He told his wife, now what?

[whatatangledweb]

I had a one night stand with a very old friend. We have had feelings for one another for many years but never acted on them. I have been married for 14 years and together with my husband a total of 21 years. With 2 young children, He has been married for just a few years. No kids. It was wonderful and the feelings came rushing back. We both agreed that we would tell nobody and it wouldn't happen again. I noticed that he blocked me recently from fb, about 2 months after our night together. I texted him about it and he told me he told his wife. It had to be done. That is all the information he told me. Apparently the agreed to keep it between them because they don't want to hurt my family. I'm pretty distraught that he did this. We have mutual friends and my worry is that she may get mad or want yo share and my husband will find out. I don't want to split up and I know I made the wrong choice to cheat. What should I do? Should I ask him more details of why he had to tell her? I've been obsessing about this for a week!

 

With his wife knowing and since she agreed not to tell anyone, I would not contact the MM again. That might make her change her mind. As a BS it would make me call your husband , but that's me. She may not.

 

Whether you tell your husband is up to you. You can tell him and take the threat of being exposed away. Or you can just hope he never finds out. That choice is totally up to you. Everyone has an opinion and what feels right to us may not for you.

[gettingstronger]

Wait, leaving the abuse out of your post was a pretty big detail. The post went from not wanting to hurt your spouse to not wanting to be hurt by your spouse. Can't imagine anyone would say tell an abuse spouse , what they would say is leave an abusive spouse.

[Sub]

Wait, leaving the abuse out of your post was a pretty big detail. The post went from not wanting to hurt your spouse to not wanting to be hurt by your spouse. Can't imagine anyone would say tell an abuse spouse , what they would say is leave an abusive spouse.

 

This, exactly. I was for telling your H in part because of your concern about the BW possibly doing so. Knowing what we know now, I would probably not tell the abusive H, and instead prioritize leaving him. Easier said than done, obviously.

[the_artist_1970]

Yes, sleeping with somebody else is black and white but not the feelings that go along with having committed adultery. What's your longest relationship? 24 years isn't easy.

 

Well, my marriage will be 22 years next month and I can't even imagine being unfaithful to my DH even we he was unfaithful to me for eight months six years ago. The thought of sleeping with two men repulses me and the thought of sleeping with a MM who is sleeping with his W also repulses me. The amount of time you have been married weighs nothing on why you cheated. Neither does the fact that you knew him 20 years ago. The person he is now is much different than who he was then. I strongly suggest getting into counseling. You wrote that you are a SAHM to two young children. That means it was even harder to get away from the family a night, get drunk and have s*x with a MM. It takes a lot to do all of that when you are a SAHM.

 

I pray that you will have peace within yourself and find a way to live a true, authentic life with no deep dark secrets from your spouse. No hiding dirty little secrets from the world. And no, allowing your body to be used for one night and then discarded like you are nothing. I pray you will see that you deserve so much more than that.

[anne1707]

If your marriage is abusive then whilst it is understandable that you needed love and affection (which the OM provided to an extent), you know that this is not the solution. An affair is an unhealthy option for solving an unhealthy marriage. You need to focus on the marriage and in this case, it would seem that the best thing to do is leave. You should not live your life like this. But you also need to not think of the OM as he is out of his life. He has chosen to work on his marriage which we can only assume is right for him. For you, your path is different. Put yourself first and leave your husband.

[JustJoe]

OP, we can only go by the information you give us. Nobody here is going to give you much support , sight unseen. If your husband is abusive, as you say, then leave him and explore your options, and you DO have options.

You seemed from your earlier posts to be wanting to reconcile, and that is almost impossible without telling the truth. I am , BTW, NOT a BS, but a former OM.

[HermioneG]

Not that it matters, but I am confused by some of the details. The OP says she has been married for 14, together for 21 years originally. And then later mentions a 24 year relationship.

 

Is this all the same relationship ? I am just trying to make sure I understand. And as for the abuse- I would definitely amend the recommendation to reveal the affair to the spouse, in that situation. Has any help been sought for the abuse? Is it ongoing? Is the risk of the other betrayed telling something that will endanger the OP?

 

I think since the story has changed, in order to be more supportive, we need to know what the picture looks like.

