C00kie Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 (edited) Hi. I've been posting here for the last year and a half. After a two year affair and too much heartache and pain, I broke up with him 7 months ago. Blocking him is really not an option, for a number of reasons. He kept contacting me, with "sweet nothings" that only validated my decision to break up with him. His life remains the same. Still married. Still playing happy families. Nevetheless, contacting me and, apparently, getting desperate that I haven't responded to his attempts. His messages are along the lines of "nothing goes right since you went away", "I'm still suffering", "I miss us","i wish I could call you", ", i dreamt about you tonight", "how is your family", and lately he heard from mutual friends I have gone on vacation abroad (my previous vacation have always been spent with him) and promptly asked me "how was your vacation" (when I never had the right to know when and if he was taking a holiday with his wife - he lied about that to me several times - and back then we were "together"). Basically, we very long distance so at the most he's trying to mantain the emotional connection. But I can't get him to stop. It's getting pathetic. And even worse - this sets me back; not in the sense that I would ever go back to him, but because this is bothering me. I keep thinking ignoring him will make him go away eventually. I am seriously disgusted at the whole affair situation. Time and distance do help see clearer. Help me not feel guilty for not replying to him. I keep reminding myself he's only communicating when she isn't home, that he has changed nothing, that he still sleeps with her, and that basically he is so selfish for all the pain he put me through and still wanting to reach out as if nothing had happened. Not even apologising. Not even wondering that maybe I have suffered so much and deserve to be left alone and move on. He made his choice, but he doesn't want to live with the consequences. He wants it all just like he always has had. He always got away with everything. Since he decided to stay married, for a number of chicken coward reasons, then he can keep his marriage - but not me. Help me not feel guilty about not replying him. I always like to be nice and polite but I feel the more I talk to him, the more he'll try to suck me back in. That's why I haven't responded...but he still insists. It's been almost 8 months! Last message was "how is your family?". Please help me not feel like I am mean for not replying. I was feel guilty for everything...well he never did and he did such hurtful things to me. Thoughts are welcome. Thank you. Edited October 1, 2014 by C00kie 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bootsie Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 Hi. I've been posting here for the last year and a half. After a two year affair and too much heartache and pain, I broke up with him 7 months ago. Blocking him is really not an option, for a number of reasons. He kept contacting me, with "sweet nothings" that only validated my decision to break up with him. His life remains the same. Still married. Still playing happy families. Nevetheless, contacting me and, apparently, getting desperate that I haven't responded to his attempts. His messages are along the lines of "nothing goes right since you went away", "I'm still suffering", "I miss us","i wish I could call you", ", i dreamt about you tonight", "how is your family", and lately he heard from mutual friends I have gone on vacation abroad (my previous vacation have always been spent with him) and promptly asked me "how was your vacation" (when I never had the right to know when and if he was taking a holiday with his wife - he lied about that to me several times - and back then we were "together"). Basically, we very long distance so at the most he's trying to mantain the emotional connection. But I can't get him to stop. It's getting pathetic. And even worse - this sets me back; not in the sense that I would ever go back to him, but because this is bothering me. I keep thinking ignoring him will make him go away eventually. I am seriously disgusted at the whole affair situation. Time and distance do help see clearer. Help me not feel guilty for not replying to him. I keep reminding myself he's only communicating when she isn't home, that he has changed nothing, that he still sleeps with her, and that basically he is so selfish for all the pain he put me through and still wanting to reach out as if nothing had happened. Not even apologising. Not even wondering that maybe I have suffered so much and deserve to be left alone and move on. He made his choice, but he doesn't want to live with the consequences. He wants it all just like he always has had. He always got away with everything. Since he decided to stay married, for a number of chicken coward reasons, then he can keep his marriage - but not me. Help me not feel guilty about not replying him. I always like to be nice and polite but I feel the more I talk to him, the more he'll try to suck me back in. That's why I haven't responded...but he still insists. It's been almost 8 months! Last message was "how is your family?". Please help me not feel like I am mean for not replying. I was feel guilty for everything...well he never did and he did such hurtful things to me. Thoughts are welcome. Thank you. Sorry this is so painful for you. If I were you, I'd give him a blast, tell him of all the hurt he'd caused you and say if he ever, ever contacts you again you will be passing on all communications to his wife and anybody else you feel needs to know. Eg his older children, parents, siblings, in-laws, bosses (if it was a work thing) etc. Sounds mean I know, but would probably work... Link to post Share on other sites
