Falling for Sister in Law

[Soul59]

This whole situation is just so complicated and in depth I will do my best to shorten.

Basically, my fiance (we have a baby together) and I have been together for 4 years. It was a whirlwind, she got pregnant early, we were young and have been through a lot. She suffers from mental health illness which makes life incredibly tough and I feel mostly like a doormat in this whole thing. Belive me or dont, i give my fiance the world and 9 times out of 10 im not rewarded for this at all. Atleast by my fiance. She seems oblivious to all i've done for her over the years and I really cannot stress enough how much i've done for her. I'm not appreciated and dont think I ever will be, that was a choice I made when taking all the crap from her when she was terribly ill and I accepted this was just how things were and I have to devote everything to my fiance. But bit by bit, it has been eating away at me. So her sister is older than us, she also has a child and the father is not around. We all see eachother regularly and have done for the entire relationship as we live close.

I've always had a fancy of her sister since i first met her. That was just initial physical attraction. But bit by bit, this has turned into something else. I feel genuine love for her now. Look, i'm not sitting here calling myself something special, but growing up I really was a bit of a ladies man and I know when a woman is interested etc.

The older sister is more than interested. All the signs are there that she seems to want me. And none of this is expressed in a physical attraction kind of way, so we arent just sitting there wanting to jump on eachother. This seems to be genuinly strong feelings from both sides.

 

So recently we were watching the kids together at mine while my fiance was away for a few days and it was great. We were just laughing and talking and all was so good. But then it went flat. We were sitting on the sofa, talking, watching tv etc and it just went quiet. I could feel it and so could the older sister, we both clearly wanted eachother, to say more to eachother, but neither of us could overstep that and do that to my fiance.

 

I just want advise. What on earth am I supposed to do? I cant stop these feelings for the sister. She wants me also, this isnt denial, I know how she feels. Problem is this just cannot happen. But I'm finding it so hard to keep this all together. I'm with someone i resent for mentally and emotionally abusing me for so long, that I have a family with, that i dont want to lose deep down. But Its just driving me insane, Im thinking about the sister who I feel is better for me, I know it cannot happen though. We both become like little kids on their first date before they kiss for the first time each time we are alone together. Neither willing to step over the line, neither know how to deal with this.

[PegNosePete]

Look if your relationship with your fiance is not working for you, and you want out, then you should get out of it. Don't go jumping in bed with ehr sister before ending that relationship, OK? How low class is that? It's the kind of thing that you see in Jerry Springer. Don't be that guy.

 

Now after you've ended your relationship with your fiance, what are you going to do next? Go after her sister? Do you think this is a good idea? How would you feel if the roles were reversed: if your fiance ended her relationship with you, and started one with your brother?

 

Dude this is some seriously messed up stuff. Just steer clear of the whole thing. Do not date your ex's sister. It's juts got BAD IDEA written all over it.

[dragon_fly_7]

You should end your engagement and then you can seek another woman. Out of the many women in your entire area, why even think about going after her sister???

 

It doesn't matter how interesting nor cute she can be. That's a dangerous zone you don't even think of stopping by.

[Spectre]

Umm dude..why would you even want a woman who develops feelings for her sisters fiance? Are you just super turned on by utter betrayal and trashiness?

[bubbaganoosh]

If you think things are bad now, then go ahead and start messing with her sister and see what happens. This will have a ripple effect through your fiance and sisters entire family and cause more trouble then it's worth and because of that, you and sister in law will never really be happy.

[stillafool]

I would suggest you break up with your fiance because I don't think you really love her anymore. Please don't make this worse by marrying her. You can still support your kids and have time with them. If she is mentally unstable maybe you can get custody of the kids. You need to get out and away from that family before you make a horrible choice by having an affair with your fiances sister. It's not worth it. There are too, too many women out there to date rather than your fiances sister.

[Dork Vader]

No matter how badly your fiance treats you, nothing will ever justify cheating. Nothing will ever justify cheating, leaving her for or having any type of physical/romantic relationship with her sister.

 

I highly doubt the sister in law feels the same way. If she does, there is a slim chance she'll act on it. She is likely just being friendly and loving to you because you are family! I've seen so many men take friendlyness as the woman showing interest.

 

That said even if she does like you and is willing to try it. Here is what will happen, she will be disowned by her family. You will not be welcome as a part of their family. She'll eventually regret it and you two will likely end up divorced.

 

If the sister in law sides with her sister which is likely. You're going to look like a home wrecker and have a not so amazing reputation in your town.

 

All that aside I want to ask you.. What have YOU done to fix your relationship? Not what have you done for your fiance. But have you done anything to give your fiance a chance to step up? Talked to her about how unbalanced you feel things are and so on?

 

I agree with others that you need to leave your fiance. But you also need learn how to proactively fix relationship issues.

