A 7 year history of bad choices?

[cdt76]

7 years. That's how long I've been single. That's 2,555 days and nights. Over the course of those seven years, I was able to maintain two short 8 month relationships. Both ended badly.

 

I have a professional job and career. I have a master's degree and speak two foreign languages and make good money. I'm funny, honest and have a good load of integrity. I lack single friends or close friends in general, partly because I moved back to my home city two years ago. I have severe anger and isolation issues, meaning the anger stems from the isolation. For the past 4 years, I recovered from severe depression and obtained the beautiful thing we call happiness and life was pretty good. Summer came and went and I had thought I met a couple of girls with serious long-term potential and both colapse in on themselves within weeks. From the outside you can say that I'm too needy or wanting a relationship too much yet I don't throw myself at the first one that comes along. I'm very particular about who I am attracted too. Being in good shape and eating healthy, you'd see an attractive 43 year old man who has it all going for him. Yet, in this big world I live in, the singularity of me has reached the end of hope.

 

I know this is long but I have no one else to talk to. I should probably seek counseling but know in my heart I should be able to figure this out on my own because it's something within me that needs fixing and no amount of writing down emotions for some quack is going to help me discover my flaw. Why do I need to be loved by somone else in order to feel alive? Have I ever felt the true love of another person? I don't know but think I have not because I truly believe no one has given me the intense feelings of their love that I have given them. I drink now....a lot. I still box to take out my anger and leave myself too exhausted to plan an end. I still go to work on time and put effort into that and I still take care of my body. After 7 years of searching and having hope that well is empty, stripped of passion and intensity and without the hope that I've carried inside all my life I am left with just me. Just me isn't good enough anymore.

Edited October 2, 2014 by cdt76

[pinkie]

Geez, I thought maybe you had broken a mirror or something!! Sounds to me like you're not looking into that mirror deep enough. If you're drinking 'a lot' that is not taking good care of your body. Therapy CAN help. If you don't try it you'll never know. Sometimes things will click just getting them out in the open to someone else. You say you don't have any close friends, so you might wanna give it a shot. What could it hurt at this point? Once we're older, we tend to get set in our ways... perhaps you just need a bit more flexibility in your life. You seem very angry... might wanna try to get to the root of that. You moved back to your hometown... if you aren't happy there, move again. But... until you resolve some of these issues internally... your problems will follow you. Doesn't sound like you really NEED a relationship right now either. Best to get yourself taken care of first.

[cdt76]

I am angry. I've been angry for a long time. I am able to bury it for long stretches of time but it always rears it's ugly head when some stupid woman hurts me. I am happy being home. I have a wonderful house and have surrounded myself with the things I enjoy in life. I don't want to look deeper into the mirror. See it took me a long, long time to overcome the hurt and some pretty emotionally devastating events that have happened in the last decade. I guess, I just decided that I wasn't going to think about these awful things anymore and now only when sh$t goes south do these feelings come back. Maybe I do need a therapist but the simple fact is, he/she can't make friends for me or fall in love for me. Those are the roots of my issues.