Girlfriend on dating site

[Spectre]

Personally I think you are all way overthinking the sleeping around while broken up thing. It's pretty common - the rebound - being dumped or just breaking up is a pretty big emotional roller coaster.

 

It being common means little. People cheating is common too, but it doesn't make it any less wrong. Not saying she cheated, but something being common doesn't make it acceptable.

 

You might have a point about overthinking it..if we did not know that this girl has already shown she has a habit of planning ahead on who she is going to hook up with after the break up..before the break up even happens.

 

A lot of people try and cope by immidiately dating and maybe having a few one night stands. It's an attempt to try and move on quickly ... mask the pain of the breakup with something new. You dumped her so you can't really call her on this. Just because you coped in a different way.

 

Regardless of why she did it..she did it. It's not cheating, but it sure does indicate how she regards this guy that she says she wants to marry and have kids with.

 

The way people behave after a breakup is often Very different to how they would normally behave. I went on tinder after my breakup ... not normally something I would do .... you would be suprised how many of the people on there are recent break ups looking for something fun and less serious to try and help move past a breakup.

 

None of what you are saying makes any difference though. Okay, people act different after a break up. Fine. The thing is..it's not the way people conduct themselves during the good times that tells you a lot about them..it is the way people conduct themselves during the bad times.

 

You can't judge her for how she coped after you dumped her .... you can judge her for how she acted when you got back together.

 

I'm sorry, but what you are saying doesn't make any sense. He can certainly judge her for how she coped with their break up, especially if the break up was HER fault. What he can't do is call it cheating, but it does not mean he can't look at her behavior and come to certain conclusions. I don't even know why anyone would imply otherwise?

 

People are judging each other all the time for a myriad of reasons. I find it wrong to say this guy can't judge the actions of a potential LOVER when deciding if he wants to be with her. No, he certainly can..that is his choice, that is anyone's choice as we all have the right to choose who we want to be with. Remember: this is no random girl, this is a girl telling him she is in love with him, wants to marry him and have his babies. I would say he would be foolish to NOT be judging her actions. This is his life we are talking about, not something trivial.

[jack20]

I will be curious if she tries to contact you, since it hasn't been that long since you stopped talking and she supposedly wants you to father her children.

 

I also have to ask..could you give a short summary of why you dumped her? Instead of going digging for a long post. What was the jist of it? I only ask because you say I'd be wondering why you stayed with her and she started to exhibit some of the signs of behavior she would later show. So does that mean she cheated on you or otherwise acted inappropriately with other guys? I'd also be curious about..I know when a relationship ends it can be for more then one reason, but there is always the straw that breaks the camels back so to speak, there is usually a single event that really makes everything click in terms of "I need to get out of this relationship". So what was the final straw for you?

 

Here is why I ask: in regards to her sleeping around while broken up I have seen people saying "well, YOU are the one who dumped her" but the thing is..if you dumped her because she was acting shady in regards to you and other guys..and then once you dump her for acting that way she goes and sleeps around? Well, I would kind of change my views on whether or not she was betraying you. If you dumped her because of her behavior and she then went and acted even worse? I don't know, I think it shows she more or less *would* of betrayed you sooner or later then. If she was in love with you..she didn't seem too concerned about proving that to you, at least not until she had slept around.

 

Hell, I just had a crazy thought. What if she acted in a way that would make you dump her..on purpose? So that she could then go sleep around..and once she got that out of her system she could go back to you without technically having betrayed you. The only reason I even bring up this possibility is because it is obvious this girl plans ahead for what she does..so maybe she just had the urge to sleep with some other men and wanted to be able to get it out of her system without you being able to say she cheated. It would be especially easy to push you into dumping her once you had moved away and she had yet to follow.

 

I feel that she won't contact me as we broke up once, got back together although not physically since she was supposed to visit me here and then fully move down in 8 months but we broke up again over her severe "cheating" actions and live in two different countries so she's probably not going to bother anymore.