[smackie9]

Nothing good can come of any of this. Your thoughts/desires are selfish, and not justifiable. I don't care how bad it is between you two, cheating and or getting with her sister are bad life choices.

 

What I see is your need for an escape from an emotionally draining relationship. You know you are only with your fiance out of obligation not love. When people get so beat down, they can easily shift their feelings onto someone else as relief. Get what I am saying? You are in no mental state to know you are truly in love, it's false feelings actually. You mind is being clouded by lust, and a need to feel wanted.

 

My advice to you is to get yourself out of this situation completely. Break off the engagement, and separate yourself from the sister. You need to move on, relocate, and be a supporting father to your child, that's it.

 

There are way too many consequense if you get with the sister. It will destroy your family, her family, and the relationship you have with her and your child. It will be one hot ugly mess.

[No Limit]

OP, it's basically like you're asking us if it will hurt when you point a gun at yourself and then pull the trigger.

Yes, it wn't do you any good. And yes, it will get you messed up pretty quick. And your face might take some damage.

[SawtoothMars]

I'm with everyone else on this. Break it off with your fiance first. Then you are free to chase after her sister... who sounds like a better woman anyway.

[CarrieT]

What others have said: End your relationship immediately with your fiancé. It will only get worse if you don't.

[jack20]

I definitely agree with everyone in regards to ending things with your fiance. You are obviously not in love with her and claim to be miserable in the relationship and therefore, drawn to her sister. Just end it and move on. I don't think you should get with the sister however. That's just a bad situation and will never work out.

[Keke1]

So the baby's aunt would be the stepmother If things were to progress. Don't do this to the child and that family. Back away man this won't end well. Think this through dude.

[ComingInHot]

This whole situation is just so complicated and in depth I will do my best to shorten.

Basically, my fiance (we have a baby together) and I have been together for 4 years. It was a whirlwind, she got pregnant early, we were young and have been through a lot. She suffers from mental health illness which makes life incredibly tough and I feel mostly like a doormat in this whole thing. Belive me or dont, i give my fiance the world and 9 times out of 10 im not rewarded for this at all. Atleast by my fiance. She seems oblivious to all i've done for her over the years and I really cannot stress enough how much i've done for her. I'm not appreciated and dont think I ever will be, that was a choice I made when taking all the crap from her when she was terribly ill and I accepted this was just how things were and I have to devote everything to my fiance. But bit by bit, it has been eating away at me. So her sister is older than us, she also has a child and the father is not around. We all see eachother regularly and have done for the entire relationship as we live close.

I've always had a fancy of her sister since i first met her. That was just initial physical attraction. But bit by bit, this has turned into something else. I feel genuine love for her now. Look, i'm not sitting here calling myself something special, but growing up I really was a bit of a ladies man and I know when a woman is interested etc.

The older sister is more than interested. All the signs are there that she seems to want me. And none of this is expressed in a physical attraction kind of way, so we arent just sitting there wanting to jump on eachother. This seems to be genuinly strong feelings from both sides.

 

So recently we were watching the kids together at mine while my fiance was away for a few days and it was great. We were just laughing and talking and all was so good. But then it went flat. We were sitting on the sofa, talking, watching tv etc and it just went quiet. I could feel it and so could the older sister, we both clearly wanted eachother, to say more to eachother, but neither of us could overstep that and do that to my fiance.

 

I just want advise. What on earth am I supposed to do? I cant stop these feelings for the sister. She wants me also, this isnt denial, I know how she feels. Problem is this just cannot happen. But I'm finding it so hard to keep this all together. I'm with someone i resent for mentally and emotionally abusing me for so long, that I have a family with, that i dont want to lose deep down. But Its just driving me insane, Im thinking about the sister who I feel is better for me, I know it cannot happen though. We both become like little kids on their first date before they kiss for the first time each time we are alone together. Neither willing to step over the line, neither know how to deal with this.

 

This has Catastrophe written on it in SOOoooo many ways OP. Dude, stop. Just, stop now...

[lollipopspot]

You need to choose between your child and your dick.

 

A good man would choose his child. You're a father now - act like it. Regardless of if you stay with the mother, you need to maintain a good relationship with her if you want to co-parent and raise a healthy child.

[Soul59]

No matter how badly your fiance treats you, nothing will ever justify cheating. Nothing will ever justify cheating, leaving her for or having any type of physical/romantic relationship with her sister.

 

I highly doubt the sister in law feels the same way. If she does, there is a slim chance she'll act on it. She is likely just being friendly and loving to you because you are family! I've seen so many men take friendlyness as the woman showing interest.

 

That said even if she does like you and is willing to try it. Here is what will happen, she will be disowned by her family. You will not be welcome as a part of their family. She'll eventually regret it and you two will likely end up divorced.

 

If the sister in law sides with her sister which is likely. You're going to look like a home wrecker and have a not so amazing reputation in your town.