Author C00kie Posted October 1, 2014 Author Share Posted October 1, 2014 Sorry this is so painful for you. If I were you, I'd give him a blast, tell him of all the hurt he'd caused you and say if he ever, ever contacts you again you will be passing on all communications to his wife and anybody else you feel needs to know. Eg his older children, parents, siblings, in-laws, bosses (if it was a work thing) etc. Sounds mean I know, but would probably work... Thank you Bootsie. I have actually considered this - not the telling the wife part, but writing him saying exactly what I feel and what's on my mind. He definitely deserves to get a piece of my mind, but I don't think I want to do that - not to spare him, but to spare myself. It would be draining for me to even to that and it could generate an out of proportion reaction and he would only say even more hurtful things to me, which would then make me want to answer him back etc etc. I have told him everything I think while we were still together and when we broke up. Anything other than that looks like a waste of time. I'm just hoping he'll give up...and I can live with this, I just wish I didn't have to feel so guilty or unpolite for not writing him back (when he's done things a million times worse!!). And I do wish he walked away. Link to post Share on other sites
GettingOver Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 You should not feel guilty at all. You should feel proud of yourself that you moved on and do not want him anymore, that you were standing strong all this time. If it helps - I am proud of you! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author C00kie Posted October 1, 2014 Author Share Posted October 1, 2014 Thank you so much Link to post Share on other sites
Author C00kie Posted October 1, 2014 Author Share Posted October 1, 2014 (edited) I don't want thim to come saying "I was going to divorce, if only you hadn't stopped talking to me...". But I know it's all bull...specially because he never approached me with a proper conversation. And even if he did separate, I wouldn't want him anymore. i've seen his true colours now. But still I don't want his nice/victim act to move me. So I just hope to get some reassurance that not replying really is the right thing! Edited October 1, 2014 by C00kie Link to post Share on other sites
HBIC Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 Hi C00kie, it IS perfectly OK not to respond. In fact, no response whatsoever is the best way to deal with a persistent exMM. I broke things off with my exMM and told his W. Since he and I interact professionally on occasion, I communicated very clear boundaries for our interactions post-A. The result? ExMM still tries to worm his way back in and get the A back on. He says "sweet little things" too. I have realized that exMM does not know what a boundary is and, therefore, cannot respect them. I cannot control him, nor do I want to expend my precious energy giving a damn about what he does, so I just ignore him and carry on with my day. ExMMs (both yours and mine) say/do these things to manipulate us just like they did during the A. They know we are kind and sweet and that not responding to a seemingly friendly communication feels wrong to us. DON'T let that suck you back in. DON'T be manipulated. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. ExMM that try these tactics are pathetic souls that are throwing crumbs in hopes of an ego stroke. Let him go stroke himself. Remember that any response, good OR bad, is going to give your exMM an ego stroke. He is like the childhood bully on the playground going around trying to get a rise out of the weak and defenseless for his jollies. Your exMM may have grown up, but emotionally he hasn't. What is the best way to get a bully to grow bored with you? Ignore him! Don't give him the satisfaction of letting him know you spent .1 seconds on him. You are not a weak and defenseless little girl on a playground. You are a strong woman! He is addicted to the thrill of getting a response from you. Don't give it to him. There's another poster on here, Goodbye, who also deals with an exMM that won't give up. Nothing stops her exMM from intruding, nothing stops mine, and nothing may stop yours. Just focus on your actions. You can't control anyone else. (hugs) I encourage you to examine your reasons for not blocking him. Look deep within yourself and ask those you trust to advise you. Why does your exMM need to be able to text you? Seriously? You are ALLOWING him to tug on the marionette string. Are you addicted to him? Cut the cord. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 What are the reasons you can not block him? You need to make sure you are not giving him the in by not blocking him because it gives you validation. This could impede your healing. If he continues to contact you, I would tell him his intrusions make you want to tell his wife. Simple, quick text and then do not reply again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 Sorry this is so painful for you. If I were you, I'd give him a blast, tell him of all the hurt he'd caused you and say if he ever, ever contacts you again you will be passing on all communications to his wife and anybody else you feel needs to know. Eg his older children, parents, siblings, in-laws, bosses (if it was a work thing) etc. Sounds mean I know, but would probably work... Do not EVER tell someone to involve children in an affair situation!! They are not adults and do not have the life experience to handle it. No therapist worth their salt would recommend telling a child. Not to mention if you threaten to tell someone's kids you don't know what he may do to protect them. He could hurt her rather than let her tell his kids. What a ridiculous thing to say. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 There is no reason for you to feel guilty. You gave him two years and he couldn't give you what you needed so you ended it. Don't reply back. Just keep ignoring him. Don't read the messages just delete them if you can not block him. You were right to end things and he has to accept that. I wouldn't feel mean or guilty, I would be pissed that he won't go away. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 There is no reason for you to feel guilty. You gave him two years and he couldn't give you what you needed so you ended it. Don't reply back. Just keep ignoring him. Don't read the messages just delete them if you can not block him. You were right to end things and he has to accept that. I wouldn't feel mean or guilty, I would be pissed that he won't go away. I agree with this. Do not feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You have the right to be happy and if he can't/wont give you what you need, you have the right to walk. Remember you are doing what is best for you and that is how it should be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 Cookie, there was a reason this MM was able to lure you into an A with him. MM know which women to pursue for an A. They know women who will fall for their lies and they seek them out because they know they will keep their "secret" and give them the s*x on the side and ego strokes that their fragile egos crave. He knows that he can continue to violate you and disrespect you and you won't tell a soul. He knows you will keep his secret from his W and he can tell you as many lies as he needs to making you think that he is telling you the truth because he knows that you have lost your way and you are vulnerable to him. MM don't even try to approach strong, confident women who they know won't fall for their lies and cr@p. Just one look tells a MM to keep it moving if he even looks like he is looking for prey. Believe me I know! I work in a field where I am surrounded by MM and when one tries to hang around me or make any kind of unprofessional innuendo I give them that look that says back off! You can't get him to stop because for two years you allowed him to manipulate you. If you really want him to stop, take a stand and tell him if he contacts you again you will let his wife know how much he loves you and how he keeps contacting you even after you have asked him to stop. He isn't a coward because he didn't leave his marriage. He is a coward because he can't make a decision to be honest with the women in his life. When you are really ready for him to stop, you will go through extreme measures to make him stop. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 Why are you choosing to read his messages? Why not just delete them instead of reading it? Since you say you can't block him and won't change your number, your only option is to just not read the messages. He doesn't care about you or your feelings. Fact is, he is using you as an ego feed, he's treated you like shi.t and the A is over, yet when he writes, you reply! Imagine the power he feels he has over you! After all the pain he's caused, you still reply to him. Get mad and be pro active, stop replying!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 Sorry this is so painful for you. If I were you, I'd give him a blast, tell him of all the hurt he'd caused you and say if he ever, ever contacts you again you will be passing on all communications to his wife and anybody else you feel needs to know. Eg his older children, parents, siblings, in-laws, bosses (if it was a work thing) etc. Sounds mean I know, but would probably work... That isn't her place to go around outing exMM to everybody, especially his kids! His wife, possibly but the rest? no way. She'll be made out to be a crazy stalker. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 Thank you Bootsie. I have actually considered this - not the telling the wife part, but writing him saying exactly what I feel and what's on my mind. He definitely deserves to get a piece of my mind, but I don't think I want to do that - not to spare him, but to spare myself. It would be draining for me to even to that and it could generate an out of proportion reaction and he would only say even more hurtful things to me, which would then make me want to answer him back etc etc. I have told him everything I think while we were still together and when we broke up. Anything other than that looks like a waste of time. I'm just hoping he'll give up...and I can live with this, I just wish I didn't have to feel so guilty or unpolite for not writing him back (when he's done things a million times worse!!). And I do wish he walked away. Don't bother wasting your effort and energy on telling him how you feel. He doesn't care. If he truly cared about you, he'd leave you alone and respect NC. The guilt is unnecessary. You are giving someone who isn't even in your life anymore that much power over your emotions and moods. You owe him NOTHING and if you need to tell him to F-OFF, do so. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author C00kie Posted October 1, 2014 Author Share Posted October 1, 2014 I have realized that exMM does not know what a boundary is and, therefore, cannot respect them. I cannot control him, nor do I want to expend my precious energy giving a damn about what he does, so I just ignore him and carry on with my day. ExMMs (both yours and mine) say/do these things to manipulate us just like they did during the A. They know we are kind and sweet and that not responding to a seemingly friendly communication feels wrong to us. DON'T let that suck you back in. DON'T be manipulated. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. HBIC, thanks so much for your advice. You totally got me and know where I'm coming from. Thanks for reassuring I'm doing the right thing and reminding me why I need to stay NC. For me, it is exactly like this: not responding to a seemingly friend communication like "how's your family?" feels wrong to me, because I would never ever normally do this to anyone. But I must protect myself and therefore I am staying No Contact. Thanks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author C00kie Posted October 1, 2014 Author Share Posted October 1, 2014 After all the pain he's caused, you still reply to him. Get mad and be pro active, stop replying!! I don't reply, but he still tries and I wish he'd stop. Link to post Share on other sites