[peaksandvalleys]

Here is a q for u... what if the marriage ended? How long would the BS hang onto the hatred?

 

As long as one might feel necessary I would think. My marriage ended and the disgust I feel for him and her are as real to me now as it was then.

[peaksandvalleys]

"The reason he told his wife is he is in love with her and made a bad choice by sleeping with you. Unlike you he has enough respect for his wife to man up and tell her the horrible thing he has done."

 

Pretty typical take to blame the woman. We are in completely different situations..he's been marries a couple years, no kids, a doctor( financially secure) I have been with my h for over 20 years, SAHM and young children. I made a mistake by sleeping with him, too. Yet, vilify me. The OM and I have known each other for 20 years with past feelings. It wasn't some stranger in a bar. That's what I mean by thing are not black and white all the time.

 

I might be wrong but it does not appear the poster you responded to was using gender as a reason to blame anyone. I see two people who do the wrong thing whether you call that black, white, purple or green. His life situation does not necessarily dictate why he had less to use than you do. The OM is not here posting but you did say or maybe it was the way you implied that he owed you more than to he owed his wife by owning his actions. I am also one of those people who live in the black and white. My husband cheated that's black for me. I hired a PI and informed her husband that's white. The gray may only be that she was unsure of what I would do. Now that she knows, there is no longer any gray. Maybe in your fear there is plenty of gray. Is it possible you will remove that gray by owning the black and white of your actions?

[peaksandvalleys]

Yes, sleeping with somebody else is black and white but not the feelings that go along with having committed adultery. What's your longest relationship? 24 years isn't easy.

 

Try more than 30. My life exploded because of the secrets of two people. Yes, that is the perspective I come from. I also can say to you without a doubt. If his BS hits that level of wanting retribution and heads to roll, there will be nothing you can do.

[jellybean89]

Okay. Because your gay/straight husband/wife/partner cheated on you, you are jaded in your responses. You guilt the OP. Don't believe me? No problem. But she needs to make her own decision and not be rash.

 

I also agree with Got it.

 

Hang in there OP.

 

For the final time, you are incorrect. I have never been cheated on nor have I ever cheated. Understand?

[velvette]

I'm surprised you take at face value the word of a liar and cheater.

 

For all you know, he hasn't told his wife at all.

 

He got what he wanted from you and for whatever reason, he doesn't want anything else. So, he blocked you on facebook to make sure you didn't show up there.

 

When that didn't work, he told you he told his wife. Maybe yes, maybe no. Who knows? Doctors are notorious for cheating.

 

You will never know whether or not he told her unless you speak directly with her. Great way for him to protect himself.

 

You on the other hand, have bigger problems if your H is physically abusive. That's what you need to deal with first.

 

If you are leaving your H, I wouldn't tell him. If you are interested in saving your M, then you should separate and tell your H to get therapy for his abusive tendencies. If he can do that and convince you you are safe with him, then you need to tell him the truth.

[goodyblue]

Sadly it seems some still loves a good lynching. Even in modern times.

 

I guess the internet, the veil of anonymity, post counts and likes received can make for typed words sometimes serving as a modern day bully pulpit. No matter how far we have come, some things never change. That in itself is interesting.

 

It is interesting to read the back paddle postings after your disclosure of abuse. No matter really, just an observation.

 

Also interesting those that just drop out when the argument/debate/self interest/ no longer feed whatever? Just an observation.

 

I used to post a lot her, then left for a while, but these two areas the infidelity and the other woman forums have always been a battlefield of agendas with a few and far between objective wise posts. This has been so for years. So know that you are not the first, nor sadly the last to feel the way you do, when you go to a place for support in a time of need.

 

A peer based anonymous internet forum might be the first step to admit to yourself that you need to make some changes or look within, or seek professional guidance elsewhere. Or you might think...dude, what is wrong with these folks? I'm alright.

 

Like a crowded airport full of opinions, or a mid-evil lynch mob, you might find 2 or 3 advices that resonate with your situation, and person hood. If so then follow that.

 

I wish you well and healing.

 

Life it is a journey, your journey, never let someone highjack that from you.

 

What do you want?

 

Great post. Sadly OP probably won't be back.

[Got it]

Great post. Sadly OP probably won't be back.

 

I agree.

 

OP - how are you holding up today? How are things going? Thinking of you.