Gay (?) in love with my boss?

[DogDaysOver]

Hi, I haven't really discovered a situation similar to mine here, so I thought I'd take to posting my story to seek some feedback/advice. As stated in the title, yes I may be gay. I am also rather young, and ironically inexperience is my forte (lol). Please, no rude or homophobic comments (I can't really stop you, but it's not going to make me any less gay or confused). Thank you for listening and I apologize in advance if I begin to sound gross and lovesick while I prattle on.

 

I'm 20, and approximately four months ago I found a part-time job at a newly opened bookstore, nothing big, very cozy, it isn't located in the CBD or anything so not a lot of customers. I am the only employee. Now I never realized I was gay(?) before this, I had a girlfriend once before but we'd only been intimate a few times and it was quite difficult to get me in the mood and I was a little concerned with myself but brushed it off until she broke up with me so that was that.

 

It wasn't really immediate attraction, but my boss is turning 29 in two months, and doesn't look a day over 20. He is divorced, and has a son he sees every weekend/sometimes a fortnight. He is very, very tender and somehow 'motherly', a lack of a better description. I think it might be because of his son (he's 3 years old). He's really softspoken and cooks, very kind to everyone, lenient etcetc. He's also pretty short, I'm about 6"1 and he's probably 5"7. It's kind of comical when we stand next to each other. Anyway recently I've begun to notice I'm feeling a lot more attracted to him than before. I can't pinpoint when or where it began but he takes care of me and while it does feel good I keep having the urge to return it like I want to seem adept despite the almost staggering age gap. He is very attractive- big eyes, upturned nose, small mouth- yes, feminine. This is why I'm really confused and frustrated with myself. While he does possess womanly traits I don't find myself attracted to women.

 

He pats me on the back sometimes, smiles a lot, but keeps to himself. I don't know why he divorced to this day, too scared to breach personal stuff, don't want to risk making him uncomfortable. We were out driving to go to the bank and he was backing up into the parking space and I helped him put the car in reverse and he touched my hand, it was very, very awkward and kind of embarrassing now that I think of it. I just wish there was a way to find out if he is either gay or interested in me or something akin to that without risking our relationship. I'm also confused about myself.

 

Any ideas?

[preraph]

I certainly wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he's gay. He is probably straight as an arrow. You are attracted to him, but that doesn't make him gay. It only makes you gay. What you described about trying to be intimate with women is fairly common when gay guys are young and still not sure what's going on with them. Probably a bad idea to get a crush on a straight guy at work. Work crushes unless you're in a huge company, even when reciprocated, can and do usually end in disaster. Try to just be professional and not read much into his kindness. Then go explore your sexuality outside of work. I hesitate to tell you to go looking online because you're young and it would be like jumping in with both feet too soon. Probably you should see if there's anyone your own age who might be gay and just make friends so you have someone to talk to. Would be great if they were in your own town, of course. I don't know how big a town you live in but in the big towns, there's actual gay publications which you can find by googling "gay" and the name of the town, and then in those publications which may be online or in paper form, there will be volunteer opportunities for gay people to help other gay people and just fun gay activities. I'd suggest you seek out that sort of activity rather than put yourself out there in online dating yet. Just make friends. If your town is too small for that, at least check your volunteer opportunities for your town online and in the newspaper and see if any are gay related. I bet they are.

 

Good luck. Don't get in a big hurry. Move at your own pace.

[gaius]

Why don't you just ask him out for drinks sometime? You can play it off as a guys thing, not a date and feel him out subtlety when he starts getting a little buzzed.

[DogDaysOver]

gaius: I haven't actually considered this, thanks! I'll try to invite him out but it's going to take a bit before I can freely ask him out. Hope we grow closer before his birthday though.

 

preraph: Thanks a lot for your time to reply. I've signed up for an app called Grindr but it's mostly for 'hook-ups' which frankly is NOT what I'm looking for at this time. My only concern is... I don't know if I /want/ to involve myself with anybody else. I really, really like him. Argh, frustrating.