Author C00kie Posted October 1, 2014 Author Share Posted October 1, 2014 Don't bother wasting your effort and energy on telling him how you feel. He doesn't care. If he truly cared about you, he'd leave you alone and respect NC. The guilt is unnecessary. You are giving someone who isn't even in your life anymore that much power over your emotions and moods. You owe him NOTHING and if you need to tell him to F-OFF, do so. You are right - I've always felt guilty about pretty much everything (not only with him, but in general life) - I think this was one of the reasons I got into the affair. He would say how bad I would make him feel him everytime I turned him down or made accusations. He'd say "oh I can't believe you're telling me that" and would play the victim and I would feel awful - and so I always went back to make it right and sinked deeper and deeper. Looking back, everything looks so clear...and creepy. I can't believe I did this, and fell for this bull. I do think it's time to focus more on myself and let guilt go. Because so far, guilt (for stuff I don't even have to feel guilty about) got me nowhere and only benefited other people - not me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 Do not feel guilt. Feel anger. Anger over his utter disrespect of your feelings. I am assuming you told him it was over, so he is also disrespecting your ChOICE which was to end it. Be angry, but do not feel guilt. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
OWAmy Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 You are doing really well. Good for you! I would go wild if xMM contacted me in any capacity. It shows a complete lack of respect for you. My xMM said he would always genuinely want me to be the happiest that I could be. And you know what - I believe him. To me he has proved it by zero contact since I initiated NC. If you can't block him I would be tempted to send him a couple of lines next time. DO NOT F*@£$^G CONTACT ME AGAIN. MY PHONE WONT BLOCK BECAUSE OF XYZ. It would probably have an impact, after all in affair world, the other woman is always so lovely to MM that you'd probably break his heart by using such language ;-) Yeah get angry, but don't stay angry - he aint worth it! Link to post Share on other sites
HBIC Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 HBIC, thanks so much for your advice. You totally got me and know where I'm coming from. Thanks for reassuring I'm doing the right thing and reminding me why I need to stay NC. For me, it is exactly like this: not responding to a seemingly friend communication like "how's your family?" feels wrong to me, because I would never ever normally do this to anyone. But I must protect myself and therefore I am staying No Contact. Thanks. You are welcome! Believe me, these MM/exMM a@@clowns can sometimes play us like a fiddle for their ecstatic enjoyment. They KNOW a kind person would always respond to a very sweet message. If we don't, aren't we horrible banshee demon women from the depths of hell? It is all part of the merry-go-round of sick, sick, twisted, gaslighting abuse that MM/exMM delight in. We are always at fault, we are always the crazy ones, we are always the unreasonable ones, we always deserve their mistreatment, hot/cold behavior, disrespect of our boundaries. BULLS**T. They twist reality until we are broken down and miserable and give up on ever even trying to stick up for ourselves. Again, I recommend you ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore. You owe him NOTHING. And he deserves NOTHING. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 I don't reply, but he still tries and I wish he'd stop. Delete his messages from now on. No good can come of reading them. Think about switching phone companies, that way you can block him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author C00kie Posted October 2, 2014 Author Share Posted October 2, 2014 I want to thank everyone for their kind and very helpful responses. You're all right - he deserves nothing and I will just ignore, ignore, ignore, go on with my life and take no more of his bull***, not now, not ever again. It's been almost 8 months and life's better now. And just 12 months ago it was simply exhasperating. Better now. Thank you! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 c00kie, you said, Blocking him is really not an option, for a number of reasons. why not ???? Link to post Share on other sites
HBIC Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 Blocking him is really not an option, for a number of reasons. Hmmm. My best guesses as to why she won't block him (or switch carriers so she can block him): 1. Cookie likes the ego stroke of exMM's texts. The A might be over but the addiction isn't because these "sweet little nothings" do get to Cookie's heart and give her that FALSE feeling of being loved/cared for. (Sorry Cookie, it's not love, just the fantasy world of exMM. You are not the only one getting those texts. They function like baited hooks waiting for a nibble.) 2. There is some very thin pretense of a reason why exMM absolutely HAS to be able to text her (work-related? social circle-related?, sorry, Cookie, I don't know how you know your exMM) which is total BS so Cookie can not admit point 1 above to herself. Please put your big girl panties on and block this guy. He serves no purpose in your life other than to prevent you from healing. If your phone company doesn't have a blocking service, switch companies. You'll be glad you did. Just think, you could be spending time doing something you love instead of asking folks on LS if it is OK to not respond to some a@@clown. Be the architect of a joyful, happy life for yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
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