 

No, she never cheated on me as I'm aware of when I was with her up there. However, she was very smothering/clingy, jealous, insecure, and had anger issues. The smothering was that I just couldn't do anything with out her and she would call me all day and want me to text her all day or "I don't love her enough". She would always worry about women hitting on me or if I'm talking to women even though I'm not flirtatious when in a relationship and was in French Canada and I don't speak French so who would I be talking to? She would get mad easily so I walked on egg shells and was always worried about what I would say. A simplified example would be something like a commercial I saw once where the wife said, "Do you like my haircut?" The husband said that if he says he doesn't like it she'll get mad and say why and if he says he does like it she'll get mad and say what was wrong with it before? I always had to think sometimes of how I'd word things because being she was French primarily, the things we say in English she doesn't get it right and thinks it's negative and get mad and I'd have to rephrase and say, "No, I didn't mean that" or her just getting mad easily in general if you don't do what she wants. She can do things such as have a guy friend like her lawyer (that she calls her brother but he wasn't) and she went to dinner with him when I was living here before moving up there but if I were to do that with a female (which I didn't) she would be furious...high jealousy. She had some guy that was her house handy guy and he had a key to her place but said he would call her before he comes over to be sure it was okay or if she wasn't home to alert her that he'll be over there. They became friends 2 years before I met her after he was getting a treatment at her dad's medical office and he went through a divorce. She had broken up with her boyfriend at that time also. She said that she was just friends with him and they were never anything but friends but I always wondered if something had gone on in the past? They went motorcycle riding for a day together once, before I moved there, as she needed a licensed rider with her since she had a permit and she wanted to go riding. I decided to just trust her because I trust until I don't. However, I know if it was the other way around and I had a female friend like that that was my house renovator etc. she wouldn't stand for it but I have to? Double standard.

 

When I said I would be seeing my friend a week later (a guy) from high school that I hadn't seen in 21 years and we were having a reunion dinner, she got upset because she would be alone on that Thursday night. It was dinner for a few hours! She does cause a lot of drama and was supposed to get a shipment of product and was upset that she didn't get it through customs and texted me that. I had texted her back and said that's too bad and that I'm sure it will arrive soon...blah blah blah. I was cooking dinner at the time and she got upset at me because I should have stopped cooking dinner and dropped everything and called her immediately because nothing else mattered but her. So she'd get into fights on the phone with me because of that or if I took at nap and fell asleep and she was calling when I was asleep and I missed her calls. I would think, "Oh great, now she's upset at me." I call her back as soon as I wake and she wouldn't answer and wouldn't return my texts (but read them) because she was pissed at me. That's just some things.

 

So would she cheat on me if I was with her? Well, based on her going on the dating site while telling me she loves me and wants me children means she can easily say one thing and mean another. To me, that means she could go out and have sex (as she's shown that it's easy to just hook up without putting anything into it mentally) and still say she loves me when things go bad or she "feels" that I don't love her.

[jack20]

Personally I think you are all way overthinking the sleeping around while broken up thing. It's pretty common - the rebound - being dumped or just breaking up is a pretty big emotional roller coaster. A lot of people try and cope by immidiately dating and maybe having a few one night stands. It's an attempt to try and move on quickly ... mask the pain of the breakup with something new. You dumped her so you can't really call her on this. Just because you coped in a different way. The way people behave after a breakup is often Very different to how they would normally behave. I went on tinder after my breakup ... not normally something I would do .... you would be suprised how many of the people on there are recent break ups looking for something fun and less serious to try and help move past a breakup.

 

You can't judge her for how she coped after you dumped her .... you can judge her for how she acted when you got back together.

 

Yeah, I don't completely agree with this. Yes, I can't judge her totally for what she did after I dumped her but ask yourself. If you broke up with a girl and in the span of a month (as an example, we were broken up for 2.5 months) and your girl went out and slept with 25 guys, had threesomes, gangbangs. Then you get back together. Would you think that "Well, we were broke up but she'll be the mother of my children." No, you'd think differently. I know this is an extreme example but I'm saying that the behavior during the breakup with someone that claims to have still been head over heels in love with me and that it was always me, that I was the man and she had told me that she loved me more than all her other boyfriends combined...even one she said took her 2 years to get over. If that's the case I feel that she couldn't have done that. I know I couldn't do it.

[itzok2bk2o]

Hello jack20, I'm sorry to read about what you were going through. I see that it's been a while that you have posted and I was wondering if you have ever sought counseling for this issue? Will be praying for you! @itzok2bk2o

[Justanaverageguy]

Regardless of why she did it..she did it. It's not cheating, but it sure does indicate how she regards this guy that she says she wants to marry and have kids with.

 

None of what you are saying makes any difference though. Okay, people act different after a break up. Fine. The thing is..it's not the way people conduct themselves during the good times that tells you a lot about them..it is the way people conduct themselves during the bad times.

