...spent the night with my EX after 10 months apart... !

[TompaTomi]

Hi everyone!

 

My girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me last December. It was an ugly breakup, We both had way to much to deal with in life, were stressed out, we lost a child, and I had a nervous breakdown around the breakup... Too much happened...

 

We spent the last 10 months in very low contact, whenever I went NC, she did try to get a hold of me withing like 6 to 8 weeks. I was able to go 3 months of NC since July. I had dont a lot of work on myself, got my personal (that led to my mental breakdown) all sorted out, got back to doing sports... done all I could to get my life in order. I also got into writing, so I wrote a small book worth of poems that helped me cope with all I went through, with my panic disorder, losing our child and her. 2 weeks ago, I was at home and came to the point where I stopped seeing myself as a victim, and realized how much BOTH of us could have done... and kind of lost it. I decided to go out and give my poems to her. She wasn't at home, she was aborad for a week to finish her masters degree, but we talked on the phone and I just dropped my book for her to read when she gets back.

 

We ended up talking again in a few days and agreed to meet up Monday night, she said she couldn't believe I wrote all of that for her. Anyways... we ended up meeting, she was all over me, and we talked through what happened with us... talked though basically everything... and ended up spending the night together. It was like time travel, we were all over eachother, had sex all night, and the rest we spend talking about our lives, including how we both realized we don't want to have one-night stands (during the relationship, she was very jealous and she accused me of not having enough partners and that I still need to live more). So we were on the same page on more or less everything considering the intensity of our emotions and the events that lead to the break-up)

 

While we decided to go up to her place, she said that this is not a guarantee, and she dosent want us to get hurt. I told her, that this is not a guarantee from me either, as so much has happened in my life, but I think that the fact that we are at that moment, is an opportunity for us to find out if there is anything for us down the road. From there, she was relieved and all teary and happy to be with me, she said that she feels like she is 21 again. (she was 21 when we fell in live and got back together). We spent most of the day together, she was making out with me and hugging me on the street and said we should think for a week and that we should talk next monday....

 

The same day she bombaarded me on viber saying how much the night before meant to her, and told me to not fixate on what will happen to us, lets be greateful for last night, and that well talk soon. I responded in a really easy manner, saying not to wory and of course, I'm looking forward to talking to her.

 

The next day, she got really freaked out and called me as she was beat to her dreamjob by a friend of hers, and she just talked to me for an hour to calm down. (she hasn't done anything like this since the breakup) And then she told me to call of theres any kind of emergency or if I need her. But lets calm down and talk on Monday, and she also said we could go to a slam poetry show together this months.

 

I see mixed signals here, and I really love this woman, but she hurt me bigtime and left me in a time of need. I want her, but I dont want to get burned again. Worked too much on myself to be made a fool.

 

My question is especially to the ladies. I am afraid to think of this as sure signs of reconciliation, as I have spent too much time overanalyzing every sign she has given me, and I have no idea what to make of this.

 

Thank you for the help!

[ThorntonMelon]

and told me to not fixate on what will happen to us, lets be greateful for last night, and that well talk soon.

 

That's the money quote. I don't see a sure sign of reconciliation. I would keep my guard up bigtime. Including going back to NC if you even get a sense you're getting friendzoned.

[caplion]

You just have to wait and see - doesn't seem like you have enough info yet as to what any of that means - her sleeping with you - her saying just be grateful for last night - her calling to complain about her friend. Anyway, just have to stay calm enough - go at her speed - but I see that you can be facing a lot of pain to let her back in. Hard stuff. (sorry I'm not a lady...but thought I'd share anyway).

[keith.1]

It seems to me that their is a possibility of reconciliation here, it does seem like you are both on the same page.

 

You dont mention of a third party involved, i.e a another girl or guy, so that is a definite plus.

 

It also doesn't appear from what you're saying that she is stringing you along. She actually sounds quite genuine to me.

 

However, for you're own good, please don't go in guns blazing. Although you have both had this amazing night together, and both seem to be wanting the same thing, you also have to remember that you've been out of eachothers lives for 10 months. You have no idea what her motives really are.

Is she feeling lonely and just using you to fill the void?

