Don't think I can do this anymore

[cleo27]

First of all I want to start by apologising that I didn't reply to any posters in my first thread.... I guess I just didn't like the answers I was hearing.

 

It's now been almost 11 months and I feel I am almost at breaking point.

 

Why when he lets me down time and time again do I keep giving him the chances to do it? If it were a " normal " relationship would I let another man treat me the way he does? Probably not.

 

The last few weeks have probably been the lowest in our A. He started a new job and seems to have no time for me whatsoever. When I question this it's always " just give it another week for me to settle in, it won't be like this anymore " blah blah blah. Wouldn't surprise me if he has another OW so maybe that's the reason. I just don't know anymore.

 

I can't keep going on this roller coaster but on the other hand I don't feel ready to let him go. I come on here to read your inspirational stories of going NC to give me the push I need and know there is life beyond my MM but there is always something holding me back

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Gosh, I understand having people give advice, but seem to be expressing their own opinions more than they should. I see it a lot here and it makes the advice so discouraging more than encouraging. Also they make my uncaring nature seem so much better in comparison. Geesh!

 

Well, I guess it is a matter of taking a deep breath and release deeply a few times, before you can feel any calm come over from your mix of emotions.

 

Instead of taking one side or the other on what to do, take time out and make a plan for a week away from your A, just to allow your mind to be free for a bit. So you can realize how much you really have, over just feeling there is nothing else.

 

Sometimes the feelings of security in emotional stability is lost when every emotion is tied to the other. If anything, time away to work on your stability with your emotions and allow you to feel secure again.

 

Once you regain enough to see what is needed to make your A work for you. You will need to make terms with your A to meet your needs. If he cannot meet your needs, then it is time to break free. You must make a firm stand, as it seems your weakness in giving in is keeping him safe at home with wife.

[Donesharing]

First of all I want to start by apologising that I didn't reply to any posters in my first thread.... I guess I just didn't like the answers I was hearing.

 

It's now been almost 11 months and I feel I am almost at breaking point.

 

Why when he lets me down time and time again do I keep giving him the chances to do it? If it were a " normal " relationship would I let another man treat me the way he does? Probably not.

 

The last few weeks have probably been the lowest in our A. He started a new job and seems to have no time for me whatsoever. When I question this it's always " just give it another week for me to settle in, it won't be like this anymore " blah blah blah. Wouldn't surprise me if he has another OW so maybe that's the reason. I just don't know anymore.

 

I can't keep going on this roller coaster but on the other hand I don't feel ready to let him go. I come on here to read your inspirational stories of going NC to give me the push I need and know there is life beyond my MM but there is always something holding me back

 

I almost stopped coming here the other day. One person said something mean and condescending to me. The people here have been an awesome support. We wouldn't come here and post if we thought we were going to be judged and called names. I would think this was our safe place. I wound up putting the one person on ignore. I think 90% of the people that post replies are honest, and they don't sugar coat, but they understand that we are struggling and need the support. Keep posting. I really think it has helped me stay NC for the 9 days I have so far. I really think I might have reached out to him by now if it wasn't for this board. xo xo xo

[Lovelysweet2]

Being let down does not feel good and should not be something you put up with. Are you comfortable with coming up with a set of expectations you request of him that under no certain terms or circumstances you will lower? If you key him onto the expectations (not demand, but let him know they are very important to you) and he continues to not meet them, then it means he is not invested and you deserve better.

[cocorico]

Why when he lets me down time and time again do I keep giving him the chances to do it? If it were a " normal " relationship would I let another man treat me the way he does? Probably not.

 

When what (little) you get from the A is outweighed by the emotional and other costs it is demanding of you, you will be ready to give it up. That he is "letting you down" suggests you still have hope - and while you are still getting hope, it will be tough to let go.

[cleo27]

Gosh, I understand having people give advice, but seem to be expressing their own opinions more than they should. I see it a lot here and it makes the advice so discouraging more than encouraging. Also they make my uncaring nature seem so much better in comparison. Geesh!

 

Well, I guess it is a matter of taking a deep breath and release deeply a few times, before you can feel any calm come over from your mix of emotions.

