He told his wife, now what?

[MaryElizabeth]

It was definitely consensual. I was drinking with him because it was a reunion of sorts with a bunch of old friends. I live out of state. He had a get together at his beach house and I was staying on the beach. When it was time to go, I was getting a ride and he said he wanted to keep on talking so he would walk me back to my cottage. Then he came in. He called me the next day to see how I was and we said we would never tell anyone about what happened. Wished each other well and that was it. Yes, I have looked him up in social media but no messaging or anything like that.

I do thank those of you who can try to see my side. Nothing in this world is black and white. I feel for those and their SO who view the world this way. Sometimes things DO just happen and are not planned. It doesn't make them right but have you never been caught up in a moment and made the wrong choice? Maybe you haven't been in this situation but I'm sure you have not always, without fail made perfect choices.

[Sub]

Sometimes things DO just happen and are not planned. It doesn't make them right but have you never been caught up in a moment and made the wrong choice? Maybe you haven't been in this situation but I'm sure you have not always, without fail made perfect choices.

 

I agree. And it sounds as if it's an experience that you'll learn from. That said, do you think your H shares that view?

[NJ123]

Tell your husband before he finds out from someone else. You need to admit to him now what you did, instead of him finding out later on by someone else especially. If you tell him now, he may forgive you for being honest, but if he finds out on his own you can kiss your marriage goodbye for sure.

[cif]

Makes no sense for OP to tell her husband and possibly break up the marriage over an indiscretion she barely remembers.

[jellybean89]

Of course only OP can decide what to do with the information. I would wait. See how i felt in a couple of days. I would not do anything rash that could ruin a marriage. When there is infidelity a betrayed husband is far more likely to end the marriage. The posters telling you to run tell your husband have been cheated on. They are telling you things from that standpoint. When in doubt, do nothing. Hang in there.

 

No, you are inaccurate. I guess you don't understand that even those who haven't been cheated on think it is wrong to betray your partner. Why the need to label people who disagree with you as a BS? Does it help your opinion to dismiss those differing in opinions as "betrayed" so therefore, their view is not important?

 

It was definitely consensual. I was drinking with him because it was a reunion of sorts with a bunch of old friends. I live out of state. He had a get together at his beach house and I was staying on the beach. When it was time to go, I was getting a ride and he said he wanted to keep on talking so he would walk me back to my cottage. Then he came in. He called me the next day to see how I was and we said we would never tell anyone about what happened. Wished each other well and that was it. Yes, I have looked him up in social media but no messaging or anything like that.

I do thank those of you who can try to see my side. Nothing in this world is black and white. I feel for those and their SO who view the world this way. Sometimes things DO just happen and are not planned. It doesn't make them right but have you never been caught up in a moment and made the wrong choice? Maybe you haven't been in this situation but I'm sure you have not always, without fail made perfect choices.

 

No one is perfect. But cheating on your partner isn't an oops. Everyone makes bad choices in their lifetime, but cheating on your spouse and then withholding that information so your spouse can't make a decision on their life is wrong. In my view. There are things in life that are black and white, and infidelity is one of those things for many people...just like abortion or homosexuality is for others. You want to cover this up so others don't find out, which is totally unfair to your spouse. You've already betrayed him, now you are withholding vital information and disrespecting him. How many more things are you willing to do to hide the infidelity? Will he be mad? Yep, and rightfully so. You state he is jealous, and obviously he has good reason to be since you did cheat on him, and enjoyed it ("it was wonderful"). You state you were drunk, but you remembered enough to call it wonderful, so in MY view, you were fully aware of what you were doing.

 

Telling the truth will free you from the worry and stress and anxiety that your actions have caused. And if his wife chooses to tell others, that's her right. Doesn't make her a bad person or a crappy human, just as your choices don't make you a crapoy human or bad person. It was your actions that were crappy & bad.

[stillafool]

The guy told his wife because he really loves her and can't stomach keeping this betrayal a secret. There is no reason to call him and ask what was said because what he told his wife was the truth. I think you had better tell your husband the truth also because he IS going to find out. Chances are he won't leave you because you two have kids. However, he will never view you the same way again and he has every right to feel that way. Please don't blame your infidelity on alcohol. You remembered how much you enjoyed the sex so you knew exactly what you were doing.

Edited October 1, 2014 by stillafool

[stillafool]

I am not trying yo make my husband look like a fool. I feel awful but it would wreck him. Why tell and hurt the person when they don't need to know? I feel like that is making it even worse.to make myself feel better, not him. That's why I don't understand why he told her. I'm not going to do it again. All our friends don't know. It was private between the 2 of us.