 

I'm not trying to put a downer on this, but I too am at the 10 month mark of post breakup after an 8 year relationship, and I'd give anything to actually be in you're position right now.

 

However, if I were to be in you're position, I'd have a lot of questions in my head.

 

All I'm saying is, be careful, take things day by day and above all, PROTECT YOU'RE OWN HEART!

 

It seems from what you say you've come a long way since 10 month's ago, and you wouldn't want to undo you're hard work.

 

Good luck to you, and I truly hope you get what you want.

[BC1980]

I get really nervous when I people making vague statements like she does. She said don't fixate on getting back together, and that none of this is a guarantee. It's easy to focus on the good and to ignore the red flags. Yes, it's nice to spend time with her, but you have to look at the big picture. Whenever a second chance is possible, intentions need to be made up front. It's so dangerous to allow a dumper to go in with the mentality of "let's see how it goes." It's very dangerous for you but not for her.

 

Bottom line. She is trying to figure out what she wants on your time. You are playing with fire big time here.

[Omei]

Keep up with the romance poemy pants.

 

Idk I think there is a chance but are you willing to go for it and take the risk of rejection? That's what you have to decide.

[TompaTomi]

Thank you so much for your posts!

 

After spending 10 months apart there are several things that changed in me.

 

Even though I see several positive signs, a week past, and I fixate more on the red flags then the positives. This does not mean that I do not want to pursue an opportunity to get back together - if there actually is one- rather than I have been in so much pain, that I am simply worried for myself. The conclusion that I have arrived to is to go her pace, stand firmly. She opened up a quite a bit, and it is great to have somekind of a door open, I'm just scared of what I find if I go down the road.

 

Nevertheless, I know that my life is not complete without her, so this is going to be the most dangerous gamble of my life. I'm gonna talk to her today, and depending on the conversation and her plans, I'll suggest to meet up for a concert or to see a play at a theatre, so we'll actually do something together instead of just sitting someplace talking about what happened. Just going to try to make a few new memories with her, and I also think it would help take off the edge of the situation a bit.

 

We'll see where it goes. I hope she will meet me halfway down the road, because to be completely frank with all of you, I feel terrified...

[keith.1]

I would think you a fool if you did not think about the red flags, and I don't blame you for being terrified.

 

You are right about standing firm with her. You don't want her to think that she has you by a string and walk all over you whenever she feels like it.

You need to show her that you've become a much stronger person in the last 10 months and you're not prepared to put up with being played.

 

Assuming that you're conversation goes well with her, I think it's a great idea about suggesting a night out at the theatre or something like that.

Go back to basics, and start hanging out and doing fun thing's together again.

Treat it like two new people getting to know eachother and seeing how it all goes.

Essentially, that is what you want. You don't want you're old relationship back, that's in the past now.

You've changed, and hopefully so has she, so it is like two new people.

 

As I said in my previous post though, do be careful and protect you're own heart.

 

Let us know how the conversation goes.

 

Good luck

[TompaTomi]

Hey everyone,

 

We exchanged a few texts around noon on Monday. I suggested two concerts. She was really excited about the concert that was that same night, so we agreed to meet up and go see it.

 

We had about an hour before the concert to walk around and talk, and by the time we went to the concert we were already kissing and hugging. The concert really helped the mood, so afterwards we went for a walk, and talked about how life has been, about a few things that changed the past 10 months, had a lot of laughs as well some hard conversations. It was very intsense. We were talking about dancing and told her I how much I loved dancing with her. So we decided to go dancing. But we never got to Salsa club. We ended spending the night and the entire next day at her place. (she just graduated, and I took time between switching jobs to finish my masters thesis) So we spent the entire night and the day together basically in bed, talking about anything that popped up, and having sex. I had to leave around 6, as I still do therapy to handle my panic disorder. I am cured for the time being, but I continue to go to work on myself and make sure I never fall back to the things that messed me up so bad. She said she wants to talk with me there. So we went together, holding hands and kissing the entire way.

 

Everything seemed pretty good, but she mentioned several times, how hard it was for her to get used to being alone and relying onherself for everything, and how she supressed everything that has to do with emotions and me, and that how she is overwhelmed with the events of the past week.