 

Instead of taking one side or the other on what to do, take time out and make a plan for a week away from your A, just to allow your mind to be free for a bit. So you can realize how much you really have, over just feeling there is nothing else.

 

Sometimes the feelings of security in emotional stability is lost when every emotion is tied to the other. If anything, time away to work on your stability with your emotions and allow you to feel secure again.

 

Once you regain enough to see what is needed to make your A work for you. You will need to make terms with your A to meet your needs. If he cannot meet your needs, then it is time to break free. You must make a firm stand, as it seems your weakness in giving in is keeping him safe at home with wife.

 

 

Thank you sdraw I think time away from him is certainly what I need even if it's something I do not want. I need to focus on myself and my family and maybe everything will fall into place

[cleo27]

I almost stopped coming here the other day. One person said something mean and condescending to me. The people here have been an awesome support. We wouldn't come here and post if we thought we were going to be judged and called names. I would think this was our safe place. I wound up putting the one person on ignore. I think 90% of the people that post replies are honest, and they don't sugar coat, but they understand that we are struggling and need the support. Keep posting. I really think it has helped me stay NC for the 9 days I have so far. I really think I might have reached out to him by now if it wasn't for this board. xo xo xo

 

Done sharing I'm sorry to hear that. It wasn't so much mean things that was being said just telling me to walk awY which I clearly wasn't ready to hear.

 

I have to admit I don't know your story but I will certainly have a look. Could I ask how you decided to go NC?

[cleo27]

Being let down does not feel good and should not be something you put up with. Are you comfortable with coming up with a set of expectations you request of him that under no certain terms or circumstances you will lower? If you key him onto the expectations (not demand, but let him know they are very important to you) and he continues to not meet them, then it means he is not invested and you deserve better.

 

 

It doesn't and MM thinks that by saying sorry all is ok. This is partly my fault for letting him believe that. I'm going to take sdraws advice and take some time away to really think about what I want and go from there. At the moment I have no idea what I want

[herself]

When what (little) you get from the A is outweighed by the emotional and other costs it is demanding of you, you will be ready to give it up. That he is "letting you down" suggests you still have hope - and while you are still getting hope, it will be tough to let go.

 

I can no longer speak about my own situation as the posts have hurt me alot but I can help others.

Speaking of the roller coaster your on its truly because its worn down your self esteem but when he comes back around and is heavily paying attention and being so loving its a high and you begin living for getting that feeling back.

Its that you feel accepted and wanted again and like he finally sees your value each time he ugs back in.

It hurts when they go...you start wanting to please, wanting to be wanted and needed again.

Keeps you coming back.

Im learning to let go it is tiring and painful but so far its worth it.

Big hug and lots of support sent your way.

Think about starting NC...you cant fix him and its damaging you.

[cleo27]

When what (little) you get from the A is outweighed by the emotional and other costs it is demanding of you, you will be ready to give it up. That he is "letting you down" suggests you still have hope - and while you are still getting hope, it will be tough to let go.

 

Coco you are so right! I do have hope.. Hope that he'll change... Hope that he'll leave his BS. But all it is is hope. It's never going to be reality

[cleo27]

I can no longer speak about my own situation as the posts have hurt me alot but I can help others.

Speaking of the roller coaster your on its truly because its worn down your self esteem but when he comes back around and is heavily paying attention and being so loving its a high and you begin living for getting that feeling back.

Its that you feel accepted and wanted again and like he finally sees your value each time he ugs back in.

It hurts when they go...you start wanting to please, wanting to be wanted and needed again.

Keeps you coming back.

Im learning to let go it is tiring and painful but so far its worth it.

Big hug and lots of support sent your way.

Think about starting NC...you cant fix him and its damaging you.

 

Thank you herself I think it's something we are heading towards. I cannot deal with the highs and lows anymore. That's exactly how he makes me feel - as sad as it is to admit. I need to start seeing it for what it truly is. I don't think it ever was love on his part he just tells me what I want to hear

[Donesharing]

Done sharing I'm sorry to hear that. It wasn't so much mean things that was being said just telling me to walk awY which I clearly wasn't ready to hear.

 

I have to admit I don't know your story but I will certainly have a look. Could I ask how you decided to go NC?

