He told his wife, now what?

[lovinDKT3]

Of course I felt guilt and still do. I love my husband and family. I'm only human and made a mistake, this wasn't a planned night. I am not wanting to keep contacting him, I just feel as though he should have warned me that he told her. I had to ask. I don't want to know the specifics of their private conversation, just more of how it came about. Did she suspect? Did he just confess? Yes,I am worried about saving my own ass and my family. I can't tell my h, he's not that kind of man. We have had a very difficult few years and just recently starting on a better track. He's always been very jealous. I think the OM meant that because I Have children, they don't want to tear my life apart over this one night. I am afraid of her not keeping that up though..

 

Mary, I was in your position and I did everything wrong. I didn't confess, and it took a toll on our marriage. The fear that I would say or do something that would give it away created a distance between us. This distance went unnoticed by me because I was all wrapped up in fear.

 

I'm never comfortable tell people to confess or not to. Its scary, and I think you already know how your husband will react. During my affair I always felt I was in total control of both relationships. It wasn't until one of DKT's friends saw me with the OM that it really hit me that he would likely find out. The friend never told my husband but he did spread it to a few in our circle. Lucky it never got wide spread. I'm guessing because H was so well respected in our group. So it never got back to him until we split and he filed for divorce.

 

You have to do what's best for you, but remember you made this decision (its no mistake), what you do next is more important then what you've done in the past.

[cif]

Her own husband told her, so that is the proof. No way is it fair to make it seem like MM/friend made up a lie that they slept together.

 

Since he has already confessed to his wife, it's pointless for MaryE to deny it.

 

Oh i meant to deny to other people if there's nothing in writing. Hopefully OP was smart enough not to mention or admit to it.

[goodyblue]

Oh i meant to deny to other people if there's nothing in writing. Hopefully OP was smart enough not to mention or admit to it.

 

If the wife ever did tell her husband, I'm not sure denial would be in her best interest either. The fact is, if she wants to save her marriage, she is going to have to figure out the proper way to do it, as only she knows how her husband will react.

 

If the wife went to her husband and told him, he'd know the truth and believe it. What reason would she have for making something like that up? Then, if he confronted the guy, he would have to admit it, as he's already told his wife.

 

Only OP can figure this one out.

 

I hope you get a good nights rest, OP. It's a tough situation. Hang in there.

[lovinDKT3]

If the wife ever did tell her husband, I'm not sure denial would be in her best interest either. The fact is, if she wants to save her marriage, she is going to have to figure out the proper way to do it, as only she knows how her husband will react.

 

If the wife went to her husband and told him, he'd know the truth and believe it. What reason would she have for making something like that up? Then, if he confronted the guy, he would have to admit it, as he's already told his wife.

 

Only OP can figure this one out.

 

I hope you get a good nights rest, OP. It's a tough situation. Hang in there.

 

Yes, sleep. I didn't have a good nights sleep for about two years. First for fear that he would find out. Then there was a period where we both knew I had been unfaithful but I still couldn't bring myself to confess. Then he got really distant and cold so I feared he would leave at any time.

 

Mary, no matter what be sure to take care of yourself. No matter what happens in your marriage your kids still need you, a healthy you.

[truncated]

MaryElizabeth, is there anyway OM's wife can prove you had a ONS? Did you mention it in any communication?

 

If there's no way she can prove it i would deny to anyone who approached me. Tell OM to delete everything then never contact him again. Dont trust her. She will start blabbing to people about you, esp. If you have common friends. That's a given.

 

So you advocate further dishonesty?

 

BTW, why do you feel that this wife owes the op any sort of loyalty or secrecy? If she wants to tell, and maybe she should, then that's the calculated risk the op takes by having a one night stand then lying about it by omission.

 

As things stand now. the op owes this woman a debt of gratitude that she's willing to be discrete. Many would not.

[Quiet Storm]

Some people want an authentic marriage and can't keep a secret like this from their spouse. Do you seek a genuine connection with your husband? He does have a right to know what his spouse is capable of. This is a consequence of having an affair. You can't control all the variables. Unfortunately, you can't depend on your affair partner to keep the secret. I think you should tell your husband before someone else does.

[cif]

So you advocate further dishonesty?

 

BTW, why do you feel that this wife owes the op any sort of loyalty or secrecy? If she wants to tell, and maybe she should, then that's the calculated risk the op takes by having a one night stand then lying about it by omission.

 

As things stand now. the op owes this woman a debt of gratitude that she's willing to be discrete. Many would not.