 

A really big red flag was that she told me that the fact that we chose time spend more and more time together does not mean that it is only a question of time that we'll be together. We would just have to see where this takes us...

 

Nevertheless she wrote to me that same night saying she couldnt resist to write to me to chat, but I was already asleep. Today we talked a bit and flirted, and she suggested I could write my thesis at a bistro near her place, and we could grab lunch together and work together and hang out....

 

I really know that it is difficult to open up, maybe that is behind what she is saying, but if we have all this emotion and chemistry between us, and she is initating meet ups... I wonder how else could we end up, or how I should proceed to protect myself and still make an effort to work towards reconciliation. I mean, having all this sex, emotion and spending more and more time together kind of is like being in a relationship. Or at least it feels like easing in to one.

 

This is danger zone I guess... any suggestions?

[keith.1]

Dude, that's awesome, I'm glad you had such a great time together.

Obviously there are going to be doubts, questions and worries, but from what I can see, you are heading down the road to reconciliation.

 

It's only natural that the both of you are going to have you're guards up a bit, I think that's smart at this early stage, but it sounds like you're handling this very well.

 

Just keep on doing what you're doing, because it seems to be working for the pair of you.

Keep us posted on you're progress.

 

Goodluck:)

[ThorntonMelon]

My advice is still the same as before. She feels guilty that she's leading you on.

 

get used to being alone

supressed everything that has to do with emotions and me

overwhelmed with the events of the past week

does not mean that it is only a question of time that we'll be together

 

You're a friend with benefits. Up to you if that's acceptable. She ain't taking you back.

[TompaTomi]

Hi everyone!

 

Exx I cannot agree with you more. This week was very intense, got a lot of insight into her life... I just don't really know what to make of this, and what I should do next.

 

So after our time together on Monday and Tuesday, We agreed to give ourselves some time to process. The past 10 months, I got really used to not contacting her, so it didn't really take me a lot of effort to resist contact. Honestly, I thought it was even better to stay low contact to make sure everyone can think about the time we spent together and what it meant.

 

She, on the other hand contacted me the next morning (Wednesday), to ask how I was and asked me if I wanted to grab lunch, and we can work together at a bistro near her place. We met up, grabbed lunch, worked a few hours together and talked, had some laughs, and went for a walk around town and talked. We had some tough conversations and some fun. It was very up and down. Nothing special was said however, just went through what happened to each of us the past 10 months. I walked her home early that night and said goodbye, she was hesitant to give me a kiss but did.

 

Once again, I thought it's going to be NC till Monday, but she contacted me each day, saying how much fun she had with me. She suggested I go over on saturday.. to which I agreed, even though I know I shouldn't have, need to build up some strength to stop the booty calls... but men are dogs unfortunately... especially men in love.

 

Friday, she asks if I want to surprise her at her place, as she has to go home to her family on sat. I drove over to her place at night. We had a small argument. I told her, that I'm not sure what make of the duality of her attitude towards me. One moment, she is like we never even broke up, the other she puts on this facade wich is completely alien to me. She said that she has a lot on her plate right now, and she cannot imagine herself in a relationship... and sums it up with adding that she does not want to lose me again and that I am very important to her....

 

She did appologize for her faults in the old relationship, however she did not say, we are definately going to end up as a couple now, and she did not want to put a tag on what we are doing right now.

 

I found out in the morning, that her grandmother is feeling very weak, she might be dying, and that is probably one of the reasons, she does not want to open up to trying anew with me.-or at least I believe so, that having to find her first real job, moving out from home, and all of this together is too much for her to handle.

 

In the morning he had some amazing sex, we took a shower together she burst out crying several times saying how much I've changed for the better, how great I look, and that it's amazing how much I know her, and how much faith I have in her... and she kept hugging me and kisssing me with alot of love in her eyes. I offered to take her to her workplace which is at a studio outside of town, (and she missed her bus). So we drove together a bit, talked, she was completely turned on, and again acted as if we were together, she kept nibbling on my ears, she said she would come help me buy shoes, made plans to do something next week.