 

The reason he told his wife is he is in love with her and made a bad choice by sleeping with you. Unlike you he has enough respect for his wife to man up and tell her the horrible thing he has done. You say why hurt the person and tell them. I think cheaters who don't tell are more worried about saving their own arses than hurting their spouse with the truth. You are not going to do it again because this guy has made it clear to you he is not interested in doing it again. I think if he had wanted to continue the affair you would do it. He realized right away that what he did was awful to his wife and put a stop to it and confessed. When your H finds out the OM told his wife the truth while you kept this a secret to save your arse; can you imagine what you are going to look like to him? Not pretty.

[goodyblue]

No, you are inaccurate. I guess you don't understand that even those who haven't been cheated on think it is wrong to betray your partner. Why the need to label people who disagree with you as a BS? Does it help your opinion to dismiss those differing in opinions as "betrayed" so therefore, their view is not important?

 

 

 

 

No one is perfect. But cheating on your partner isn't an oops. Everyone makes bad choices in their lifetime, but cheating on your spouse and then withholding that information so your spouse can't make a decision on their life is wrong. In my view. There are things in life that are black and white, and infidelity is one of those things for many people...just like abortion or homosexuality is for others. You want to cover this up so others don't find out, which is totally unfair to your spouse. You've already betrayed him, now you are withholding vital information and disrespecting him. How many more things are you willing to do to hide the infidelity? Will he be mad? Yep, and rightfully so. You state he is jealous, and obviously he has good reason to be since you did cheat on him, and enjoyed it ("it was wonderful"). You state you were drunk, but you remembered enough to call it wonderful, so in MY view, you were fully aware of what you were doing.

 

Telling the truth will free you from the worry and stress and anxiety that your actions have caused. And if his wife chooses to tell others, that's her right. Doesn't make her a bad person or a crappy human, just as your choices don't make you a crapoy human or bad person. It was your actions that were crappy & bad.

 

I am saying that someone who has been betrayed has a different viewpoint than someone who had an indescretion. And you in particular think you have the answers to everything when you simply do not.

 

I also never said it was not wrong to cheat. I was saying the fact that your husband cheated on you colors your view of how things should be handled.

Edited October 1, 2014 by goodyblue

[Got it]

In regards to telling, I did not tell my ex husband I cheated. I was already planning on divorcing so this was the final catalyst to do so. I left a few weeks later. Because we were divorcing, with neither party awarded anything that the affair would have impacted (finances, children, etc) , I chose not to tell him. So that is hanging out there for me.

 

We did have an amicable divorce and he is happily remarried with a child. I did not want to add insult to injury BUT I am fully aware that he may find out someday and will plan to answer any questions he may have. So for my situation I rolled the dice and played "God" with the information.

[stillafool]

In regards to telling, I did not tell my ex husband I cheated. I was already planning on divorcing so this was the final catalyst to do so. I left a few weeks later. Because we were divorcing, with neither party awarded anything that the affair would have impacted (finances, children, etc) , I chose not to tell him. So that is hanging out there for me.

 

We did have an amicable divorce and he is happily remarried with a child. I did not want to add insult to injury BUT I am fully aware that he may find out someday and will plan to answer any questions he may have. So for my situation I rolled the dice and played "God" with the information.

 

At least you had the decency to divorce him. Since he is remarried with a kid I doubt if he found out at this point it wouldn't make much of a difference to him.

[Got it]

It was definitely consensual. I was drinking with him because it was a reunion of sorts with a bunch of old friends. I live out of state. He had a get together at his beach house and I was staying on the beach. When it was time to go, I was getting a ride and he said he wanted to keep on talking so he would walk me back to my cottage. Then he came in. He called me the next day to see how I was and we said we would never tell anyone about what happened. Wished each other well and that was it. Yes, I have looked him up in social media but no messaging or anything like that.

I do thank those of you who can try to see my side. Nothing in this world is black and white. I feel for those and their SO who view the world this way. Sometimes things DO just happen and are not planned. It doesn't make them right but have you never been caught up in a moment and made the wrong choice? Maybe you haven't been in this situation but I'm sure you have not always, without fail made perfect choices.

 

ME - I get it, I had those "just happened" moments. But what you need to do is back up a few steps, to the beginning of that trip, that month, that year, etc. and look at the slippery slope that you were going down to allow that idea to enter your head and to not have a HARD STOP in front of it.

