Walking Away With The Clothes On My Back

[Monodare1]

Hi Guys

 

I've finally reached the point where the STBXW and I will have sold the house, now seeking thoughts

 

I'm not in a fantastically paid job, while I had moved out of the house I owned with the ex, I still had to pay my half of the mortgage and some of the bills/debts etc. It got to the point where I was really struggling financially.

 

The stbxw's Mother moved into my house with the stbxw and she offered to pay my half of the mortgage as a sort of "rent".

 

At the time I was financially desperate and agreed. The stbxw's mother stayed there for 10 months and during that period the stbxw met her "new boyfriend".

Fastforwarding to a few months ago, when the stbxw and I were discussing the profit of the house post sale, I told her I wanted my half. She then told me she had spoken to her lawyer and that due to the 10 months I wasn't paying my half of the mortgage (her mother and I didn't sign any paperwork) and the fact that some work was needed done to the house to make it sellable, her lawyer would chase me for an equivalent amount of my half of the profit.

 

Due to my wage not being spectacular, but manageable, I was caught in the situation of not being able to afford a lawyer due to marital debts, but not being able to qualify for legal aid.

 

So the stbxw gave me the carrot and the stick. once the stbxw's mother moved out, I was going to have to start paying my half of the mortgage again, so the stbxw suggested that could go on not paying my hald, with her covering it with the proviso that once the sale goes through, she would get the full profit from the sale which would contribute to the sale of a new house, ensuring my little 3 year old boy has a rood over his head.

 

I agreed to this, thinking firstly of my little boy and secondly about my current financial state (although I'm working towards a pay rise as I work in sales and the more profit I make, the more likely a pay rise will be)

 

This all means that after 5 years of marriage, I'm essentially walking away with nothing, other than the clothes on my back, while the stbxw is able to get a deposit to buy a house using the total profit of the sale, making sure my son has a roof over his head but also moving her boyfriend in to that said house.

 

My question is, have I done the right thing? Essentially walking away from the lot financially speaking so I can have a fresh start without a financial connection to the stbxw and preventing things turning nasty (which would have probably affected my visitation situation with my son)

 

Or should I have fought her, regardless of the legal costs to me that could have been incurred?

 

I just feel mentally torn about the situation.

[preraph]

Well, I know it's always a good idea to have an attorney, but I know if your assets are small, you don't come out ahead on it. But don't ever forget that if you need to settle things in Court, a judge can make sure you don't get completely fleeced.

 

Have you already tried to find an attorney? If the house is worth much, he can take a percentage of that and with a lawyer, they are much more likely to give you something because it's very unusual one person gets it all. So at least call some family law offices and do a consultation over the phone. They will tell you what's practical in this instance. And if one wants to charge, hang up and call another one. I've gotten free attorney advice over the phone any number of times.

[frankle]

And I thought I had problems!

 

I don't know much, but whatever the situation is, you need to seek legal advice..I know it's an obvious reply, but it's the only real one.

 

Forget about the decisions you made under duress. Your wife may come back at you with the fact you have legally signed everything over. That can easily be overturned in court given your state of mind at the time.

 

More worrying than a pile of bricks and glass and a mother in law is you...you need to stop and think about you! The truest saying I know is...You can't look after others, if you don't look after yourself! And your son!

 

Get to your GP. It will help in any pending court case. Get some help and start the process of 'your' recovery. I'm getting a feeling from your thread that your overly worried, to the point of anxiety, confused about your future, maybe someone in a similar situation would be eating little, sleeping badly and in cases self medicating. Your trying to sort out a tricky situation whilst not functioning very well. Don't look, as you are at this great big problem and swing at it helplessly...it's actually a nest of smaller problems, and the first one is you. Suck it in book an appointment, and settle your self down, seek advice legally and here and move forward one step at a time. Be prepared not to get the outcome you would like, but be assured it will be resolved, in time and that's something that's free and we have a lot of!

 

I apologise if I seem blunt, but if you were a friend in my kitchen drinking coffee...that would be my advice!

 

Feel for you fella!