 

I'm sorry, but what you are saying doesn't make any sense. He can certainly judge her for how she coped with their break up, especially if the break up was HER fault. What he can't do is call it cheating, but it does not mean he can't look at her behavior and come to certain conclusions. I don't even know why anyone would imply otherwise?

 

People are judging each other all the time for a myriad of reasons. I find it wrong to say this guy can't judge the actions of a potential LOVER when deciding if he wants to be with her. No, he certainly can..that is his choice, that is anyone's choice as we all have the right to choose who we want to be with. Remember: this is no random girl, this is a girl telling him she is in love with him, wants to marry him and have his babies. I would say he would be foolish to NOT be judging her actions. This is his life we are talking about, not something trivial.

 

Sorry you can't have your cake and eat it to. He dumped her - not the other way around. You can't expect her to be sitting around moping and waiting for him to take her back. You break up with someone you lose the right to control who they see and who they sleep with. No where in this thread does he indicate she cheated on him before the initial break up .... he said and I quote:

 

"The relationship was a little rocky although we stayed together. I left for a job in the states and she was planning on following. The rocky times continued via the phone so I decided that we should call it quits. "

 

So the story is - He moved to a different city ..... she was planning to follow .... things got rocky when they went LDR and he dumped her. Doesn't really sounds like she caused it at all.

 

He chose to dump her when things got bad. So that decision is completely on him. If your not mature enough to deal with the fact your ex may sleep with someone else if you dump them or that a future partner may have had sex with others before you then that's your issue. Hypocrites holding others to standards they don't hold themselves to are just annoying. As I said what she did when he got back together with her is a completely different story to above.

Edited October 7, 2014 by Justanaverageguy

[itzok2bk2o]

Hello jack20,

 

I’m sorry to read about what you were going through. I see that it’s been a while that you have posted and I was wondering if you have ever sought counseling for this issue? Will be praying for you!

 

@itzok2bk2o

[jack20]

Sorry you can't have your cake and eat it to. He dumped her - not the other way around. You can't expect her to be sitting around moping and waiting for him to take her back. You break up with someone you lose the right to control who they see and who they sleep with. No where in this thread does he indicate she cheated on him before the initial break up .... he said and I quote:

 

"The relationship was a little rocky although we stayed together. I left for a job in the states and she was planning on following. The rocky times continued via the phone so I decided that we should call it quits. "

 

So the story is - He moved to a different city ..... she was planning to follow .... things got rocky when they went LDR and he dumped her. Doesn't really sounds like she caused it at all.

 

He chose to dump her when things got bad. So that decision is completely on him. If your not mature enough to deal with the fact your ex may sleep with someone else if you dump them or that a future partner may have had sex with others before you then that's your issue. Hypocrites holding others to standards they don't hold themselves to are just annoying. As I said what she did when he got back together with her is a completely different story to above.

 

Wow, just looking back at your post I see you are TOTALLY off the mark! Things didn't go rocky when we went LDR, they WERE rocky when I wasn't Long Distance! It just continued. Didn't sound like she caused it at all? SHE CAUSED IT ALL! Did you not read my story? I didn't say that "how could she sleep with someone else boo hoo" when we were broken up. It was the fact that she is someone that can jump into bed immediately with someone if you break up. I know people do that to "get over someone" but that's not the type of person I want to be with..GET IT??? If you really want to read the story of WHY we broke up, I found it! I didn't realize it was this forum as I had a different name back then but found it... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/478992-unsure-breaking-up

 

She did try calling me the Wednesday before last but I didn't answer. I've moved on and I'm completely over her and starting to date someone in the beginning stages of getting to know them and talking and building a foundation and not jumping into bed. How it SHOULD BE!

[Spectre]

Sorry you can't have your cake and eat it to. He dumped her - not the other way around. You can't expect her to be sitting around moping and waiting for him to take her back. You break up with someone you lose the right to control who they see and who they sleep with. No where in this thread does he indicate she cheated on him before the initial break up .... he said and I quote:

 

"The relationship was a little rocky although we stayed together. I left for a job in the states and she was planning on following. The rocky times continued via the phone so I decided that we should call it quits. "

 

So the story is - He moved to a different city ..... she was planning to follow .... things got rocky when they went LDR and he dumped her. Doesn't really sounds like she caused it at all.