 

Not sure what would be right to do here. I would give anything to be with her, but she gives off mixed signals. Extreemely mixed signals, the emotion in her eyes when she openes up, and the pure chemistry between us. And a few hours or even minutes later, she completely shuts me out...

 

I'm not sure what would be right, I don't feel, that going back to NC would be a good idea right now, even though that's exactly what she did when I needed her. Keep meeting up and talking and see where it takes us? Dial down the sex, that's a must, I have to get her to want more.... Should I expect her to come forward and say she wants a commited relationship with me? I mean, we talked all week, and spent almost half the week together... Which is funny because she says she dosent want a relationship, but this is slowly starting to look/feel like one.... as you can see I am very confused.

 

I tried to write everything down what happened, If you can make heads or tales of it, I am very thankful for all of your input. I don't want to hurt myself, or her... And I really want to have a new relationship with her... But I'm not 100% I am on the right track right now. Give it more time? Dial down the sex? Just be there for her? Or let it go completely-this would feel very wrong at this time-? I'm clueless.

 

Thanks for the help!

[TompaTomi]

One more thing that I found confusing:

 

Wednesday night, the day we met up, but didn't end up having sex...

At night, she starts texting me at like 2 AM, that she is feeling very bad (she basically had a panic attack).I called her and we talked for almost two hours untill she calmed down. She said that all these supressed feelings are coming back to her, and that each time we meet, she is afraid something horrible might happen....

 

Guess she has a lotof supressed emotions, and prefers denying her emotions rather than facing them and risk getting hurt. Which is ironic, because with the amount of contact, both physical and verbal we had this week, we are almost like we are in a relationship... I think I need to find a switch in her head, give it time or let it go.....

 

I don't know if this adds any extra info or not, but I had to put it out there!

 

Let me know what y'all think!!

[ThorntonMelon]

she has a lot on her plate right now, and she cannot imagine herself in a relationship

 

did not want to put a tag on what we are doing right now

 

she says she dosent want a relationship

 

each time we meet, she is afraid something horrible might happen

 

I don't think she's giving you mixed signals. You're her emotional tampon. To be disposed of when not necessary. All that gooey stuff is her keeping you on the hook.

 

You're choosing to see her as giving mixed signals. That's your business. I'm not going to criticize you for accepting less than you want. But this is your choice, she is being as transparent as she can in the situation, pushing to see how much she can get out of you without committing.

 

Your choice how to play it, but this isn't a situation where you can win her heart.

[BC1980]

I'll restate myself because this is important. When people are vague or giving mixed signals, you exit the situation. The above advice you received is very good. Most likely, she knows she doesn't want to be with you, but she is having a difficult time accepting it. Trust me, she knows she doesn't truly want to commit to you.

[ponchsox]

Be very cautious with her. Expect nothing. Sounds like she played out a fantasy because she's been thinking about you sexually.

[TompaTomi]

Thank you all for the advice!

 

I try not to expect anything, as a times she is distant, but she texts me every day. I got sick today, and she offered to bring me over soup and whatever I need. I started to distance myself away from thoughts of reconciliation actually happening to avoid getting hurt again. But sometimes it seems as if she was just confused as to how we could let eachother in. She also has this image in her head that she wants to be self reliant.

 

Definately not a good position to win her heart, I'm starting to feel that. I'm not sure I can completely agree with what Thornton said about the emotional stuff. I mean, if someone could fake all that... to get a good shag a coulpe of times a week.... that person would have to be a pshycopath or something. I guess I'm gonna give it some more time, but try to get a balanced situation out of this.

 

I kind of decided to give her and situation another 4-6 weeks to work iself out. But if it turns sour, /getting friendzoned without emotions/ or stays like this, this level of communication, initations of sex and all... without commitment... I'm considering dropping of the map again and returning to NC.

 

Would this be too much time? Extasis I'm really considering your idea is to be the best way to go... I'm just not sure how I be around her for a long time without emotions resurfacing or becoming emotionally more attached.

 

Or you think I should have a more serious talk with her on how she feels things are going? and go NC if I do not like the answer?

 

It's been only two weeks, I have no idea how much time I should give her before asking her to decide if she wants to commit.... no idea how to play this next...