 

I don't..that's my point. She needs to cover her tracks.

[JustJoe]

I am not trying yo make my husband look like a fool. I feel awful but it would wreck him. Why tell and hurt the person when they don't need to know? I feel like that is making it even worse.to make myself feel better, not him. That's why I don't understand why he told her. I'm not going to do it again. All our friends don't know. It was private between the 2 of us.

Mary ?elizabeth, you are wrong. It WAS private between you two. Now it is between you three. So when will it be private between 4 or more? Your husband is going to find out, it is only a matter of time, before the wife tells somebody (in confidence) who tells somebody else (in confidence) Etc. You need to get into damage control mode right now and tell your H about this. Many posters can help you with the "how to" part, but it needs to be done, or it will blow up in your face and harm your family.

[AmyBamy]

I think someone said above that maybe he didn't tell her and he, I could see that. Have you been in contact with him all this time? It sounds like you haven't other than just general social media. I agree, I would want to know why he told her too. Not because it really matters in the end, but simply what led to that conversation. I would also want to know how she is handling it. As someone who has been the BW and now dealing with a BW, there is no guarantee that she won't stir up ****. I've noticed a lot of BSs act out very dramatically in an effort to exact revenge on the AP (they stay with their spouse who cheated though, and forgive them and reconcile, but boy do they hate that AP!).

 

I agree with GoodyBlue - hang tight and get your footing before you decide anything. It doesn't sound like your husband has contact with him or his wife so the chances are low maybe that she will try to stir up **** with your relationship because of her own frustration with her own relationship.

 

But, as a former BW, I will say that it will be better coming from you than anyone else. If it comes to him from anyone else in the world he is going to feel like a fool it's just unavoidable. I didn't try to reconcile with my ex husband at all simply because he lied to me when I confronted him about his affair. Had he been able to look me in the face and tell me the truth it might have been a different story. Being the BS is one thing but being the BS that is the last to know adds insult to injury and for some people that can never be forgiven (read the reconciliation stories, those couples are never happy afterwards).

 

Good luck.

[cozycottagelg]

I haven't been in this situation, but I would be doubtful that he actually told her. If he did, I think you would have heard from her.

 

He probably feels guilty and wants to forget it ever happened, and this is to ensure you don't reach out.

 

I'd be worried sick my husband was going to find out, are you okay?

[the_artist_1970]

I am not trying yo make my husband look like a fool. I feel awful but it would wreck him. Why tell and hurt the person when they don't need to know? I feel like that is making it even worse.to make myself feel better, not him. That's why I don't understand why he told her. I'm not going to do it again. All our friends don't know. It was private between the 2 of us.

 

Are you serious???? This is a self-serving comment. Of course your DH should know who else his W is sleeping with. you are really wrecked him when you slept with another man. It wasn't a "mistake", it was a calculated plan. Sleeping with someone else isn't a mistake. And the other man's loyalty should be to his W and not you. He should have told his W and he didn't owe you any explanation or warning. You are not his W. You should be that loyal to your own DH.

[the_artist_1970]

I think someone said above that maybe he didn't tell her and he, I could see that. Have you been in contact with him all this time? It sounds like you haven't other than just general social media. I agree, I would want to know why he told her too. Not because it really matters in the end, but simply what led to that conversation. I would also want to know how she is handling it. As someone who has been the BW and now dealing with a BW, there is no guarantee that she won't stir up ****. I've noticed a lot of BSs act out very dramatically in an effort to exact revenge on the AP (they stay with their spouse who cheated though, and forgive them and reconcile, but boy do they hate that AP!).

 

Yes, the BW does hate the AP but the WS doesn't get away with cheating either. Usually the WS goes through H3LL with the BS for quite a while. Both the WS and the AP are responsible for hurting the marriage and BS (if the AP knew they were married); and the AP usually walks away scott free after taking part in the destruction of a marriage. Any sane person would hate someone who helped to inflict such pain on them. Eventually the XAP becomes a non-entity in the marriage once the marriage is rebuilt, but it takes time to heal.

[goodyblue]

Yes, the BW does hate the AP but the WS doesn't get away with cheating either. Usually the WS goes through H3LL with the BS for quite a while. Both the WS and the AP are responsible for hurting the marriage and BS (if the AP knew they were married); and the AP usually walks away scott free after taking part in the destruction of a marriage. Any sane person would hate someone who helped to inflict such pain on them. Eventually the XAP becomes a non-entity in the marriage once the marriage is rebuilt, but it takes time to heal.