 

He chose to dump her when things got bad. So that decision is completely on him. If your not mature enough to deal with the fact your ex may sleep with someone else if you dump them or that a future partner may have had sex with others before you then that's your issue. Hypocrites holding others to standards they don't hold themselves to are just annoying. As I said what she did when he got back together with her is a completely different story to above.

 

What nonsense. She wasn't cheating before? She was sending pics to other men and saying she missed them, etc. That is, at the very least, emotional cheating. Please, it is hilarious for people like you to come in here and cherry pick which parts to reply too. I notice you did not comment on those facts.

[Justanaverageguy]

Wow, just looking back at your post I see you are TOTALLY off the mark! Things didn't go rocky when we went LDR, they WERE rocky when I wasn't Long Distance! It just continued. Didn't sound like she caused it at all? SHE CAUSED IT ALL! Did you not read my story? I didn't say that "how could she sleep with someone else boo hoo" when we were broken up. It was the fact that she is someone that can jump into bed immediately with someone if you break up. I know people do that to "get over someone" but that's not the type of person I want to be with..GET IT??? If you really want to read the story of WHY we broke up, I found it! I didn't realize it was this forum as I had a different name back then but found it... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/478992-unsure-breaking-up

 

She did try calling me the Wednesday before last but I didn't answer. I've moved on and I'm completely over her and starting to date someone in the beginning stages of getting to know them and talking and building a foundation and not jumping into bed. How it SHOULD BE!

 

Hey man you've clearly taken my comment badly. I'm just giving my opinion on what you wrote. I clearly did not read the additional information you posted in a different thread .... under a different username ..... which was not referenced anywhere here. I commented on what you included in this thread only and quoted you directly from this thread. I also rechecked and you explicitly stated there was no cheating that you know of before you first ended the relationship.

 

I stated clearly that her messing around once you got back together was completely wrong. I simply said I think that it was unfair for you to be judging her on how she moved on after you had dumped her and were no longer together .... that's all.

 

In any case it sounds like you have moved on - so case closed. Hopefully find yourself a healthier and happier relationship

[Spectre]

In this very thread he said she was telling other dudes she missed them and sending them pictures while together, so..yeah.

[stillcold]

You made the right choice OP. Actions speak way louder than words and besides...who in their right mind wants to date a woman like that who can easily bang multiple men at once after she exclaims that she wants you to "father her children." You dodged a huge bullet OP, this breakup just showed her true colors. I'm happy for you my brother, time to find someone who deserves you. Good luck.

[jack20]

Hey man you've clearly taken my comment badly. I'm just giving my opinion on what you wrote. I clearly did not read the additional information you posted in a different thread .... under a different username ..... which was not referenced anywhere here. I commented on what you included in this thread only and quoted you directly from this thread. I also rechecked and you explicitly stated there was no cheating that you know of before you first ended the relationship.

 

I stated clearly that her messing around once you got back together was completely wrong. I simply said I think that it was unfair for you to be judging her on how she moved on after you had dumped her and were no longer together .... that's all.

 

In any case it sounds like you have moved on - so case closed. Hopefully find yourself a healthier and happier relationship

 

Sorry if I came across harshly. Yeah, I was mainly referring to the "things were rocky and we stayed together and continued to be rocky after I left". I didn't have the other thread at the time and didn't bother looking for it to reference in the beginning as I was trying to summarize but thought I put enough detail that explained enough to show that it wasn't one sided but the main thing was that she was communicating with others while saying she wants me to be the father of her children, wife, confidant, etc. Was mainly saying that "we had relationship problems when we were together and that continued when we were apart". So, it wasn't the fact that I left that caused the problems but we just had problems in general. I thought things would be different once we got back together but like always happens, people don't change and it just goes back to the same situation again that caused the breakup in the first place. This just had the additional relationship "cheat" of her reaching out to other men, both locally to her and abroad. Yes, I've moved on and thank you for your input and well wishes.

Edited October 28, 2014 by jack20

[jack20]

You made the right choice OP. Actions speak way louder than words and besides...who in their right mind wants to date a woman like that who can easily bang multiple men at once after she exclaims that she wants you to "father her children." You dodged a huge bullet OP, this breakup just showed her true colors. I'm happy for you my brother, time to find someone who deserves you. Good luck.

 

Thanks stillcold, actions do speak louder than words. Her words were sweet the day after the last breakup but I know that that's all they were, words. As much as I hate breakups, this was a very necessary end. Thanks for the well wishes and I have recently met someone and who is very nice. We are dating and getting to know one another.