[TompaTomi]

Hey everyone.

 

A few things happened, so I thought I'd update.

 

The past few days I decided not to initiate contact and see what happens. To constantly inistates contact, usually on Viber, and writes to me basically non stop. Our conversations are more and more like they used to be. But definately not friendship-like. She asks me for advice, we flirt constantly. I hold back a bit, and stand firm with her, and she keeps pushing for more. Today, I was in town, running some errands, and she sent me photos of herself taking a sunbath naked. -makes it difficult to stay focused while you're in the bank getting stuff done- :-P. We agreed to watch a movie this week. I found this the most important part of all the conversations we had. As I really want to see how she behaves when we meet in public. If all this intimacy and trust she started to show during our conversation shows while she is with me in public, I think we may be on the right track. If not, then this is probably a fools errand.

 

However while teasing, she also mentioned a few games we used to play, and that at that time she was also hesitant to iniate as the intimacy had to come back... but she cant wait for us to start playing those games again.

 

All in a a nutshell, i'm going to put an emphasis on having a few classical dates, and see if it's moving someplace. She is very brave, and intimate, and opening up more and more when to talk online.... I want her to be the same in person.

[TompaTomi]

Alright, I feel like an idiot replying to myself.. but here it goes

 

Last night we had a great conversation, and this morning she called me to wake me and talk. One thing lead to another and a lot of stuff came up.

 

Turns out, unfortunately that she is definately feeling lonely and confused. And considering what happened to us when we broke up, she can't see us continuing the relationship. This go me real frustrated, as she is trying to take so much out of me.

 

She wants to continue to have sex and hang out and talk. Because she misses all the positives that we bring out from one another. But she dosent want a commited relathionship. She called me an hour later crying and apologizing for the things she said and all that.

 

Im just angry... very angry. Not sad. She said we have all the emotions the chemistry and everything. She is just scared to try... she actually said that.

 

I'm gonna go cold turkey on her as of now. Not sure if I should even pick up when she calls. I deserve more then this. This is pityful. Sure, I love her. Sure I'd like to try again. But what is this woman thinking? She is wasting my precious time on this earth.

[TompaTomi]

Hi everyone!

 

Cold turkey didn't really work. She continously IM'd me and called me that day. And wanted to meet. We spend the second half of this week together. I have no idea as to where this is going, if anywhere. She seems to be opening up. She came over for dinner the other night to my place (which was a huge deal, cuz we used to live together there, and just two weeks ago she said she would never be able to come back here). We had the most amazing, time, she got a call from a gf of hers and I heard she was asking about me, and said, that we'll talk about it soon, I'm at this place right now, so I guess I am a subject in her life at this time.

 

Her parents also now, that we have been seeing eachother, which got me even more confused, cuz even though she is 25, they are very overprotective of her. I even bumped into his dad when I was at her place, who was very happy to see me.

 

Another night I spent some time at her place, where she introduced me to her flatmate, not as her boyfriend, but it was she was pretty obvious that I am the guy she is spending time with....

 

She made plans for us as well, saying where we will have to go and so on, and she also said, she hasn't been this happy for a long time.

 

Still no signs of commitment, but there are less red flags, it seems things are going more easily now, just enjoying that we spend time together. And she writes to me every night before she goes to sleep. Confusing, still have my guard up, telling myself not to get attached again untill it seems safe.

 

She said a lot of things, like, gues we can't fight this attraction and love between us, but than she goes really cold another moment, and a moment later she seems relaxed and starts going on how she hasn't been this happy since we split.

 

This is all very confusing, I think that she is possibly very confused, and she is still not over the breakup, or the circumstances of the breakup. But I definately know that she missed me, and with the chemistry between us, there is nothing friendship like here. I think with us it's lovers or nothing... But I don't see how she is would be willing to go back to nothing. That's just not the way she is acting.

 

I tried to dial down the sex... with little success, once we are in a room together, we can't keep our hands of one another for like 5 minutes. It's been like this with us throughout our relationship.