 

I found out that he was lying about only living with his BW for the kids and that he would be moving out when the kids all went to college. I actually went to her through FB. Right before I did that I told him I was done, because I think he was lying to me about his plan leave her. Once I contacted her, he threw me under the bus and told me he always loved his wife and was never going to leave. The last text he sent me was telling me to never contact his BW again and that he was going to work on his marriage. That was it. I never replied to him again. I haven't contacted him or his BW. He hasn't contacted me either. It's been 9 days.

[jellybean89]

As you said, if this was a "normal" relationship, would you tolerate this treatment? If the answer is no, ask yourself why you tolerate it from him.

 

He's not going to change. He has you accustomed to HIS demands/limitations, etc., he's not going to wake up and start giving you more. Want more for yourself than the bits he gives you.

[whichwayisup]

First of all I want to start by apologising that I didn't reply to any posters in my first thread.... I guess I just didn't like the answers I was hearing.

 

It's now been almost 11 months and I feel I am almost at breaking point.

 

Why when he lets me down time and time again do I keep giving him the chances to do it? If it were a " normal " relationship would I let another man treat me the way he does? Probably not.

 

The last few weeks have probably been the lowest in our A. He started a new job and seems to have no time for me whatsoever. When I question this it's always " just give it another week for me to settle in, it won't be like this anymore " blah blah blah. Wouldn't surprise me if he has another OW so maybe that's the reason. I just don't know anymore.

 

I can't keep going on this roller coaster but on the other hand I don't feel ready to let him go. I come on here to read your inspirational stories of going NC to give me the push I need and know there is life beyond my MM but there is always something holding me back

 

Figure out what is holding you back. Is it fear of not having him in your life anymore? Fear of pain? Fear of being on your own? Fear of finding someone else and being able to fully commit to that person and have a normal relationship?

 

He may or may not be seeing another OW, regardless, he's married and has no intention of leaving and divorcing his wife. His life is busy and he's put you way low on his priority list.

 

Since you can't just walk away all together quite yet, start detaching. do it in stages. Rely on him less, make plans to be busy with friends and KEEP your plans even if he calls and makes time for you. Make him less of a priority in your life. Focus more on you and other things/people/hobbies rather than him. He's busy living his life, you need to do the same.

 

I wish you strength and inspiration so you can finally end your affair. You're wasting your precious heart, love and energy on someone who isn't yours, isn't committed to you.

[whichwayisup]

Coco you are so right! I do have hope.. Hope that he'll change... Hope that he'll leave his BS. But all it is is hope. It's never going to be reality

 

Give up that hope. He has you as the OW and is enjoying the affair. To you it's more than just an affair, he's everything to you. To him, it's just an affair and not going anywhere. You know deep down he isn't leaving his wife to be with you, so you need accept that and either enjoy your role as the OW in his life, realize it's just an affair and keep it light and simple, or END it. I hope you can end as you deserve better than what you've been getting.

 

Respect yourself, then you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel. You need a man who will be there for you, a man who you can show off and be around whenever you want, a man who you can bring home at Christmas, go out on dates and be involved and part of each others lives. With MM, it's hidden, sneaking around and on his time frame.

 

Start focusing on the bad and negatives parts of your affair and about him. Once you knock him down a few pegs, he won't look like the King anymore. He's just a slimy married guy who is enjoying having his cake and eating it too.

 

Get mad, get fed up and realize you deserve better!

[gettingstronger]

I guess the biggest questions are:

 

what is the status of your life-single, married, divorced, kids?

 

what are you looking for in this relationship- escape, long term, out in the open?

 

You are obviously unhappy with the status of the A, that alone is reason enough to end it-

[Lovelysweet2]

Get mad, get fed up and realize you deserve better!

 

Great quote!

[cleo27]

Thank you all for your comments. We have decided to go NC.. He can't give me what I want and I can't take the up and downs anymore.

 

At this moment I don't know how I feel.. Hurt, upset and on some level relieved

[Lovelysweet2]

Cleo I am sorry you are going through this. I am in the same situation, but have taken the outlook, it is not that he cannot do it for me, but that he is unwilling. I do not mean enough to this man for him to make exceptions, put a foot forward. I believe the hardest part is not that he does not care for me, but my own self loathing of my part in doing this to myself. I mentally picture the man whistling along his day, with no concern of the aftermath. I am working on my anger that I am investing on him, why am I expending this energy. These men are taking out loans that they do not have to pay back on, laughing all the way to the bank.