 

I didn't sleep with someone else at this point but while I was dating my ex husband (we were high school/college sweethearts) and I had those moments where I made out with an ex boyfriend when I had been drinking. I would excuse it away because of the drinking, it didn't mean anything, it wasn't worth blowing everything up over. But in hindsight it was. My actions were telling me what I thought of my relationship, what I had invested in it, and my priority of it. What didn't scream out to me, that should have, was how could I walk down that road. And because I didn't address the hard truths, that while I did love my ex it was not in a way he deserved and I had "one foot out" at all times but I wanted to keep my security blanket, i.e. him. So I was cake eating well prior to every knowing the term.

 

So what I have learned now in therapy is how many slippery slopes I was hitting far earlier than I realized, the most important ones were the ones going on in my thinking and justifying, how many red flags that I should have paid attention to, and how I should have addressed the relationship, dating, codependency, my own identity, etc.

 

I would recommend seeking IC to work through your thinking. What I have learned now is how hard I need to campaign every day to protect and promote the integrity of my relationship(s), how to address issues, how to address them in a healthy manner, and how to hold myself accountable and not sweep anything under the rug. This has forced me to be transparent in all areas, even minor areas. At any time I want to minimize, hide, change anything that I need to tell my husband I need to peel back the layers of why I want to do that and put forth the correct behavior. Why? Because I don't want to be at the bottom of the hill trying to figure my way back up.

 

So tell him or don't tell him at this point. But either way really spend the time to learn more about yourself, your thinking and why that was an option (and there is nothing the other person does that justifies it. First helpful tip. )

 

((((((ME))))))))

[MaryElizabeth]

"The reason he told his wife is he is in love with her and made a bad choice by sleeping with you. Unlike you he has enough respect for his wife to man up and tell her the horrible thing he has done."

 

Pretty typical take to blame the woman. We are in completely different situations..he's been marries a couple years, no kids, a doctor( financially secure) I have been with my h for over 20 years, SAHM and young children. I made a mistake by sleeping with him, too. Yet, vilify me. The OM and I have known each other for 20 years with past feelings. It wasn't some stranger in a bar. That's what I mean by thing are not black and white all the time.

[MaryElizabeth]

Thank you GotIt and I am going to do some work and see someone. I know I have some deep issues regarding self worth and sex.i don't want to destroy my family because of those issues.

[Got it]

"The reason he told his wife is he is in love with her and made a bad choice by sleeping with you. Unlike you he has enough respect for his wife to man up and tell her the horrible thing he has done."

 

Pretty typical take to blame the woman. We are in completely different situations..he's been marries a couple years, no kids, a doctor( financially secure) I have been with my h for over 20 years, SAHM and young children. I made a mistake by sleeping with him, too. Yet, vilify me. The OM and I have known each other for 20 years with past feelings. It wasn't some stranger in a bar. That's what I mean by thing are not black and white all the time.

 

ME - do you see that this is just surface thinking. You aren't really deep diving why you did it. If you don't figure out why and address it how do you know it won't happen again? With him or someone else?

 

I used to think that it was because it was this ex, there was this history, etc. but it just opened the door. What are you doing to protect your marriage going forward?

 

Do you see you have kept this guy open as an option for a long time. Why was he ever an option?

 

Do you feel stuck in your life?

[stillafool]

"The reason he told his wife is he is in love with her and made a bad choice by sleeping with you. Unlike you he has enough respect for his wife to man up and tell her the horrible thing he has done."

 

Pretty typical take to blame the woman. We are in completely different situations..he's been marries a couple years, no kids, a doctor( financially secure) I have been with my h for over 20 years, SAHM and young children. I made a mistake by sleeping with him, too. Yet, vilify me. The OM and I have known each other for 20 years with past feelings. It wasn't some stranger in a bar. That's what I mean by thing are not black and white all the time.

 

You still don't get it, do you? He CONFESSED to his wife what he did. You are keeping your husband in the dark. You both are in the same situation, married and cheated except he told her and blocked you. What does him being a doctor and financially secure have to with him deciding to tell his wife the truth? If anything he would lose her faster than you would your husband because they haven't been married very long and have no kids to think of yet. So he could have very well kept this hidden like you. You've been married for 20 years with kids which is alot harder for your husband to walk away from. Not to mention the financial burden upon him if you two were to divorce. Stop making excuses for not doing the right thing.

[MaryElizabeth]

I was saying that in response to why I don't want to tell and maybe why it was safer for him to come clean yo his wife. I'm not sure why I did it. I didn't keep him as an option all these years. Haven't seen or been in touch with him in a decade but we started talking about our old feelings. I need therapy. Point blank. My husband and I have many issues, together and personally.

[MaryElizabeth]

Stillafool, I guess I don't see it that way. I do think I have a hell of a lot more to lose.

[MaryElizabeth]

Being financially secure is HUGE.

