Ways to Cope

[KarlaB]

I have to have I love how you guys pull be back down in my freak out moments. I am having one now...

 

How do I cope with my STBX having another person in his life? I know she has already met my son. She lives over in the area where he goes every other weekend. She also has a son. He said he was taking our son last weekend to the zoo with someone from work but I know it was her. So while I know he isn't going to be alone forever, how do I handle these feelings?

 

is it wrong of me to want to have an adult civil conversation with him about introducing new people to our son and when it should be appropriate? I know he would NEVER put our son in any harm.

 

I also feel this overwhelming need to know he is talking to me and not mad. It's almost like I hear his voice and calm down. It's crazy.....I feel crazy

[Be_Strong]

You're not crazy. I think that's fairly typical what you are feeling. Your mind is craving the security that previously was provided by your STBX. And I doubt that there is a single soul on this board who went through a separation involving kids that didn't have a difficult time with the idea of another person being around their kids.

 

I wish I had some good advice for you with respect to coping. It will probably just be hard for a while until the unusual becomes the usual. Once your kids have been around another person a few times without the world burning down, you won't have such a difficult time with it.

[Mr. Lucky]

is it wrong of me to want to have an adult civil conversation with him about introducing new people to our son and when it should be appropriate? I know he would NEVER put our son in any harm.

 

If you know the latter, why the need for the former ?

 

And even if you had an "agreement" - like "no GF overnight when your son is there" - how would you monitor his adherence? And what would you do if he didn't abide by it?

 

You have to accept a new normal, part of which is that your son will have a separate life at his house. Won't be better or worse, will be different. From my experience, best to deal with problems as they come up rather than engage in fruitless discussion with someone who has little regard for you POV anyway...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jakrbbt]

I am glad you're out of this relationship if it puts you this on-edge wondering about him, what he is doing, is he feeling nice towards me right now et c. Step one, get away from the relationship, you have done. (Even if he did it first.) Give yourself a huge pat on the back for that.

 

Now yank your brain and heart along with you because they are lagging behind. Remember the Corpse Bride? You are hanging out with the undead! The show is over and you're sitting in the audience! Grieve your beautiful past and go live your beautiful future, one tiny step at a time.

 

You sound shell-shocked, especially the part about needing to know he's friendly and talking to you and not mad at you. Did this guy by any chance used to remain silent when he was angry for some unknown reason and then, rather than simply explain to you how he felt and why, would do some punishing thing such as silent treatment? If so, time to celebrate that you are done with that. Not ask for more. I'm sure there were many good qualities to this guy and your past relationship. But whatever it was that had you pining for some sign that he wasn't mad at you, is not one of them.

 

In some ways it is good that he's with someone-- from a pragmatic standpoint. He is distracted and will not pour his energy into hating you and making you an enemy, making son a pawn, et c. Trust me, you want him to be as distracted and content as possible during the divorce and post-divorce aftermath.

 

I've dated a new boyfriend while sort of still with the old serious boyfriend more than once, in my twenties before growing out of such behavior. I can tell you, it's not like in seventh grade where the shiny new person just makes the old one fade into nothing. I never felt any less for the former while starting to date the next. Likely your husband thinks exactly no less of you than he did before meeting this woman. Likely he is curbing his pain and loneliness. You want him to curb his pain and loneliness, trust me.

 

But also, you have no romantic relationship with him anymore and that means it doesn't matter at all whether he is silently, secretly "mad" at you. If he's mad at you, too bad. Do you worry that your friends on social media are secretly mad at you? The grocery store clerk? Your mortgage broker?

 

Now you get to have a new "relationship" with your husband defined by some boundaries. Where you decide when you do and do not want to deal with him. You set the tone of your dealings. (A tone I'd suggest is forthright, polite without being huffy, specific, and willing to disengage and end the conversation at the earliest point you can.)

 

I suggest really coming to terms with the idea that you cannot control what others do or feel and that other people are entitled to be their flawed selves. All you can control is how you react to it. And really, that is where you can shine. How do you react to your ex being with another person? The beauty is, you don't have to. He's fine with another person. Thrive in your single life-- that is the best, most sure-fire way to cope. Take one part of your single life to thrive in. Is it artistic? Peaceful? Adventurous? Comfortable? Do you life to stay up late and watch movies? Bond with your son? Make new friends? Something. It's important that you choose some aspects of yourSELF, not your ex-h (or the you that was his wife)-- and develop it. Make some crucial decisions that you believe in, each day, even if it's just whether to let someone in in traffic or pay a bill promptly or tell someone off. Note when you do it. You have to develop your sense of belief in who you are and why you do the things you do, so your ex's big fat opinion won't matter in your head just like it does not matter in fact.