 

Here is a q for u... what if the marriage ended? How long would the BS hang onto the hatred?

[cif]

Here is a q for u... what if the marriage ended? How long would the BS hang onto the hatred?

 

It doesn't sound like the BS is very upset.. she's willing to cover for OP. But doesn't mean she won't gossip.

[Sub]

I've noticed a lot of BSs act out very dramatically in an effort to exact revenge on the AP (they stay with their spouse who cheated though, and forgive them and reconcile, but boy do they hate that AP!).

 

I think you're really oversimplifying things here. Reconciliation rarely means "all good, let's move on!" with a coke and a smile. Most of the time, it's the AP with the opportunity to move on with their life, especially if they're single. Reconciling couples are usually putting in the work to put the marriage back together, going to counseling if needed, working through all the issues that led to the A. Let's be honest: The BS hardly exists to the AP during the A. They give lip-service to their existence, but in reality it's out-of-sight, out-of-mind. So why should they care about the BS's opinion of them once it's discovered?

[the_artist_1970]

Here is a q for u... what if the marriage ended? How long would the BS hang onto the hatred?

 

I think that depends on the person. Most ppl don't hate forever. Some ppl never let go especially if the WS leaves the marriage to be with the AP. I actually would have respected my XWS more if he had told me that he met someone else and wanted to be with her. I wouldn't have hated either one of them because if they wanted to be together, good riddens to him (she wanted him but he had no intention of being with her IRL). My husband is my best friend and I want him to be happy even if he is not with me. Some women see OW as husband snatchers when the MM leaves but I don't see them that way. People have a right to be with whom they want as long as they are honest with all parties involved.

 

I have a friend whose husband left her for another woman and she has been mad for over ten years at the OW and her XH. She even secretly cheats with her XH since he has been married to the OW. She stays mad because she can't let go and the xh keeps her hooked by continuing to mess around with her. I don't understand that.

 

My hatred for my DH for a while came from the fact that he lied to me and my hatred for her came from the fact that she knowingly slept with my DH, a MM.

 

The thing that hurts the worse is the lies that cheaters tell and the sneaking around and putting people in open marriages when they don't want to share their spouses.

[ComingInHot]

I had a one night stand with a very old friend. We have had feelings for one another for many years but never acted on them. I have been married for 14 years and together with my husband a total of 21 years. With 2 young children, He has been married for just a few years. No kids. It was wonderful and the feelings came rushing back. We both agreed that we would tell nobody and it wouldn't happen again. I noticed that he blocked me recently from fb, about 2 months after our night together. I texted him about it and he told me he told his wife. It had to be done. That is all the information he told me. Apparently the agreed to keep it between them because they don't want to hurt my family. I'm pretty distraught that he did this. We have mutual friends and my worry is that she may get mad or want yo share and my husband will find out. I don't want to split up and I know I made the wrong choice to cheat. What should I do? Should I ask him more details of why he had to tell her? I've been obsessing about this for a week!

 

Good Morning MaryElizabeth,

 

The above in bold stuck out to me. When I read lines like, "it was Wonderful", and learn you were also FB buddies, to you being 'distraught' because of of FIRST "mutual friends" learning what you did. THEN Your Husband will find out. Ending with you know you made the wrong (drunken) choice (why were you drinking with a married man?).

 

To me the bottom line isn't so much you felt/feel Guilt or badly for Your cheating BUT you fee Remorse because there is a very high probability that you are going to get CAUGHT.

 

there is a difference between feeling horrible for cheating on Your Spouse as opposed to feeling horrible you got busted...

Have you thought of talking to someone you can trust about all this? It sounds like you need support. You will most likely need it soon?

 

I write this because what is done in the dark has a way of finding the light. I don't know what will happen but I can advise you to:

1. NOT CONTACT THIS MARRIED MAN AGAIN (it is dangerous at this point as His Wife is or could be involved & you don't want to push her any further!)

2. STOP Cheating FOREVER and focusing on anything other than your marriage and what you want/need from it (it could be you need to Separate or Divorce or counseling...)

3. Work on what is broken in you that you allowed yourself to enter an A/ONS?cheat so you can fix it to not become that person ever again

 

all my best,

CIH*

[goodyblue]

I think that depends on the person. Most ppl don't hate forever. Some ppl never let go especially if the WS leaves the marriage to be with the AP. I actually would have respected my XWS more if he had told me that he met someone else and wanted to be with her. I wouldn't have hated either one of them because if they wanted to be together, good riddens to him (she wanted him but he had no intention of being with her IRL). My husband is my best friend and I want him to be happy even if he is not with me. Some women see OW as husband snatchers when the MM leaves but I don't see them that way. People have a right to be with whom they want as long as they are honest with all parties involved.

