm only human and made a mistake, this wasn't a planned night. I am not wanting to keep contacting him, I just feel as though he should have warned me that he told her. I had to ask. I don't want to know the specifics of their private conversation, just more of how it came about. Did she suspect? Did he just confess? Yes,I am worried about saving my own ass and my family. I can't tell my h, he's not that kind of man. We have had a very difficult few years and just recently starting on a better track. He's always been very jealous. I think the OM meant that because I Have children, they don't want to tear my life apart over this one night. I am afraid of her not keeping that up though..

 

They won't be tearing up your family. I say this respectfully, but you took a change at tearing up your family by your own actions. Yes you feel bad and don't want to lose what you have at home, but since there's no guarantee that she won't tell, it's better that your H hear the truth from you rather than her or her husband. At least this way you can show your H remorse and prove to him you're worthy of a second chance to make things right and to own your part in choosing to do this. Please don't blame him or the state of your marriage, that's justifying it and won't go over too well. Something in you is broken, and needs to be fixed.

[MaryElizabeth]

I had a ONS mainly because I was very drunk. Not and excuse but under different circumstances it wouldn't have happened. We were talking about our untold past love for one another and one thing led to another. Sometimes being in a 20 year relationship, things get complicated and there isn't much passion left. He's hurt me, I've hurt him. It was nice to be with somebody that I didn't have any complicated history with.

Also, I do know I am the one that would tear up the family due to My poor choice. Not the other couple. Someone earlier asked what the OM meant when he said they didn't want to hurt my family.

[DKT3]

Of course I felt guilt and still do. I love my husband and family. I'm only human and made a mistake, this wasn't a planned night. I am not wanting to keep contacting him, I just feel as though he should have warned me that he told her. I had to ask. I don't want to know the specifics of their private conversation, just more of how it came about. Did she suspect? Did he just confess? Yes,I am worried about saving my own ass and my family. I can't tell my h, he's not that kind of man. We have had a very difficult few years and just recently starting on a better track. He's always been very jealous. I think the OM meant that because I Have children, they don't want to tear my life apart over this one night. I am afraid of her not keeping that up though..

 

You felt guilty, yet you continued to contact OM and became upset when he blocked you. So yes your intent was to maintain contact.

 

Does it matter how she found out? How would that change YOUR situation?

 

You knew your marriage was rocky and your husband was jealous before you slept with OM, so how did having sex with another man help?

 

Saving your ass is best when you control your path. Say you work your ass of rebuilding your marriage and this time next year your in a really good place then BOOM his wife drops the bomb on your husband. Now not only did you cheat but you've kept it from him all that time. This all makes it so much harder for him to trust you.

 

Goodyblue is right, the odds are when (not if) your husband finds out he will most likely leave you, most men do. However if you have any chance it has to start with trust. I can tell you having been down this road being honest with him helps. Had my wife been honest from the start and confess it would have made it so much easier to trust her, I'm not sure I would have divorced her. After she was served she confessed, by then it was too late.

 

Don't be too late.

[peaksandvalleys]

Of course I felt guilt and still do. I love my husband and family. I'm only human and made a mistake, this wasn't a planned night. I am not wanting to keep contacting him, I just feel as though he should have warned me that he told her. I had to ask. I don't want to know the specifics of their private conversation, just more of how it came about. Did she suspect? Did he just confess? Yes,I am worried about saving my own ass and my family. I can't tell my h, he's not that kind of man. We have had a very difficult few years and just recently starting on a better track. He's always been very jealous. I think the OM meant that because I Have children, they don't want to tear my life apart over this one night. I am afraid of her not keeping that up though..

 

Did either of you warn her before your one night stand? I understand that you are concerned for lack of a better word but I do not understand you belief you are owed something else. Knowing how the things came about do not change the fact you have a time bomb on your hands. As one of the other posters mentioned some of the responses you have received are from BS. I am also one of those. I chose to tell the OW husband. I chose to let him know what his wife and my husband, who are our ex spouses now, were up to. We had a right to make choices about our lives without being lied to.

[peaksandvalleys]

I am not trying yo make my husband look like a fool. I feel awful but it would wreck him. Why tell and hurt the person when they don't need to know? I feel like that is making it even worse.to make myself feel better, not him. That's why I don't understand why he told her. I'm not going to do it again. All our friends don't know. It was private between the 2 of us.

 

Don't need to know? My ex and his mistress thought no one knew either. I dipped into my savings to make sure I knew all the facts, then I shared them with those who others felt did not need to know. That changed things for all involved.

[cif]

MaryElizabeth, is there anyway OM's wife can prove you had a ONS? Did you mention it in any communication?

 

If there's no way she can prove it i would deny to anyone who approached me. Tell OM to delete everything then never contact him again. Dont trust her. She will start blabbing to people about you, esp. If you have common friends. That's a given.

[goodyblue]

You felt guilty, yet you continued to contact OM and became upset when he blocked you. So yes your intent was to maintain contact.

 

Does it matter how she found out? How would that change YOUR situation?

 

You knew your marriage was rocky and your husband was jealous before you slept with OM, so how did having sex with another man help?

 

Saving your ass is best when you control your path. Say you work your ass of rebuilding your marriage and this time next year your in a really good place then BOOM his wife drops the bomb on your husband. Now not only did you cheat but you've kept it from him all that time. This all makes it so much harder for him to trust you.

 

Goodyblue is right, the odds are when (not if) your husband finds out he will most likely leave you, most men do. However if you have any chance it has to start with trust. I can tell you having been down this road being honest with him helps. Had my wife been honest from the start and confess it would have made it so much easier to trust her, I'm not sure I would have divorced her. After she was served she confessed, by then it was too late.

 

Don't be too late.

 

Dk, I was not telling her to never tell her husband. I was just telling her to wait. To not act rashly. She needs to think this through before she does anything. And we all know he most likely will end the marriage. If in a few days she feels it's the best thing to tell, that is up to her. But I worry that she'll read these posts and run tell and then regret it. She needs to have a clear head.

 

My guy's ex found out, it's been YEARS. More than two, less than five. And just THIS EVENING while we were out to supper, got an email from her that, if typed on paper, would have been two pages single spaced. Even now, with us together as a family, she cannot move on, will not seek therapy, will not let go and is miserable. I'm not so sure her finding out was the best thing.

 

So, again, don't do anything rash. Wait until you can think clearly and make a decision based on thought and logic, not emotion, not fear.

[whichwayisup]

I had a ONS mainly because I was very drunk. Not and excuse but under different circumstances it wouldn't have happened. We were talking about our untold past love for one another and one thing led to another. Sometimes being in a 20 year relationship, things get complicated and there isn't much passion left. He's hurt me, I've hurt him. It was nice to be with somebody that I didn't have any complicated history with.

Also, I do know I am the one that would tear up the family due to My poor choice. Not the other couple. Someone earlier asked what the OM meant when he said they didn't want to hurt my family.

 

Does your H know that you were out drinking? Who did he think you were with that evening? What were the circumstances that got you and MM drunk together and alone for something to happen?

 

MaryElizabeth, is there anyway OM's wife can prove you had a ONS? Did you mention it in any communication?

 

Her own husband told her, so that is the proof. No way is it fair to make it seem like MM/friend made up a lie that they slept together.

If there's no way she can prove it i would deny to anyone who approached me. Tell OM to delete everything then never contact him again. Dont trust her. She will start blabbing to people about you, esp. If you have common friends. That's a given.

 

Since he has already confessed to his wife, it's pointless for MaryE to deny it.