[jakrbbt]

Also imo, you don't have enough faith in your ability to have a happy future. Your future will be better than your past in many if not most ways, I am pretty sure. Don't fear that future. You have so much going for you, your are very fortunate. I know it's hard to leave the familiarity of the past. But you will be getting back something even more familiar than your marriage: Your self.

[KarlaB]

Wow thanks guys I knew you will all pull be back to feeling okay again. He is leaving town after work, I am sure to see "her", and won't be back until late Tuesday night, like midnight, I am sure. So I have a few days free of him which will be nice. I was to move tomorrow but that has been pushed a week so 7 days and counting.

 

Thanks again.

[No Limit]

Don't focus on 'them'. Turn your attention to yourself and your son when he's with you, that's all you need.

[EverySunset]

WELL SAID.

 

I know you wrote this for the OP but I read it over twice and it really helped me today. Your perspective is refreshing and healthy, and I wanted to thank you for your efforts putting it together

 

I am glad you're out of this relationship if it puts you this on-edge wondering about him, what he is doing, is he feeling nice towards me right now et c. Step one, get away from the relationship, you have done. (Even if he did it first.) Give yourself a huge pat on the back for that.

 

Now yank your brain and heart along with you because they are lagging behind. Remember the Corpse Bride? You are hanging out with the undead! The show is over and you're sitting in the audience! Grieve your beautiful past and go live your beautiful future, one tiny step at a time.

 

You sound shell-shocked, especially the part about needing to know he's friendly and talking to you and not mad at you. Did this guy by any chance used to remain silent when he was angry for some unknown reason and then, rather than simply explain to you how he felt and why, would do some punishing thing such as silent treatment? If so, time to celebrate that you are done with that. Not ask for more. I'm sure there were many good qualities to this guy and your past relationship. But whatever it was that had you pining for some sign that he wasn't mad at you, is not one of them.

 

In some ways it is good that he's with someone-- from a pragmatic standpoint. He is distracted and will not pour his energy into hating you and making you an enemy, making son a pawn, et c. Trust me, you want him to be as distracted and content as possible during the divorce and post-divorce aftermath.

 

I've dated a new boyfriend while sort of still with the old serious boyfriend more than once, in my twenties before growing out of such behavior. I can tell you, it's not like in seventh grade where the shiny new person just makes the old one fade into nothing. I never felt any less for the former while starting to date the next. Likely your husband thinks exactly no less of you than he did before meeting this woman. Likely he is curbing his pain and loneliness. You want him to curb his pain and loneliness, trust me.

 

But also, you have no romantic relationship with him anymore and that means it doesn't matter at all whether he is silently, secretly "mad" at you. If he's mad at you, too bad. Do you worry that your friends on social media are secretly mad at you? The grocery store clerk? Your mortgage broker?

 

Now you get to have a new "relationship" with your husband defined by some boundaries. Where you decide when you do and do not want to deal with him. You set the tone of your dealings. (A tone I'd suggest is forthright, polite without being huffy, specific, and willing to disengage and end the conversation at the earliest point you can.)

 

I suggest really coming to terms with the idea that you cannot control what others do or feel and that other people are entitled to be their flawed selves. All you can control is how you react to it. And really, that is where you can shine. How do you react to your ex being with another person? The beauty is, you don't have to. He's fine with another person. Thrive in your single life-- that is the best, most sure-fire way to cope. Take one part of your single life to thrive in. Is it artistic? Peaceful? Adventurous? Comfortable? Do you life to stay up late and watch movies? Bond with your son? Make new friends? Something. It's important that you choose some aspects of yourSELF, not your ex-h (or the you that was his wife)-- and develop it. Make some crucial decisions that you believe in, each day, even if it's just whether to let someone in in traffic or pay a bill promptly or tell someone off. Note when you do it. You have to develop your sense of belief in who you are and why you do the things you do, so your ex's big fat opinion won't matter in your head just like it does not matter in fact.