[goodyblue]

You still don't get it, do you? He CONFESSED to his wife what he did. You are keeping your husband in the dark. You both are in the same situation, married and cheated except he told her and blocked you. What does him being a doctor and financially secure have to with him deciding to tell his wife the truth? If anything he would lose her faster than you would your husband because they haven't been married very long and have no kids to think of yet. So he could have very well kept this hidden like you. You've been married for 20 years with kids which is alot harder for your husband to walk away from. Not to mention the financial burden upon him if you two were to divorce. Stop making excuses for not doing the right thing.

 

Actually women are far, far more likely to stay when they have been cheated on. Especially since he is financially secure.

 

And the right thing is subjective. What is right for you may be very wrong for her. Stop trying to guilt her.

[Survivor12]

Ten characters

[goodyblue]

Being financially secure is HUGE.

 

Hell, my guy's ex would take him back even after years of being with me for the financial security alone!!!

[stillafool]

Actually women are far, far more likely to stay when they have been cheated on. Especially since he is financially secure.

 

Perhaps his wife is financially secure in her own right and is not sitting around the house waiting on his paycheck.

 

And the right thing is subjective. What is right for you may be very wrong for her. Stop trying to guilt her.

 

You sound like an OW.

[stillafool]

I was saying that in response to why I don't want to tell and maybe why it was safer for him to come clean yo his wife. I'm not sure why I did it. I didn't keep him as an option all these years. Haven't seen or been in touch with him in a decade but we started talking about our old feelings. I need therapy. Point blank. My husband and I have many issues, together and personally.

 

 

Have you and your husband ever thought of marriage counseling. You aren't happy.

[DKT3]

"The reason he told his wife is he is in love with her and made a bad choice by sleeping with you. Unlike you he has enough respect for his wife to man up and tell her the horrible thing he has done."

 

Pretty typical take to blame the woman. We are in completely different situations..he's been marries a couple years, no kids, a doctor( financially secure) I have been with my h for over 20 years, SAHM and young children. I made a mistake by sleeping with him, too. Yet, vilify me. The OM and I have known each other for 20 years with past feelings. It wasn't some stranger in a bar. That's what I mean by thing are not black and white all the time.

 

Your here the OM isn't. If he were he would hear the same.

 

So what you had a crush 20 years ago, who didn't. That is no excuse. Sleeping with another man/woman while married is pretty black and white.

 

its kinda sounding like this isn't you first time.

[MissBee]

I had a one night stand with a very old friend. We have had feelings for one another for many years but never acted on them. I have been married for 14 years and together with my husband a total of 21 years. With 2 young children, He has been married for just a few years. No kids. It was wonderful and the feelings came rushing back. We both agreed that we would tell nobody and it wouldn't happen again. I noticed that he blocked me recently from fb, about 2 months after our night together. I texted him about it and he told me he told his wife. It had to be done. That is all the information he told me. Apparently the agreed to keep it between them because they don't want to hurt my family. I'm pretty distraught that he did this. We have mutual friends and my worry is that she may get mad or want yo share and my husband will find out. I don't want to split up and I know I made the wrong choice to cheat. What should I do? Should I ask him more details of why he had to tell her? I've been obsessing about this for a week!

 

I don't think asking him more details about why he told will solve any of your problems, as the problem isn't that, but that his wife now knows and can do what she will with the information, which neither he nor you can control. I mean technically the saying "two can keep a secret if one of them is dead" has truth to it, in that while in the A, especially if both are married, the two people may have an incentive to keep it a secret, but that can change...like it did in your case. You can never account for if other people change their minds. Likewise he can't really control if his wife tells someone else. Most of us have probably experienced either us or someone we know saying "I'm not supposed to say anything but..." or "This is between us but..." or "Don't tell anyone else but..." and there it goes. It happens all too commonly so if you really want to control information utter it to no one, otherwise people will do what they want with that info.

 

Doesn't matter why he told...he did. He got something out of it. Maybe he simply couldn't carry on with the secret and felt badly about it and wanted forgiveness and a clean slate.

 

Anyway, what she chooses to do isn't in your hands, the only proactive thing you could do is admit the one night stand to your husband so at least you know no one is lording it over your head or you're not paranoid that mutual friends may have been made aware etc. I know that the fear itself can weigh on you more than the reality, as when you're living in fear of being found out, regardless of if people know or not you'll be paranoid or wonder if it will ever come out, so admitting it first takes away that power it has over you. But if you don't want to go that route there's not much else to do besides hope she doesn't tell and live your life like she didn't and deal with the fall out of her telling only if it becomes a reality.

Edited October 1, 2014 by MissBee