[cleo27]

Cleo I am sorry you are going through this. I am in the same situation, but have taken the outlook, it is not that he cannot do it for me, but that he is unwilling. I do not mean enough to this man for him to make exceptions, put a foot forward. I believe the hardest part is not that he does not care for me, but my own self loathing of my part in doing this to myself. I mentally picture the man whistling along his day, with no concern of the aftermath. I am working on my anger that I am investing on him, why am I expending this energy. These men are taking out loans that they do not have to pay back on, laughing all the way to the bank.

 

Your right lovely. If he wanted to do this things for me he would have found a way. I hate myself right now for letting myself get to this point. I should have just told him where to go when he told me he was married, but 11 months on my heart is now breaking.

 

We can be strong lovely and get through this. I just wish I knew how

[DKT3]

Your right lovely. If he wanted to do this things for me he would have found a way. I hate myself right now for letting myself get to this point. I should have just told him where to go when he told me he was married, but 11 months on my heart is now breaking.

 

We can be strong lovely and get through this. I just wish I knew how

Cliche but one day at a time. Get busy, start working out, find a good therapist. Whatever you do, don't invent reasons to communicate, don't stalk him on social media.

 

 

Both you and lovelysweet deserve better then some lair stealing your time and keeping you from finding the right guy. Now convince yourselves of that. Even if you have to fake it until you really believe it.

[the_artist_1970]

I should have just told him where to go when he told me he was married, but 11 months on my heart is now breaking.

 

This is golden. Any time a man tells you that he is married but..... Run like the wind. Don't allow yourself to become emotionally involved with an unavailable man.

 

I have read on this board that people can't help who they love but that is not true. In order to love someone you have to invest time in them. Even if you feel that "spark" when you first me them, loving someone takes investing time and emotion in the person. If you develop very strong boundaries with men who have already committed themselves to another woman, you won't fall in love with them because you won't be crossing a boundary that should have never been crossed. Strengthen your boundaries no matter how much you crave the attention. I wish you peace.

[jellybean89]

Cleo I am sorry you are going through this. I am in the same situation, but have taken the outlook, it is not that he cannot do it for me, but that he is unwilling. I do not mean enough to this man for him to make exceptions, put a foot forward. I believe the hardest part is not that he does not care for me, but my own self loathing of my part in doing this to myself. I mentally picture the man whistling along his day, with no concern of the aftermath. I am working on my anger that I am investing on him, why am I expending this energy. These men are taking out loans that they do not have to pay back on, laughing all the way to the bank.

 

totally agree with the above ^^^

 

OP, look out for yourself as the MM is looking out for himself and his family. Take care of you.

[Donesharing]

Your right lovely. If he wanted to do this things for me he would have found a way. I hate myself right now for letting myself get to this point. I should have just told him where to go when he told me he was married, but 11 months on my heart is now breaking.

 

We can be strong lovely and get through this. I just wish I knew how

 

Me too. I understand how you feel. It was real, your feelings were genuine. It is hard to wrap your mind around how a man could say the things he said, but not be genuine. Really tough to understand...

[the_artist_1970]

Me too. I understand how you feel. It was real, your feelings were genuine. It is hard to wrap your mind around how a man could say the things he said, but not be genuine. Really tough to understand...

 

I think if you look at this realistically and say that this MM must have said something to his wife to get her to marry him and contrary to what he is saying to you, he has to be saying and/or doing something to get her to stay in the marriage. You are only hearing his one side of the story about his marriage and you never took the time to find out if he was truly lying by asking his wife if he is telling her that he wants to leave the marriage. Most of the time when we partake in deceitful relationships that hurt others we end up getting hurt as well.

 

If you can wrap your head around a MM who is cheating on his wife, it should be easy to wrap your head around the fact that he lies to women. If he will lie to the woman he promised to love and cherish forever, what makes you any different.

 

The next time you make friends with a MM and he starts complaining about his M or his wife tell him that you don't want to be a part of hearing a MM saying bad things about his personal life unless he is already separated and working through a divorce.