OverIt75 Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 Hi all. I posted a couple of months ago for the first time, when I was struggling to end it with my AP...who also happens to be my boss. We had an emotional roller coaster of a relationship for the last 10 months. It's been officially over for about a month. We've tried to end it a few other times, but for several reasons, it's very different this time. We're done. I truly don't want to live like this anymore. I am married, two children...desperately trying to pull myself back to center, find my inner moral compass again. I can't believe what I got myself into. I am angry at him for pursuing me, and myself for being so weak. We were friends for many years before this. Just one year ago, everything was good. And then I stepped into this steaming pile of s**t. He is my boss. I work directly for him in a small company. What I'm struggling with now is figuring out this new world order in my job. We are acting 'normal', though I feel anything but. When things are good and pleasant, I miss him. When we have a tough day or he's upset about something, I take it personally and get either hurt or angry. And when he's gone from the office without explanation, I wonder what he's doing and feel jealous (I am not his first affair). I want so much to just go back to neutral...to not care what he does and where he goes and for his emotional highs and lows not to affect me. I notice that I am much better and more clear-minded when I've been away from him for a few days. I've read in many places that absolute no contact is a must to really get over an AP. Is that true, in your experience? Is it possible to get to neutral while still being around each other so much? The other thing I worry about is - my H still does not know about the A. I've received great advice on this board...some are proponents of telling, others aren't. For now, I'm not telling. That could change. But if one day he does find out or I decide to come clean, will it feel like even more of a betrayal to him that I continued to work for him after the A was over? I am scared I hate this. Link to post Share on other sites
lovinDKT3 Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 Hi all. I posted a couple of months ago for the first time, when I was struggling to end it with my AP...who also happens to be my boss. We had an emotional roller coaster of a relationship for the last 10 months. It's been officially over for about a month. We've tried to end it a few other times, but for several reasons, it's very different this time. We're done. I truly don't want to live like this anymore. I am married, two children...desperately trying to pull myself back to center, find my inner moral compass again. I can't believe what I got myself into. I am angry at him for pursuing me, and myself for being so weak. We were friends for many years before this. Just one year ago, everything was good. And then I stepped into this steaming pile of s**t. He is my boss. I work directly for him in a small company. What I'm struggling with now is figuring out this new world order in my job. We are acting 'normal', though I feel anything but. When things are good and pleasant, I miss him. When we have a tough day or he's upset about something, I take it personally and get either hurt or angry. And when he's gone from the office without explanation, I wonder what he's doing and feel jealous (I am not his first affair). I want so much to just go back to neutral...to not care what he does and where he goes and for his emotional highs and lows not to affect me. I notice that I am much better and more clear-minded when I've been away from him for a few days. I've read in many places that absolute no contact is a must to really get over an AP. Is that true, in your experience? Is it possible to get to neutral while still being around each other so much? The other thing I worry about is - my H still does not know about the A. I've received great advice on this board...some are proponents of telling, others aren't. For now, I'm not telling. That could change. But if one day he does find out or I decide to come clean, will it feel like even more of a betrayal to him that I continued to work for him after the A was over? I am scared I hate this. I just posted about this on another thread. That fear will damage you and your marriage over time. I don't think women that find ourselves in this position really understand this I know I didn't. You have to leave the job, if you don't you will find yourself right back in his bed. No excuses, find another job give notice and leave. As far as telling I have no advice there. I will tell you what my husband told me as I begged him to wait on the divorce "when you had the chance be be loyal and honest with me, you chose to be loyal to him by not telling me" I tried to explain I didn't tell for fear then he said "but you said you kept in contact until just months ago, your a proven liar how do I know you wasn't F**king him that entire time" Point is I had no ground to stand on, he had no trust in me at all. PS stay active here. When you get weak, and you will, it can help. I wondered how you've been. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OverIt75 Posted October 1, 2014 Author Share Posted October 1, 2014 LovinDKT3, you have no idea how much it helped me just to hear some kind words. Will post more later...thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 im all for telling your husband, but... it doesn't look like that's the direction you're heading. so, i suggest you leave your job ASAP before you get found out. then, after you've confessed or are found out later, you can say that you wanted to extricate yourself from said situation and truly wanted your marriage. just my $0.02 Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 I notice that I am much better and more clear-minded when I've been away from him for a few days. I've read in many places that absolute no contact is a must to really get over an AP. Is that true, in your experience? Is it possible to get to neutral while still being around each other so much? Really, it's a double-edged sword. My affair started in the workplace and when we were on our breaks, which admittedly wasn't long, it was torture to work with him and I think vice versa. It was hard to see him, hard to see his wife come in to see him, it was messy. It made the hurt of it much more painful and it also made us much more prone to breaking our break ups. Then, when I left and started doing my own thing, not seeing him at work was its own special torture too. Then thoughts become "I know he's at work now. It's safe for him to call, it's safe for him to text... I wonder if he will?" and then staring at the clock all day to see if he does. When the day is over and he didn't text, call, or reach out (even though we would be on a break and my rational mind knew it wouldn't/couldn't happen), it was more heartbreak. The thoughts of where is he? What is he doing? just get a lot harder to manage. I guess the best way to put it is that when I saw him at work, I knew he wasn't with his wife. When he wasn't, then the mind starts racing. What are they doing? Where are they going? Are they happy? Is he happy? Is this break/NC it this time? It's a slow form of psychological torture. So I guess one isn't easier than the other, just the hurt is a different kind of hurt. Overall though, if the goal is to move on, it really is the best step to take. The other thing I worry about is - my H still does not know about the A. I've received great advice on this board...some are proponents of telling, others aren't. For now, I'm not telling. That could change. But if one day he does find out or I decide to come clean, will it feel like even more of a betrayal to him that I continued to work for him after the A was over? I think it's safe to say that under most circumstances a BS would view not leaving a job and continuing contact, even if it is only professional contact, as not a full termination of the affair or the feelings with it. Besides, it'd be hard to trust that there was nothing going on anymore. I'd certainly say some would be hurt by this and I don't think unreasonably. If you want a shot at rebuilding, even if it is hard, I'd say finding a new job may be best in the long term, though short term I'm sure it'll hurt like fire. I am scared I hate this. I'm so sorry. Really, it does get better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OverIt75 Posted October 2, 2014 Author Share Posted October 2, 2014 First, thank you all for your responses. It helps just to know someone is out there, somebody understands. So I mentioned before that we had tried to break it off several times, but it didn't last. It was always pretty much him initiating it and me agreeing. Honestly the breaking up started months ago, but it started getting more serious maybe since August. Supposedly he is in marriage counseling with his wife, though in his mind, it's just one hurdle to get past in order to divorce. I also mentioned that I am not his first affair. He broke it off with another OW when we started up. He told me and was seemingly transparent. I looked past it in the fog. Over the months I've always had this funny feeling about him going back to his exOW. I think it was an easy, low-maintenance relationship. I, on the other hand, was not so easy. We had a couple of conversations about it and he always denied. Being my boss in a small company, it's pretty difficult to hide from each other. He was mysteriously out of the office a couple of days and noticeably did NOT explain himself. He had told me how and where he used to meet up with exOW. I found out today that that's where he was. I do not have hard evidence...but LOTS of circumstantial and gut feelings. I have no illusions - he's not cheating on me. But apparently I just needed more evidence (why????) that he is a LYING LIAR and a truly f'd up person. It is so disheartening to know that I put myself in the same category. I assume we'll have some sort of talk tomorrow. He's been very good at making me feel insecure and jealous and like I am overreacting. Those days are over. This was probably just the kick in the pants I needed to pull the trigger. Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 (edited) I assume we'll have some sort of talk tomorrow. Why? What is so important to have a talk with him? Don't do that, just keep on the NC/LC, don't even go near him if what you want is to end it Edited October 2, 2014 by A.Moscote Link to post Share on other sites
Author OverIt75 Posted October 2, 2014 Author Share Posted October 2, 2014 I have to do a client meeting with him this morning. Ugh. Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 Do your best OverIt75, this is the chance to prove yourself that you can overcome your own feelings and emotions. Be calm and confident about it, at least just fake it for now and act so. I think it would be great if you can totally dismiss any personal talk about the affair. As you said, those days of insecurity, jealousy, and overreacting are over. So that is what you should always remind yourself of. If you can't make it through and get past this issue, then sadly I think you probably would have tapered off the chance of saving your marriage. So give your best today. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Wambo Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 Why? What is so important to have a talk with him? Don't do that, just keep on the NC/LC, don't even go near him if what you want is to end it I sorry to deliver bad news, but in my opinion achieving NC in a work environment is not achievable. Even if both parties are no longer talking to each other, they still bump into each other, see each other and pay some interest in other daily lifes. To go full NC then they have to be out of their lifes for good and that mean not working in the same building/floor and this remove any lingering temptation. So the only way to properly heal is to leave your job. Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 I sorry to deliver bad news, but in my opinion achieving NC in a work environment is not achievable. Even if both parties are no longer talking to each other, they still bump into each other, see each other and pay some interest in other daily lifes. To go full NC then they have to be out of their lifes for good and that mean not working in the same building/floor and this remove any lingering temptation. So the only way to properly heal is to leave your job. I disagree. It depends on the environment and if the people really don't want anything to do with one another. In a large company it can work. They may still see eachother in the halls but if they don't have business together it's very possible, like in different departments. However if the AP is your boss this would be so much harder. It's just so hard to have people walk away from jobs because of their screw up. Workplace romance of any kind is a bad idea. As for a BS being ok with staying in a job after an A occurs there, I am. If he doesn't actually want R and wants to cheat again, he can do it whether she's in the same building or not. There's lots of ways to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 Overit, I'm pulling for you to get yourself out of this situation. You have to start with honesty. Do you really want it over? I don't think you do, because your focused on is he or isn't he banging his exOW. That has nothing to do with you getting out. Secondly you know you can't continue to work there, any reason you come up with is just an excuse to stay engaged. What do you really want? If its the OM then why stay with your husband? If its your husband then why continue to risk it? You can't have both, but if you continue down this path you won't have either. OM isn't leaving his wife and seems to be some what of a playboy, your husband will have a horrible time ever trusting you when he finds out, along with the great odd that he will simply walk away from the marriage (most men do). You can't keep rolling the dice. Everyone here know if you stay there you WILL continue to be his on call lover. Everything is on his terms and your going along. In the end not much will change and you will be the one to lose EVERYTHING. Your husband, your job, your reputation. And for what? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 I disagree. It depends on the environment and if the people really don't want anything to do with one another. In a large company it can work. They may still see eachother in the halls but if they don't have business together it's very possible, like in different departments. However if the AP is your boss this would be so much harder. It's just so hard to have people walk away from jobs because of their screw up. Workplace romance of any kind is a bad idea. As for a BS being ok with staying in a job after an A occurs there, I am. If he doesn't actually want R and wants to cheat again, he can do it whether she's in the same building or not. There's lots of ways to do it. You make a great point in general. However OP works closely with AP and can't avoid contact. She says its a small company. The dynamics of this affair makes it a must that she leave. He pushes and pulls her at will, she has given up all her power to choose. If he wants her he has her, when he doesn't she has to go along. She is totally powerless. Well she isn't, but she isn't willing to tell him to F off and grab back her power. She has to go, and when it becomes known he will toss her under the bus and she will lose her job anyways. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 But if one day he does find out or I decide to come clean, will it feel like even more of a betrayal to him that I continued to work for him after the A was over? I think he'll see the situation in it's entirety as a betrayal, if he does find out. It will be very difficult to convince him that the A stopped at a specific time, then you continued working together without continuing the A. He'll just assume it was still going on, or is still going on if you're still there when he finds out. It's going to be a very hard sell without concrete proof that it was indeed over. Link to post Share on other sites
onemanband Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 Left other women and started dating you smh....... Wow Link to post Share on other sites
onemanband Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 How can a cheater cheat on a cheater that is being cheated on sounds crazy and why should it matter if he is y do u need proof give the proof to your husband Link to post Share on other sites
Wambo Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 I disagree. It depends on the environment and if the people really don't want anything to do with one another. In a large company it can work. They may still see eachother in the halls but if they don't have business together it's very possible, like in different departments. However if the AP is your boss this would be so much harder. It's just so hard to have people walk away from jobs because of their screw up. Workplace romance of any kind is a bad idea. As for a BS being ok with staying in a job after an A occurs there, I am. If he doesn't actually want R and wants to cheat again, he can do it whether she's in the same building or not. There's lots of ways to do it. In my situation both my exAP and I work on different departments. We hardly bump into each other but when we do things becomes akward and tense. So yeah I agree both parties need to accept and wants it to be over for things to recover faster. Link to post Share on other sites
onemanband Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 I also mentioned that I am not his first affair. He broke it off with another OW when we started up. He told me and was seemingly transparent. I looked past it in the fog. This is a strange situation how can he be transparent? And why would it matter All he would have to do is let u see what he wants u to see Link to post Share on other sites
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