 

I have a friend whose husband left her for another woman and she has been mad for over ten years at the OW and her XH. She even secretly cheats with her XH since he has been married to the OW. She stays mad because she can't let go and the xh keeps her hooked by continuing to mess around with her. I don't understand that.

 

My hatred for my DH for a while came from the fact that he lied to me and my hatred for her came from the fact that she knowingly slept with my DH, a MM.

 

The thing that hurts the worse is the lies that cheaters tell and the sneaking around and putting people in open marriages when they don't want to share their spouses.

 

Thank you for your honesty. Pretty much everyone in our lives is fine with us, except his ex, who won't go away, won't stop bothering us/him. I care because I am sick of it, but I also care because she seems to be getting more angry, not less, and seems to obsess more with our lives, not less. She won't go to therapy, she won't stop drinking. I just worry it's going to be hell for the rest of our lives.

 

I appreciate you explaining it to me a little. I have never been on your side of things, so even though I know how I THINK I may feel if it ever happened, I have never actually lived it and all of my thoughts are speculation.

 

I wish she'd heal and move on. It's been a few years for us, but on and on it goes.

[Sub]

I have a friend whose husband left her for another woman and she has been mad for over ten years at the OW and her XH. She even secretly cheats with her XH since he has been married to the OW.

 

That's crazy. I'm surprised that, as mad as she is, she doesn't out her XH to his W. You would think that would be the perfect way to exact some sort of revenge if she's indeed that angry.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for your honesty. Pretty much everyone in our lives is fine with us, except his ex, who won't go away, won't stop bothering us/him. I care because I am sick of it, but I also care because she seems to be getting more angry, not less, and seems to obsess more with our lives, not less. She won't go to therapy, she won't stop drinking. I just worry it's going to be hell for the rest of our lives.

 

I appreciate you explaining it to me a little. I have never been on your side of things, so even though I know how I THINK I may feel if it ever happened, I have never actually lived it and all of my thoughts are speculation.

 

I wish she'd heal and move on. It's been a few years for us, but on and on it goes.

 

Has he ever apologized for hurting her? I mean, really own that he hurt her by cheating on her and having an A with you? It's not like you two met and then he divorced right away, there was an affair and betrayal. Just wondering if it would make a difference if he owned his behaviour and told her he is sorry for hurting her and how things played out. Just seems the blame is all on her, why their marriage fell apart, why he cheated. The hatred isn't just her, it's poison to you and him as well.

[DKT3]

Thank you for your honesty. Pretty much everyone in our lives is fine with us, except his ex, who won't go away, won't stop bothering us/him. I care because I am sick of it, but I also care because she seems to be getting more angry, not less, and seems to obsess more with our lives, not less. She won't go to therapy, she won't stop drinking. I just worry it's going to be hell for the rest of our lives.

 

I appreciate you explaining it to me a little. I have never been on your side of things, so even though I know how I THINK I may feel if it ever happened, I have never actually lived it and all of my thoughts are speculation.

 

I wish she'd heal and move on. It's been a few years for us, but on and on it goes.

 

I think this would be a good topic for a new thread.

 

Judging from the comments I have read from you, you guys seem to place a lot of this in her lap and expect her to just get over it and move on. I fear for your sake this pattern doesn't repeat and you find yourself in her shoe. You may not want to believe it, but its very likely, seeing how he seems to not be holding himself accountable and your feeding into that. Oh she is crazy, she was horrible, she is a drunk. That may all be true, but he is much worse, he is a liar and a cheater that doesn't just go away.

[goodyblue]

Has he ever apologized for hurting her? I mean, really own that he hurt her by cheating on her and having an A with you? It's not like you two met and then he divorced right away, there was an affair and betrayal. Just wondering if it would make a difference if he owned his behaviour and told her he is sorry for hurting her and how things played out. Just seems the blame is all on her, why their marriage fell apart, why he cheated. The hatred isn't just her, it's poison to you and him as well.