Edited October 1, 2014 by frankle

[jakrbbt]

You very likely did the right thing, at least regarding your finances. I'd have to know more facts to determine whether I think that you made some mistake regarding custody/parenting time.

 

Look at it this way: Are you happy with (basically) the clothes on your back? Yes, you walked away from some possible money but 1) you also walked away from some immediate debt and 2) you left the house for your son to benefit from as well as his mother.

 

So can you sustain your future on your future earnings? Your job-- will it get you where you need to be, take care of your own expenses, build up a nest egg maybe?

 

If so, then you decided to take what you knew you could live with, in exchange for avoiding a hellish divorce battle. Good for you. Lots of people can't figure out when to settle because they see only what they could get, should get, and only what the other person did get, shouldn't have gotten. They forget to factor in the value of peace. Of not having a conflict. Of finishing and moving on. You apparently could afford to buy that peace early, because you have a job.

 

Don't regret it based on what you might have gotten instead, or based on the unfairness of your ex getting something she was not entitled to. Think only whether you walked away with something you could be happy with, and count yourself fortunate that you didn't have to fight the hard battle to win more winnings like some people who don't know how else they are going to get by.

 

However, don't settle so quickly with the child custody/visitation-- that one, you'll want to make sure there's an agreement in place that is good for the child and that you can live with.

 

Good luck, rest easy.

[Ronni_W]

Monodare,

do you have a realistic idea of the "total profit of the house sale"? Now, divide that by two. Now deduct YOUR SHARE of the mortgage + house expenses (half the total mortgage + property taxes + utilities) for the ten-plus-however-many-months you should have been paying. Is it still in black figures? If so, now deduct YOUR SHARE (half) of the reasonable costs to make the house salable. Now deduct 100% of YOUR legal fees. Still in black figures? -- that's approximately the amount you would have ended up with, after lawyer's, if you had gotten an attorney involved in the first place, about the house.

 

You need to also make allowances for savings, investments, pension funds, things like that. Who would owe alimony to whom? Child support? Future education and health care for the children? But, if you do the first, most basic set of numbers and it comes out red...then you most definitely did not screw yourself, financially, about the house. Maybe some furniture and knives and forks. Pictures on the walls. But...how much is that worth, versus peace of mind?

Edited October 2, 2014 by Ronni_W

[Monodare1]

Hi, should have added, that I negotiated with the stbxw regards a joint separation agreement flexible access to my son which will enable me to see him every weekend, making allowances for social events etc from both of us.

 

I really didn't want to get involved in a bitter protracted legal battle as that definitely would have negatively affected my visitation situation with my son.

 

I have a friend who had gone through the same and despite mediation with his ex wife, he still hasn't seen his kids for at least 7 months and that's with lawyers involved.

 

I'm walking away from financial gain while being able to maintain a favourable contact situation with regards to my son.

 

I just feel, if u pardon the expression that I really have been shafted financially and that the ex and her new boyfriend are gaining from this.

 

That fact fills me with rage.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have a friend who had gone through the same and despite mediation with his ex wife, he still hasn't seen his kids for at least 7 months and that's with lawyers involved.

 

I'm walking away from financial gain while being able to maintain a favourable contact situation with regards to my son.

 

I just feel, if u pardon the expression that I really have been shafted financially and that the ex and her new boyfriend are gaining from this.

 

That fact fills me with rage.

 

It OK to be angry.

 

Having done something similar housing-wise in my divorce, I think you did the right thing. I looked at it as my son's house, not my ex-wifes. And while I knew she would sell it, I took comfort in the fact that the proceeds would provide for a nice place for my son. That she lived there also was simply a peripheral matter.

 

Want to get even? Get back on your feet financially and get a similarly nice place for yourself. Have the means to support your son and do fun things with him. I did so and have to admit, it felt great! Live well, that's the best revenge...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Monodare1]

I've been told that if I get and exceed targets at work over the next few months, I may be in line for a wage increase which would allow me to be able to afford a place of my own, so I'm focusing on that and focusing in pushing through with the divorce process

[lil hoodlum]

You should completely ignore my advice, but I feel that if you have to pay half of the mortgage, you should move back in. See how that suits the stbxw.