 

This is what confuses me, if she is like this around me, loves my companionship, and still has emotions for me, what is keeping her from taking the next step? Time perhaps? I decided to go with my original concept, and I'll give this entire thing 8 weeks total, that means 5 more weeks to let it play out. If she we are not in a normal relationship my than, I'm just going to fall fo the face of the earth. In the meanwhile, I'll try to be easy going, and just enjoy the time we are spending together. Alot has happened the last 3 weeks, I'm hoping that she will continue to open up more and more the next 5 weeks, perhaps we have a shot at starting anew.

 

I'll keep you posted, if you have any suggestions I am always grateful, may those be warm or cold ;-)

 

Have a great Sunday everyone!

[TompaTomi]

Hey everyone!

 

I really need some advice here.

 

We have been going out on regular dates. Made plans to do things together. Even with other people, so things are going in a somewhat positive direction. She still gets cold now and than. Like currently now. And there is something I want to clear up with her, and I really could use some advice here.

 

Saturday she asked me to fix her phone, as her internet connection wasn't working. As I was fixing the network connection, I saw she had some activity on Tinder. I started laughing, cuz she said she had some terrible tinder dates while we were apart, but she was hooked on it when she had nothing to do. She said she couldn't actually go through with hooking up with a stranger, but she would still be spending time on it.

 

This weekend she was partying with some uni friends that came back to town. And she has been kind of avoiding contact with me the past few days. Today when I asked if she wants to do something together, she was hesitant to respond, and when I asked when her plans are, she didnt say what she was actually doing tonite. She avoided the answer, or when we could meet later this week. I told her that I do not want to smother her asking all the time when we should meet up, and I'll let her figure out when and I'll see if i have the time.

 

I want to confront her about the tinder business, and that if we are dating again, and having sex, I cannot accept her using tinder, and that I expect her, to do her part in regaining my confidence. And her obviously avoiding what she has been up to is not acceptable. I do not want to control her, but as we are still not officially back together, but supposedly working it out. I would appreciate her making an effort to put my mind at ease.

 

I mean, her dating or god forbid sleeping with other men (that would not be like her) is not acceptable... I think I have the right to set this rule if we are sleeping together, right? I mean, once we have sex, I'm involved as well, It's a risk to my health if she is sleeping around.

 

Maybe I'm paranoid, but I think after 6 weeks of dating again this is something that I would have the right to set straight right? PLEASE HELP ME OUT HERE.

 

When we are together everything is great, I just don't know what to make of the hot and than cold moments/days.

 

HELP GIRLS/GUYS, I'M KINDA LOST HERE!

[blackcat777]

Absolutely no offense meant by this, as it was the hard and bitter lesson I learned with my last relationship... is that all those boundaries you want?

 

Set them before sex. Before, before, before.

 

If you two didn't have an exclusivity conversation, officially got back together, or whatever... you did consent to sex without that. By having sex without being clear about your needs, you communicated that this behavior could be okay. You have to set the price on your intimacy--this is non-negotiable, or you literally sell yourself short.

 

Sex by itself doesn't equal relationship or commitment.

 

I would definitely speak up, as it pertains to your health. If she can't meet your needs, your boundaries for well-being... you have to walk, or at least tell her no sex if she's not willing to meet you there. You owe it to yourself, as tempting as things may be.

 

And this just concerns your physical well-being. Honestly, I think you need to consider the long-term boundaries for your emotional health and happiness, too.

 

It's hard. I'm so glad my ex hasn't contacted me, because I haven't been NC long enough to know in 100% confidence that I wouldn't be tempted to have sex with him. Our chemistry was the same way. I understand the pull.

 

But when that relationship ended for me, for the first time in my life, I understood the pain of having sex with someone you love who isn't giving you what you need in terms of the relationship. He walked, out of nowhere; I should have spent more time screening him. Only you can right that kind of treatment. It sounds harsh and maybe oldschool, but it's your sanity at stake.

 

It was such a huge revelation for me, because when I was younger, I never cared. I thought, sure, if I want it, I should have it. Nobody can tell me what to do! I suppose I hadn't reached a point where I could open up and give myself completely in real intimacy. For me, now, it's no sex before exclusivity, with an ex or anyone. Wherever your personal line is, draw it, especially if strong emotions are there. You are #1.

Edited November 3, 2014 by blackcat777