 

 

He has. There were several discussions right after he left, a couple more about six months in. He talked about the extent of our relationship and why he had an affair. That he knows it was the wrong thing to do. I put the blame on her more than he does. He takes responsibility for his part in the failure of the marriage as well as his decision to have an affair. He also sees her part in it. He is logical whereas I move more on emotion. While I do understand he made the decision to cheat I still feel the horrible marriage weighed in on his decision. He is an honest person by nature, our affair was short, he feels guilt over it and we have been in therapy to help us rewrite the dynamic of our relationship. His ex is a different story. She seems to be getting worse and her emails are more and more about me, not about him or their divorce etc. So... this dynamic worries me.

[goodyblue]

I think this would be a good topic for a new thread.

 

Judging from the comments I have read from you, you guys seem to place a lot of this in her lap and expect her to just get over it and move on. I fear for your sake this pattern doesn't repeat and you find yourself in her shoe. You may not want to believe it, but its very likely, seeing how he seems to not be holding himself accountable and your feeding into that. Oh she is crazy, she was horrible, she is a drunk. That may all be true, but he is much worse, he is a liar and a cheater that doesn't just go away.

 

I would worry too except that we have done a lot to safeguard our relationship. He does take responsibility, as I told WWIP.

[Got it]

I would worry too except that we have done a lot to safeguard our relationship. He does take responsibility, as I told WWIP.

 

Goody - I get it. It takes as long as it takes but that isn't your concern. It is the worst as the divorce is being hammered out but it gets markedly better afterwards because there is less to control or lash out at.

 

I have not dealt with the point of focus but we have dealt with backlash, unwillingness to get therapy, moving on, etc. as well as parental alienation attempts.

 

For us what changed things was finding a father's rights attorney (this was after the divorce was finalized) and my husband laying it out for her. That he was done with her bullying, done with the kids being put in the middle and the things he would do to safeguard himself and the kids.

 

And while I always enjoy the blanket victimhood of the BS as the WS is accountable for their actions as is the BS. That has been the most interesting aspect of my husband's situation. She cheated first, he found out years later, sorry, it's over, get over it, still treated him poorly, and then was aghast and anger when he cheated and left (more for the leaving than the cheating).

 

We are all adults and so are all responsible for our actions regardless of titles worn.

 

OP - for your situation, there are a few options laid out you can do. What do you want to do?

 

You can try and cover your bases, sitting tight and hope that your husband doesn't find out. And play those odds knowing that you will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or proactively tell him and lay it all out.

 

It is your call. Playing the odds may work. But it may not. And you really need to think of what happens next in both scenarios.

 

I do think you need to look further into why you had the ONS. Things never "just happen" regardless of how drunk you are. For that to happen you wouldn't have been able to have given legal consent which is a whole other issue all together. If you feel you gave legal consent then you need to deep dive and own why you did.

 

As someone that had a full on, raging, affair. It is far easier not to jump into the deep end then try and swim your way out.

[goodyblue]

Goody - I get it. It takes as long as it takes but that isn't your concern. It is the worst as the divorce is being hammered out but it gets markedly better afterwards because there is less to control or lash out at.

 

I have not dealt with the point of focus but we have dealt with backlash, unwillingness to get therapy, moving on, etc. as well as parental alienation attempts.

 

For us what changed things was finding a father's rights attorney (this was after the divorce was finalized) and my husband laying it out for her. That he was done with her bullying, done with the kids being put in the middle and the things he would do to safeguard himself and the kids.

 

And while I always enjoy the blanket victimhood of the BS as the WS is accountable for their actions as is the BS. That has been the most interesting aspect of my husband's situation. She cheated first, he found out years later, sorry, it's over, get over it, still treated him poorly, and then was aghast and anger when he cheated and left (more for the leaving than the cheating).

 

We are all adults and so are all responsible for our actions regardless of titles worn.

 

OP - for your situation, there are a few options laid out you can do. What do you want to do?

 

You can try and cover your bases, sitting tight and hope that your husband doesn't find out. And play those odds knowing that you will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or proactively tell him and lay it all out.

 

It is your call. Playing the odds may work. But it may not. And you really need to think of what happens next in both scenarios.

 

I do think you need to look further into why you had the ONS. Things never "just happen" regardless of how drunk you are. For that to happen you wouldn't have been able to have given legal consent which is a whole other issue all together. If you feel you gave legal consent then you need to deep dive and own why you did.

 

As someone that had a full on, raging, affair. It is far easier not to jump into the deep end then try and swim your way out.

 

I.always appreciate your posts. The divorce has been final for some time now and she just seems to get worse. Six paragraph email and the first two sentences are about the home they must sell and the rest is about me. I just hope she moves on. Thank God their kids are raised.