 

All that aside I want to ask you.. What have YOU done to fix your relationship? Not what have you done for your fiance. But have you done anything to give your fiance a chance to step up? Talked to her about how unbalanced you feel things are and so on?

 

I agree with others that you need to leave your fiance. But you also need learn how to proactively fix relationship issues.

 

Only quoted one but this works for a lot of people's responses. In no way have I said I would cheat on my fiance. I'm not asking for someone to tell me that is what i'm supposed to do either as some form of encouragement. Do you not think if i was going to cheat then I would have already made a move and not be on here asking for advise?

 

Im in a situation where if i broke it off with my fiance, she would be crushed. Fall apart and quite possibly become a terrible person/ mother because of it. But I have these feelings for her sister, partly because we are so close as we always see eachother and the other part because of the person she is.

 

You cant help how your heart feels. So to judge either me or the sister before either of us have made any advances towards eachother is just wrong. We are obviously doing the right thing by not cheating but its so clear how we feel.

 

Im asking for advise because i feel damned if i do, damned if i dont. If i stay in the relationship with her sister being around, how do those feelings go away? But if i left the relationship, I break up my family, I change a woman who is not well mentally and cannot predict the outcome of that.

 

Quite disrespectful to criticise me if i'm honest. Im not coming on here bragging about cheating, or that im going to. Im asking for help in a tough situation. I cant shut off my emotions like a light, but feel in order to not take the in my eyes selfish router of breaking up my family, I have to just switch them off, which is what im struggling with doing.

 

Believe me, if you saw what I've had to go through with my fiance, you would understand a little more my side. You dont understand what it is like to have someone that relies whole heartedly on you, life included, that is not giving you a shred of what you want in a relationship.

[Soul59]

You need to choose between your child and your dick.

 

A good man would choose his child. You're a father now - act like it. Regardless of if you stay with the mother, you need to maintain a good relationship with her if you want to co-parent and raise a healthy child.

 

Read my reply to another poster just before this. When did i say I was going to cheat on my fiance? Please explain to me?

 

Don't insult me telling me I have to choose between my child and my dick. I didnt even suggest trying to have sex with the sister. All I've asked for is advice on what to do. Do I break up my family and break my fiance's heart because I have feelings for someone else? Im not even saying I'd break up with my Fiance to be with the sister OBVIOUSLY that wouldn't work. Use your brain. Or do I stay in this relationship, unhappy whilst still having her sister around for who I'm struggling to turn my feelings off for.

[No Limit]

You cant help how your heart feels.

 

 

Yes you can. So many others have thought that having a "good friendship" and "feelings only" (-> emotional affair) wouldn't harm anyone. Well guess what, at best you may hurt your fiancees' sisters feelings, at worst you two randomly meet each other, down some drinks for the "I was drunk sorreh" excuse and then proceed with the cheating act.

 

Decreasing contact will decrease feelings. This is the closest to "switching feelings off" human beings will ever get. Takes some time, but thankfully humans have the glorious ability to forget.

[smackie9]

Even good honest people do find themselves in this perdicament no matter what. Getting in too deep can lead to bad choices. We are not calling you a dirty cheat, we are warning you because you are vulnerable emotionally (a lot of have been there too). This will only get worse, so the best course of action is to seperate yourself from the sister as hard as it sounds it has to be done. As for your fiance, you have two choices, fix it with counselling and work really hard at it, then decide whether to stay or leave or end it. You are just making excuses (her mental state, child, your feelings). Your fiance is a big girl, she has her family to support her, as for the child, a child is happier in a inviroment that is positive, with two happier seperated parents rather than two parent with troubles. Your feelings? you can't just turn them off, but you can walk away from her, and let them desolve if you wanted to.

[Clockwork]

You aren't married to her are you? Good. So if you are that unhappy then end it. I understand totally, I dated a woman who was depressed. She attempted suicide. Maybe this sounds vain, but I could never be with a person with mental issues. Physical? That's different. Mental it will just bring both of you down. So you know what? I got out of it before I said "I do" and said some serious vows to her. I never regretted it. I was more of a caregiver than a boyfriend. Who wants that? Not me, and it is better that you can tell yourself this too.

 

 

Now, about the sister. You know, I have a very attractive sister in-law. But my wife and I are soulmates and no question about it I feel like I got the better sister. So my sister in-law is seen by me as pretty much an aunt to my children. That's how you have to look at it.

 

 

So I understand the difficulty of being with a person with mental illness, it is a very, very underrated thing that barely anyone talks about because the focus is not on the caregiver. But if you leave your fiancée, find a nice girl not related to her. That'll be a mess.

[preraph]

There's literally a billion available women in the world. Why would you even consider for one moment going after the one that would the most hurt to not just one person but to an entire family. The ripples from this will follow you the rest of your life. Any woman in the future finds out what you did, and your name will be mud. It's the lowest of the low. Have more respect for yourself and don't dare tell us or yourself you "can't help it." It's your life. You are the only one who can help it.